Yom Kippur: Stop Judging Yourself by Your Worst Moment - Rabbi YY Jacobson

is of course the time of the year when we focus on chuva. Chuva is usually translated as repentance or return. And often when we spoke about chuva, the focus is on details. A person apologizes for a misdeed, for a inappropriate behavior, for a text, for a comment, for a fight, for a dispute. A person apologizes to themselves, to their soul, to Hashem, to another person. And very often the focus is on the details. I want to apologize for this. I want to fix this. I want to repair this. I want to tick for this. I want to change this. And it's very very important to be detailed oriented because as you know in life when things are left up in the air and they're not uh brought down into a granular level like taclas. So sometimes it just remains elusive. However, there's also the other side to it and that is when somebody focuses on the details on every tree, they may also lose sight of the forest. So yes, in order to eat a vegetable or needed to eat a fruit, I need to focus on the tree, not on the forest. The forest won't give me fruits. A tree will give me a fruit. But if I stay only focused on the one individual tree, it's important because I have something, you know, tangible that I can hold on to. I can't hold on to a forest, but I could hug a tree. People do that. You can't hug a forest. But on the other hand, if you divorce the forest from the trees or the trees from the forest, you're even missing the real point of the tree because to truly appreciate the tree, it's in the context of an entire forest, an entire ecosystem may really expand. So the same is true with chuva. There is the chuv on an individual thing. There was something I failed to do or live up to and I feel bad and I want to I want to repair it. I want to fix it. I have remorse for the past, resolution for the future. This can be in relationships again between you and Hashem, between you and another person and all the different aspects of a person's life. And yet often I can only focused on the one tree and miss and lose the larger perspective, the larger forest. Because the reason the larger perspective is important is not just it's interesting, you know, to see the whole forest, but really it allows the details to be elevated onto a different plateau. When the forests and the trees are divorced, I don't even have the full story of the tree. So even every individual chuva is always part and an extension of a much larger deeper experience of chuva. That's a little bit harder to discuss and to identify because I could say okay xyz tell me what to do. I'll make a to-do list. Step one, step two, step three, make this telephone, send this WhatsApp, say this, do this. That's very very tangible. I have the tree. When you go to a deeper level of chuva, it's a little less tangible, but sometimes much more fruitful because it would be literally like a person who has symptoms, outer symptoms. I have back pain, which Jew doesn't have back pain, stomach pain, lower back pain, neck. Anybody here has back pain? Nobody. Okay, I'm the only one. Fine. Back pain, neck pain, lower pain, up. So sometimes our entire life we pursue healing the symptoms. Make this feel better. Make this feel better. Make this feel better. And it's important if there's something you can do to take and make it feel better galdic. But very often we know that the outer symptoms are symptoms of an inner experience of an inner dynamic that's much less conscious. It's much less visible. It's much less tangible. I can't just take an aspirin or a tablet and get rid of it. Sometimes I have to go much deeper into myself. And those are places that are uncomfortable. I mean Dr. Sarna who developed his whole method about back pain. What happened really was a Jewish doctor. He passed away a few years ago and he said that for half his life I mean I think almost for 40 years or so he was doing s was a professional western doctor who was an expert in back pain and he did surgery after surgery after surgery after surgery treating not tens of people and not even hundreds of people but thousands over decades and I think he writes that in 50% of the cases everything came back and he was astonished he was perplexed because from his education something was off and that really forced him. It forced him. It catapulted him. The science that forced him to say that maybe there's a deeper story to back pain. Maybe there's a deeper story to neck pain. Maybe there's a deeper story to sciatica. In other words, the body is trying to protect me from feeling a deeper pain that it feels I'm not ready to confront. And therefore, it says, you know what? We'll keep her busy 24/7 with the back. My back, my back, my schmack, my neck, my disc. Oh, you go. can and that way in the body's brilliance it it's what's called it keeps me distracted from what it wants me to be distracted because it doesn't feel I'm ready for it and really you have to send your body a memo and say I'm a big girl [laughter] I'm a big boy bring it on okay I'm ready to deal with it it's easier said than done because sometimes it's very deep inside so this is a fascinating just a fascinating example where I look at the symptoms it's True. And I could focus on it my entire life, but really I'm going in circles. If it won't spring up here, it's going to come up in another way and another way and another way because fundamentally I want to be able to confront the underlying experience. And that's what we want to discuss today about chuva. The underlying the underlying beyond any infection and I did this wrong and yes I did and I should focus on the details. I'm not eliminating the and at all of course the need to be detailed because in life that's how life works. That's what success is right. They say the devil is in the details. Laavd truva is also in the details not just the devil right things exist in the details but the details are always expressions. They are arteries. They are channels. They're veins vessels for a larger stream for a larger experience. And I always want to be able to connect the two. That's why in Yiddish every morning before Davening we have this whole theme of how Tyra is taught this or prattl is a piece of that we say right before the beginning of Davining the introduction to Davining and he speaks about the 13 methods of interpreting and one of them is pratt pratt cl because the whole system is there's a cloud is a collective and the cl is then manifested it's fleshed out into prat which are details and then you have to go back to the cloud bring the details back to the cloud. So there's the big picture and then there is bringing it out in the details and then there's bringing the details back and the same is true with life. Everything begins as cl oneness. It goes into pratt which is the individual form of every life. But don't get stuck in the prat. Bring the pratt back to the cl which is deeper than the original cl because the original cl was a cl that was beyond details and the second cl comes through and after the details everybody is with me or I'm okay. [laughter] So everything comes back everything comes back uh together. Generally the Jewish sensitivities are heightened. So you'll be able to absorb a lot more. It's just a fact. The anxiety you're feeling it's not because of one thing or another. It's an it's an existential it's an existential. We'll soon understand it's an existential feeling. People uh it's a time of year that people feel a lot of anxiety and they think it's because of punishment and because of negativity. It's just um that's just the outer manifestation of it. The real anxiety is very very powerful. I we'll explain what that is because then when you sublimate it, you see it completely in a different way. It really comes from a very very positive and and loving energy. What is that? What is that? What is the essence of chuva? Not just the prat but also also the on the other hand whenever you go to the lofty places where everything begins you sometimes can lose sight of the details. So that's why what we want to focus we should have this to be a channel to be able to bring this out is how the deeper deeper element of chuva really can express itself in a person's very daily granular simple daytoday life so it doesn't just remain in the clouds in the heavens as we say it says in this week's parash listen heavens as I speak but then let the earth also hear it because sometimes you could speak to the heavens literally or the heaven inside of you but you want it's also my earthy parts should also be able to listen to it the writes from so he says why is it that at the end of his life he's speaking to the people it's literally his last sermon his last presentation and he starts speaking to the heavens and the earth speak to the people I mean imagine a rabbi was with a congregation for 40 years and now he's about to give his last last speech he's saying goodbye he's bidding farewell and he gets up to the community it's packed everybody is there and he says listen heaven listen earth it's like really you gave up on the people and now you can only talk to the walls listen this wall listen that wall I'm done with the people so says that was really teaching in his last speech in his last he was teaching every teacher forever how to speak how to communicate he says whenever you speak to people don't get stuck with the earthiness of them speak to the heaven inside of the people always speak to the heaven inside of people and everybody there's a piece of heaven. You remember that song a small piece of heaven inside of you. So we says if there's going to be even somebody lost at the end of heaven from there you're going to be gathered. So uh the bells of the shalom once said even somebody who's lost they're cast away there's a little little piece of heaven even there's an edge of heaven inside of them from there you could be picked up very often I could speak to the parts of people where there is resistance he says don't do that over there there's going to be resistance don't speak to the defensive parts speak to the shamayim speak to the purity of people to the idealism of people and then vish maharat and then the earthy parts will also be able to hear it right aim higher don't aim don't aim lower in in those of you who want to take up being pilots ever so uh there's there's a concept called I don't know if that's on the bucket list for 5787 but the concept is very interesting there's a concept in uh aviation and flying called crabbing you know what crabbing is you could look it up afterwards