Tips & Advice on Parenting & Marital Harmony - Rabbi Ilan Meirov

[Music] I'll share with you a quick points a quick story before we hand it over to the next speaker that I heard a while back from from motion stirs ah he's a he's a it was like he was once conversing with his rabbi promotion Schneiderman and the young man walks by the missus quota laughs rabbi get him as Osdol ah what happened he said I'm getting married next week give me a block ah so the rabbi tells him like what well how do you want how do you want so give me a brother I should have a beautiful marriage which everything should be flowing beautifully I think should be so smooth and everything this having that so their ever responded them I'm not giving you a Baha you why not look because it might but how will work this other thing is a beautiful perfect smooth marriage if you want I'll give you a Baha that you should overcome the challenges of marriage life you should have the wisdom to say the right things and do the right things that's a book I would give you I'm ever in Louisville Abu Talib's about how we all need myself included that we should have the hokhmah to know how to navigate through these different challenges and the purpose of tonight's event is to maybe open up your eyes to different ideas you never thought about the different concepts they never really cross your mind and there's a lot of shame every single one of us should get his look to improve I love the shell and bite and hopefully also give the property look for our children so once again it's a great honor for me to be here and I really hope we'll be able to inspire one way or another resolution do you make money to live or do you make or do you live to make money do you make money to live you live to make money most people here in America they live to make money you know the Jewish Way is I got to make money to live I got to cover my cost and I rank my tuition the food whatever expenses I have so so when you have a shot at dad the woman should she work should she not worked the husband wants her she doesn't want this is a very subtle question that the two have to really sit down and weigh the pros and cons I myself had a situation in my own house Lokesh and we sat down we discussed we even had some guys in this matter to figure out what is the proper approach to make sure a we have the property in a house and we can make sure able to survive financially so like why ruin Berg said I think you know there has to be some sort of basic understanding of priorities and knowing what is most important in this home what do you guys need what is not needed and and I met do this in partnership I don't forgive me I have someone the clue was a certain obligation a man has certain obligations woman adds but another day communication can lead to proper results if they sit down and discuss the pros and cons and logically and and respectfully I think they could get to some sort of conclusion where maybe she does have to work a full day maybe a little less maybe he could drop a little from his job so she could work a little bit more but any day they have to take the big picture their family into account we're making this decision and not just thinking about oh we want to have this dream house so we want to have this dream vacation every single year when it comes to respecting that just about respecting parents these things don't happen overnight I always tell people when when a father needs to demand respect from the kids that means he is unfortunately lowering himself right to get something that they think he probably doesn't deserve when their mother's demanding you know what I do for you or she starts screaming you better do this now clean up do that it's lowering herself you were to get respected the kids I want to give her so LMI what's a proper approach to get the proper respect for the parents the dogma the father should be praising the mother to the trophy no your mother does she wakes up in the morning and she does this and she cooks and she does that and she does this now the father is giving over compliments about the mother and as well the mother comes over to the kids about their father you know how great your father is how hard he works what he does to make sure you have the food on the table the toys and this and that what happens is they're gaining respect for the other parents through the other parents and it's coming in a very subtle fashion in a very beautiful fashion now when it comes from its vote Shabbat kaduche and and the other marriage that he was discussing you have to realize the father is seeing that the Shabbat table all grumpy words this where is that why this not ready come on let's go it's getting moving then the kids see Shabbat as a annoying part of the week when the father's always complaining the mothers always rushing she's always frustrated but if the parents coming to Shabbat that is huge smiles they feel all positive and there and they're making it to be an exciting thing okay everyone let's go because I think and you're gonna have candies next to you like I have I don't spoil the kids too much I've Twinkies whoever sings the best gift Twinkies something what hang that's a you know sour sticks in that very something very simple gets them excited we're all singing together and we'll all have to answer but who am i and I meant to turn in my heart and and answer to everyone you're making it is some sort of exciting atmosphere next thing you know they wanna cooperate they want to be part of it and they won't be sitting on the couch during kidoh she'll be sitting on the table during kiddos because you see there's something additional that's gonna come out of it besides just some ritual it's an exciting ritual the whole family gets together to do to do as one you know they say that not all mama boys are created equally idea what that means I say this refer for quite some time there's many reasons why a mother's attached to her son and you really have to try to analyze and see what the cause is in your relationship sometimes you can have a mother that her husband was never there for her cousin Shalom and she was basically raising the kids on her own and she was doing things on her own and they came along that one son that became her her husband quote/unquote when they came to taking care of things at home he was there changing the light bulbs and moving this around and moving that around doing the shopping so what happens is that she kind of connected to him as her go-to guy and let's have in her alive when that son gets married she forgets to