The 6 Human Needs - Rabbi Yaakov Altman

[Music] my name is Robin Alton alt ma n I think I've met almost all of you before almost everybody could be now what I'd like to speak about today is extremely important for your happiness for your success for your life it applies to every single day it is something that is deeply deeply rooted inside of us and it's already functioning it's already controlling a lot of what we do now before we start that I just want to tell you something very interesting this is critically important if you want to be a successful in life you have to be aware of what are the things that are already controlling you that are causing their motivating your behavior that are causing you to act in a certain way if you have a handle on those things you can do something about it you can direct it you can change it if you're not even aware of it then it controls you and you're kind of at its beck and call does that make sense a great quote until you make the unconscious conscious it controls your life and you'll call it faith until you make the unconscious conscious it controls your life and you'll call it fate that's who want to do what when you want to make the unconscious conscious things that are already a program an app sort of speak that's running in our minds in our hearts when I become aware of it and say only now how do i how do I use that to maximize what I do in life make sense be very abstract I'll be very specific man okay now we spoke about once before I don't believe you were here for that so I'm not gonna talk too much time if I'm just gonna brief maybe some of you were about how to change your state in short-term sound familiar to anybody doesn't sound familiar did we have a class about that yeah I think we did right we spoke about this once before short ways to change your emotional state I'm not gonna talk about the right now I want to talk about a much deeper idea first thing you have to recognize is what drives most of human behavior what drives most of the things that we want to do now people say well I do a lot because I want money or I want fame or I want energy I want health right the reason people do things is not because they want fame or money or energy or health or whatever they want it's because they want a certain emotion if I have a lot of money then I can say oh my my money enables me to feel a certain emotion if I have a lot of fame it enables me to feel a certain emotion if I don't have the money that I want or the fame or the health or the family or the love that I want then it gives me a different emotion most of what we do is driven by the desire to have certain emotions you can boil down almost all of those emotions to six major categories these are called six human needs six human needs their emotional needs they're not physical needs this has nothing to do with Maslow's hierarchy of needs nothing at all to do with that yeah these are six emotional needs it drives almost all of human behavior any culture any belief system that you have almost all situations they're gonna be driven by these needs I'm gonna spell them out to you and you'll see how how it pans out in your in your everyday life and almost everything that you do okay the first one is certainty you have to feel a sense of security certainty of safety in your life you have to feel certain emotionally that the people around you aren't going to do things to scare you or harm you or hurt you you have enough food clothing shelter you have enough money you know that basically the floor is not gonna suddenly cave in or the walls not gonna ceiling it's not gonna come down emotional certainty you need to have it if you didn't have emotional certainty you wouldn't be sitting in this room right now if you didn't have a place to sleep tonight you wouldn't be here now ya know if you didn't know where your next meal is coming from you wouldn't be here now you have a certain level of certainty and you need to have that as a human being in order to survive you have to feel like I'm physically emotionally spiritually intellectually financially safe if I don't have that I can't function that's number one a lot of what we do is to try to get certainty I work in my job in order to have certainty I exercise in order to have certainty I may have a cup of coffee to have certainty I won't have enough energy unless I have some kind of caffeine in my system I'm not saying that's true but that could be how you look at it okay that's one thing now if everything in life is 100 percent certain what happens that's true but even more than that an emotional reason that's even more emotional feeling that's not so good if everything is like I know how everything is happening what happens okay Dave regret it that's true but even more than that a negative emotion that comes if I have everything everything censored I know exactly what's gonna happen same old same old every single day boredom you get bored out of your mind yeah you have to have besides sir do you have to have uncertainty or variety you must have variety in your life you have to have chains kiddush something new kadosh something something's got to be new if everyday you have everything you need but it's the same thing again and again you go out in mind you gotta have uncertainty after a variety as a balance between certainty and uncertainty a lot of the spice of life comes when things are a little bit exciting exciting off it is I don't know what's gonna happen if it's too much of what I don't know what's gonna happen it's too much uncertainty and I feel scared and all that I've served them I'm scared it's no good you can't have too much uncertainty but you have to have some kind of a riot in a way that you feel comfortable with now what's called variety for you might be different than