crabbing is an interesting concept. If a plane needs to get from point A to point C, right? I'm sorry. From point A to point to point B. Yeah, thank you. [laughter] In English, they say I'm ahead of myself. Pun intended. Okay. [laughter] So, you want to get from point A to point B. They will actually create a destination. If point A is let's say here and point B is here parallel to it they'll create a destination for C which is higher than B even though that's not the destination but because of the winds the plane is naturally going to be pulled down. So therefore if your destination is much higher hopefully you'll end up where you have to end up but if your destination is actually your target you're going to end up lower than your target. This is called crabbing. Um uh in the Olympics they say sometimes when you're swimming imagine you're a fish. If you imagine you're a fish maybe you'll swim like a mench. But if you imagine you're a mench you're not going to swim. So sometimes it's not being unrealistic. You say I'm not so idealistic. I'm not so pure. It's talking to the deepest deepest parts of a person that come out even very very seldom. But then you have a reference point of who you are at your best moment. I heard a uh I asked Rabbi Waxman, Schlit, Rabbi Fry Waxman how his boys are doing and yeshiva how he feels the the climate of the yeshiva boys. So he gave me a parable. He said that there was once a fellow he had a zoo and he needed a tiger and the tigers in Africa were very very expensive. So he hired a yidela who needed parnosa and he said would you like to be a tiger? Sure. If it's a good pay I'll be anything. You know what does a person not do to support? You got to buy kala for shabas and some food for sukas. So puts on a tiger uniform. And this Jew excelled at his skill. His roars, his growls, his running back, getting into fights, angry, happy, relaxed. It became an overnight sensation. Tourists from all over the place were coming to see this incredible tiger. And the owner of the zoo was really raking it in. Everybody was happy. A year passes and at 7:00 at night, the last visitor to the zoo is supposed to be gone. And our dear Jew believes that the day is over. So finally, you know, the zoo attendant who comes in, HE SAYS, "OH, SHALOM." THE TIGER SAYS, "SALAMLAYKUM. How are you?" Oh, has this been a long hard day. He didn't realize that there was one gentile tourist who was still there. And he suddenly hears a tiger. Shalom. Shalom. It's been a long day. He runs over to the owner of I have to speak to you. He says, "You're a real Ghanov. You're a thug. You took a person. You dressed him up as a tiger. I've been coming here for a long time to see this tiger. I want all my money back and I'm going to publicize that you're a crook throughout the whole world." And the owner says, "Relax. What happened?" He says, "I heard the tiger say shalom." I heard the tiger say shalom. He says, "How long have you been coming here?" He says, "A year. How often? Every week." He said, "Did you ever hear the tiger speak?" Never. This was the first time. Yeah. But a whole year you didn't hear him speak. No. He says, "What a fool you are. He speaks one time and that cancels out his silence of a whole year. That doesn't make sense. You go according to the majority. Statistically, he's a tiger. HE'S NOT A human being." YOU HEAR HIM SAY SHALOM ONCE. AND WHAT A ridiculous way of looking at something. [laughter] You understand Rabbi Waxman's parable? We laugh because we know that the owner of the zoo with all of his brilliance is wrong. It's dead wrong. And the reason is because if you're a real tiger, then not once a year do you say shalom. Not once in two years. And not once in 40 years. If you're a tiger, you never say shalom because you're a tiger. The fact that a tiger could say once a year shalom means that 364 days of the year it's also not a tiger. It's a human being just dressed up like a tiger. Sometimes people judge themselves based on their lowest moments. That's not a fair judgment. Based judge yourself based on your highest moments because if I was really a tiger I would never be capable of saying shalom. If even once a year I can utter two words shalom. means I may think I'm a tiger the rest of the year. I may dress like a tiger. I may live like a tiger. I MAY GROWL as a tiger. I may roar as a tiger, but I ain't no tiger. So very often it's important. I often look at the worst thing I did, my weakest moment, my most desperate moment. I ate inappropriately. I said this inappropriately. And that's how I sum up my life. Of course, I would like to fix that. I would like to learn from it. But don't reduce yourself to that person. And how do I know? Because if even once a year you are channeling something much deeper, that means that's connected to you. That's not all false and inauthentic. Now bring all the pieces of your life together. That's a very fear experience. So that's why we have these two aspects that we're going to be addressing. The heaven inside of people and the earth inside of people. In order to appreciate this and those who were here last week's class, it's not going to be a direct continuation that if you weren't here, you won't understand the class, but it is a deeper layer of what we spoke about Jacob and Israel and the two different aspects of the soul. And here we'll take it both deeper and also want to bring it down in a very practical way. So I want to begin with the first source um which is from Gar. It's a very very strange debate in the Talmud, but it really opens up a vista to such a powerful reflection. Okay, imagine 2 and 1/2 years Jews having a debate. Now, that's not a surprising thing. Jews have been debating for 4,000 years. So, it's not a big deal that for two and a half years, they had a debate that didn't stop. Probably in your own house, there are arguments that have been going on for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. Lights on, lights off. Venetian blinds down, Venetian blinds up. It's too cold, it's too hot, milk, flesh, whatever it is. shine. We're going out. We're not going out. That people debate for years is not the end of the world, as they say. What's fascinating here is that the Talmud records the debate, that it went on for two and a half years, and that it was between the greatest sages of the time and that it seemingly contradicts the whole of Yiddish. The Gmorrah says as follows, a page gimmel, track it to page 13. You have it in the original and also the English translation. Ton, the rabbis taught Sha, the house of Shami and the house of Hill which means the school of the great sage Shama and the school of the great sage of Hill. They disagreed. They had a disputation for two and a half years. For two and a half years this was their argument. Imagine it was an ongoing debate. Now who are Basil and Bama? These are the two great schools of learning of Torah learning that existed around 50 or 100 years before the destruction of the second bay mikt. Shami and Hill were two of the elderly sages, two of the great sages a century before this destruction of the second basikt. And they both had schools of thought students and student students that developed their ideas and thoughts. And Bashami and Basil are known as two major homes of learning in Jewish history at the end of the second basikt. And it continued for generations known as b sham and basil. What's the argument? Let's hear the argument cuz they argue about hundreds of things. They argue of the first night of Kaneka you should light eight candles according to Shamai B Shay or one candle according to Basil. They argue about so many different things. But this argument is actually a philosophical argument. It seems very very impractical. One group says, "It would have been preferable had the human being not been created than if he was created." The other group says, "No, it's preferable for a human being to have been created than not to have been created." Wow. Fascinating argument. So, they're not arguing about anything practical. Sounds like real men, right? SHOULD HAVE WE BEEN CREATED? SHOULD HAVE WE NOT BEEN CREATED? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? YOU'RE HERE. NO, MAYBE IT'S NOT GOOD. YEAH. There was once I knew he was a smart man, but he fell into alcoholism. So he once said, the opening of is borious. Hashem created the world. So Rashi the first said should have began from another par. So this drunk used to say God created the world. So the first is there was no need for it. My opinion is there was no need for it. It's a fascinating argument. One group says it would have been better or preferable without creation if we would have never been created. The other one says nope I disagree. It's much better that we were created. Okay. What happens? He says imagine after two and a half years they decided to take a vote and to follow the majority. Nimnu they took a vote a count vamu and they reached a conclusion and let's hear the major conclusion after two and a half years from the two great schools of Jewish thought you guessed it would have been much better if nobody was created than if they were created now that you were created you should be a mench now that you work which means you shall Well, examine yaspish means you should search, you should scrutinize your actions and seek to correct that which has to be corrected and perform them in an enhanced and wholesome way. That's the end of the story. The biggest question here is anyone who opens up a parish batious knows that after Hashem created the creation of every single day, what's the summation? He saw what he made and it was good. When it comes to Friday, after he created Amazing. It's amazing. 