The Marriage Seminar #1: Love is the Glue - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] in this country in 1901 the divorce rate was approximately 6% currently in this country the divorce rate is 50% hovering higher or lower and even though that's the secular world and obviously the Froome world has a very different environment and barakah Shem a different world we live in but even in the from world the divorce rate is rising at alarming rates and I'd like to ask the obvious question our Boehm young quorum you serious a blonde 40 days before person was born Hashem says be toshi-low Neela plenty the daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so a shams job is to me sobbing zebu King so the question is what's happening it used to be that a person would get married and the expectation was they would marry the person and remained married the question is what happened why is it that no longer is it an assumption that people were remain married to that person what has occurred and I'll sort of be funny about this I'll give you two choices maybe you'll tell me a sham is no longer so good at doing what a sham does maybe shams no longer able to find the matches and I think that's pretty silly and I think the reality is something very very different and that reality is that people no longer act as they used to people no longer understand marriage people no longer understand gender differences and there's a tremendous amount of things that people do to ruin their marriages if you ask people in the know and I mean to savor abundant or very familiar with the issue you ask marriage surface I think the figure is approximately 80% of divorces that happen should not be meaning to say it's not that the mismatched and it's not that he or she have some deep psychological issue I deal with hundreds of couples and I'd like to share with you the vast vast majority of them are good happy wholesome people who just fundamentally don't understand what marriages fundamentally don't understand what they're supposed to do and because of that and because of the time I spend with people I've sort of identified all the ten areas I call them the 10 really dumb mistakes they're very smart couples make and tonight I'll share with you some of them in the beginning of them and hopefully we'll get involved we'll try to see if we could better understand this institution called marriage and what in fact a sham want from us so let's begin Marcia's video opens up modem runs out he sees on the horizon three people he assumes that they're regular people he doesn't know their millat him he bowed down full face into ground alna tava meld only pleased in a pass he rushes them in he gives him some water prepares an entire laborat Avram Aveeno stands over them like a waiter while they eat at a certain point one of the Menachem turn to Avram and say uh yay Sarah Estella we're sorry your wife now if you think about it that's rather rude here's a man just welcomed you in her here prepares a meal gives you food stands over you like a waiter and you're asking about his wife and Rashi points out that these were Malachi Shari's things were not just more of him the highest level of --ml of him yo dem ha u they knew exactly where sir Amina was so why then did they ask ok they'll have of ABBA Amy by law to make her more beloved in his eyes you see if they would ask the question Alvin would say he made he but oh well she's not outside she's not in the limelight she's it's Noah when Avram Avena would say those words he would further appreciate her modesty that would make her more beloved in his eyes they asked that question overstepping their bounds maybe a little bit in order to make Avram better appreciated Sarah was to make a more beloved in his eyes now here's the question on that Rashi we're not dealing with newlyweds not genre genre they married quite a while at this point and we're dealing with people who are extraordinarily extraordinarily great if you ask anyone what is the most difficult problem to overcome in any marriage its self-centeredness when the world begins and ends in your dolmas when I am the center of the universe it's very difficult to be married to me you're dealing with two of the most other centered individuals you could ever imagine avril lavigne whose entire life is dedicated to the people sorry Minos his entire life was dedicated to helping you deal with two such tsadikim the show and bias the love the bond is almost unimaginable as a matter of fact the morale says never in the course of history was this type of Union this type of connection this type of bond between husband and wife is unmatched unparalleled never before and apparently never again so here's the question why did the Moluccan feel that it's necessary to make Avram appreciate a more lover more their shell and bias was not exactly in jeopardy but if you don't appreciate it yet let's watch the next step sorry I mean I was listening and she hears the menachem give him a surah next year this time you're going to have a child but Hiscox arabic here both surah laughs inside saying how could this be I said ball steely Heights all the Edna I physically can have children Vado knees up cane and my husband is old sorry man who said it can't be later on when a Shem says to Avram why did Sarah laugh what does a Shem say a Shem says why did Sarah laugh saying that she's too old to have children and the problem is that's not what a shame that's not what sort of said I'm sorry I said I physically can't have children and my husband is too old but a sham changed it a Shem said why the Souris laugh saying that she is too old and Rashi