To Will or Not to Will: Responsible Decisions for Life Here and Hereafter - Rabbi Paysach Krohn

[Music] one of the saddest incidents that we have in Shas is that story that most of you certainly know and that's the story that begins aam because of that incident that that party everybody knows the story The Host loved kamza he couldn't stand bar kamza and by mistake bar kamza came and the host wanted to throw him out and it was very very embarrassing what was going on and kazal tell us that they were there and they should have stepped up and they should have said you cannot embarrass a person like this but they didn't and the gar if you look now in B the gamar has an introduction to that story and the add introduction is so important to every single aspect of our lives and the means a person must is fortunate if he's always concerned what the future will bring Rashi says he's concerned to see what is going to be the fruits of his actions or inactions that consequences evil things should not happen if he doesn't act appropriately every person must think what are you saying what are you doing what are you not doing and that's what happened by Kam Yan was destroyed the B mdash was destroyed why because they were people who should have done things and they should have planned ahead and should have acted in certain ways and they didn't and that's what we're coming to talk about today about having foresight and insight about difficult topics no one wants to talk about death and no one wants to talk about a life-threatening illness I'll tell you an interesting story I had a friend who was a life insurance broker he was tremendous in this thing he was on the million dooll Roundtable every single year Million Dollar Round Table for those of you are not familiar it doesn't mean that he made a million dollars every year but he sold a Million doar worth of insurance every single year it was a personal friend of mine that's where I had my life insurance from and I recommended him to my brother-in-law he comes to my brother-in-law's house and my brother-in-law felt you know if I recommended him he's probably a very nice guy they sat down at the table and the first word the life insurance guy said to him suppose you die my brother-in-law was so offended he said what do you mean suppose I die suppose you die and he threw him out of the house he did not buy a nickel of insurance from him what do you mean suppose I die suppose you die it it it was so frightening to me because you know I didn't think that that's how life insurance salesman get their point across but he was on the million dooll round table but the point is because we have to talk about these topics I would like to rephrase it as Rabbi Z today we're going to talk about Healthcare today we're going to talk about guidance and we're going to talk about transition transition of resources from generation to generation now doesn't that sound nice value of Life Health Care transition of resources from generation to generation what so nice we can all talk about it and what Rabon mentioned is on his wonderful website the nask website and in there and I want to quote he says that the Tyra world's view of life is that every moment of life has infinite value that's the toyah's view of life every moment of life has infinite value however the medical world's view of life is not that it's judged by what is the quality of life if somebody can leave a product of life if somebody is not an excruciating pain they consider that quality of life so then will prolong life but of there's no quality of life that's where there's a terrible conflict between the t view of life our view of life and the medical view of life and I want to tell you something I want to tell you a very personal story what life means at the last moments of life now all of you who know me personally know that my father passed away when I was 21 my mother was the quintessential ala for 40 long years she never got over the passing of my father never there was always that element of sadness in her life no matter what SIM she missed my father terribly and those of you who know my wife know that she's a wonderful person the furthest that I ever lived from my mother was two blocks away my wife became my mother's best friend and there was nothing that my mother and I couldn't and didn't talk about this past year Mish this past year before pesak my nephew hoodi Gutman Rabbi Goodman from Lakewood he teaches in the Edison Yesa he calls me up he says Uncle PES I want to tell you a story that happened with your mother the last day of her life I said hoodie that's ridiculous I know everything about my mother he said no you don't know this I never told you this I said so why didn't you tell it to me whatever it is he said because I'll tell you the truth I didn't understand why she did what she did but I'm telling you this will change your attitude as you will see in a second it was the last day of her life which was the second day of sukus she was in Paul Kimble Hospital in Lakewood and being that hood he lives in Lakewood he volunteered to be with my mother for those days of yont she wasn't responding anymore she wasn't talking and he felt that she was totally out of it but still she was alive and so he went over to her that second morning of sukus cuz she passed away that night at the beginning of and he said to her bubby would you like to do the Mitzvah of L I have a l let's make the and we'll shake the lri together she didn't say anything he put a little of an estri on her hands he wrapped her fingers around it and he wrapped his fingers around her fingers and they and he said the BR and they shook the lul to all sides after he finished he said to her okay Bubby let me have the we said the he wasn't sure didn't look like she said the didn't