The Marriage Seminar #7: Proper Communication - Who's the Boss? - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] okay it's 6:30 at night time comes home from a long day at work and he walks into the apartment plumps himself down on the couch and takes out the New York Times that's reading it okay that will make it better he takes unwish nice okay takes it rich nineties and starts to learn English next okay good meantime his wife is in the kitchen and she's cooking and she's cooking and as the steam from the pot Rises the steam from her ear rises as well why because she sing to herself I don't believe this guy's gonna sit there the three kids are ripping apart Department they're destroying the place I'm slaving away and he's just gonna sit there he's just gonna sit not do anything he's gonna sit there and as the steam rises her in her steam rises and it gets hotter and hotter and hotter until finally she's had it she puts down the towel walks into the living room points a finger at him and says alright mister up off that couch you're either cooking dinner or you taking care of the kids but you are not sitting there any longer so he dutifully obeys gets up takes care of the kids and lo and behold they put the kids to bed after everything is fine and well now folks was she correct so most women would say she's heroic she's correct she deserves a medal finally stands up and says what's right and I think everybody will agree that he's a creep if your wife is slaving away and the kids ripping apart the apartment get up off the couch and do something right so everyone would agree that she is right in feeling he's acting like a creep and everybody will agree that he's acting like a creep however at the same time I'd also like to share with you that she did something very very damaging to her marriage and I'll explain to what I mean okay and they bathed the kids they put him in and finally it's quiet time after and I'm sitting there and his wife decides she wants a little spindle of time with her husband so she sits down right next to him and he kind of like moves away so she moves a little closer and he moves away further and she was closed and he was further and for the life of her she can't figure out what's the problem oh wow why is he distancing himself what's the problem we'd like to know what the problem is and the problem is for the past two hours like the tape in his brain I've been playing all right mr. Bostic ouch he's at cooking dinner where you take your kids all right mister up off that couch you either cook dinner or making mister for two hours it's been playing in his brain over and over and over until he reaches the obvious conclusion I married a drill sergeant and guess what nobody wants to be real cozy with a drill sergeant so this is the point she is right and yet she did something very damaging to her marriage he is wrong and yet they're not in a good place and therefore you and I'd like to share with you is what's essential for a successful marriage besides everything else is something called communication now communication are you stopping to be a look for sokka's again about where you live that's not communicating and not at all and it's not at all communicating see ideas are information communication is a method of getting across the message to another human being and I'd like to share with you some your so dos about communication first we're going to start with requests and then we're going to deal with complaints how do you make a request of your spouse and then we're gonna deal with how do you complain about your spouse to your spouse etc so let me begin with the following here's a question I want you to answer this question in your mind I asked only one thing don't raise your hand don't blow doubt the answer I asked that when I asked the question you answer it here's the question you ready question is in your marriage who is the boss who's the boss who is don't answer that lap please ladies it's gonna be very ugly no don't do this in your mind in your mind with your mouth closed please answer this question in your marriage who is the boss okay and we're going to answer okay I'm going to give you the right answer in your marriage you know who the boss is no one is the boss equal partners different roles but equal partners your partners together when you went under the chuppah it wasn't to take on a master it wasn't to take on a boss it wasn't to take on someone who's in charge and even though that may sound funny it's not funny at all because there are so many times when husbands and wives take on this role as it listen I'm in charge of this here this is my I'm in charge of this this is my domain and I I'm the autocrat here I'm the one who would unilaterally decide and if you don't think I'm right and just watch carefully here I'll give you a little exercise if you ever say to your husband you know I decided to invite your brother and wife and kids for a week okay you ever say to your wife you know I hired a painter to paint the downstairs because the place was really looking terrible you ever find yourself saying something like we're going to my parents for Shabbos we're gonna go here for pizza ever go so I'll show you what I mean I have a little exercise from now on and perceived those words with the following what do you think about what do you think about you see if no one's the boss then in everything our questions now listen there may be certain areas that we both agree certain areas that you should be in charge - charge woman asked me an interesting question she said in her family she is in charge with finances and her husband's fine with it is that okay I said fine listen if that's in your family that's how it's working out well and there is no issues then it's fine and by the way it is a very wise person my Rebbe there sugar that's all used to say over and over men stay out of the domestics a house is a woman's domain it represents so why'd you wife so embarrassed in a place as a mess you ever notice that you place to be pretty clean but it's a little bit something and your wife is hugely embarrassed because the house represents her and it's her it's her domain it's her area and it represents gentlemen stay out of the domestics ladies stay out of the rockiest I'll tell you a little story that's very interesting there's a fellow in the colon for the time who they made that kind of arrangement and after a few years of marriage his wife everything was going well except for some reason it bothered her one of the shooters at South sheet2 there she had a particulars about soda caps on Shabbos and it bothered her and for a good number of time she would ask her husband asked her husband and it really bothered her a lot and apparently at some point she said you know who