The 'i Don't Need You' Trauma Response - Rabbi YY Jacobson

Because we're sometimes so deeply connected and we need that connection. But if I don't get that connection, you know what I say? I don't need you. I'll give you an example. A boy or a girl are growing up, very very emotional people. For whatever reason, a parent cannot give them the atonement they're looking for. That a deep deep atonement, I see you, I feel you. It's hard for the child every day to feel that pain again and again and again. So preverbal, sometimes at 6 months or 1 year or 2 years or 3 years. And in the studies of neuroscience and psychology, this is often articulated. The child comes to a conclusion that will help them survive. You know what that is? I don't need you. I really don't need you. I'm fine. There's a problem, I do need you. >> [laughter] >> I do need you, but I can't say that to me, it's too painful. I don't need you. You know who I need? I need me. In fact, I can't trust you. And if I can't trust my mother or father, I can't trust anybody in the world. I'll never trust another person again. And I know always to come back to me, I'm the only one I can trust. And I grow up in a posture, and what's that posture? That posture is, you're all going to betray me. I will not put my eggs in this basket. I will rely only on myself. I will be extremely hypervigilant in every relationship. I will never allow my heart to soften and be really vulnerable and crack open because there's a danger in that. I understand that. How does healing begin? Healing does not happen by me saying, I don't need you. It's not true. Attachment, I have not Maybe some of you will disagree with me, but it's fine. This is the truth. Attachment is something that is woven into the fabric of creation.