look like she knew what was going on but she held on to it tight she wouldn't give it to him he said bbby we did the Mitzvah and she held on to a tight so he saw that if she wants to hold on to a tight he's going to let her hold on to it she holds on to it and as soon as she has it herself she takes it to her lips the lul and the she kisses it kisses the lul kisses the As and she gives it back to him and he said to me I never understood why she did that obviously she knew what was going on obviously she she knew that this was a because she kissed it he said for years I never told you about this cuz I didn't understand it he said this year I learned a and you must look it up in s listen to thises writes I saw the mentioned the higher people they used to kiss the Matas by the seder this is the first year in my life I ever kissed a matah me and all my children and grandchildren we all kissed Matas I can't say I kiss the mar but theka you're supposed to kiss when you walk in and walk out just like we kissing muza that's what the says you're supposed to kiss the doll minum after you finished using them I always did it I did it cuz my mother did it I never knew why she did it and listen to what the says in the name of the to show your love for theah fortunate those who serve could you imagine the last day of my mother's life she taught not only me because I heard of it from hoodi Goodman but my children and grandchildren and thousands who have heard this story when people thought she was out of it when probably doctors would say what's the point of preserving life what could you do already and look what she did this was her natural way of making a sign of love for a Mitzvah that's what nask is talking about that's what Rabbi zon was talking about the value of life does not stop till the last second and my mother she should that's what she taught our family and forever about the love of a Mitzvah so how could you take away life prematurely when life is so precious I want to give you an attitude that you will not believe on illness I have a very close friend his name is Ritz Ritz and I grew up in Q Gardens I was his P leader he became a tremendous Lakewood he was out in Los Angeles and he moved back and he was the r and he is the r in South Shore Rah about 12 years ago he had a terrible terrible stroke he was only 52 years old old his body completely shut down like a quadriplegic he couldn't move he couldn't talk nobody could understand this was such a severe stroke he's a young man he's only 52 and people gave up I remember I saw him in the hospital AR I thought that was the last time I was going to see him but somehow after weeks and doctors didn't know where this came from or what to do for him slowly but surely his mind came back his talking came back but not his walking he was not able to walk by himself he always had to use a walker and today NE is in a wheelchair but recently I had him speak at an arim convention on chabas arim is a wonderful kirov organization and he spoke shalis and he told over this story he said when he realized of course that he's going to be in a wheelchair and he can't really walk on his own so r no desler the son of RAB so r no desler from Cleveland called him and he told him I want to tell you aot that I once heard in the name of the you will never say this the same after this he said said every morning we make a Hashem we bless you because you firm you establish the steps of man the simple meaning is that Hashem gives us the capacity to walk when a person is is born Hashem determines how many steps he's going to make and once he or she finishes those steps life is over but what happens if Hashem loves this person and Hashem wants to keep this person alive you know what he does he makes it that they can't walk anymore that they're slow down they're in a wheelchair you know why so like this they can prolong life they're not going to finish their steps said Sim when he first had this stroke he was so despondent but now he realizes in the last 12 years he has seen the B of six grandchildren he has had more than 10 grandchildren and celebrated so many in the family the greatest thing that ever happened to him was that Hashem slowed him down what a perspective what a perspective I remember ABN meltz our mutual friend he was sitting shiva and he was sitting shiva for his 90-year-old mother him and his sister and then I told I don't know how we came up to talk about this and nsen started crying he said P he said I can't believe it for the last 12 years my mother's been in a wheelchair I always wondered why did a put her in the wheelchair and now I understand he gave her 12 more years of life because otherwise she would have finished her steps what an insight into illness should I show you what it means prolonging life this lady a young woman in her early 40s had a husband who was so sick that the doctors felt that they just can't make an operation because he'll die on the table so she said but you got to save my husband he said I can't do it I'm afraid he said if you get a higher authority then I will allow then I'll do the operation so her husband had learned in fim 20 years before so she decides the highest Authority Isa finstein the doctor calls her the next day he says to her did you decide which authority like which doctor you're going to go to she says I tell you the truth I decided on a higher authority but it's not a doctor it's a rabbi he says I don't believe believe it you got to be kidding a rabbi going to tell me whether I should operate he says you know can I go with you cuz I can't believe this I can't believe a rabbi's going to make such a decision she says I'm going tomorrow with my father you could come as long the next day they go to FDR Drive the doctor the young wife who's a mother of