How Can You Love Parents Who Hurt You?

Hi, this is Dov Odolany, with our question and answer series, where in a short period of time we try to answer your questions. The rub always talks about how his parents were somewhat rough on him, calling him a Yutz, look, etc. But at the same time you speak very highly of them. How do you balance this? Life is complicated. And people are complicated. Sometimes you have a best friend and you end up fighting with them. And you're not talking to them. And you tell everybody all the worst things about them. And you say this person is terrible and they're the worst person in the world, etc. And then at some point you make up. And you're best friends again. And then you're like uh Well, he's my best friend. Says, why? Said, what do you mean? He's so wonderful, he's so this, he's so that, etc. But I thought you said he was this and this and this and this. He goes, nah. Now, what's the truth? The truth is both are true. People are complicated. If you want to focus on the bad of people, you can. If you want to focus on the good of people, you can. It's up to you. So, you can look at a person and see all their wonderful qualities and all their terrific traits. Or you can look at all the things that they did wrong. And if you want to define somebody by all the things they did wrong, then that's who the person is. And if you want to define them by all the things that they did right, then that's who they are. Um Rabbi Chaim Kreiswirth was the rub in uh Antwerp. And there used to be a big diamond business there I assume there still is. But uh this one fellow got picked up, they arrested him for doing something that everybody did. Like when they took uh they arrest somebody from Trump's institution for deducting some kind of expenses as a business expense and it's like everybody in business does that. It's it's ridiculous. But they if you want to go after somebody you could. So they decided to make an example of this guy. So Chaim asked to meet with the judge. And the judge says, "Do you have anything to say that has bearing on this case?" And he says, "Yes." He says, "You're familiar with the law about diamond trading?" He says, "No, I don't know anything about that." But there's a Mishnah in Pirkei Avot that says, "Have a dan es kol adam lekaf zechut." It should have just said, "Have a dan adam lekaf zechut." Judge a person favorably. What does that mean, kol adam? All people. He says, "Cuz the only way you can judge somebody is kol adam." You have to judge the person in the context of who they are and not one action. You could pull out any one action and use that to define somebody and it's not fair. That's not who they are. That's what today they call cancel culture. You once said something, you sent a text, you did something and that's it, your life is over. Unless you're on the left, then everything's forgiven. But if you're on the right, forget about it. It's the end of your life. Yeah? So I want to tell you a little bit about this person so when you judge him, you won't just judge him based on this one action, but you'll judge us kol adam. The entire person. And he told them all about the things he does in the community, and the charity he gives, and all these other things, which aren't taken into account when you're trying to judge somebody. So the things that I've pointed out that my parents uh did wrong are all true. They're all true. I don't say these things to Hashem besmirch my parents. Because I have only tremendous gratitude to my parents and everything that they've done for me. I would not be alive if it wasn't for my parents. Quite literally. I remember when I was getting married, somebody said to me, "How many children you're going to have?" And I said, "Well, as much as the good Lord gives me." He says, "You can't do that. You have to plan it." I said, "What's the right number?" "Four." And they brought a bunch of reasons why four is the right amount. I said, "Well, I have a little problem with that cuz I'm number five in my family. And my brother Bruce, who's number six, feels even stronger about it than I do." My father grew up in uh in a firm home. My grandfather was an arts. He didn't really know anything. My father got no Jewish education. And the family was starving during the depression. And he dropped out of school to go and support them. And the only way he could do that was by working on Shabbos. At least that's how he felt at the time. And uh and he helped to support his family. And he met my mother. And they got married with one purpose, to make a Jewish home and bring up Jewish children who would respect Judaism. From the time I was little, my father used to say to me, "If you marry a shiksa, you're out of the will." I said, "Okay, Dad." I didn't know what a will was. I didn't know what a shiksa was. I didn't know anything he was saying. But he wanted me to know that. That was very important to him, and he wanted to make sure we appreciated that. And uh and when the opportunity came to send his kids to Yeshiva, and he didn't have the money, he sacrificed. I asked my mother, "How did you afford this? It was right after when Dad went bankrupt." She said, "So I didn't buy a new dress. So we didn't go on vacation. Your father didn't buy a new car. We gave the money to the Yeshiva instead to get our kids a Jewish education. My father said to me once at the end of his life, he says, "One of my greatest accomplishments is I helped all of my children get a