points out she no cursive the posix changed the exactness of the words and why meet initial for Shalom you know the lucky as you love to life shown bias so if it could be a Shem excuse my expression Shem changed the truth and why because a Shem didn't want to other the words your wife said you're too old to have children so I shouldn't changed it a sham said sorry I said that she's too old now folks let's focus on this for a minute Avraham Avinu did not grow up in a juvenile centered culture he didn't grow up in a world where teenagers are in charge he grew up in a world and where as this old older man he was revered every year of his life was growth oriented in every year of his life he became another greater greater person he had by the way another 76 years to go he wasn't exactly decrepit but he was at an age of life where he was such a gov Robert such a tremendous individual and he was usually proud of it let's in fact say that Hashem repeated it and Soros said that you're too old do you think I'm from lien was a very sore insulted oh you should cut their ass I don't think our Vito would have been broken by it I don't think it would have been ruined his day so why I shall have to change why not shame if it could be the whole solution is amiss why did it have to be that Hashem have to change to say almost a lie and I think when we focus on these two questions and hopefully see the answer I think we'll get a different appreciation of this thing called marriage and particularly what's required and to do that let me share with you an interesting observation in the time of the Gemara in the Romans had a tremendous reverence for the four common it was not like now in fact the Catholic Church really didn't begin taking hold until the fourth century and you'll see many discussions between a maryam and roman nobles etc and in case' marriage brings a conversation between a macron a very very wealthy woman and reveals typical often and this wealthy woman wanted to discover a little bit more about religion she wanted to find out more about what Torah is about and she asked reveal sabaha laughter what is a Shem do so miracle after explained the first a sham created the entire world in six days and then his woman said and since that time what is a Shem involved in the real Sabbath laughter said since that time Hashem is Madhavi eggs evoking she makes matches the daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so the daughter so-and-so to so-and-so and this woman says what takes a shame to do that I could do that so severe sabaha laughter if to you it's easy you should just know that to shame it's difficult as Korea's yam sauce which woman says huh that's ridiculous I have a thousand slaves I can easily do it she leaves and the richer's tells us that night she matches up her 1000 slaves to the 1000 maid servants you to you you to you to you and she makes an entire 1000 matches okay the next day she comes to her plantation and she sees this guy's got a black eye this guy is limping this guy's got a broken arm what's going that woman you gave me that guy you give she goes running back to real super caliph the tourist and MSU tourists truth your God is true everything you said is true and here's the point marriage is a very very difficult union and if you think about it not a single marriage should work why because when you take two individuals and ask them to do everything together for the rest of their lives it's very unlikely that it's gonna succeed I'll show you what I mean I have a little bit of business advice and a few other business and assuming you're doing well higher talent if you need marketing people hire talent you need accounting services higher talent higher whatever you need but whatever you do don't bring in a partner wine because every partnership ends maybe five years maybe 10 years maybe 15 but every almost every partnership ends and typically it ends very very badly why because when you take two people and they begin growing a company initially they get along fine and well but eventually I want to take the company this way you want to take it that way and before you know it it's ten years at 20 years it's over but here's the point a business is a nine-to-five one element of a person's life and yet it's very unusual to have partners who actually get along well for any length of time when you ask a husband and wife to get married and you're not asked him to spend their nine-to-five everything that they're going to do from that point on they're gonna do together how they raise the kids you know type of house who where they vacation whether they vacation and what type of if she's late he's late if he keeps the place a mess then she suffers you're asking two people to join together in everything they do and if you think about it it should never work but if you don't appreciate why it should never work let me share with you one very important observation men and women are different they're not casually different not so topically different they're different in temperament a different in Outlook and different perspective different and emotionality men and women are so vastly different that they share almost nothing in common I'll give you an example Daniel Goleman wrote a book called emotional intelligence and in this book he writes about a study that they did with public school kids and they took a large group of three year old public school children who headed in that environment and they asked the following question they asked the boy is one question and the girls this similar question they asked the boys to name your best friend fifty percent of the boys