Secrets to a Happy Life - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] I'd like to share with you the seven secrets of living a happier life the first is to increase the use of positive words to do that make a list over the next few hours of the types of words use are the negative words are they positive words if you have a ratio of more negative words to positive words you probably not going to be very happy but I want you to do instead is to increase your positive words for example if you were using words like sad angry disappointed and so on change them to positive words instead use other words like joy gratitude abundance beautiful calm delicious sweet enjoyable I want to promise you one thing if you start using more positive words you're going to feel more positively I'll tell you a true story a mother once came to me about her teenage son she told me he was rebellious negative and spoiled you know what I told her stop using negative words to describe your son instead use positive words he's creative he's capable he's resourceful at times and you know what happened when that mother started using positive words to describe her son she started feeling differently she started feeling happy about her son and you know what her son started feeling happier about her as well when you use positive words they are contagious and they affect not only yourself but people around you as well the second secret happiness is to broaden your perspective sometimes people feel like they're stuck like things are terrible one day I woke up for example it was raining I missed my bus I'm standing at the corner a car drove by and splashed water on my feet I was late for work my boss was unhappy so it was so easy to become sad so quickly in those cases it's important to use the power of the Torah Rabbi Akiva told us kolmad dahveed Rahman Allah tava vide everything that God does is for good I'd like you to realize that anything that happens to you in life is only because of Qatar Sparkle only because God wants it to happen to you remind yourself tell yourself those words everything that God does is for the good everything that God does for the good keep on repeating it to yourself and therefore you broaden your perspective even Rabbi Akiva one of the greatest rabbis in history who suffered terribly at the hands of the Romans despite a suffering he believed that everything God did was for the good and so can you the third secret to being crappy is using positive affirmations if you close your eyes for a few minutes and listen to your thoughts often you can have a lot of negative thoughts I'm failure I'm hopeless I'm scared of being abandoned I'll never succeed I don't measure up to other people I'm just not good enough nothing ever comes my way I want you to change that inner voice I want you every day to use positive affirmations like these I'm worthy of love I'm a capable individual I'm a responsible human being I can give and share love God loves me God gave birth to me like a parent gives birth to a child and then from love infinitely by an infinite God I'm a beautiful person I'm a loving person I'm a caring person I'm a person who's able to share my love and goodness with all those around me I also want you to use positive affirmations about other people instead of thinking negatively about them think positively about them look for the good qualities in every human being I'd like to tell you a tremendous affirmation that you need to believe about yourself from every knocking of Brazil he quoted the helium the Psalms that satisfies ode my art the aim Russia Odin art means a little bit more than Russia and there is no badness heat burn on to Alma Como and meditate on his place in a no and he is not there anymore what does this mean maybe Nachman explains like this in every person there is a tremendous source of goodness in yourself and in other people you just have to focus more on that and that's what the of anomalous was telling us in feeling he said like this owed not a little bit more in every person there's no badness enron shop but think about that person's goodness people not the el mocambo I think about your own goodness think about their goodness the NA no and you're no longer bad I'd like you to start using positive affirmations that people around you look for their positive points even if they're difficult at times or perhaps annoying they always have good points look for those good points this person is carrying this person loving this person is giving this person's creative the more you start affirming others as well I guarantee you more happiness the fourth secret to being happy is constantly reading books of that positivity and most importantly I want you to put down your cell phone I want you to stop watching all the negative news in the world I want you to think about positive things and thank god there's some wonderful books today and I like you to go ahead and buy them search them online and start reading them every day read about positive people read about positive ideas here are just some small examples of positive books books by rabbi's Alec Pushkin gateway to happiness many books on happiness many books on overcoming depression and anxiety read the books of ramazan Plissken read the works of Rabbi doctor Avram torski they're very inspirational they exude positivity and happiness and hopefulness read the stories about that they argue Levine but Sadiq in Jerusalem we'll call that Sadiq in our time wonderful stories I was able to make people happy in his life care for other people these are inspiring stories it's much more important now to focus on these positive stories then focus on the negative stories that are reading in the media today the fifth secret I want you to use is think joyfully how do you think joyfully how do you use words to feel more happy in life I'm going to give you a list of some words that you can use as files each word say about 10 or 12 or 15 times and as you're saying these words associate positive images or memories with this words for example if you said the word joy joy joy see when you start singing you start feeling well differently think of joyful memories perhaps associate that we're joy with the birth of a child do that for a few minutes say there were joy think about the birth of a child joy birth Virchow you start arousing a sense of positivity inside take the word goodness and associate goodness imagine a young man helping an older woman cross the street and think about the word goodness imagine feeding orphans imagine bringing somebody to your Pesach Seder or has no money and say the words goodness goodness the more you aroused that thought and feeling of goodness more you're going to feel happy or take the word love think about the times where you felt loved think about the people who have loved you take the person who has loved you the most in your life maybe your parent maybe a friend maybe your spouse maybe your child maybe a cousin or maybe a friend say the word love over and over and over again whilst thinking about this person I guarantee you you're going to feel more happiness the sixth secret is gratitude take out a piece of paper and pen and write down five things everyday that you feel gratitude for for example be thankful to a Shem for your job for your money for the home you live in perhaps you have a car perhaps you've been on a vacation perhaps you're feeling healthier and been sick for a while but now you're better write down every day five things that you feel gratitude towards and I guarantee you're going to shift your emotions from the negative to the positive I told the story to one of my clients one day and he said he's been working on this for years and he shared with me a tremendous story my client told me that he was working very hard every day on his gratitude list but just yesterday it was a dark and rainy day and by all accounts it wouldn't bring a lot of happiness to most people living through that day through the weather but he thought and thought and thought how can I turn this to a positive what gratitude could I have for even a great dreary rainy day he says as follows sometimes you drive either in the morning or late in the afternoon and the Sun is blinding your eyes and most of you have experiences if you're a driver he said he said he thanked the Kurdish bar who because today was rainy and overcast his eyes weren't blinded by the light the seventh secret to being happy is forgiveness make a list of all the people who've heard you right the smaller transgressions against you perhaps the larger transgressions and take this list and right now I want you to open up your heart even if you're not ready to tell them that you forgive them for a few minutes imagine yourself forgiving them saying I understand what happened I forgive you it's okay try to rise above the pain in the hurt and if possible and of course if they're not abusive we're saying as well if possible forgive them in your heart and watch your emotions see if you've been holding on to anger you can't forgive certain people cease by forgiving them just a little bit you start seeing a little healthier and a little happier and if you have a lot of strength now go to them and forgive them for something they did wrong to you those are the seven secrets towards being copy and I guarantee you if you work on these seven things every day you're going to experience more happiness in your life welcome to this new series in Vita Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and on the license and family therapist based in New York and around the world we're stuck on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue dealing with family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michelle