variety for me some of you'll have variety because they have a new food or they have a new song or they read a new thing or hear a new idea other people a variety and their clothing or their relationships or their traveling there's all kinds of ways that variety many ways that variety they paint the room a different color or they have variety in the place that they're very good they call our they have a new thing the color they paint a new thing to paint they learn a new song whatever you want different rules variety now let's just talk about this on the side we're gonna mention all the six human needs but on the side on I mentioned something else now something called rules rules what's a rule a rule is what has to happen for you particularly to feel a certain emotion what has to happen in your mind for the vit for in order to feel this emotion I'll give an example I don't know what your financial situations are but I'm assuming don't review our billionaires that they're nobody's a billionaire right maybe even not a millionaire anybody millionaires in the room probably not right no millionaires either right now is it fair to say and maybe it's different for you but I'm gonna I'm gonna guess that at least one or two of you would feel that if right now you literally suddenly had ten million dollars in your bank post taxes how would you feel would that change your emotions post taxes they someone gave you 15 million dollars five million directly goes to taxes and 10 million free and clear absolutely legal and fine and it's yours and no problem ten million dollars in the bank it's all yours now would that change your emotions how would you feel happy how would you feel good just good on a scale of one to ten how good was it feel a little bit scared maybe a little bit scared a little bit uncertain a little bit what about you and lated good elated scared a little what'd you say secure I'm okay how about you a relief I have to worry about it I can make it my future is gonna be okay now did anything change right here right now because you suddenly got that information no right you just have a rule right here on the spot in this in the next five minutes your life is exactly the same whether you have the ten million dollars you don't have the ten million dollars right but the rule is I can feel safe secure I can feel elated I can feel happy I can feel worried if I have ten million dollars in the bank the rule is what has to happen for me to feel that emotion I'll give you another example I'm not gonna do this but if I would suddenly like you know I walk out of the room for is that gonna come back in wearing a pink tutu and dancing around like that you know like like I like like a ballerina how would you feel how would you feel awkward awkward confused confused good good so it's just absolutely dumbfounded right now ha ha what's going on here right because your rule is that someone who's teaching doesn't disappear and come back in a funny costume especially when it's not gender appropriate excuse me yeah let's go it's quite surprising right so your rule is like you know it has to be right so there's certain rules yeah now who determines the rules that you have you do you decide yeah true stories a man not doing too well financially not doing too well times a family ask them how you doing wonderful why he just had heart surgery about a year ago they thought he was gonna die and now he's alive yes and I was doing feels his pulse this is I'm alive it's a wonderful day his rule for happiness is really relatively easy certain people's rules were happiness are extremely difficult in order to be happy another true story guy very wealthy guy five million dollars I'm sorry he has five kids each kids million bucks yeah as five children happily married wonderful wife wonderful marriage fantastic business he makes three million dollars a year three million dollars a year this guy asked him are you successful no now he's a great shape physically also right tons of friends very very well-liked in his committee I'm not successful why I need to make three million dollars in a year is but you are a half a million dollars comes from a bonus and his rule is he's got to make three million without the bonus I know you know my heart's bleeding for this guy right it's difficult situation you and me we can make a collection afterwards it maybe help the guy out to be happy right you get the idea right that problem wouldn't work anyway because the clay a collection wouldn't work he's got actually making himself right I asked him are you physically in good shape now the guy was something like you know nine percent body fat something crazy like that ninety percent but I was is actually supposed to be pretty good I think as far as I know I don't know exactly what it is but it supposed to be yeah he was upset he warned it to be less or maybe was tan he wanted to be nine I'm not sure what the numbers are but solid he was like you know the guy was a great everything his rules are making him crazy a lot of people have rules that are highways to misery and dirt paths the happiness a highway is easy to travel on you get there very easily just roll down the road and you wind up there in misery right easy rules to make yourself miserable difficult rules to make happy now what makes you feel varieties different than me maybe again you maybe you feel variety from food or from visiting for me varieties I learn a new idea especially if I can teach it it's tremendous variety for me even though my circumstances stay the same yeah as long as you look at my desk and have a little a small little study a little room my little office right my desk something sometimes the same exact things will stay in the same exact place for two months I'm not even I don't even care I don't even see it yeah