Understanding My Spouse, My Kids & Myself - Rabbi Yom Tov Glaser

[Music] [Applause] [Music] so you'll notice something amazing in this week's para which is the para all about the spies and I'd like to share with you uh a couple youas here including you know a couple things about making alah I think a lot of people in here if you're understanding my English you were not bornn here and you've moved to this place and so the few things that are important to understand from this week's cedra is uh one of them that's amazing is that the spies when they came they were coming to check it out if they can and the two the two um if you can call them good spies uh and they weren't coming to see if we can they were coming to see just how it was a how Mission how are we going to pull this off it wasn't a question of are we going to be able to pull this off we weren't coming to see if we can make it here in Israel so many people make Aliah and they'll even say to me sometimes they say yeah you know we're giving Aliah a try now anyone who's made Aliah knows how that's going to end not well yeah Aliah isn't something you try you know you try ice cream flavors and stuff but uh you know with an ice cream flavor if you don't like it you can spit it out here the opposite happens it spits you out if you try to move to Israel the way you come to Israel is you come as a function of commitment it's a huic move it is a and those reconnaissance missions that people you know it's only responsible if you're moving your whole family here that you fly in and you check out B sheemish first of course and you check out uh you know your professional options pessa and stuff nothing wrong with checking that out you got to lay the groundwork it's basically it's not a big deal but you're not coming to see if you're just coming to see how and then when you move here then it's also it's just a question of how you're going to make it here it's not a question of if you're going to make it here and then when you're here what you get is satat dhaya because sataya is a function of commitment when you're committed to something there you get the desaya and I get calls all the time about the uh about work I do and for example my seminars they're not necessarily cheap unless you're of course a Manhattan businessman then you consider it the cheapest seminar you've ever been to but if you're a Yesa a you know K and it seems quite expensive I always tell the guy like let's talk about your commitment first because if you have the commitment you'll have theay commitment and sat go together when you see someone's not so committed to something they're still kind of they're like the type of people who check the pool with their foot first you know that's not me I I just jump in I check with my whole body you know I check how cold the pool is by first jumping in and then we see how cold it is the I'm just fully committed I'm in it might come from a big wave riding background I my background's in big wave writing I'm sure you meet a lot of surfers but not everyone's in big wave writing in big wave riding can you imagine you're paddling into a wave that's you know 30 feet high and you're paddling as hard as you can because it literally takes everything you've got to get the momentum together to get into a 30ft wave can you suddenly change your mind about that wave like towards you know the last second is there what happens if you suddenly decide you know what nah not interested in that wave what's going to happen you're going in you're going in whether you like it or not and it's better going in on your feet standing on the board than going in squeezing your surfboard and hugging it like you know an ironing board and getting tossed 30 feet over the falls life is like that theay comes from fully committing to something when you're in that's where you see the Divine assistance and that's just a gift for life I'd like to share with you on that subject just an insight and this is uh from the possible you that's just I think will be powerful for all of us just because I'm on the subject I want to hop it and then we'll move on the whenever you make a decision you're not committed yet it's just a decision it comes from the word decide and decide comes from the root side which means to eliminate like pesticide eliminates something so side means to eliminate and what happens is you move through all the other options when you come up with enough reasons for one option you've eliminated the rest you now make a decision so for example getting married you might have different options and the person who had the most reasons to marry you married that person it's based based on reasons decisions are based on reasons but the problem is is so many people stay in decision mode and they get stuck in decision mode which means when you're in decision mode you think you made a commitment you didn't you're still in decision mode how do you know because when new reasons come up for jumping ship and doing something else or the reasons why you decided on the first thing are gone as anyone who's my age probably realizes that the reasons you married your spouse are long gone hopefully you have new reasons but the reasons you married them in the first place are probably like history and the and so if if you're a reason-based person so then what happens is you you can easily shut down in your relationship you shut down your relationship because of you've been given reasons why to be upset I'll go into details once we get into the meat of the share when you make a decision I understand it's always going to be based on reasons for the same in the analogy of the wave catching I don't just pull into any wave if it's a 25 ft wave I make a very serious decision and I eliminate probably nine out of 10 waves are eliminated not going on those waves but when I finally see a wave hit the reef at the right angle and it's my turn because there's a bit of a pecking order in surfing and it's my turn and I've eliminated all the other waves and this wave is the one I'm choosing so then I go in fully committed no matter what I'm going for it and and sometimes the wave shifts and it hits the angle wrong all of a sudden that doesn't matter I'm going in on my feet because I have a much better chance standing on the board than squeezing it with my legs and my arms wrapped around it when we are in that decision mode as soon as you make a decision you move it to an whole other area which is called commitment that's where the SAT is you move from decision mode into commitment mode and in commitment you get the there's no more reasons it doesn't matter what your spouse said or your kids said or what anyone says it's where you can just stay strong and committed I can have a kid acting up I can have my I can have a spouse acting I can have a kid acting up and I could easily get sucked into it don't we all get sucked into every kind of interaction with family members but that's decision mode which means they've given you reasons not to be able to stand your ground and and stick you know stay in your own you know space they've given you reason to pull you out of your Zone when we move to the commitment mode so now there's no more reasons that stop me my kid can do whatever my parent my wife can do whatever my parents can do whatever you know how many of us how many of us have parents that turn you into a little boy or little girl in one second one