The Home Front: Make Your Spouse a Priority - Rabbi Yirmiyahu Abramov

[Music] welcome to the home front you know when a man and woman get married two lives combin two people combin two personalities combin but also two lives friends families today I'd like to speak a little bit about what to do when that creates a certain kind of friction what to do when one spouse for whatever reason Justified or unjustified disapproves of the company the others keeping Rabbi how do we approach differing social lives within a marriage I think that initially probably the best formula would be a complete Hiatus from the rest of the world let the young couple go to a desert island and spend a year or two completely alone and this way all their other prior um relationships just kind of dissipate in into the past um and with a focus fully and totally on the on themselves so let's imagine the highly improbable situation where that's not possible I see and uh let's try and think of some way that we can approximate that okay so um I agree with you it's probably um not a very Pro practical solution but the the idea is important that that's what we should aim for that's the concept the the idea is that you know the in the Torah there is a special Mitzvah it's a very a special commandment something which is completely unique and that is called shanar sh the first year of marriage has its own princip principles its own laws um and the time spent in this first year people should be investing tremendous amount of um attention to with each other getting to understand each other getting to interact and um in this first year it says that one should keep one's social contacts also to a minimum it doesn't mean that the cap will go off into isolation and the couple cut all their previous ties but they make it very clear known to all concerned family friends Etc that you know we now married and uh we now spending a lot of time bonding together um and of course we're delighted to have guests we're delighted to you know to share our lives with our parents and and and siblings and Friends Etc but give us a lot of our own space and I think this idea of giving space face is really the essence of this first year one of the great Umi commentary commentaries of several hundred years ago um said that in his mind he thinks that this first year Mitzvah really should continue throughout one's life that one should be all the time aware that a special new entity has been created husband and wife and um they've got to be really the the the majority of their the focus must be on each other now of course we don't live in an Ideal World and um shortly after honeymoon or after the initial excitement of the wedding the vacation time around the wedding is over he goes back to his situation she goes back to her situation they could be studying they could be um in the workplace whatever it is so obviously they're going back into their lives where they're spending a big chunk of their day away from each other um in an environment that they are familiar with and that they were part and parcel of beforehand so how do they conduct themselves in this manner so you know it's interesting um in Jewish law when a woman gets married um there's a very um clear indication that she's married she changes her mode of dress right in particular it's a a married woman um is obliged by halic law to cover her hair right she's making a statement to the world my hair hair is something which is very often the beauty of a woman is I mean so much attention is given to hair um that's reserved now for my husband right she's just making a kind of a statement to the rest of the world around her I'm erecting a little bit of a barrier around myself um I'm now a married woman and I have a husband and um um All of Me Now is part and parcel of him and it's making a statement to the world you know some people think it's enough just to flaunt a ring but uh Rings you know sometimes you clasp your hands and you can't see no ring so uh this is something that um it's a by the way it's a one-sided thing the husband doesn't have any uh external uh manifestation of this change that's because a woman's um she's much more V much more vulnerable her beauty is now something which is absolutely being reserved only for her husband and therefore um you know this is this um halic requirement of Jewish Women covering their hair so that's a statement but that's a statement goes very very deep and very very far of course one continues interacting with one's former environment and it's one's ongoing environment very often that's where one's sustenance and one's um uh life is and very often one's career um is is centered around the workplace or the place of study and that's that's to be respected but it's important that a statement is made when I say a statement I don't mean a literal statement but by modes of behavior you know I'm now says the husband and says the wife to his entire environment I'm now a married person and as such um my focus really is uh towards my spouse and therefore this certainly is very important in terms of cross-gender interactions in other words um where it might have been common business practice for a um I'm not sure how healthy it is but common business practice for a um Bachelor young man in a business context um going out for coffee with a female co-employee he must be much more careful about that now it's not the kind of thing that you go where there's a a social um uh element you know there's we need to work on something okay so let's sit down in the context of a work environment and let's you know work but one has to remove all anything that can lead to an over closeness or even be more extreme and intimacy um an emotional in intimacy one has to be much more guided with this um guarded with this uh element there's a Jewish principle called y y is that a um male and female who are not married should not be in a closed um environment which um which uh remains a private environment you know they should not be together in a locked in a locked room so there is this principle that um in the workplace in the um in in in in any exterior uh context exterior from the marriage they have to be much more guarded with their with their um interactions so that's difficult in some I mean it varies job by job I'm sure but many jobs so much of the work environment is or at least overlaps with social interaction yeah so much sometimes you know go out after work for a for a drink with the colleagues or yeah so so I say again that