but if I have a little there's one little notepad I write new ideas on it that's the most variety gift that little notepad actually don't have it right now it's about this big tiny little thing new idea whoa look at that yeah I get all my variety from this little notepad a lot of it okay now here's another need you have certainly a variety another one is significance you must feel something important about you there's some importance of value some greatness there's something that's unique or valuable about who you are now when I say unique it doesn't mean you're the only person in the world it just means you're somewhat elites in this area for example could be you play the trumpet now there's a lot of people in the world I play trumpet but most people no universe don't play trumpet there may be a million people play trumpet I have no idea yeah but if you're one of the trumpet players you mail you may feel I have significance because I play trumpet you may feel significant because you have a wonderful collection of I don't know of little figurines or because you're excellent at cooking or because you know how to dance or because you're a sister or a mother or a friend you may feel significant because you studied it in a very you line yeah it depends on your rule but everyone is in need to feel significant and if they don't feel these needs we're going to talk about some more also if you don't do this you do what you can to get that feeling you do what you can to fulfill your rules so you can get that emotion everyone has this need it doesn't mean arrogance it can be arrogance but doesn't mean arrogance to me it's like I have to feel like I'm somebody okay good next one is the core of humanity that's love and/or connection yes great right not in order right now but we're going to talk about an order and that's gonna that's a very important question yeah are they in order we're gonna see it right now they're not in connection they're not in any order it's just the way of speaking about them but you're gonna see we're gonna we're gonna make a certain order you see soon now love and connection everyone needs that there are three ways you can connect you can connect the self you can connect to others and you can connect to God everyone gets these needs in some form you can get them in a positive form you get them a negative form a little kid who's not getting enough loving connection will definitely get your attention in a negative way positive we have a three-year-old daughter right now she is a firecracker she's definitely thank God we have 11 children she's the she's the she's the strongest most voice if Aris outspoken powerhouse that we have hands down no connection no no competition she's amazing she's about actually spor now she's four years old she tells your opinion we thought well you know mommy's not gonna let you go then I'm not gonna listen to mommy I'm gonna do what I want now we don't let her be spoiled we right away give her a little tap right on the mouth nice quiet not hurt we don't hurt her but it's like a little bit like that like you know the murder and she gets the message and she goes like this yeah and then we make it a little more but she gets the idea yeah it's like she's very powerful now she gets love and connection if you're not paying attention to her she'll get right up into your face she'll start pulling your stuff she's away if you don't listen to me then I'm gonna turn your chair over and she's only four years old no one speaks like that in my house but she's got a certain she wants it yeah everybody wants it when you get older if you can't connect other people you connect the self how do you connect the self reading eating sleeping some people connect this about by smoking or exercise or negative things like drugs or who knows what I mean smoking is also negative right yeah connect myself by overeating by oversleeping all kinds of ways of doing that taking a driver run that's all kinds of ways you can listen to music that's connected to yourself connecting to others there's an infinite ways to connect others and connecting the God of course also different ways now these for everyone gets if you have these you're happy but you don't feel fulfilled you don't feel fulfilled when you get these because these are things that you sort of you there based on what you receive I'm certain because of what's outside of me I get variety what's outside of me significance it could be because of who I am but usually it's because of who I am in relation to other people and love and connection of course has to do with what's outside of you these things you need to get and everyone gets but it doesn't feel it make you feel deeply fulfilled the last two which we're gonna mention now is what leads to fulfillment see there's two skills there's achievement and there's fulfillment achievement as a science which we're not talking about right now fulfilment is an art yes yes achievement as a science fulfilment is an art a science can be you know if you're excellent at making chocolate chip cookies if i duplicate what you do I can produce the same chocolate chip cookies it's a recipe literally yeah success leaves clues that's that's a science it might be timing it might be all that but if I creep reduce what you do I can make the same results right but when it comes to fulfillment well what fulfills you is different than what fulfills me that's more of an art I can't just duplicate someone else's things because I'll be because then if i duplicate it for you then I'll made you happy not me it makes sense yeah we have to make you right so it's a different story now these last two have to fulfillment first one is growth or the fifth one is growth you have to learn you have to somehow become bigger a better version of yourself deeper