she was dead already come on a couple of years I mean he was talking about metal soda caps he's a plastic soda how you know it still applies that you know supplies anyway she decided that so I'm thinking thing that bull by hands by the horns she took out a English from earshot miss kill us and started learning through the whole saga he didn't say a word she learns at page if the page of the page he didn't say anything the next morning she comes down and finds in the living room the couches over here the chairs over here the whole place is rearranged it's just what's going on what's what's with the room he said listen remember we got married we agreed we're gonna follow her she was gonna stay added message she was saying a roofless so can I see that we we're no longer doing it so I tell you sure that always thought the couch really belongs here and needless to say with the end of the Sony cap issue so here's the point it is a wise couple who follow certain guidelines and if in your own family you find that it's better for your wife to take care of this the husband to take care of that and they make the unilateral one side in decisions that's fine but you see it's by agreement you've both agreed that you're in charge of this but no one becomes the autocrat to take over to take charge of it and etc okay so that's number one before we start number one now number two this is one of the most important things to think about how do you argue as a friend right let's say you have an issue you're gonna bring up your husband with your wife and you know that it's gonna be a contentious issue it's no it's gonna be one of those hot issues here's the question how do you argue as a friend anyone know the answer to that question I guarantee you don't know the answer to that question why because you cannot argue as a friend the minute you're arguing your adversarial you're no longer a friend now a friend of your own friends argue friends could argue all the time but when you're arguing you're not acting as a friend you're acting as an adversary you're acting as one again how do I know him right by the way I can solve 50% of all arguments in every marriage in this country 50% well a very simple thing husband or wife are you ok good timeout stop change positions you sir I want you to argue her position madam I want you to argue her ok all your opposition she's saying that I mean she's saying that she what are you saying yeah what are you saying what do you you ever noticed when you're arguing you don't even hear the other person you're not listening you're not attune and this is the first first year sewed before you're going to make a large request let's make it very simple let's imagine for a minute there's something that's really important to you I'll give you one example you want to go away for the summer you want to go to the bungalow and money's tight and you discussed it with your husband etcetera but you've had it the kids are driving you crazy and it's just beyond beyond beyond and you really feel it's important how do you do that rule number one you are approaching as a friend as best friends who love each other now ladies I may get in big trouble for revealing this secret and if you think I'm kidding I'm not this is one of those really really powerful secrets that works amazingly the next time you want something from your husband you know make sure I just want to tell you this is very important to me it's really you know it's important because it's this and it's that really point to me you listen at the end of the day if it can't be done I understand but I just want to know it's very very important to me and I trust your judgment oh do you know how powerful that is do you know how pal I'll tell you pal first I do not smoke cigars I don't I don't smoke cigars I used to love cigars I loves it sec as a ribbing rancher so you often drive into New York as a five-hour trip I start out with a big long fat cigar my kids when a real Lily say you know if the three for how was the cigar gets shorter enjoy now but what happened to your cigar I used to smoke all the time I used to love it one day my wife said to me you know that's a good feels a little dangerous and I said in that office really it's not like cigarettes said her she said please stop do it for me please Oh 22 years later I haven't touched a cigar even Castro died Cuban cigars now I won't touch a cigar why had she said one if a fee helps stop it you better not do it I'd be smoking today like a chimney please do it for me mmm that's the underhanded devious deceitful okay ladies do you I'm saying what I'm saying to you is that if you're going to use a little bit of wisdom Aisha Mubeen Sbisa you know there's a very wise woman who once said the man may be the head but the woman's the neck and the neck can make the head turn any way it wants let your husband think he's in charge especially on the little stuff especially on the little stuff let him have his way let him have it and on the big stuff you'll be able to mold them like putty now will this work every time no it's not gonna work every time for as well there are two people in this union but number one I guarantee it'll be much more effective than what you do now and it also will not hurt your Shawn bias at all you see what you're doing is as a friend you're approaching a friend and saying this is important to me I'm expressing my needs I'm telling you what I need if it can't be done I understand but if it can be that'd be great women it's usually significantly effective gentlemen as well and that's how you approach a very big question you're coming as a friend and the words you're saying are if it can be done and again ladies we could say the words because you're dealing with a male ego if it's you know I trust your judgment I trust your judgment Wow Wow if you could say with a straight face assuming you could say with a straight face you have no idea what you just bought inside he's smiling before questioning everything how I Drive how I walk now she trusts my okay but assuming in that that he really believes it you will have bought yourself so much a good will be such a design don't you understand jimp them in love to be heroes guys love to come to them up to the plate and really shine give your husband a chance to to do that and you'll you'll do much better so number one and you're coming as a friend and so when you're doing little requests it's always preceded by the words what do you think about it's not a unilateral decision it's not a command it's a what do you think about when it comes to a big request you say it as a friend I feel I need it's very important to me if it can be done and be great and again if you could add the words I'll trust your judgment it's even better but again it's as a friend