The Secret to Emotional Control No One Teaches - Rabbi YY Jacobson

Welcome everybody. Thank you very much for gracing us. Welcome back and may all of you and all of us be blessed with a beautiful healthy spring and summer materially and spiritually and emotionally with abundance of blessings for you and your loved ones. May we see complete victory and complete redemption speedily in our days. Amen. Today's class is dedicated by Rabbrahim Ben Miriam and his family who graciously dedicate the class in memory of his dear parents Ben Yakov and Rifka and his mother Miriam Mari Bat Rab and Bella Nishamsur. May their souls be an everlasting source of inspiration and love and empowerment. And thank you so very much. Today's class is also dedicated by Rabbitson Esther Marowitz. That's Hindi's mother. Hindi's mother. Famous Hindi's mother in honor of Hindi's grandmother's yard site. Rabbit said Marowitz's mother's yard site which is today. >> Mrs. Much >> Mrs. Marowitz. Okay. Hindi, you agree? >> Yeah. >> Okay. I'll follow your order. So Mrs. Marowitz's mother's yard site is today. Kava Bas Reb Ezreal, whose yard site is on the fourth day of year. She was a Holocaust survivor who witnessed her parents being taken to the gas chambers as the youngest child. She couldn't bear to be separated from her mother. She ran after her and her older sister struggled to pull her back from the line of death, but saved her life and she survived. And after the war, she and her sister, the only survivors of a very very large family, immigrated to Israel. And she built a large beautiful family of uh generations and generations of uh dedicated, beautiful people full of a hashem, a so we dedicate the class and tribute of her special soul. May she be a good beta for the entire family. And may we experience the gula immediately when all of us will be reunited with our loved ones. Amen. And thank you very much. And we see from her granddaughter we could see uh right. Okay. Which yard set is this? >> 19th yard set. Okay. So how does one know? People often we seek advice. Everybody seeks advice. The says often people, we all need support. Everybody needs help. So we go for an we go for advice. Different forms of advice. But that's how life works. We need each other. We support each other. But how does one know if the advice they're getting is healthy or maybe toxic? If it's productive or sometimes destructive when people especially are in a vulnerable state, we fragile and sometimes people can take advantage or sometimes maybe even unconsciously not necessarily maliciously but sometimes unconsciously. You know, everyone can only give the advice to the extent that they work things out within themselves and how much wisdom they have within their own lives. How does one be able to make such a discernment? There's and how do we do that for others? If somebody comes to me, if somebody comes to you for advice, whether it's a grand thing or a small thing, how do we make this discernment? How do we differentiate? There's an incredible teaching of the BMP that explores this and it really captures three parts of the year that we're now in. It's like a trio. It's the only part of the Jewish calendar where you have three separate entities but really there's one flow and that is pes culminated by usually you have three yum we have pes we have we have later you have kanek and purim but here the terra clearly says that we have a holiday pes which represents the time we celebrate the exodus of egypt but right after that the second day already as we finish the first day of pes in Israel it's The second night of PES, we begin a process called the counting of the in the time of the Bikar they actually brought an actual meal offering. They harvested barley on the second night of Pesak. They harvested and by the way even if it was Shabas, Friday night, even if the second night of Pes was Shabas because if the first day was Friday and Friday night was the second day of Pes and usually harvesting on Shabas is one of the things that are prohibited and this wasn't in the B mikdash. It was in the farms. There was no farm in the B mikdash. But actually here the tells us is the second night of PES. They harvested the barley even if it was shabas parathetically fascinatingly. And they would grind it and sift it 13 times. 13 times through a sieve until the barley flour was extremely extremely pure and clean. And then part of that was offered and burnt on the misbeh. This is called a carbon. And by the way, one of the only two offerings of meal that was from barley usually everything else was wheat. The carbon is a certain measurement a volume of flour is which is the [clears throat] amount for which you as well till today that was offered and part of it was burnt and the other part was baked and eaten by the kanim on pes. Of course it was baked as matzah not as so. So it wasn't a problem. It's just called barley matzah. And the in fact their matzah was very good. It's like the Yemenites. It was Lafa. Our matzah is whatever has other other elements to it. It reminds us not only of but also of other parts. But the Yemenites still know how to make real matzah. It's a lafa. People don't realize how delicious the ky sandwich was. We force ourselves to eat that sandwich. People can't oill. It's not exactly because in hill sandwich first of all it was a lafa. Second of all there were lamb chops inside. So there was a carbon pesak and besides that there was very good barbecue sauce which they called mr and that combination between a good lafa and lamb chops and gishmaka lettuce to make it healthy and a good bitter herb was a delicious delicious lafa. So the carbon that they brought the second day of pes from barley that's also the signal to start counting and that's why we call it sphir is actually a measurement of volume of flour which they used to harvest grind and offer on the altar in the bik. Now, of course, we're left with the counting without the carbon itself. Which is why right after we count, we say a special may you restore this service in the Bish. Why do we say it right? Then I mean it's a beautiful prayer because according to many authorities, our counting is missing. I mean, according to everybody, it's missing the the main ingredient of the carbon. So that's why right after we say the and we count whatever it's so whatever it is we say we'll have also the carbon from there it goes of course for 7 weeks 49 days and the 50th day becomes a new holiday which is and actually the Torah says this is the one holiday that doesn't have a date because it depends on the counting of the 49 days and that's why the garra says that could sometimes be on the 5th of on the sixth of and on the seventh of Son because all other holidays Khan is always the 25th day of and Yamiper is always the 10th day of Tish and Pes is always the 15th day of Niss it's not going to change but could be different days in the month because it depend if you got your 49 days in and not so today we have a fixed calendar so it's predictable but in the times of earlier kesh was not predictable it depended on witnesses coming and testifying about the moon so some months could be 29 9 days. Some months could be 30 days and it wasn't predictable. So if for example the month of Nissan was 29 days and the month of year was 29 days, you didn't get in your 49 days until the sixth day of Sven. So shuis would be a day later. If both months were 30 days, you already got your 49 days. Does this make sense? Okay. So you got your shuis a day earlier. Or if one was 29 and one was 30 like we have today, then shuis is on the sixth day of s. So it's the only holiday that can actually alternate. In fact, there's one of the big fascinating of the was that if somebody crosses the international date line between PES and so let's say you travel to Australia. So you lose a day. If you're traveling on Sunday, there's no Monday, you arrive on Tuesday. Nowhere is an individual mitzvah. It's not the best. Everybody has to count on their own. So this persons can't do shv when everybody does it because they didn't count 49 days. So they would have to do shoo a day later. If you come from Australia back to New York for example so now you gain a day you have two Mondays. So your has to be a day earlier because you had your 49 days already. So your day 50 is this is a fascinating fascinating kesh. But in any case, the point here is that we see clearly that there's a trio. From Pesak, we go into the counting of the for of 49 days. And right after that, we have Schlis, which is not an independent holiday. It's rather the culmination of the count. What do these three things represent? You could say, well, it's a beautiful thing. You go out of Egypt, you start counting, we come to Mount Si. Historically, we understand the connection. The says at the end of that represents the fact that the Jewish people longed to receive the and they counted every day like when somebody's excited about something they count down the days one day two days three days four days so here too as they left mitzim they began a countdown until mat until they came to mount si and that represents the counting and then finally they come to the mountain which was the culmination and the conclusion and the completion of leaving Egypt. Hashem told the first