The Secret to a Truly Successful Year - Rabbi Akiva Tatz

Um, here's one of the strange features of El. You know that the month of El has textual clues throughout the Torah, right? You must be familiar with that. That word is or I'm for my beloved, my beloved is for me. Wherever you look in the Torah, there are clues. What we call the word L is hinted at. You're familiar with that idea, right? >> Yes. [clears throat] There are two questions about this. One [clears throat] question is why only? No other month in the year is hinted to in that way in the Torah. So what is special about that we need clues throughout all the text of the Torah to the second question is that one of those clues is very strange. It is a verse that you find. It's a verse that you find in the Torah in there. It says that when a person kills someone accidentally, they need to flee to a city of refuge. You familiar with that? So that's called somebody kills is an accidental or let's call it a negligent death. what I think in English you call homicide or manslaughter and it's not deliberate it's not murder but it is a negligence which is culpable in such a case the person needs to flee to a city of refuge if they don't flee to a city of refuge they can be killed by an avenger of the family of the person who was killed or according to the Rambam anybody could kill the person their life is in danger and they have a place of protection which is called a city of refuge there's a verse describing the city of refuge which says Hashem brought it about that the person would be killed and therefore I've given you a place of refuge. Those four words spell clear right alen clear. So, so what's strange is what is accidental murder, accidental killing have to do with alul? It's very fine that the word spells lul. But you know there's got to be a connection when you say I'm for my beloved and my beloved is for me. That's understandable. What is the mazal? The zodiac of anyone know which of the 12 zodiac signs applies to >> Virgo. Petula Virgo that's the young woman preparing for her wedding for her marriage. That is we are approaching Hashem after a time of difficulty in the relationship of the saddest time of the year a time of distancing and now we come close and we will be embraced so to speak in the judgment of Rajashana and atone for so it's talking about a renewal of a love relationship you can understand that means I live in my faith which again is an assertion of the closeness to Hashem but here you're talking about somebody killed someone accidentally and they have to flee for their life and that says at all. What's the connection? You see the problem? Um, anyone awake out there? >> You're Americans, right? You're supposed to be lively. You know, with the British, you have no idea if they're alive or dead. But um but um [clears throat] that is the that is the question. So, let me give you an insight into this which I think is very beautiful and that is that what does it mean to kill someone? What is what does a death a murder mean? The concept of killing someone means that you exile their soul from the world. You can't you can't kill a soul. You can't kill an ashama, right? An ashama is always pure and transcended. He's part of Hashem. What you can do is banish a soul from the world. Killing someone means you deprive him of their place. The definition of life is soul and body. The definition of death is soul and body being separated. That's the definition of death. So somebody who kills someone is banishing that means they're exiling the soul from its place in the world. I think that's the reason why when someone dies or we comfort mourers. We say that may the place of the world comfort you. Not often that we refer to Hashem as place. But I think the reason we do it is because when the person has died, they've lost their place in the world. So the mourner feels like the person there's no place. They have no place. We say to them there's still a place for them. It's a larger sense of space. They may not be next to you like they were before. But in the space that we call Hashem, they still exist. You know, if you take Hashem's name V, and you multiply each letter by itself, right? U* U* A, you get the same number as the word M place. Meaning that when you take that name, Hashem's name of existence, and you let it express itself fully, every number multiplied by itself, what do you get? The place of the world. Like the Talmud says, the world is not Hashem's place. He is the place of the world. And therefore, that is the that is the concept of space or place. In fact, in Hebrew, it's amazing. The word mak is the same as mamm. It means it gives existence. An object cannot exist unless it has a place. Unless I have a place to stand, I couldn't be. Similarly, similarly, the place supports an object. And therefore, we say hashem is makay. He gives existence. So he's called the place of the world. So life means the soul has a place in the world. And death means the soul no longer has a place. Is this clear? >> Yes sir. >> Okay. Therefore when somebody kills someone they need to go through the same process of losing their place. Obviously [clears throat] in the most serious way the most the most severe way. If they kill someone they need to be killed. Not that we can apply that today but ideally that would be the case. But let's say someone kills somebody accidentally they lose their place. What is the Torah punishment of exile? What we call galut golus for a person who kills someone. Why? The reason is because they've exiled. They've deprived a person of their place in the world and therefore they go through the same experience. That is always the response to death. Who caused the first death in the world? >> Well, before that >> Adam and Eve, Adam and caused death in the world. What was the immediate response? Leave the garden. Leave your place. Exile from the garden. The next example was killing he what did Hashem say to him >> flee about become a wonder in the world in fact that punishment was so severe he said to Hashem I cannot sustain this this is impossible said okay there's a place east of Eden where you can survive so you see that when he when he commits the first murder in the world he loses his place you banished assault from the world you lose your place of you lose your place in the world you go into exile why are the Jewish people in exile because we've killed Every sin brings death to the world. Every sin banishes the holiness, the spirituality of Hashem's presence in the world. That's why we call a sinul. What does mean? It means emptying. In Hebrew, the word is the same as the word kalal, which means a dead body. Literally, it means an empty space. Kalal means in modern Hebrew, they say kalal means outer space where it's empty. So, when you take a person and kill them, what are you doing? You're leaving a body empty. That's called halal. So when you banish Hashem from the world, you leave the world empty. Certain sins the sages say is you push away the legs of the divine presence from the world. What do they say? What do you mean you push away the legs of God? What does that mean? It means the world is the place where God stands. His feet so to speak stand in the world. The world gives him a place to be. But if we exile him from the world, if we cause death forces in the world, just like death is the exiling of a soul from a body, spiritual death is exiling of the spiritual soul of the world, namely God from the world. And therefore, we go into exile. The reason the Jewish people are in exile is because we've caused death. Now, what happens onaship? You achieve an atonement. Do you remember last Yamipur na you were p pure on the high of spirituality all your sins forgiven amazing experience and now a year later death forces have accred you've done things wrong well not you here in in Queens [laughter] regular people out there so the death forces are true every sin brings death to the world and when you reach El who knows if there's any possibility of survival who knows if you have a place in the world And El is a city of refuge. Just like a city of refuge is a place for a person there's no place. Elo is a place in time for people who may no longer have a place in the world. Hashem says here's a place you can survive. Here's an extra month to do cha. You can survive in this place. No one can take your life here. And that is an opportunity. And therefore the clue the [clears throat] textual clue in the Torah to the word al is exactly in a city of refuge. Cuz al is it's a beautiful feeling. You enter aloo, you have a month in which you can reconstruct. You can reach Roshashana when your life hangs in the balance having cleared all your accounts. Amazing thing. Second question, why is all hinted at throughout the Torah? Why no other month? And the answer is that if you traveled in ancient Israel around the time of the mission and before, every intersection you came to, every street, there were no signs to very interesting. You know, you you travel on the roads, you come to a street sign tells you where to go. When you traveled around Israel, there were