Why We HATE Being Told What to Do - Rabbi Yirmiyahu Cohen

Please, don't tell me what to do. I hate it when you tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to do. Is this something that's familiar to you? It is by me. I hate it when people tell me what to do. But, where does this come from? So, I'm going to tell you there's a Gemara. The Gemara says in Kiddushin Bava Kamma, it says as follows, that gadol hamitzuve ve'oseh, greater the person who's commanded, who's instructed, and does what he's told to do, mimeni she'eino metzuve ve'oseh, than the person who is not told what to do, and it does it on his own free will. It's greater when I'm told and I obey than when I do it out of my own free will. That's a Gemara. Why is this? I want to tell you four reasons. The first reason is Tosafot, one of the Rishonim says, reason number one, when you have to do something, and you have to do it properly, you have much more pressure. It's much harder. And whenever things are harder, no pain, no gain. So, what's harder for me to do? Something that I have to do, and I have to do it properly, that's harder. No pain, no gain. Lefum tzara agra. That's number one. The second perush is when I do something out of my own free will, I'm doing it cuz I want to do it. But, when I do something because God tells me, "Do this mitzvah, do that mitzvah, don't do this, don't do that," and I go ahead and I obey, not only am I obeying, but I am listening to the word of God. And therefore, if I do it out of my own free will, it may be a nice thing, but it's not the word of God. If God tells me, and I obey, I'm doing the same action, but now it becomes the word of God. That's what Gamara says. Gadol Hamitzuva Oseh Mimish Enno Mitzuva Veoseh. Good. There's another Tosfos in Avodah Zarah that says that there's a third reason. A third reason why it's it's better for us to do something when we are forced than when we do it freely when we do it out of free will. He says, "Because when Hashem tells me to do something, or not only Hashem, my parent tells me to do something, or even harder, when my wife tells me to do something, I automatically don't want to do it. The yetzer hara gets involved. The moment I have to do something, the yetzer hara, the evil inclination gets involved and tries to get all the blocks, all the obstacles. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. He gets into my head. Don't listen to God. Don't listen to your parents. Don't listen to your wife. And now I have to fight through this hitnagdut. I have to fight against this opposition that comes from the yetzer hara. I don't want to listen. I don't want to do it. Nonetheless, I do it. It's a greater reward, says Tosfos. It's a greater reward because I'm putting much more effort. So, the first the first reason is like it's harder, there's more pain, there's more pressure, I get more reward if I do it. The third reason was the yetzer hara, it's harder, it's more pain, I don't want to do it, I get more rewards. And the middle one is the second reason is when I do it, I'm actually doing it because Hashem told me. I get much more rewards. When I do something because Hashem told me, it's a mitzvah as opposed to when I do it on my own. But the the answer which I would like to bring out is the answer of defiance. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Don't tell me what to do. Naturally, we are built that somebody tells us what to do, we don't want to do it. Here in Israel for example, I have grandkids baruch Hashem and when I ask them to do something that they don't want to do before they even word Abba or Imma, before they know the words Abba or Imma, they shrug. Like, I don't want to do this. I'm not doing this. Lo ratzeh. Like, where did they get this from? Nobody taught them how to shrug. Yet a child, as soon as he knows what an instruction is, he will shrug and say no. I don't want to go to the bath. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to WAKE UP. I DON'T WANT TO GET DRESSED. Because when you tell somebody something, they will automatically mitz nagged. Automatically go oppose it. Defiant. So now, if I go ahead and I go against my grain and do what Hashem told me to do or what my parents or what my wife tells me to do, I'm going against my grain. I'm doing what they're saying, but it's greater. You know why? Not because I'm getting more reward. That's also true. It's because I'm working on myself. I'm becoming a better person when I'm thinking about other people. I'm not doing just what I want. It's not all about me. It's not all about me. It's not all about you. That's the first point. Now, the Ritva, which is a Rishon, the Ritva says that He asks the question. The Ritva asks the question as follows. He asks, "So, can I do a mitzvah voluntarily or can I not do a mitzvah voluntarily?" So, he says like this. When For example, if I want to do an act of kindness or I want to be nice to a person or smile or help a person, if I want to do an act of ben adam le chavero between me and my friend, then the more I do, the better. Even if I'm not told to do it, the more I do, the better. That's what the Ritba says. However, the Ritba says, if I decide I want to do a mitzvah, a commandment that I'm that I'm not told to do, for example, I decide I want to wear I want to keep both days of Sukkot, or wear more tzitzit, or do something extra I don't have to do, nobody told me to do, so the Ritba says that you can't do. Indeed, the Gemara Yerushalmi says that "Ha'oseh mitzvah d'eino metzuveh, if somebody does a mitzvah and he's not commanded, nikra hedyot." The translation of the word hedyot means, in this case, foolish. If you if Hashem tells you to do something, then you do it. If Hashem doesn't tell you and you do it, you're foolish. If Hashem didn't tell you, it's obvious you don't have to do it. However, says the Ritba, when it comes to ben adam l'chavero, between me and my friend, yes, even if you're not even if you're not instructed, yes, do the mitzvah. Yes, help. In fact, if you help somebody out of your own free will, you do it happier, and the person on the receiving end is happier, too, because they see you're happy to help. Good. Now, this this a little bit fits answers the question about the famous question in