The Marriage Seminar #8: Proper Communication - Expressing Your Needs - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] and now we come to that issue that seems to keep coming up how do you deal with the socks on the floor anybody ever get that question before okay but I'm gonna make it a little bit more clear because it's getting boring socks and fly get it I get it I got it yeah but the husband don't late okay but fine okay let's assume and many marriages have one of those issues I call it a socks on Felucia it's a kind of issue that really is obnoxious it's annoying it's bothersome but it likely ain't gonna change so how do you deal with it so I mentioned this before but I want to repeat it because of the very very important situation I was speaking in a Chaba tone and a fella comes over me and says rabbi here's my problem my wife is overweight I offered a personal trainer I offered all kinds of diet class or a nutrition class anything she wanted and she just doesn't care and it's very hard on me I'm a doctor I work in a hospital these nurses are pretty they're young they're attractive and my wife just doesn't care what can I do now for the record of his wife who was also there was not like some old me sue okay you know she had three kids and you know but she wasn't an attractive woman's fine so what do i do what do I do better okay so here's the first point how does he make that request to his wife so gentlemen let me make this very clear if your wife asks you how does she look what is the answer wow you look great you look beautiful if you say anything else other than that you're a fool oh yeah fool why because believe it or not it's important to women how they look and if she's asking you that question you better have the right answer which is beautiful and don't go telling her well you know you're pretty but your sister's much prettier oh man you stupid what are you thinking if a woman thinks that she's cherished in her husband's eyes and if a woman thinks that to her husband she's beautiful that's 90 percent of showing by his problems if a woman feels my husband you know things I'm not so attractive and he's looking at other women oh man you in big trouble so number one make sure I tried to explain to this guy that you never give your wife the impression that she's not attractive to you and by the way gentlemen this one I'm gonna go on record is saying if you say well my wife isn't beautiful cause I'll tell us kane Aisha bein a baile there's a special pain that a sham foot of a woman into her husband's eyes says Rashi I feel him before eros even if she's ugly even objectively people would say she's not attractive at all to her husband she's beautiful and the safer earthiness explains you know what genre Shawn is really about looking the safer lookin if he says it's about training yourself that this is a woman and no one else's own training yourself that this is the way a woman eats this way a woman walks this way only does things you're training yourself that this is a woman and no one else is and provided you keep your eyes where they're supposed to be and provided your work on this you'll find your wife beautiful and gentleman as a suggestion I think it is a wise man who has a picture of his wife with him wherever he goes on your phone in your wallet because it is a rough world out there and if you want to train yourself to have eyes for your wife and not for other people keep a picture on your phone gonna keep a picture in your wallet use it as a tool you use it as something that you're going to use so that you're not pulled away and let your wife know about it let you I've know that her pictures on your phone right there I'm not pulling out my phone but I'm telling you it's there yep right there and my wife is so embarrassed to see because why when a woman knows that you find her beautiful that's huge never pictured let her know it okay no any case I make sure that this fella knows that he better than that ever get the idea to his wife that he does not find her attractive but I said you sit down with your wife and you do the following listen I want you to know I love you you're great you take care of the kids and you and what you do for us is amazing and astonishing but I'm at work there are a lot of young women there they're very attractive I only want to have eyes for you I only want have eyes for you and I don't want to look at other women but it's a lot easier if you thinner and it's not so easy for me if you little overweight you say that one time and you say if if you can I'll support you I'll provide the money for the personal trainer for the nutrition class whatever it is and if not I understand and then you're quiet and you'll walk away and you give your wife one month 30 days 30 days you don't say a word you don't open a mouth you don't utter a single thing after 30 days of silence but it's from the last utterance about this issue and if you nag in between another 30 days later but assuming that you're silent for 30 days you get a second shot to sit down with your wife at a good time when things aren't troubled when things aren't you know suitable and you sit down and you begin by saying how valuable she is to you how precious she is to you how much you appreciate what she does for you and I only want to have eyes for you and no one else but this is an issue there's a problem if you can't I understand but if you can it's great and then you and you don't say another word for 30 more days and you get one more shot and that's it the third time you're done you're done you do not nag you do not hang you do not harangue you do not bother you do not leave pictures of you know slimfast and all kinds of new diet things on the you shut your mouth and understand that change is difficult and it could well be my wife will change it could be she won't but I'm going to embrace whatever choice she's able to do and and this is such a you sewed on both sides and with Itza that it's incredible because there are many many things that your spouse does that bother you and it's just the way of nature and there are many many things that you're going to have to embrace you have every right to express you have every right into the open you have every right to tell your spouse what you need why it should be but do it with wisdom after three times of sitting down like a mensch with your wife and explaining to what it means to you and why it's important I guarantee she gets it and if she's not going on that diet it's because there's just too much going on in her life right then give her another six months maybe the year but right now it's not gonna happen and unfortunately if you don't learn this lesson and instead you hang in your nag and your bother and you're going to not get a skinnier wife you're just gonna get a lot of shell and bias problems so rule number one in communication is that you are a best friend and you're understanding some things will go your way some things won't go you a little request you proceed with the words what do you think about it big requests you sit down and you express what you need why it's important to you and then you recognize it might work it might not work okay now one word that's very important also ladies when the basic dish was destroyed the war ended prophecy ended with the termination of the Second Temple era why do I say that because women have this sort of sense that their husbands should into it many things now I want you to understand something your husband is not a nosy no he's not a prophet he does not get it and I guarantee there are many many things that you'll be astounded at what he doesn't get a husband and a wife are looking at the living room in the living room is the newspaper on the floor kind of skits on the pages splattered out back and forth to the husband it's clean living room with a newspaper pick up a newspaper he's fine right through to the wife plays a piece thigh it's disgusting I'm so embarrassed now they're looking at the exact same scenario but they're seeing very very different things would you like to know when that woman was in the kitchen cooking and her husband was on the couch was he a callous creep was he a louse no he happens to be a nice guy I know you know why he was sitting there reading believe it or not ladies listen to him saying he didn't get it what do you think get oh my girl forget it well my sister would know everybody know that I'm sitting and slaving the kids are ripping how could he not get it he's a guy he's sitting there doing this thing he had a long day at work he sat down on the couch and he's tired and he doesn't get it and so many times you assume that your spouse my wife didn't pick up the dry-cleaning and she knows that a big meeting tomorrow how did you do this to me she didn't know so here's the point the second rule of communicate you have to communicate help to communicate means your husband doesn't have neva your wife doesn't know everything and you got to be very open and candid okay