1500 years later come the greatest sages of Jewish history. I'm like, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. We got to put this up for a debate. And two and a half years now, these were not lady gayers. You're talking here about the greatest sage that said they had other things to do. WHAT ARE THEY ARGUING ABOUT? HASHEM thinks you should be created. How do I know he created you? AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'RE NOT SURE. NO, MAYBE WOULD HAVE BEEN much better not." WHO ARE THEY arguing with and what's even the point? Let's say YOU THINK WHAT'S THE POINT? And then they BRING IT TO A VOTE and who wins? The opinion that you would think after everything they would somehow convince their colleagues life is good. Life is good. And the hope it says always right says that is one of the fundamentals of Judaism to be joyous to be spirited to have a positive attitude to life and it's all about positivity and here this seems like a very very negative statement it's not only this is not good that's not good I'm have a stomach ache okay I have so much on my plate this is like your very existence is the problem forget about det details and that's the he says however once you were created you know try to uh try to make as they say you know when people you come to someone they have a miserable job I have a miserable marriage I have a miserable home I HAVE MISERABLE IN-LAWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IS MISERABLE and they're like I AGREE BUT NOW THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE OKAY MAKE THE BEST OUT OF it that's pretty pretty depressing yeah >> but I still >> you like it >> okay from the side of comfortable. >> Beautiful answer. You're saying it doesn't say it says meaning it would have been easier from the word would have been more serene. Okay. So now it's interesting but there's a whole other side. What does the other side say? We also have to understand the other side. And why are they arguing for two and a half years? Everybody knows life is hard. They also knew it. So there's a very deep argument here obviously, right? It's a very good explanation you're saying. But let's go a little deeper. >> Huh? >> It seems quite discouraging, right? And that's the that's the verdict. And it took them a long time. Most debates they could debate a day, a few days, a few weeks. Here it's like went on for years. In order to appreciate this, this is a classic example where one needs to see the pineus. One needs to see a much deeper layer of the entire understanding of what they were talking about to be able to really appreciate what these two opinions are saying and why the verdict is better or more comfortable if he would have not or she would have not been created. For this we go to the blessing the first blessing that we say in the morning. It's how we open our day known as it's your second source. Now it's interesting in the time of the Gmorrah they didn't say they just said this the Gmorra in page 60 says when you wake up in the morning you say and the reason is you know the reason is because today we don't want to mention Hashem's name before we wash so that's why the first thing we say in the morning is gratitude for returning my soul but doesn't have Hashem's name so you could say it even when I could say it even when I'm still in bed and then I can wash and then once I do I wash my hands I say alakina shama but in the time of the gor they were very aware of what's happening with their hands during the night and they were kept it clean so therefore they could say it right away however what do we do right after maidani this is what we say we wash our hands obviously make a person goes to the bathroom says but then this is one of the opening blessings and what does it read let's see my god The soul that you have put into me is pure. It's pure. You created it. You formed it. You blew it into me. You protect it inside of me. You're also in the future going to take it from me. But then you're going to bring it back in the future. As long as this soul is inside of me, I acknowledge you. I thank you. I'm grateful to you. I surrender to you. My God and the God of my fathers, the master of all deeds, the master of all the souls. And we finish off. You restore souls back to a lifeless corpse. That's the blessing. When you look at this, it seems like pretty straightforward. But there's something very interesting and that is before we talk about the fact that you created it, we first describe what it is. Usually if you want to describe something the first thing we should say the soul that you have put into meas you created it once I said you created it which means you brought it into being now let's describe what it looks like first describe the actual existence of it you created it and now we'll say and this thing that you created you formed is pure it's not what he does he says The soul that you put into me is pure and then he said and by the way you created it. It's pure after you created it not before you created. The first thing is you created it and then it becomes pure. But here first he says it's pure. But if in order to it to be pure it has to be created, right? You can't be pure if you're non-existent. And then afterwards >> Yeah. [snorts] >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Which brings us to the next thing. What are all these words you created? It's pure. You created it. You formed it. You blew it into me. You protected in me. You going to take it away from me. You're going to give it back to me. And therefore, as long as it's inside of me, so right here in this statement, the reason we say this the first thing in the morning is because this is probably, not probably for sure, the most important thing for a person to know every morning. Before I could begin my day, I need to be able to pause, breathe. Nishama means nishima. The word nishama means breathe. So before I begin my day, I pause. I breathe. And I tune in for a few moments to who I am. Because if I don't know who I am, my entire day I could be going in circles. So, it's like having a compass, anchoring myself in my center, in my essential identity, and then beginning to navigate the day. One of the most torturous things in a person's life is when I'm in a maze and I don't know where I'm going. And the reason I don't know where I'm going is not because there's no clear signs on the road. It's because I don't know who I am. So therefore, I'm being pulled in directions. this instinct, this text, this what's up, this pressure, this anxiety, this need, which makes sense because life is always demanding things of us before everything. For me to be able to show up openhearted with presence, I need to have those few moments where I can go inward, discover the core, the essence, and from there begin responding and initiating to the day. Because when that doesn't happen, people find themselves 1:00 in the afternoon. I'm so disoriented. I'm in disarray, emotional disarray. Why? Slept there. Slept there for good reasons. Always good reasons. But I didn't take that time to be able to go inwards and establish my core, my center, right? And exercise is something called work in the abs. You got to you got to establish a powerful powerful core and center. And then from there, you can begin the process. It's like we spoke last week. If I get into my car and Google Maps asks me where I want to go, right? But the challenge is I don't know where I want to go exactly. So I'm like, we're going to start going. We'll see what text comes my way. Oh, I got to go shopping. I got to go here. I got to go [laughter] here. And then I'm going here. I'm go. But you first I have to establish as he says where I come from, where I want to go. This is what we're saying here. And here let's see a little bit inside. This is a discourse from the alterbat and also part the third source of for this we need to see what is chuva the gmorra says in tractabas of a person should do chuva all the days of their life and ask the question what does that mean literally it means nobody Nobody knows when their time comes. So therefore a person should always do chuva. But literally it means I should always be doing chuva. But if chuva is simply repenting for something wrong, we should give a better blessing. All your life >> you should. Yeah, I should behave. So I wouldn't have to do chuva. It's like all your life you should sin and always do chuva, right? It's like telling telling a husband OR TELLING A WIFE MAKE MISTAKES every single day, but just make sure to apologize. Maybe one, okay, it happens, but maybe you could try sometimes not to make the mistakes. You don't have to apologize. Says no. All your days you should be doing the real essence of chuva is not to fix something wrong. It's like it says inelis in ecclesiastes the spirit tash should return to hashem who gave it who imbued it into the person. What does this mean? Return what? Why do you have to return it? We say in the morning is he when you blow something. He is the breath. When I blow this breath first was inside of me and when I blow it, it leaves me and it becomes a separate entity. Not only that, today we know it creates a reality outside of me. Earwaves are very very serious. The whole technology of radio, telegrams, telegraphs which change the world is because when you utter a word, it doesn't just fade away into oblivion. Rather, if we can detect the symptom, the impact of the words, you can actually pick it up and be in Australia and hear what somebody is saying in New York. So when you blow blew out the soul, the breath is inside and then it goes out and it becomes an entity. So what does that mean? This is saying something as follow following. It's saying that the soul didn't originate as a bria as a creation. The soul originated as part of the divine. It's like the breath where it's inside of you. It's indistinguishable from you. I don't say here look at me and here is my breath. When I speak or when I blow the breath leaves me. But before the breath leaves me, it's an indistinguishable part. It's an indistinguishable part of me. So when we say about the soul, you blew it into me. That means there's two states of the soul. There's the soul pre the blowing and the soul post the blowing. That's the meaning before. You creating the soul is stage B. It's not stage A. Precation the soul existed. What did it exist as? Pure. The word tora means pure. In Aramaic it also means light. To Hebrew in Aramaic is the afternoon when the sun is shining. So means it's pure and it's also light. It's luminescent. What does it mean? It's light. It's the light of Hashem. So it is subsumed in the core of Hashem and therefore it's completely part of him. It's part of Hashem is infinite. So where is the soul? The soul is an extension of that infinity, a manifestation of that infinity, a derivative of that of that infinity. It's not separate. So is before precation. That's why you don't say the first thing you created it. No, before you created it, it was here. What do you mean it was here? How could something be here before it was created? The answer is because it wasn't here as a creation. It was here as creator. The soul in its core is not a thing that's created. It starts off. It's the light of Hashem. Then is then it becomes an entity that you could say it was created a consciousness. It's formed to the point that it actually leaves you and it goes into my body and it becomes an entity