second and doesn't matter how old you are you become like a little child in one second all they have to do is like ask you anything I it doesn't matter they have their things they ask you about and you are instantly transformed into a nine-year-old now how long do you spend on the phone with someone who makes you feel like you're nine the answer is you get off as quickly as possible and you say you always start the conversation off with uh something like uh oh gosh it's it's really bad timing and then you have to come up with some reason why it's really bad timing and and of course they catch you at the best time and it's always bad timing are we in are we in decision mode or are we in commit commment mode which one what what mode is that that's decision mode and they gave you reasons why to pull out and when we go into commitment mode it is amazing where there's no more Reasons I'm just committed to my father he can say whatever he wants I'm not a nine-year-old he can just say his say his peace I'm committed to my mother she can say whatever she needs to say my wife can say what she needs to say my kids can say what they need to say everyone can say what they need to say criticism of my classes sometimes someone comes up and and like nails me to the wall after a class and you know I could easily fall into that one too no I just listen very carefully and I ignore them just kidding the it's just being committed when you're committed you get you just you're in a nice position good place so I'd like to talk a little more about that but first I want to share with you an amazing Rashi in the par so it says say moso sends them and he asks you know what's the land like so it sounds like he's talking about the land is it good is it bad how are the cities after that he asks them about the the people he asks are these people strong people are the people strong people or are they weak people that's the people but then it goes about it wants to talk about the actual cities so it says and what's the land itself what do the cities like what do the cities like that they're dwelling in are they in camps are they in Walled fortified cities okay so you got a question about the people got a question about the cities Rashi comes and says something very deeply psychological and especially important for tonight's sheer when when he asked if the people are strong or weak Rashi says Sim he gave him a Simmon if they're out and like you know en camped along you know out on the land without major fortification what kind of people are those strong people they they on their own strength and if they're in fortified cities sorry him they're weak people amazing Insight by Rashi that from now on in your life as long as long as you see someone being chill someone's relaxed someone's being naive someone's being easy to deal with how are they feeling strong or weak feeling strong it's amazing when you're feeling strong you can be chill you can be relaxed when you see someone being strong though when you see someone being aggressive when you see someone being defensive so there's something weak going on inside and this is their move this is a person making a move right now and you get to sit and watch because this is a class what we're discussing now is understanding our spouses ourselves understanding others it's amazing right here in this week's cedra it's talking already about how to understand people just how do you understand people and based on people's behaviors they're telling you they're telling you volumes about how they're feeling the stronger you see someone being the more defensive the more aggressive or even the more offensive the weaker they're feeling most people when they see someone being aggressive like that being defensive they fall right into it and they go into decision mode which means now they have reasons to fall into those types of interactions and the thing can just that it can go out of control it becomes the relationship becomes like a volcano and the house can turn into a a malstrom of of uh of you know War whereas when you see a kid or a spouse or anyone who's getting defensive or is behaving in some way that's strong so you automatically know that person's feeling weak how am I going to interact with that person so I always come from commitment you're coming from commitment I'm committed to this relationship and I'm committed to being in my role which may be father husband or son or might be uh uh mother wife or daughter and I'm committed to that relationship I'm in I'm in and I'm in and playing my role as that part of the relationship and as soon as people start dealing with me in a way that's clearly is a sign that they're building Fortress right now they're in Fortress mode back off back off relax let it be just relax and be strong but strong on the inside means to be not strong on the outside that you yourself can be strong and you can let it let it go now I see a lot of married people in the crowd so I would like to speak about understanding our spouses what I'm going to say is going to be a little controversial I apologize um to both the women and the men this is not going to feel good for anybody um you may not like me anymore um but I I'm a rabbi okay so rabbis have a specific job have you guys ever read the description of a rabbi you ever read it it's to comfort The Afflicted and I'm pretty good at that I've had to deal with a lot of pain in people Comfort The Afflicted and to afflict the comfortable okay and that's what we're about to be doing so hope you enjoyed the first part of this year but you know I'm not I don't care if you like me who I want you to like is your spouse so I'm going to take a little fall for uh for your shom B okay this is going to be self-sacrifice when a person is feeling insecure it's like in an analogy it would be like going down a river like you fell in to like a raging River and it's heading straight towards Niagara Falls and if you're floating down a river and you're getting tossed aunder and it's heading towards a major waterfall you are looking for something solid immediately you're just looking for any tree branch hanging over the river you're looking for a rock to hold on to you're looking for anything you can find that's solid in a world of fluidity you just want something solid now it turns out that we have very strange ways of looking for something solid but I think it's important to notice the way we look for something solid and for us in our marriages to know when our spouse is looking for something solid the way it works is that that when a woman is feeling insecure which is you know natural it's going to happen no matter what men feel insecure Sometimes women feel insecure sometimes this is not something that's uh that anyone can avoid everyone's going to feel it doesn't matter how strong you are doesn't matter how confident you are there are times we all feel insecure myself included what happens is when you feels in when a woman feels insecure and she's looking for something solid what she does naturally is she tests her husband for that solidity she tests her husband to see if he's going to be that pillar in the middle of the river that she can grab onto so she doesn't get you know swept down and now obviously the smart way to do that would be to say to one's husband you know honey I'm feeling a little insecure right now uh do you mind you know giving me a little extra support yeah