no signs to Jerusalem. Why? The gam says the rabbis wanted all the people bringing their first fruits to Jerusalem to stop people in the towns and say, "Excuse me, which way is your?" Then the people would see that you're traveling to your make a big fuss of the mitzvah. They'd accompany you and they wanted a big fuss and honor to be given to the mitzvah. If there's a street sign, you're not going to ask people. You're going to look at the sign and take your take your direction. So, they decreed that there should be no street. But at every intersection was a street sign a street sign saying miklat city of refuge. Every where you traveled in Israel you looked at any intersection there was a sign with an arrow saying miklat city of refuge. You know why? First of [clears throat] all someone fleeing for their life cannot afford to stop and ask people directions. Someone's hot on your heels about to kill you. And secondly it's very cringe to say to somebody just killed somebody. Could you just tell me? You know very cringe. And therefore the sign is telling you which way to go. And therefore the whole the whole land of Israel had signs saying miklat. And that's why the whole text of the Torah has signs saying el's coming. No matter how bad you feel no matter how spiritually dead you may feel el because that's the month in which you can reconstruct. Okay. Beautiful idea. Are we together so far? >> Why not fishery then? >> Why did not have a >> because tisha is not an era mikllet. >> [clears throat] >> El is the furthest month from the purity of the last year when you may not survive to get to sh which is a judgment for life. Right. This is the tail end. Dish is the beginning. Okay. So any other questions? Okay. Let's turn our attention to the work of chuva tesuva right which is the in English they call it repentance. Of course doesn't mean repentance it means return. Chuv is based on the word shv which means to return to go [clears throat] back to the purity that of your original pristine self. We don't do this on rashash. We do it in aloo and we do it from rashash to yip and of the whole day of yip of course we spend doing cha the day of rash two days rash we don't do this there's no confession there's no expression of remorse that's a different subject if there's time perhaps we can touch on that but what I want to talk by the way we just did a podcast for khazak and I'm sure it'll be aired maybe in the next few days and we discussed in that podcast why the work of rash shah is what it is with the sha and not doing chiv on those days but Let's turn our attention to the work of Elo and the work of [clears throat] the 10 days beyond Rashashana and the work of Yum Kip. Let me make an analysis or summary for you of the mitzvah of Chuba. And again, feel free to ask questions, but let me first paint a picture of the mitzvah. This is life-saving. Okay? Because if you do this mitzvah, you can enul the past. No matter what responsibility they have you you have accumulated, no matter what spiritual damage you have done, no matter what sins you have been involved in, ch is a miraculous opportunity to start again. An unbelievable transcendent miraculous opportunity to start the clock again. It doesn't get better than that. But you have to do the mitzvah. [clears throat] So what does the mitzvah involve? So listen carefully. Chuva involves three parts always and sometimes five. The three parts that are required are one remorse, regret, shame for the past, two confession that's called vidu. You need to verbalize and express what it is that you did. And third, future I'll never do this again. Couldn't be simpler. Right? Past, present, future. Remorse, regret, shame for the past in the present. Expressing the remorse and the shame and expressing the future. shall never do this again. Very simple. Okay, that's the good news. The bad news is you have to mean it. And we'll talk about that. But that's the mitzvah. These three apply only between mitzvah that apply between you and Hashem. This is irrelevant if the sin that you did harmed another person. So you did something between you and God. Uncure food, breaking Shabbat, things that are private between you and Hashem. This requires three steps. But if you harm someone else, you hurt someone's feelings, okay? Or you owe them, you've harmed them in some way, you [snorts] owe them money, or there's some problem in the relationship. These three are irrelevant until you fix the problem. You cannot say to Hashem, "I'm sorry, please forgive me." When you owe somebody money or you've you've hurt their feelings. And in that case, you need two steps which are much more difficult. The first one is you have to fix the problem. Pay what you owe. Undo the damage which can be very difficult and more difficult you need to undo the bad feelings. That means they need to forgive what we call they need to drop the issue. Not simple. Dealing with God easy. Dealing with your wife's mother [laughter] not always so easy or maybe your husband's mother. So that is where things get messy. I would suggest that until further notice, confine your sins to the ones between you and God because he's easy to deal with. Don't hurt people. Very messy. Okay, let's cover these five bases if we can. The good news here, of course, is that it can be done. No matter what you've done to people, even if they're no longer alive, even if you can't find them anymore, it can be done. But let's first talk about the three elements of chv that are always required. By the way, after you fix the problem with a person, you still need to speak to Hashem. Because every sin against a person is also a sin against Hashem. When you hurt somebody's feelings, you're also disobeying a law of the Torah. Is that clear? So after you fix the problem with a person, you slip to fix the problem with Hashem. That was always required. So let's go through the components. The first component is the vidui, the confession. [clears throat] Thank you very much. The confession needs to be first of all verbal, not thought. Thought is not good enough. It needs to be brought into the world and expressed like when you pray, when you say the schma, it needs to be verbally expressed loud enough for you to hear. No one else allowed to hear. In fact, Shah Chuba, one of the great works on Chua. Incidentally, there are three requirements for Chuva. He lists 17 requirements. So, you want to be a black belt, you work on that book, right? But they're three essentials. And he points out that if you're ashamed of what you've done, you wouldn't go around announcing it to the world. And therefore we're not like the Christians who confess to a human being. Christianity always works through intermediaries. So in the Catholic religion they go and speak to a priest and confess to the priest. We speak directly to the boss. We don't deal with intermediaries. And therefore it is words that you need to say loud enough for you to hear no one else. Secondly, it needs to be a language that you understand. Hebrew is better because Hebrew gets through certain gates in the spiritual world that other languages don't. But [clears throat] it needs to be a language you understand. The essence of chuva is the work of the heart. And therefore it needs to be a sincere a sincere change in the heart. And therefore it needs to be a meaningful confession, not a ritual. It needs to be words that you understand. If you would like to speak Hebrew and your Hebrew is not good enough, there is a trick you can use. And that is you can you can say your vidu at a time when a minion is praying. There's a cabalistic teaching that when 10 people are praying together, the gates are open in the spiritual world in any language. That's why we say kadesh in Aramaic and not Hebrew. And we only say it with a minion. And if you're a lady, it applies as well, right? If a minion of men is doubing and you join in, that's absolutely absolutely fine. You are using the the the momentum, let's say, of the community. And incidentally, you need to start when they are starting. If they finish and go home for lunch and you continue, that's fine. The point is once you start with a momentum of a minion it gives you that that access to the spiritual world. >> I was just wondering you can't you can't you can't say a way that anyone else hears that you they can't hear you. >> They shouldn't. >> They shouldn't. The question is why? Sometimes when you say I'm like taking on a diet or I'm working on certain issues it helps you I won't >> when you're taking on a diet for the future that's cool. But when you speak about embarrassing terrible things you've done and you're ashamed of you around telling everyone else about them. only only those who need to know. You understand? You've done some disgusting things. Now you're going to go around announcing the top of your voice in sh not appropriate. If you're ashamed, you wouldn't do that. You speak to Hashem. He's the one who needs to know. When we do the confession communally, you can scream at the top of your voice. We're all saying the same stuff. But when you get to your private stuff, that's not properly