that's actually existing inside of me. And then he says, "And it's going to go back to that source." And then you're going to bring it back. So therefore, what's the conclusion of this blessing? Because the soul comes from radical infinite love and goes back to radical infinite love. So even while it's separate, even while it feels itself as separate, I'm going to surrender its separateness back to its source. that it shouldn't remain detached even when it could be perceived as detached. That's the sequence of this blessing. This is the source of the soul prea. Now let's understand he says this is called the mazle. When you say a person's masle, what does mazle mean? This is the mazle. Masle is their source of their soul. Is the garra says Jews don't have a masle. That's referring to constellations and planets that have an impact and there you have to know that they don't determine your life. But there is something called masle which is the source the root of your own soul. Masle comes from the word nois which means something that flows. Noim are liquids that flow. They trickle. Because mazle is the source of your soul which then flows. It creates a nazil, a mazle. It generates a trickle down into the conscious soul which is in the body. But it's like always connected. It's literally trickling down. When a person has a divine flow or thoughts of real chuva, what just happened? The source of their soul just trickled down an extra flow. And therefore, there's an awakening. I don't even know why, but because the source of my soul feels everything. And now I just got a little tinge. I was tickled by an arousal from the source. There was like a masle. My mazle generated a noil a flow a trickle to the conscious soul and it's like oh my god it's a certain awakening say that there are different voices that make announcements every day what's the point nobody hears them so he says no your masle hears every basal its antennas are clear it detects everything that's GOING ON IT'S JUST my conscious self may be blocked so it doesn't get the memo because the antennas are not pure enough. Mazle is there's a nazil but there's always a trickle and then sometimes there's more flow and then I start experiencing my mazle. So now I connected the two parts of my soul literally connected. This is the essence of chuva. Chuva is a continuous posture in life that my soul knows who it is and therefore it's always in a state of returning to its source, surrendering its separateness to its source from which it was taken. which is also called which means no thingness which is also it's the reason the soul comes down. It's the purpose of the soul coming down through it which reaches a much deeper connection even than in ganed where it based in the radiance of theina that was still a state of barasa. It's down here that the soul can actually meet its true essence which is which is even deeper the masle and he says these words the whole purpose the soul came down to this world is to become a bouva to become a bouva what do you mean to become a baltva what happens if I'm f [laughter] people say I'M AN FFB I'M NOT A BALTVA SAYS YOU GOT IT WRONG BECOME A baltva What am I doing? WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW what to do? Chuva, he says chuva is chuva means you're actually in touch with the reality of life. That there's a separation from the life of life. And chuva is I'm always in a state of choosing return. Choosing return. Choosing return. Sometimes the person who thinks their life is completely perfect is deprived from the gift for which their soul came down because they don't appreciate what the gift of truva is. Now what is what is what is what is the balatanya teaching us here? very very profound existential ideas but I think extremely important especially in our generation to understand because if you really want to understand what is underlying most anxiety this is it even though it expresses itself in a thousand different symptoms but this is really this is really it and if you'll open yourself up you'll know that this is what your soul this is what your soul is looking for I just want to give a little story a metaphor to be able to appreciate this there was once a person he loved music and very very sensitive to music and he heard a niggan. He once heard somebody play a You know some you hear a niggan and it was not just breathtaking, it was life-changing. The soul just was just like dancing from ecstasy. But you know how it is. You hear it, you promise yourself you're never going to forget it. Comes home, forgets the song and is so desperate to remember the song, he goes on a search. He was traveling somewhere and it was in a marketplace and somebody was with a violin playing the niggan but he doesn't know who, when, where. So he goes on a search and he searches every continent and every country and every reference he can get. I'm looking for the niggan and he goes to everybody and everybody sings nigun. Everybody sings beautiful melodies and ballads AND THEY'RE ALL NICE. They're all gashmak but he's liked [laughter] that's not the niggan. [panting] and he goes and goes and goes and travels. It's all nice and gishmach. And sometimes the desperation of wanting to find that song, he has to make believe that he heard the song just to calm himself down. But of course, a few days later, he knows it's not that It didn't hit the same spot. But then sometimes you get desperate and people are looking at you like you're mug. Like there's plenty of good music out there. LIKE JUST FIND A SONG AND RELAX and calm down. And there's other good things. There's potato chips. Besides music, there's something called potato chips. There's vanilla ice cream, right? There's hot tubs, there's massages, there's money, THERE'S THERE'S OTHER THINGS BESIDES YOUR MUSIC, but he's dissatisfied. And then one day, he comes somewhere and he hears the song. And you know, immediately, boom, this hit the spot. This is exactly what the alterb is describing here. The story of life. The nishama originates in a place of ayen. Ion we translate as nothing. But really that's a wrong translation. The right translation for ayen is nothing. Not nothing but nothing. It's an opposite meaning. Nothing is like nothing. How you feeling? Nothing. What's going on? Nothing. Yeah. It's like when you ask your husband, "How was your day?" Nothing. What's going on? Nothing. What are you feeling? Nothing. Yeah. Nothing that drives women more crazy than when their husband says, "I'm feeling nothing." But the truth is, you could sometimes believe him. By the way, you could sometimes believe him. He's not always feeling something. Women don't understand what that means. But between you and me, sometimes men are feeling nothing. Okay? Maybe they're numbing. Maybe they're a little detached. Maybe they're out for lunch and for breakfast and for dinner. Maybe he's been out for lunch 25 years. But sometimes he's not mish lying. Just just for the record, okay? But that's a separate that's a separate ayen doesn't mean nothing. Ayan means no thing. That's why we say the Ramban says the world was created something from nothing. Hashem is not nothing. What do you mean something from nothing? From nothing. Hashem is nothing. That's not nice. Why are you calling me? The answer is ayan doesn't mean nothing. Ayon means no thing. Something may from no thing. That which is no thing is the source of all things. That which is something can be the source of something. A bottle is a beautiful thing, but it's a thing. It can't be the source of all things. The only thing that can be the source for all things is no thing because it's not one reality. It's not a tangible defined reality. It's an infinite reality that can be the mother of all reality. That's what godliness is. That's what ayion is. So he says the source of the nishama is that ion. The source of that nama is that infinity. That means to put the words ego to soul are the greatest paradox. Not only does a soul not have an ego, the ego and the soul are the exact opposite because the definition of the soul is that it's just completely absorbed in iron. It's the light of Hashem. It is Hashem. It's literally the derivative of Hashem. So it has essentially you can't even call it an it. If they call turn to the soul and say who are you? The soul is like you got the wrong guy. What do you mean who are you? The moment you're asking me who am it means already I'm already not in touch with me because the real me is I and the real me is absorbed in nothingness which means in everythingness which means in the totality of reality in the space of Hashem who is completely infinite and doesn't have a description or a definition. It's the source of all love and the source of all bliss. But to call the soul a thing even not an ego thing even just a thing is already a death sentence on the power of the soul which is essentially it's completely absorbed in infinity. So this soul that you put into me before you even created it. It was there before you created. What was it as? It was there as which means complete a complete means it's absorbed in the essential and eternal and infinite bliss and goodness and love of Hashem. And that's what a soul a soul is. And I can't define it because the moment I'm defining it, I'm already it's like defining Hashem. However, however, and this is a big however. The soul did not remain in that space. We know that. How do I know? Because I'm here and I'm experiencing myself as a form. And some of us, at least me, have an ego. And maybe there's one or two other people. And I have insecurities and I have my anxiety and I have my fear and I have my separateness. I'm separate. So, what happened? ahabasa you took this divinity which is and you made it a bria a creation it's still a divine soul but it's a creation and then it's formed and then and what happens when you blow the breath leaves you so what happens now when the soul comes into my body it's like well one second I'm a no it left what does it mean it left how can you leave Hashem [snorts] when I blow it left my body cuz my mouth has a limited space but when I bro it leaves me you can't leave Hashem so he blew it didn't really leave him so what does it mean he left him it perceives itself as though it left him the breath of the soul experiences itself outside of the source that moment is the greatest traumatic moment in existence there can't be anything greater because from no thing you suddenly became a thing from iron in I became yesesh from being completely infinite with no ego whatsoever with no self outside of Hashem