children and her father and they come in and Raa is so the doctor and he asks him all the questions about the illness and he's talking to the wife about her husband and he says you know I'm trying to remember who your husband was you told me that he lived that he learned in tlam 20 years ago by any chance do you have a picture of him of what he looked like in those days she said rashash just happens that I have a picture of what he looked like in those days he said let me see it RHA takes a look at the picture and he starts crying because he remembered the kid at first you ra is crying because this is a boy that he remembers and when AA started crying the doctor turns to the wife and he says now I understand this Rabbi can make a decision any Rabbi who could cry for a student that he had 20 years ago God's going to give him the right perspective and listen to what Raa said we should all learn from it Raa said that they should do the operation but the the husband should be mael something upon himself and that is that he should make broas out loud why so people should say amain and that others should say broas out loud so he should say a why you would think of is talking he said because is gatria 91 and the word Mal is also equal 91 every time you say A you create a Mal and these Mal will protect him and sure enough he was maal and he lived another six years that's prolonging life a doctor's ready to give up I can't do anything because you know the guy will die on the table but the teror perspective is say out loud you never know that's what is telling us that's 91 it's not a bad idea for every single one of us in this Hala conference this morning that we should Undertake and so anybody who's listening to this why not we want a prolonged life we want Mal to protect us that's what prolonging life is all about so I want to share with you a medish the med tells us asked please make a person sick before they die it used to be that somebody just sneezed you know that that that's why we say because it used to be somebody sneezed and and that's how they died now I don't know why I don't even know why I'm telling you this but because we spoke about my mother my mother when somebody Snee she used to pull my ear I still pull my ear I don't know why I I don't know and I tell you the truth I once heard I you know who's that Jame bro she writes in the science times she said that her mother also did the same thing so I don't know my mother told me I don't know where she got it from that there's a med the shama leaves Through The Years so you pull it down down so it shouldn't be able to go out cuz people died and I don't know if it's true if you find the med let me know but anyway but the point is y he said hasem please make it that people should be sick before they die why because listen what the med says if a person dies without being sick he's he's not settling his matters with his children he SI two or three days B of he's going to be able to settle he'll be able to resolve he can determine what should happen with his possessions what should happen with his finances and the again tells us I swear you said a good thing and I'm going to start with you that's why the first one that it says in the T that was sick was y it says they said to your father is sick so sickness especially when it's going to lead to death is a wonderful thing because it gives time for people to plan and that's what each one of us must plan and we must plan this before we get sick if somebody is sick and take it to a hospital especially after an accident who's going to make the decision the doctors you don't want that you want a Rob to make the decisions whether the doctor should do something or not you want your family member every parent has a child that they feel that child is responsible but if you don't write it down on one of these cards that RAB Z will give you after this what's going to happen somebody comes to the hospital and the doctor say well we're going to do whatever we think we have to do because there's nobody that's been assigned one of the most important things that's called a living will that's a will while you're still alive we're not talking only about wills after death we're talking you want somebody you want to get the best care I remember my mother telling me she said to me PES you're the only one that I want to make the decision of all the kids I trust you you're the one that should make the decisions and I want to live as long as I can and I said mom but what if I have to ask a Raa she said you go through AB Cohen she knew that that's my rebi so there's no question I wrote it down and I told all my brothers and sisters it's not a pleasant thing to talk about but if something happens it's 10 times worse if we don't have anything anybody to talk about it so that's part of something that every one of you must do today because you know something I once heard a great expression I remember I was traveling to T by train when I was a kid I saw a great advertisement to the other guy you're the other guy that's great you know what that means the other guy dies the other guy gets sick yeah but to the other guy you're the other guy you know nobody thinks I'm not getting sick I'm not dying you know I been to live to 120 but I'm going you know till 800 today's my English birthday by the way right so thank you but anyway but the point is a person doesn't think along those things but to the other guy you're the other guy so you better sign you better write down for your own benefit and the best time to do it is when you're healthy cuz you don't believe it's going to happen anyway there's a wonderful video theim organization made it Raab Zone knows them very well you have to take a look at that video they spell c ha y i IM arim video it's heartbreaking rivi