that would be the smart way to do it uh but women do something completely different okay something completely different what they do is something that happens in the it's more happens in the animal kingdom but it also happens in the uh in the Kingdom of humans as well and that is it's called in the animal kingdom it's called Fitness testing okay it's called Fitness testing and what they do is they they just test their man uh with a a little bit of an attack sometimes bigger attack smaller ATT depends what the man was depends how late he was but uh what they do is they go for they go for an attack and uh and what happens is the the man then is is well unfortunately most men don't understand what's going on right then they're just like what's going on why am I getting attacked so what men do when they're being attacked is is and this sorry to say this to the men but the what happens is Every Man Has a little boy inside of him little boy Precious Child in there and she that's not who she's looking for right now but that's who she's going to find okay the little boy is what she's going to get and if you notice with little boys is uh when they're being attacked is they run which in a in an adult form that would be like a Min for like you know it's like the three-hour version of Min really long Min he heads out for the the Min you know of the century and and if he's already done Min then he's always got the bathroom option okay and uh he heads off to the bathroom he let go to the bathroom you yeah of course you tell them you don't need your to bring the whole library in there with you you know but uh but he had off to the bathroom if he's got a smartphone you might as well just see him tomorrow and he's gone and so anyway that's called flight that's called flight so let's watch how this worked here um she was feeling a little insecure she goes for the attack yeah he turns into a little boy because every man has a little boy in there and he goes little boy and runs away now how's she feeling secure now it was insecure and now her her man just failed a fitness test and she's going down the river now inse more secure or less secure than before much less much less and it can be a pretty frightening feeling for a woman and uh but it gets worse because what happens is when a woman has determined that she's not there's not going to be a man present for this uh day um so what happens is it's it becomes a loss of respect woman will lack respect for her man and it goes like this it's a chain of events it goes insecurity then loss of respect and then it then it's loss of Attraction it goes in that order insecurity loss of respect and then loss of Attraction because attraction and respect go together they go together lots of respect lots of Attraction less respect uh loss of attraction just the nature of the Beast the way it goes and so the uh it's very important that we all understand this we have to understand the system the way it works God created us this way and if you think as a woman well you're you're going to be on top of this and you're never going to fitness test your husband rather you're going to go up to him and say honey I'm feeling a little insecure can you just hold me or something that you're not going to do that you're going to fitness test your husband that what you what is in your control us maybe how much you fitness test how badly you go after him to see if you know what he's got now for for the men the in this partic oh let's talk about the worst situation that was flight the other is you attack little boy gets scared and he's already D and he's gone to the bathroom now flight has no option anymore you've backed the cat against the wall and when a cat's in the corner doesn't matter how little it is what's it going to do it's going to claw and what happens then is the man will make his wife wrong about whatever it is she attacked him for which she may be wrong but it's irrelevant who's right and wrong here it just doesn't matter but what he's going to do he's going to make you wrong and if your husband studies talmud you will lose this argument you're just going to lose because they spend hours and hours doing this all day long they're so well practiced and how to make someone wrong I mean we make our kusas so wrong sometimes ridiculously when in the when deep down we know we're wrong but we've already dug in our heels so we're going to make him wrong and bring like five rias why he's wrong now he goes into fight mode so if you're if a woman was feeling insecure and now has Fitness tested her husband with a little attack and the husband now goes in the fight mode it's it's beyond bad it's like you can't peel her off off the floor with a spatula from such an experience for us men whenever this is going on whenever that's happening our job is to immediately catch it you got to catch it right away right away the second you're getting attacked you just stop take a deep breath and then take another deep breath take a third deep breath a fourth deep breath and just till she's finished speaking you don't stop breathing do not interrupt just don't say a word just do not interrupt doesn't matter what kind of crazy point she has she even starts bringing out your parents and stuff you know which means she obviously wasn't paying attention in her cge classes cuz raise your hand if they mention in your H class your colge classes do not ever mention stuff about your in-laws just me really none of you guys blessed that R Dolan it was amazing he he brought as part of my you never ever you never say the d-word and you never you never say the d word no matter how bad the fight is and you never mention your laws so anyway for us men it's to breathe and listen when she's finished speaking then your job is to reiterate what she said to show that you were listening and reiterate what she said and you're basically done you're basically done she's going to feel great and it's really going to be amazing so I I I think I'm done with this point the only issue would be discussing uh what to do with men when they're feeling insecure but women are really good at that which is thank God for our wives because our wives are actually good at that when we're feeling insecure so our wives build us up which is amazing the only problem is when you're both feeling insecure at the same time that's always rough but hopefully the timing is good and if you're feeling insecure they're feeling good if they're feeling insecure you're feeling good and uh but when men are feeling insecure there's nothing like a woman to to rebuild you and send you back out to the uh you know the front lines it happened uh that my wife fitness tested me one morning and uh just to illustrate in a story um but it was like more intense than usual and you know I was on my way out I was just going to the Mikvah and uh it was like top of the morning I was just going to the mikf like all I want to do is get in that hot water and she stops me at the door she's like honey can you sit down for a moment and I was like uhoh and I sit down and she's like she's really letting me have it really letting me have it and she was right about all of it but she's just going and going and going and I'm just like it's like Rocky you know and and I'm just and I and wait a second no no this was after to the mikah I was just going to pick up my tan yeah cuz I Liv next to no no I toy I was coming to get my tan I