anyone else to hear. And no one else needs to hear. There's one exception the Rambam writes. If you sinned against the community, you need to get up and stand over there on your kipur and apologize to everyone. That's a different story. But if it was that's only if it applied against the community. So it needs [clears throat] to be and the way you can do it is a very >> that's so it should only be private. Why is it only with the minion that one can do the veto in any language? >> No, no, no, no, let's get this clear. A minion has the power of getting through the gates in sham in any language. Nothing to do with va. So a minion is governing. It opens gates in any language. That's why [clears throat] we say kadesh not in Hebrew but we only say it with a minion. Okay. Now you want to speak to Hashem. It could be vu. It could be. It could be anything you want. A potent way to do it is when a minion is praying because you now have the collective energy of the Jewish people behind you. And you can then speak any language. If you're on your own, Hebrew is much better. If you're with a minion, not necessary. Now you can use that opportunity to do cha as well. is you're making a confession to Hashem. You can ask for the things that you want. And a very cool way to do it is you do it at the end of the, you know, at the end of the Yeah. >> I just wanted to know like when you're saying you're asking forgiveness from people, maybe didn't get >> We didn't get there yet. We'll talk about people in a moment. Let's deal with Hashem first. Okay. We'll we'll hold the questions for a moment. Let's go in order. Um when you are very nice way to do it. We have a beautiful custom to say our name at the end of the amida. You familiar with that? >> Yes. >> Yes. Yes. You get to the end of the and then you switch for the first time into the singular. All our prayers are always plural. Okay. We never single ourselves out especially not in that's very dangerous. You don't want to do that. You want to be part of the collective which is guaranteed survival. And so we always pray in the plural. But when you get to the end of the you put one paragraph in that is personal. This is a personal prayer. At the end of that, you sign off. And at that line, just before you do that, there's a beautiful custom to say your name. I'm talking about your Hebrew name, not Butch, you know, or Griselda. I'm talking about your Hebrew name. And how do you say your Hebrew name? You say the puk, the verse in the Torah that begins with a letter your name begins with and ends with a letter your name ends with. Are you familiar with this? >> Should look it up. If you look in the odd scroll sedutor on page 924, they have a list of first and last letter combinations, right? So you say your name. That's a very beautiful way of introducing yourself. Hashem, this is me. And then you say your personal stuff or whatever you want to do. Incidentally, why do we say our name at the end and not the beginning? Who has a conversation with someone and then says their name at the end? You don't do that. You say, "Hi, this is me." And then you talk. But when we speak to Hashem, we don't do that. We put our name in at the end. Weird. But there's a very good reason. If you start by saying your name in the beginning, unfortunately for most of us, not guaranteed to get big- time attention in the spiritual world. So, we start our prayers elimit. And then at the end you slip yourself in on the coattails of Jewish history. My grandfather started the club. That's me. That's what you do. And therefore we put our name in at the end. And after you've said your name, introduced yourself, then you can say your own your own feelers. And that's a very good time to do um to do [clears throat] vidu. So it needs to be verbal. It needs to be loud enough for you to hear a language you understand. And the Rambam says the more you say the better. Very interesting. Normally our principle is to say less precious words well chosen and you speak little right the mission says your words should always be minimal with maximal meaning but here the more you speak the better why because children needs to delve into all the nooks and crannies and all the details of what you did for example every time you sin you're guilty for the sin you're guilty for the thought the thoughts of sin are punished worse than the actions I'm not talking about thoughts of sin that you didn't do. I'm talking about a thought of a sin that you did the sin. If you thought about it and did it, you are more guilty for the thought than the sin. Because a sin sullies and soils a body which is material and a thought soils and sullies a mind which is holy. So you punish for the action and for the thought. Then you punished for the enjoyment of the sin. Then there's the fact that after you sinned, you began got depressed. That's another problem. And then there's the fact that you can't hear me. Can you hear me? Yes. No. >> Can you hear me at the back? >> Okay. So, um, not only that, but when you sin, it becomes easier to sin again the second time. That's another [clears throat] problem. Then maybe someone saw you doing it. You weaken their spiritual resolve. [clears throat] That's another problem. So that every sin has many elements that you need to think through. And not only that, most [clears throat] most important of all [cough] is the fact that that the ch for a sin needs to be a delving into the root in character. Why did I do this thing? I'm constantly doing this particular problem. Okay, I admit it. What's the root? What's the problem? Where's the weakness in character? Chver means a change of heart. Unless you descended into the root of the problem in your personality, you'll never you'll never root it out. And therefore, there's a lot of work that has to be done. Desperate examination, a a a confronting honestly and brutally what it is that's wrong with me. And so, the cha needs a lot of words in order to delve into all these elements and reach the root. You know, just to put it most most um most deeply to know who you really are. And this is the work of of these days in Yamipa. You have to ask yourself what you really want, not what you've done. What do you want? What you what you want defines you. According [clears throat] to Kabala, the root of who you are sits here. This place where a baby's skull is open when the child is born. Where man waste filling. This is called ratsum. Ratson means desire. It has the same Hebrew gimatri, the same numerical equivalent as the word mak which means a source. A source is a point of origin that defines you. The question is what do you want in life? After you want a thing then you start a strategy and you start planning and eventually you do it. But that's external stuff. You know this is the month to think about these things. If you want to do this deeply, when you get home tonight, sit quietly for 5 minutes in a room by yourself, still your mind, and ask yourself, "What do I really want?" What will pop into your mind is usually not so complimentary. Okay, why do I want that? If I had that, I could do. Why do you want that? Because if I had that, why do you want that? Sooner or later, and it's usually sooner, you'll get to something that you want for no reason other than the fact that you want it. That's you. Your deep underlying desire that has no reason and that drives all the things that you do. That is the definition of who you are. And most of us, if you're really honest, we'll find that what we really want is to curl up in the sun and go to sleep like a dog. You have to want something better. Cha isn't about changing your style and your strategy and how you run after the same old disgusting things. It's wanting something new. And that's very hard work. How do you want something that you don't want? What are you going to say, Hashem? I just want to be your slave. You're lying through your teeth. You'd much rather he serve you. And the answer is you can't want something you don't want. You can't lift yourself by your own bootstraps, but you can give up [clears throat] your own immature desire. You know to illustrate this I would say how do you concentrate on the solution to a problem? You can't if you don't know the answer to a question you can't concentrate on the answer. Concentration does not mean thinking about the solution to a problem. Concentration means keeping the static out of the way long enough that it falls in. That's why in Yiddish an idea is called anfall. It falls in. When does it happen? When you're least expecting it. You think about the question and think about it and think about it and eventually I got it. Then you got the to say I figured it out. I figured it out. I fell in. And you cannot want something that you don't want. But you can say, "Hashem, you know what? What I really want is pretty immature. I prepare to give it up. If you can destroy the ego in that way and you can give up what it is that you want, you get given a better one." And that's the work of children. It's very hard. It takes a destruction of pride and ego and then you get given a better one. And finally, there's one situation in which you should not speak in detail. The Raama says har the more you say the better. There's one exception when you're doing cha where you should not speak a lot. It usually happens on your sitting there and sure you're doing cha you might as well got nothing else to do. And so you start thinking about a sin that you did during the year and before you know it, you're back at the scene of the crime enjoying the memory. Not good. In that case, mention the sin and move rapidly on leaving the details to his imagination while you're still feeling some remorse. But that is a summary of the laws of the vidui. Secondly, you say, "I'm ashamed and I regret what I did." You know, if you want to blaze this into your memory, the Ramban gives us one sentence that you can say, right? You should write this down in your sentence you say. If you'd like to look it up, it's in the very first paragraph of the first chapter of the laws of Chuv in the Rambam. It's available in English. You [clears throat] can look it up. But here's the sentence. You say, "Anm one sentence, please. I've sinned in front of you." These three words are hard to translate but they mean three levels of intentionality. First is careless. I was careless. I should have known better. Second is not careless. I deliberate. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. And the third I did it because it was wrong. Rebellious. That's the worst. And then you say in front of you not that you offended the social norms. You went against the divine command. You got to acknowledge that. That's the preamble. Pretty raw. And you say, and then you say, "Haris kak, I did ABC." You spell out on the dotted line what you did. This is the confession itself. This is what I did. And then you say, "I regret and I'm ashamed of what I did." That's the past. And then I'll never do this thing again. And that's it. One sentence dissolved, disappeared, gone, clean. No punishment. Amazing. Well, if you mean what you say. This is not a ritual. It has to be something meaningful that you would not do it again. It's not a game. But if you say that and mean it, the thing is over, gone. No punishment necessary. Let's analyze. This is what I did. You speak it out. I'm ashamed and I regret. Why does he say two words? What is the difference between regret and shame? Very important to know this. Regret means I'm sorry I did it. Why? Maybe I'm afraid of punishment. Maybe I caused inconvenience. Maybe the people that I hurt don't relate to me well anymore. Doesn't mean you really regret it internally. Maybe you [clears throat] regret it because of an external reason. You're afraid of punishment. Is that a change? Well, it's good enough to gain self-control. You wouldn't do it again because you're afraid, but it isn't a deep change in character. Shame is much deeper. Shame is not regret. Shame is an internal standard. Shame is personal. It's irrelevant where you're going to be punished or not. When do we feel ashamed? We feel ashamed when we put in an incommensurate situation. If you could not succeed at something and you failed, you don't feel ashamed. You just feel like a failure. But if you could have succeeded and don't, that's when you feel ashamed. You let yourself down. Why be ashamed when you're naked? Why is it natural to be ashamed when you when you're naked? The answer is because you internally are an angelic being and externally you're an animal. Internally you are angelic. You're a spiritual creature. You know that. And externally your body is an animal body. There's an incommensurate states. So shame is not regret. Regret means I regret it yet bad consequences. Shame has got nothing to do with it. You know we have terminology for this. Regret we call cha mira. That's chuva out of fear. Shame we call chu ma. That's chuva out of love. What's the difference? Mother says to her child, "I'm going out. Don't touch the chocolate cookies." Mother goes out. Kid eats all the cookies. Mother comes back and punishes the child. I don't know what American mothers use these days, but I'm sure it's pretty brutal. [clears throat] Next time the mother goes out, the child doesn't eat the cookies. Why not? He's too afraid. Is he a better child? Well, he's got self-control, but he's not deeply better. He'd eat the cookies if he could. But if a child comes to a realization of what his relationship with his mother means deeply understands that that's a different child that child won't eat the cookies even if he could. And therefore [clears throat] chiva is not that you're afraid of the consequences. Chvy means that you you would not do it again even if you could. You know the Rambam gives you an amazing definition. He says if you want to know if you've done chuva correctly ask yourself if you'd be back in the same temptation as you were before and this time would you do it or not? Exactly the same temptation. His example is a man with a woman alone getting into a relationship that is improper. He's very graphic. It has to be the same woman. He says the same place, the same passion. Why? Because the test of chi is if you're back in the same degree of stress and temptation and this time you wouldn't do it. Not because of punishment, because of internal realization. That's [clears throat] val. Of course it's forbidden to put yourself in that situation. But that is the test. And if you want to ask yourself if you've done chiver correctly, ask yourself, are you strong enough to resist if you be put back in the same situation. By the way, it's very important to point this out and I mention this because I happen to be a kov person. What I spend my time doing is trying to reach out to people who don't have much Jewish background. And many young people come into their ambit of Torah study and they've had relationships in the past, male female relationships and now they moving towards a more pure way of life and they're looking to get married and many of them carry a deep shame and regret for relationships that happened in the past and some think that they need to find those people and apologize. Not a good idea. Why? Because very clear the Ramba makes it very clear that an intimate relationship between two people is not an interpersonal sin. You hear that? We said there are two kinds of sin. One is between you and Hashem and the other one is between you and someone else. Amazingly the Ram says two people engaged in a forbidden relationship is not an interpersonal sin. It's a sin between you and Hashem. Why? Well, the answer is obvious. two people consenting to an a relationship that is improper. The person's not a victim. They're an accomplice. Interpersonal sin is where the perpetrator and a victim. You cheated someone in business. You hurt someone's feelings. Okay? You you betrayed someone's trust. That's interpersonal. But two people um colluding in a sin, >> right? Two partners in business cheating other people, that's not interpersonal between the two of them. Is this clear? And therefore, >> I mean, you have two spouses and and one. >> Oh, absolutely. So, there's a there's plenty of collateral damage. >> It certainly is, but it's not against the it's not against your partner. Again, this A and B are having an intimate relationship that's improper. A is married to someone else. It's a sin against her, not against the person you did the sin with. You betrayed someone else's trust. That definitely needs forgiveness. The problem is if the person doesn't know and you go tell them, can you imagine they have a cause? That's another whole problem. But we'll get to that in a moment. But this is so important because people lived a a secular life and now move into a more religious mode. People who who colluded with you or cooperated with you in various forbidden activities, you don't need to ask their forgiveness. They were an accomplice. Is this clear? You only need to get forgiveness from somebody that you hurt, that you acted against, not with. Okay. Be that as it may. So um now one more amazing step. We have a deep teaching that if you do chiro so it eliminates the sin but if you do chi aba the sins become merits. Isn't that amazing? You behave negatively you did terrible things in the world now you do chiv all those sins but come become credits so to speak the sins become mitzvah. How does that work? And the answer is very beautiful. How do you convert your life going straight and good where you were bad before and all the bad stuff instead of disappearing becomes part of your spiritual spiritual being. And the answer is this. Imagine a person moving along the life at a certain spiritual level. They've never sinned, superior level. And then they meet temptation and they crash. Terrible. Spiritually scarred. Moving on, moving along in life at a lower spiritual level. And then later they do cha. What does chiver do? takes you back to where you were before. Cha ma takes you higher than you were before. This was your level before you crashed. Chuva takes you higher. Why? Why? Because imagine a person moving along in life never having sinned. They look good, but they have a problem. This person has a spiritual