named the girl as his best friend they asked the three year old girls the same question fifty percent of the three year old girls named a boy as her best friend same group of children when they were five twenty percent of the boys named a girl as his best friend and only twenty percent of the girls named the boy as a best friend by the time that group was seven years of age not a single boy named a girl as his best friend not a single girl named a boy as her best friend why isn't because of two three years of age that juvenile stage boys girls it's about the same they played together very nicely once they hit four and five boys and girls are playing very different games boys are playing with trucks and rough-and-tumble games and other playing with dolls really soft and easy games by the time they're seven those two groups are so far apart they've almost nothing in common and if you're not sure that I'm right just go to a public school go to the yard at recess the classes are all mixed yet when the children go out to recess you'll see the boys off on one side playing the girls off on the other side and the two groups don't play together why because they have different interests different things they enjoy different ways of playing different is talking different ways of everything they have nothing to do with one another they might all be from two different planets and here's the point those differences don't become less as the boys and girls get older it's not like by the time they're 12 other pretty the same or by the time they're 18 oh and they're identical those differences become far more different than the two groups become far more apart and here's the observation when you take a hustle and you take a caller you taking developed people mature people each brought up in their own home each brought up with their families way of doing things each of them with an entire perspective on life and you're dealing with people from vastly different genders and from that moment on you're asking them to join and live together in peace and harmony but to do everything together if you think about it not a single marriage should ever work every marriage should end very quickly very bitterly now obviously a Shem doesn't want that to happen and a sham created different tools that allows a couple to successfully navigate life to be happily married the first tool is something called infatuation infatuation is when the hustling comes back and he gets that glass I'd look oh and you can see he's he's not there it's not there now if you were to ask the psychologist to sort of like define it a little bit of dementia I don't know some psychosis a little bit of I don't really know I definitely obsessive I mean it's not a normal state of mind as a matter of fact and they scientists now measure the neuro chemistry you know the the chemicals in the brain so the adrenaline serotonin and dopamine they say that this state of infatuation has a similar effect to a person as does cocaine as in capsule kinda goes up in the chest and the Husson the collar are gone they think differently they act differently they're almost like did different people and I'd like to share with you why Ashim created this state of infatuation you see they look at each other with very different eyes the collar she's perfect she's good I can't say how many cloths on him I've comfy she's a fun guy Wow okay and by the way folks let me share with you an honest moment over here my wife is one of the sharpest people I know we were engaged and then I heard her on the phone with a friend and she said something like this I know it can't be I know I don't know what's perfect I'm telling you he's perfect and I'm sitting there saying I ain't gonna be the one to tell you this but you're in for a rude awakening but here's the point in that state of infatuation they're violins playing birds chirping and the hustle and Kalla begin their very difficult job of melding two lines but in that temporary state of almost insanity they're able to look at what the other does and say it's perfect it's good it's okay and a sham created the state of infatuation for a very particular purpose to allow a fussing and a caller to begin that difficult stage of starting their life together melding two lines now I don't know the exact number but a very high statistic of about six months after the wedding either he or she sometimes both wake up one morning and say the words oh my goodness oh my gosh oh no I made the biggest mistake of my life I married the wrong one it's not that they married the wrong one infatuation world and then they discover that the person that they're married to is not perfect he's okay got a lot of mileage he's also got some shortcoming she's wonderful but she has you know sort of things and I believe this is the first really dumb mistake that very smart couples make they mistake infatuation for love infatuation has a shelf life infatuation is the Husson looks into the collars eyes and he's gone it's automatic it's instant it doesn't take work but it has a very limited shelf life six months a year but that's it then it's gone it's kind of like the sulfur on the kitchen match you're supposed to strike it so it flames up but then the wood has to catch the job of the couplers then to work on the bond of love the bond of respect the real connection between husband and wife and many many couples make a fatal error early on in their marriage they wake up one morning the infatuation is gone and they assume that this is it and what they fail to realize is this is it it's time to get to work but the work is to build a real connection to rebuild