schel tells that he had to beg he had to beg the doctors to save his father's life because they said he's not living a life of quality so therefore you know let him go we have different perspectives and we can make sure things happen but we have to plan Advance that's the where do you want to be buried nobody wants to talk about that you want to be buried in Earth Israel a lot of people are not buried in Earth Israel many of you know and I wish we could all go on this tour which is along the Jackie Robinson Al Shalom Highway you know right around here you have to go to Poland R of ketki is there ra is there raob Y is there second wife is therez is there to tell you what n happened a few weeks ago it's not for now but the Cave of the whole world knows about it yeah some people want to be buried in some don't and even in a young couple came to me not so young actually and they wanted to be buried in haras but they can't afford it so they called me and they said should we borrow money should I get an extra job so I can be bed in har or any place in a is okay that's a good shil but they want to be bured is but some people don't want to the they made have promise to his first wife that he's going to be buried next to her she's right behind him go to the C here you'll see in Mount Judah some people don't want to be bued NY so because they want the kids to be able to come to DAV by K but that's something you got to talk about now while you think it's never going to happen these are things that Rabbi Zone that's the whole purpose of getting together today we're all healthy we're all well and we don't believe it's going to happen to us and now that's the time to make those kind of decisions I'll tell you one of the greatest stories about burial you will not believe this story I had the great to know son he lived in Q Gardens for a while some of you remember do one of theim of Our Generation so Dove Ro took him from the nursing home and he lived by Dove if you remember we used to go visit him and then moved to Israel and he lived in matar and he opened together with my dear friend ra just passed away this past year but there was a famous person schl Lawrence who was in theet in Isel and he had already retired but he also lived in the mat area not far from there and he had a every night they used to learn I remember I come into's house in and he was learning with's wife they never had any children so when passed away he passed away on B so after he was buried said to his children he was bured in har that he wants to change his he had bought a plot in har he said I want to be next to R next to so he said but the whole family is by is in har we have plots there he said yeah but who's going to go D he had no children if people know that I was just and I'm going to be buried next to him when they D him by me they'll D him by my next to and nothing that the family could say would change his mind and he bought a plot right next to sim wasan R Sim by the way his wife was so loyal to him and she was so he was loyal to her she was loyal to him I'll never forget ra told me one of the most moving statements ever she said he she he told me that rebon wasan once said to him she said I feel so close to ra I know that we both have to die I just hope that I die first she said because I can't live one day without my that's what she said and a few weeks later she met and she said you know I changed my mind I hope that we both live forever but if we have to die I hope R Sim dies first because I'm the only one that could sit sh for him I'm the only one who could give him the you could cry from that so listen to this this was and his wife at shiv and three days after the Sha she died and they're buried next to each other in har but listen to this 17 years later Lawrence was n you know what day he was nobody goes to the you don't go so when do you go imagine the whole family of Lawrence that are going that's what he wanted he wanted that people should d by so they made it that he died nobody goes to the C then they go B everybody's ding so I last time I was in with my children I took them all to here's Rim here's um here the reiton and right there is R Lawrence just incredible but these things happen only when you plan them if you're just waiting for something to happen you think oh everybody's you know it's going to work out it doesn't happen that way way unfortunately you know we all know in the the very moving story of the had five daughters and if they would have had a brother of course the whole story wouldn't have happened but neb there was no sons and they wanted they wanted to inherit is the tells us they were they loved is and tells us he knew very well that they're supposed to get a if his only daughters they inherit this is what he didn't know listen to this when you got five daughters is the oldest considered of that she gets two shares really it should have been written according that brought out to say that because they were such so the whole part of is only because of them because they were tonus so I ask you what happens if you have one son and five daughters you know what happens Mida only the son yans is that what you want what about your daughters how many daughters are so loyal to the parents that for the last 5 years they're the only one that's taken care of and they're going to set them out of the yusha CU in the T it says that only the sun yarin many people want to get around that and there is a way to get around that the best way is to give a gift while you're alive now I know many people can't do that but that's wrong be bold give the children while they're alive I know somebody that's very close to me that many years bought an extra house for an investment and recently he sold it and divided the money among all his children and