Tisha B'Av: Don't Worry, Be Happy - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] there are two themes that we should be focusing on on Tisha both the first theme is understanding is remember that the son said to us how much we are lacking how much the life we are leaving now isn't the way it's supposed to be isn't the way Hashem wants it to be and you don't have to go too far ask the person next to you look them in the eye and ask them that key critical question are you happy and I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but the vast majority of the human population are not happy and the reason that I'm happy is because they're lost and unfortunately that includes us as that much as we think we're growing and we're accomplishing seeing a sham present right here Dominic to Hashem and being ready to us I mean speaking to God the creator of the heavens and the earth do you understand which when astra means if you understood then you and I would pass out because little me conversing with God the creator of the heavens in the earth is an awe-inspiring experience but that doesn't mean it means recognizing that a Shem is here speaking to my Creator directly speaking to a sham right here but that sense is so lost we're so covered up by layers and layers of physicality and if you don't know why we need to end this exile immediately and just look at the pain it was about nine years ago I was speaking in a girls camp in the summer and a very sweet innocent young woman came over to me and asked me if it's permitted to cut on Shabbos now I'd learned so far north except the Chavez I didn't understand her question I said what do you mean she said well I'm in such intense pain that the only way I have to relieve the pain is by cutting myself and by concentrating on the pain of the cut it relieves my emotional pain am I allowed to do that on Shabbos when I heard the question I was a guest but that was many years ago folks of all the magazines the one that's most closely-guarded the one that's so careful not to let any influence from the outside world in is miss Baha I write for all the magazines I can tell you no one gives me a tough time like mishpokhe magazine last week's edition had four pages four pages written by a young woman who's celebrating a third anniversary of not self harming herself and the entire article describes a struggle and how she almost even but this is a mainstream magazine in our community we need to say it's become so prevalent so out there so regular that it becomes part of the dialogue ladies and gentlemen healthy wholesome people don't self harm a normal society doesn't have what we experience today and more than anything so the way she wants it to be look at this world beautiful gorgeous studying nature study physics you'll see a world created with such wisdom such care such fourth or for you to enjoy because a sham is amitav and if you look at an orange and an apple and you study a watermelon you see the flavors in the room is in textures and colors that I shouldn't put in the world for us to enjoy you realize that a shim is more magnanimous giving loving than anyone you and I could ever imagine but take that love and multiply ten thousand ten thousand times you don't understand and inkling of a love that I Shem has of every one of his creations you know Shem did not want the world to be as it is now what Feuer means is a fundamental question free will and the no one understand that Hashem wants us to enjoy to be happy to be in our land to feel fulfilled to be only regul to go up to schleimann experience oceans presence as no human being has and that's one theme of Tisha both sitting on the floor trying and realizing that we don't even know what we don't have we look around and we assume this is life this is as good as it gets and with a little respect to have I been to sign as great as air to stroll is it still so gulls but sheis hasn't come and you'll still see many things in aerosol that aren't supposed to be but more than it we don't feel a shame she know the whole world isn't lit up when Michele comes every Jew every Gentile every human being sees a sham palpably right there every Jew becomes a Navi we need to say we get it we cut through all this darkness we see a Shem we're in the same why we're created there's world peace but not because someone forces world peace but because every human being knows why they put on the planet ever even being Cesar Shem and everyone being only want to do it's good what's right humanity returns to a different state joy happiness serving a Shem with complete other simpler and it's not the life and we leave now and that's one theme of fish above focusing on what we don't have what's lacking but there's another theme in the second theme is what we can and what we should do about it because they'll tell us the second base of McNish was destroyed for Sinha Steinem baseless hatred and you have to understand that we haven't seen the base of McNish we don't know what we're lacking so how you faulting me for their sins when they were there how am i held accountable why am i suffering and hazael explain to us that any generation that didn't rebuild it what that means is you're equally guilty because hashem wouldn't punish a generation if you weren't involved in the same thing Shem doesn't punish children for the sins of the fathers and any generation in which mushiya hasn't come their job is to repair the damage and soon as Keenum baseless hatred is our work is our job and I believe