time when I'm taking the nation out of Egypt, you're going to come to the mountain. Which means it's not just leaving exile. It's also coming and finding who you really are and embracing your identity and your mandate. Cuz sometimes people are liberated from their shackles, their physical shackles. But now comes a new struggle. And the new struggle is what do I do with my freedom? Who am I? Right? There are uh [snorts] I once said about a particular movement that they had a great leader who gave his people pes but he didn't give them in other words sometimes you can give people a sense of emancipation and freedom so they go they know what they're going away from but now what do you do with that who am I that's a whole different question and that's a very very deep question because for this you have to go very deep inside so that's historically these three stages but there's also a deeper component in these three stages of peskus which represents represent three aspects in every person's life on a daily basis and as the bump says it's every time we dav every time we learn t every time we do a mitzvah and in fact it's throughout a person's life in order to appreciate all of this and what this means and how this ties into our first question about giving advice about getting advice about the discernment let's learn a very fascinating instruction that the garra gives It's your first source in the four source sheets. That's page 15B. It's also in May. And this is what the Gmorra says. Maidiv. You have it also in English, but I I'll read it in Hebrew and translate. Maidiv. There's a very famous PK in the prophet Mali. Malaki, you may know, is the last of the Trey Oser, the last of the 12 small, shorter prophecies. In fact, he is the last Nvi of the Jewish people. The last NVI to be recorded in the Tanakh is the Nvi Malaki who lived in the beginning of the second Bikdash. There was the group of Mali. They lived in the time of Morai and Esther, the time of Purim and the building of the second Bik. And he says like which means as follows. The lips of a cayenne, the lips of a cayenne of a priest should preserve knowledge, should preserve das, they should seek to from his mouth. You know why? Because he is an angel of hashem. Says the goral's voice. If similar to an angel of hem, then you should seek from his mouth. If not then do not seek from his mouth. So the is telling us that you should seek from this and why. So he says here if your if your is like a malikashem seek to if not not but here's the question who's I never saw a malik what does it mean if my reb is like a malik hashem and can a person really can a person really be an angel? No person is an angel. We're humans. We're not angels. So this is seems like a very, you know, very high bar. And if you're really going to wait for everybody who you're going to learn from, I don't know if you'll ever come back to my class again. If you're really going to raise this guy is not an angel. Okay. Yeah. It's like the two women who were talking, right? Then one says to the other one, "Ah, my husband is an angel." Everybody sees things from their perception. So one woman says, "Ah, my husband is an angel." The other one says, "Unfortunately, mine is alive." But the bottom line is it's just a joke. Everybody sees things from their perception, right? He's an angel. Okay? And if he's not an angel, that's it. So, who's ever going to learn anything from anybody? [laughter] The Mishna says, right? There's something to learn from every person. But here, he's talking about a specific a specific type of learning. There is a very famous interpretation by uh there was a very uh one of the great sages. He was the rabbi of Frankfurt, Frankfurt Amine. name was Rev. Pinhas Horowitz Horowitz. He was a student of the mag of Misrich. He's known as the Bal Hafla. He wrote a safer called Ponafer Hamakna. He was a very great sage in the 18th century. Rais Horowitz. He was a rabbi of Frankfurt. And uh he has a book called safer on kadush and in the introduction he says a very beautiful interpretation and he says that the pik says in that sham are called mahalim and malim are called souls are called mahalim they're in constant motion because in this world you're capable of complete transformation and metamorphosis malim angels are called which means standing because they follow a particular orbit just like the sun and the moon they follow particular cycles they go much faster than we can ever go. You know, it's like on a chess game. On the chess game, the pawn can go very, very slow. But when the pawn hits the other side of the board, you remember the game, what can the pawn become? The pawn can become a queen. You take the bishop or the knight or the castle, they can move much faster. They can fly here and there and knock pieces, but when they come to the end of the board, they still remain who they are. That's the difference between souls and mal are called because even though they grow and they grow in extraordinarily powerful ways because they're not defined by physical containers but they still follow a particular predictable orbit where the soul that comes down here is called a mahalik. It could move it could transform itself. That's the capability that is unique in this world. It's a world where transformation is available. And therefore the says in the soul is called a mahalik and the malik is called an so says something very poant and he says many teachers they don't want to be malim they want to be if I taught the same material already for 10 years I could get bored of it so I want to be creative I want to do something new so the problem is I'm not sensitive necessarily to my students I'm busy more expressing myself. So he says if the is like a he's ready to stand in one place and pause and stop because he is attentive or she's attentive to the unique needs of the student then you could learn from them because there's a very big difference between a teacher who's trying to express themselves and feel good about their class and feel creative rather a teacher who's actually tuning in to the unique capacity of the students. That's one possible one interpretation that he gives. There's other interpretations. There's other interpretations as well. They say fromush of analy that he once said, what does it mean if your is like a malik? You don't know what a malik is. You don't know. And he says that's exactly what the gumar is saying. If if if he's actually challenging you to towards things that are deeper, that are more transcendent that you don't know, that's good. If I if I master everything, if I have everything, then it's very limited knowledge. It's actually a vista to to a portal to the infinite. That's what real teaching is. The BMP gives a very powerful interpretation here. What this means, you could learn from somebody who's like a malik, an angel. And it's all in the word malik. All in the world word angel. To understand his interpretation, we go to what's considered the most mystical certainly one of the most mystical visions in the whole of Tanakh known as the Hanovi. The prophet Ezekiel was there during the destruction of the first basikt. He left for Israel and he moved to Babylonia and he prophesized al- Nahar and the river of Babylonia. And in the first chapter of he sees this grand mystical vision which has become the basis of much of Kabala. It's very very hard to understand because it's written in code language. It's also the ha of the first day of because during matra hashem descended on the mountain with his marova with his chariot and over there there's some mystical creature called kashmal in modern Hebrew kashmal means electricity but the word kashmal comes from the from the and this is before anybody knew about electricity they use that word to use it as a name for present electricity because actually today also nobody ever saw electricity We just know the symptoms of electricity. Electricity, you can't really see electrons with your naked eye. But the bottom line is that this wordash appears first in the first chapter of and if you could look how he describes it in the first chapter of verse four a very powerful wind a tempest a stormy wind was coming from the north A HUGE CLOUD A FLAMING fire a brightness around it means brightness and from the midst of this stormy wind, this powerful large cloud, this blazing flaming fire and a light around it. From amidst it, I see something that looks like that emerges from the fire. See something called what's again? Today we call it electricity, but this is many, many years before Thomas Edison. Many years before anybody even knew what the word electricity means. Electricity was always there but we had no relationship to it. So the Gmorra asked this question myash. What in the world is it's a combination of three words. What isashmal? What is electrum? Rhuda says it refers to literally are animals or living beings. a of fire means they speak. So is and isal holy fiery living beings that speak the taught usal sometimes they are silent and sometimes they speak is a unique combination in Hebrew means like in cohelis ace what does that mean there's a time to Quiet means is to be silent. So that's what's mull is like the word mil is a word right is to speak. Mal is one of the words used for conversation. So is