grandchildren you know why he told me said I want my kid I want to see my kids smile I have to wait till after I'm dead that they all want to you know share how much money t had like this I could see that I don't need the money I'm older you know I'm I'm managing of what we have if you have a house sell it now and you know something you don't even have to give okay what that person did he gave each kid the same but you don't have to do that if there's a child that has a certain financial crisis you could give more the other kids don't have to know about it when you do it if you write it in the whe everybody's going to see there'll be arguments you know how many arguments there are because of money the tells us it's a a the whole world says the expression but this is not what it says but anybody was 100 wants 200 there's no person that leaves this world with a desire for money that he's satisfied with May boy he wants 200 I can tell you I know families millionaires Mish mil there so much money they don't even know what to do with it and the husb not the husband the husband died but he obviously was not smart enough to write a will so now his son is arguing with the mother they both have millions but he's not satisfied what did he do that Russia he went to erel and he changed the locks on the apartment in ER his mother shouldn't be able to get in this guy could bite a whole block in herel no he's got to have every little thing the father should have written a Will based on ala based on legalities give it to a put it in escrow and there'll be no shilas but nobody wants to do that nobody wants to write about what's going to happen I know another family this is awful brothers and sisters when parents don't write out in their heirlooms the things that they have in their house that the kids might want how can I write it how can I choose they'll be so angry you know what's going to happen they'll be 10 times angrier when they don't choose so listen to this this son who claimed you know he's a yish so he took his mother's L the Candelabra his wife is not using it she's not benching LIF on her mother-in-law's right and the sisters are crying why did you take it what are you doing with it it's in a closet we would use it it's mommies how could you take it from us I'm do you Irish you're a Irish but you're a Russia because there's no reason a guy should do that but how you going to argue with him cuz the mother didn't want to write it out and that's silly it's a mistake you have to be bigger than that that's what we're talking about the value of life you want to make sure there's no arguments do it now write out and again the best thing and know of course if you want that the kids don't get equally but they get different things you could write it out and you know something you write it in such a way that it becomes a gift an hour before a person passes on that's what RAB Z RAB RAB shinefeld all theik here they can tell you how to do this that's what these Wills are that's what will is you have the op you have the options there are options out there and that's why this meeting is so important because this saves and families but you got to be bold enough you have to be able to do it step forward and write out and if you have to make a decision to give more to one you can't do it afterwards cuz then they'll be such bitter arguments everybody will know like this you can do it in advance and nobody knows two more things and then we'll end with a fabulous Story one of the things that a person all of us should do and this is what I did I'm telling it to you straight I know it's going all around the world of course I wrote a will and when you can give stalker from your money now of course you don't know what you're going to own so you could write out of this amount of money this percent should go to this Stocker this percent should go to this stalker and of course as you get older and you get involved in different sters so every three or four years you look it over you could change it why not you know where it is the lawyer has it the r has it whatever you could change it and I'll tell you what it says in while you're alive don't spend more than a fifth of your money for ster you're going to wipe out all your expenses and all your money rather and you won't have food for expenses you won't have money for food and all the things that you need you know things change so don't give more than a fifth however that's when a guy's alive if you want to give any amount that you want to give you could give can't let your children be a boss over you you love certain organizations your heart goes out to them WR it you can give any amount you want that's your you're giving stalker you don't have to give just a a fifth you can give whatever you want I'm not saying what you what you should do but it's your decision not your kids' decision and that's what a person should do and you're updated every three or four years and according to the various stuers that you should give I want to tell you another thing that I think we should start a new thing in CLA and that is I believe every parent should make a video while they're well and while they look good and make a video and I would call it the video of partying perspectives wouldn't it be great if you could listen now to your mother or to your father what they would want what they would have wanted that you should do in your life now as we get older our parents become smarter you know when we're young we think we're smarter than the parents but as we get older we realize how smart they were imagine if I could have my father and I could see him on a video what he would have wanted from me what he expected from me what he felt my potential was I give anything for that it's very hard for parents to do it so I have a son inlaw