The Secret of Successful Parenting: Raising Stable, Confident Children - Rabbi Moshe Chaim Eade

Okay. So, tremendous, tremendous to be here learning Mish, learning the proverbs together, growing that we should be people that can transform our lives. Also, we have to say a tremendous appreciation to all of our friends at an unbelievable organization spreading to the Arabs. That means to the four corners of the globe and we're all in this together. that we're here together growing in learning and as we're going through our journey together. We're up to a very famous famous verse and that is verse 8. We're going to speak today about something which for many people is challenging and I hope that our group here we can begin to do healing in many ways. And of course, these are not easy points, but anything worth really having is really worth working for. And we're going to speak about the idea of parenting. And parenting is it's not like a, you know, you put your money into the Coke machine and a bottle comes out. Not much effort. This is something here that requires a lifetime of understanding not only from the parents but also from the children to the parents. So let's open up verse 8 and see the language of the wisest man who ever lived. King Solomon is telling you my son listen to the muser of your father. It looks like your father gives you and do not stray from do not stray from the of your mother. So we have an emphasis on the father giving muser and an emphasis on not straying from the Torah of your mother. So usually many people would associate Torah to the father. They would also associate muser to the father that the father generally is giving a little bit more strictness and discipline. And that's one of the ways of understanding this is that the father is here to give muser a certain discipline. The mother who's not generally going to be as harsh to her child and is going to be more gentle in her approach is going to be able to share ideas in the way of toyra. Famously in the camps there were we're in the parishes now famously in the camps there were stories of Jews that to say heroically is almost diminishing where a Nazi would say take this giant boulder pick it up and walk up and down this mountain until we tell you to stop. Now this guy is skin and bones. He couldn't even pick up this boulder. Somehow he picks it up with no food and starts walking up and down the mountain. Now how do you do that? So later when there were survivors, many were asked like what got you through these moments? What got you through moments like this? How did you do it? So somebody in yeshiva might think yeah he's probably thinking about likeis and I know that gives me many people said something along the lines of this. When I was going up that mountain with that boulder that I could never have carried, I heard the voice of my mother saying the bedtime schma to me and the voice of the bedtime schma from my mother putting me to bed. Knowing that she's with me, knowing that And I heard my mother's voice and it gave me this hope that I can continue. That's the ty that the mother gives something on a different wavelength and the mother is providing something on that wavelength. So the Torah says something interesting here. What is the first muser that a person has to accept? Everyone here is coming to yeshiva you know you start opening up a muser safer. You open up the seal sasharin maybe getting muser from your rebi like they say mus you know rebby we need someark mus Thursday night someark mus. But where does the mus really begin? It really begins at home that a parent has to take the responsibility to guide their children. So you now as future parents amen >> in the right time. Amen. Amen. >> Amen. >> You also have to be aware of I'm going to have children and I have to guide them. I have to guide them and I can only really guide them if I guiding myself properly. But I have which is telling you like I'll I'll guide you that you could guide the next generation is that the parent has a responsibility even though he's talking to the child but how could the child be if the father is not giving any and the if the mother doesn't have any. So the first thing is that the mother and the father need to know that there's something that I have to give my kid. Is it good if a parent lets their kid do anything they want? I always remember growing up and I had a couple friends that had these, you know, parents that like they had the car out like anytime they wanted. You know what I'm saying? >> Like how do you always have the car, bro? I could take it anytime I want. Got the credit card, anything. I give no rules. It's not like that by us, Rabbi. Anything we need. Usually those people I found would there was a lot of like unsettledness and often times certain anxieties even as a young kid because things weren't really so stable in the home which mean as a kid it looked amazing. It was amazing. They could do anything. That's awesome. But when you think deeper about it, they were missing something so fundamental. By the way, Rabbi Burgerer likes to speak about this. How old are you? Anybody want to volunteer? >> Yes. >> Happy birthday. It should be the best year yet. So, you're 22. >> I would like to posit that you're only 9 years old. >> What do you mean? >> It's 22. Rather, do the math on that one. 22 equals 22. Like, how is he 13? How is he nine? Because when do you get your evil inclination? When you're born, it says that the Yates Sahara is waiting the pes it's crouching at the pesak waiting for you to come into the world and then the Yates Sahara comes in and the Yates