weakness. They have a vulnerability. Put them in temptation, they'll crash. This is a person who has a hairline crack in their back axle. Doesn't doesn't look problematic when they hit the curb. it's going to break. So they think they're a big deal spiritually. Meanwhile, there's a problem in their character. Hit temptation, they crash. What's the definition of balacha? Says the Rambam. That if you'd be back in the same situation, you wouldn't do it again. Means you've eliminated the problem. You're higher than you were before. The crash has been used in a reconstruction. Sometimes I look at a person's X-ray and I say, "You broke your leg 10 years ago." And they say, "Hey, doc, how do you know?" The doctor knows because a bone always breaks at its weakest point, but it never breaks there again. When a bone heals, it thickens around the fracture site and that's one place it won't break again. So this person had a weakness in their character. It led to a sin. The sin led to cha. What's the definition of cha? That you no longer have the vulnerability. Put me back in the same temptation. I wouldn't do it again. So now you look back with relish on the moment you crashed because it led to an elimination of the problem. Of course, it's much better to discover the problem and fix it. weld that back axle before it breaks. But if you didn't, if this is the way you discovered it, Chuv has now used the past to catapult you into a situation where you're better than you were before. >> Let's say somebody does the work up front, right? And they're not vulnerable to this accounting for the sin, right? Wouldn't they still be at a lower level than the person? >> Oh, that's a wonderful question. That's a great >> because ultimately there there's no that's converted into a >> That's right. That's a great question. The question is, [clears throat] isn't it better to sin and reconstruct than never sin at all? Nice try. There's a fantastic discussion in the Talmud. Who is higher? Someone who's never sinned at all, overcome all those difficulties and never crashed. They are spiritually pure, but they've never been through the reconstruction. They've never tested it and climbed out of it. or the person who has tested it and climbed out of it and is superior. Obviously, both sides are true. Each one has an advantage. Therefore, therefore, what should you do? If you're aware of a problem and you can eliminate it, that's definitely the course of action because it's forbidden to sin. And worse than that, if you think, well, let me sin so I can reconstruct. Let me do this sin and then I'll fix it. I'll be better than before. or let me eat this cheeseburger and Yumipa will fix it. Listen to this. The the the the result is if you sin deliberately in order to fix it, you can never fix it. If you sin saying yum kipa will fix it, yum kipa will not fix it. And the maral gives the most beautiful explanation for why. Beautiful explanation. Here's a person. They think to themselves, I'd like to do that sin. You know what, Hashem, you promised that you'll accept cha. Cool. I'm going to do the sin because I know there's cha and then I'll fix it. So why did you do the sin? Only because of cha. Now you want you to fix it. What a I'm going to eat this forbidden food cuz your is coming next week. Oh, the reason you allowed yourself to do it was because of your Now you want your to fix it. You just shot yourself in the foot. And therefore, no, don't do that. Of course, once you've sinned, then you take advantage of the fact that you'll be higher than the person who never sinned by reconstructing. Right? The you want to hear something very beautiful? Well, sophisticated but beautiful. The argument in the Talmud who is higher a person who what's called sadik miko is somebody who never sinned or a balcha who sinned and climbed out of it. It's an argument between Robbaya and the Gumra. The Rambam sides with abaya means he rules that a bal is higher than someone who never sinned. Now it's unusual. We very seldom rule like a buyer. And secondly, how did the Ram know? There's a even-handed debate in the Talmud, right? On the one opinion is if you never sinned, you higher. The other opinion is the one who sinned and reconstructed is higher. What made the Ram decide that the Bivva is higher? There's a genius rag. was one of the great Torah geniuses of the last century. He says the Raman knew because there's another Gmoran kadushimi which says that if a man says to a woman behold you are engaged to me on condition that I'm at sadik. You know when you when you engage a woman it's a legal contract. And in Jewish law a legal contract can always have conditions. For example, if a man says to a woman, here's a ring. You are now engaged to me on condition that I have a million dollars in the bank. What's the law? If he has a million dollars in the bank, she's engaged. If he doesn't, she's not. Is this clear? You can make a condition in a contract. Let's say he says to the woman, he become engaged to me on condition that I'm a sadic. What's the background? Probably he's not such a sadic. Probably he's been hanging out with a Sicilian crew, you know, shooting people in the knees and that kind of he meets this Jewish girl. She's so amazing and so pure. He's motivated to go straight. He says to her, "I know you wouldn't consider a law life like me, but from now I'm I'm I'm at." Well, does he mean it or doesn't he? Says the Talmud, if he's sincere, she's engaged. Okay. Now, listen to the you get that now. Of course, we don't know he's sincere. So, we regarded as a doubtful marriage. But the point is, if you would really be, by the way, this shows you can do cha in one instant even without the vidu cuz he didn't do confession. All he said is on condition that I'm at Saddic. Okay, interesting discussion. But listen to the roach. Roger is like this. He said to her, you're engaged to me on condition that I'm at Saddic. But he can't [snorts] possibly be at all he can possibly be is about chuva because we know he was sinning till yesterday. But he [snorts] said he's at but he can't be at so it says like this. The debate in the Gammorra whose high is based on a verse in the Torah. The verse says shalom shalom. Hashem says greetings to the far and the near. So the kamarra says who's far and who's near. One opinion is the far one is the bala and the near one is the other one is that the near one is the and the far one is the bal. Both based on the same verse but [snorts] you see they're not equal cuz one's called close and one's called far. So he says to the woman behold you engaged to me on condition that I'm atic but he can't be a sadic. I would be a bummer. Oh, so you see that a balt chuba is at least as good as a sadic because otherwise she wouldn't be engaged to him. He claims to be a sadic, right? But we know he's a bala. There's no way she can be engaged unless he's equivalent to a sadic. So bala must be as good as a but it can't be exactly the same because we know one is one is close and one is far. He must be better. It's a genius piece of [clears throat] Roger. [snorts] Anyway, the point is that um by the way that raises a fascinating question. Can you do chibble without confession? [clears throat] And it's very relevant. You may be moments before death [clears throat] and have a total change of heart and want to die clean. No time to do vidooi. You may be in a hospital with a tube in your throat. Very interested in doing cha and you can't speak. Very relevant. And there's a wonderful work on this called takonosabin coin. And he says you certainly can do chuba without confession and you don't have to be Jewish for that. And he brings proofs. One of the proofs is there are a number of proofs. One of the proofs is the command says that there was a Roman who cast himself into the flames after helping one of the rabbis. [clears throat] And the Talmud says he's guaranteed a place in in the higher world. So you don't need to be you don't need to be Jewish for that. But chival without vidui is vastly different than chival with vidu. Chiv without vidu simply changes who you are. But it doesn't convert the past into merits. That miracle happens only when you do the mitzvah. And in fact if anyone has a cabalistic anyone interested in kabalan anyone? >> No one. >> I'll tell you the most beautiful cabalistic insight and then I'll see if you have any questions. The tom makes an amazing statement about chum. The tomet says quotes a verse in Isaiah [clears throat] which says if your sins are like scarlet thread they'll become white as snow. So if your sins are lurid and and and glowing scarlet you do ch they'll become white as snow. On that the Talmud says something amazing. The word scarlet thread shaim isn't exactly the right word. It should be shi in Hebrew. The word shaim means red thread. Why does it use the word shaim? Because shaim in Hebrew means years. Years, says the Talmud. It means if you make your sins like these years of creation that roll on from the six days of creation, then you'll become clean. End of discussion. Said the cabalistic sources say, "How do you make your sins like