suddenly I'm a self that leap that transformation we call it a quantum leap it's the greatest rad most radical transformation that will ever happen in life from being literally absorbed in infinity without any self because you are hashem hashem is you and suddenly I'm like this breath And like who I am, WHO AM I? And I'm not feeling that I'm still in the source. Even though I am in the source, but my soul to be a soul can't feel that it's in the source because then it never becomes separate. And the whole purpose is to have a soul that gives life to a body and an animal consciousness and all my 86 billion neurons and all my 60 trillion cells and all of my tissue and organs and limbs and bones and every single cell and molecule and atom in my body. It's all becomes a being called soul in goof and everybody has a name and an identity and then you got to figure out your life. That's why you're here in the source. Nobody's figuring out their life. You don't have to figure out your life because let Hashem figure out his life. I'm just part of him. [laughter] But here I become now a separate thing. It's at this moment where the soul easily easily can forget the song. The soul can forget the niggan that niggan that it was its song. It forgets it. So what happens now? It starts searching for a song. So the animal soul in the body say to the soul there's other good things. There's kougal, there's kishka, there's potato chips or whatever it says. There's making money. There's getting attention. There's getting validation. There's becoming the saddak of the generation, becoming the biggest balas in the tri-state area. There's there's this there this people liking me. I grow up and it could even be spiritual, religious things, but I'm looking for a validation for this breath that's separated from its source and it's looking for oxygen. It's really looking for the song. You have water. >> It's not separated at all. But in its perception, it's like the breath is out and now like so the body and the animal soul come to the divine soul and like we have a beautiful life for you. And they teach the divine soul how to survive and how to function in a world where it could be safe. What is the anxiety of the soul? It's looking for the original song. It knows this is not the niggan. It's nice. It's nice to get attention. It's nice to be successful. It's nice when people like me. It's nice to be a good guy or a good woman. It's nice to have all the blessings in the world. It's really nice. But the soul knows that there is an essential niggan that is at the core of everything. The music that touches it and touches its heart space is the music of bal of ego death of going back to because that's who I am. That's who I really really am. It's when the heart space can open up and experience the frequency of reality in ah that's the niggan. Now, here is where crisis in life, and I'm going to say this with a lot of sensitivity, become a blessing because if my life is functioning perfectly, I never have to go to these places. The potato chips work. And I'm not I don't mean to pick on potato chips. Potato chips are wonderful. Eat them. I mean, they're not for me, but uh if you enjoy potato chips, gaze, or it could be ice cream or whatever, milkshakes. I'm just using potato chips as a metaphor. If my life is functioning, the outer stuff work. So I could tell myself I could numb that need for that song much better because the urge is not there. Things are working. When a person is gifted with parts of their life starting to disintegrate, it's like I'm trying so hard. Why is this not working? This not working? That not working? Especially when the people closest to you are not giving you that feedback that you expected. So now two things can happen. Either I can dig deeper in to my shell, cover myself up more, distract myself more, work much harder, sleep less, go onto overdrive, but making sure business is as usual so that I don't feel the yearning for the original song. And then sometimes God gifts me with even a greater gift, and he doesn't let me do that. The sound of the beloved one is banging on the door. Open up. Open up. Open up. You weren't made to be closed. You weren't created to close up. You were created to crack open. But it's hard to crack open because my entire life often I dedicated to construct a house of cards or a palace of cards to construct a functional image and not from bad p not not with any bad bone in my body. It was completely innocent and idealistic. It was the best thing I knew how to do. Survive in a world of sharks in a way that I knew. And my coping mechanisms became very very well. And sometimes I some people could do it in sinister ways. Some people could do it even in very beautiful and kind and religious and even spiritual ways. I know if I look at my own life, I'm not now preaching to you as a lecture, as a teacher. I know this from my own experience because sometimes there's not there's nothing mean or sinister about it. Something like very very innocent. It's the and it's really God's story. It's part of the whole point that this was the best thing that way to make sense out of life. We want to survive. We need to survive. The soul doesn't know anymore who it really is because remember [snorts] it's experience itself outside. So the body and animal soul comes I'll give you an identity. What you really want is people to like you. What you really want is this type of success, that type of success. and it builds me up in a way that it knows it can do and I achieve it and sometimes my entire life I'm going around and around and around my core because I never got I never had the ability to actually meet my deepest deepest ion I never go there in fact in fact it goes even deeper and I know this is a little deep so if you understand it fine if not as but sometimes imagine if I'm facing a cliff if I'm literally at the edge of a cliff it's frightening to be at the edge of a cliff Nobody wants to be there. It's too too intense. So what happens if I tell myself that I must avoid this image and therefore I will do everything in my life to deny to myself that I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. Even if that means completely completely denying my truth. If I have a deep deep inner shame, a deep deep inner shame at my core. I can't even look at myself. Certainly I don't want anybody to see me. So I avoid sometimes I spend my entire life avoiding certain internal spaces that I never made peace with because it's too hard to face. So my entire life is constructed around avoidance. And if that's what happens, I could never really be open. I could never really be free. And it's all subconscious. I'm not doing it consciously. And the reason is because until I'm not ready to face the original trauma of existence, which is the separateness of iron, of infinity, I'm not really ready to face the story of my life, the story of creation. But that's something very, very deep and scary to face. Now, life usually puts in front of us a lot of different obstacles that are really here to remind us that I need to crack open. If I don't have any of these obstacles, which means my life is working perfectly well, it can be a beautiful blessing and sometimes it could be a very profound antithesis of a blessing because I literally can remain in my shell my entire life. I'm talking to people, I'm talking to myself and it's from a shell like I'm in a mask and I don't even know it. fortunate sometimes as the person and I know some people sitting in this room will relate to it very deeply that reality forced them to crack open as it forced me and it happens through usually very deep deep ways that are unexpected and they just crack you open one layer after another layer after another layer and all the coping mechanisms are not working they're just not working and at that moment at that moment we sometimes are open for our mausle to send down a little trickle and say you're looking for another niggan. You're looking for a niggan. There's a melody you're searching for. What's that melody? That melody is bal. That melody is ego death. That melody is the place where there is no eye outside of Hashem. What is that supposed to look like? It's not supposed to look like anything. It's full presence where the person is not with any defense mechanisms whatsoever. I don't have to be entangled and enshed in any one of my cobwebs or my insecurities or my fears of being better than people or being worse than people. I don't even have to tell stories about myself. It's a place where suddenly your antennas are pure and it's really in very simple words, you're a prophet. You're channeling the energy that Hashem is flowing through you. How do you know you're touching it? So here are the litmus tests always. You're very very very You're experiencing a very deep regulation without urgency, without anxiety. There is no ego there. There's no I don't have to prove myself to you. I'm not better than you. I'm not worse than you. I don't ever have to say anything to cover something up. I don't have to manipulate. I don't have to exploit. I'm not busy judging myself or others. I'm not busy telling stories. There's no narrator inside of me who's giving me commentary on every person and everything because it's hypervigilant. You familiar with that guy inside the brain doesn't stop, right? But it's always in control here. There's no control anymore. Why? You're completely comfortable in your space because your space is his space. We say in every morning in chakras, confidence and joy is in his space. That's the space. Another litmus test is that the people closest to you, people often ask, people do a lot of healing journeys. Now, what's the litmus test? That you're actually doing healing or you're going deeper into your ego and toxicity. So, usually there's four big litmus tests. Number one is the people closest to you, literally closest to you, are actually giving you feedback of how much more special it is to be in your presence. In other words, people who really know you, they live with you and they care for you and they love you and they know you and they're giving you feedback. If the rest of the world is telling you, "Wow, you're unbelievable, but your own spouse and kids are like, "I never saw such a narcissist like you." You have to pause and say, "One second, why is it that the closest people to you in your life, and they're not all corrupt and crazy?" If they are, they are, but they're hopefully not all. Everyone is like, "What happened to you? You're completely not here. You're like completely in