Respect: The Secret to a Successful Marriage - Rabbi Neriya Aminov

[Music] [Applause] [Music] I wanted to talk about a very important topic um I think probably is one of the most important topics in raising children and marriages and that is respect you know a lot of the times the husband and the wives feel that my husband doesn't respect me my wife doesn't respect me I think that's one of the biggest um quarrels that we have in relationship not not enough respect I want more than what she's giving I want more than what he's giving in respect wise so I wanted to talk a little bit about respect and I wanted to talk about the obligation of a husband to respect his wife and the obligation of a wife to respect her husband first I want to want to start with a thought that I had when I was about 23 years old when I learned the par and the Torah and it was talking about the building of the house of God the building of the mishkan in the desert over there God describes how we should build each tool each vessel that was used in the temple in the house of God and in great great details how to build it one of the things that they build is the ramp the ramp the M where they brought up the sacrifices the altar right that the kohanim would have to go up to go on top of it and Slaughter and burn the animal on top of it the the sacrifice so the way for them to go up is they didn't have steps they had a ramp like this that they would climb up slowly like that step by step and they would will not lift their leg up in the air basically slowly slowly it will go up the ramp God says I want the kohanim to go up like that and not on steps in order that's what it says in the Tor do not go up with steps to my to my altar why because I don't want the kohanim to lift their legs and show a body part that is not modest on top of the stones of the M now theim very interestingly they had many many outfits and Under The Outfits they were wearing pants so there's nothing shown everything was modest they had robes and under the robes they had pants but Rashi explains what is God saying over here Rashi explains since these stones of the M are stones that you need stones that you use for your own benefit to atone for your sins you should have respect for them and don't move your body on top of them in such a way that you're revealing your private area on top of those stones that's a Rashi explains if you need something you should respect it and don't move your body over it in a way that you're disrespecting it that's what the Torah is telling us a Mitzvah in the Torah and then Rashi says very interesting observation Rashi says wow that's amazing if the Torah is telling us to be so careful with stones that don't have feelings don't have emotions they're not made in the image of God how much more so you have to be careful with the feelings with the emotions of a human being who gets very upset when you make fun of him when you disrespect him and gets very hurt when you hurt when you when you disrespect him and he's made in the image of God how much more so you have to respect a human being that's what Rashi says now you guys are all thinking individual I'm sure individuals you're all thinking to yourself one second what's going on over here something is wrong let me ask you a question when you go up to to the BET mikdash place you know you go to the what do you feel you feel the Holiness of the place you feel the intensity especially if you haven't been there in a long time you feel the intensity of this is the temple Mount where they used to bring the sacrifices the holy of holies you feel all these these great overwhelming emotions of fear and awe and respect for the place for Stones right how do you feel when you stand next to your friend you don't feel too much uh awe too much respect too much feeling of w what's Rashi telling us over Rashi telling us exactly the opposite of what we feel rash is telling is rash is teaching us the opposite of the truth to us what happens if somebody drops a Fillin on the floor you know what happens in sh 25 guys will jump to jump on the fill and to pick it up first who has the Mitzvah the opportunity to pick it up first and when the guy will turn to the guy and tell him thank you so much for picking up mying you know what the other guy told him it's not for you it's for God it's filling it doesn't really mean that but people feel like this is for God Rashi is telling us exactly the opposite Rashi is telling us this filling that fell down on the floor is not as holy as your friend who's sitting next to you in sh is not as holy rash is telling us right the stones of the M of the altar since they're holy and since you need them you should be respectful to them and don't move in such a way that you have to lift your leg up that's why God made a ramp how much more so a human being who's made in the image of God and has feelings and emotions and is hurt when you make fun of him or when you when you disrespect him so rash is telling us a human being is more holy than the right let me ask you a question imagine somebody the theim come to you and they tell you um either you let us kill this Jew or we're going to burn the saer Torah your choice what we what are we going to tell them bur burn 10 safer toras burn 100 safer Tas be happy let us have this Jew let's say the Nazi Germany people tell you uh either we're going to have to burn your sh down or kill this Jew burn 10 shs down let's say na Germany tells you we're going to burn the ISA with the sa Torah with the books with the garas all the all the what are you going to tell them burn it all down this Jew is more valuable is more important than any holy article in the world when God wanted to destroy the Jewish people when they sinned in the time of the first temple and the second temple what did God do he said instead of destroying the Jewish people I will take my anger out on the stones of the beta mikdash I will burn the BET mikdash down I'll send myself into Exile burn the house of God down but I will not touch I will not not destroy the Jewish people to God a Jew is more important than any holy thing in the world on the world the reason why filling is Holy is because a holy man had cavana he had intention to write God's name with Holiness inside the Holiness inside this filling came from a human being if a writes down a saer Torah a sits and he writes a whole saer Torah it has no Holiness he could take it and put in a garbage again with the same letters all the Holiness come to the safer Torah from this human being so Rashi is telling us a very very important lesson over here Rashi is telling us that the human