silence [snorts] and speaking verbiage. So which one is it? So he says sometimes you're silent and sometimes you speak. Malash is silence and mal is speaking the word milah which is means a word or milim are words comes from that word because a word is something you utter. So this is a very interesting interpretation. We have these some living beings of fire who are sometimes quiet and sometimes they speak. So this is theash that sees from amidst the fire. The bal comes and says that this word kashmal that he sees coming out from a stormy wind a big cloud a blazing fire and he sees kashmal actually contains within it a very deep secret in life let's see what is the secret so you look in your next source this comes from Ben py one of the students of the was these cats of pulno pul in Ukraine He wrote a called Ben Pyrus Ysef his name was Ysef Yak of Ysef. He wrote a lot of told us Yak of Ysef Ben Pyrus Ysef and others and this is one of them and in he quotes his teacher the Balmp. It's also in Shmp Kibi. Now there's going to be some some difficult some concepts here that are new and novel. We're going to read it because I want you should see the actual text and then I'll try to explain the way I understood it at least to some degree with God's grace. I received from my teacher the secret of three things. Those are the three words we're going to be focusing on. that one requires whenever they immerse themselves in learning or prayer. There's something called that is the first thing is you have to be quiet. After that is mull. Now the word maul has another interpretation besides speaking. What else does mull mean? cut milah, right? A brisa. Why is it called a brisma? Bris is a covenant. Mila is to cut. Like we just said in throughout the pes, you remember I will cut them down because we cut the foreskin. That's why it's called mil. That's why it's in parl this piece of pamper. That's where we have the mitzvah of mil. So is silent m is speaking but also m means to cut. So the says you have three stages silence, cutting and speaking. Silence, cutting and speaking. First thing is quiet silence. Then you go to mole which is cutting off the shell the husk and now open your mouth. Now you could speak to sweeten the judgments in their source. This is the secret of davening that my teacher explained in the name of his rebash. Therefore, the person ought to separate from their thought alien thoughts. So they could separate from the shells. So the word maul has two different interpretations. One is speaking and one is cutting and one flows from the other. After silence you cut and then you could speak the and that's the second two parts and so he gave us three words here and literally the meaning of these words is means subservience means separation or disentanglement. You disentangle, you separate. That'sdah. You remove the inshment. And means sweetening. Like is to sweeten sweet water. M. You're sweet. That's m. So is to sweet. So you have subservience, disentanglement, and sweetening. Three things. And that is mal mal silence cutting. Silence is the subservience. Mal cutting is the disentanglement. When you cut, you separate. And then you can speak which is engaging and elevating and sweetening. Now let's continue. If your teacher is like a what does it mean? name. The word Malik is me al [snorts] says it's exactly the same letters like another word in Hebrew. You know what an elim is exactly the same letters like the word. So he says you could also read it this way. If means if to somebody who is somebody who's like mute. Now that's a very strange comment because the reason you're learning from him is because he actually has what to say probably hopefully. So it's like the the feature of his that he's actually he's like a mute really and then you could learn from him. Yeah, that's what he says. So it means an angel of course but there's a here there's a hint here because words that have the same letters even when they're configurated differently it's called a different su are always connected to each other that's how the Hebrew language is constructed it's called a different su it's the same letters like a different combination you have the 12 months of the year every month is connected another aspect of y v but it's a different configuration because you can have yud and hey and v and hey you can have hey and v and yud and hey And each month is a different configuration with a different p that spells out in that configuration. Right? We once spoke we have the migill from all the words that's so that's in the order but then you have others would be another example. You have many different. So you have here the wordal four letters exactly the same like four letters. So says if you want this teacher you need to see the what's the he knows how to be quiet like a mute. Then he can come and cut this. He is so cautious of ulterior motives. A pnea is when I have a bias. I'm teaching you but I have a bias in what I'm saying. I have an agenda and it's external. External means it's an outside agenda not connected to what the student needs. this person, you could seek from their mouth because then it can go into their heart and actually start blossoming. It can create children. It can multiply. It can grow inside the heart of the student of the one who is receiving. This is the first instruction that the creator gives the first Jew in history. What's the first thing Hashem tells of I want you to go away from where? three places your land your birthplace your father's home as the say the many others it seems very redundant you could just say I want you to leave your father's home yeah if you're leaving your father's home maybe you want to say leave your country if you leave your country you probably left your birthplace and you left your father's home you don't have to tell somebody I want you to leave the United States of America I also want you to leave my also want you to leave Wesley Hills and that particular address 81 viola. What is this? 81 84 viola. If you're leaving the United States of America, you already left 84 viola. It's just the way it is. So as the is actually talking about three different things you need to be able to remove yourself from three things. There's there'sdi which my teacher explained. So the first thing Hashem was telling the first Jew is learn about these three things because you're going to have to deal with and then what's the next step to the land which I will show you and that begins the journey of the first Jew of Ramavino. What does this mean? So here is a classic example of a teaching of the BMP. one can right away feel that there is something very profound he's saying here but it's brief it's concise so we need to be able to decipher it and decode it so that's what we're going to try to do now I ask Hashem to allow me to be a channel for this wisdom that the divine wisdom that the was revealing and I want to thank Ginsburg who I saw wrote about this and I read some of the things that somebody sent me so I'm appreciative of that very It all begins in the story of the beginning of creation. If we look at the story of the beginning of creation, the starts off everything. In the beginning, Hashem created heaven and earth. But what happens right after that? The earth was engulfed in darkness. There was a spirit of Hashem hovering over the water. And what happens right after that is Hashem says let there be light amidst this darkness. Let there be light. But now comes the step next step. And now Hashem differentiates between light and darkness. Say in the beginning there was no differentiation. Light and darkness. They were all mixed up. So Hashem says let's separate. Now the question is how can light and darkness be mixed up? How can that be? I understand how a chalant works. You put in beans, you put in potatoes. If you're a good spider, you put in eggs, and whatever else, you put in healthy stuff. Got it? What does it mean? Light and darkness are mixed. If it's light, it's not dark. If it's dark, it's not light. If you put on a light in a room, it's not dark anymore. Light vanishes that the light expels the darkness. But Hashem says, "We have to separate them." And he separates them. And he sees that the light is good. And he calls light day and darkness. He calls night. There was night, there was evening, there was morning. And that creates the first day. When Hashem is now speaking to the first Jew, he says, and then you can go. So there are three stages here of the first step is subservience. Again, this separation and sweetening. It's also connected perhaps I once shared with you something I heard from my friend Rabb David Guru in the name of Rabbi Label Lamb that it's all in The word if you remember I think we did it last summer the word that word schma means listening is to listen but if you notice schma has three letters so actually is saying something you remember you want to practice it okay I'll do it very good very good what is listening what does it mean to listen there's three stages and it's all in schma the first thing is Sh. That's not so easy because I right away have what to say. No, no, I got it. It's not just to others. The biggest sh is here after which can take a couple of decades. Uh hope hopefully not hopefully not. Once you get the hang of it, it