Table for Two: Created for Connecting - Dr. Binyamin Tepfer

sitting with at this point hundreds of couples relationships that have worked that haven't worked I want to share with you a few thoughts tonight clues that those couples have left of what great relationships are made up of what are the ingredients that we find it's not a mystery and there are seven ingredients components I want to briefly go through that I think really get at the heart of relationships that work relationships that grow relationships that don't die but gets stronger and stronger as the years go on the very first one has to do with mindset each of us here have gone some point or another on a vacation to a hotel and the fancy of the hotel the less you're allowed to do if you go and you walk into the lobby right away there's a few people that come up with you talk mrs. and mr. you mistress we're going to take that for you and we're going to carry that feel and if it's even fancy we're going to drive you from here the 60 feet to when your room is and now we're going to sign it for you right we're going to pull the blanket down for you and we're going to pull you a cup of water for you and we enjoy that for a few minutes for a few days that scene number one shift for a moment you decide that you're going down to a strong exercise fitness program you're looking for your trainer who's going to be the one that's going to push you and you're in this place and finally have this guy or this lady who's adding more weights than you can even imagine if a lifting and they don't help you an iota and they say start lifting you look and you say I never lifted before any weights and after one if the two your arm is dying and your body is about to collapse and they say I want five more and then after five you think you're done they say now another two and you write and then you leave and you say I think that's my person beat me up they were tough they pushed me my question for all of us here tonight is to begin with what's the mindset there are two mindsets that people enter marriage into relationships with my said number one is I don't want to lift an extra finger at any point exert any extra effort do any extra annoyance what is it going to give me there are other people that walk in ready for nothing else other than to work to put in effort because there is no gym there is no fitness or training to make a person grow as a human being as a person to stretch to expand to become bigger than ourselves than a relationship than marriage therefore the first clue of successful relationships is not who you married is not exactly how much money or how pretty or how successful it's the mindset that the two individuals enter and constantly keep in their focus which is I'm here committed to cure for another person I'm here to grow and those kinds of individuals and those kinds of relationships give back tenfold because the focus is not constantly counting keeping score but it's a commitment to making themselves in their relationships tastic and great let's clue number one number two clue number two is looking at ourselves first looking at what we're contributing the problems what we're contributing to shortcomings and I want to give you an example two days ago so a woman who comes into my office and says I cannot believe it I'm frustrated I'm fed up I'm ready to leave it has been 23 years since I can remember my husband has even thought about taking me out and the last thing on his mind I've had enough everything is more important than I am and after talking with her for a few minutes I asked her have you ever mentioned have you ever asked have you ever expressed that it's important for you to go out to spend time and she told me her rule and that's the next number two I want you to focus on we each make rules and her rule was as follows if I have to ask for it it's meaningless it's worthless it has to be thought of on its own and I said to her well that's a very very convenient rule because that rule will guarantee and will ensure that you will be miserable for your entire married life and you know who made up that rule you did and you know who can rip up that rule and make a new rule you can we all have rules that don't serve us so well in relationships and the second point is we have to honestly look at ourselves we often noticed something that's not right in the other person and you know why it's usually a good because it's mr. imperfect that's married to mrs. imperfect but it's only the people that can't ever notice or can't ever honestly look inside themselves that they share a different color shape size of some sort of imperfection that binds the two people as being human beings often another way that we sabotage that we bring our own stuff to stop a relationship from developing is the words too little too late whenever you hear yourself thinking or saying that's too little well that's too late that comes from a rule that had to have been there was a deadline that passed already there's a certain quota that has to be met those rules keep relationships frozen that don't allow them to move forward if we want things to happen more what do we do instead of stabbing them we appreciate them we reinforce them are they imperfect of course they're imperfect when they happen of course they're too late but we accept we appreciate and then we get more of it when we don't have that rule it has to be exactly like this in exactly like that rule number three clue number three a typical Friday night you come home from shul your wife asks you so what's new what's doing in shul tonight and I'm going to stereo type a little bit nothing we daven Kabbalah shabbos mincha maariv we came home and I'm here now I know but did anybody who was there and what happened then and then she goes to shoot tomorrow the next day and they're walking home he's just how come you didn't tell me she had a baby