grabbed myin and then she stopped me on the way out so I'm yeah I remember because I was just like I know exactly when puka zimra is happening in sh so I was like I'm just like hearing like now it's bar Shar and now it's like baru and I'm still sitting there holding my tan bag just going like and and I deserved it I me it was all like within the realm of reason I didn't interrupt even when I thought it wasn't in the realm of Reason anyway but it was really intense and I finish I go home I mean I go to SCH home I go to SCH and I doin and I come back when I came back from SCH I admit I just want to put my fil in where they belong and run yeah I just so I like open the door as quietly as I could and I start like tiptoeing into the house she's standing right in the doorway and I'm just like uhoh and she's like honey would you like an orange juice I'm like orange juice she's like freshly squeeze and I'm like what and she's like how about an Spanish omelette like you're going to make me a Spanish omelette and I'm like all right and then I'm eating a Spanish omelette drinking my freshly squeez or and she's just sitting on the side of the table smiling at me I'm like this stuff works stuff works every every one of us is living inside our own movie of our life it's the movie of our life I want you to imagine that someone calls you from Hollywood head of Sony Pictures calls you and he's got your name and you're like uh yes can I help you and like hi this is Jason Blumenthal of Sony Pictures and that's the head of Sony Pictures I know because he was my best friend in high school and you know we've been we've been studying different lives of people in raat B Chimes and I don't know there's just something about you that we decided to make a movie about your life and you're like oh okay and and he's like well you want to give me your address because we'd like to FedEx you a contract I mean you're going to be fabulously wealthy you can like you can finally build those shools that you know remember B chish was waiting for you know you could you're going to be a millionaire or millionaires you know can we FedEx you the contract like before you D can you just tell me what the movie is about I never thought my life was that interesting and so what he does is he goes into the store the story of your childhood and a couple of kind of difficult moments that took place then where you're kind of wondering how do you know about that you know whether it was not getting picked for the play or not getting picked for the team or or maybe you were you know you were walking in the market and you put you put your hand up to hold some lady's hand and you looked up in the horror to see it was some other lady and you're like ah and of course your mom was like two rows over already like checking heures and you know or you were or you're waiting at that your your dad left you in SHO he just he got busy drove off and like got home and you know your mom's like where's Elmo and and he's like you know I'll be right back you know just flying back to the back to the park or back to the shore um or being you know or waiting outside your school for your mom to come pick you up and whatever happened happened but you just waited and waited all the kids got picked up and you're just like waiting there anyway so the the guy in Hollywood's telling you about this story or whatever your story was all of us have stories you know it could be your uh I had someone who was a he had two older sisters and two younger sisters in other words no allies zero allies you know nowhere to and a busy father you know that's a tough scenario anyway but whatever our story was he tells you your story you all have your own story so he tells you the story and you're like yeah then what and you're like no this is the best part is you grew up and now you're an adult and you're still playing out the same story in all your adult interactions with your spouse with your kids with all your neighbors and your friends like the same drama just keeps coming up over and over and over again you're like in this amazing reun of your childhood at which point you say on the phone like please don't send the contract you know and he's like no this is amazing everyone wants to watch this stuff I mean what is every movie made of I mean think about it every single show every movie it starts in the first five minutes you know they got the exact right music something goes wrong in every scene you know right at the beginning of the movie something goes wrong for the character first they make you fall in love with the character because they give you all the best angles with the cameras and they play the violins and you love this kid I mean you're in love with the kid on the movie they first they fall in love with the movie sorry the kid in the movie and then something goes wrong and then they play the right music and then you're crying crying and you look over the prison next to you hoping they don't realize you're crying and of course they're crying too and everyone in the theater's crying and why would you sit there for another two hours says the producer to why do you sit there for another two hours why movie houses all over the world you sit there for another two hours why you sitting there you know what's going to happen in this movie they're going to play out the same story in all their interactions all their relationships as an adult why are you going to sit there that two more hours why would you sit there or why would you show up every week to watch the sitc come every week what are you going to do that for and the answer is cuz you want to see a breakthrough you want them to break through it everyone's going to watch it because they want to see you finally break through your story to break out of your little story that's what they all want to see because everyone's living in their story and everyone's doing reruns in their adult lives based on that story we're all in a rerun in all our interactions there's both sizes big ones and little ones we've got lots of stories at my at this point in my life I've counted I've counted I mean I'm I'm I'm somewhere between 25 and 30 major stories major stories and just now I ran a seminar in Mexico I had no idea this was going to happen but I had a huge breakthrough like a giant pop like my popcorn kernel just popped with a whole new story a whole new story that I didn't even realize that I had just incredible breakthrough for me so I've counted like 25 major stories and you have to realize you're listening to someone who is bubble wrapped okay there wasn't a pedophile for like five zip codes from from my house there was never even a crime yeah you didn't have to watch your kids you didn't have to lock your doors nothing ever ever ever happened there we were bubble wrapped and I've counted from my bubble wrapped upbringing from Two Loving parents who were married to each other with tons of Love poured into us I have counted in my life about 25 major breakthrough Loops I was caught up in that were playing out in all my life this one in Mexico was a something about my professional life like how I'm interacting professionally it was a it was a huge breakthrough I cried my eyes out like all the ones that have affected my personal life my marriage my parenting we're all in these stories we're living inside stories and in that story there is no possibility it's a loop you get stuck in and