could take a few seconds or a few minutes or a few hours. After sh you have sh and then you have and then you have ah so that'sma ah each one is a separate avoid but together that is truly the art of listening and really the art of connection. The first stage is silence sh. Then there could be the second process called which is and then there is the ah ahma as he said here that the bmp said that this applies in his words that this applies literally Util it exists in all of learning and in all of Davening which really means that it's something that accompanies a person throughout their life and that it would make sense that Hashem gives this instruction to the first Jew because these three stages constantly are required in our world whenever you're dealing with something internally that may be challenging or difficult. or disturbing or bothersome or stressful or causing anxiety of any form. One of our greatest traps in life is to right away come to conclusions that have served us in our minds well in the past. meaning as follows. I don't want to get super scientific and psychological here but very very briefly our nervous system was designed by the shal by the creator of the world to focus on one agenda which is survival it needs to keep you alive as much as possible it will do an amazing job an incredible job in Tanya this is called that's actually from it's called the nephesh abahamus the animal conscious which every single animal has and it has one agenda and that is stay alive, survive and do what you have to do in order to survive. For that it needs to figure out two things. It needs to figure out what is dangerous for survival and it needs to figure out what is beneficial for survival. And both are equally important because I can do all the right things that will contribute to my survival. But if I did not protect myself from the predators, it's not going to work. If you go to a if if anybody ever went to a safari or a jungle or Kr Krueger's National Park in South Africa or you watch documentaries, you know that sometimes you have these innocent gazels or antelopes that are thirsty. So they go to the water and they're innocently drinking the water and they don't realize that there's a lioness waiting behind the tree for her prey. And that's the day that the gazelle learns very very fast that you can't just focus on what you need to survive. You also need to focus on what you need to stay away from in order to survive. And that's why you may have to remain thirsty for a day or two days. And if you're a camel, you can do it for a few weeks because you can always go to the water because going to the water may be a very nice drink and a beautiful, beautiful, refreshing experience, but at the expense of what? At the expense of becoming food for the predator. This nephew Bahamas doesn't only exist in gazels and elephants and even ants and insects and mammals and fish and birds all embedded with an incredible incredible keen insight of what they need for survival. And if you like animals, I'm sure some of you do, or you like birds and you study them a little bit, you could see how fascinatingly brilliant their genetic makeup is. the wisdom that every living organism has to be able to do exactly what it needs in order to protect itself, to survive, to protect its progeny, which is going to be the future. And it's really, really powerful. It's really incredible. It's like a brilliant, brilliant wisdom. It's all focused on this reality. This is true, of course, also in the human being. When does this process begin? The moment we begin forming already in the womb of our mothers, we detect everything right at that moment. Nobody is yet diagnosed as ADHD in the womb. Maybe today already, yes, I don't know. But at least when I was in the womb, I don't think they had that diagnosis yet on every single baby. So actually then nobody told you that you're not brilliant and capable of learning a lot. A few years later, they're going to ruin it. But there nobody yet said anything. SO YOU PICK UP EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING 24/7. You absorb everything and you're so sensitive. You absorb every little detail. And the nervous system as it develops begins detecting danger, good, productive, destructive. I will survive. I won't survive. This is comfortable. This is uncomfortable. This may be comfortable, but it could cost me my identity. It could cost me my life. So, we don't go there. in the world is >> of course where do you think you got it today from nowhere? You think it just start You think it starts at age 16. You think it starts at age 16. Yeah. But it's not verbal. It's preverbal. It's much it's preverbal. That's why you can't argue through words. Words will never be able to convince it otherwise because this is preverbal. >> Subconscious or something like that. >> Both. Yeah. That could be a foreshore in the subconscious and a few little things come out of the conscious. How does it decide what remains subconscious and what comes out of THE CONSCIOUS? THAT ITSELF is a survival method. What it knows you can handle and you're fine with and won't endanger you, it's going to let you know. But things that may disturb the equilibrium and again cause me something that will contribute less to my survival, it will hide from me. This awareness is so important because my entire life I could be living based on this template of the Nepha Bahamas and not knowing any other part of myself. So all of my instincts and cravings were built and designed based on detecting danger versus the lack of danger in my own mind. Could be real danger, could be perceived danger. Danger doesn't only mean physical danger. the lionist attacking the antelope and literally killing it. But danger could mean so many other things. If I feel that something is going to exclude me from the group, from the family, from the community, from the school, in other words, I'm going to be seen as unnecessary, as superfluous, as a problem. That's danger for a child. That's danger for a fetus. That's danger for everybody. So I will make sure to develop all the emotions and instincts that will keep everybody liking me. That's very very important and sometimes my entire life is built on this. So we need to understand that the nervous system this is its focus. The nephaham is the nervous system which is translated the nervous system. The nervous system is the bridge between the mind and the body. So nephesheri this is the soul that animates our physical existence. It doesn't naturally think in terms of morality. It doesn't think if it's right or if it's wrong. It thinks more in terms of what is going to contribute or take away from my survival. Now, sometimes morality becomes another thing it uses for survival. In other words, if me feeling good about myself is probably going to make me more popular and going to make me more popular with myself, that's very good for survival. And if in this place they like this moral standard, I may become very very moral because this becomes a major part of survival. So here is where I'm using morality, God, religion for survival. Now this becomes obviously very nuanced and complex. As a person develops and grows up, we are constantly responding to this. constantly when somebody says something to me that triggers that fear that I may even had as a I may have had as a fetus or as a one-year-old as a 2-year-old. The response is immediate. If I can sit with that in silence without opinions, without judgments, I may be able to start seeing the patterns. However, a major part of our survival is I don't want to sit in silence cuz that's dangerous. I right away have formed a response to any of this because this response is what kept me safe in my own presence. So the responses I have formed are immediate. THEY'RE EX RIGHT RIGHT WHEN YOU HEAR SOMETHING JUST LIKE our body responds or something dangerous and you run. if you're going to sit and say silence. If a tiger comes flying into this room and everybody starts screaming and running and looking for the door and I'm like, "Women, let's breathe. Let's meditate. Close your eyes. Fill your seat. Be comfortable. Go into yourself. Let go of all your issues. Let's breathe. Okay? We'll do vu. We'll open the vagus nerve, etc." You look at me said, "Rabbi Wa, you could breathe. You can meditate. You can make yourself comfortable. you could take any of the chairs. We're out of here. And actually, that would be pretty sane and normal because there's moments that call for silence and there's moments that call for hollering and screaming and escaping. When you're in a dangerous zone, it's not a time for silence. Now, we have to understand that that tiger doesn't necessarily look like a physical tiger. My wife, my husband could say something to me. My child could say something to me. Anybody could say something to me. situation comes up and it's triggering something in my nervous system which tells me you need to respond this way or that way and it's not even in words in order to be able to stay safe. That includes anger, that includes judgment, that includes jealousy, that includes negativity, that includes anxiety, that includes stress, that includes whatever it may be. But this is an immediate immediate response. And the response comes with a story behind it to