a real bond of love and in that bond of love is vital is essential for the success of a marriage and let me ask you the question okay here we go today what is the leading cause of divorce today what's the leading cause anyone want to offer the leading cause of divorce today so everybody has their opinion some people say well it's fighting about the kids it's about the in-laws it's the religion it's immaturity it's it's what it's selfishness that's a good one selfishness everyone has a theory as to the leading cause of divorce I also have a theory I claim that the leading cause of divorce today is fighting fighting but of course fighting but it's the in-laws and the kids and the religion and the selfish is that they're fighting about right nope not true at all not true at all it's how they handle the issues it's not the in-laws it's not the kids it's not the selfishness it's how they deal with the issues that are going to come up in their life how do I know this to be true first of all and studies show that 70% of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference an irreconcilable difference means a difference that can't be reconciled it is no solution for instance he has a business in Manhattan she has severe allergies and she needs to live in San Diego Chicago Kenna doesn't cut it right I mean he wants to bring the kids up in a Cedars your background and she wants a lip phishing Shiva you can't send the kids around with pay us on one side it just doesn't work an irreconcilable difference means there is no solution 70% of couples have at least one major life issue that has no reconciliation and yet they succeed very nicely but more than that if you pay attention to the issues that couples fight about it's never big deal stuff it's the most tiny minutia the most silly little almost I'm embarrassed to say but you know all of them from the toothpaste ooh which way which way the toilet paper rolls outwards and what do you work on that one go think but when you see the trivial issues that couples fight about what you begin to realize it has nothing to do with the issues it has everything to do with the relationship has everything to do with the climate in the marriage and folks I would like to share with you what should be obvious but unfortunately isn't and that is if the climate of your marriage is one of respect and love your marriage has a very good chance of being very very happy very very successful if the climate of love and respect is not there in a marriage you are toast you're in very very dire straits John Gottman is a very well-known psychologist and he's done studies after study after study and he's got it down to a science with 92% accuracy he can tell whether a couple are headed to divorce or not they'll bring him into his lab and I'll ask them put them in the chairs he videotapes he puts monitors on their pulse on their sweat and he monitors everything and he's able to tell with 92% accuracy whether within 5 years that couple will be together or divorced but he explains what's the secret when he plays back the videotape what he's looking for is one simple sign the ratio of contempt to favorable responses contempt is that like rolling the eyes on there she goes again if he sees too many can acts of contempt to acts of oh I hear what you're saying they're toast why because in the heavy traffic of life if there isn't a real respect if there isn't a real bond of love a connection between husband and wife they are going to end up victory and fighting about everything and anything and study your own marriage or other people and you'll note even if you're getting along very well what'd you fight about or never big deal stuff if there's a climate of love the climate of respect if that connection there bond between husband and wife is powerful and strong the marriage succeeds and if not it is very very difficult you see folks Hollywood got it 100% correct except backwards in the world out there in the world that the media portrays and then Hollywood loves to just put out there in that world we fell in love so we got married well then we fell out of love so we got unmarried in our world and we don't get married for love I marry this person because I believe that this is the person that a sham wants me to share my life with this is my life's partner but well we don't get married for love if there isn't a powerful bond of love and connection in your marriage I guarantee you are going to suffer miserably even if you don't get divorced you're never gonna get along very well at all this bond of love in this respect his connection is the panacea it's the solution to so many of life's problems and there's so many things and then if that's there somehow it's ok listen with two reasonable people my way your way doesn't matter anyway somehow it is that you managed to get through life but if that connection if that bond between husband and wife is not there that marriage is in very very deep trouble and now folks I got that part that I don't love saying it's gonna be a little hard to swallow but I gotta say it anyway are you ready okay here we go hmm you are a difficult person to live with you I'm not pointing notice you are a difficult person to live with you are either too early or too late too sloppy to me too obsessive to an obsessive - chill back Joe I guarantee every one of us have in his idiosyncrasies squirts stuff listen I'll make it very plain we will put on the planet to grow and accomplish if you were perfect you'd be done your job here be time to leave I hope you understand that you have work to do but you see this understanding in that I am a difficult