he died this one is divorced this one's getting married this one doesn't want to be married this one is the rabbi's away in the new rabbit there's so much that's going on relationships consists of two different people that need two different things first and foremost it exists of a man and of a woman and typically typically not always men aren't as comfortable sharing so point number one is that we have to understand that we have to appreciate that the person were married to very often our wives need us to be sensitive to that to notice I always tell people if we were pay a thousand dollars for every fact you came home Friday night with from sure oh he would have he wouldn't stop talking the whole night things that he noticed things that happened things that didn't even happen that he made up happen things that are going to happen and it would be a noisy a whole whole meal would be going on it would be silly so much rifter we have to look at it that way there's a mission that says Hashem loves us but it says he bought his Sarah no das laughs an extra measure of love was given because he made it known it means that if you want to know how to go to that place of FIBA you Sarah it means no das lehem it means putting our thoughts into words making it known to another person not just what goes on feelings that are happening inside us that's come natural doesn't match with a lot of us but no time for him I was listening a couple of years ago a very interesting interview I usually don't hear an interview of a soccer player but this was an interesting interview it was a goalie one of the most famous soccer player goalies that that one many championships and they were interviewing him and he said a very very interesting thing he said you know I'm different than everyone else on the entire field he said everyone else you know is remembered and can even make the highlight films because they can score goals they could make extra points for that team he said I have the toughest really most difficult job he said you know why he said I only make the headline when I make a mistake it's the only thing people remember about a goal is he gave up a goal I'm supposed to save everything and if I save you know only 98 out of 100 I messed up and relationships are different as men have to open up and share I'm stereotyping right now very often very often in terms of the role that women play men will say I feel like I'm a goalie that I can only sometimes be noticed and I can only be spoken to if there was something that I forgot if I got only 98 out of 100 it's the two and we have to understand then we have to remember that as well that we're talking about different people and that the need for example of a woman is to feel needed very often is to feel like I'm important like you're thinking like you want to share with me and very often the feeling of a man is I want to feel adequate I want to feel accepted i want to feel good enough I want to feel like I'm a successful husband and therefore we each have to know that which have to remember them be sensitive to that to not go into goalie syndrome and to not go into closed up system or syndrome as well when we got married early on i remember i would constantly ask my wife when we had a little bit of quiet time if she wants to go out and take a walk together I had grown up my parents the way that they would spend time they would love to go to the park and they would take walks and I automatically thought that that's how share time you go out and especially I'm beautiful nice night you take a look what else is there to do how else can you spend time and really get to talk and open up there's no distractions outside and to my surprise my wife almost every time said none I'm not really in the mood of taking a water we could drive to whether we have to go in order to go and automatically my rule my definition was that's how couples show interest in each other that they want to spend time with each other and what was it automatically projection personalized right I'm not somehow enough to interesting enough to spend time with point number three is a relationship consists of two different individuals two different preferences to be able to tune into how the other person wants to spend their time of course you wanted to spend time but not walking around a park she wanted to spend it sitting at a at a night like tonight at a table to be able to not just impose our preference or our idea or our rule but to understand this two different people and each of them to stop judging assessing is your way or your taste is it does it does it meet my adequacy is it is it does it meet my standards to just take the other person's preference seriously because it's the other person's preference number four what successful couples know is the following yeah I get a text a couple of days ago there's a guy who was going through a very difficult time in his marriage and borrow her shrimp things are much better and it's right before she Lewis and the text was I want to know if you think it's time yet that I should bind my wife this really beautiful thing the present right before sugar or sprite before the under and my answer to him was absolutely not point number four and all the women are saying what that was terrible in life what are you talking about point number four it's the slight edge the small things that are going to make the biggest difference because this person this individual throughout his marriage was always looking and is always looking for the big moment and for the big present and for the big card and what successful couples show us the clue that they leave us is it's always a consistent small things and nowadays more than ever do you know that if you just look at a person for a couple of minutes when they talk you're already doing them the biggest favor in the world because no one no one looks at anyone anymore