your own tr. always a first litmus test. The people closest to you are like, "Wow, wow, it's amazing how you're working on yourself." Like we can see that. That's a huge litmus test. If your own family, literally your own immediate family are like completely turned off, something is something is strange. And this happens. This happens. This happens a lot. So that's why I'm saying it. The second thing is when you find that your healing is putting you at odds with is the Hashem's blueprint for alignment. The moment my healing says, "Okay, this is not I could change this that I have a new god. I have a new religion. I have a feeling then you should just know you're on an ego trip. You need some healing. It's fine. We all need healing. But don't turn this. Don't canonize this cuz if you were channeling the source, it would follow. It wouldn't be at odds with it's impossible. You will not throw away all the laws of and all the laws of and all the laws of relationships and all the laws of Shabas and Yamiff and the whole you wouldn't throw it away because if you're channeling you would get it. This is the blueprint of Hashem. The third thing is you feel more humble and more not more arrogant and more judgmental. When I'm feeling more arrogant and more judgmental, oh I get it. Everybody is sick. Everybody's in trauma. I'm the only guy who's not in trauma anymore. Bunch of weird weird little small consciousnesses that I'm going to teach enlightenment. You're gone. [laughter] Because the higher you go, the more humble you become. When you go to ion, there's no ego. Ego is easing God out. There's no ego in there's no judgment. You don't have to judge. You're here to bring out the best in people. The best in yourself, the best in people. So that's something else. And the fourth thing is, and this is very very internal, is there's a certain calmness that hits the spot. It's not a calmness because I'm going to be calm. It's not a calmness because Hashem wants me to be calm and I'm SUPPOSED TO BE BIMHA. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. I AM NOW BIMHA, RIGHT? Like we're all going to dance spontaneously. We're all going to cry spontaneously. It's an inner inner regulation because your soul just heard the song. your soul heard this song and it's like it's almost breathtaking. There's a calmness not because I don't have to do anything and not because there's no pain but because you're channeling the truth. Hashem is also in pain from the pain in the world. When you're in it's not like you're not in pain, you have pain. Maybe your pain is deeper because you actually feel the pain of the it's deeper pain. It's not less pain. And yet in the pain your heart is completely open. You don't don't you don't you don't close it because you you you sense the song comes the bala says that's all chuva of course of buva there's nothing else to life but doing chuva chuva doesn't mean I'm bad I'm a sinner sometimes chuva is fixing something but the real chuva is the posture of the soul it's recognizing two things number one I experience fragment fragmentation and separation every moment and therefore the natural experience of life is I'm separate and I feel it and the second thing is and now I want to return in order to heal it but I can't heal it if I don't acknowledge what I need to heal so there's two aspects of cha one is feeling the pain of detachment or perceived detachment and number two and now I don't have to remain detached I can take the next move that will bring me back into return. It's knowing that I'm homesick and I don't have to remain homesick because I can go home. Merus nephesh means surrendering the separateness to source. And that's the most powerful posture of life. It's knowing that I'm separate. I feel separate. How do I know? I just got angry at you. I'm judging you. I'm upset at you. I'm upset at myself. I'm in guilt. I'm in shame. I'm in anxiety. I'm overwhelmed. Okay, great. I'm not feeling the iron at all. I need to survive. I have a hundred things to do. Okay, acknowledge it. But instead of letting that anxiety take you over and become an isolated story, this person is driving me crazy. This person is driving me crazy. They may be driving you crazy. They probably are. Pause, breathe, and realize that on a deeper level, what do you really, really need? What are you searching for more than anything else? What is the pain at the root of all pain? And the truth is I want my niggan. The soul wants the niggan. Why? Because the soul is the music. The soul is ion. The soul is alus. That space is where the heart can open up and experience its source without any defensiveness. And that's why you'll notice something interesting in life. Interesting eternal in life. And that is no bliss. No human being in history ever experienced or will experience real bliss. Not fake bliss, a lot of fake bliss, but real bliss in the presence of ego. It's only an ego death where you can experience all bliss in the world. Why? The answer is because the greatest anxiety a person can have in their life is knowing that they're lying and that their life is a lie. There's no greater anxiety than that. All anx the deepest anxiety is if I know I'm lying and what if I know that I am a lie. Wow, that's anxious. Now, here's the deal. Existence ego knows deep down that it's a lie. It knows that it doesn't exist. So, if it knows deep down it's a lie, I can make my ego as amazing and as beautiful and as successful, at the core of it, at the DNA, there'll be one word. I'm anxious. You know why? Cuz deep down I know that I don't exist. And you're just making believe I exist. That's why I found in my own life trying to survive and be successful. I realized the more success, the more anxiety. Why? Because the ego knows the truth. It doesn't really exist. So, you're making believe. You're laminating me. You're making a beautiful portrait out of me. You're hanging me up everywhere. [laughter] It's not going to help. You're saying something that's a lie at its core, and it knows it. You're never going to have serenity and bliss from a lie. It's just not going to happen. The nervous system detects the truth. The only truth that will ever bring a person to real internal happiness is when the soul once again hears its niggan, its song. What is its song? It song is where I'm completely surrendered. The last words of Mosher Rabeno probably the most perfect human being in history. The Rambam says the most perfect human being. How does the Tyra finish off to describe his life? Two words hashem. Really? Come on. You can't say anything NICER ABOUT HIM. MISHA DIED. WHO WAS HE? A SLAVE OF GOD. REALLY? COME ON. EVERYBODY COULD BE A [laughter] GOOD DEAL. A SERVANT. WELL, big deal. A servant. But the truth is that was raenu because he was so talented because he was so perfect. Everything he could surrender in a moment. He was ever in that sense. Mosher Rabenu was never distracted. He was never separated. He always knew who he was. He was anchored in his deepest core. The deepest core is I am. That's the muzzle. That's your muzzle. That mausle always sees everything. It knows. It hears. When the mausle generates a trickle of consciousness into the soul and the body, that's what all awakening is. When you're sitting on your couch or you're walking and you're experiencing something is off. It's the source of your soul sending down a little little message, a masle noisel. It's like through a little tiny pipe which we call a neuron. It fires up and it's like the source of the soul is like that's not your song. You're not looking for that song. That's not your song. It's a temporary distraction. It's a number. It's keeping you off course. It's taking you away. I'll say, "Okay, I'll get a better song. I'll get a better song. I'll get a better song. I go to my phone. I go to this. I go to that. I go to that. I get busy WITH STUFF. I WORK. WHATEVER IT IS, I numb myself. Fine. I get it. But the masle I can't numb. I can't numb. And that's the deeper layers that come out. So of means that chuva essentially is a perpetual posture of the soul. Chuva is when I wake up. It's about chuva. Chuva is again that duality. I'm feeling separate. I am separate in many ways. It's real. It's not a fake thing. You blew it into my body. Yeah. And now what's the purpose of this? To become a Baltuva. What am I doing chuva for? I'm not a bad person. Everyone all life is truva. Chuva is healing the fragmentation, healing the sense of separation. It's in this space where the most honest relationships happen. Imagine this is going to happen very soon. Imagine a group of women sitting together. Nobody has to defend themselves. Nobody has to justify themselves. Nobody has to cover up anything. They can actually talk about two things. The feeling of fragmentation and the yearning to completely surrender into the place of ion. In that space, honesty emerges in its full splendor. If a husband and wife can have this conversation, this is mama. But if a if a husband and wife can have such a conversation, yeah, the the connection here is unparalleled because there's literally the makita the walls that exist between people which are all normal. We have walls. We need to protect ourselves. That's how it is. People present themselves in a certain way. Even to themselves. We have walls inside of ourselves. I'm not ready to know. Are you really ready to know everything about yourself? Everything. I know you're not. How do I know? Cuz I know I'm not. Number one. And number two, cuz 99% OF OUR SUBCONSCIOUS, WE DON'T KNOW. WHICH MEANS WHAT WE know about oursel is basically 1% of who we are. There's a reason for it. Your subconscious self is protecting you. masle is when I could say, you know what, you don't have to protect me. Let me hear it. Let me see it. And then it could show me the truth. And when it shows me the truth, it may also show me something very painful because it shows me how far I was ready to go to numb out the song that I was looking for. I was ready, >> huh? [laughter] >> So now here is the depth. Here is the incredible depth. [panting] Here is the incredible depth. But before we go to that, one more point and then we go back to we bring it together. Look at the fourth to the last paragraph. It says in Kabala Shabas is the same letters like tash and what's touva. So the balatanya now says something incredible. You know who's the first one who does chuva? You know who's the first one who models chuva according to all of this class? Who is the first one who's doing chuva and modeling chuva? >> Hashem. Remember all his parts were sent