person to live with is one of these sodas to a happy marriage I cannot tell you how many couples I get in front of me who say the following how come nobody walks into ya rabbee you don't sold my fault I made a bet you know nobody nobody nobody the best I get the best I get is somebody says listen around me I'm not saying outside the 40% I agree it's 40% my fault forty percent means forty percent means what I do is like clean a kite but she you know how from that's the real problem okay so let me make it very clear you are a difficult person to live with and if you want to get serious about life you want to get serious about growing you have to look in that mirror and point to that person there and say I get it I'm not the easiest person in the world to get along with I definitely got my stick I got my stuff and that lesson is probably one of the most important lessons you have to remember and you have to keep in the forefront of your mind we'd like them to stay in raashi I believe is very simple Avram Avinu sorry Meno had a beautiful beautiful connection a bond as the Merrill says that never in the course of history what two people soaked together but there were more levels that could be reached and there were additional levels they were 99.9 but there was a little bit more that could be added the Malakand felt you gave us we should give you back something they had Avram Venus say those words could de la blow up in a baila to make a beloved why because that would increase his feeling of attachment his feeling of involvement and that was something that they would be able to give to album and if you'd like to understand how delicate it is a sham change the words believe me Avram Avena would not have been broken up until he saw it called me an old man but somehow would scratch the surface it would have been a tiny little tiny scratch and that little scratch was something that vertical felt was important enough that a Shem was misciagna Hashem changed and I believe there's a lot to learn from this gazelle and number one the bond of love in a marriage is essential it's vital it's either going up or it's going down and chi'lan bias is Kadosh so wholly that a Shem himself agreed to have his name erased from a SOTA so holy and that in fact here didn't want there to be the slightest scratch and this understanding that the bond of love and connection is vital to success of marriage is the basics of everything hence the basics to successful marriage okay good I get a phone call I get a few of them a day okay I get a phone call and a woman says rabbi thank you so much for thinking a call I really appreciate it um here's a story my husband he's a good guy he's a tomahawk he's a responsible father and he's really good guy but I just I said what I just I don't love him I don't love him how long you married 11 years uh-huh okay so I've been here before so obviously I asked the question without question what's the question madam last month how many times did you and your husband go out book uh doesn't mean like to a wedding or to go I mean you and your husband went out to just enjoy each other's company just spend time together how many times last month did you go out silence okay how about the month before silence and months before that silence I don't have to go any further so I said listen with all due respect isn't it obvious if you're not gonna work on the connection if you're not gonna work on the romantic part of your marriage guess what you're going to be like two ships passing in the night you could have all the same ideals all the same goals and you could respect your husband but if you're not bonded if you're not connected if there isn't a real love in the marriage guess what you're gonna find yourself in totally different places and the love and the marriage requires work and work means going out and working means spending time with each other work means everything from little phone calls to texts to love notes and I'm gonna say these words I don't know why I should be embarrassed about it but I had to say it because you got to be honest every once in a while I don't have any daughters right now and she'd look himself fine and good you should be having an ongoing love affair with your spouse and if you're not then there's something lacking in the marriage and you got to work on it first and foremost you got to spend time at least once a week you go out you go out not to discuss business of the house not to discuss the kids you go out to just enjoy each other's company you spend time together and you climb into each other's emotional world you bond you connect and unfortunately many times I've had women who are sometimes guys I say go out what would we talk about and I'm not gonna talk about the kids and then finally what we that's pretty sad responds that's all used to say the courtship must continue when you were going out as hustling caller when you're going out initially you knew exactly what to say how to say you have to continue it you have to keep it going and if you're not going to spend time in this area if you're not going to spend time bonding to your spouse if you're not going to spend time together guess what the love and the marriage is going to wane it's going to start fading and I don't care how much you are aligned I don't care how connected you are if there isn't that bond of love if there isn't a vibrant sense of attachment between you you are going to find yourself in very very difficult waters however every time I say this that you have to go out once a week by the way I've won Talmud one time that oh I know anytime night or day he'll pick up the phone