it and all your interactions get very very predictable all of those interactions are so predictable you know where you're going with this they know where you're going with this everybody knows where this is going when you're in your story I want to broaden our definition of responsibility when we were raised responsibility was cleaning up your room brushing your teeth eating your all the carrots and peas on your plate when you grew up those were basic understandings of responsibility it broadened there became more responsibility as we got older and then of course as adults we're expected to take responsibility fiscally financially for ourselves for our families but if you have done all that you brushed your teeth you you take care of your body you eat your meals you're paying your bills every father in the world would say Nas Nas my child's taking responsibility but then there's further responsibilities responsibility for Tura responsibility for right and wrong responsibility for others children all of this is just the ever broadening responsibility but what I'd like to do is broaden it further ready for this responsibility for your stories what about taking responsibility for your story to the point where you can actually here's the loop of your story which is so predictable in all your interactions that you can actually step out of the loop look at yourself in your story and suddenly take responsibility for it and be in a much more powerful place which I would be calling responsibility like taking actual responsibility consciously for your stories I mean this is like this is a new c a new record in responsibility taking but wow what a difference life is what a difference your life is when you're taking responsibilities in your stories can we always do that no but we can do it most of the time just stop look around and catch yourself and also a lot of are stories You can predict them a mile away so you have chance you have time you have time I me I have my you know my everyone has their parents story so I have my father's story where I'm the nine-year-old little boy but I've got I've got to till I get to La I've got a 14-hour flight 15h hour flight it's plenty of time to make sure that my precious time with my father is storyfree I'm not going into my stories I got precious time on this Earth with my father who's aging man I don't have have time for that as they say in the America ain't nobody got time for that yeah no one's got time for that my father doesn't have time for that I don't have time for that and so I have 14 hours to prepare myself last flight was 15 hours but you want to know what happened he surprised me at borine airport once I was picking up my mom she was coming in for a baby naming for a kid he wasn't supposed to be coming he was too busy to come but it was all a trick he was actually coming the whole time and I turn around in the airport I hear my name I turn around it's my father boom 9 years old I become like a little nine-year-old my low back just goes like cuz can a 99-year-old support a big family nope so my back immediately went out while I was hugging him my low back goes out while I was hugging him I could barely get his suitcase into the my van I get toam he's like we're coming to my door he's like I want to surprise your wife too and the kids you know and I'm like all right no problem so I go into the house and my wife looks in my face and she's like what happened to you I'm like you'll see I go right to my bedroom I wasn't even going to watch I just go to my bedroom and I'm like sitting in my bedroom just going like you know my back and my I hear all in the background surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise 45 seconds later my wife comes into the bedroom she's like okay what's your story what's your story he's here for three weeks what's the story and in the in the work I do with with people which by the way a Shameless plug is going on starting Sunday in yush I've had almost every seminar I've done I've got men from B sheemish driving in or women but there's a men's seminar so please check it out it's online the Poss you.org and um it's going on next week I did one in be shemish this year and please God I'll plan another but I don't have anything till probably the winter be my first free time and I had an amazing three weeks with my father amazing he caught me by surprise but you can see your Loop coming a mile away for example ladies your husband's coming late he isn't home yet he's coming late you have time you have time to catch yourself in some kind of loop before he gets home and I'll give you most important hint of all is is uh is a Hungry Man is an angry man okay never ever bring up anything to a man until he's eaten nothing nothing let him walk into the only safe place he has on Earth which is his only which is his home let him walk in let him sit down let him eat something and then tell them whatever it is you got to tell them but first let him eat something now other people's stories obviously we want to take responsibility for our own stories but there's other people's stories as well and everyone who you're dealing with in your life is in their Loop they're in their Loop and you may be someone who causes their Loop you may be someone who who um doesn't cause the loop but you're someone who exacerbates their Loop why don't you start being someone who recognizes their Loop and thinks for a moment outside the loops and says what's the best approach right now for someone who's caught up inside this this loop we're all in our stories we all have a little kid with like a a little kid with like a gun behind our back little kid can't see him can't see her I call her Billy the Kid or Billy the Kid and and they're just pushing us around all day getting us to say things when I tell my dad it's bad timing am I 48 years old or am I nine how old nine and when I when I when my wife is is Fitness testing me and I interrupt her and make her wrong in the middle of her sentence am I 48 or am I probably four or five trying to get a word in with my older siblings when I I was 5 years old it's just the loop it's just the loop and when other people are in their Loop Loop catch yourself and you know certain people's loops and you know you're going to be seeing them that day you have time you've been given time to to plan your interaction beforehand to make sure that you're not bringing out there stuff and also that you are are a safe place for their Loop to neutralize and so they they don't have to be in their Loop when they're in your presence any questions okay a couple questions uh we'll start with this nice lady and then we'll move over there yes the question was what are children already in Loops or is it only adults so children are very much in their Loops they're they're in the really In the Heat of their Loops like they're in the the there I'll tell you something beautiful about children and listen carefully to this you can Rory children Children See adults have been so caught up in their Loop for so many years and I want to tell you something powerful about this Loop and this is back to the the work I do with with groups is you have a vibrational pattern The Whole World's vibrational if you know physics for example this isn't English this is just wave patterns hitting your eardrum which is hitting your your cerebral cortex which is translating my vibrations into English everything's