being is more holy and deserves more respect more than any holy thing in this world how do we feel about human beings that are sitting next to us how much respect do we give them how do we feel wow this is a human being you know when you walk to the cotel and you kiss him you kiss the cotel that's how you're supposed to feel about a human being can can you're so cool can I touch you that's what you're supposed to feel now let me ask you guys a question I don't get this Rashi when I read this Rashi about 20 something years ago when I was a young guy in Yeshiva I had a question I said I don't get this rashi rashi doesn't make any sense to me why the stones in the beta mikdash the safer Torah didn't don't have any sins they don't have impurities imperfections the saer Torah is done perfectly one letter is missing it's not Kosher it's fill in one thing is missing it's not Kosher you know if it's not black not it has to be 100% black if it's has some white dots on it can't use it mosu said that's what God told him a human being has anger problems jealousy problems desire problems he lies He Cheats he he's always you know unhappy what are you comparing a human being to the saf Torah why are you comparing human being to the bet mikdash when I go to the cotel you know why I kiss the cotel these Stones never sin they're holy Holiness was put into them what's Rashi talking about what's the obvious answer I asked my son this question 9 years old you told me about daddy the human being is made from part of God he cannot become contaminated a human being cannot become tummy it cannot become impure the human being is made from God can God become not pure God cannot become not pure the human being is made from God inside of inside the human being is tellim the image of God is within us we we forget that we think of ourselves as low because we sin Rashi is telling us a very important message over here no matter how much you sin no matter how much you disobey God no matter how much you curse no matter how much you steal no matter how much you cheat no matter how much you Jud jealous no matter how much you get angry no matter how evil you are inside of you there is a peace of God that will never ever be contaminated it's only about peace well that's who you are you know after 120 years the way I look at it is know you have a Coca-Cola bottle and you have a Sprite bottle the Coca-Cola bottle is full the Sprite Sprite bottle is empty you take the Coke and you spill it into the Sprite so you have a Sprite bottle with Coca-Cola inside what's inside what's what's inside over there Sprite or Coke mix no it's it's Coke cuz there's no Sprite it was empty oh EMP it was empty right so was only Coke so your body is the bottle what's inside of you is the content is who you are your soul is who you are your body is not who you are it's just an outfit so you're right it is part of what you are but it is who you are really what defines you is your soul you're right there are imperfections and there are that's the way God made us to perfect ourselves you know God made us in a way that we were born we need to get in order to teach us that the human being came into this world to change to improve to perfect himself that's why he didn't let us be born into this world perfect you're right but the point is that we have to understand that we cannot contaminate our souls our souls cannot become tummy and therefore what rash is teaching us and therefore we have to treat treat each other with respect the same way we treat the stones of the Ki The Western World in the same way what happens when a Kash falls down on the floor you kiss it you pick it up right away you kiss it you put it on the floor what happens when you hurt somebody's feelings what are you supposed to think when you hurt somebody's feelings what can I do to fix this situation what did I just do I took aash and I threw it down to the floor worse than that rash is telling us that we have to respect a human being more than we respect the sh more than we respect the saer Torah even though human being has challenges even though human being has deficiencies shortcomings but we you know the mishna says in don't look at yourself as if you're evil even though everybody has sins don't look at yourself as if you're bad even though everybody his inequities but don't look at yourself like that what do you mean don't look at yourself look at yourself the true way no the Mish is telling you always judge yourself favorably look at yourself in a positive light why because then you'll believe in yourself you'll have more potential you'll be able to accomplish more now I want to talk a little bit about this point respecting now if you believe in God and you believe in the Torah and you believe that God is divine and he gave us a Divine Torah then you understand that inside of me there's part of God and so to inside of my friend there's part of God I have to respect my friend the same way I need to respect myself that's why by the way in our Torah you know in the Amish the Amish people they they believed that when a human being comes to hurt you you're not supposed to defend yourself you you're allowed to you're allowed to be massacred and killed when the Indians when they they came to America back then the Indians came and you know the Amish all had guns cuz they went hunting when the Indians came to attack them they put their guns away and they just waited for the Indians to come and kill them and wipe them out that means they they have no value of who they are what they are what they world they're all about the Torah says you have to protect yourself Torah says you have to understand your own worth your own value we have to understand that we are made in the image of God that's why in our Tor it says you have to love your friend like you love yourself that means if you don't have selflove you cannot love your friend you have to love love your friend like you like yourself whatever level you like yourself that's how much level you're going to be able to like your friend if you like yourself this much you're going to be able to like your friend this much you like your friend this much yourself this much you're going to be able to like your friend this much so when we have problems with relationships a lot of it stems from problems with ourselves we don't like what we see inside ourselves bless you we don't like what we see inside of ourselves Rashi is teaching us a very very important message over here Rashi is telling us that you have no choice you have to love yourself you have to respect yourself and the same way you have to respect yourself you have