the Chumash. Hakadosh Baruchu, God has created Gan Eden. He created the Gan, the Garden of Eden. In this garden, there were hundreds and thousands, if not millions, of fruit trees. And God decided that all the fruits of all the fruit trees, you can eat. That's fantastic. Free food. Free fruit. He said only one thing. He tells Adam to tell Hava, "You can eat all the fruits except for the eight sadat. You can't eat from that tree. And what does Hava go ahead and do? She eats dafka from that tree. There's many answers, that's not the time for now. There's many answers to why she ate dafka from the eight sadat, but one of the answers is that because she was told you can't, then she wants. She was told you can't, then she wants. The mefarshim explain, what does it mean she was told you can't, then she wants dafka that one? It's because a person is built in his DNA to go neged, to go against. You tell me, I say differently. You You instruct me, I don't want. That's why in the DNA of a woman, she's called ezer kenegdo. What's kenegdo? So, the word kenegdo in marriage can mean that parallel. It can mean facing you, or can it mean against you? And they could all be the same thing. The wife and husband come The wife and husband are like Imagine that the The wife and husband come from different angles. They're facing each other. That's kenegdo, facing each other. And sometimes they're they are going against each other. But as long as they're facing the middle, then that's called a super happy marriage. You can have husband and wife who are supposed to be opposite, are supposed to be opposites attract, but they're facing the middle. And when she argues and he argues against her, but they have the common goal of shalom bayit, of Torah, of mitzvahs, of good ideals, then that's what's called a beautiful perfect home. But the DNA of the isha, the Torah calls the DNA of the woman kenegdoi. She wants to go against. She does not like to be told what to do. In marriage, the goal is that nobody likes to be told, especially if your spouse tells you. You know, anybody can tell me do this and do that and I may just do it. When my wife tells me, it's like almost like I It's like almost like so like so much harder. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? If If my teacher tells me or Rabbi Buton tells me or my student tells me, I won't get so offended. But why? The answer is because it's in the DNA of the woman to go against the husband, but you can use it as something to be able to create something best, something better. Is there connect with So therefore Hava Dafka wanted from that fruit cuz her DNA was Don't tell me what to do. I can't eat that. I want to eat that. And our job to fix the hate of Adam Harishon, to fix the hate of Hava is to do what? To listen to other people. Us respect others' opinions. Hear what they say. You don't always have to agree and do what they say, but listen, consider what they say, respect what they say. And when you do that, you get places. Now, in This is also beautiful lesson in terms of parenting. There is a very There's a very strong, powerful tool called reverse psychology. You tell and all Everybody knows, anybody who has children knows that if you tell your child I want you to have a shower, he doesn't want to have a shower. He doesn't want to eat. He doesn't want to get dressed. He doesn't want to go to bed. So, sometimes if you tell the child you can't have a shower, what happens? Zoom. He's in the shower. You can't eat that, he eats that. You can't go there, he goes there. Beautiful tool. So, whenever I want my child to do something and my child does not listen, so what I'll do is reverse psychology. I'll use the reverse. And I'm telling you it always works. Well, not always. At the beginning it always works and the child realizes that your work you you are using psychology against him. But at the beginning it always works. And the question in parenting is should I be using should I be using reverse psychology? And the answer is no. True in the in the short term you get what you want, but in the long term the child learns from here not to do what you say but rather disobey. So sometimes if there is a situation where it's like emergency or you're like at your wits end or you're tired and you can't do anything and you tell the child and the only way he's going to get dressed is you can't go to school, you can't get dressed and that gets him to get dressed once in a million fine. But if you use it often the child first realizes you're playing against him, you're using a game against him and two you're teaching him how to disobey. And the goal is not for your child to do what you say him for him. There's no child The goal is not for your child to do what you want but rather for the child to obey you. Now but I want to go all the way back. If you if I were to ask you audience right now if I were to ask you when you do it when you do something that you want to do or you do something that you have to do which one are you happier with? When you have to and you do or when you don't have to and you do? I don't know about you but when I do something voluntarily I feel so much better. I feel happier. So So Hazal tell me that it's I get more rewards if I do something that I'm told to do but when I do something I'm told not to do I'm happier. So what's what's happening over here? So I said over this class in a bunch of places yesterday and one of the girls told me beautiful answer. She said to me like this, "Rabbi we learn from over here that when you're told to do something and you don't want to do it your avodah is your work is to turn that I don't want to into I want to and do it happily. And when I do that not only am I working on my middos, but I'm going against my grain for God, but I'm also upgrading my going against my grain to and do it happily. That's the best That's the best thing we can do. So, we don't like being do it We We do not like doing things. But, you know what? Sometimes the person who's telling us is smarter than us, is more experienced, is older. For the sake of peace, sometimes you have to listen. And when you do, and you listen, not only do you make the other person happy, but you work on yourself, you become a better person. Thank you for watching.