The 10 Habits of Love - Rabbi Michael Stern

[Music] ER of to thank you so much for coming I really hope it's good had to miss a football game for this now tonight's topic is the 10 habits of love I'm not sure exactly which of the 10 are the 10 habits of love I was hoping that somebody would think about this year and email me and tell me what you think the 10 habits are because it could go a couple different ways how's that challenging so you got to listen up give me the 10 at the end of the uh at the end of the class so we're here to talk about the Mitzvah and the Torah love your neighbor as yourself which commands us to love each other and love singularly according to rabi AKA is the most important fundamental principle in the Torah Torah love your neighbor as yourself is equal to all the other mitv in the Torah when a perspective convert came to Hillel the Elder the convert said you know give me all of Torah well I stand on one foot meaning like make it snappy give me the essence of this so hillo said his take on love your neighbor as yourself he said that is hateful to your brother don't do God even considers love amongst one another more important than how we treat him I'm paraphrasing from the talet I'm not sure where it is exactly but it's if God says you know if there's a choice between following my mitzvah are serving me don't do me any favors do my mites you could even see this played out in the respective punishments of the DHA Flaga Tower bubble and the DHA Mable the generation of the flood right tower of bubble what do we see Rebellion against Hashem fighting against Hashem and what do you get just a mere dispersal put the people all around change language up pares Noah sins man against a man oh we're going to wipe out all of humanity God considers how we treat each other the most Paramount thing in our Torah lastly it's really the ultimate tun that we need to bring Messiah is love because when you think about it on a deeper level it's really a lack of Love amongst the Jewish people that led to sin lack of Jewish Unity Lush andara and the base of mdash was destroyed and God's presence was exiled from our lives the root a lack of love and until we make that tikun and according to our says any generation that we're not suffering from the sins of that generation back 2,000 years ago that we could end the gullas and every generation that hasn't built a base of mnes it's as if they destroyed themselves it's up to us I mean what kind of world do we all want to live in I don't know one of Love Peace Brotherhood or illness and poverty I don't know we got to choose ultimately it's also a lack of love that we desperately need in our lives with our spouses with our friends our children right the love that we have between us that connects us is what makes life worth living brings us connection belonging so we'll do it a little a little around roundout to get the most clarity about love I first want to talk about what love Isn't Love isn't infatuation infatuation is the illusionary counterfeit pleasure of love that we all fall into from time to time when we're seeking the real thing in a room full of singles I always ask how many people here are planning getting married and everybody raises their hands and then I ask who here is planning on get divorced no one right I like really nobody nobody's planning on getting divorced there is a 50% divorce rate so no one plans on getting divorced and everybody of course thinks their marriage will last forever but how is it possible that the same couple who never dreamed of having anything getting in the way of their love can get to such a place as acrimonious relationship between them and God forbid and in divorce so the question is what can we do what can we understand to minimize our chances of being one of the one of the numbers and I do include married couples in this not only do we need to make sure that we marry for love and not infatuation but we know how to stay in love and once we're married how to keep it and if we lose it how to recapture it one helpful idea is to understand the very well-defined concepts of love and infatuation and what's the difference and still even once you hear them it's still hard to maintain them throughout your marriage and throughout life and the question would why would that be why would the concepts getting confused with infatuation be so difficult because it's almost impossible not to be entirely influenced by the societal values that are around you we have been in America and in gullas for a very long time the concepts that Western Society gives out on a continuous and constant basis about love I will say the ones I grew up with are all rooted in Greek philosophy and Greek philosophy love is romantic love Cupid you know what they do on Valentine's Day but if you don't know cupid is stupid right now the ultimate love scene that I grew up with many of us grew up with was the following handsome young man very well-shaped slender young woman tall on the beach the Sun is setting beautiful music they're in full Embrace lips locking isn't that the scene so cupid sneaks up with his bow and arrow shoots the arrow and Bam they are in love they have fallen in love happily ever after now just the word fall they fell in love wow it just seems to indicate it's something that happened to them they're just a victim well the movie ends and what if we were able to follow this couple off the screen into their lives what would we see we might see the following so they buy a house they're working long hours or he's working long hours lot of bills big mortgage lot of pressure they're seeing each other less and less and they're having less and less fun and she gets pregnant right away now you know what they say you marry four ladies in your lifetime it's the one that you were dating that's fun the one you got married to that's good too chevas and then there's the one you get that gets pregnant it's not as fun and then there's the one that raises your kids kids now look you have to I'm ladies I'm so I am a guy this is It's a guy's talk so now she's pregnant and she's demanding for the first time could even be a little downright