to respect your partner in life you have to respect your neighbor you have to respect your friend and you know what something surprisingly you have to respect your children serious a lot of times people think no children have to respect adults sort of the like not human beings until they get married you know whenever our parents always is when you get married you'll understand you'll know now you you know when when you get married when you get married finally oh when you have children when you finally have children oh when you have grandchildren you never understand until you know you like them but the reality is the Torah tells us that you have to respect every human being even a child as a matter of fact in many ways respecting a child is even greater than respecting an adult why because a child is innocent he doesn't have any real Sin he doesn't really have any inequities and any wrongs God doesn't take him and punish him for his inequities and his wrongs if anything that he gets punished is for things that he did in his previous life pre previous life as an adult not for life that he did now what he's doing as a child his mind is not strong enough his personality is not strong enough to understand what's right and what's wrong I don't know if you notice when children up to 3 years old it's very very hard for them to lie if they lie let's say they steal the cookie from the cookie jar and you say to them ruy did you steal the cookie from the cookie jar says no Mommy I didn't Ry okay Mommy I took it within two seconds she'll admit the truth why the N doesn't allow her to lie she doesn't have enough of a personality yet developed to be able to crush that voice inside of her that tells her don't lie you have to tell Mommy the truth she doesn't have that yet in the beginning she just feels like I have to do what my voice says inside of me as she gets more mature more adult more and more complicated and she sees people are not saying the truth and people are dishonest with her and you're allowed to lie then she's able to squish and Crush that voice inside of her so children in many ways are they deserve much more respect than adults in many ways but really we don't look at it like that we look at it the other way around I know one big Rabbi he said The more you respect your child the more you show him that he's important to you the more that you show him that he is like your life and everything you you'll be willing to do anything for him that is right for him not spoil him but anything that is right for him the more he's going to want to produce in life the more he's going to want to be successful in life this this the secret to the success of a child is how much you respect him and how much he feels respected you know a lot of the times we don't have patience for our children so when we ask our children to do something and they don't do it righty leave it alone in in leave it alone I I'll take care of it instead of uh instead of sitting down with the child and helping him finish and and feel that he's responsible and feel that you you expect things from him remember I told you guys last time when we were learning a little bit about raising children how building security inside the child is very important by giving him Stern and without anger telling him yes or no right because he feels his father or his mother are not pushovers and those people these characters in his life that he's looking up to them he's going to be able to to feel trust in them that they're going to be there for me when I need them because they're strong they're not wimps they're strong personalities right so I want to speak to the psychologist that I told you guys about that uh lives on my block I asked him what other advice would you give me to build strong self-esteem in in children and stuff like that first I asked him does he agree with what I just said he said he agrees with it 100% but then he said the most important thing for a child and for a spouse and for husband and wife is that the other person feels loved if he feels loved not like I did my part okay I'm a parent I I bought you Lego I bought you shoes I bought you pants I bought you this I did this I did my part no that's not what he needs to feel he needs to feel loved the same way like I told you guys when you give something to your uh wife you're supposed to give it to her with a smile or to your husband you're supposed to give it with a smile with care with feelings same thing is with a child children by the way you know what happens when a child comes to you and says Mommy Mommy and you're on the phone right you're on the phone so mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy she doesn't leave you alone until you you answer her right so what happens for 105 minutes you ignore her or him your child what do you think is happening in his mind during these 105 minutes yeah my M my mother I listen to what she's talking about she's not talking about something very important what is she talking about her friend about her shopping her her car her this or that what all these things that she's talking about is more important than I am in his subconscious it catches it catches in his mind my mother thinks that all these physical things are more important than I am so what is he growing up he's growing up with this insecurity like am I important am I somebody good in this world do I do do I bring anything into this into this world he grows up very very broken so very important to stop what you're doing and tell the child explain to him uh Shana you know I'm on the phone right now it's not so respectful to stop your mother while she's talking to somebody else if you could wait 3 minutes I will be with you in 3 minutes and really mean it and really say it and really do it 3 minutes you hang up and say my daughter's waiting for me I have to go finish the topic whatever you need to talk about you you give her the time that she needs it's the same thing with the husband and same thing with the wife if a person feels respected then naturally he wants to do something you know one time a lady um came to me says I think I told you guys this one time a lady came to me he says my husband you know he doesn't he doesn't take me out anywhere he doesn't want to spend time with me you know every time I ask him for for for some money you know it's like a whole War so I asked her lady do you do you respect your husband so she said he knows I don't respect him he knows that he's nothing in my eyes do way he is that's what she said to me straight out so I said to the lady let me ask you a question imagine your neighbor now now knocks on your