Kan Kramer from K multimedia a brilliant videographer he told me that my daughter Fey has a friend I don't want to mention the name because I didn't get their permission she was very very sick she was dying and my daughter suggested to her she said why don't you make a recording for your children and I know it's difficult but could you imagine how they will TR measure it forever it's not going to be easy to watch but one day they will watch it and they went to the town it was out of town and this woman was ready NE very sick but that day she looked great my son-in-law set up a camera and he left the video and he left the room and of course my daughter also left the room and she said what she wanted to say for 45 minutes she spoke to her par to her children and after she passed away her husband told my son-in-law he couldn't watch it for 3 months he couldn't even look at it he didn't want to look at it it was very painful which I understand but today two years later that's all they're looking at there's mommy look what she wanted from us she's like talking from shamay what a beautiful idea again it's not an easy thing to do and I haven't done it yet but now that I thought of it maybe I will a video of parting perspectives and all of us would want to know what our parents would want from us so I just want to end with this great story story it's one of the greatest stories of Life you'll ever hear I heard this from Dr David pelowitz told a story about two young people young men and young women both had been counselors in Camp Sim K Lifeline victims and now both of them were in remission and they decided that they want to get engaged they want to get married and people said to them what are you crazy how could you want to get married married you know you never know when it could come back what's the future that you know kids are going to be without both parents both of them had cancer and other people said mind your own business these couple they could do whatever they want let them live happily if they can and this fellow got up and he told this story at a certain convention where Dr pelowitz was there and he said we got engaged and he said that what happened was that he comes from Australia and two or 3 weeks before the K he went to Australia to finish up everything that he had there and he was going to come back he saw his CA before he left butan he didn't even realize that as he was getting on the plane she took a terrible terrible turn for the worst and she was rushed to the emergency room and rush to the hospital and her parents called quantis Airlines that's on the way to Australia he was already past Los Angeles on the way to Australia at the second he gets off the plane he's got to call back he's got to come right back if he wants to see her before she dies because she's on the last breaths of Life imagine the poor guy I don't know if you ever traveled to Australia it's exhausting you go to Los Angeles then from there another 13 hours to Australia he gets off the plane there's five officials waiting for him and they say to him you got to call you got to call home right away and he calls and they tell him you got to come back you can't even go to your house on a you got to get back as fast as you can and he's going crazy it's such an exhausting trip and now he's got to go back and he gets on the plane and he's going to Los Angeles then again another 6 hours back to New York and he comes into the hospital and he takes a look at his wife he doesn't recognize her she's so pale she's so frail she's dying he can't believe it what happened in less than a week and he tries to say a few words to her and he goes into the other room to DAV shakas he hadn't DAV shakas yet and he's Dominic shimra and he comes to that peric to that part and he says these words with the light of your face you gave us and he says you have so much light in your face you have that take some of that light and give it to myala you have so much light give it to Mya I wanted to live I wanted to build a family and he's crying he can't stop crying and he's saying this words over again please with the light of your face give it to my colum and he finishes Ding and he comes back into the room it doesn't recognize him it's not the same person she's alive she's got she's got a a a a Rosy face like how did this happen and then he calls up his two children and he says right by side look at these children my wife healed we're happily married and these are my children Hashem could do anything that's the and you know something that occurred to me every morning we say light is not only light in the light of a face but means to Enlighten us to give us the wisdom and that's the BR that we give to all of us here today and all of us around the world that will be listening let us be enlightened let us Hashem give us the wisdom to make the right decisions in the right time to understand that great people like Rabbi Zone great people like the nas organization are worried for the future of our families there should be no m should be Direction there should be that could advise us they are the ones that they can guide us that's the purpose of today Hashem should bench all of us that we should be that M should come we shouldn't have to do all these things but we all know to the other guy you're the other guy and we never know what could happen and we have to be prepared we thank RAB shonfeld we thank RAB Zone we thank all those that had the foresight to plan this wonderful day so that all of us should be able to live comfortably with health care and in a orderly fashion to transmit to the Future Generations our Resources with pride and with joy and Simka and that should be the modus Rend of all of us for the rest of our lives thank you for inviting me and thank you for listening