that's the second theme of Tish above eliminating from within our midst baseless hatred sinister so let's start on that topic and let me start with an observation baseless hatred isn't never happened and never will happen I challenge you find a rational thinking person and ask him do you hate that guy I hate his guts do you have a reason absolutely not no reason what I just hate already I don't know I just hate him I spill his blood gotta hate his guts why I don't know why like I just hate him what do you mean baseless a synesthete o sinless Tina means there's no reason I don't know a sane rational person who hates anyone without a reason I'll give you a reason I hate ten reasons I'll give you very very good clear reasons why I hate that guy so what happens I mean synonym baseless hatred and let's see if we can understand Gazala sharing with us and what our job is supposed to be on tisha both but you call art suffereth us and the entire world humanity spoke one language with vari Mahfud him and had one focus this is about two three hundred years after the model in Mauritius the Torah describes the generation but listen to the description Safa Arthas one language humanity was at peace they had one common interest so far tha's because a sham created the human being speaking Hebrew by Russia Nicole dish that's how Adam was program and every generation afterwards only spoke one language sifakas Hebrew everyone spoke Hebrew with Varma fathom and the entire world had one unifying principle that doesn't have sound wonderful it sounds like the Dhara flogged and everything you ever imagine parasha explains what was the devar Mahajan's they were banded together with one principle I'm destroying kedusha in the world fighting a war against God see we're clueless we're atheists basically not you but maybe me we don't see a sham we're like spaced out but there was a time when human being saw Shem very very clearly and you either with the program or against it and it's hard to understand as it is and there were many many people who saw him and rebelled completely totally against their Creator right there to allow for free will a Shem gives each generation a different test and that was a generation of their time Nimrod was a goober Pyle he was a powerful leader of men he was also in the king and he led his people to create a new society they left in the populated area and they went to a bicker they went to a valley and began a city the purpose of the city was to create a shortish a place for Toma and the oucheth explains exactly what was going on your Shalom is the holiest city in this world in your shall I am is one area the basis of a hero in the center is the cut sheet Kadosh iam that is the holiest spot on the planet their goal was to equalize that with Timnath they were building a city and building an ear and a mcdowell a tower their goal was to put a route to Tula now don't worry about the fact that you and I don't even know what that means they did and they banded together one language one people joined together it set out on their mission and the Sunna explains that they would have succeeded they would have succeeded that you know why because as Rashi says very clearly here they had one element that no other generation before them had Alva the Reyes and when a Shem turns to the Basden Shamala that Emily Tribune I says what are we going to do about this problem he couldn't destroy them as he did the generation no and you know why because exactly where I she says they with love they acted with brotherly commonly interests they were together and therefore Shem says I can't destroy them she says to his Baisden we're going to have to undo this Shem comes down bill belichick I'm instantly and every human being in that society begins speaking different languages until then Hebrew was the one language instantly were the predecessors of German Latin and Spanish and instantly instead of one language they now spoke 70 languages and the next pussing explains because of this by your farts ooh they had to leave they couldn't live together no longer could they band together no longer could they build a city they spread up and Rashi explains why Rashi explains because they were on the worksite and the man asked for a brick but he asked for a brick in German and the fella listening then suddenly spoke Spanish and didn't understand and so instead of handing a brick he handed mortar what you gave me a mortar the guy who asked it took a hammer smashed him on the head they began fighting screaming kicking they couldn't live together from utter complete harmony and they went to such disunity that they had to spread out to the four corners of the earth Hashem disbanded them by changing the language now ladies and gentlemen I'd like to ask the obvious question here you love each other you're banded together with one mission fighting God very dedicated ok suddenly something happens I no longer understand you and you no longer understand me why can't you live together we'll have the German section building this part of the tower the French section building this the Latin speakers here why are you all of a sudden smashing each other over the head what happened and to share with you what happened I'd like to share with you a very basic concept that a lot of us aren't attuned to in psychology today there's something called theory of mind theory of mind means that I have different beliefs understandings feelings and emotions than you do but because I'm reasonably intelligent I can