has to be much more contained and a person should not be embarrassed of making a statement you know keep oh my wife will publicly call your wife up and say hi um you know make public statements I'm now in a completely different league in a different class I'm now married right and I think that's very important this but Visa this cross you know there is a custom of worth real worth where a married man doesn't even address a a female coworker um by some um pet name or even um by her first name he rather says M or Ms or but one has to be careful of any expression that can um display any form of of clo of over closeness that might have been prevalent person's got to in every element of his conduct and his behavior make demonstrations um to the point that I'm married and as such you know um you know professionally this is where I am but as a married person my my social interaction is really something that I do with my wife and if there are um you know company parties or something um you know if one has to go to them then see if you can bring your spous your spouse along um and and keep close with him and that because um inevitably interactions uh cross-gender interactions even if they innocent and well-meaning um they're not healthy they're not healthy for the marriage it's an invasion of the privacy and the intimacy of a marriage and one has to keep this very much in check and very much uh even at the expense of being maybe socially a little bit awkward but that's fine we're an awkward people they may provoke jealousy as well I mean if a person is spending time with members of the oh sure opposite agenda yeah sure sure this is a well-placed jealousy jealousy in in essence is not a is not a positive trait but um the jealousy that you're referring to is is demanding of loyalty and demanding of of total exclusivity you know the halakic term of getting married is kushin kushin means um um it's translated as a kind of a a process of Holiness is now entered something holy is something very special something very set aside something very very um on a pedestal something very very special and a couple should constantly feel that we're in the context of Holiness and therefore be very careful sometimes even with close friends sometimes you have a situation of uh of co-workers of a boss certainly a Jewish woman should know to erect a kind of a hedge of roses around herself and you know roses are very attractive but they got thorns and you know you don't just stick your hand into a hedge of roses so it's important to make these statements you see it's a it's a much more profound spiritual concept may I wax a little bit uh cabalistic and um Mystic for a few minutes you were waxing so lyrical about the rose bushes that I feel would be an imposition to not allow you to wax okay A little B thank you so you know the Talma tells us that there is a a gift that is given to a couple by the Creator himself God himself every couple that gets married he gives a gift a gift of extraordinary value and the gift is um a what the Hebrew word is henen is a certain Mystique of favor um you know it says that there are three forms of thisen of this very particular irrational favor one of them is that a husband wife have some kind of a mysterious relationship a bond that is extremely extremely close and um has a tremendous level of understanding built into it and tolerance um that's one the other is a person um for the place where he lives you know I've traveled around and sometimes been in um in suburbs or areas which look so uninviting and yet uh and inviting in every sense of the word it could be dangerous dangerous environment a very um unkempt environment um unfriendly environment and yet you talk to the person who's living and he loves it and you figure out why is this because it's one of the Kens it's one of these particular favors the tal says there's another kind ofen another kind ofen is a person has a special feeling for his craft or for his job right I once spoke to a garbage collector and um I was amazed this fellow loved every element of his job he was so proud of his job right you know the social image of a garbage collector isn't like you know he not somewhere at the top of the uh of the ladder of of of classy um professions the surprisingly highly paid though no that could be yeah that could be but he had a certain you know and and and he was completely connected to it the most powerful of all is is that there's a very special bond that it completely defies any rationalization it's something it's it's brought out this is a gift of God to the couple that I'm giving you this very special feeling for each other now um we have to cherish this because this is really the cement with which um marriages is um is made of now when there's an invasion into the real intimacy or privacy of this unit it shakes up thisen this very special relationship you're not talking about uh real infidelity you're talking about even yeah no yeah I'm talking just about even just uh on on any level anything which would give course of for jealousy that's right right right and that's something which um is a great shame because a person is actually taking a fantastic God gift of uh closeness where they'll able to merge their lives together and face challenges together and build together and a person is by virtue of allowing others to invade the privacy and this intimacy they're actually um shaking the very foundations of this and it's interesting thing you know that um this concept exists even at the level of mere thought see we relate to thought as being a reality when a person is thinking about someone he's actually there right this is a concept that thought has this extraordinary power of thought um a person's looking at someone the person is actually there and it's for this reason that husband and wife in order to maintain this sanctity of this closeness of this gift that they've been given um should keep their thoughts for each other they shouldn't be thinking of other men or other women and this is the real reason for um why we are so careful with um uh all sorts of exposures that the media very often provide provocative kind of exposures because these are an infringement infringement on this this closeness um so it's in thought the eye is is much more than a camera the eye creates a certain reality of a relationship all of these things have to be very very carefully preserved because we are looking to intensify and enhance this connection and Savor this very special gift that's