door and you know that neighbor does not respect you at all you know that neighbor thinks nothing of you and she comes to you and she say Hi how are you Ruth would you like to go hang out together go out eat something what are you doing here you don't respect me you don't like me what what are you com and ask me to go out with you that's what you're going to say why would your husband take you out to eat if you don't respect them what would your husband want to spend time with you want to give you things if you don't respect him it's the same thing no well well he needs to he needs to do it why because he's married to you but but because because is you're married to him you also have responsibilities towards him it's the same thing respect creates an environment in the house naturally that I want to give you I want to take care of you that's that's power of respect every human being the most dearest thing to human being is his honor is his respect and that's why by the way when you embarrass somebody in public you could lose your share in the world to come call the Torah tells us if you embarrass somebody in public God says that's it I'm done with you you have nothing in the world to come why if I kill somebody God says you will be punished you will go to G everything will be I'll take care of you don't worry but then you're going to go to ganeden for eternity I kill somebody physically I'm going to go to ganeden eventually but I embarrass him God said that's it I'm done with you you embarrass him in public you have no sh in the world to come if you do it intentionally and you do it on a constant basis not if by accident you embarrass somebody once right talk about a guy who's constantly embarrassing people in public and he doesn't care about people's honor that type of guy God says that's it I'm done with you why I'm only hurting his feelings what's the big deal the respect of the human being to God is so important it's so dear so we have to think twice before we talk to our husband and before we talk to our wives because you're not this is not my wife this is not my husband this is not my child this is God inside of every human being part of God is in every human being we have to understand that we have to have self-respect to ourselves part of God inside of me and if there's part of God inside of me then I can respect you because there's part of God inside of you you know all the rabbis are trying to find the remedy how can we bring the BET mikdash back and everybody says well we have to have uh you know have to love each other just like we destroyed the bet mikdash because we hated each other for no reason we have to love each other for no reason right that's he says you have to love each other how do you do that how do you love each other for no reason this is the the only way this what I'm telling you guys now the only way to love him for no reason is because he is made in the image of God just like I am made in the image of God I don't need a reason to love myself I don't need a reason to appreciate myself I don't need to feel good about myself because of my accomplishments I need to feel good about myself and love myself because I am made in the image of God if I would ask you let's say you have a diamond that is worth 750 million right $750 million in one hand and you have yourself on the other hand what's more valuable how much is this seven not not much that's not that's what what's more valuable how much is this $750 a million dollar Diamond worth it in comparison to you what's the value what's the comparison how much is this worth it I would say zero zero this diamond that is worth $750 million is worth zero in comparison to you right why cuz what gives value to this diamond why is this diamond so valuable only because the human being wants it let's say human being wanted rocks all human beings when you see C men cinder block on the street that's what you would collect that's all you want and you give your wife a nice cinder block on her ring for her wedding anniversary imagine that's all women want that all men want how much would that cind the block be worth because that's the only thing that people want people don't want the diamonds what is this see through glass what do I need this for it's the human being is what gives value to the diamonds if there is no human beings on planet Earth how much are these diamonds worth what is it for you can what do you use it for for nothing for what what do I need it for the whole value that this whole world has the whole value that money has is only because there's a God inside of us here giving it value what we give it is the importance it receives by a child by a wife it's not like that by a husband it's not like that you don't get the value give you you inherently valuable a diamond is worth something because I say it's worth something a human being is worth something because God made it it's inherently valuable God said this is part of me God is not worth something because we give him value God is worth something everything because God is God and inside of us there is God there's part of God God inside of us there's Divine Holiness inside of us now since this is true this gets a little bit complicated how am I supposed to love my wife or my husband it's all physical all this intimacy all this romance all this marriage stuff it's all physical most of it is is physical there's a lot of emotions but it's very physical right could a marriage survive by the way you know a big big Rabbi told one of my friends that 97% he believed 93% 97% of divorces all happened because of improper intimate relationship if the husband and wife will have proper intimate relationship proper physical relationship the right amount the right way if they would be thinking properly all the marriage problems 90 90% of the marriage problems will disappear because there's many needs that a husband have many needs that a wife has and because those needs are not fulfilled are not they're not getting what they need they become a little bit more edgy a little more unhappy a little more negative a little more unsatisfied and because of that it creates a lot of problems Small Things becomes big things by the way what's the number one reason why people get divorced number one reason in-laws people say money people say intimate life people say children business I don't know anything name everything it's all wrong it's not it's not true EXC it's not true it's all excuses the number one people reason get divorced is because they fight oh well no do Rabbi of course they fight about money about in-laws about this no no it's not true they fight