The Power of Active Listening - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] couples often ask me what's the most important way to communicate with their spouse and i begin to tell them it's not what you say to your spouse but it's about how you listen to your spouse listening is so much more important than what you say let me teach you how to do this really well if your spouse says to you I had a really hard day at work well one of the worst things you could say to your spouse's come on it wasn't such a bad day you've had other days like this before you'll get over it how do you think your spouse feels a person is not listening to they're going to get very upset yeah listening to my feelings when I talk to you so what do you want to do instead you want to do something called active listening active listening means I'm actively listening and I'm really interested to understand what you're telling to me and there's a few key roles to active listening one is your body language when somebody speaks to you show them your face look at them in the eyes has a face-to-face connection with them showing them that you're actually interested one of the worst things people do in marriage today and almost everybody's doing it is when their spouse is talking they're clicking on the throne they're looking they're searching their you're answering their whatsapp and their messages they're not doing the right thing in terms of active listening active listening means you put down your cell phone you turn off the music or the videos there shouldn't be any distraction you want to show your spouse you're interested in what they have to say the second rule of active listening is paraphrasing what they're saying to and reflecting back to them what they said to you so in this case when the wife said I had a really hard day at work today and really instead of my boss you want to reflect you say I heard you had a really hard day at work today and you really upset your boss can you tell me more about what happened today and believe it or not some people said it sounds funny but it really works with other people when you deeply listen to what they have to say they ultimately they feel heard by you if you don't understand what they're saying that's okay just ask them I'm trying to understand what really happened at work today tell me more i don't i don't really get how you're feeling can you explain to me more what happened to you and when you give a person a chance to express the feelings what you've developed is a long-term feeling that you're really interested in that other human being some people think that communication is all about getting something you know I want something to eat so could you make me something to eat I want to go shopping so what do you want me to get when I go shopping today you're expressing communication in order to achieve something let me suggest you something very different communication in marriage is not about getting anything communication in marriage is all of that building your relationship together the more time you spend just listening to the other person the more the other person feels they could turn towards you you are their secure base and safe haven they know they can come back to you when they're in danger they know they have something to turn to in life when they're scared or feeling upset or just feeling down you're really giving the other person a tremendous present in life they know that they can turn to you when they're going through a difficult time are they going to feel comfort being close to you and when someone likes talking to you they're going to talk to you over and over and over again there's always going to be connection with the two of you you're always going to experience a deep attachment and it all begins not by speaking but first by listening to your spouse welcome to this new series and he's a brute called marriage matters my name is rabbi daniel shoma and on the licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series i will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue here in the family relationship but more than what i have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on the blue shell