been given so therefore we want us to bear this in mind in all social interactions um of course of course I have to interact with the world around me but I've got to keep it at a level keep it professional keep it in in its in its context and don't allow it to go beyond the borders of of uh of of too much closeness outside of the context of One's Own um so this is in terms of cross gender yes let's turn I'm assuming that's where you're going but let's a second let's let's take the classic case guy has a bunch of buddies M and uh they have a standing arrangement that okay let's not say every night but once a week or a couple of times a week they go out for a few beers and have a good old masculine chinwag into Alia so now they're married and she objects to this um well my vote is with her um I think she has every right to object to this if if the exercise the person wants to go out for a basketball game he's going out because he's with working all day and he needs to have this uh expression he needs the exercise that's fine but sitting in a pub uh you know uh people aren't at their best after a few beers and they start talking nonsense and they start um uh exposing more intimate things more private personal things and she quite rightfully so can say you know that's an infringement on our privacy um you know you shouldn't be where you letting down all um guards because you know beers tend to do that but let's say it's his it's his way of letting of steam like you said a basketball game or something is is more acceptable but let's say he gets together for for a game of poker with his friends once a week my comments are the exact same I think you know what he needs to let ouram do it with his wife do it with your wife take your wife out for a beer he doesn't get time off I'm sorry he doesn't get some time off he's he's away enough of the time from his home he's going to now refocus and rebuild all of his social interaction it's only where it's absolutely a must meaning if it's a if it's a company Affair that you got to go for the company okay that's part of business but just um just to go out with the Buddies um usually is a is is doesn't bode well in terms of some you know it's a healthy wholesome kind of relationship you know when a whole bunch of men are letting you know their hair down and You' got you know a couple of beers helping them to do it I don't think he's going to come at a more enhanced and improved individual it's not going to do anything not for his life um this Western fallacy of um you know going places and allowing substance to help you uh relax um I think it's a real fallacy one can one should find tranquility and relaxation in a much more productive environment you've got kids one can do tremendously productive things go and play a game of soccer or Cricket with your kids um and and if it's if if you got a drink right um okay so then uh do it with your wife if and we're not getting into the issue of of alcohol consumption because that is that can become problematic and the fact is it's a massive um challenge in society there's there are huge percentages of the population that alcohol is actually ruining marriage and destroying marriages and fine people you know the social drink just gets that one too too much we've got plenty in the context of Judaism um there are plenty of opportunities um for eming Al alcohol in a very holy manner right on Shabbat one's obliged to make kidush twice you know twice in 24 hours and that entails and that entails you know drinking wine and this fine one can introduced wine can be part and parcel of one's of one's diet but um uh in this context in the context of all the festivals and the holidays always an excuse for for for as they say a schnaps for you know for something but um so I I think this this whole social misconcept um you know of of the boys going out for for a night I think it's it's a dangerous thing and the wife most definitely legitimately now from the wife wife's perspective she's got to do it with um ta with tact you know she's got to with tact she's got to you know offer Alternatives and a woman has many Alternatives and if she sees that a husband is constantly veing desperately to get out of the home there's an inherent problem in the marriage and this has to be remedied and this has to be looked into and they should you know work it out if the just needs air that means she's she or something in the home environment is not a husband should feel very comfortable he should be able ble to let his hair down and relax in the environment of his home and not have to go out um and use friends and substance to to um to find this solos or this uh inner peace of mind he ain't going to find it there if I may flip it around for a second let's turn the T and say it's she that has a weekly um get together with her friends is it would you view them the same way is it the same problem uh it could be it could be problematic um let's say this not necessarily around beer I hope not um but let's say it's it's not uncommon today that a group of women would go out for cocktails even beers that they would you know have a weekly again so my comments are pretty much the same I I I don't think it's a healthy thing I don't think any anything that's going to lead to um personal self-exposure to others I'm talking about exposure in the in the emotional sense right um ly you'd be against other kinds of exposures yeah yeah you know Expos too much son can be that's exactly what I meant um but I think that um when a person is exposing themselves um their emotions and their feelings to others it means that there's something lacking in in their relationship with their spouse because they should be talking with each other they should be getting to know each other on a deep level they should be open with each other they should be frank with each and there shouldn't be a need to have uh external Outlets um but what about friends I mean we're not suggesting friends is fine I'm I'm not suggesting that they break off ties but friends has got to be a healthy wholesome they're doing something they can go shopping together they can they can even spend um you know there's do something productive together friends are often to connect with emotionally as well you share your experiences problems with them as well these things very often create a certain imbalance you know when you're sitting around with a bunch of other friends and everybody's griping about something and everyone's you know and they they all