nasty maybe anyway you never realized how critical she is or how needy boy she sleeps a lot she's not doting on me the same way and gosh she doesn't look exactly the same way and you're like I didn't really bargain for this one late night he's working late at the office and he can't take his eyes off that cute sweet secretary you know the one who laughs at all of his jokes the one who always asks him like what can I do for you solicitous and all of a sudden Cupid sneaks up again shoots the arrow bam in the in with the secretary out with the wife what is happening here now the feeling that he's feeling feeling about the secretary it's a real feeling but just like he fell in just like he had fallen in love in the first place he fell out of love and the question was or is what is the original feeling what was that based upon now many of us have had our own starry-eyed experience maybe where you were in a relationship time Stood Still you felt emotionally bonded and you felt as if it would last forever owing to see it slip away but the real truth is is that more often we often don't know how we got those feelings in the first place we know less how to keep them even less if we lost it how to get it back and this type of love that they were talking about when they say love is blind it's infatuation is blind anybody married here will tell you love is a magnifying glass right love is blinds infatuation is not an act of choice you're a victim it could be a cosmic accident it could be a random occurrence it's not something you work on it's something you do fatuation happens to us with little effort no work no commitment very much beyond our control so in truth infatuations is built upon real feelings but it's rooted in self-love not love for the other person self-love more about you less about the other person this feeling of fatuation is a feeling that results when there's something about the other person external to who they intrinsically are that has attracted you could be a combination of their looks their job their family status their popularity their friends social status where they live educational background any of those factors is an external Factor perhaps that could draw a person and then that feeling is not necessarily rooted in who they intrinsically are it's that external Factor has produced a feeling inside the person and these external feelings and these feelings produced from external factors can be incredibly illusionary because temporarily they could make you feel whole make us feel whole it could give us feelings of Greater affirmation validation confirmation and then it really fills deeper rooted issues like insecurity Lack of self-worth self value that you're worthy to be loved D and we are desperate to fill any of those holes inside of us so it's it's a little tricky sometimes those external things about people at first they appear certainly like the real thing love your neighbor as yourself teaches us you got to love yourself first definitely love starts for another person love starts with your own self-love your own self-acceptance self- value self-worth and the more you the more that you know that about yourself that you're worthy being loved the less I need from you the less I take from you the less it's about me it's the more about you and what I could bestow in who you are and those feelings those infatuating feelings are really Band-Aids to make ourselves feel whole and to the extent that those feelings are dependent upon these external factors is to the extent that when the those external factors change your feelings change the Band-Aid falls off and the feelings inside of us can change I have a friend who married an absolutely gorgeous girl nice girl they were really living in upper middle class life my friend is he's the guy handsome as can be and a huge economic downturn happened and their lifestyle changed dramatically and he started to search more for meaning and they had less of the entertainment restaurant vacation lifestyle and she became very confused with her feelings and she was sort of innocent in a way innocent and eventually unfortunately in this case she had an affair and they eventually got divorced now I want to say of course it's not all black and white she had true feelings for him but at some point at some level obviously what was mixed in was the lifestyle that they shared or his handsome look I don't you know it's pernicious you don't know what the mix is exactly I myself I remember coming home with uh finally the girl of my dreams in my 20s so I thought and I came home and I I introduced them my parents and I tell my parents how great this girl is and my and they they she leaves and my parents are like we don't know what you're we don't know what you're looking at and I was like really she's this and this and that and and and it was true and in the rearview mirror nothing but I was fooled Rabbi Noah Weinberg my Rosa at a Torah he said don't marry someone until you find five faults in them you hear that I'm not calling on you anyway it's not saying that you know the person that you want to be involved with it's not that you don't see that the person's a person and they have the greatness of character traits but like I mentioned how much is mixed in in the external factors uh and how much of that something about the person makes you feel big about yourself now I just want to make the following point before we move on I'm not saying I'm not suggesting that external factors are totally irrelevant and unimportant they do have a vital vital and important function it's like the wrapping of a birthday present the wrapping of a birthday present is to draw attention to represent that represents the beauty inside the package draw attention inside and the outer beauty should be commensurate with the inner beauty but don't get confused what's the main thing the outer and the inner the rabbis teach in pavos Altis banan elb don't look at The Jug rather you got to look at what what's inside why does he have to say don't look at The Jug because I I want to look at The Jug the Jug's the physical world the physical world is what I see but don't get