away. Hev. When does Hashem do chuva? Shabas. Shabas is why? Because Shabas is chuva. It's Hashem's chuva. What does it mean Hashem doing chuv? What's doing chuva for for creating the world? He's like, "Oh my god, did I make a mistake?" Sometimes maybe it looks like that. It's a much deeper chuva. The whole world is essentially God projecting outward. The words left the mouth. The breath left the mouth. The world feels separate. What's shabas? Shabas is Hashem brings everything back to the source. Shabas and is one frequency restoring everything to the source and the root because not necessarily for sins. Chuva is that the soul recognizing the soul came down and it feels fragmented and separate to bring it back to its source to surrender any separateness of my will before the one will that is really mine. And that's why were created even for complete sadd WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO do it's like I'm good ask your wife but okay ask you what's this ide even because this is the whole purpose of a person IF YOU'RE YOU DO MORE NOT less is not I look in the mirror I sin yesterday I s today I did this could look and say you know what I tried to live in alignment if I did something wrong. I'm going to I'm going to do chuva. He says it's much deeper than that. Even a real that sadic feels this fragmentation even more. So there is a deep urge for what's chuva. Chuva is not because I'm evil. Truva, like I said last week, don't do chuva because you hate yourself. Do chuva because you love yourself. Chuva is not because you're evil. Chuva is because essentially I'm in a place of truva is I don't even want to be a thing. I want to be no thing. I am an extension of the divine. That's the truth of who I am. It's the deepest deepest space. And yet all of life is taking me away from that. And that's the purpose of creation. And that's the whole idea of the first blessing. The first blessing is I know where I come from. I know where I'm going back. Now I get to choose it. We come from radical love. We go back to radical love. In this world, we get to choose radical love. What a gift. In the metaphor I gave last week, the wave comes from the ocean. It goes back to the ocean. For a few moments or a few decades, it rises to take on the form of a wave. The wave tells itself, "The worst thing I can do to myself is at those moments detach myself from the ocean and live a tortured life. Even when I'm a wave, I have a form. They're taking pictures of me. Everybody's having fun with me at the beach. [snorts] I am the ocean. Chuva is knowing who I am, what I am. Knowing that in the deepest core, I don't have points to gain. I don't need to score points. I don't have scores to keep up with. I don't have people to repay this way or that way. All that is the anxiety created from the animal soul feeling. It needs to establish itself as a separate being, as a separate reality. And here we're negotiating and fighting. The person who dies with the most toys wins. But what if I can let go of all of that and realize what I do want is the real vocus with source. And even if I'm completely not feeling that, okay, I'm not feeling that. That is part of this separation. But I do not want to now go into a space of more denial and more denial and distract myself with songs or things that are completely alien to that. So Shabas is the day that Hashem does chuva cuz what happens on Shabas? Shabas is the whole world goes back to its source. It's like after you work and you sit down and you reclaim your energy. That's why we say Shabas it's a holy day. The world is a holy place. What does it mean? It's a holy place. It's in a state of truva. Shabas is the day of of no thingness. So does and he says further why do we d every day is the mini shabas of every day to get to shabas every day needs a little shabas every day dvening is the little light of shabas so this is what you should do when you dive in when I dive I should let myself go away from everything I'm inshed with to be able to experience serenity like Shabas. Can I let go of all the anxious thoughts that take me away from my connection? Shabas the whole day is truva every day by dvening I can have a taste of shabas here he's giving the very practical embodiment of what this means and that is every single day a person owes it to their soul to give themselves a little taste of shabas what does that mean it doesn't mean I don't have responsibilities it doesn't mean the cleaning lady is doing an amazing job it doesn't mean there's not a lot to do on the to-do list it does mean that before I get inshed in everything. I'm bombarded often with a hundred thoughts about things, about people, about experiences, about yesterday, about tomorrow. Besides one thing, presence means presence. What if in the deepest deepest place what you really want, what I really want is the surrender of ego into anthe into infinity. That's the niggan of my soul. I don't want to be defensive. I don't want to be right. I don't want this person to validate me and compliment me. Not because there's parts of me they don't want. I do want it. Maybe I do want I want this person to apologize. This person wronged me. I'm anxious about this. You made a comment. I'm hurt. I'm feeling it. Can I sit with all of that? I don't have to run away from any of this. I could sit with all of this. The mistake that people sometimes make is they hear this and they decide, "Okay, this is who I am." and then an hour later you see it's not who you are because you just got a text from somebody very close to you and suddenly you're freaking out. So if you're so iron why you're freaking out. So that's why we have to be very very honest and authentic. I could sit with all of my emotions and I could say you know what right now the 2-year-old in me was just triggered. Yes, there's a part of me Y Jacobson that is still two years old. Welcome. That's why I'm cute. And this part and this part a part of me that is and this part is two years old and there's a part that's three years old and four years old. In other words, with all of our birthdays, we still hold on to the previous years. I'm still one and I'm two and I'm three and I'm four and I'm blessed is the person who can be an adult and still hold their child inside. That's what it means. Chuva, I could still hold these parts. Yes, I am now overwhelmed. I'm very, very angry. I don't know what this guy is talking about. I don't even know when this class is going to end. What I and when I and I just need a little inspiration for Yam Kipper cuz I'm really having a blah day and a boring day and I just heard who's coming for sukus. I'm in a really really bad mood and I really don't want to go to the shraas tonight and mitzvah's really not for me and genuinely if I remember what happened three month oh whoa whoa whoa whoa okay breathe [laughter] [panting] I can hold on to everything and I could watch it. I can really really watch it, but I don't have to get sucked into it and lured into it because I'm not two years old now. I can hold a 2-year-old. I can hold a three-year-old. And I may be right, but no, NO, NO, NO. HOLD IT. I'M RIGHT. I'M RIGHT. This person should apologize. THEY DID THIS. THEY SAID THIS. They completely And now I'm arguing in my brain. If they should have, they shouldn't. And two hours later, I'm completely in anxiety. What's the solution for all of this? Don't argue with your anxiety because anybody who argues with anxiety becomes more anxious. I promise you. Been there, done that. Your anxiety is more powerful than every argument in the world. All it wants to keep you is in the loop of argument. Argue, argue, argue with yourself, just with yourself. And then if you do it with other people, you just argue with other people. We don't argue with our anxiety. We can watch it. We can observe it. We could like, wow. We can have compassion for it. But we don't need to get lured in to its loop and completely overidentify with it and then worship it. I can hold that space and maybe there's something to do about it. Maybe there's something I need to talk about to somebody. Maybe there's a conversation that's to be had. Maybe I have to process it in myself. Maybe I just have to sit with the discomfort and not bypass it. What happens is when you sit with it and you don't have to judge it and you also don't have to get defined by it and then you can ask yourself a deeper question. What is your deeper pain? What is the deeper deeper pain? And you'll always see the deeper pain is attachment. I want attachment. I want to be connected. I really want to be I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to be seen as suspicious or mistrusted. I don't want to be seen as this way and this way. And then if you go deeper and deeper and deeper, the deepest real feeling is of course you want to be attached. You want to be attached to source. You want to be attached to the source of everything. Deep down I don't even want to be I. I want to be one with you. And that's who you are. And now I can ask myself a question. Will the next thing I say or the next thing I do or the next thought I indulge in bring me closer to that attachment that I'm looking for or separate me from that attachment. What happens often is I get distracted and overwhelmed and then I start looking for things I'm not really looking for and I'm disconnected. So shabas every single day he says is a mini shabas. There comes a time I can have a lot of anxiety, hold it, have compassion for it, but then also let go of letting it control. And can you lean in to the fact that your soul is in the womb of Hashem? Hashem is holding it. He sees you. You're inside. You're a piece of light. Can you really look at yourself and say, "I'm a piece of light. I'm Hashem's light. Me? No. No. Not me. I'm messed up. Here we go again. Okay. Part of me is feeling now that I messed up and it needs to tell it to me while I'm learning. Of course. While I'm trying to You're messed up. You're messed up. You messed up. And then it reminds you what happened on Rashana and then the day after and then a year before. All to take me away from real real connection. I can't fight it. I can hold it, but then I can choose and tune in to a deeper place without fighting the other parts. a deeper place where my heart could simply tell myself I'm now going to be present with my deepest deepest core and my deepest deepest truth which is which is shabas which is which is in which all I really want is my niggan my song the song of infinity the song of oneness the song of ble the song where I'm not separate. I never was separate