understand that you might have different beliefs than I do you might have different feelings about something than I do and I can anticipate what your feelings are what your beliefs are by your outside actions if you see a woman waiting for a bus she's running for the bus and the bus doesn't stop and runs all that you know she's likely frustrated it doesn't take a genius to realize it likely her emotional state is not joy and happiness like likely it's very displeasure to but that concept called theory of mind isn't so obvious and isn't available to all human beings there are certain cognitive disorders Asperger's autism spectrum where people do not have that cognition and as a matter of fact is an interesting test to tell that psychologists will give to little children to determine whether they understand theory of mind or not and listen to this test they'll take a child and I'll say to the child as follows sally has a candy here's a box and here's a house Sally put the candy under the box and then she went out of the room when sally was at a room I took the candy and I moved it from under the box and I put it under the house and then they last a child when sally comes back in the room where is sally going to look now obviously sally is going to look where she left the candy because that's what she knows and 80% of four-year-olds get that right away yet if a child is on the autism spectrum on Asperger realm invariably they don't get it of course Sally's going to look under the house because that's where you put it and because he knows it he assumes Sally knows it even though Sally wasn't in the room and even if Sally wasn't there but if I get it obviously you get it if I understand something clearly you understand something if I feel something clearly you feel something and if you think that it's just what is in disorder I'd like to share with you you and I also suffer from this very same reality let me show you what I mean there's a woman who earned her PhD Elizabeth or in a PhD in psychology at Stanford University for the following experiment she took a group after group and she gave them the following test she made tappers and listeners the tappers and job it was to tap out a tune she gave them a list about 50 calming tunes happy birthday twinkle twinkle star tunes that everyone would recognize and she had the tappers tap out that tune the listeners job was to guess from the tapping what tune it was and she tried it with group after group after group after group the tap birds would tap out the song the listeners would listen and here's what she found only 4% of the listeners ever got it right they almost always got it wrong no matter how popular the song was I mean how long known it's very difficult to discern from up just a mere beat what the song was but that was nothing usual part about the experiment the unusual part was she asked the tappers in what are the odds of the listener guessing the tuned correctly person in after person 50% me at least it's so obvious and it's so clear that at least 50% of the listeners I'm gonna get right makes me and she asked us to group after group and group at the group she found the same thing and almost no one got it right but almost every tapper assumed that the listener would get it right and you know why because when you tap out of tune you can't help but sing it in your mind and when you're singing in your mind it's so clear how could you not get it and if you watch video tapes you know the tapper tapping and listening getting wrong and attack what's wrong with you it's soami don't you hear don't how could you not get it ladies and gentlemen that is the number one ingredient in every muscle opus every fight every disagreement between human beings in any single situations in my mind it's so clear but you clearly don't get it but I don't understand that you don't get it and if you don't know don't know what I'm talking about I'll make a little bit more clear a few weeks ago my wife and I walk-in in the bank my wife tripped and fell to the floor are you okay she was okay doctor she's healthy and she got up again the car I asked again are you okay yeah Tim it's like are you okay yeah half hour later are you okay oh yeah an hour later you see you all right yeah I'm okay I must have asked her ten times if she's okay now again my wife is not fragile she's healthy well she exercise regularly why did I ask her so many times you know the answers because I'm married thirty years and explain to what I mean I vividly remember when I was 15 and joining a very elite group I was a purple belt in karate I was very into martial arts there was a brown and black belt seminar and I wasn't invited I was only a purple belt and I was a kid and everyone else were adults i whittled my way in and it was a two-hour seminar and everything went fine and well until the end of seminar there was elimination circle what's an elimination circle basically in all the martial artists linked arms one next another tonight make a big circle you know and it starts in the lowest rank in the circle he throws a round kicked to the guy next to me chest pitch him right here and the kick goes around one to the next to Nixon it's called elimination circle because basically you eliminate the weaker and the last man standing is the winner anyway I thought of myself as a pretty tough kid and it was a lot lighter and a lot lower rank than everyday I ain't falling out I mean the first kick team I took it take one round win it so people started dropping