more understanding more flexible more creative whatever it is more capable in some way you have to feel I'm growing I'm becoming a better version of what I was more mature more powerful more empathetic whatever you want whatever your rules are if you're not growing you're dying if you have tons of money tons of friends everything's fantastic tons of variety in your life loving connections amazing tons of certainty everything you need but it's you're not growing as a person you feel dead inside you have to grow that's why you hear stories of people that have tremendous amounts of money and they seem to be pretty successful and they retire and then as soon as Superman afterwards they go back to work because I don't feel like they're growing well they do something new okay that's growth the last one is contribution you have to feel like you're giving in some way you have to give is a fundamental spiritual idea human beings are made in the image of God God is good and he gives good the nature of good is it overflows when something good happens do you want to share with people could be with something bad happens do you want to share it also that's another story but if you have something good you it's much more fun when you share it having a delicious piece of cake is lovely and fantastic if you can share cake with someone that you care about you love it's much more yummy yeah everybody knows that much more yummy now let's talk about this a little further so oh by the way these last two things are what you are when you grow you've become different when you give it changes you it's not what I get it's what I'm giving on I'm more of a giving person I'm with different person now so this makes you feel fulfilled these two if you have the first four you'll be happy but you won't feel fulfilled you must have these last two in order to feel a deep sense of fulfillment in life okay now question was asked before a great question are they in order there is no order here except for these two groups but here's what's interesting each person has probably what's called a primary need ask yourself of these six which is the one maybe it's two which is the one that you go after the most I want that feeling of variety more than anything else I want love and connection I want growth I want contribution I want certainty which one makes you tick the most which one drives you the most it certainly can't change but usually there's a primary one that's for the most part that's my life is you have different moods okay I'm in the mood now for variety that's totally fine it's still in need but it's not your primary need in your life you can have two different periods of time I would imagine if a person was let's say physically and emotionally healthy and had a good sort of social situation and suddenly was thrown into jail for some reason god forbid right then that would make his need for certainty become much greater if he suddenly becomes very uncertain it needs certainly more than or maybe it's love and connection I'm not sure what it is right so there are situations that can shift it the situations but usually overall in a steady life situation the certain need that really drives a person now this is very important imagine you have a husband and wife and the husband wants certainty he wants to make sure he knows what happens when it happens according to his rules yeah what is the life the wife light she likes variety Kobi that's why they got married sobs it happens that one guys is thick in the mud and she's interesting or the other way around right she's like I'm too much mistaken the mother needs him right in my life she's all the Friday I need maybe more than he can handle as long as that happens right so they plan a vacation together yeah so he says okay great let's sit down and let's call the travel agent let's you know figure it out well plan in two months we'll go on vacation she says why do you have to be so old she's let's grab our backpacks and the credit cards and run out the door and he's like why would you want to do that she wants variety she doesn't she doesn't want any certainty at all she wants uncertainty like let's let's make it spontaneous he's like we're gonna wind up in a place where there's no the beds are bad and like this mosquitoes everywhere and there's holes in the screens and the air-conditioned doesn't work and she's like so we'll go someplace else and that's part of the fun he's like that's not fun I'd rather stay here we have our mosquitoes and bad beds and bad air conditioning etc right it'll be cheaper - that's what he says he says if we look ahead at the week we can save money she's like who cares about saving money we'll have a good time well then go and spend a lot of money that's not good is it they're going like this he's after sir these she's after variety someone told me I think they suggested in a seminary what a seminary girls suggested the best thing in a situation like that is for him to plan surprise parties for her he knows exactly what's gonna happen plus or minus and she's always surprised yeah fantastic right but it's very important to recognize oh she needs variety if I want to be her friend I have to be involved in that need for variety I guess well what do you want that and if he wants to if she wants to be a good relationship with him she has said well he needs to certainty so she might be able to plan something like a vacation where he can stay in the hotel and do all the activities like shuffleboard and poker and stuff like that and she can go out on the safari wherever it is yeah yeah with the wild African animals whatever is okay now there's another thing here as well this is very important there's something called a vehicle I'm being a little technical right now but this actually gonna change everything