yours?" And the answer is, and this is very dangerous and not easy, but I'll tell you what it says. Before you were born, your sins were inevitable. Cuz Hashem knew them. Hashem knows in advance what you will do. So before you were born, he saw your sins. Now the question is, why are you responsible for them? Not because you did them. They were inevitable. But because you wanted them. You are what you want. So when you do those sins, you attached yourself to them. You made them yours. You bought them. You acquired them. You wanted them. And that's why you're guilty. What does cha mean? I don't want them anymore. You detach from them. You repudiate them. You reject them. And they roll on like acts of creation. They have nothing to do with you. >> Amazing. Okay. Any questions before we spend just a few minutes on interpersonal stuff? >> Yeah. Is there a lot of value in before you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and you say, "Hashem, I regret my sins. I don't want to do it again even though I know I'm going to do it again." >> Great, great question. You're asking two questions. One is before you go to sleep and wake up in the morning, which means should you do this every night before you go to sleep? How often should you do cha? That's one question. The second is if you know you're going to do it again, what value does this have? So, let me address both of those. First of all, do you need to do more than once for the same thing? Technically speaking, no. You fix it, you do it, Hashem forgives you, you move on. The question is, how sincere are you? Have you really delved into the root in character and therefore technically speaking, you could do it for the rest of your life. The problem with that is many people become riddled with guilt when they do that. They never really trust that Hashem has forgiven them. And in this modern bulch cha world, we usually suggest to people to do cha twice. One is when you realize what you did wrong. And one on yumkip. Yum kipa is a very special time. You want to do it every yum kipa. Okay. But to do it every night before you go to sleep for the same old sin that happened years before. If you're strong enough, that's fine. King David spent the rest of his life doing chuba to cha every day for the man. He realized he could have been yesterday. I could have reached this level yesterday. Why did I get there a day late? Okay, if you're a black belt like that, you could do it. But [clears throat] your other question is very is very important. How can you say, "Hashem, I won't do it again." How many times have you said you won't do it again and you've done it again? Pretty much every year, most of us. So, how often does that have to happen before you lose confidence in your own sincerity? And here's the answer. If you do valid cha, it's 100% valid. When you say you won't do it again, you're not talking about a prediction. Who knows what you'll do again? The Rambam gives you the definition. When you say, "I will never do this again," means if you put me back in that situation now, I will not do it. That has to be sincere. If that's not sincere, you've just done a new sin. You're lying through your teeth. It has to be literally back in the same situation, you wouldn't do it. Otherwise, you cannot say it. But if that's what you mean, you've done cha 3 months later, you do the sin again, you got to do chuva again. It doesn't invalidate the cha. However, if you say you won't do it again while you're planning the next time you're in big trouble and therefore only you can tell if you're sincere. This is not a game or a ritual. It has to be that you put your money where your mouth is that you say you won't do it again and you put yourself in a situation where you wouldn't do it again. You skirt the area the Ram says you don't go near it. You put barriers in place. Take it seriously. You have to become a different person. If you do that and life takes you to a position where you sin again, you have to fix it again. and only you can know the sincerity. Any other questions? >> Not about interpersonal stuff. We'll get there in a minute. >> Okay, I'll try. That's not what it doesn't. But um the thing about like saying to all year round, but all the stuff about the that's >> Yeah. >> Okay. And then a little sentiment say what about is that a interperson or is that a relationship? the daughter of who you are. >> He's talking about a a problem in a male female relationship that in general if the two parties are consenting with each other is not a sin against each other. It's a sort of two people doing something wrong and therefore you don't need to find the person and start making um apologies. >> Yeah, absolutely. >> I want to ask about the midmo that has the same scenario. >> Yeah. But in a different in a different exception. >> Yeah. >> It start right >> and that's all. But there is no we here is every person and etc. >> The question here is that >> have to be adult scenario. >> The question is that there's a wonderful song to him about Shabas Moshabas. By the way, it doesn't mention Shabas at all except for the first line. It's really talking about the Shabbat of Mashia. Y shabas of a world in which there no rashim they've been eliminated it's allim it's [snorts] talking about the ultimate Shabbat and it's nothing to do with cha this is a promise that the world will be perfected in the end if you like more depth in that I just wrote a book about it >> it's called Shabbat and the festivals it has a major section on that on that beautiful question yes anything that I can answer yeah >> understand suffering correct >> suffering chorus What's your question to do with cha >> chuv will eliminate the need for curus? Is that your question? Chuva cuts out all need for punishment if it's done sincerely. >> One of the 36 sins that have >> it's undone by cha >> but it has to have an element of suffering in order to >> oh good point. Okay. So here's a very interesting question. The Ram writes like this cha on its own is not always enough like this. He says if you have done the least serious type of sin namely omitting a positive command you didn't right you omitted a positive command then chuva immediately atones for the sin if you've done something more serious you've broken a negative command then you need chuva and suffering suffering chv is necessary but not sufficient you need to suffer that softens up the soul and the chv takes effect if you've done things that are much more serious top level negative commands talking about the worst there the Ram says you need cha suffering and living through a yum all of those bring it home to the to the soul and there's one sin that is so bad that it needs death as well and that's right now you need as well [clears throat] but when you die and by the way it doesn't mean dying necessarily preemptively But when the person dies, we'll bring the ch. So in all cases, you need the ch. But other things may need to happen as well. You do something dishonest and your name in public and your name is Goldberg or Goldstein, right? [snorts] Writes by the way that there's one way you can undo and what is that? making kushashm. You do something amazing in the business world and your name is Goldstein or co, right? You make a kushashm. My sister in South Africa went to a supermarket and [clears throat] um when she got home she saw that there were two deodorants in what she'd bought and she only paid for one. So she went back the next day. I mean she's a good girl, you know, taught everything she knows. [snorts] And um she said to the Portuguese lady behind the till, "Look, I'm I I bought, you know, one of these and you gave me two." The lady called all the cashiers together and they told my sister the first time in 25 years anyone had ever brought back something and admitted, right? That's called the kid. It's worth stealing a deodorant in the supermarket to take it back the next day. That will undo a lot of Yes. Any other questions? Okay, let's spend a couple of minutes. Can we do that on how do you fix interpersonal problems? Yes. No. So, first of all, you need to undo the damage. If someone's hurt or out of pockets or there's been business dealings, you need to undo the problem. Right now, they don't necessarily need to know. Let's say you had business dealings with someone and money found its way into your account that you work for a company and you got paid for sick leave when you weren't sick or you claimed a bonus that you weren't allowed to. That's stealing. By the way, I hate to tell you this. If you come late to work or leave early, that's stealing. If you make private phone calls at work, that's stealing. If you don't work as hard as you should be and you paid a salary, that's theft. Now, if you want to make amends for that, you don't have to go and tell the company that you stole, that will cause who knows how much damage, but you need to pay the money back. Don't claim the next bonus that you can claim. You need to make amends and pay back the money. Now, how do you do that if the person's no longer alive or you worked in a business? One man said to me, "Rabbi, for 25 