out we went from about 35 to about 25 second thing got it no problem and went around now it's about 15 people third kick I'm doing fine it gets to about seven people when the guy next to me gets knocked out he sits down and suddenly I linked arms with sensei the puppet sets him up was 35 years old he was then I believe the fifth Don fifth degree black belt six foot two weight about 210 pounds and I was 115 pounds 15 year old punk and he was a very respectful sensei and he looked at me and he said little brother are you in and I said I said sir I ain't sit now for this one he said okay I saw the flash of his foot I felt the ball of his foot dig into my solar plexus and I didn't know which part was gonna burst first but one thing I knew I was out of it and I sat down my ego a little bit bruised but I'll come back next time you're not getting me out okay that was me when I was 15 and then I got married could you imagine if the first year of my marriage my wife had tripped hey okay you okay any of you a broken bone no concussion okay let's go what what do you asking twice three times four times come on you feel a big deal I'm gonna smash I'm gonna hit they're gonna knock that weird it's a big deal you fell in a concrete what's a big deal what are you making a big fuss of but gentlemen let's understand I'm not callous I'm not cruel I'm not an evil person but in my experience falling to the ground was not a big deal and that is the greatest trapping in every human relationship where I define reality based on my experience not realizing that the other person might have a very different experience and their reality might be very different than mine and that is the first ingredient in enema focus but you need two more for it to be a real bona fide raging war second one and a couple of my house a couple of weeks ago and they were having a lot of show and biased problems a lot of serious issues in their marriage and it stemmed from the fact that the woman had done something and he could not forgive her to be honest with you what she had done was not that horrific I've heard worse it wasn't like I'm okay but he couldn't forgive her he couldn't let it go but that wasn't the usual part the incident happened 14 years ago and for 14 years he's been harboring ill will for 14 years he's been almost not talking to her harboring the scent of resentment and to the point where he really oddly disliked her I hate to say the words maybe even more but here was the problem I saw them both there but I also saw his anger his vehemence and I realized we're in trouble folks so I asked her to step outside and sometimes the shame puts interesting ideas in cube green so I said to them and so we're gonna get divorced absolutely not I cannot I cannot get divorce I've kids fail I cannot get divorced I said so what are we gonna do I don't know they say if you're not getting what we're gonna do it's gonna end what are we gonna do he looks at me I look at him and I didn't say a word and then I said to him oh wait a minute let me see a question let's say it wasn't you that's a friend of yours came to you with this exact question what would you say to him so he says well I would say no and I said to myself or it's pretty good so I said but what if he says to you that I've done it played back one of his lines well I would say to him then enough we went on for 45 minutes he said every line as well as I would have said it maybe better he had every single answer to why he should have forgiven a long ago and it wasn't that egregious an act and really he's the one who's destroying his marriage and we went on back and forth like playing his role and his playing the other role and after 45 minutes he was in a vastly different place and then I asked him okay bringing your wife please he went out and his wife came in and his wife said what did you say to him he's a changed person what did you say to him and I said the truth I said nothing because that's what I said so what's going on the guy's ruining his life of 14 years would you like to know what's going on at the very end of that conversation he said to me the eye opening line he said you know I never ever had this conversation with anyone certainly not myself I never took this position I never thought about it from this angle I never did the other side of this so let me clue you into human dynamics 101 where human beings can be brilliant insightful highly intelligent until we get angry and then we become dumb as sin as a matter of fact they now a functional MRIs and that trace the neural pathways the front part of the brain the frontal cortex that's where the seat of housing goes on that we you think should I should night judgment when a person gets angry there's a hijacking the thought process doesn't even go there it goes right to the middle the motor right to the part of the brain that the limbic system to get you excited and before you even have a chance to think you're angry but anger is not intelligent anger is not thought out anger is reactive anger is dumb and no matter how smart you are no matter how intelligent you are if you're operating through jealousy or anger hostility or ego or whatever emotion it might be you are dumb and this man was actually very very intelligent acting like a fool for 14 years destroying his marriage when all he had to do was one thing turn the brain on on but because he was thinking nothing was brain but through anger you can do it and this is a second ingredient necessary for any muscle okay any argument