confused about what's on the inside don't mistake the attractiveness and the shape of The Jug that it necessarily tells you about the wine inside but The Jug should be attractive enough to draw your interest and your curiosity about the wine still no matter and everyone who here who's married will tell you no matter how diligent you are in choosing a spouse I would say it's quite normal to discover a few surprises that Hashem has in store for you once you get married but we do our best now if we don't have a clear definition of love it's hard to know how to love and without a definition of love like what should I be doing it's just very difficult to generate the loving feelings on demand right I mean without a definition of what to do and how to do it then it seems like either you love somebody you don't love somebody or some people you just I don't find them lovable so to accomplish anything in life one needs a definition so I had this conversation with somebody I asked are you rich they said well what do you mean I said what do you mean what do you mean I said I can't tell you if I'm rich if you don't tell me what your definition is and that's true see Judaism has an interesting definition of Rich it's to be happy you need a definition with everything Rabbi Noah Weinberg used to Illustrated with this point he he used to say to us do you beo stick it's like what well just tell me do you beffo stick yes or no we'd say well I we can't I what's buo stick and he would say uhhuh if you tell me what bistic is I could tell you whether or not I butic so similarly in order to love I need a definition so I know how to acquire it hold on to it and get it back if it's lost so I'd like to share the following story that happened with my wife Denise in erit ISR and this is a true story this is one approach to the definition of love you're going to enjoy the story a great story it's is fun so my wife and I wanted to get married in Israel and if you ever want to do something complicated in life that tests your patience and your relationship and and and you like a lot of bureaucracy then you get married in Israel so there we were we were engaged and the big important day came where we had to get all of our paperwork together we had to go to three different offices and we needed the paperwork from Office one and office office two to take the office three on time and if you don't have it don't even bother it's a lot of pressure so before we continue just just one caveat I want to say when you're still in the engagement period with one another I say you're still in the sales cycle right you're selling yourself until the wedding happens when the wedding happens you're under the that's like the final sale no return but until that you're on your best vacation you're in the sales right you so you want to be on your best behavior and on the contrary during the engagement period you want to show your best right you want to be your absolute best to give the other person tremendous confidence about what they're getting who they're getting they're getting married very exciting exciting so that was my caveat for the following story so having said that our first appointment was 9:00 and I get there at 8:45 I like to be prompt know where this is going and here I am I'm waiting for Denise it's now 8:55 no big deal we're right the building's right there okay 9:00 comes 9:00 goes I'm bit concerned 910 now I'm getting a bit frustrated I'm more than a bit concerned now that we're going to miss appointment two appointment three oh my gosh I'm thinking like by 9:20 is this going to be my whole life I I hate being late I hate it and it's beginning to do on me the following I'm prompt she's not I begin to have what I call an allout thought attack now whatever I'm going to describe now is for every situation in our life I have an allout thought attack what is a thought attack and here I'm I get into my head I mean if she understood how important this day was to us how could she be late I mean she doesn't live that far she could have gotten up early gosh and so so many things started coming to my mind she had plenty of time to get there I called her last night to make sure she was up early she's so inconsiderate maybe she's an inconsiderate person I don't want to marry an inconsiderate person oh my gosh my mind was spinning out of control and now I'm focusing not only on this one negative trait I'm going through my Rolla deck right inconsiderate not thoughtful I got a my head's going right so I'm basically I'm at the point in my mind's eye that this marriage is going to be really a mistake and it's now 9:25 I'm ready to throttle her if she shows up and then I notice myself I I am a guy it's true but I have some level of self-awareness at some point in time you know my Rabbi Rabbi Noah orwick told me Rabbi Noah orwick he said there's two types of men there's men who don't get it and there's men who know that they don't get it so I'd like to consider myself the latter you know I mean by the way I just want to say I know it's funny I'm giving you the 10 habits of Love here I'm not Beyond reproach there was two times in my marriage where I was cold out on the carpet like you know my wife went to the rabbi apparently I wasn't listening so well and one was with r SCH ketki a big name and one was with r Yak burkowitz from erel if those know him he's a very big person twice you know I get into the office and there's my wife with the rabbi so I'm not be I just want to tell you my Beyond regular guy here anyway so I start to think about um myself like is this how I really want to act this what I want to really be I I I had some good times with her know I had some great times with her and she's the person I really wanted to marry and is this what I want to have happen she's going to walk in I'm going to throttle her and thank God I was in Yeshiva thank God because in Yeshiva one of the great things about being in Yeshiva is societal conditioning in Yeshiva everybody wants to be good everybody wants to do the right thing so you're always around many incredibly growth oriented people who want to be great and they share a lot of Torah