for a couple of minutes and actually listens we all just you know say one set 1701 for one second I mean right just to be able to to do a simple thing like that is small just tell her the phone sometimes ring and say we're middle of talking i'll pick that up in in a minute you do that repeatedly over and over again in small different ways a little smile over the course of days and weeks and months what that does for a relationship it's not necessarily the big things but relationships consists of consistently doing small things I I remember I heard a beautiful sheer the grandson of the topic of your feline room re Levin said one year he was a small boy he begged his father he was living in America can I please go to your shall I want to spend ello by my grandfather by a barrio lavinda that saw the curb you shall I and he said My father agreed I took her off i missed school i went for one month i was living by my grandfather that time he had lost his wife already I was just living with me and him in his apartment in yerushalayim and I spent the entire month of ello rosh hashanah included and i came back to America I was a young boy of 10 or 11 and he said and the years later I remember he said I can think back people asked me my father asked me so what was it like how was it spending L with your grandfather my friends asked me my Robin asked me he said till today I can describe it to you as follows he says it was absolutely nothing special that went on the entire month he said all I learned from my grandfather was that he did the regular things so carefully but every single thing there was no there was no there's no cutting corners that's what I learned the whole month that we don't have to do anything very fancy or anything very big but each person he greeted he just did whatever he was doing already in life but he did it a little bit better that was his elbow there was no there was nothing special nothing extraordinary so great couples happy couples no it's the regular things that we're doing but it's just can we say goodbye a little bit better and we say hello can we listen a little bit better look can we just remember the other person's think about the other person when they're not in front of us a little bit more often those are the things that it takes to make a marriage great number 5 i'm going to ask you all you're going to spend 20 seconds doing the following thing for 20 seconds you're going to look around and notice from your seat as many blue items that you can notice just from sitting in your seat i'm going to count to 20 and it's going to be over okay one two three go done all right now raise your hand if you noticed three or more green objects I didn't I didn't ask you to notice clean and that's why none of you noticed it because number five is a very simple thing it's the power of focus it's the power of what we're told to look for or what we're trained to look for versus what's in front of us I'm sure there's some green in front of us but I didn't ask you to look for it and therefore it was right in front of you and none of you noticed it what great relationships are made up of our people asking themselves really good and important questions and not asking themselves constantly lousy and unproductive questions what do I mean let me give you an example we focus on what the question that's existing in our minds is let me give you an example of a bad question you ready for this one what is wrong with him so you know what you're going to focus on what is wrong with him and your mind will come up with all sorts of possibilities it's like a Google search you don't have five billion results of what's wrong with him or when is she going to stop annoying your mind will come up with tons of either reasons or tons of scenarios of how and when and why and how she will not ever stop annoying because we're focusing on a specific kind of question and what's amazing is if we ask ourselves better questions to get better answers what do I mean let me give you an example of a good question I'm sitting there with couples all the time and they've never asked these questions and suddenly when they're asked these questions their demeanor their face their focus changes what are some of the best memories have with her what isn't it best memory I didn't know him well there was the time that we there was the time that we went together did it it was the conversation that we had it was the shabbos in my head what are some of the best qualities of your husband right different question you get different answers and people who are in successful marriages happy marriages are constantly putting in their minds better questions and if you have better questions you get better answers and people that have lousy marriages if you listen to their questions it's always out of an area is this going to ever get better lousy questions produce lousy answers and great questions produce great answers and they change everything in a heartbeat number six number six is not what I were probably anyone here would expect a woman recently came to me with the following complaint she said this is going to sound strange my husband is just too nice now what does that mean exactly he's too nice what number six is as follows great relationships mean that there are two individuals to adults that are real that are authentic and that allow themselves to also have some needs let me explain what I mean not that they're self-centered or so focused but there are certain relationships there are certain people not everyone that are more comfortable almost in a parent-child relationship meaning I'll come to this relationship barely have any needs there's nothing but I ever asked you for nothing I ever prefer everything is amazing and great and no one ends up happening in those relationships the other person feels superfluous or on necessary were not needed because he's basically