with a co-worker with a friend with a sibling so a little spouse number one there has to be a misunderstanding of where that coming from I have two views things one way and assume of course he views it the same does to be a fundamental lack in my alignment of my understanding of the world to his and number two it's got to cause some emotional pain if there's some pain in there there's some personal stuff in there suddenly I get hurt or angry or jealous or whatever maybe my emotions flare up and now I'm two-thirds of the way to a bona fide major fight but there's one more part that you need otherwise you'll never get there the third ingredient is a very interesting woman and my wife has a good friend who I can with utter confidence has beautiful medals this woman never has a bad word to say about anyone and she is so so favorably judges everyone and I've heard us say these words and I believe that she actually believes him she says with a full heart I love every Jew I love every Jew and she really does okay few years ago this woman was in Israel and she was on a hike long hike and when she was done she was extremely thirsty very hot she walked into a store her Hebrew is somewhat limited but she walked into the store and said to the fellow behind the counter and Charlotte another soda could I buy a soda and the man looked at her and said no like a shiny Rotella not soda it said look like a shiny rocks Elsa long lama Ainley I don't have soda she looks behind the counter and she's these bottles and bottles and bottles of bottles of soda and she realizes this guy is he's either a creep or he's making fun of a dumb American and he's just a nanny didn't you understand I'm hot I'm tired I asked him for a basic thing I'm gonna pay for it and he decides to pull this cruel joke so she says Baba got shiny Rock Selleck not soda anally I don't have I told you ready now she's livid she's furious this guy is an absolute creep and she says in her broken he but what do you mean you don't have look at that bottle a pile about Inza so there's a sprite sicko anally soda the soda means Elsa and he didn't have seltzer and when he heard her asking for a seltzer but what she was asking in his language was something that he didn't have and the third ingredient that you have to have for any fight number one you have the total misses of a miscommunication number two you have to have that emotional part of it and you have to have this third element and you see it doesn't matter how good you me dos are it doesn't matter how much you love another person and once it becomes personal you become blind and then you do what we always do when we're in the situation we demonize the other person I asked them for soda and he won't give me soda isn't it obvious that he knows exactly what I mean I said it three times four times I speak Hebrew he speaks Hebrew he knows what I need and it bothers me like anything that he's making an idiot of myself so I'm personally very upset knurl hijacking you're gone and then starts the demonizing process it's obvious he's of creepies of bumbie's of whatever fill in your own term but ladies and gentlemen that's something that we do all the time the difference of mindset becomes personal and then I demonize the person and if you're not sure that I'm right as somebody who's married not you and I folks but every other married couple does it on a regular basis and it's just part of the game and I believe that's exactly why she's sharing with us would you like to know what happened on that building site they were unified as one unit one goal to fight a sham but they spoke one language the minute a sham changed the language suddenly I asked for the brick and a guy give me mortar why'd you do that everyone knows that brick means brick and mortar means mortar I've never in my life not had somebody understand what I mean I've never my life had it ask for something and got the opposite why did you do that I know what you did it you did it to bother me so I asked a second time and again you blow it and a third time and again you blow it and finally I get it you're doing it for one reason you're a creep and I'll louse take a hammer smash them they put and live together they folks they spread them out they couldn't be together as one unit and ladies and gentlemen that sounds like it's strange if it sounds like it's funny I believe that it's absolutely as common as the cold 80% of divorce should not happen certainly an argument 80% of divorce happens because the couples are doing things that are dumb and it really falls into two camps the first camp is I don't love you anymore camp and I've seen this time after time after time the couple gets busy they have a couple of kids and there's work and his responsibilities and before you know what they stop going out to stop spending time together they start drifting and drifting 10 years later 15 years later they're sharing the same roof but nothing else they're living in two different universes and that's the first camp of people end up in that problem area that camp we're not talking about this is Tish above and that camp you go to schmooze calm you download this marriage seminar you take your wife out and once a week once a week means once a week you do what a couple does if they want to foster relationship you spend time together you build that common feeling you work together as a couple but that's not today's discussion because that's not tissue above discussion it's a very important discussion but not for today