years, I've been running a very successful business. For 25 years, I've been under supplying and overcharging. Now, I'd like to fix it. What do you mean fix it? Jews, non-Jews, hundreds of clients, customers, how you going to fix it?" Okay, so you need to speak to your local Orthodox rabbi if you have a situation like that. But it can be fixed. If the person's no longer alive that you owe the money to, you owe it to the estate. You owe where their money devolved to the family or whoever inherited them. If you are uh a in a business or many people were involved and you can't find them, the solution is you make an accounting of how much money acred to you in illicit fashion and you pay it to a community cause. Is this clear? You do something that benefits the community and it will ripple back to the places where it needs to go. Hashem will see to it that it's done that way. Maybe over time you you could do that. Obviously, you get as close as you can. You ran a business in a certain city, then you do the the chicken in that city. So far so good. Okay. What about the mah means the person you need to ask forgiveness or rather you need to evoke forgiveness. There's an interesting debate. Do you have to make the apology or simply know that they have actually forgiven? We rule that you don't need to make the apology if you know that [snorts] they've forgiven. That means you walk up to someone's house very embarrassing. You're going to ask them to forgive you for what you did. As you're about to knock on the door, you hear them saying that person I forgive them. It's all creep away. Okay? Because you got it. You don't have to make the apology if you know that they've dropped the issue. The main thing is that they're no longer carrying that pain. Incidentally, the Rambam writes that if someone asks you to forgive them, right? You should not be cruel. Someone hurt you and they ask you for forgiveness. Your coming and they say, "I need you to forgive me." It is a cruelty to withhold forgiveness. I'm not talking about money and legal stuff and things that need to be set to rights. I'm not talking about restarting a relationship that is better closed. Some relationships are better ended. I'm talking about if somebody sincerely wants you to forgive them and and and and you need to do that. What happens if you're too badly hurt? There [snorts] are three tools you can use. One is man up, woman up. Rise to the occasion and drop it. Let's say you find you can't do that. Number two, remind yourself that it's bad for you to carry this pain around, right? you bearing this this um grudge and resentment against that person, you're going to get also. And thirdly, if that doesn't work, remind yourself that one day you'll be asking Hashem to forgive you when you don't deserve it, and there's no way you'll be forgiven. Rashash is called you're my day of judgment. Try going to a court and say, "Your honor, I'm guilty, but please forgive me." No, this is not social welfare. It's a court of justice. When you stand in Hashem's court of justice on Rajash and you say, "Hashem, I'm guilty, but please forgive me." No, there's only one way he'll forgive you. If you once forgave somebody who did not deserve to be forgiven, then he's going to forgive you and you don't deserve it cuz you do cuz you did. And you only get what you did. It's not the highest motivation, but it's kosher. And [snorts] therefore remind yourself that one day you will desperately need to be atoned for and forgiven. Good reason to forgive somebody, right? Yeah. >> We forgive every day. >> Yeah. Yeah. If you do that sincerely, it's quite fine. Why not? [cough and clears throat] There's even better way to do it. >> If you are a um Ashkanazi, then you have in your muraka, right? don't have this. Obviously, they're on a level where they don't need this. But we ask Nazim seem to need it. And [clears throat] the zaka is the most beautiful thing. I would say if you're should probably say this as well. It's the most exquisite prayer that you say before your begins. You go 10 minutes early and you say it. It is very, very brutal. It begins by going through every part of your body in detail and how you've used it in the past year. Very cringe. It's called zaka the p the pure prayer and you start going through your eyes and your ears and your hands. You work through all the parts of your body examining how spiritual has been your use of these organs and and aspects of your being. And then there's a most important paragraph the says you should say this in the beginning you say hashem at this moment when life hangs in the balance I forgive anyone in the world that needs my forgiveness. If they have asked me, they haven't asked me, I don't want anybody punished on my account. And hereby, Hashem, please put into the hearts of anyone out there. This forgiveness I need that at this time they should forgive me. Right. Very. If that doesn't get your emotions in the right place for yam, nothing will. >> What? >> It's in the Yumipur in the very beginning before. So look it up and say, "Yeah, >> if I didn't do >> Yeah. I hurt somebody else. Yeah. >> And they made this >> da forgive anybody in the world. >> Yeah. >> Yes. Yes. If they >> doesn't matter if they forgave you sincerely. If I'm >> forgive everybody >> if you know that that person has forgiven and they no longer carry >> I can't help you. >> But if you >> Yes. If a person has said I dropped I got no problems with anyone. Okay. I've dropped everything. then you've got it. Yes. And finally, what happens if you what happens if you can't face them? You're too embarrassed. You um they don't know you did this. If you tell them, you'll cause immense problems. There's one final thing you can do. You can ask someone for forgiveness without telling them what you did. Now, there's a right way to do this and a wrong way. The wrong way is to say hi you don't know what I did to you but which that's not going to work. The right way is to say, "Hi, do you know it's just before Yamipa?" They say, "Yeah." You say, "You know, I went to this lecture at Kazak, you know, and I heard this very beautiful custom that before Yum Kipper, we all forgive each other for anything that happened." Isn't that interesting? Then you say, "And I forgive you for anything that happened in the past." And by the way, who knows, maybe somewhere along the line I did something. I I'm not saying I did, but maybe I did. Would you forgive me if they say yes, you got it? Now, of course, they have to be sincere. And the question is, would a person be sincere? Well, let's think about that. In some cases, if they think you're doing some Jewish ritual, it's not worth much at all. But if they mean it, a son goes to his father and he says, "Aba, don't ask me any questions. I've not been ideal son this year. Please, I need your forgiveness." What father's not going to forgive his son? He wants his son to be punished in his account. I don't want to know the details. Of course, many couples, married couples before Yung Kipper, they forgive each other. I do that to my wife every year. Believe me, I need her forgiveness. That for sure. So, I'm ready to give it very willingly. And that's sincere. Of course it is. Your life, your life depends [clears throat] on it. So, people say that that's sincere. Why not? Okay. Before we close, any questions? Yeah. Yeah. >> Question forgive one's text somebody else. Does it matter? You know, >> I didn't understand the question. >> You said only accepted one for somebody else. Does it matter? >> That's a good question. No, you need before you do any kind of chuva or you need to fix the problem with a person. That's an absolute requirement. >> Yes. >> Yeah. So, you need to do >> No, that's dis that's unconnected. Again, you you did something on Shabbat that wasn't correct. You ate food that wasn't correct. That's not relevant to someone else. You speak to Hashem about that. Right. Ideally either when you say forgives you. >> Yes. >> I'm not understanding you. If you hurt someone, you sinned against them. You need to fix the problem and then speak to Hashem. You need to do both of those. something wrong to you. >> Yes. >> Lord saying you have to forgive them >> if they ask you. Yes. And even if they don't ask you, it's better to drop the issue >> also. So in order for Hashem to forgive you, you >> No, no, no. But it's a very good it's a very good tool. That means if you don't deserve if you deserve to be forgiven, you the will forgive you. But let's say you don't deserve it. Let's say you're not on the level and you're pleading with Hashem to forgive you. A very strong merit in your favor is if you ever did that to someone else. That's very strong because it's called Midak. It deals with you the way you deal with other people. >> Yes. >> I had two >> speak loud. >> Sorry. Two business acquaintances that had a very large falling out when it came [snorts] to business. Yes. >> I tried to help reconcile. Yes. One told me, listen, I forgive him in the eyes of Hashem, but I want nothing to do with them. Yes. >> The other one told me in the spirit of young last year, he said, I'm