justify it. Because the brilliance of the nervous system is that everything actually makes sense in its own internal makeup for you to survive. And the the fact is in the pudding, you're here. You're here to tell the story. But then I always remain stuck in that template. So the first step is subservience. What does that look like? It means can you remain silent without the need to control, to interpret, to impose, to mix in, to define it. Can I actually surrender to the fact is really surrender that this is the truth. This is what's happening right now in my system. You may have at over Pesak a feeling that suddenly came into you that was not something you were proud of. Maybe about somebody even very close in your family. Okay, some of you may relate to this. Yeah, I have a video. I have a video from the house. They sent me the videos. I have a video. Yeah. And a bug in case the video didn't work. I also have a bug in the house to record it. And Google helped me. Trust me, we're all in the same boat. Trust me. Okay. No superiority complex there. Yeah. What's the first thing so many of us do? We start arguing with ourselves. NAH, COME ON. I'M SUCH AN AMAZING. NO, FOR SURE NOT. First of all, I convince myself that I'm not feeling it. Then I see that I am feeling it. So then I convince myself I'm not allowed to feel it. And if I'm not allowed to, THEN I SAY, "GOD doesn't want me to feel it." SO NOW FOR SURE I don't feel it anymore. BUT THEN I STILL FEEL it and I'm going on in this loop and loop and loop and loop and I'm stuck. The first thing is can I surrender to the fact that this is what I feel. This is exactly what I feel. This is exactly what's going on. I am a wreck. I am a mess. I am overwhelmed. WOW. NO, I'M [screaming] NOT OVERWHELMED. AND MY GRANDMOTHER, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DEALT WITH? MY GRANDMOTHER. YOU KNOW WHAT PES USED TO LOOK LIKE IN THE AL TIME? YOU KNOW WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. It was worse than Mry. Just joking. [laughter] So now I'm guilting myself and I stopped for 10 seconds to sit on a couch and drink an iced coffee. Like really garnish Satan? There's nothing you have to do in your life but sit on a couch. All all of all of these messages are here to avoid what my nervous system is detecting as something that's very very not good to experience, very not good to feel. I can right away judge myself and I can right away judge others, but the bash says don't do that because then you're going to stay stuck there forever and you're not even going to know about it. The first thing is, can I surrender to the fact that right now I feel like a mess? [laughter] I may be a wreck. Those emotions are really, really overwhelming. And you know what? One of the hardest things for us to do is this because we think that means I'm an evil person. I'm a ghost. I'm a devil. I'm a monster. But you're not. It just means that my animal consciousness has developed very skillfully to survive in many different situations and to respond in ways that it feels it needs for me to be protected and that could sometimes be very very aggressive. It can sometimes be very very intense. Okay. Can I surrender to that and realize this is exactly what Hashem wants at this moment? How do I know? because this is the moment. This is it. I can argue. I could deny. I could go into this loop and figure it out and intellectually be brilliant. But that's all part of the part of the loop. Hakna is actually surrender. And this is always with silence. And you'll see it's not easy because this emotion is coming up and say, "Scream at them. Scream, scream at yourself." And it just watch it. I'm like, "Wow." Because only when I'm sh can I actually listen. If I'm talking back, I can't listen. Sometimes we have conversations, we're not really listening. We're just waiting for you to finish. I'm waiting for you to finish. I could prove you wrong. That's not called listening. So, the first thing is it's a real real attentiveness to everything that's inside without the need to amputate, without the need to control, without the need to judge. Don't worry about it. I'm not afraid that you're going to break windows and put the houses on fire and walk around start killing. We're done. We're good. Hindi, I'm not afraid. Don't worry. I'm not afraid. I know you. We're good. In fact, you could contain it with silence. Now, it's hard. I want to give it a narrative. I want to put it into a story. I want to put you into a story. I want to put me into a story. This is sh. It's called It's called because I'm actually surrendering to something I don't have control over. This is not such an easy process because the brain does not like this. We want absolutes. We want predictability. I want to be able to frame it, categorize it, and move on. And sometimes it's worth it for me to be miserable, but I'm in control. I'm miserable, but I'm in control. I GOT IT. YOU'RE THE ENEMY. YOU'RE THE PROBLEM. I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. HERE SHE GOES AGAIN. HERE HE GOES AGAIN. AND I have my book. I have my story. Let's move on now being miserable. But I'm here. But if I have the courage for this stage of of surrender, slowly something else happens. This is slowly. This is called Havdala is I can begin disentangling. I can begin moving away from inshment. I could start seeing the difference between the light and the darkness. Remember in the beginning of creation, the light and darkness are all mixed into each other. There's light and there's dark. I tell myself, I'm crazy, but I'm also normal. I'm kind, BUT I'M SELFISH. I'M NARCISSISTIC. NO, I'M NOT. I'M THE MOST SELFLESS PERSON IN THE WORLD. NO, I'M THIS. I'M WHOA. [laughter] The answer is I don't know who I am. It's complicated. After hnoah there's a stage of havdah havdah is you actually can begin distinguishing you can begin separating between the light and the darkness. This is not an active act of taking a knife and cutting it. But emotionally there starts being a differentiation between very different parts in ourselves because we don't only have an animal consciousness that is only busy with survival. We have a divine consciousness that is actually full of love, full of authenticity, full of compassion, full of curiosity, full of creativity just like its creator, full of earnestness, sincerity, deep empathy, and deep awareness and knowing. You'll realize that in the first stage when all those messages are coming to you, you don't recognize any of this in your side of you. All I know is I'm a wreck. I'm a mess. I never get it together. WHY CAN PESAK IN MY HOUSE BE like Pesak in their house? Since you know exactly what's happening in their kitchen, everybody's smiling, huh? >> It actually is the same. >> It's the same. >> That lady, >> she wants to be here, right? But in I could say yeah I have these stuff in me but there's so much beauty also this is we make this is the second stage I will never get to stage two without stage one if I get to stage two without stage one it's usually not authentic it's not real it's another pressure that I put on me to say this or to believe this internally comes after hno and in this face I can simply recognize so many different parts in me that have huh >> yeah literally today they call it unblending that is what means to separate unblend I'm not amputating I'm not denying but there's a lot of unblending and you could I could start feeling different voices in me in the Tanya in chapter 13 the balatanya says something very powerful he says that life is like a jury if you ever did jury duty and they accepted you in jury duty. You didn't have a good excuse. So, you know what it looks like. You have a plaintiff, you have a defendant, and you can have a jury of 18 people. And as the jury convenes to decide, 18 people can have different opinions. There could be two opinions, three opinions, 10 opinions. And then the judge has to listen to the opinions and choose the verdict. Take the hammer, bang it on the table and say, "This is the verdict." And this is exactly what happens in the human psyche. There's an entire jury. Everybody has a different opinion, a different perspective, a different feeling. This one says, "My mother was always right about him. My mother knew him. I should have listened to him." That's one voice. I'm not going to get into details. You could talk to your mother about it. And the other one has an opposite voice. And then there's argument and screaming all inside of me. And this is true about yourself and about others. And it's a constant constant constant debate. And that's the jury. And I could start looking and seeing there's literally different voices coming from different parts who are trying their best to keep me safe in their own mind and their own perception. And when that happens, something else can happen. And that is you can tune in to an inner voice which is very very innocent. It's usually a coiled mama. It's a silent still voice that is very peaceful. It's extremely not confrontational and it's also not weak. In survival, we don't know the difference. If I'm not going to be confrontational, I'm going to be weak. Sometimes I need to be weak because it's more dangerous to be confrontational than to be weak. But in that inner divine soul, the two don't