you do now a vehicle is what has that what do you do to get this need so let's say a person gets there I don't know significance from their from their money if I have a lot of money I feel like I'm important or from their body like if I if I look in a certain way I can dance in a certain way I feel significant so dancing is or working out is their vehicle for significance or money is their vehicle for significance it's what if the activities the thing that gives them the emotional need that they want sometimes they have one thing that provides more than one need now here's the thing if you have one vehicle that provides at least three of these needs on a high level you become addicted to that vehicle one action one person one thing that you do well that you use that you have or something like that you're involved in oh I get a lot of my human needs in a very high level from that one thing that vehicle becomes an addiction for you it could be a negative addiction it could be a positive addiction I don't have a word for a positive addiction yeah now I give an example I have a son who does jiu-jitsu he's not amazing at it but he's pretty good and his group he's pretty good at it okay it's only one little group you know I'm one of a group of boys in usual I am in Jerusalem okay it's not world competitions you did so but it's something but he's probably one of the best ones in his group right what does he get from that he gets tons of certainty from it he gets certainly because he goes in there says I know I know how to take care of this situation and if I don't and I know I get on the bus and somebody's bigger than me I can protect myself you get certainly this get variety cons of variety learns all kinds of Thanks does he get significance yeah he walks around feel like I'm mr. jiu-jitsu not exactly about exaggerate a little but you get the idea right does he get love in connection he definitely connects to other people and he gets a lot of attention for her for sure and he connects to himself as well does he get growth all the time contribution I'm not sure right now probably not much contribution ball no no but he gets five out of the six in a major way he's addicted jiu-jitsu he loves it ya know it could be a good addiction also that's a thing that's a thing so where you're addicted is also where you have your most fear that's what you've the most afraid of losing so someone might be very accomplished but they get a lot of their human needs through one vehicle like maybe it's their wife or it's their job or it's their health or it's a certain skill the guy's a piano player he's afraid of losing the ability to use his hands or something like that it's very importance right but that's kind of nature of reality it's not necessarily a bad thing the main thing you have to recognize which is a higher level is not a topic right now is through us oh it's you that's great not the vehicle true story in our topic right now there's a person who was very good in baseball and he was in he was in college and was going to college with a scholarship for baseball he's very very good and he had an eye injury that stopped him from being able to triangulate on the ball so he could no longer hit or catch now he was very depressed for a period of time a true story I don't know the person's name is not super famous and eventually someone told them you're an athlete inside your vehicle for being athletic was was baseball but you can find some other vehicles some other sport where you can bring out the athlete inside of you where you're also great doesn't have to be that so there's a certain inside core you don't have to be married to the vehicle I'm saying the vehicle sometimes is taken away that's like a higher level of maturity and functionality is not a story now very important if there is some vehicle that you love because it provides so much of your human needs then you're addicted to it right if you're in a situation that doesn't provide for human needs it does the reverse when you go there when you do that you feel total uncertainty but a negative type you don't feel any variety at all it's the same old same old I just fail fail fail yeah let's say you stink at bowling every time gutter gutter I can't can't hit the can hit the pins I can't get that bowling ball down at the end can't hit any of those pants just can't do it right I get no variety of their significance I feel like a zero maybe it's even negative love and connection everyone's like well I get negative connection I don't want it yep here comes the bowling ball himself right you know he's missed their bowling not exactly make fun of me we have met our growth no contribution nothing so you're gonna hate that activity right you'll feel like I wanna stay away from that you'll be scared of it now do people go where they feel significant and they feel good really feel bad you do things you like to do we do things I hate to do generally speaking you like to do right of course you gravitate towards the things you feel like you're good at and you like doing them right if you want to be a successful and influencing somebody you have to understand what already influences them if you understand when you talk to somebody what are their six human needs I will talk about that in a minute how to figure it out a little bit if you if you figure out their what their six human needs are then you can influence them in the language that speaks to them so give me an example first day of school for your son yeah it's I don't know it's kindergarten the next day yeah he doesn't want to go here I told you the night before he's not going anywhere he's staying home with you he loves you who cares about you he knows you and all those weird strange people especially the teacher he's never seen before he's scared he