wisdom so I start to think about Reb Noah Weinberg what what what would my re do and I remember him saying his understanding of the rambam's definition of love in the mitvah love your neighbor yourself and I I I start to hear Noah in my head love is a pleasure an emotion the pleasure that one receives when identifying Virtues Of another human being and identify that that person is one one and the same as their virtues I have to say it again Love's a pleasure like an emotional pleasure that one gets when you identify virtue in another human being and you identify that that person is one and the same as their virtues that's how you see them so and and and and and he explains that people are their virtues and their lackings are just an aberration to who they truly are they are their Divine Soul their beautiful selves their intrinsic identity as hem blew a breath into Adam aishima Adam became a living being he became a that is our intrinsic identity so RB Noah taught us to play The Love Game either in writing or in speech which is the for me I took out a piece of paper on the spot we're in the middle of the story still by way so on the spot it's 9:25 9:30 I don't know I take out a piece of paper and I start to write down all of Denise's virtues and I focus on the fact that these virtues are truly who she is what she wants out of life who they truly wants to be I I got to Virtue 27 when Denise came and she went from a moment herself a moment of oh my gosh I can't believe what I did to us I you're G to hate me and you're not going to want to marry me so that moment with Denise was a moment of love and connectivity where all my frustration shrank and that was that was the greatest thing that we could have shared in our life and that's why the story still now remains 23 years later um because it's a true story and that's it at that moment when Denise came all I saw was her virtues that's all I saw and the fact that she she was late was incidental an incidental the part of who she was yeah she was late yes it didn't it's not whitewashing it it didn't yes it bothers me that she was late and it bothers me that she's late even today she's late I don't like it but when it comes down to it it's not who she is and I see that much more clearly now I saw I at the moment I was doing the love it's called The Love Game and that's what you should do on the way home on the way home start thinking about the PE the person that you came with and share with each other this this is what I really find virtuous in you you got to do it all the time and we do this around our shabas table by the way all the time when I make a birthday card out for my kids sometimes I did do that for you once right I made a list of your virtues oh gosh what are you gonna say what are you gonna say I will tell you this my eight-year-old Ellie Ellie made for my birthday this year Ellie made a list for me of my virtues everything I give give her okay I do want to make one caveat if I can one caveat to just go back on something before we go forward I just want to point out the fact that it's an unbelievable thing to think that Judaism commands us to love how right how do you like you're commanding an emotion that is a revolutionary type of thing right and it's an obligation you know I was saying before like an obligation to love how can you how could God obligate us to love each other is that interesting question how commanding an emotion but now by the way now I kind of answered that a little bit commanding emotion one aspect of that was well I love is knowing another person's virtues and focusing on them that's how I can love somebody but let's just take one step back if we can please I just want to talk about how the word obligation because obligation is not a word so easily people relate to today I uh I work a lot with young Professionals in Philadelphia they don't like the word obligation people that have been around for a while obligation is a word that's much more comfortable but today's generation that you know and often times it could be at the table like Rabbi you can't obligate me to do anything either I love somebody or don't love somebody love is something that just happens to you right it's outrageous to consider that love is an obligation right so let me suggest the F this is what I say to them let me suggest that you're a lot more comfortable with the word obligation than you think let me illustrate I say to him should you love your neighbor is it is it a good thing to do love your neighbor it's a good thing it's a right thing to do love your neighbor you should right isn't should a little like obligation that's what you should do so furthermore then I say if they don't buy that I go look let's say you have two kids you got two kids and one of them says I hate my sister what would be your knee-jerk reaction as a parent what did your parents say to you you have to love your sister what are you talking about there's nothing more upsetting to a parent that gets a parent angry when one of the kids says I hate my sister and you're like for what and the the kid says well I I I I hate my sister I I can't love that brat and then you get really frustrated you say well why why well they took the bigger piece of cake what you know smack them really as parents we naturally obligate our kids to love each other so too Hashem obligates us to love each other okay now we can go forward one thing that we see in terms of focusing on the virtues is that love is based upon knowledge of the other and we see it in the in part V Hashem is thinking about telling Abraham about his intention to destroy sadom and Hashem says shall I conceal from Abraham what I shall do Abraham is surely to become a great and mighty nation all the nations of the earth will be blessed through him and then K says Hashem says for I have known him and Rashi on the spot says love Hashem loves Abraham why P continues because He commands his children and his household after him that they keep the ways of Hashem doing charity and Justice that's why Hashem loves Abraham because he knows who he is he sees him as his virtues the Torah also says that Adam had known kava love