compete with each other. It's extremely not weak, but it's not confrontational because its strength doesn't come from confrontation. Its strength comes from inner knowing. Its strength comes from channeling the source. So in this havdala I start recognizing the need to be a the ability to be able to disentangle. What did your word used >> to unblend and the inshment is not powerful because it's the inshment with something that doesn't allow me to see clearly. From this you can ultimately come to the third step called hamtaka. Hamtaka means sweetening. And this is a very very profound step in human growth. When the very very forces that have confused us so much suddenly become catalysts and springboards for your greatest growth and awareness. It's where my prison became my opportunity. Where my downfalls, mistakes, challenges, and struggles have contributed to the unique authentic power and light that you have to bring to this world. But I could never get to stage three if I don't go stage one and two. In other words, if I right away begin, everything is perfect. Everything is sweet. IT'S EXACTLY THE WAY GOD WANTED IT. MY LIFE IS UNBELIEVABLE. It's beautiful and it's true. But very often I have amputated or repressed or suppressed. I'm simply not acknowledging deep parts in myself and they will come back with a vengeance because my survival will make sure to tell me you're a dangerous girl and you're going to dangerous places and therefore suddenly tomorrow I find myself either nervous or angry or overwhelmed. Now these things I can't fake because I can maybe fake it to somebody else usually for four or five minutes. But internally this is a very very deep internal experience that comes with an internal knowing and it's not intellectual. It feels it fills the body. The nervous system experiences the different frequencies of anddalah and ham. Now >> we're answering light and dark. Yeah. Yeah. Now, if somebody's coming to me for advice, some of you are therapists or some of everyone everyone is, you know, you're you're you're whatever capacity you are, we all are you're Jewish mothers, so you're all in the business of giving advice. Either you say it or you think it. But if you're a good Yiddish imam, even if you're not saying it, they know what you think because the facial features and the disappointment. Very very few of us are such experts in repression of everything to the point and even and then they see even more what you really really feel. So everybody is in that business in one way or another. You'll forgive me. I don't mean it in a negative way. It's just it's part of it's part of our job. And some of us actually do it for a living and some of us do it actively. >> [snorts] >> These three steps are essential when somebody comes to me because there is so much in meshment. Your child comes to you, there's a problem. Your spouse comes to you, somebody else comes to you. I can respond like this and there's no awareness of how in much in meshment there is. I know sometimes you know I get some feedback or emails or people share relationships that they started to form in the offices of therapists or sometimes spiritual leaders, rabbis, rebbitson, teachers, educators and the people working with them are not worked out people. They never dealt with their own demons. They never dealt with it and they don't even realize they may be actually nice people. But the levels of inshment become sometimes poisonous because they didn't go through these three stages. When somebody comes, the first thing is silence. What is coming up? Wow. Cuz if this person is triggering me in any way, suddenly I'm loving them excessively or I'm not liking them excessively. Both of these relationships. Okay, I'm human. But what just happened? Can I be silent before I get into stories? Because that's my story. That's not their story. And if I don't deal with that and confront that, my story becomes their story. And because they're so vulnerable, they're going to accept my story as their story. Do you know what type of destruction that can create in people's lives? When my story becomes their story because it's completely inshed. And this happens consciously and happens unconsciously. And not necessarily because people are sinister. You have those people too. They're sick in their head and they're sinister. But you have people, they're not sinister, they're still sick in their head. And you have people who are not sick in their head, but we're unevolved. And it's not a blame on anybody. But it's discernment. This is the discernment. The first thing is, can I surrender to the fact that I am not a impeccable, flawless mentor, teacher, mother, father, therapist, rabbi, rebbitson, mashia. I'm actually a mute. I got nothing to say. K lame. K lame. That's the first thing. I have nothing to say. This is like way above my pay grade. I am dumbfounded. Pun intended. Dumbfounded. You just came to a dumb person who got nothing to say. Ela, I'm actually a mute. Why did you even come to a mute? I don't even know how to answer you. This is actually the first sign that there's somebody to come to. [snorts] The silence that ability and that silence is [snorts] internal. NO, I KNOW EXACTLY. AND WHOA. Can we sit with that? Can I make space for that? Can I hold on to it? And I don't know what the conclusion is going to be. It says inma is the first faculty of cognition before what's the ability to say ma what the first question is BEFORE YOU GET INTO THE four questions what's the first question what says about himself self and iron ma what are we what he was really saying is we are always in a state of asking ma what is ma ma is openness inquisitive curiosity a real real ma NOW MY SURVIVAL DOESN'T LIKE THAT there's no CURIOSITY WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO I KNOW EXACTLY how to position myself I know exactly what to think of you I KNOW WHO YOU ARE I EVEN KNOW YOUR MOTHER I know your grandmother I googled you. I don't even need Google. I have a filing cabinet on your family. I heard stories from my Bubba before the war where you come from. Shine. Boom. Next. Woo. And really, it's all a reflection. When people say an opinion about anybody else, the only person they're talking about is themselves. Remember this rule in life. When people share opinions about other people, the only person they're talking about is themselves. >> True. >> Yeah. Wow. You see, now you can trust what I said. Now you can trust what I said. It's so true because it's so subtle. That's how you know it's true. And not only that, the thing that they choose to speak about in the other person is the thing that they're most scared will be exposed inside of them because it will compromise their survival. They're actually latching on to the quality that is so scary if people see that in them and therefore they make right away sure to disassociate. Oh, she is so opinionated. I don't have any opinions. That's why I'm safe. That's why everybody likes me. I agree with everybody. She's so tough. Of course, I'm a people's pleaser. Everybody loves me. I learned that very very young. I am Miss People's Pleaser. Amdit Sadakus of Rockland County and New Jersey etc etc etc. I don't know I'm doing this but of course I have to right away make sure this is not a threat to me because this is Miss America primadana miss America that's not me. So in every person's life that ability to be able to be silent that's the first thing. So Hashem now so now this is true when somebody comes to me this is true when I'm giving advice to somebody. And that's what the says. Remember the are the that are quiet then they can cut and then they can speak. Before I speak first the silence then I can begin to disentangle. I can begin to differentiate. I can begin to remove the inshment. I could begin >> exactly from blending becomes unblending and then I could still give advice but I could say you know what this is happening to me. Yeah, there is something very annoying to me. Yes, indeed. >> It's called objective versus subjective. >> Very good. Objective versus subjective. And I'm going to add one thing. I don't know if anybody in the world can ever be fully objective. But I do know that the more I do this work, I can recognize the parts where my subjectivity can hijack the conversation. I once asked a therapist, a good friend of mine, and he's a very worked out person, and I asked him a question. I don't mean to make anybody uncomfortable, but I was very impressed with his answer. I said, you know, a lot of people come to you and uh you see men, you see women, and what happens when a woman comes to you and you start experiencing a positive emotion that is very intense. What do you do? I mean, you're a human being. Well, how do you deal with that? And he said something very profound to me. He says, "That's a serious issue. And the only thing I can do is acknowledge that this is what's happening to me. And after I acknowledge that this is happening to me, then I have to make a deep decision. Can I differentiate? Can I unblend and be here for this person according to their needs? Then I will continue to see them. And if I see that it's just very intense, there's no unblending. I have to say to myself, this will be a disaster. This is immoral. I'm taking somebody's money and literally