doesn't want to go yeah so what do you do the night before you get really clever before he goes to sleep you sit down with some of the older kids in the family right or the other people in the family he said things start doing some projects you get out some clue right and some call crayons or whatever else you do I don't know what people do these days right and you make all your cutting and making things right it's fantastic he's like what are you doing you can't do this this stuff you learned in kindergarten once you go to kindergarten you can learn how to do this right yeah kids like no I don't know next thing you wake up tomorrow morning like wake up seven o'clock the kids fully dressed standing by the door ready to go yeah you got it yeah his desires are he wants a variety he wants whatever you want wherever he's seasonal he's a little kid but kids one ferrati yeah maybe they feel significance if they know how to make a nice project or whatever it is so you you tied into his into his emotional needs and he's with you if you tell him if you don't go you're getting not getting any ice cream I don't care not doing that yeah I'm not feeling that ice cream right now oh you're not are you gonna get you're gonna be standing in the corner all right I'd rather stay in the corner that have the pain of going to Seder going to a kindergarten tomorrow morning no way yeah same idea now when you're married when you're married very often it happens that a husband and wife at when they first get married they automatically provide each other's human needs but sometimes that tends to go away from each other like for example the husband comes home or he sees his wife and he's so happy she lights up to see him or or she comes home and he lights up to see her but after a while it can become without any investment which is not our topic right now it can become oh whatever whatever so then it becomes whatever wait a second I always chose I felt such significance when I saw you and now I feel like well I'm like you know the mail that shows up you know like the stuff you delete yeah like well I don't feel significance maybe we had a lot of love connection now it's less loving connection or certainty I knew you were always in my corner now it's like well did you take out the garbage we make it enough money whatever it is less certainty now so if a person who has these needs doesn't get them from the vehicle he used to get them from he leaves the vehicle and he goes someplace else he looks other place so let's say have a nice loyal couple husband and wife they're not gonna leave each other but they don't get the juice of life they don't get their main needs from each other that is a time bomb in a relationship now what do you do about that she say well what are my husband's top two human needs he loves variety great let me be the vehicle for his variety what are his rules for right now time being very very black and white like a relationship is more than this but this is but this is important to understand if you understand like why is my husband running after all the time playing poker with his friends like none of them as pretty as I am what's going on with that you know he gets love and connection from them what's going on well he gets something maybe he's getting less from me right now yeah maybe he's getting more variety and I'm not providing so much variety for him or he's getting more certainty because like when I when he comes home I think it's safe to tell him about all the things that I'm worried about and he's all ready to overburden and I shouldn't tell about the things I'm worried about right now so he's like oh no what's my wife is gonna say now this now that he gets no certainty you know well who knows what so if you want to have a good marriage you have to figure out what are his human needs and how do you provide them yourself and the same thing with him yeah it's not just whatever comes first it's also how you do it I'll give you an example okay the question is does everyone have this six you same two six human needs they do but what's called this the six new I'll give an example it's different for different people based on their rules and also their values so one person named Osama Bin Ladin he might get his significance from knocking over the World Trade Center his rules are significance means I take the next step in the revolution to you know free the world of the Western tyranny whatever I'm making up my you know my story you get that's his rules right another person says not now I get my significance by saving people that are in towers that are on fire different rule so one guy's killing people to get significant another guy's saving people gets me well maybe even dying to get significance yeah different role now it's also important time so let's say love in connection how do you know your husband loves you give an example how would you know the husband really loves you tells you he loves you good what else how else actions for example he suddenly paints the garage he mows the lawn ah he loves me what type of actions actions good what makes you feel happy cooking for you good cooking for you he cooks early for you beautiful right he goes of you um what else time so we have words actions time right some people say I don't care what words he says if he doesn't cook dinner for me he doesn't love me oh he's out okay how much dinner he cooks for me if it doesn't tell me doesn't lobby I'll be like I don't care what he says I don't care what he does if he's not there he don't care it depends on you this is a beautiful book called love languages love languages is basically all about the rules of just the land of love but this other rule there's other rules photons of things how do I know he's responsible let depends response home might mean