essentially wants to make you think about Mr. number one me. And that's why kids are generally more into themselves and more selfish and I don't want to say, you know, not nice things about kids, but you got this kid, he's eating a lollipop and and and the poor kid's like, you know, big brother comes over to his sister, takes the lollipop out of her hand, just starts eating it, maybe bites it off, throws it on the ground, ditches the evidence, and just runs. The kid, the girl's crying there and he's like, "What did I do?" There's like lollipop juice coming out. Why would you do that? I don't know. I wanted to. What motivated that older brother of seven to do that to his baby sister of four? His y to her. Because I want a lollipop and I'm hungry for a lollipop. And then I'm taking that lollipop whether she likes it or not. So your yates is 22 years old. When do you get your nisha? When your bar mitzvah. That's how we celebrate the bar mitzvah so much. This is a new way of looking at the bar mitzvah. I never heard anything about my nishama at my bar mitzvah. my reformed congregation. When I came to yeshiva, I learned that when you turn 13, you get your the shama, you get your godly soul and your godly soul wants you to do good in this world and that's the real you. So in a certain way, for the first 13 years, you've got a bit of NPC going on and you are 9 years old. So you get Zahara's, you know, an older man than you are. He knows a few tricks. So, how do you make sure if you're only a nineyear-old to make sure that you live by the godly soul for those first 13 years? You know what the answer is? It's up to the parents in a certain way. They're here to make sure that you're stepping up your game because in a certain way you're at a disadvantage for those 13 years and therefore the parent understands this we hope and is able to be there for the kids and you will be for your children >> to help that your children knowing that for the first 13 years they're going through this thing of being more attached to the Sahara So the parent has a responsibility and King Solomon is telling you remember we said this whole safer is about even though I'm trying to make you wise and generally young people are not so wise. He said if you learn Mish I could even make young people wise and trying to help even the youth. And one of the biggest messages that he's really beginning the safer with is make sure that you have the and the help should be you should think about how can I be a good father and give the muser and how can I make sure that I'm not going from the because our parents know things you know there's a that If somebody's an old person, but they don't have much Torah, we know that there's a that if a Torah scholar walks into the room, you stand up for them, right? And the Gamarra even says not such nice things about a person that if a Torah would fall on the ground, God forbid, a person would run over to pick it up, right? What if a Torah scholar falls? So they may or may not run over or if a Torah comes into the room, they'll stand up. But what if a Torah scholar runs comes into the room? I'm busy playing Candy Crush. I have to stand up. Fool. The Torah is a Torah. A Torah scholar has become the Torah. He became the Torah. So certainly you should stand up. But what about a person that does not have much Torah, but they're old? Should you stand up for them when they walk into the room? Yes, because they have life experience. Life has a way of teaching you things. And this is a very important message for often times balichua is that they think, you know, now I have to you know what what are my old old folks know? They know things. Your parents know things. You may know additional things now that you've come to the path of tora, but remember your family knows things. And the older generation knows certain things and to be aware of that that they have certain understandings of life just because they've seen more life. They've seen things and be aware of them and try to glean teachings from them. And King Solomon is telling you he's not making a distinction only if the if your parents are bigim. He says there's something called and he's making it global and try to pay attention now what can I learn from them like the Mishna says in who is the wise man the one who learns from >> everybody who is the wise man the one that learns from everybody that there's something you can glean from everybody And there's something special that your father has to give and your mother has to give. Yes, brother. >> So I get the Egypt story that you told about mother, >> but isn't it the man that's going to Yeshiva stud? >> So here we're explaining the me is something more subtle. So much so the vagin explains it like this that is that your father gives you. He's teaching you the written tora and is the oral toyra is the inner workings is the inner vibrations because toshante is not only gamar my friends is the inner vibration of the Jewish nation that's yes >> but it's usually the man >> that's what we said it's not only the It's the inner vibration of the Jewish nation. There's an inner light. There's an inner understanding. There's a beanie that the women understand. It says because of the because of the righteous women that we came out of because what were the righteous women doing? They were giving up the mirrors and they were going to the river with buckets and they were going into the river to get fish and they put their bucket inside the river and they pulled up the bucket and it was filled with fish. Hashem made a miracle and even though the husbands were getting destroyed in the