using them even if that was not my intention. And it's not necessarily I will be using them consciously, but unconsciously I may be giving them advice for two years that will make sure that they stay in the office for another eight years because I'm enjoying the session and I'm getting paid for it. What's better? You're enjoying a session and you're getting paid for it. When people don't have this level, I'm saying this because this is the level where you have to surrender. You have to say, "Yeah, I'm a human being." And this is true not just a this is true with all genders and this is true with women towards women and men towards men. It's not just one particular aspect. This is the work, the inner work of real authentic awareness. That can be very cruel from some perspective because I'm going to have to look at everything and contain it. And only then only then can I begin the unblending and say, of course, I'm a man. I may experiencing this, but you know what? I have a deeper soul. I have a divine soul. And my divine soul knows exactly what respect is. It knows exactly that this person came here for a particular need and they're coming to me and let me ask my divine soul what she feels about it. And your divine soul will say be here for this person the way you can be with the absolute boundaries that you need in order to protect your integrity and your divinity and your shamaya. The divine soul knows it because divine soul actually doesn't need anything else. Divine soul is very happy in that space. It's other types of relationships. That's what a marriage is for. But this is very very subtle and sensitive stuff and nobody's going to know it. This is not something that anybody is going to know. But people have to be sensitive to this on all levels. And then only in that unblending ultimately can there be even further growth. So now when speaks to he says three things says these are the three things is your earth. My is your birth is the home of your father. What's the difference? Your earth, your birth, and the home of your father. So let's see inside. It's literally these three things all coming together. What are these three things? So take a look in your last source. And this is the last piece here, the second line of the last source. So he says, is earthiness. Eariness represents density, brutess, crashness. It's called aus. Akirus is the murkiness of physicality. Eritsus is earthliness. That's where there's a shell. It's like the crust of the earth that eclipses. And there's gas. means the arrogance that comes with thinking that I know I control. The first thing you're going to have to leave is that thick dense shell that doesn't want me to be humble and doesn't want me to remain a student. Surrender. That's the first thing you have to leave. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Step two. Who is his birth? He comes from the genetics of at least half. The Y chromosomes COME FROM WAS AN IDOL WORSHIPPER. The father's genes are in the child. the contractor's capacity you will see everywhere in the building. When you look at a home, you say, "Ah, I KNOW WHO THE CONTRACTOR WAS." HE ALWAYS PUTS THE wires in the wrong place. Always puts the bathroom where you didn't ask him. Always put the sink in the wrong bedroom. the in the building. You can see the one who built it, the the the the the one who drew the bl the architect, the contractor says, "A father and mother built a child." You could see imprints of mommy in the child. Can you unblend from your parents? Can I say this may be a shell that I inherited and I need to be able to unblend. This is hundreds of years before epigenetics and all this understanding. He's actually saying a major part of unblending is there's things that sit in me that actually are not essentially for me but they may be very very powerful. Can you go away? Can you actually unblend? You are not obligated to continue the narrative and the cycle that has maybe gone on for generations. You can actually interrupt it. You could say, "We're going to change the story. We're going to react differently." It's hard sometimes. I've seen situations of families that are not perfectly functional. I mean, no family is perfectly functional. And then there's that one person who stands up to the truth and they're demonized. they become the crazy ones because they're actually articulating a truth that nobody ever wanted to deal with. >> Now, we have to be careful not to get into a superiority complex because then you become part of the problem, not part of the solution. But there's a very very inner knowing that comes when you unblend. That's the second thing. You're not but you have inside of you. He built a house. Abrain has to look at himself and say this is a piece. His mother's name was this is an amasy piece. These are their pieces and I'm carrying them and I can have compassion for it but I have to know that I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole. And then comes the home of your father. What's the home of your father? Where was home? moved to say and he left the home of his father comes from the word anger. Go away from the anger from the and elevate it and sublimate it in your kindness and sweeten the den in its source. and then you will come to the land that I will show you. Understand this. So here you have the three stages. Go away from arrogance. Go away from control. Go into a place of surrender. That will not make you weaker. It'll actually make you much more powerful because you're going to be open to truth. Nothing is as powerful as the truth. The second thing is I have to be able to unblend. No, I am not just an insecure people's pleasing, self-hating, self-loathing, anxious, depressed, lazy, narcissistic, selfish, overwhelmed, betrayer of everything and everybody. Even though there are such voices, can I unblend? I'm not ter Yes, there are voices of Tarak inside of me. That's true. I'm his child. I come from Tarak. I'm carrying a lot of things but I can begin to unblend and then I can come to the third one and that is this wasn't all a mistake. Everything I ever dealt with everything I developed ultimately is part of my journey to be able to allow me to fulfill my mission in the world and therefore it can all be sweetened. That's me. Go away from the anger and now you could finally enter into the land that I will show you. What's the land that I will show you? Hashem will show you this is the land, the promised land, the land, the inheritance that I will show you, the divine inside of you, the infinity inside of you will show you this is your landscape. This is where you can live. Not by denying the other parts, but by having that courage of so is saying this is not a one-time event. This is constantly in davening happening. This is in learning because this is in all relationships. This happens throughout the day. In the middle of the day, something happens. I get a text. I get a WhatsApp. Somebody sends me a message. I'm giving myself a message. There's a confrontation. There's a misunderstanding. There's a pressure. There's an anxiety. Big stuff. Small stuff. Very small stuff. Constantly the text that you just got 5 minutes ago. I don't even want to read it. And and right away, boom, ho. Surrender. It's exactly what's supposed to be. This is exactly what Hashem wants at this moment. I don't need interpretation. I don't have to figure IT ALL OUT. NO, I KNOW. [screaming] I KNOW. AND BOOM, YOU WRITE A SCATHING text like you know how to write with all your professional English and your pros and your eloquence and you really know how to cut them down so that they never start up and then you regret it of course an hour later and you call a friend. Was I too harsh? Can I just surrender and be quiet? And then slowly there's havd and I'm talking and none can be forced because if I force one stage or the other stage I'm jumping at that's the schma there's there's actually hearing. Oh, you could see there's different parts of the jury. I'm not just all dark or all evil or all mishuga or all overwhelmed. I'm not all broken. That's not true. There's different parts. Let's make and then ah. So in the calendar we have these three times of the year and now you could see perfectly how it works. The first step of going out of mitz is nozz and matzah is the ultimate hakn because inflated dough that's matzah is deflated literally deflated and not only you don't allow it to rise and ferment but actually if you ever watched how they do in the matzah bakery they pour matzah mahactus of mahactus of mahactus with the sticks they're rolling that matzah and they're pounding on it and pounding on it so if he wants to get inflated for a and it gets a punch in the nose and fine, the matzah is happy because it's going to become matzah. It's very happy. But really what it feels like is I'm getting punched and getting punched and I want to I want to protect myself when I am aggressively responding internally with shame or self-contempt or blame. It's really I'm trying to protect myself and somebody's punching me. There is no judgment and no negative feeling. Listen to me if you are not feeling punched. But it doesn't necessarily mean a physical punch. An emotional punch could be far more severe. And when my daughter or my son or my husband or my wife or my sibling