because of their ego their fight because of I have to win it's not really the in-laws and it's not really the money and it's not really the child it's not really the education all these things are excuses that I should be the winner and I should win and the fight ends up being so big it started from a small little thing ends up being so big over what over because I have to win I can't look like the nobody what's going to happen next time she's going to take advantage he's going to take Advantage it all ends up being a the divorce is because of fighting it's not because of all the reasons and the excuses so we have to understand who are you fighting with who are you fighting with you're fighting with another human being that deserves respect because of his inate greatness he deserves respect because of his his being he is made his part of Hashem he's not he doesn't deserve respect because he's like a Diamond because you give him value because you make him feel special no he is special she is special your child is special and therefore if you had this in your mind growing up as a young child you would be a different human being I would be a different human being if every human being I would walk in the street and I would see him wow and I think I told you guys a story one time a rabbi was walking in uh in uh Spain one of those Spanish countries Mexico one of those Mexican countries and the little Mexican guy sees this Rabbi and it tells him Rabbi you Jewish he says yes goes wow I never saw the Son of God walking in the street he said to him what does the Son of God think about when he walks in the street the rabbi is like oh came I know he was like all embarrassed he doesn't think about anything important but the rabbi understood the message of God sent him this was waiting for the day that one day he could see a Jew because he understood a lot of the Christians understand that the Jewish people are the chosen people a lot of them understand they're the chosen people by God they're the closest people to God I remember once I walked into some medical office and some um African-American lady walked over to me and she said uh uh you know we we believe in your religion I said really what what do you mean she goes she started telling me about puim about kanaka it start telling me dates I was shocked I said to myself Jewish people don't know all this stuff I said to myself but but she says you know when Messiah is going to come the Jewish people are going to be in the temple serving God and we are going to be outside of the temple serving the Jewish people who are serving God the point is that even go understand that Jewish people have special special Holiness even go understand that if we would grow up like that if we would treat our children like that if we would treat our husbands and our wives like that that you are special because you made an image of God we would solve the problems of the Jewish people I believe now that's what I wanted to focus a little bit about is this concept of respecting each other now how do we Sorry before you move on I have a question yeah for example you said when you're on the phone and a child comes to you our second one is almost three so he doesn't understand the concept of waiting yet he'll continue asking the same thing over and over and over even if you give him the attention and explain to him give me two minutes wait give me two minutes he doesn't he'll just keep nagging okay so if a child doesn't understand if a child doesn't understand it's a good question if a child doesn't understand because 3 years old happens to be I think at 3 years old even at 2 years old if you stop for a second with the phone you turn to him you bend down to him face to face eye to eye and you talk to him like he's important and you tell him you're very important to me I'm just want to finish with this phone call I'll be right with you and uh even if you you can maybe just you know make him feel like you know I really love you just hold on a second just make him feel special He he'll wait he'll be patient I noticed my kids barem my wife does this all the time I notice my kids they just come next to me and they just stand next to me they don't bother me they just stand next to me and like I have to ask them yes what do you want stop staring at me you know they don't bother me because they know they're trained that when mommy's when Mommy's doing something when father's doing something you know you wait for him to be done so even my uh my 18 years old my 19-year-old boy you know his 19 he's already a man you know when he comes when when I'm doing something he comes and he waits until I'm done whatever it is I'm doing when I'm done he calls he says ABA you know can you talk for a second but because you know it's very very important to when when when your child sees you standing up up for your father when your father walks into the room when your child sees you standing up for your mother when your mother walks into the room you know if you do that enough in the house then they learn this you have to respect your father you know in the in the Jewish custom Friday night when the father comes and he does K the kids are supposed to come to him one by one kiss his hands not like like the olden Styles you know like they they look at us like a primitive old what's his name it's not it's it's an understanding that my father is compared to a King in the house and my and my mother is compared to a queen in the house they're very holy very special people obviously you have to act special but they're supposed to come kiss your hands and the wait to they turn to get a blessing from their father they get a blessing and I know my kids they're all like I want to get the blessing first I want to get the blessing first for them it's a very special thing to get a blessing from their father some of the kids you know they take I usually put my one hand hand on them they take my hand they put the other hand now I want to get like the full blessing as if that does that that does anything whatever it is but to them that's a special thing it's a special moment by the way if you do that it's a very very important time a very very important moment for you to connect your children when you give them a blessing you could whisper something in their ear you know I I think about you all the time Oh you mean so much to me I love you you give them a kiss after you give him the blessing you make them feel like a million dollars just by giving them a certain sentence a certain line and you know there's also a way to connect with them through something special like one of my daughters I end