when kava Eve was finally brought to Adam what did Adam say oh this time bone of my bones Flesh of My Flesh that's the deepest knowledge po possible the deeper the knowledge about a person the deeper you truly see them for the Nisha that they are the deeper the permanent feelings you have for one another and those feelings are tied to their intrinsic Essence tied the soul of that person those feelings won't disappear so easily and if they do you have an Avenue a way to go get them back so I'm want to say focusing on a person's virtues is it's not just a technique it's a directional to the inner dimension of a person to know the other person they're in a sha and they're not the some quality or category of those external qualities that attracted you and those deepen o that those go away over time we see in the Torah I'm going to say one more Torah Source the Torah uh describes a comparison of two types of love the love of Aman and Tamar and the love of doid and yonathan yonathan so love between amnon and Tamar Tamar was his half sister that love disappeared right after he forcibly raped her that wasn't love it's lust the rabbis say that love although it wasn't love was dependent upon Tamar's Beauty and then it was done but the love between doid and Jonathan was based upon their love their intrinsic qualities about each other and they fulfilled the ultimate of love your neighbor as yourself as it says that yonathan loved David as his own very Soul beautiful okay so how do we move forward on this so I'd like to suggest the torah's description of bone of my bones Flesh of My Flesh and the fact that yonaton love dub it as it own soul suggests that the goal of all relationships the goal is very important if you just walked in this is the most important thing the goal of all relationships is Oneness whether you're married or you're not and having that goal of Oneness can help us in the relationship to know where you're going with it what direction and what you're shooting for so let's start with Oneness in marriage there are two accounts of the creation of man in the Torah the first one is Adam and kava are one unit you think you have problems one unit and in that account of the Torah it says that Adam Kaba and Adam together in one unit was made in the Divine image and in the image of God they were created and it says hasem blessed them they shared one mind one body One Soul one heart and it is that creation of Adam that was made in the Divine image and you simply apparently can't get better than that could you yet we see a second account of the creation of man when Adam were split up into two and there there's no description of man being created in the image of God so here's the question if Hashem was eventually going to split up Adam and Kaba into two why did he make them one unit in the first place and if the first account of creation of Adam and kava was one unit made in the Divine image with one heart and one Soul why I split them up that question I may not touch right now but the first one I will so what what's the reason why Hashem first made them as one if it was just going to split them up in the anyway so the int intuition will tell you your gut is that the goal hashem's telling you what the goal of all relationships and marriages Oneness one and we wouldn't have known that if Hashem just started out making two a creation of Adam and kav separately we would not have known that so when hasem brought Adam he brought K to Adam Adam was like oh bone of my bones Flesh of My Flesh and reality Oneness so so who is the same with your spouse sages teach us that you were one with your spouse in shiah at one point before you split off and came into this world 40 days after conception form of the fetus right right at that moment of your birth it was announced in heaven that you would be marrying your other Heaven your other half in this world and you come down in this world and you looking for your other half the whole time so you're one Soul above and now you're looking to complete yourself in this world the entire work of marriage is making that Oneness which is a spiritual reality when you get married with tion under the you fuse back together as one again in the spiritual world and now in the physical world you have to reflect that reality up on high until you feel in this world with your spouse I am she she is me now I was in Yeshiva at the time I heard what I thought at the time was the hokiest story of all time and at the time it made no impression on me and I thought it was like I don't want to say God forbid scoff but like Hokey so RBI AR lvin at sodic in our time there's a story a famous story they tell everybody tells his wife's leg was hurting they went to the doctor and he rushes to the doctor says do doctor our leg hurts I first heard that like come on right Talma described The Secret of marriage TMA describes the secret of mar marriage is seeing yourself and your spouse as one as if the following if you were cutting something with your right hand and you accidentally cut your left hand it would be like your left hand says give me that knife and cuts the right hand like you're cutting yourself when with our the other half of in our life our spouse when we have our difficulties we are just hurting ourselves because literally that is really the way it is if we see each other as one then just as that person has the greatest ability to see themselves as totally virtuous all the time that's the way we see ourselves totally virtuous virtuous all the time we see ourselves as our Highest Potential even if it's not actualized and if we see that other person like ourselves we can judge them the same way which is a beautiful idea love your neighbor your very self is the same concept of the Oneness for non-married relationships but exactly the same idea as we said the love between dub and yonatan fulfilled the ultimate of love your neighbor as yourself as it said yonatan loved do it as his own very Soul so I'd like to take it now one more step in a more practical fashion I would say up up until now we have a pretty strong philosophical love framework we've covered many of the essensual love