vibrational this is vibrational the table vibrational everything's made of waves you yourself have your own wave patterns you have your own wave patterns even today in you wish L my skateboard hit an old lady's ankle I felt so bad this poor lady she was coming from physical therapy I was like oh please don't let it be her ankle and I'm like what was the physical therapy for she's like my shoulder and I'm like well now you got your ankle and your shoulder and I was like asking her please forgive me I asked her like 30 Times by the time we got out of the macabi building she finally was like I forgive you and and because I didn't want to let her go without getting michila so I like really pushed her hard just kidding and there's no other way than my skateboard hitting that lady's ankle I took responsibility for it but that skateboard had that lady's ankle r WR on it okay on the bottom of my skateboard said that lady's name and her ankle was right there like that that skateboard I had to choose to bring like what is a rabbi like me doing riding a skateboard anyway you know like even when I was skateboarding down the street I'm like are you out of your mind like you have skateboard to the doctor and uh and on my way back I I you know I wasn't even touching the skate with the skateboard was against the elevator wall and all of a sudden and the lady lady's like and the skateboard hits her ankle she but I promise you she Drew my skateboard from my house she already drew it she Drew my skateboard I never I mean I can count on one hand in the last 20 years that I rode my skateboard to the doctor's office or anywhere for that matter the she pulled my skateboard from my house got me to ride it to the macabi building had me put it just in the elevator on I'm sure the even the guy waxed the floors the elevator that made the skateboard perfectly slip off and land and hit her angle it was all everything's orchestrated in your life and our wave patterns are what draw everything into us we're living inside a story and the story is being validated constantly by everything that happens to us it is so predictable and we believe our story so much we believe it's absolutely true in fact we'll pay therapists in ornate amount of money especially over weeks and months and years just to hear our story just to hear our story and just to nod while we tell our story by the way I'm I'm All About therapy you therapy is's wonderful but but you know enough you know like you need to pay some mean you got to the point where you got to pay someone to hear the story no one else wants to hear it so you got to pay somebody to hear the story by the way it's wonderful to tell a therapist your story like up to three sessions but I mean after that it's like ridiculous unless someone actually has things they need therapy for but after telling your story a couple times it boils down to the personal responsibility for our stories now our stories are ground in that's why I do the work I do because the the the vibrational pattern's there you've got a vibrational pattern and everyone should know even though it's ground in and it's been for years and years and years it does not matter how old you are you can actually transform your vibrational pattern amazing you can pop out of your story I had an 86 6-year-old Ritson come to me to the Poss seminar 86-year-old Ritson which was amazing to have her she was the wife of a rosha Shiva who all leave nameless and amazing what happened in there it's just amazing and she came with her best friend also in her 80s also married to a guttle and I'm telling you that woman became 30 years younger the other one became 30 years younger we watched it happen she transformed her story she had been living her story and everyone who who lives in her life had to live that story with her cuz you know what you're like a swimming pool and the people in your life are swimming in your pool and ladies and gentlemen if you're going to throw a swimming party please check the water before everyone Dives in you know just go through there with that strainer you know and just like make sure there's nothing funky floating in your pool because everyone's going to be swimming in your pool children you can restory I've restored several of my children I do it once a year at least I restory a child they'll restory like that I remember I remember one of my daughters for example she came home crying I was like what happened she got a she got an F in organization I don't know if you guys know this girls get graded in organization it's amazing I never heard of such a thing but they get I think it's called takon I think it's called takon I'm like what is this takanome business and they're like organization like why are they grading you on organization there's people who are organized type people and they're people like me who are like Let It Flow you know how can you get a grade for your personality this is a these are factory settings here so anyway my daughter's crying about you know her organization fail and and I was like oh my gosh you're part of the club and she's like club I'm in a club I'm like yeah you're in the organizationally challenged club I'm in that club Bubby's in that club and I named a few more people in that club and she's like really I'm in a club and I'm like she was just a little girl I'm like yeah said what do we do in this club and I'm like we work really hard to stay organized and she was like ah well great that was it she's been getting like straight A's in organization ever since then she has to work harder but she's part of a club restored boom just like that another time I was teaching in New York and leaving Mo shabas and my wife says to me honey you are not leaving this house till you have a talk with schlum so I was like why what's up with schlum she's like he's fighting in school he's fighting with his sisters he's fighting with me he's making everybody miserable and I'm like you tell me this now it's Friday I'm leaving Mo shabas like when am I going to have this t with schlum and she's like I don't know but you're not leaving for New York till you have it and so we went to Mari and I walk home with schlum and we took the really long route home for our 15-minute walk it was more like the 45 minute walk home CU it took me a half hour to get it out of him cuz kids don't talk so much and by the way just a little hint for children there's a mistake psychologists make with their children that's why children of psychologists are usually crazy now people tell me that I'm great at jokes because I keep a totally straight face but I realize some of my jokes I better laugh to make sure people realize that I'm joking now that time I should laugh what I wanted to share with you is don't force things out of your kids they'll speak when they're ready it's like a flower you can't force a flower to open you got to wait till it you know opens up its petals now anyway so it took me a half hour to get it out of him and he finally I didn't force that him just took him a half hour to feel safe and finally schuma says it everybody hates me he didn't say it like that I just was waiting this whole time to do that he said everybody hates me and I look at Litt schlump and I'm like the kid's N9 years old he's he's like the most delicious bowl of honey in the world and I'm looking at a little bowl of honey schlump he's like Winnie the Pooh and I'm like I'm like