house. I gave them money towards getting a house. I I wanted to see my my children have a house." Yeah. And I, like many of my brothers, are basically ingrates. >> [laughter] >> Cuz if I was my father and I had six kids and they said about me the stuff that me and my brother say about them, I would have said, "What am I crazy? I'm going to have these kids work day and night to support them and take care of them and then they all they do is turn around and and complain about me? What do I need this for? That's why many people today have opted out of having children cuz what do I need it for?" People say, "Well, you want someone to love you." Buy a puppy. I'll be very happy to see you. And it's much less maintenance. You know? But you have children because that's the mission we got from the Kadosh Baruchu. And my parents paid my tuition, gave me food, gave me uh clothing. Okay, so could he be incredibly annoying at times? Sure. There are those who might suggest so could I. I know that's hard to believe. But uh you know, but so what? If he did nothing other than bring me into this world, I owe him a debt of gratitude that I can't Somebody saves your life, someone gives you the gift of life, that's it. And all these people are turning around and saying, "I'm so angry at my mother because she went and did that and that and that and that and that, you know?" So, no. Yeah. am I traumatized a little bit from my parents? >> [laughter] >> Uh uh parenting techniques, sure. But, one of the worthless things that I do is I I daydream. I picture what happens if I go to sleep one night and I wake up with all my memories and I'm 5 years old. Or 10 years old, 15. You know, and start living my life again. But, in almost every scenario, I would have been nicer to my parents. >> [laughter] >> Cuz what if what was in it for them? To to to to raise us and support us and to give to us and this and what they get in return? You know? Criticism, aggravation. You know? So, uh so I'm tremendous hakaras hatov to my parents. Do they do things that, you know, that hurt me physically, mentally? >> [laughter] >> Yep. They sure did. But, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Da na na na na na na na na, got it, right? So, I'm I'm the person I am today because of all of the things that I went through. If I didn't go through those things, you know, who knows? I might be a big baby. I'm complaining about everything. I am a big baby and I do complain about everything, but I'd be a bigger baby. >> [laughter] >> You know? I I always say because my parents gave me this message all the time of like, you know, you know, lo yitzlach, which is one of the things you mentioned, that that's the thing that stops me the most from becoming a bal gaiva. You know? Because people tell me a lot, you know, we read the appreciation, you know, comments at the end that I I get many many emails and meet people and they say, "What you did change my life, you saved my kids' life, you did the next thing. If I was able to process that, I would I would I wouldn't be able to lift my head off the pillow. It would be so heavy. I'd be so you humongous, how unbelievable I am. But they tell it to me and I get this momentary thrill and then I hear my parents saying, "Eh, you're nothing." >> [laughter] >> It's mama shamatonah. I I It's a tremendous gift cuz I know people in the field who didn't get that kind of upbringing. >> [laughter] >> And they're insufferable. I won't mention any names, but I know certain people who are in the famous speaker club who are just the most unbelievable balagiva. And I find balagiva so incredibly entertaining cuz you have so much fun at their expense, you know? But me, ah, doesn't bother me. So, yeah, life is complicated and you can hold two thoughts in your head at the same time. And you can say, you know, my parents were good people. They were good Jews. My father became shomer shabbos at the end of his life. My mother did too. You know, they raised children. They have over a hundred great-grandchildren who are all being raised in Torah and mitzvahs. You know what a s'chus that is? Cuz you can look in their family tree in all directions and there's like nobody left either they didn't have kids or they intermarried or they disappeared. And and and my parents, through uh tremendous sacrifice, raised a Jewish family Jewish with with proper values. So, I have nothing but hakaras hatov and it hurts me every year when I clap al cheit al zilzul horim umorim that we embarrassed our parents. So, were my parents perfect? No. No. But compared to his dad, he was the same. >> [laughter] >> And that's what I tell my kids when they complain about me. I said, "You don't know my dad." >> [laughter] >> But my dad worked day and night to provide for his kids and to make sure that they were taken care of. And so for that, I have nothing but the greatest hakaras hatov. And that's how we have to look at it. You when when uh when we hate somebody, it's cuz we focus on the negative. And when we love somebody, it's cuz we focus on the positive. And some of my brothers sometimes would they would say, you know, "Oh, David's out to lunch. He doesn't remember dad." I remember him perfectly well. >> [laughter] >> I remember all the things that went wrong. But I also remember all the good that he did and my my mother did and all the good things. And that's what I choose to focus on and that's how I choose to remember them. This has been the question and answer series.