a blessing a certain way with a certain word that I know that she likes very very much so I connect her through that word and she feels my my father is thinking about things that I like you know one of my daughters I made I made a a special line for her that she should have the Merit to sanctify God's name in public so in Hebrew is so when I say means in public I say I say double to her especially to her so she feels my father says something special for me he says you know I try to connect to them through the blessings but the point is to make them feel special to make them feel respected if human being feels respected he wants to produce he wants to do more he wants to do things for you your wife will want to do things for you if she feels that you respect her and the husband wants to come home with parasa and be happy and do things if he feels that she respect him but this respect does not come from oh I have to respect you because you're my husband it comes I have to respect you because I respect myself and inside of me there's part of God and since inside of me there's part of God inside of you is also part of God very very important so when the fill and full down on the floor in the Sho and you pick up the Fillin don't think to yourself I did it just for the Fillin I did it just for God he is part of God you're doing it for him when the saer Torah comes out from the closet everybody wants to kiss the safer Torah they step on their friends toes in the meantime they push people around to get to the safer Torah Rashi is telling us very important message that your friend is more holy than the saer Torah and therefore the physical love that there is between a husband and wife you have to understand it's a very very holy thing the rambam says the reason why God made the human being a man and a woman the way he made them is that they should become one and when they get to learn how to love each other as one from that they will learn how to love God they will learn how to love Hashem from a relationship between men and woman you learn how to love God I thought this is very physical you know Hollywood makes it look all you know all all physical and and tummy and and and dirty but the Torah is telling us this is the holiest moment in the human being's life when he becomes one with his wife when he connects his wife intimately from that he learns to take it to the next step and connect with his creator to connect with Hashem and that only comes about because it's part of God inside of you and there's part of God inside of you and the two parts of God are connecting to become one to connect to their father in Heaven a very very important message now how do we build this now we want to build this inside ourselves okay we heard it Rabbi it's very nice idea it came into into our heads we're going to go to work tomorrow we're going to become the Regular Joe you know the regular average guy how do we make this happen how do we build our self-respect how do we build our self-image so which children is much easier much much easier it's hard in a way but it's much easier because they're they're growing you have an opportunity to plant the right seeds as they're growing you know make them feel very special with adults it's a little bit harder because they're already ingrained in their ways of life and the way they they living but one of the ways is is the way you dress the kohen had eight different outfits the priest the high priest I would have thought God this man is the holiest man on planet Earth serving God in the holiest place in planet Earth The KES kashim the holy of holies why does he need to have eight outfits what is the Georg Armani now what does he need to have eight outfits for what's going on with this guy thisor God is telling us the clothes that the human being wears makes a massive impression on how he feels about himself very simple example what happens when you put on working working out clothes exercise clothes how do you feel you feel like going to a very high class business uh what's the name deal or like a special dinner with somebody high class how do you feel or you feel like you know I need to get down and dirty I need to exercise now to sweat how do you feel when you put on a nice suit nice shoes you feel good about yourself you walk like a king right away instantly it affects you if you get used to getting dressed with high class understanding I am in the image of God I have to respect myself I am made in the image of God I have to have self resect I'm not talking about wearing fancy clothes I'm talking about nice neat put together a respectable manner when somebody sees you say wow this is this is Royal this royalty the Son of God then it could you're right it could you it could make you into a showoff you know it could you know my Rabbi used to tell us the rabbi of tell us you have to wear ties he never told us you have to he always used to hint and suggest he never forced us to do anything everything was like he give you a hint and you have to pick it up on your own if you get it you get it if you don't get it you stay where you are that's the way it is so I I asked them but if I Wear Ties I'm going to start getting into Styles and brand names and showing off and competition with my friends is it worth it he says yes it's worth it because if you feel good about yourself then you'll be able to accomplish great things in serving God if you don't feel good about yourself then almost anything that you do will not be worth much but you have to fight the Gava it doesn't mean you have to start being a show off you have to fight it and understand you know my clothes is only external it's not uh something that makes me feel better than you are what makes me good about feel good about myself is the fact that I'm made in the image of God and because I'm made in the image of God I'm wearing fancy clothes because I made an image of God so that's not going to bring you to G because I made what you have G that you made in image of God you know that's not that's you you you made an image of God that doesn't make you holy makes you feel humble right so if you're doing the right things the Right Moves for the right reasons it's not going to push you to the wrong side to do to have Gava and stuff like that but it's very very important now it says in the gamar the Mish the gar says why did God create the world world with one human being starting the world why didn't God create the world with the Jewish Nation at Hari the Torah given to us in a moment with millions of people in one shot god it's not hard for God to create millions of people like this boom why