he works hard responsive me no he gets advice whenever he needs to respond so might be he thinks ahead respond so might mean that no no when it's a crisis he drops everything in takes care but different rule what's there that makes it that answer your question okay yeah do you go I'm a rabbi in Jerusalem so [Laughter] you know to make them feel certainty to advise to you one of the fence you know what I mean well I mean I my philosophy of dating is that dating is for the purpose of finding the right one if that's your philosophy then you don't necessarily want to address his emotional needs first you see the right one he is now I'm fully involved now we want to get married fantastic but before that you don't want to because you don't want to be the vehicle to someone's emotional needs that's not your husband that's not the person you're gonna want to spend the rest of you know that's it that's a value judgement yeah but that yeah that's some saying yeah that's that's for sure yeah the same thing goes with your kids this particular kid loves certainty so if he wants to go out something you want to go on a trip with him he's like I don't want to go tell him like you know don't worry I'm gonna tell you exactly what's gonna happen in every step of the trip first we're gonna go here then we do this all but if we don't know him it's like we don't know but you stay next to me then he's happy the other kid doesn't care about certainty at all he wants variety that kids like wants love and signal of in connection so I get love and connection by staying with my friends if I go on a trip nobody knows me but we're gonna have a special connection with mommy and Abba and the children of the family gonna have such a connection whoa we're never gonna forget this I'm going to talk about this forever you're talking her language for love and connection you don't say stay with me you won't be afraid I'm not afraid in the first place she has a different need make sense now sometimes it happens that your life is a little bit out of kilter at a certain point in your life you were focusing on a certain need let's say it's a certainty right I'm first out of college now or I'm in college I'm out of high school arm our just got married whatever the situation is like I'm I just lost my job or I'm starting a new situation I'm moved you need to have certainty sometimes it's like that but you can't stay there because sometimes it becomes unbalanced so let's say the example is a person wants significance I'll say a husband just give me an example I wasn't gonna get so his is if I make a lot of money and I have a lot of fame I'm like powerful whatever it is I get a lot of significance right but he may say listen all that that rule might take him away from his wife and his children it might make I get a lot of power and fame when I'm in the office so he may decide you know what I'm running too much after significance I need that for cos work more on love and connection with my family now that's one way to do it it's hard to my family can't do that it could shift his priorities you can do that you can consciously decide I'm shifting now or he may decide my rules are stupid the people I worked for for the last ten years and got all that honor from a goal that significance and whatever I get a love and connection for them they forget about me as soon as I'm not worth it for the company they'll fire me but my wife and my children my family they're forever the real significance is with them he changes his rule and his whole life changes make sense examine the rules that you have ask yourself are that is that a you main rule or a crazy rule that's making me crazy yeah has to be a certain way yeah okay now any questions no you see how this radically changed your life not necessarily ask yourself what are your top two two human needs and how do you get them are they healthy vehicles or there- vehicles if they're negative vehicles ask yourself well what can I do to substitute those negatives for positive vehicles here's another thing by the way when you want to cheat when you have a bad habit the reason you have a bad habit is because you have you have a desert you're getting your six human needs from that habit very often very often so you can't just shock yourself out of it let's say a person is smoking cigarettes without smoking cigarettes right you give me a shock every time I smoke eventually I'll stop smoking but the human needs that I got out of smoking I still have so I'm gonna start overeating or whatever something else or becoming obsessive I don't wear it become like nervous about something other some other reason because I need to get those needs in some form you took the vehicle away I'll find some other vehicle the best thing to do is to switch the the say like how can I get these needs in a positive way yeah do you also have to in addition to knowing yourself knowing your number wouldn't mean knowing your rules the way you do you also have to be okay with a certain level of not having that need met at times of course instead of always of course you can that's a very good question right this is very that's very good I actually forgot so it's very important right the question is well maybe I can't always have that need met a child has to have their needs met instantly otherwise they have a temper tantrum right the president might warrant didn't get elected so whatever it is I'm not being political whatever it so they have a temperature was let's say or the other way around would have been a temper tantrum balls either way would attempt there yeah I'm not being political now right i don't actually know I would opinion the Lysa here's that works right but there's another thing too if you have a low level of your emotional needs being met you have a need it's not a