and I never will be separate. And to allow that to flush through my nervous system, through my body and the makavas will come and come and come and I could look at them and I'm saying this again because this is how it happens and lean again into trust. Lean into surrender. Lean into faith. Lean into one heart space of love. I'm safe. I'm fine. I never really left. I'm now choosing not only to be homesick, but to identify that I'm homesick and actually take a step towards connection, towards love, towards real relationships, towards authenticity. And I can always do that even when there's a lot of other things going on. And now here we come to the question. This argument wasn't an argument. If life is a curse and pessimistic, this was the argument. Look at their words. So this is how the Reb explains it. Unbelievable. We are all is stage two. Remember what's the first step of the soul? One opinion says it's much more comfortable, much more As you said, if we would have remained in the state and if we go back to the state of there's so much more serenity, so much more bliss, so much more joy, so much more ecstasy. The need for ego is a trauma need. I've learned all our needs for ego are trauma needs. I have not seen in recent years me just my own experience. one mus I'm not talking about a disagreement that people have that's very legitimate but mas you stop talking and the hateful and all that I haven't seen one makas in a community in a family that's not based on trauma I have not see it you talk to the people it's like they're push trauma victims they're all trying to survive and somehow if I don't continue this fight I will be killing myself it's literally when you don't know who you are this is literally the trauma response If you would be able to feel for a split second what it is like to be loy wow that's shabas that's shabas I don't ever have to be defensive in the ego world doesn't make sense I shouldn't be defensive well you just criticized ME YOU JUST ATTACKED me somebody called me up somebody in social media uh defame uh what's the word uh defamed what's the word when somebody embarrasses you >> huh >> that's correct >> defamed them [snorts] and they're completely disoriented. They're overwhelmed. They're anxious. They have no life. They're completely whatever. Somebody shine. So why why are they calling me? Because the person saw that some time ago somebody did the same thing to me. So he wanted to know how I'm dealing with the anxiety and how I'm dealing with the with with the stuff. So how am I supposed to tell him this mimemer? [snorts] Because that's really the issue. That's the only way to deal with it is loy if I'm trying to establish myself as an identity. So somebody who throws an arrow against whoa and my whole life I could become tortured in that. You said this and you said this and she said this, they wrote this the email. Now I know it cuz I used to be there and I'm not telling you I'm not there yet. I still have barakashem my stuff to work on but I I understand very well the posture I literally live in that space and from there I have to be that way it's called survival you're swimming al among the sharks YOU BETTER BE A shark you better be a shark you're not swimming among benevolent whales you right you eat them or they eat YOU SO THAT'S THE POSTURE either you're going to eat me or I'm going to eat you and I'm going to eat you first it makes sense that's a trauma response. It's much more for a person to go to the place of the place where you are but not as a creation and for them the whole purpose of life is to go back to the other opinion is because Hashem wanted that's actually better that's actually more comfortable. What's the that ultimately the deepest serenity for the person is to be able to always experience the much more than the that's the of but God wanted me to be created. So one second it's but he wants me to be created. That's exactly what chuva is. Chuva is that actually the separateness I don't need it. You know who needs it? Hashem. This is where it turns around. The separateness is not my need. You know what my need really is? BL. Ego death. That's what I really need. That's what you need. That's what you really really need. If you knew yourself, that's what you need. My heart is open and just wants to channel pure authenticity. >> Huh? >> That's the song. >> That's my song. I want to play my song says, "I am a a harp for your melodies. My soul is a harp for the melody of that's what it is. That's what it wants to play. That's the space I want to be in 24/7. If I knew myself, if I could open up all the kleo and get behind all my coping mechanism, that's what it is. That's what it is. You want to defame me? Who you defaming? When you lo you didn't defame any that's what I tried to explain to this person that he has to find himself and not spend the next year of his life going to war because it's going to take away from his marriage and his relationship. And he's like a he said wow that's a big madga. I told him it's not a big madrega. It's actually selfrespect. It's self-respect. I said the only one who has to know that you were pure is Hashem. If Hashem knows you were pure, trust me, it's more than enough. Trust me, IT'S MORE. YEAH, BUT BUT BUT I GET THE BUTTS. I'm also out there. I get it. But that's the real truth. If Hashem knows you're pure, you're good to go. Because then all authentic people will know you're pure. If Hashem doesn't know you're pure, then you got bigger problems in social media. >> The Gomorrah is beautiful. Theor says that came into the sh and put him in the back of the class and he got very very uh upset. So looked at him and says trust me it's enough for you. Let me and your creator see you. You don't need anything else. You need me and your creator. It's interesting. He says me and your creator because in life it's important to have at least one person who sees you. Hashem sees you. But all real to be able to really find is you need one person to see you. I don't think you need more, but you need one person to really see you. People who had one person to see them could see themselves. Hashem sees you and that's the core of it all. But that's what told him. In other words, it's not going to be good for you to be in the front. Trust me, right? That's what it really is. And this is what I was trying to communicate TO THE PERSON. MUCH BETTER. Much better. So the question is so why do I feel separate? I don't need it. You know who needs it? Hashem needs it. Why? Because he wanted he wanted he wanted that me in my separateness should choose should choose connection. I can't do that if I'm not separate. If I'm in one a womb a fetus in the WOMB IS NOT CHOOSING MOMMY. [laughter] GOT NO CHOICE. RIGHT? I'm not I don't have to elaborate to this crowd. Right? A fetus in the womb is one. Once the umbilical cord is caught, oh, now it's an avoided to choose mommy. Some of your kids are struggling with this, right? Choose mommy. Defy mommy at different different stages. Mark Twain once said that when I was nine, my father was a genius. When I was 19, he was a Now I'm 29. He has such brilliant advice. It's funny how much the old man learned in 10 years. So, uh, we go through stages. So, it's the separateness that allows the whole of. >> So, [clears throat] now let's come to the last point. Huh? Only one shabas in the week, right? >> Yeah. >> Shabas is the chuva of the whole week and every day by davining is a mini shabas. So from all the six days of dvening you have the collective. Shabas is when hashem did chuva for the separation bringing back the world and that's the essence of chuva. Now we come to the last point mage the last point. Oh wow it's so late another four minutes. I'm gonna say this outside is called Shabas Shabasim the Shabas of Shabases. So Balatanya says it's such a powerful Shabas that the rest of the Shabbasim could be considered like the weekdays relative to Yamiper. That's why it's the main day of Chuva because what is the concept of Yamiper? What is the experience of Yam Kipper? Yipper he says that's when the soul experiences in its heart space the deepest expression of the niggan. That's when Hashem basically opens up so to speak his own heart space so that the soul's heart space feels the ayion in the most powerful way. That's why kipper begins with kidre which is basically all the promises we make to ourselves all the shackles that hold us back we can let go of because they're never they never come from iron they come from fear insecurity ego it ends it up with nila what's nila we usually say nila is the gates of heaven are about to close so make sure you dive and fast but there's a deeper meaning of nila that at that time the gates of heaven and are closed and you're inside like the room of the and the at the end of the that's the climax of yipper and when you say hashim seven times the opening of his heart space that all I want is you so it's the ultimate experience of chuva where comes a shabas from which the whole year grows out of that feeling of chuva the posture and the ability for the soul never to betray itself and always know that from the moment I wake up. I have that choice to know who I am and therefore how I want to live today and therefore when I'm here I'm not going to go into separation and this is the essence of at its core once I master what is at its core not just the tree but the forests now the details become manifestations of that of course every moment I want to show up with an open heart. I want to show up with presence. Now, I'm going to I ask myself before I open up my mouth to my child, to my spouse, to anybody. Is this going to bring me more attachment or more detachment? Is this going to help me find my song or numb me from my song before I take something into my mouth? The way you carry yourself 24/7, it's not because you're on a high level. It's because you're in touch with yourself. If I know deep down which song there's one song that will give me real bliss, real connection, real attachment. All other songs are either blockages or numbers or distractions or disassociations. So when that presence I could look and ask myself will the next word, the next thought, the next action bring me into this deeper place of connection or just be another number. I may have a lot of things going on. I can hold them and then choose the posture of chuva. Wishing you all an amazing year. Blessed with abundance and a year of redemption. Thank you for coming. This is the niggan you were looking for. I think maybe the last thing you keep that lets the he >> lets the he