what the last thing in the world I would have expected was that he says and it's true too I said what makes it true and the kid goes and mentions like five random examples where he gets beaten up picked on and everything like wherever he goes and you brought me to Asia Tor in Los Angeles those kids didn't even know me but within 10 minutes a kid was beating me up he smelled me from a mile away vibrational patterns every interaction we're having is because of our story I explained to Litt schlump about wave patterns I said listen sweetheart you're you know for him I didn't go sopis he's nine years old so I just went you are spraying like you're spraying everybody hates me you're spraying everyone hates you people have no choice but to bully you your sisters have no choice but to fight with you mommy has no choice but to fight with you your spr everyone hates me that's your that's your Loop that's your wave pattern that's your story so I don't care what happened in La at HLA and I don't care what happens at school with the bully it's you you got to own your story kid and I want to know I want you to know something that you are the most lovable delicious bull of honey in the world you're Winnie the pool and we all love you and he says not going to work and I said listen this is what you're going to do we're going to walk for 15 more minutes and all you're going to say for 15 minutes again you can restore a kid don't try this at home but I said for the next 15 minutes all you're going to do is just say I'm loved for 15 minutes I'm loved I'm lovable everyone loves me I'm loved I'm love I'm love everyone loves me I'm loved I'm love love and I just and I was just going next to I was walking next to him spray it spray it just spray it spray it spray it I kid you not at our shabas table sitting at the shabas table singing ziros I end a zmer my son of Ry got up to bring some food from the kitchen he loves to help and he uh and my daughter Adena comes and sits right in a spot and and schlum goes on my left and Adena you know doesn't usually have such a kind word for schum and Adena goes like this I kid you not she says you are the most delicious scrumptious unbelievable sweetest delicious kid in the world I'm going to eat you up and schlum is like looks at me I'm like and I go and that was the end of it that was the end of it he never had another fight at school the bullies look the other way they found someone else with a good bully me wavelength you know there's always a second best they found another guy to bully and and the kids at home other than you know normal fighting I mean kids are kids he still fights with the kids but it's nothing like before and the interaction with my wife's more or less normative amazing ever since then ever since then amazing responsibility for our story so regarding your question I'm so glad you asked that question CU it's right on our topic is you can restory your children and restory them every one of you when you go home tonight I want you to think about it when you're laying in bed just think about each of your kids think about what their stories probably are at this point and restory them right away if you've got one girl who's particularly glamorous and another girl who you know is just not I promise you there's a story there and you restore them last and shabas third meal I already spoke about how how the best of characters the best people you'll ever meet are the people who didn't have it easy in some other way they're always the best people and in the end when you're married and you're living your life cuz what happens is the girl who feels less glamorous she feels like she's not going to marry the greatest guy and the funny thing is is after marriage within a few weeks how you look becomes so irrelevant It all becomes who you are and side and it's the people who build themselves and so you can restory a kid you can't you're not going to be able to convince a kid she's as pretty as her sister but you can restory her and tell her that you got the real stuff you got the real stuff inside and just build her from there and what's better obviously the panus the insides the place to build a child you build them from within someone had a question over there about the men hit it of exp how do youtify some are very very deep you might know your father this way or your mother but there's a lot of lot of stor how do you about identifying yourself yeah amazing question um of all your deeper stories like we all have stories that the obvious ones that come up stories that came from our family our upbringing our sibling orders trauma anything that happen those stories are quite obvious that we got to work through and that and in the seminar work those are ones we generally work through but how do you get to your deeper stories so the way I do it is like this in life you want to be in the zone right we all want to be in the zone that means you're like all Pistons pumping you're feeling good everything's cruising you know you got the wind in your sales that's the way we all want our lives to be so what I do I'll just tell you what I do I monitor that feeling of being in the zone I just monitor that feeling and that's my zone and I I give it a good solid anchor like really in my zone wind in the sails cruising now what's good about really marking your zone is if you ever get out of your Zone if you fall out of your Zone it's it stands out like a th sore thumb if you're out of your Zone you'll realize it immediately because you're so anchored in you're so locked in to your Zone that anything that takes you out of the Zone boom you immediately catch it today I fell out of my zone I caught it it was amazing it was like okay out of my zone what's going on and if you fall out of your Zone I promise you you're in a loop if you fall out of the Zone someone someone you know tickled the spot someone like triggered you some situation triggered you a situation you're going to be dealing with triggered you something triggered you anytime you find yourself out of that zone but the problem is we all got to lock in the zone though to begin with so so tomorrow for example start your day in the zone say your mod day on be in your Zone mark it anchor it grab it you're in the zone now watch your day carefully anything pulling you out of the Zone it's because you your one of your Loops got triggered once you've identified that Loop Loop then there's a four-step process which I'm not going into now of owning that story you own your story and you you bust out of it and for all of us and we're not going to go into how you do it but the um the actual details of how you do it but the main thing is just recognizing the story and taking responsibility for that story that's like the big ad okay so do anyone else have a question question yes CU you your kids the question is do I feed my kids sugar and what's your opinion about people feeding their kids sugar and what it does to their body uhhuh um my so we are not big on sugar at all we do use de deura sugar in baking and we use deura sugar in our coffee um meaning I do and uh so we we're not big on sugar at all with our children uh we also at our shabas table we have grape juice Fizzies you know what grape juice Fizzies are Seltzer with grape juice uh no we don't even use the fruit drinks which are primarily sugar um we just have grape juice Fizzies um if you have a young family you can do this