desire it's a need like what if I don't get enough oxygen I'll just have to settle no no I drop everything and get it and I'm saying it's not like it's not a desire right so if you're getting very little of the needs that you that you need you usually either depressed or ha special person can be suicidal if it comes very extreme because they have none of their human needs and they don't even see a way of getting if that's what really suicidal is they feel like they don't have a way of getting anywhere right if they're getting their needs in a high way they're very excited they're very happy if they're getting their needs in what's called no-man's land between let's say on a scale of one to ten between four and six it's not enough of a reason to like I don't enough pain that I try to change but I'm not really happy either that's really the worst if the asks of which range are you in and mine like that if you're in the low range between like one two three you have so much pain you'll change anyway you'll look for some way to get them if you're in the high range you'll stay there yeah if you're in the middle range which is what a lot of people are no-man's land well you know my wife calls it wet diaper syndrome excuse me for saying that what diaper syndrome with a little baby like a two-year-old or like a one-year-old baby if they have a wet diaper they don't have paint they're not comfortable but they don't like the pain of going through the change pertaining to either I'll just stay here yeah like you don't to be in that situation so sometimes it's good to tolerate your lack of human needs but something's not good at all like okay I'm literally getting not getting what I need I'm gonna break eventually if I don't get enough oxygen I'm gonna die the other thing is to say well I don't need to have them now but I need to making progress towards getting them that's really the key to happiness is we're like do I feel like I'm making progress I feel like there's hope there's a direction that I'm happy okay and other questions yeah all six that's right now there is one level there's one thing which we didn't mention all this is what's called shallow lash mob which means you're doing it for selfish reasons or it's like a need but there is a higher thing there is it there's a certain level of altruism which is beyond any of your needs you can describe that as what they call the small which is I'm not doing this because it's a amethyst because I have a need for a because this has to be done now having nothing to do with me sometimes it has to be done because someone else has a need am I thinking about myself if you see a car accident someone needs help you're not thinking about what are my six human needs oh I'll feel certainty if I help that person this person is in trouble I got to help them you're not think about yourself at all so a lot of people do things for that reason now eventually if you do a lot of it because let's me become a paramedic or a doctor right so then you get your six human needs through doing that that's fine contribution is very high for your growth or significance whatever yeah but now and then it happens there's another idea also which is above this - which is small which is I'm doing it because God says not because I have any my human needs if I have to clean my house for Passover to make sure there's no hummus there's no bread or any bread crumbs stuff like that or I stop working on Shabbat it's not because I suddenly feel significant or growth and contribution it's because I my values are that this is more important a person who is spiritually developed when there's a value in contradiction to a need the value wins out a person who's not spiritually developed like a child yeah you know I have a need and I have a value well my needs not so strong because I'm not so developed so I'd rather have that piece of cookie even though it's Yom Kippur that's have a thing you know a little kid like a little kid you don't even try to tell him the fast on Yom Kippur because he's a little kid he can't do that yeah the same idea so there's a whole level which is beyond this you're not talking about which is called lish ma that's above it's for idealistic reasons and that could be do all kinds things has nothing to do with this when you tie it to a spiritual drive like that all these things become secondary and you can get all of them in a totally different way and your life just becomes a different level okay most people are not living there and day to day don't live there and if you get there you start to associate you know let's say a person is uh is a religious person right so they keep they keep Shabbos every single week so person keep Shabbos will start to feel these needs or not these needs if he doesn't keep Chavez like an intense sense of uncertainty if he's in a car and Sun the Sun is setting on Friday afternoon yeah I'll feel totally insignificant personally if I accidentally ate something that wasn't kosher hey I'm saying so that's a non-story okay one last thing is what I say what I'm saying here doesn't come from me I didn't make up any of this stuff this is all basically from a wonderful person I think is very very good in terms of training this types of the name is Anthony Robbins if you heard him before it's almost all of his stuff it's not mine I don't claim to be mine she the biggest mine it's a wonderful source I can't actually openly endorsed him because when he speaks he speaks with a lot of profanity and that being appropriate for me to uh you know but you can read his books is pretty good okay a book that talks about this a little bit well throw out the twenty books about there's a book it's about money that talks about this most of his new books don't talk about it okay all the best ladies great to see you