he doesn't have an image it's just always ok and always happy and the truth is is that in a subtle way there's a certain sense of control for people who have it because if I don't really admit that I have preferences that I have needs I never have to rely on another person if I never after a lie another person I never I'm going to be vulnerable right so number six is that in a respectful and considerate way we also have to allow ourselves to receive on some level so there are there are couples that have coming and the end of them and an hour the husband will complain my wife doesn't let me buy her flowers because it's she says a waste of money and we can afford it or she doesn't let us go out because of x y&z it's too much mistress too much time to allow ourselves to receive is also an important element of relationships because it means that we're allowing ourselves to rely on another person and people need to feel needed and necessary and we have to be aware are we in that control safety mode that I don't have to rely on another person and finally the last ingredient is that years pass by and we spend not months not even years decades it's the same person and the challenge that we all have to face is if you remember as a kid the time you know shabbos afternoon came around and you had a friend who was over sleeping wasn't at the time you're sort of like ready for shabbos to end and maybe they would go home or you would go home do you have there's a certain period of time where we run out of interest or excitement novelty but great couples research shows this that do the right things not only did they survive they thrive the role lationship grows and 40 50 years later it's incomparable to what it was after 10 and 20 years it keeps on growing it keeps on increasing these two people keep on getting closer and closer can't imagine living without one another how does that happen how does that happen in the tenth grade I had a teacher I don't remember anything he told us except for this he asked us one day they've shared this with you he said mathematically it's impossible for anyone here to leave this room and this was right before the bell was ringing and we hope that very nervous wouldn't mean it's impossible first leave this room will get mad at around two minutes and he said well in math you know you have to first before you go the whole distance have to go half it's all right you said yeah is that then you have to go half of that distance and half of that distance and then there's infinite halves that we can keep on dividing that space into ad infinitum and therefore it's a journey of infinity for you to leave this room and we were all template and scratch their heads and then the bell rang we all just ran and we were gone but I remember this weird strange question as an interesting question I mean we can get out of this room but it's an interesting concept yeah I don't know keeps on splitting a certain way later on I found that there's a fancy name for it's called Zeno's paradox it's a mathematical problem and people in universities that have nothing more important to do right loaned equations to solve that mathematical problem but what I took away from it look working with couples is the following concept of following idea and I want to share with you early on in relationships what happens is the following there's enormous ground that's covered so speak between two people two people or two different worlds and early on in a relationship what happens is is enormous Graham comes we learned so much about another person will retain even early on the marriage and then it's already 50 yards and then act as the years go on it's maybe 25 yards and then it's 12.5 we're getting infinitely closer to one another but what happens is the following we start to realize it's only the people that are together for years and are constantly focusing to learn more about the other person constantly committed to caring about another person that will learning more about their soul what about their preferences despite the fact that they're imperfect what happens is they continue this infinite journey between two people closer and closer towards one another and they get to a place where it's minuscule that new little thing that they were able to learn about the mystery of another human being but that's something that you can only get after years and years and years of tuning in to another person those are little diamonds that are only there as the years and years go on everyone it's exciting to cover the beginning that your ground but that's cheap ground so to speak that's easy we can simply we can get to know each other we can talk for five hours you can tell me although exciting stories but as the years go on and I stay curious and I stay committed to another person that journey never ends and it keeps on in a fascinating way showing me more and more about another person there was a great college basketball coach he used to tell his players it's what you learn after you already know everything that makes all the difference it's what you learn after you already know everything that makes all the difference about another person you think you ready know everything if you keep on keeping your eyes open to who they are accepting it instead of assessing your judging and approving the other disapproving of it it's the fact that it's them and those are the seven things I believe that great couples great relationships are made up of some of you may identify with some of them with many of them something from what we said tonight all of us can take it can focus on and can continue this journey but we've set on when we get first got married we're continuing it tonight and over a lifetime a commitment to a relationship that gets infinitely closer and closer as the years go on thank you so much for allowing me to have this privilege wish you all the best