The Real Purpose of Marriage - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] couples asked me all the time what's the real purpose of marriage and I was once at a lecture and I asked the same question to the couples that were there what do you think is the reason to get married one person got up and said the reason to get married is for financial reasons if you marry somebody has a good profession they're a doctor they're a lawyer you're an accountant they're a successful businessperson you're gonna be happy the next person got up and said the reason to get married is to have children the third person got up and said the reason to get married is to spend a lot of time having fun together traveling seeing movies and so on and I thought a lot about that I wanted to find a deeper reason and I realized the Torah itself tells us the real purpose of marriage where do we see this just after the beginning of creation Adam wanted to get married and the Torah teaches a tremendous lesson it says aldini azov ish as mov aviv when a person wants to get married they have to leave their father and mother the Dove look for each day they have to cleave in their wife the high rule a bus or a hot and they become one flesh what is one flesh mean Rashi tells us it's not really you become physically one because you don't you become one when you have a child says Rashi you share your genetic material we know this in science today with your spouse and together you form one flesh but psychologically we know today there's something called attachment there's a brilliant theory called attachment theory which is helping so many marriage therapist helped so many couples today by focusing on what's really important the essence of attachment what is attachment telling us attachment is telling us that the most important thing in a marriage is as close and an everlasting bond that you've developed with another person and if you do that effectively if you focus on your attachment with another you're going to experience a lifetime of happiness with one another how does this attachment really work the Zohar tells us an amazing thing it says that why and her husband are really one soul and before they were born that one soul is broken up into two different parts and each part went into a male and when one went into a female and they spent their lifetime getting ready to get married and they actually sought out each other and they got married to that one part that other half of themselves they found themselves in the other person that is the essence of attachment when you get involved in a healthy Jewish and loving relationship you're actually rimi ting a part of yourself that got lost for so many years and just think about all the things you do for yourself you take care of the food you need you take care of the vacations you want to go on you take care of your basic needs you very rarely deny yourself of what you need if you do that with your spouse you're gonna be very successful think about what they need think about the things they like and avoid the things they dislike if you view the person as the other half of yourself and work towards your attachment with the other person then you're gonna feel a very deep sense of closeness of warmth and love however if you focus on those things those external things even I would say having children making money going on trips together you know having children is so important we have to also focus on your attachment with your spouse couples they get too involved with just taking care of their children and forget themselves often end up in marriage counseling with me because they forgot about the importance of their attachment and in those cases I point them back to what's really important when it comes to vacations and having money who knows what a shemin's going to bring sometimes you have money sometimes you lose money marriage cannot be based upon those external things the couples that focus on their attachment the couples that achieve two things do Vegas cleaving to one another and becoming one and recognizing that one that the other person is their other half they're focusing on attachment they're focusing bus or hot and they reap the benefits for many years when you focus on your oneness with one another that will bring you the most happiness in relationship welcome to this new series in HIDA Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi daniel shomba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue dealing with family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on this new show