it's a second group and the ones who do love each other the ones who really do have a bond the connection and really share very good times together and then say the words we love each other but we can't live together that's today's discussion and if you'd like to understand and that's reality let me make it very clear imagine the following situation a young married fellow comes home from work one day 6:30 he as he's about to put his key into the apartment door he says himself Wow six months of marriage and not a single fight Wow six months Merritt and she's so grounded and intelligent I didn't marry one of those flighty girls ah bara Hashem life is great he and turns a key opens the door walks in and sees his wife standing on a chair looks is life look here look sit a stupid little bug in the corner huh why'd you kill it mmm and you can come down now dear okay Wow okay scene one seem to two weeks later he's at work you own the store very busy at work and a co-worker an employee actually brings in the phone boss you bet your wife she's crazy she's out of her mind she expected me to leave the store when an employee leaving it to kill us the Bokashi nuts wait listen shut her show no channel bias he gets in a car and he is fuming he is steaming smoke coming out of his ears he walks into the apartment in their shoes where are they over there I hope you're satisfied storms out close the door behind slam gets back in his car goes back to the store ladies and gentlemen who's right who's right so ladies supposed to say she's right and then I'll also say he's right would you like to know who's right who cares if it's a court of law you better know who's guilty and who's innocent if it's a business transaction somebody's right somebody's wrong but if you're instantly called a relationship with human beings if you would like to be right goodbye it's over baby take it goodbye because I'd like to share with you that both of them are a hundred percent right and both of them are a hundred percent wrong don't make me very clear now listen I have six kids Hashem and I have four daughters and two sons and for the life of me I don't understand why but the girls are afraid of bugs as a matter of fact invariably what happens is when the kids were little and there was a bug around they call one of the baby brother's to go get it just hoping that it wouldn't eat it in the process and I don't know why it is but generally speaking the girls are afraid of bugs guys aren't I wipe it into reality but here's the simple simple reality when she's up there on the chair she really really is afraid she's not faking it and she's not afraid because she's some basket case she's not afraid because she's Looney Tunes she's afraid because that's her reality her experiences shaped to reality and she is really afraid now on the other hand our young tycoon over there it has a business around and he really is correct that it's pretty irresponsible for me to close a store or leave it at employees hands that goes to kill a stupid bug but you see this is the point if you'd like to know who's right and who's wrong you're asking the wrong question if you want to ask an intelligent question is what's going on there and I want to share with you the two most important words you'll ever use in a marriage you'll ever use in any strained relationship whether it be with your parents your children your co-workers your neighbor the two most important words any knowing what they are so I usually get what how you alright that's not bad I'm sorry it's pretty good how about anyone for yes dear no not that either then I'm sorry that I'm wrong not yesteryear not I'll do it now no not even I love you not even you welcome not even thank you the two most important words that you'll ever at least think maybe don't say but at least thinking your marriage other words that's strange that's strange and it's thank to you why if I asked you which words preceded every scientific discovery most people say well before someone discovered some new chemical it's a new process the person said Eureka I have discovered it now legend has it that some guy in the bath and Athens before I discovered the law of buoyancy right he screamed out the words Eureka ran through speech about the naked who was it our committees okay good beat as a maid and whether it happened or not I'd like to share with it almost every scientific discovery is not preceded by the words Eureka I've discovered it there preceded by the words that strange a person took chemical X and chemical Y mixed expected this reaction and instead got them that's strange and then he dug in and figured out the why and almost every single scientific discovery was discovered because someone said that strange because what I expected to happen didn't happen instead this happened and they dug in if that fella was intelligent when his wife was up on the chair screaming what he would have said to himself not to her to himself were the words that strange she's a grounded intelligent young woman she never acts like some flighty bird why is she up there on the chair screaming and he would have reached a conclusion hopefully that her reality is different than hers but ladies don't make a mistake that it's all the guy's fault here she's equally guilty because she started brooding I can't believe it I don't believe it and I finally get married I finally have to worry about these things and my best friend the guy I'm supposed to really trust not only is any sense of yet so cruel oh yeah happy