prerequisites the ingredients but for the remainder of the talk I really want to talk more about how do we practically create cultivate and build a deeper connection with one another resulting hopefully God willing in a greater love together so the following is going to be the key so right now this is it if you hadn't heard anything up until now this would be this is the thing that this piece of wisdom is my favorite piece of wisdom in the world so it says in the rambam's explanation of the Mitzvah love your neighbor as yourself in the mishna Torah it says that one must cultivate a desire to fulfill what is important to your friend one must cultivate a desire to fulfill what is important to your friend a rabbi friend of mine Rabbi Noah orwick who I I've already now quoted a couple times he summarized this idea in the most practical definition of love that I I I I I think I like it better than the the virtues one what is important to you is important to me that's it what's important to you is important to me what else do you need as long as it's important to you that is what counts so I also heard from Rabbi orwick he wanted to flesh this out a bit and he said you should view you could view a Rel relationship as summing it up in the way of it's just about deposits and withdrawals our goal is to maximize deposits and minimize withdrawals a deposit is totally dependent not on the intention of the giver but totally dependent upon the feeling of the recipient it matters how the person felt about it it doesn't matter if you're like I was just trying to help my intention was good I'm just trying to give you constructive criticism withdrawal withdrawal withdrawal as long as it doesn't make the other party feel good it's a withdrawal now it might be necessary to make a withdrawal from time to time I would do it as sparingly as possible right and might certain circumstances of withdrawal making taking a withdrawal from somebody might be the right thing to do but make sure that bank account is overflowing with deposits before you do it maximizing deposits means that to the extent it's important to her it's to that extent that it will be a deposit that she will really cherish it will mean something to her but I have to point out that there are often times like it of course I would like to as many times as possible to deposit something that's very very important to my wife but sometimes something that's very important to her is something I really don't care about can that happen like flowers I don't care about flowers but it's important to her it could be something that I don't even want to talk about like the meal plan for the week it could be something that I'm not interested in like a Facebook video or maybe a show that she watched right it could be something that's very hard for me to muster energy to do like caring about the cleanliness organization and neatness of the house all the time right it could be something that I'm not natural at like putting down the toilet seat so or it's something that could find something very difficult to do something that requires a lot of energy a lot of time a lot of money now if you do do those those things for her and she is paying attention she's got to be able to pay attention to what you're doing for her and then she has to really appreciate the deposits you know sometimes people are just black holes you just do for them do for them do for them and they don't accumulate anything in their bank account separate topic and if she has an attitude of gratitude if she doesn't have the attitude it's just coming to me then anytime I do something that really hard for me not interested but is looms very large in her eyes now there's a huge big butt in here a big butt that's very important to understand in making this Paradigm work on a practical basis for all of us to the extent that those things for me are not interesting or not natural or hard or I don't feel like doing it if I do it it's a withdrawal from me at the same time I'm making the deposit for her that's just the honest reality of it right anytime I because it depends how I feel I'm doing something fantastic for her for her but if I'm not feeling it's hard for me then that is a withdrawal so if it's also her goal to maximize the posits and minimize withdrawals so if something's really really really important to her and she knows how I where I'm at where I'm holding in a particular area she'll be be a little sparingly and then if she's sparingly I'm more apt to do it and if she if she's sparingly I'm more actt to feel good about her and want to do more for her we work together this makes her it makes us constantly evaluate kind of what we do for each other in a certain way now of course the ideal in life is that every time I would do something for her it would be my absolute pleasure it would be LMA I'd be doing it for the sake of the right reason there would never be a withdrawal I what I'm like an angel what it's just my pleasure I would love life to be like that love it but this is a very realistic Paradigm and it depends upon one's honesty with each other and not being offended if your partner isn't where you think they ought to be they don't think of you as much as you think they ought to it it can't work that way you can't hope that your partner is someplace other than where they're at and that is a secret that's the secret of Love secret of connection secret that's the secret if you're interested I'm going off the off the sheet here you know I've been in Outreach I've been in Jewish educational Outreach for like 25 years and I did have my own relationship to some of these ideas in terms of Outreach I I worked for Rabbi Mel tski for five years in Milwaukee and rabbits in tski five years I was with them I saw the gim of gim of kiru ask me what they really do for kiru how they they built a community like almost from scratch there it's it's a beautiful Community they do really nothing they don't have any c of they do nothing you know what they do they they create a space inside of themselves to love a person they respect them they care about them and people want to be with Tes because they can just