whenever I call he picks up the phone any one time I call on two pick up talking anything what was next day I called him he needed something and I said well I guess let's not your bit he said read me don't you remember I said what years ago you told me to make a date night with my right every Tuesday night I go out so my phone's off I said wow if you're not going to literally do this but I know people don't really believe me when I say I mean go out once a week once a week once once it elephant once a week once all week you go out not not to wedding not to your mother not to your in-laws you go out with your husband and what you do is you connect you spend time you talk you enjoy each other's company but you do it once a week now every time I make that suggestion I get a lot of pushback what once a week you mean once a year right I mean once a week okay well how can I do that who can afford that I mean who could afford it so I have a very simple answer who could afford it I have one simple answer go to a divorce attorney find out what what the costs of the divorce are running to a household but my husband he's crazy busy there's no way we can actually spend touch like that kind of time okay fine again let's imagine two households how busy each you will be separately running in your households rabbi this is unreasonable it's just an unreasonable request if I'm not home every night my kids will not do homework they're not gonna eat supper well it's just not fair to my kids I cannot sacrifice my children's success for this idea of going out just just not okay so ladies listen to me on this one because this is much more women guys don't I've never heard that from the guy ever I can't go I gotta make sure my kids do homework okay so here we go ladies I'll make it very clear the single greatest gift you could give your children is a good marriage because especially when your children are little you are the center of gravity to your children mommy and daddy mommy and Alba are the essence of everything if there's friction if there's disdain if there's lack of respect it's so destructive to a child why because mommy and Alba they don't get along and if you're not going to spend time together if you're not going to go out once a week if you're not really going to do this and you're going to find yourself in a very difficult space and I guarantee if your daughter does not know every run Bonanomi she'll do guns fine if your son didn't do the math homework he'll be all right but if you're showing bias it's not intact mmm it's not so simple and the only way it's gonna be intact is if you spend time if you bond if you connect and there is no other way folks if someone held my feet to the fire once I said this a number of years ago and the woman of the block brought a CD to my wife and said wow I can't believe you your husband takes you out every week Wow okay Suzanne idea you got a deal okay but folks I mean this note again it doesn't mean that you have to spend $1,000 doesn't mean you have to go to the Ritz call it doesn't you have to go you you have to spend time together you have to spend time playing an evening by the way I'm a big advocate also after taking vacations vacations don't have to mean exotic escapes you take a hotel a night or two and you should do it regularly it regularly means every three months or so you and your husband go away do you know that very successful people do this and I don't accept that your busier than anybody else we're all busy being busy every waking moment of your life is well claimed that is the trick of a sudden in our generation and unless you decide that I am the master of my destiny I am responsible for my life and I will chart the course of my life unless you make those choices and you end up doing what everybody does being busy and busy and busy what are they doing I couldn't tell you but they're busy and busy and busy and busy but every once in a while you wake up and you say wait a minute I don't have to succumb to what everybody else is doing and you're playing your life even when you plan your life you plan once a week to take your wife out you plan vacations regularly every three to four months a short but it means a night or two in a tent again it doesn't have to be the most glorious place in the world it could be a regular place you find someone to watch the kids and you go out there's an anti soul by the way for a very exotic resort and it was such a brilliant line it said and some couples go for marriage therapy some couples make reservations oh is that deep now I don't recommend you go to that particular place per se but that's the point if you're not going to spend time you're not gonna bond well guess what I don't care good you meet oh sorry I don't care how much aligned you are I don't care how much and you want to have a beautiful marriage you won't and there's nothing else for this there's nothing else that can excuse it but you'll say come on that's genre Shauna that's what not not us were married 10 years 15 years come on right how long was Sura and Avram married the Taurus condom tells us when they gave birth to you it's like they're married 75 years okay there's a year earlier I mean 74 years of marriage two of the greatest tsadikim who ever lived who had the greatest bond of connection in love and yet there was more love there's more work to be done I'm a-looking he wanted to add to it a shame didn't want to impair in the slightest level that love I guarantee your marriage is not quite what album of vino and sorry Minos WA was you were not married yet 75 years and if you think you're beyond this well I just got to ask you