sounds like it's a fight the only times in our brain that tape played over I hope you're satisfied I don't know how many thousands of time to plate over in his brain and her brain but over and over and over and she quickly reached the conclusion do you know why he said those words do you know why he acted that way because he's a cold-hearted creep that's why and he doesn't care about me and he doesn't and that's good if it just stops it he doesn't love me because he usually gets a lot worse than that and ladies and gentlemen and this I believe is such an obvious step but we all blow it all the time step number one step number one to any human relationship is understanding that my viewpoint isn't necessarily his viewpoint the way I feel about things doesn't mean he feels that way number two once I get angry once I get hurt once I get emotionally involved I'm blinded I'm blinded and I don't see and because I'm blinded I don't see my brain shuts off and I could be brilliant I could be insightful but I'm gonna think like a I'm gonna think like an automaton just reacting and I could do the same stupid thing for 14 years wrecked my life and not even realize it and again the third part of this is and when I then demonize when I then say the words it just goes to show you that's who he is that's what he's about that's what's going on my friends I think there's a tremendous lesson to be learned from this for all human relations by the way in marriage is but a more intense relationship but every other relationship is exactly the same you ever noticed that we get along well with everybody but not our spouse why is that well the answer is because if someone says something I don't like I don't associate with them if someone does things in a way that's different than me I sort of step away we're very socially skilled not to actually have to deal with the ins and outs of things but some relationships don't allow for that with your parents it doesn't allow for it we did children it doesn't allow for that with your spouse it doesn't allow for that and the real work the real growth is understanding that my experience doesn't define reality and if you don't think what I'm saying is true just think back to any fight you've ever had with anybody I guarantee it starts with that understanding that this is the right way to do things now one last step and then I'm gonna close um has anyone anyone here married married only some single guys are friends okay you guys are exempt you guys are free from this no criticism to you guys at all um okay anyone who's married men or women have you ever had this sneaking little thought life will be so much better if only my spouse was whatever maybe I don't ever have that I've done this because I have fun sometimes before I give a marriage seminar my hand up cheats and I saved one of the questions I saw sneaky and so nobody notices it snuck in is and if the following two things would change my marriage would be much better and I know what the answer is going to be you know the answer is if the following two things would change my marriage would be much better if my husband would XYZ if it's a woman it's my wife of exid it's always the other one it's always if my spouse would change if my spouse would different if my husband was more on time if my wife was a better cook it's always by the way how do I know I'm right by the way first of all the study shows it but what doesn't this one they did a study of a thousand divorced couples it means the men and the women and they asked both sides did you work hard on the marriage and the answer is seventy-five percent said yes I worked very hard on the marriage but only 25 percent said their spouse worked hard I mean most people said I worked very hard on the marriage but my spouse didn't the funny part was that it was both sides of the divorce now if I worked real hard and you didn't how do you say you work real hard and I didn't and the answer is because you're the problem if you just change and ladies and gentlemen and people get married everything's wonderful and then for the next 20 years each one dreams of changing the other here's how it goes when they're going out she saw it and Wow every date is so exciting it's like electricity he's always going you're moving in it it's great then they get married and she discovers that his ATD behavior is pretty hard he loses the keys but what the baby can't remember anything so she spends the next 20 years trying to change him when they were going out he always felt so down so like a knight in shining armor she'd get nervous or worried and you coming to save the day then they get married and he discovers that every air of Shabbos is high drama and she's the queen so he spends the next 20 years trying to change her and each person spends the rest of the married life trying to change the other and guess what doesn't work but why doesn't it work you know why you know why he's a DD cuz that's why God made him he's wired that way should he work in herself yeah that's his job to work himself and he will and he could and he showed somewhat but that's the way he's wired you know why she's nervous because that's the way God creator that's our nature that's a temperament and if you stop looking at the other side of my hips and you look at yourself you'll see this lot change on your side not on the other side and suddenly life is very different but you see I see it so clearly I understand how much better life would be if you just be organized if you just be on