be themselves there's no expectation when you expect a partner to be anywhere else but where where they're at then you're interested in yourself because I it's arrogance I think you should be someplace else and you're not so the key to life certainly the key to this Paradigm is total acceptance of where the person is I wish he would be more sensitive but he's not where he's at right now because there's a certain innocence to that and you do want to have Goodwill together like we're both trying the best we can you have to feel that you do have to feel that we're both in this together this Paradigm and we're trying the best that we can so I just want to give over now an example how this all works a classic example would be like following for me it's it's 11:30 at night I'm past my bedtime I should be sleeping but my wife catches me that I'm I'm not yet I'm almost sleeping and my wife Denise tries to get my attention and after ignoring her twice I hear her honey would you please check the doors I don't know if they're locked honey trust me they're locked could you please check what's my goal what's my goal my goal is to maximize deposits how how important is is it to her immensely how much will it take out from me a lot now I need to know how important it is to her she needs to know how difficult it is for me whether I I want to do it or not the greatness of my wife is that she does not expect me to be anywhere that I'm at she it's it's really as I I Was preparing this class I I'm telling you I felt more love for her and I went and I told her I said H you're un it's plenty things we have our we have our stuff but she's a guttle in this she's tremendous so we use this Paradigm as our language that's what I like about this deposits withdrawals it's a language you could use together so I say honey I'll do it but it's going to cost you right okay okay and then she's okay with that like do you really want it honey do you like is that really important okay it's really important to you I'll do it okay so I just want to give another one personal example of how I went from lishma the last thing in the world is I ever wanted to do it to I now it's I've came I've come to a point of it's my pleasure all right lishma so uh I was in I was uh I started by the way at age 29 with olive base I spent seven years in erel at ASA Torah and my my wife and I were one of the founding rabbis and Ritson of Asa Torah Philadelphia and I was 20 20 years younger a lot of energy hard charging want to do great raring to go I'm all dressed up I've got my briefcase I'm going to the office and I'm just about to the car and my wife says honey I'm like what could she possibly want what what honey could you please take out the garbage now again this we're 20 years ago she is so inconsiderate so inconsiderate I go in I stamp around I take the garbage I'm like can't you see that I'm ready to go to work now of course I reflect on myself in the car how badly I behaved I call her up and honey I'm I'm so sorry really I'm so sorry I said anything to this I appreciate um honey would you would you please let me know in advance I out the garbage I still wasn't there yet hilarious so this is how men are I'm sorry I'm sorry I apologize I apologize for our species so um so anyway so I take out the garbage I take out the garbage at that point this is like stage one stage one is I take out the garbage because I want to be a good person I want to be a good husband I want to be a great right I want a great obituary when they talk about me I'll take out the garbage now then I realize of course that maybe just maybe I should take out the garbage because it's important to her and she shouldn't have to ask I should take it out I should I should take it out without her asking that's stage too all right I'll take it out without her asking but I'm still not into it I don't really like taking out the garbage the garbage doesn't really bother me I could just trip over it I like how she like puts it like right in front of the door you know and and like honey you stepped over the garbage but I didn't occur it didn't occur to me right can that happen that can happen so cuz it's not something I naturally think about so of course the goal is to raise it to the next level you know and I try to motivate myself right motivate myself I tell myself to the extent to the extent that she knows it's not important to me I couldn't care less then if I do it she feels really good about it for the sake of the relationship I get myself going a little bit now I just want to point out again she has to be very mature and not take it personally and be offended that it just I don't it just not important to me it's not personal although it appears that way so anyway I had an unbelievable experience about six weeks ago already I had a great exper one of the greatest experiences of my life I saw the garbage I was like g g the garbage and I picked up the trash I went to the garbage and I picked put it and on the way back back I'm thinking why is the garbage bothering me wow wow I'm bothered because it bothers Denise and that occurred to me that that's the story in Dr our leg hurts it's not so ridiculous and it's not so hogy I'm really bothered by the garbage now I like I am I'm bothered by the garbage now I've CH I'm I've redeemed myself but it's true because I was Comm committed to if it's important to you it's important to me that was my goal my goal is won this it was my it is it's my goal in the in the marriage it's her goal also and I want to want to care about what she cares about it's never going to be Kardashian but we'll do our best so couple of motivational strategies couple of motivational strategies okay the question really I have gotten plenty times before is how do I get myself to care about things I don't care about right how do I get myself to care about things I don't care about and do better at if it's important to you it's important to me these are strategies number one strategy missil sharam path of the just by the ramal says a per in paraphrasing the way RAB Noah Weinberg paraphrases the ramal a person's got to know what they're living for got to know