I want to reconcile. See if I can make it happen. I tried. The other person said, "I want nothing." >> That's so here's a problem. Someone tried to reconcile two people who had a problem and one was willing. The other one is unwilling. You did what you needed to do. It's best to leave it closed. Some >> didn't want to reconcile. I forgive the eyes of Hashem. I just don't want to go. >> There's no need to reconcile in a bad relationship. There's no need to reconcile once he's dropped the issue. But he feels that's a person I don't want to relate to anymore. He might be right. Some relationships are not healthy. Unfortunately, tragically, sometimes in families, let me give you a rule. There are three ways to handle difficult people. It's usually the family. One, fix them. Doesn't work. Two, end the relationship. Sometimes, desperately, it's necessary even with a parent. Even ending relationship with a parent, it's a desperate last measure. Anything should be done to avoid it. But if it's toxic for the person or destroying them or their marriage, that may be necessary. But much more useful is the third one, and that is to relate to the person without the emotion. In other words, in a civil way. Let's say it's a parent who's desperately dysfunctional. Instead of letting them destroy you, you behave in a civil fashion. You say, "Yeah, how you doing?" Say, and you behave in a civil fashion. There's no mitzvah to feel the guilt and the pain. That's usually the best way, especially in families where you can't end a relationship. You can take the emotion out of it. If you prepare yourself for that, often it works well. So, in that situation that you you attempt at a reconciliation, that's fine. If one doesn't want to, it's dangerous to try to bring them back together. It may be worse. So, leave it. They've cleared the cleared the accounts. And >> yes, >> I think what the other person was asking is if you know that somebody >> sinned against you. >> Yeah. >> And he is not asking you Yes. forgiveness. >> Okay. Good. >> Should you drop the >> Yes. What about a person who needs your forgiveness but they haven't asked you? It's very good for you to drop it. >> Why should they be punished on your account? So they didn't ask you. Drop it. Hashem, I'm not talking about money they owe you. >> I'm talking about emotional stuff. Yeah, you should drop it. They didn't ask you. Unfortunately, they're not big enough for that. But you drop it and you have big merit if you do that. >> Yes. >> You have to forgive a Russia. And does it matter if they're Jewish or not Jewish? >> That's a good question. Again, forgive a Russia for what? For dam I'm not talking about forgiving damage that was done. I'm only talking about the emotional stuff. If the [snorts] person did something that was damaging that needs to be fixed, you don't not talking about forgiving that. you right to claim it and maybe you even should. And yes, it applies to non-Jews for a different reason. The the whole interaction with non-Jews in this area touches on a very sensitive point which is and therefore it could be even more serious in one way. So one should be very careful to make sure that those relationships are clear. Yeah. Okay. Any final qu? Yeah. >> I'm sorry. Um so I have two. One is like, "Do you have to ask three times?" >> That's a good question. The Yeah, let's deal with that. That's a good question. How many times do you need to ask the person to forgive you? So, the Ram says like this. You ask a few times, ask them. If that doesn't work and they're not willing, ask your friend to ask them. Ask their friend to ask them. Okay? If you can't face them, email them. In other words, he doesn't say email. >> [snorts] >> whatever technique is going to most effectively get them to the position where they can drop the issue. If they continually refuse, says the Rambam, it becomes their problem as a cruelty on their part and then you drop the issue. >> Okay. So the second question is maybe it's a more private personal thing. But [snorts] >> well then let's deal with the doctors. There's not a place for personal things. >> No, it's just like okay, you hurt someone, you ask for forgiveness a month, they didn't like before young people before were shot and they don't forgive you. You still have to ask >> again. We answer that. You ask a couple of times in the way that's most likely to get them to see that you're sincere and after that you drop the issue and maybe even drop the relationship. >> Any final? Yeah. >> Speak loud. >> Allows animosity. >> Good question. >> If you're supposed to forgive everyone, how could you have a How is defining? >> Sunnah is not allowed. It's like this. Good question. Does the Torah allow animosity? So, it does not allow animosity to the point of revenge. That's not allowed. Does not allow animosity to the point of what's called nitra. Nitra means reminding them of what they did all the time. That's in English you call bearing a grudge. But it does allow what's called means complaint. I have a complaint against you. That you're allowed to do. And you can maintain that if if necessary. It should be accompanied by trying to fix the problem. That's called you should go to the person and say, "Look, why did you behave that way? You were wrong." But that needs very good judgment. You only do that where they're likely to see it positively. If it's going to make the problem worse, then you drop it. Yes. >> Why does the order seem out of place? >> Speak loud. >> Would it be better if yipper came before us? >> Oh, that's a good question. But that's another whole talk. The question is why does Yumkip come after Roshan? Surely we should do Chuva first and then enter judgment. That's your question, right? I can only say one word about it. But you need to listen to the Kazak podcast. [snorts] Um very briefly, why do we reach Rashashana which is a day of life judgment and then on Yumip we try to clean up our act and do cha and here's the answer. On rashash we doing more than chib. On rashash sh we going to the root of who we are. Let me say that again. Yum kipa is cha for all the details of your life. The day you got angry and the day you kicked the dog and the day you know all that stuff. Rashashana is simply for setting the agenda. What are you here for? What is the do rashash day? Hashem you king. That's all. And you need me in the world to represent you as king. Cuz a king cannot exist without a nation. Let me put it this way. [snorts] You have five minutes every year to speak to your boss. And in those five minutes, you can ask for anything you want. If you speak to your boss and you're asking for a bigger expense account and a new company car and a better salary, you're making a big time mistake. In those five minutes, there's only one thing to discuss. Do you have a job next year? That's all that counts. Once that's settled, then the next 10 days, you're going to heranging with emails about a company go. But you look like an idiot talking about that if you don't have a job. Rashan Hashem, this is the greatest company in the universe. You're the greatest CEO. You need me cuz you can't run the company without me. Let's talk business. That's all you do in Rajashana. It's such a deep cha that you go back to the agenda of what it is that you represent. Let me say one more word. Do you know that Rashashana goes to the root of who you are as a human being, not a Jew? What happened on Rashashana? Human beings were created on Pes. about being Jewish on Pes. It's the Jew unique role of the Jewish people carved out of Egypt as a unique people to carry that Torah through the genocidal deserts of history. Non-Jews should not be present at your pesa if possible. But not Rashashana. Rashashana is a replay of the creation of the human being long before Jews came upon the scene. And therefore, every year on Rashashana is a redecision about the creation of you as a human being. And so you go to the root of what it is you're in the world for. When people accuse you of being only concerned about Jews, remind them on Rashash we pray for the whole world. We say everybody. Let me leave you with this beautiful thought. You know inash we say you know that phrase Hashem rule the whole world all of it. So the Taz asked this question. Why do we say why do we say call twice? Why not just rule the whole world? Listen to his answer. If you say, "Hashem, please rule the whole world." We might mean a majority. In Jewish law, a majority is considered if you're cooking a milk soup and a bit of meat falls in, it's fine. I mean, don't try that at home, but it's okay. If your suk is 51% covered with, it's fine. So, if we say, "Hashem, we want you to rule the whole world." We might mean 51%. Onash, we mean everybody. We mean every Zulu cattle herder and every Wall Street stock broker and every Q Garden Hills teenager painting her toenails black. The silver glitter, you know, we [snorts] mean everybody. And therefore, Rajashon is a return to the deepest level of human identity. Let me wish everybody eximate. I'm sure in this community cha is not necessary, but everyone a wonderful year. >> [applause]