did God make it that the most important moment of History comes 2,000 years after creation why didn't God create the world with the most important moment of history that all Humanity not Jews all Humanity will be by the mountain of and they will receive the Torah so the G says you know why the God God wanted to create the world with one human being so this one human being should be created at the age of 20 perfectly you will understand the essence of the whole entire planet Earth and all the galaxies and all the universe and everything within it and he should be able to see the whole entire world and say wow God created all this just for me he will get to understand his own value if human being does not understand his whole value if God would have created all the people and put them in our SII they would not have understood their own greatness the way they should have this world would have been worthless the world only has importance and value if you understand your greatness because the greatness that you attribute to yourself is what this world is worth if all this world to you is diamonds this world this ends up being finite has certain amount certain measurement if this world for you is eternity you can get the world to come you can connect to God this world has no value it has no end it's Infinity this physical world so God created one human being by himself with everything the whole Animal Kingdom all the fish in the ocean all the birds all the trees the whole world and he looks at this whole overwhelming world and he says wow all this wisdom was created for me by the way when God created the first man he created him perfectly with his wisdom perfectly so perfect so great that the Angels could not understand his greatness they thought that he was God himself when they saw the first human being they couldn't see to the end of his spiritual capabilities they said it can't be a human being this has to be a God so they started saying the kadosh kados song that they sing that we sing to God they started saying it to him so when they asked asked the Angels asked God what's the value of this human being God said he's much greater than you guys he can understand the whole entire world they said what do you mean so God asked the Angels name start naming the animal start naming the moon the sun what's what's the names of these objects and they couldn't figure it out because they couldn't figure out the essence of the whole being of what it's all about they didn't understand what the son's purpose was completely to whatever extent they were able to understand they were able but not complete Adam marish the first man when he saw the sun he saw the moon he saw the water he saw the animals based on its nature and its purpose and its being and its in existence he was able to give it the perfect name and God said he understood the whole entire essence of the creation and then God asked him and what's your name and he said my name is Adam because I came from the ground mean Adama I came from the ground Adam also means one and then dumb blood I'm I'm I'm unique I'm one and I'm made of blood flesh and blood what adish was saying to him my whole greatness is that I understand that I'm nothing what Adam marish was saying there my whole greatness is that I understand that I am from the ground and all my greatness comes from you that's how you take care of GAA you understand you're nothing without Hashem you're only great because there's God inside of you so when adish was created God gave him the feeling that you are so important that all this was created for you and the gamar says every human being must say must doesn't say should could better he must say the whole world was created for me because if you were here alone then this whole entire world would have been worth it to be created just for you and that's why God created the first human being alone by himself now when you come into your house after a long day of work you have to understand inside of the house is another human being that human being all planet Earth was created just for him how do you treat a human being like that how do you talk to a human being like that it sounds a little bit la la no it sounds a little bit crazy Raab where where what planet are you from you know the way my husband talks to me the way I talk to him I I I curse he curses things are flying in the air in the house what are you talking about Rabbi no that's because we don't understand our own greatness we don't understand our own value that's why God created the world with one human being it's pretty intense so one of the ways to work on it is to treat your body with respect have self-respect for your body now this is very important this is I know it sounds like a Torah class more than a Shalom b class but really the answer for a good marriage for raising children with success is to have self-respect and if you have self respect you can respect the other in your life it's very important to make a child or a husband or a wife feel respected for two reasons first of all because you have to respect yourself and second of all because you want to have a happy marriage and healthy children when a spouse gets mad whether it's the wife or the husband we don't think rationally when we're mad so things just start coming out of our mouth how do we guard that how okay that's a good question I think whenever people get into a fight and an argument emotionally as I said before why do people get divorced it's not because of the fight it's not because because of the thing that they're fighting about it's because of the argument because of the fighting because I have to win you have to win my ego your ego you know so a person has to you have to use your SE your brains and walk away and say you know a lot of the times women I noticed from my past experience of working with women don't like it when the husband walks away from a fight because the husband knows he can get physical and he doesn't want to get physical he wants to control himself he's afraid if he gets too angry he might get physical so he wants to walk away one woman one husband told me that she she goes to the door and she blocks the door she doesn't let him get out she holds he says to her honey I'm going to come back I'm not going anywhere I'm coming back I just need to relax I need to take some fresh air she doesn't let him go out of the house some some women have that problem it's very important not to argue about something when you're upset because when you're upset you're going to say things that you don't really mean you're going to hurt say hurtful hurtful things that you know you can't