how good is your marriage and I got a guarantee the simplest way to tell by the way you want to have a bit of marriages awful this is so easy I'm just nasty I shouldn't tell you this but I can tell you right away I got instant instant read just listen to the way a woman describes her husband the opening words if their words of respect admiration most like it's good marriage I mean it restarts carping complaining oh yeah I know where this is at okay I got it I got it so ladies you uh this one's up to you you know where the marriage that you know where the relationship is that but gentlemen prints on both sides of the fence it's on both sides and it's something you have to look at something have to work on and here's what I call the second and the really dumb mistakes not continuing to work on the love in the marriage not continuing do the things you have to do which includes sending love notes and text and doing everything that a romantic couple needs to do and each couple has their own balance and own things but you got to do it okay not one more about five years after the wedding many people have this sort of moment of realizing you know my husband's good guy my wife okay you know but honestly I could have done better no I could have no complaint for the time it's a sham okay but I could have done better I could have married somebody smarter a funnier faster a richer i I I know I could have done better okay no I also deal with young people going out and invariably you know you get that to hell things going good you enjoyed a jailing folk didn't get it yet but but what but I feel like it did better I feel like it's better so what do you say when they say that I could be better it's like telling a very simple thing and ladies this one you'll appreciate I believe no here we go your sister's weddings coming up okay so you gotta get a dress you shopping jump you find it's a great dress wow you set up perfect the only thing is with new dress of course you need new pair of shoes look so you look and you look can't find a thing you're looking you look and we kept weak finally it's three days before the wedding during I'm panic oh my goodness you walk into DFW and there it is oh my goodness Oh leather it's so fashionable it's gorgeous the perfect pair and they're on sale 50% off Wow it's amazing only one problem the shoes the two sizes too small but I can't imagine but look at it's gorgeous and it's half right you buy him can you wear him your dance for four hours at your sister's wedding you take them off that night and you make an interesting discovery your feet are killing you because the leather can be fine it could be very fashionable but if the shoe doesn't fit it's gonna hurt I bet you you could find somebody smarter or richer or Betty Jesus or whatever you probably could and you could pass by the one you're going out with but if this is the one that a Shemp chose for you this shoe fits and you could pass it by and get someone taller and and funnier and more handsome but you're not gonna be happier because when the shoe doesn't fit it hurts and it pinches all day every day and folks I think that's another of the really dumb mistakes that many smart couples make it's number three and they wake up and they say the words I could have done better I could have married someone better and that's when you have to say to yourself I get it a Shem created the world and a Shem runs the world and a Shem chose this one for me so why do we fight why is it so difficult get along so I'll give you 50% of the answer would you want 50% of the answer look in the mirror look in the mirror and you'll see at least half of the answer and often more than that but she's the problem but he is the problem no it's hard go over to the mirror and say the words I get it I'm a difficult person to live with maybe it's not all my wife maybe it's not all her fault and then you begin working on a marriage and Ernest I think in the first year sowed and this is so important is there has to be a connection there has to be this romantic involvement if it's not there there is no hope there is no hope because if that isn't there and you're gonna be in dire straits and very difficulty and if you're not constantly increasing that if you're not spending time together it's gonna be over and after that you have to learn how to be successfully married let me do one more step I get a call a little while at home and the call sounds something like this and I wanted to drop the phone why because I had been schlepping that couple from marriage therapist to marriage therapist in the past two years to get them to change what was the problem and the problem was that he was a single most abusive individual I've ever seen in a marriage not so often once a month or so he would lose his temper but he would say such cutting damaging words that your hair would stand on end and he couldn't get it Oh uh-huh but I want to explain to you why he had this team of this wonderment well I can't say why she left okay I have a problem I have a temper I lost it so ghetto listen a day two days what's you got to get over it you gotta just let it go but he didn't understand was and he said words that cut into the essence of her when your best friend when the person you've opened your life to when the person that you rely on and your trust cuts deeply into the essence of you and keep in mind that husbands and wives know all the inner secrets the really hurtful words and hurtful weaknesses etc and when he would cut in it would really really hurt and it wasn't so quick for her to just recoil from that and it took a while it took a few weeks usually