you know just get all the colas and the Seven ups and the all those fruit drinks you know the preot boxes and the which are a little better than the spring bottles but just get that stuff out of your off your table and get your kids into grape juice Fizzies you buy a bunch of it meaning a sixpack of soda uh I suggest by the way I suggest soda Tempo um Tempo soda actually keeps its bubbles which is very good you can open it like 10 hours later and it's still there um no other soda company I'm not going to mention names for Lush and horror purposes but no one else can handle that one and um and then just grape juice Israeli grape juice doesn't taste as good with the American uh you know tart stuff that uh Welch whatever you call that the kenam stuff no offense to kenam obviously but um the the grape juice Fizzies and it's plenty of sugar but at least it's 100% grape juice with the soda we stay away from it uh it could be that's making your kids get all whacked out the sugar stuff how would you get kids that are on so it's really hard we made the mistake we went fruit juice for a while and we backed off and our teenagers are ready to kill us our teenagers are like in full merid right now over this they're they're totally upset but um at this point we've been ignoring them in deference to their younger siblings the truth is adults aren't as big a problem so it really isn't that big a problem for our teens but it's the it's the kids we're trying to protect yes yeah you mentioned ear about fness testing you yes just and then yeah that doesn't work you haven't tried it I can tell by your ask me no I'm serious Sometimes women doesn't want just well you mean you mean after everything she said about what you should be doing if you should be doing it you should do it some of the stuff is random and some of the stuff is stuff you should be in in integrating I was saying not to integrate what they said if you need to integrate something integrate it if you have a Shila whether you need to integrate it go speak to your RV that's what we have Reba for you go speak to your R you say my wife keeps mentioning this particular thing is it something I need to be dealing with you know you go speak to them I I speak you know if my wife's mentioning something repeatedly about you know one of my behaviors so I just I go to the R I say is this is this needed Tik yeah for sure oh wa you thought I meant just listen and move on no I was saying her feelings will move on you have to integrate if it's something you need to integrate okay but uh but I I speak to I speak to my you speak your R how do you know what how do you know you've integrated it she won't mention it anymore okay last thing one question on your your semar yes sir so saying thatone goes toar be able to no it's different than uh most seminars in that it actually gets stronger over time no when you break out it actually gets stronger in fact you get to the point where it's like uh it becomes like like a molit like imagine like you found out your your molit was like ripping you off because your wife keeps sliding the credit card or something and they're like adding zeros to your bills so like finally your bank calls you and like have you ever heard of ooser odd because there's no reason you should be spending 20,000 shekels a month in your local mola and you're like huh so you obviously you go are you ever going to go back to that M ones you know on when you go ring the guy's neck but are you ever going back there again you're never going back there again so there's something amazing that happens what's your name Daniel there's something amazing happens is when you actually go into the loop it's pretty painful but we go in there when you go into your Loop deeply you go through a very intense experience you get in the pool you also start we do a whole thing it's uh it's deeply meditative it's pitch black so no one sees how much you're crying and uh what happens you bring in every everyone into your pool who's in your pool with you and it becomes it's extremely emotional you know normally I just kind of let people go into this but in Mexico City you know what I said I said forget this I'm just not going to wait I went to they didn't know what they're getting into it's in you know you're in a seminar so you don't know what's next so I went around with a box of tissue I went to every participant I had a women's seminar by day and men at night to every part I just went with a W of tissues I'm like to every participant in the room like 20 ladies all the way around at night I did it with the men and they're like what's this for and I'm like you'll see Pitch Black music starts and uh anyway but what happens is when you get in touch with your Loop but like really in there what happens is it becomes the mola you don't shoing it just becomes the Maka you don't shoing you you shoping other Loops because you haven't found them yet but that Loop you don't go there anymore you just don't go there because it costs too much you pay too dearly and the people who love you are paying too much they did not sign up for that Loop and so when you get in there deep as we will in the work you just you can't go back there now there are people can send you back I already told a story of my father bringing the leader of the program back he brought me right back there are times that you'll fall back in your Loop but as I said to to the answer before I who asked me um because you've marked the Zone like this is my zone you catch yourself out of loop real quick and you're able to get right back on your horse you may not get back on it immediately it may be at the end of the evening and you blew it at dinner but you'll get right back because you've anchored your Zone you get is that clear and that's the possible you is is anchoring that zone okay it's amazing I mean I'd really say you know you'd be like oh I'll wait till I'll do it then maybe this winter and be chish I haven't scheduled one but if I did just get it done it's amazing just get it done for your summer you know I just had a kid change his flight just now to do it next week why is he changing his flight because he his parents are sending him to tour Europe for this whole summer and he's like I want to tour Europe from those eyes I don't want to tour Europe from my Loop want to tour Europe from the from a fresh the fresh eyes of really being clear then going to tour Europe anyway ladies and gentlemen it was amazing to be here I love love love love RBS it was great to be here thank you very much it was a pleasure having you and uh may I give you a br I'm a always with I give you first of all to have tremendous and your commitment to uh being an a Isel should all be here forever and ever and may you also have a broa to have a deep understanding of of your Loop other people's Loop so that you're able to take full responsibility for how you're interacting so that you're having only positive loving and connective interactions may you be blessed say Amen may be blessed to be committed people who are not in that very vulnerable decision mode which is always given to reasons but to be in the commitment mode which brings and stability in your relationships may you always be in that commitment mode amen and may you all be blessed to to be the greatest parents the greatest spouses and may we all be blessed to see all ofam Isel here in erel healthy and um in a peaceful land with