start so she's picking up here's this innocent young lady and she's picking up everybody else's Hang-Ups and problems they they have an effect they have an effect there happens to be a um a very Central Jewish um principle one of the most important um Commandments that they are it's what that they are is keeping one's speech healthy and wholesome and away from what's is a concept called lar lar is talking about others um uh you know there is such a concept and that's why very often these casual social places so they'll lapse into just kind of relaxed gossip this is not a healthy thing it's not a healthy thing um it is a contravention of Jewish law anyway if a person needs an outlet Great get together do a project together get together do something productive together do a social project together be helping someone do a Char charitable project together a business project together that's all fine these are things all all legitimate that is an outlet but just these tea parties where there's nothing more than a bit of gossip and griping and uh and personal exposure or these things are not healthy in general so You' suggest finding something more uh edifying a book club or something that would be a book club I think uh getting one getting stuck into something productive there's so much um help need in so many area of so of society it's so fulfilling it's so healthy and then the wife comes and she spends the afternoon um trying to help out sick kids or or giving support to families whatever it is when when she when her husband comes home she's got so much positivity to talk about and she's doing something he'll appreciate this as opposed to coming home with a bunch of gossip and a bunch of uh of of frustrating people who've been inventing and letting off it's not going to do wonders for her personal self-growth and it's going to rub off on her family and her family life so rather be positive and constructive while we're talking about uh extra mural activities within without the marriage I guess um what about sports I mean that's that's Sports is great Sports is great let's say going to the games I mean let's say a husband is a I was going to say rugby fan but I guess for um our International audience we should include American football or uh soccer or whatever else it is but let's say he's a fan don't don't forget cricket and Cricket okay Cricket had it mentioned earlier but okay okay um like this look that's okay that's okay just again if it becomes too much of a social thing of the boys because you know um there's no such coner game to watch cricket without a c a six-pack you know of of B so again we're getting into the same thing just there happens to be a different typ type of a focus um I'd rather recommend play sport get into the Little Leagues with your kids be actively involved rather than spectate you want to watch a a sports game fine you you know today with uh technology one can um watch um you know the best in the finest at no cost uh you know having to go with everybody and standing these endless lines and it's a whole experience but again it's the boys out together I'm not sure if that's such a you if that's such a healthy uh healthy Ty environment so you think she would have a a woman would have a a good uh claim it would be a it would be understandable in her part to object to that kind of thing I think so I think so yeah it's interesting you're placing I mean when we place marriage in such a pedestal and uh after waxing so lyrical about uh you know and calistic about the the Holiness of marriage so that requires a lot of self-control a lot of self-discipline absolutely that's the name of the game in life is self-control and self self- discipline we are creatures who are have been created with builtin freedom of choice with both the and ability to to make choices to make wholesome healthy choices and we should be making them and we should be making them in the in the context of marriage and family we should make them all the time one thing has got to be at the center of a person's um the Forefront of a person's thoughts and uh drives and goals and this is am I enhancing my home life more spending time with a kid spending time with a wife in anything any kind of produ thing going for a hike cooking together get involved in the kitchen if you if you need some kind of a social outlet you don't want to taste my cooking okay but I'm sure your wife afterwards fixes it up and remedies this and and it U but just just that act you say if you can't cook then bake um but yeah or take the family out for a pizza that's that's a family experience it's something that you going out and you're doing something gardening I mean there's so many activities that we have that we don't need to you know get back into this uh extricating myself from the marriage family context to be alone with the boys or be alone with the girls um in in a in a almost a a I wouldn't say a negative environment but a very flat escap un productive yeah it's escapism exactly that rather one one should have Variety in one's life but you can inject variety into one's life in such a range of fascinating exciting and interesting ways build snowmen together but you know if you live in Africa but do productive exciting things together with the family with the kids with a wife home decorating you know if you need this if there's this need of of um expression express it within the context build another deck uh on top of your deck but do do thing yeah do things which are home centered as opposed to escaping the home and going into some kind of another world it's escaping the you're now in a new reality and that's your total reality and don't keep trying to U FP back to the old reality it's not a healthy thing so it seems uh the problem is really our Focus the problem is that we think of marriage as something added to our personality just another thing and it has to fit in with the rest of our lives it seems what we're what we're seeing today is that really from a Jewish point of view marriage is something which is supposed to be essential which is supposed to be the focus of one's life and uh even though a person needs to breathe and a person it's legitimate that a person should find um places and and and people um with with whom and in which to do that um he should always be looking home with he should always be focusing on his wife she should always be focusing on her husband and uh trying to make sure that the life the person's life is always about building that home front