but he didn't get it and folks by the way if you have a severe temper it is very easy for you to be married of course it's not too easy to be married to you but you don't have a big problem being now what's our problem I have a temper okay I lose my temper once well okay and folks and this really is the sewed you see the first part of a marriage is that bond of love the connection and that's the fun part that's the easy part I kind of call it like blowing up a balloon you blow the balloon up it's nice and big it's filled up you spend time together your bond you connect and it's great and then we put pins in the balloon and and you gotta learn to stop putting pins in and pins at various different ways they could come into angry outbursts they could come at selfish behaviors they could come as annoying habits there are lots of pins the rest of what we're gonna do the rest of our work is going to be to sort of understand what communications about gender differences in understanding the various different things that one and the other each spouse does to contribute to the pins that go into the balloon but this first part is so easy 50% of Sean Byers problems are solved if you spend time together if you connect if you bond if you actually work on the love in the marriage 50% of problems go away and besides which it's fun it's not so difficult after you blown the balloon up you got to make sure that you don't pop holes in it you gotta make sure you don't put pins that will work on the future and but this is so any working on the bond of love isn't tremendous tremendous owed no marriage should succeed that sort of yo sabaha laughter was saying it's not so simple like you think and business partnerships don't work out and the reasons are very simple to human beings at different ways of looking at things different ways of approaching things and then two human beings are not gonna remain together that long a husband and wife are not asked to be business partners they're asked to join their lives together and they're so different by gender and men and women are incredibly different I have children by Akash m and I can tell you boys and girls are in different worlds totally totally different worlds and if you want to have a successful marriage you need that in essence that bond that love the first tool that Hashem gave us is infatuation infatuation has a shelf life there are many many couples who are so madly passionately infatuated when they got married and then marriages and many couples had almost no infatuation I know many many very happily married couples who are you know whatever okay but you work on the bond they work on the connection you begin sharing two lives together you begin really connecting in a very real way and the bond of love and groves and connects the first really dumb mistake they're very smart couples make isn't a they mistake infatuation for true love infatuation is instant you looked in his eyes and it was Wow it happened automatically who love requires a tremendous amount of work infatuation has a shelf life it's going to end the love keeps on getting stronger and stronger but the second really dumb mistake that many smart couples make is they forget to keep working on the bond of love I don't care if you married 10 years you married 20 years my wife in America Shama coming up on 30 years now and I love my wife and I hope I think she loves and she's not here she came tonight you can't say anything negative so okay but you got to keep working on that connection have to keep it improving because it's not growing it's going to shrink and many couples assume we're an autopilot we've got six kids it's enough come on I don't get it go out and spend time and you're gonna pay the price I think that's exactly what the Milan was showing us they wanted to add that sort of shame is showing by they could be changing in the language because it requires very very careful it's at the shmaaya and now I want to close with one last thought the single and most romantic line that I ever heard of my life was when my regulars shows it's a lot difficult time she was really good when she was at Southside head spits at a eulogy for his wife now she was older considerably older than the Rebbetzin the worship was sick for many years and everyone knew that the receiver would pass away before the Rebbetzin but it's not what happened the Rebbetzin took ill and very quickly she passed away and there she began up to say a respite and it was a very moving husband everything we did and we did together we built these Shiva together we built it to meet him together when tears fall together everything we did we did together I don't have to worry about my food she worried about my health more than I did everything we did we did together he said that line at least 12 times everything we did we did together and then he said these words I said a hostage I said he'd eulogy for my father I said it has been for my mother I cannot say I has been for my wife if I say a hasp it for my wife it's like saying a has been about myself I can't do it and he sat down and with those words or sure that's all defined a marriage connection bonded to human beings totally totally sharing a life but it doesn't come instantly it doesn't come automatically requires a lot of work the first part of the work is keeping that bond that love and keeping it alive and vibrant the rest of the work is not putting the pins in figuring out why it is that this bothers him so much why it is that this really sits are off and learning out to put them in the first part is easy building the love the rest of it requires a lot more work