what they're living for what do you truly want out of life you really want to be a good person want to be a good husband what do you want to have written about you at in your obituary right you're a soul you lived to 120 years you're hovering over the shiv of your family what do you want to hear about you Mom and Dad had such a special marriage there's nothing mommy and daddy wouldn't do for each other they're really were unbelievable how committed their loving relationship together what do you want that's what you want the vill neon says the ultimate purpose his slice of the ultimate purpose of life is to refine your character traits God is best defined as a lover walk in hashem's ways you must be a lover that is a life goal to be a lover and Judaism you know what Jewish spirituality is Jewish spirituality isn't I'm in touch and experience love I become a lover rooted in my character love your neighbor as yourself as the house too accomplish the greatest thing you accomplish be like God lastly rev desler R desla says his famous approach to cultivate love is simply to give and give and give to the other my insight I haven't looked at it so deeply to be honest my insight into that is I love myself above all else and the more I give of myself to my partner the more I see myself in that person and as they grow in reaching their potential I love that because that's a piece of me that becomes more I become more through what I've given her that's cool and I'm invested the more you give to something you're invested in it that's R dla these strategies can hopefully help you motivate yourself to care about just a couple more little points I do want to mention if in case you were asking the question in your mind mind why did Hillel the Elder say the essence of Judaism is that which is hateful to your fellow man don't do why didn't Hill say the PK in the Torah that's a good question why didn't Hill say when a con perspective convert came to him what's life all about Judaism all about Torah all about Hill should have said you have to R Koko he said no that which is hateful to your brother don't do I can't go into the suia now of course but the short of it is is that there is a perspective in the Torah that it's not possible to love your neighbor as yourself and there's a lot of proofs in terms of when it's myself and another person whose life comes first mine does so love your neighbor as yourself my life comes first and that it's not so realistic love your neighbor as yourself Hill's his understanding of the pet love your neighbor as yourself is that which is hateful to your brother don't do I have it as definitely it's got to be one of the 10 habits of love which is at least stop bugging your partner right Sur a to that which is hateful to your brother Sur just stop doing those things because those things are just tremendous withdrawals that's the quick of that the price tag of all of this is commitment you got to be committed to making this that there's nothing more important to you just like like any thing that's worth pleasure in this world every single thing that's a deep pleasure requires hard work effort discipline stiven consistency goal setting planning there is no such thing love is not a walk in the park but I want to tell you there is a paradigm for us to learn from that we can understand what commitment really looks like in our lives that's the relationship between a parent and a child relationship between a parent and child is this automatic axiomatic built in commitment a parent has a love for a child that's what we need in our life we're supposed to learn from that it's a purpose I just want to illustrate you ask a lady who's pregnant you say are you going to love your child what kind of kind of question is that what what if your child's going to be like that kid down the block that you can't stand you won't even let them in your house are you going to love your child of course I'm going to love him with your child no matter what a friend of mine Rabbi went to go visit a prisoner went to a jail on visiting day there was this lady there was some Jews there there was a lady who um whose son killed somebody and struck up a conversation and the lady's like he's such a good boy I love him no matter what lastly you never have a situation the following you never have Mr Rabinowitz gathered there the kids around the table and says kids I've got something really difficult to share with you I met the Steinberg kids I'm in love with the Steinberg kids and in a couple of weeks I'd like you to move your stuff out I like the Steinberg kids to move in what's unbelievable about that is the children are just we don't even choose our children they just kind of wind up on our doors you get what you get you know and you don't get upset and no matter what you love your child you don't choose it but we Cho we spend so much time choosing our spouse time and energy and yet it's a 50% divorce rate commitment we got to learn from that commitment all right I think you there's more but I think this that's probably plenty you got to be willing to pay the price tag all true pleasure have a price price tag and you got to be willing to pay the price tag um so these are the 10 now the 10 habits of love I I have a couple of different list that I made and I I purposely didn't make I made a decision not to necessarily bring the list but I was hoping that somebody here some people here would think would listen to The Shear come up with their own list I definitely will be coming up with my my list but I'd love I'd love some feedback so if anybody wants to email me uh my email is Rabbi or any thoughts I would love to hear any thoughts um my email is Rabbi Without Walls gmail.com Rabbi Without Walls atgmailcom um I'd love that's my brand Rabbi Without Walls I'd love to hear from you and uh this is God willing this is going to be part of a an excerpt of a larger book that God willing that uh we're working on I'm working on and uh hopefully will come out I really appreciate your your your patience I really do very much so you listen so and I hope I didn't MRI you more than than um had to all right thank you very much