time in my mind that tune is playing so clearly I'm a tapper and I see it so clearly and I understand it so well why don't you just get it and one thing ladies if you're not sure them right anyone ever have the feeling if you really loved me I would have to explain to why it bothers me ah roll the kodesh ended with the urban bias instruction and if he really loves you and he might really love you he doesn't have a clue but why normal like me because he's not you he's a man you're a woman but more than that even if you were the same gender he really has a different emotionality a different temperament different belief system he's a different human being and he doesn't get you and what you got to do is communicate I think this Rashi shares with us a tremendous concept they were armed I thought they were one nation suffer how they spoke one language Hashem says they're unstoppable because there's no more focus change the language ah everything changes you know why because now there's gonna be miscommunication and once is miscommunication I have all the room in the world to say you idiot something so obvious like mortar you don't understand what I'm saying I know you understand exactly what I'm saying why are you doing it I know why you're doing it to bother me that's why to bother me and you know what you're bothering me because you're a creep and a bum first it's the theory of mind I don't get your belief system and then it's it's personal I become blind and then number three I demonize your a and fill in a blank and it says Rashi it ended smashing each other's heads they couldn't live together because once it starts it doesn't end and ladies and gentlemen this is not only about marriage although marriage is a very big deal you know if as I'll say that sinneth phenom caused the destruction of a sim ignition it's our job baseless hatred doesn't mean you don't have a reason or you have a very good reason but your reason is wrong the Torah gives you very specific times when you're allowed to hate someone but I guarantee it's not because you've burnt the kögel or insulted us called you the raw whatever might be and not because he didn't bring enough money or whatever it might be I guarantee those reasons are not the Torah's reasons and it's baseless hatred not without reason over that's got lots of reasons but those reasons are in your mind you invented them you made them up and you're hating without a justified cause and I think the reason why this is such a big deal is because after you work on being a real Mensch after you work on loving another Jew and even after you work on your meat O's you still have to use great wisdom because if it's a co-worker and if it's a friend if it's a boss and he said that line and you stop brooding how could he say that after what I did to him after what I've done for him after I've gone so how could he say it that's when you have to stop yourself and you have to say to yourself wait a minute maybe maybe he is a good person for the past 20 years he's been kind good and normal maybe he has a different viewpoint maybe he views it from a different maybe he doesn't understand the word soda maybe when I said soda he understood seltzer you're not gonna catch it but shots nicely in the moment but in the brooding afterwards when you're really going over and we do it again and again can we play that scene in our mind over and over and over that's when it's time to stop that's what it's time to digest and say wait a minute that's strange here's a good kindly person who's always considerate who's always careful why would a good kindly person do that that's strange and then you start digging in and then you start understanding that maybe he's different than I maybe has a different temperament a different mindset maybe it doesn't mean to him what it means to me maybe he got smashed over the head a thousand times because he was a karate guy and maybe falling to the floor isn't a big deal to him but this work is very difficult because it's part of our essence being part of who we are we're here a lot too long folks I'm here and this Gavrilo but I think it's ten years at least maybe eleven years I've been here and each year I'm thinking it's over we're done and one thing I can tell you I don't know that society can get any worse I don't know if out there can be any worse and I don't know if the time can be any more ripe for Michelle to come and just look around at the people who are fundamentally unhappy by the way as kodesh is Erica so Liz and you heard from everybody in Tucson how wonderful it is and it is it's incredibly SARL and the Holy Land what can be better not that long ago he has matter of fact recently there was a parade that toeyvah parade if you don't know whatever means it means abomination despicable important something the Torah calls an abomination and an abomination we do this yeah well it means it's disgusting it's a porridge it's not okay if your lifestyle okay you're okay no ah toeyvah toeyvah means abhorrent disgusting now don't get me wrong if you have an issue and a problem you work on it like anybody has a prominent issue you work on it but don't go parading your lifestyle like it's okay we're all good no you're not in Tel Aviv there was a parade the to wave a parade and there were 250,000 people there in our Holy Land desecrating the land but talk to your art so some of the land spits them out it's time for Michelle it's been a last issue but Michelle redeem us we spend the next nine [Music] you [Applause]