Share More Appreciation for One Another - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] one of the biggest prongs and marriages is after a few years after the couple has experienced their excitement and the early connection of their marriage and thank God maybe they've had a few children something tends to happen just around the time when people have about two children marriages begin to change a little bit and what's the obvious reason for that when a couple had their first child they were excited to have that baby it was a new person in this world they're getting used to having that baby staying up late at night taking the kids to the park putting your child to sleep it's perhaps a lot of fun for certain people it comes with certain stress but it's also a new and exciting experience what happens when a couple has their second child it begins to change when they had their first child it was two parents on one child when they have their second child it's the mother or father's alone it's one parent against two children it's much more complicated comes a lot more stress and a lot more responsibility so I find that a lot of marriages have trouble just around the two child mark and I've almost made it a joke in my in my practice often couples come to me and I often joke and say do you have two kids because ninety percent of the time that's right ninety percent of time couples come to me just when they have that second child and I began to understand it's because the stress has really actually doubled at that point and things are harder in their marriage so it's extremely important that couples begin to understand the process they're going through at that time sometimes couples begin to fight more or get disappointed with one another because it's just so busy with the children it's so important to renew your marriage at that point there are a few keys I want to give you on how to renew your marriage when things are difficult the number one principle is you need to give each other break so if your wife is taking care of the kids for hours and hours hours and you coming home late for work I know it might be hard for you but it's important to give you a wife a break after you come home give her like an hour or so maybe you want to help put the kids to sleep and take care of them give your wife that full break that she really deserves that's number one number two is it's so important to spend time together just talking to one another and schmoozing one another how do you have a great schmooze with your wife it could take anywhere between five and ten minutes what I'd like you to do is four different things the first thing I want you to do is share an appreciation with your spouse note something special about them it could be something we have done in the past and can be some special quality I had one couple to me once the husband's head to the wife you know i usually do the dishes at night but i went to bed late last night i was so tired but you did the dishes for me i welcome the more i felt so good the house looks so beautiful so share that appreciation with your spouse perhaps your spouse is a hard-working parent perhaps your spouse made a beautiful shabbat table for you perhaps your spouse send you a beautiful birthday card and gave you a beautiful president made you feel good about yourself it doesn't just have to happen that day could have happened in the past but we know one thing for sure everybody loves when they get an appreciation so when you start speaking your spouse share some appreciation with your spouse number to share some new information talk about your day what went on with your day who did you speak to it work perhaps you read something interesting in the newspaper on the on the internet perhaps as a new vacation like to take pap perhaps there's an opportunity for you to buy something new whether it's your car home and you want to share with your spouse share some new information number three talk about things that puzzle you things you're not sure about you know we have all these bills coming up and how are we going to afford to pay for our vacation or a young programming or something new in our lives talk about some of your things things that confuse you and maybe things you're concerned about and the fourth thing is share your hopes wishes and dreams I'm sure many of you when you got married perhaps you had dreams that you want to accomplish you're helping hoping to take the trip to go to erics Israel perhaps you are looking forward to buying a home perhaps you're looking forward to having children spend a few minutes simply expressing your hopes wishes and dreams and the third most important thing is to spend some quality time together take a walk together go in a little stroll with one another go to the park together whatever it is try to spend some quality time with your spouse if you work on all these three levels I guarantee you more happiness in your marriage and even you have barakah Shem two children or more you're going to reconnect because you're making your marriage that priority your life and that brings tremendous happiness welcome to this new series and he's a brute called marriage matters my name is rabbi daniel shonda and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world we affect on this important series i will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationship but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on this new show