The Marriage Seminar #9: Proper Communication - How to Complain - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] how do you complain how do you complain to your spouse how do you bring a complaint whatever may be big a little small too big so rule number one is what this one everyone knows the rule number one is what's the difference between a complaint and a criticism a complaint and a criticism anyone knows the difference well it's the different tune of complaint and a criticism a complaint is I feel badly I'm embarrassed I'm feeling rejected that's a complaint a criticism is you you rejected me you made the place in that's blue and we have finger points this whole so here's a rule and start the sentence with I you have every right as a equal partner in this marriage to feel hurt feel embarrassed to feel badly to want things to need things and you have every right to say those words to your spouse I need I want it's important now use your judgment because if you become too needy too demanding it becomes difficult and not everything you want to need is gonna happen because that's just life but number one start with I not you I not you number two and this one gentleman you'll tell me if it isn't true please please please stay local you have a problem the house is messy stick to the topic at hand please you say to your husband I feel embarrassed when the house is messy I feel badly I get it but then don't go to everything else that he did since my Sabri she's wrong and you did this nicely and you've got the laundry you do that do this just stay local stick to the issue stay local don't go global don't go throwing in the kitchen sink and everything else that went wrong and could go wrong and etc stick to the issue at hand I am bothered I am embarrassed it bothers me number one it's I number two its local what is the issue what bothers you what do you want stick to it and number three is probably the biggest one assassination is a capital offense assassination you know President Kennedy was assassinated President Lincoln was assassinated character assassination isn't much less okay she forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning she forgot whatever maybe don't then go assassinate a car and it just shows me I can trust you I can't rely on you he's never gonna you never do it and I see I just can't rely on you that's called character assassination I mean listen at the end of the day she forgot one thing at the end of the day one time you didn't do it you stay the local stick to the issue don't allow it to then go to the next level and don't assassinate characters don't say from this I see I can never trust you from this I see they don't care about me from this I see you're not reliable so it's I statements number one number two stick to the issues stay local not global and number three don't assassinate characters it doesn't reflect on him and in general it doesn't reflect on her totality