let go of him except that that's one cause another cause could be maybe because that the son himself was very unstable as a youngster he was always he needed that emotional support that love from his mother he was always coming to her and he was always maybe not succeeding in certain areas in life so she always gave him that warmth and that hug and that connection continues beyond marriage as well certain cases maybe the mother the mother really is a very tough cookie and she's very demanding a very controlling could be all the above so the first thing you have to really do is is see what this force is you know that connection could be a legitimate correction that connection could be something that is real and you have to do pick off my if you got to talk to him and see what the real reason is and that just look to insult him and say oh no you marry me well you guys go live with her you know leave me alone you have to be extra sensitive because you never know what to what the cause is so that's that's number one you got it you got to dissect and see what the underlying reason is and try to maneuver your way around it properly and professionally that is a very sensitive topic unfortunately here that's a lot dealing with about three couples a day l'Italia many of the problems we have in our community is this issue of mother was being aggressive either with their daughter and was or yes sometimes with their starting loss as well how does that happen and that's something that is a very sensitive topic there you need a tremendous amount of Kakuma to be able to navigate around it with this being said unfortunately I've seen numerous times over the past 12 13 years that certain mother was more father was for that matter that's that just picking mother was that are what they are what they are and it's almost like you're talking to the wall you can't change them it is what it is and sometimes the couple the husband and wife they're experiencing this issue must support each other she has to tell his wife listen I got your back I know you're right but this is a losing battle you know and and the more I talk to her it gets worse isn't listening you know you should know that we're there once in a while whether it's for Shabbat or a holiday or a Sunday whatever it is you know we'll just swallow it up just for Shallon by purposes but you should know she's 100% wrong I'm on your side I believe in you I support you and so on and so forth this doesn't always work every single case like I said has to be dealt with accordingly sometimes because everyone gets all emotional about their mothers you may need to sit down with your rabbits in with your rabbi with the marriage therapist just to make sure you guys do the right thing because the class will show them you do the wrong thing and their mother-in-law or father Ward gets aggressive and starts interfering things could get very very tricky you know there's a famous thing that Vicky milites to say if there was the 10 commandments of marriage life thanked the marriage the marriage life what would be number one he said number one would be not to ever ever ever get your in-laws involved with issues of problems or even get them cuz it'll trigger to start an issue so you have to be very sensitive very very sensitive keep in mind that mother and father-in-law raise your child was there for them pamper them so much money doctor visits all the stress so as much as they're insulting you and they're 100 percent wrong if they're doing it the husband the wife must support each other and and find some sort of solution internally to make sure things don't go out of hand cut the Shalom maybe I'll crudely share a story I was once visiting someone in the hospital and by the waiting area they had two stacks of magazines piled up one on top of each other and it happened to be that I came across and I noticed it and I saw on on the first magazine on top it showed a picture of a certain Hollywood couple you know smiling you see there the procedures worth millions of dollars and it says a and B in love anyone that would cease would say first of all that's all I wanted my relationship look at this in Cardiff I'm so beautiful I think perfect now the very next magazine my next to it had a picture of the same exact couple still worth millions of dollars it's only two issues later one january ones that you say March and I had the car a lightning bolt separating the two of them and it says a and B split up how could he go from from being in loved one months then splitting up a short time later and I might is a famous statement in Hebrew and Laham Ahava yes lamb tava they don't have love they have desires for each other you know this country that we hear today people would see seven oh wow I really love her I want a date or you don't how could you love you don't know who she is you know we're living in a society where the definition of the love has been corrupted where marriage life has been given twisted definitions and Italian a life it's creeped into our homes as well so I think like her I wouldn't mention love is way beyond the physical obviously when he married him or her there was an attraction the game blanket machine says it has to be an attraction you have to see if you have to be interested right but what happened later one of the problems is that we we put too much emphasis on the physical and maybe at that triangle that he was discussing before their emotion on the spiritual be neglected and it bear made you start focusing more I'm looking for climbing goals in a spiritual perspective what do you want to do with your children or you want to be in a year from a pure busy religion what other emotional needs you guys have and work in those matters then you'll see that the physical sites fitting in beautifully as well yes it's true a lot of guys complain to my wife when she goes outside oh ho she goes to the cleaners she has her makeup and she has that but at home my mouth kylo sure it's so true like the rabbit matches we have to always keep ourselves as much as possible on top of the game a person has to realize a lot of stress at home but a shame people working hard this children you can always expect certain things but again the physical is not the definition of attraction it's at a hundred percent definition there's a lot of other elements that we must take into account and if you don't and you feel this problem of Attraction start working on those elements start working in the spiritual and the emotional you'll see by man how much close you get to get to each other [Music] [Applause]