or my sister-in-law, MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, MY parent or my neighbor, my friend made that comment, I felt a punch and maybe a punch in my gut. And maybe he was not even conscious. Of course, I have to go into this mode. I'M TRYING TO DEFEND MYSELF. And surrender is can you sit with the punch? because you're going to find out what's really hurting. And then you'll actually be able to build up real defenses, not from a place of defensiveness and weakness, but from a place of inner power and knowing. It's a whole different experience. I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a mentor. I'm a leader. I can respond or not respond, but come from a place of deep strength. So the first step of mitim of pes is I'm stuck in mitim as we spoke before pes is mim constraints confinements m literally I'm stuck in my survival templates and I can't get out of it my life is predictable this is who I am I have this nature you have this nature why did we develop different dispositions why did your husband have to disassociate emotionally why did somebody's wife have to disassociate emotionally Why are the people who stopped feeling? Why are the people who control everything? They're intellectual geniuses, but they're terrified of relationships. They need a monitor. They're hypervigilant. You know, people who make lists all day all day. They don't you don't even have to do what it says in the list. The main thing is that you have a list. I sometimes get into that craze. I sit down in the morning and I make a list of everything I have to do. It's like 99 things. Trust me, I don't get to do even three of them. But after I made the list, I ALREADY FEEL LIKE A MENCH ALREADY. LIFE IS UNDER CONTROL. WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE A FAKA LIST OF EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO. IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME NINE YEARS. But the main thing is I have a list, right? You relate to that. You know what I mean? The the list is more important than anything cuz the list is LIKE NOBODY IS NOBODY is going to CONTROL MY LIFE. I HAVE MY DAY DOWN PAT. SURE. UNTIL THE next WhatsApp and then everything is shine. The list goes to the garbage. you could burn it WITH YOUR THAT'S ONE THING this hypervigilance and then there's a person who will not let you get too close to them it's tremendous reason I will not let anybody get too close there's a person who on the contrary they're Mrs. kind for everybody. THEY'RE THE BEST FRIEND OF EVERYBODY. Always smiling to everybody. All these things. Why do people develop these different natures? Everybody has I could live in my mitzay my entire life. This is my template of how I learn to respond. But I'm not living with the full power of my soul. I'm not living with the full power of my creativity. I'm not filling living with the full power of my love. I don't even know what it is. My entire life is a response is a reaction. The first thing is that can only happen with a lot of silence. Compassionate silence. That's now comes unblending. You see, I got it. Took me some time. I had to unblend. Unblending. That's exactly matzah is not let it be. Barley, the only carbon of barley besides a why barley in the ancient times wheat is Adam and barley was animal f today everything changed if you're a person you're not allowed to eat wheat anymore wheat is horrible it's the angel of death you're only allowed to eat barley I mean it's better if you're a vegan but only barley right so is it a reason because we became behemoths or as the behemoths became people that you'll ask uh that you'll ask other people I'm not that's above my pay grade but in the B mikdash the only carbon of animal f was the barley sphere interesting why and the answer is yeah you know why >> okay Spirit is what are we? >> Beautiful. Beautiful. So the says there's a count. The word the balatanya says comes from the word sapphire. Evan sapper a sapphire stone. It's not just you're counting. You're shining. You're creating a glow. Why do we go through 7 weeks, 49 days? Each day is another attribute because I'm literally unblending and watching the response of the animal consciousness versus the divine consciousness. >> Literally, you get it. >> Yeah. >> Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Today you're literally polishing and you're differentiating between the response that comes from the sapphire stone in you, the light in you and the response that comes from survival. Now survival is not evil. Survival is a mitzvah. The challenge is when my survival becomes a substitute for everything. Of course, I have to survive. Of course, there's moments when that is the priority. But when that becomes my go-to place, I don't have any other place. I don't know about anything else. I just know about my survival. So literally most of my energy is eclipsed under kipo under shells. That's why we say every night you remember that's unblending. This is the art of unblending. These are all the templates we develop. Is I connect is I withdraw. Animal consciousness is people's pleasing. Everybody needs to like me. Please tell me that my class was the best class you ever heard in your life and it changed your life forever and ever and ever and ever >> and I outdid myself even more. Please. Okay. Thank you. One student was listening. [laughter] I have to tell you I'm rebir Shapiro the founder of Dafoy. He had the yeshiva of Lublin. He came to America to raise money and it was the 1920s. He passed away in 33. Reme Shapiro. So he was once he was giving a lecture in New York and it was a 2hour shar big shear two hours. So uh and then there was no double speed. So it was hard two hours two hours. It was like a lot. A Jew comes over to him afterwards and says, "I'm a simple Jew. Unfortunately, I didn't understand one word, but you know what? You probably could use money for your yeshiva." So, here's a check. I want to participate. And he gives him this big check. >> [laughter] [laughter] >> Yeah, you were the only one who understood. A HUGE CROWD. NOBODY UNDERSTOOD A WORD. YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD. YEAH. The Rav Kman once said at a dinner, he said, "All the speakers before me, all the speakers before me spoke about. what they meant was money. I'm going to talk about money. What I mean is yeah. So that honesty, that authenticity is critical. So is one type of response. The people's pleasing and the need for validation. I need everybody to love me. Gur is I disassociate. I disconnect. Very strong boundaries. Very judgmental. Right? Teres could be very manipulative because it's empathy, but it's unhealthy empathy. It's when I go into your kishkas, I know exactly what you need to hear. Netak is ambition, victory. That can be very anim animalistic. I'm going to win every argument. I will be right. I will be right. H is the opposite. I surrender spinelessness. Each one of them literally is bonding, connection. There's bonding that can be very very toxic when I have crushes on people. And then there's malus. Malus is kingship. Kingship can be divine and it could be very very anim animalistic. So each one of these can be expressed in different ways. This is where the unblending happens and it's very very deep work. That's why it's doesn't mean I don't have it. It means I could begin to see. So suddenly I could polish my templates. I can polish my responses. Then we come to here's the fascinating thing. Shvis was the only time of the year they brought a carbon from Kamutz. The meal offering on Shvis was wheat. All the other meal OFFERINGS THE WHOLE YEAR WAS ONLY MATZAH INCLUDING THE barley offering on the second day of pes the only CARBON FROM THE ONLY ONE. INTERESTING ON PESAK IS THE WORST and on it's a mitzvah because what happened the third stage ham ham is the elevation the sweetening the transformation suddenly everything I was beating up everything I was beating up myself for everything I was pounding away crushing it which can sometimes be very good surrender and sometimes just self-contempt and suddenly the kit itself becomes sweet because everything gets elevated. How does it get elevated? Not because I make believe nothing happened. There is the grief but then from the grief and the unblending comes transformation. And in that transformation I can look and say literally every stumbling block, every failure, every setback, all those things I learned, they weren't mistakes. Sure, I could blame myself. People sit and they blame. If I would have only known this and some people say why didn't I hear this 25 years ago I once gave a lecture somebody said where were you 35 years ago to say this I said I was eating cotton candy [laughter] what what you know we we can all look back everybody made mistakes every we make mistakes right that perfect mother that we're looking for it doesn't exist that perfect father we're looking for I'm not that father we doesn't exist it does not exist. There's a time where you take responsibility acknowledging the pain but taking responsibility from myself. And then I could say ultimately this wasn't a mistake. It wasn't random. It's part of every soul's journey that all of these rabbit holes I went by be made me and make me the person I become to fulfill my mission in this I