fields, the women went home and they fried up the fish and it gave the men energy to be with their wives. And through that the Jewish nation would continue that the women have a certain awareness and a certain power and an energy that is very very powerful within the entire transmission of Torah Shabbalt and encouraging the husbands to learn and keeping the energy of the home going. That's part of the and there's a inner light of me that the women have that you have to pay attention to. I want to go into Rashi for a moment because you always have to bring things back to the basics. So Rashi says what is the of who is your father? So Rashi says one time I asked because his children call him Abba and I said no why not Tati he said there's only one Tati Tati. So, and here interesting according to Rashi is the entire that Hashem gave at Harina. Shem gave us and that really and should be understood in the lens of not just I know that I could be the biggest chat GBT in the world that I could quote you any or anything that is only that the Torah should be transformed into something that I'm using something that I'm living with in a very real way. I'm transferring it. I'm understanding it as Mus. So then what is so Rashi says he translate as which means the Torah of your nation of cloudy snow. There's the that's what we got from Hashem. But then those that's aligning yourself with the nation the um not just I sit in a corner learning a lot of when it comes to clalis like I do my own thing are you moving with the Jewish nation are you with the people no I have Torah there's no tora unless it comes in to it has to come into the into the um am I with the nation am I going with in Jewish destiny and that's that's going with the nation that's which includes what all the draons and going with all of the enactments and all the men hug him that come as being part of the nation And if you take that even further goes with all the hog of within your adv I'm always amazed how many guys become farty on pesak because they like rice but those same guys when it comes to el and become very ashkenazi all of a sudden the are out there at in the morning. You got to earn that right Sabo side because if you're really with the um and then you're within your adah within the um you realize that I was given this gift this being within the um and then within my tribe in the um there's 12 tribes and there's 12 valid and necessary pathways of the Jewish nation within the um and to own that part of yourself that if I'm owning that Ashkanazi I'm owning that I'm living with that and appreciating everyone and and their role within the um how much love I have for my wife always says this when there's challenges in the Jewish people and things are happening and we're getting close to She's saying it's going to be okay. The spartum are starting. It's going to be okay because the power to own that to be in that for real is so good. >> Ashkanazi do that too. Ashkanazi can go to that's muten and led to it's mut but don't say you know I'm yots with that and I don't need to go to Ashkenazi Ashkanadas have their own role and within the alto don't leave your role within the nation we need your role and it's going to be different. It's going to be different. I'm not just talking about the cuisine. Everybody knows in my house they even the far to meet the kafila fish by me. Our kafila fish is such amus kafila fish and it's classic Hungarian mameish with the with the keepa carrot on top. The yamak over there is is mish but there's like a there's like a secret she puts into it but she made it mish and I think it's I think it's a bit a little bit of naceard come and they eat fish and the other guy's like I can't believe it and then they come and they eat it too. So in review what did Rashi say? Rashi said that is you have to listen to the that means from that's the that's you have to know it and you have to make out of it and that's that's your role within Jewish destiny that's your role within the nation don't veer from that own that is your primary identity I'm a Jew and that means something and within the Jewish nation that I have a role within my tribe within my um and that will make the symphony that will make up the entirety of Israel that you're living with your destiny and we said in the beginning that means the role of parents in general is they have to help the child because the child is not nine is not is 22 and not nine and because of that for the first 13 years he's going to need responsib possible parents. They're going to help the child because if the child makes good decisions when he's young and he starts getting the muscle memory for making brahas and you you teach them, you know, when you say an you get a candy like this and the kids scream a and it literally aligning the entire trachea muscle five section of speech and the muscle of the of the mouth and and the vocal cords are being trained to say amen because they know they're going to have a tiny little injection of a machite and that it starts feeling good like Isaac always says tastes good and they learn that it tastes good and they're making good associations so then when they become 13 they're already used to this And they want to continue as their yates to comes in. And then we said the responsibility is us as the beni as the children to be listening to listen to the guidance both from the father and the mother. So we're on the journey of Mish and we have the tremendous merit of Mameish living with Mish and allowing to be transformed through the teachings of and with that to see the Amen. Amen. Amen. Have a wonderful day, Rabai.