take back it's going to be very difficult so when there's an argument when there's a fight you guys have to make between yourself guys that we can't talk about this now let's revisit this issue in 2 hours 3 hours tomorrow depends on the situation you suggest people sa on it for sure 100% that's the best you need to vent it out you need to vent it out so you have to tell her that I'm venting now okay tell her I need to vent out now get I know I'm telling you so tell her I need to relax a little bit and I need to vent once you said that already you're going to kill most of the anger once he said that you already going to kill most of the anger by the way the Torah tells us whenever a person's angry and he breaks something out of anger he considered to be as if he just did idol worship people say no what do you mean he gets his anger out by breaking things no he just threw more wood into the fire when you get when you do something based on your anger you throwing wood into the fire and you're making the anger burn even more inside of you you don't get the anger out by yelling it doesn't get it out it makes you more upset cuz especially the other person is going to answer back or it's going to do something or make a face at you or look at you like what plan did you come from it's going to make you even more upset right so the way to get anger to to shut down anger is to shut your mouth yeah but some people get mad that you don't talk about for sure you shouldn't talk about when you're angry you tell them I'm upset right now and if I talk about it it's going to make us say things that we know we're not going to be happy about I don't want to talk about when I'm angry between h about later I understand talk about it later sometimes my husband doesn't want to talk about it at all most his problems he just wants to just forget about it the next day and talk to me about something else okay so let me ask you a question you have two options yeah yeah most men are like that most men most men don't like to face you know just ignore it it's going to go away that's what they think H right you need to talk it out right so you need to talk it out but let me ask you a question let me ask you a question obviously if a a person has a problem talking about it right by forcing him to talk about it is's going to resent it right so we have to find a wise way to show him how somehow that this is very important for you and that shouldn't happen in the future more than you worried about the past because you're going to say I'm sorry okay I'm sorry now what it's going to happen again more than you worried about the past you should be smart and worried about the future how can we prevent this from happening in the future if you spoke about it you promised each other you're going to talk it out and again the same thing happen it's not going to happen like this you know it's going to take over and over and over and over and over that's the way it is people just don't press buttons and change you can't just change right think about it by the way whatever it is that's bothering your husband about you right how easy is it for you to change let's say your husband let's I'm not saying this situation but let's say you the type of lady that uh you know is doesn't like to clean the kitchen after the meal you leave the dishes around things are dirty flies are coming in and you and you and you need to rest after you cook and you take care of the kids this that let's see that type of Lady and your husband asks you to to not do that how difficult is it to listen to your husband even though if you wouldn't ask you would be much easier but just because he asks you because he wants you it becomes very difficult that's the nature of the human being also depends how they ask also it depends how they ask you know 100% it depends on many things but imagine how difficult it is for you to change something let's say you're the type of person who gets angry very fast you start yelling right away and your husband says stop yelling you're scaring me he scaring the kids stop yelling how easy is it for you to control that anger it's impossible it's not easy not not easy so the same way you have to see yourself the same way it's not easy for yourself to change it's not easy for him to to change one of the one of the most uh the best advice that I heard from a great psychologist is you have to make room in your mind for the deficiencies of your husband you have to make room in your mind in other words I think I told you guys this before and there's this video going around also this lady that was she speaking about every time she used to go speak in the world her husband used to come pick her up from the airport she used to be a lecturer all over the world and every time they came to pick her up on the airport when they came out of the airport he couldn't remember where he parked the car you remember that you could not remember where he parked the car every single time she's dead tired from a long trip she wants to just get into the car and go home now they're walking for 25 minutes looking for the car so she's very smart what she do in the plane when she was on the plane she said I have to be prepared for a date with my husband after I L down we have a 25-minute walk date we walking to go look for the car that's our date and we're going to talk about our children talk about our business talk about this talk about that that's our date now she doesn't get angry she prepared her mentally prepared herself mentally that this is how I have to deal with my husband's problem problem he's a great guy he's a genius he's deep thinker he's a great father great this many positive in this area he has a deficiency he can he cannot change that so you have to accept the person as he is in many ways you know uh a lot of the times a person says to his wife or a wife says to her husband I'm not changing you accept me the way I am he has to accept me the way I am that's the way I am accept me what is this accept me the way I am a person has to understand you're right accept me the way I am but you also have to accept him the way he is if you willing to live with him the way he is he'll be willing to live with you the way you are nobody's willing to live with his partner the way he is everybody wants him to change so it has to be a right balance of and know by the way where does it come from except me from the way I am it comes from the god inside of you if there's a God inside of you he doesn't want to feel that he has shortcomings he doesn't want to feel that he has problems the way I am is perfect God made me perfect the way I am it's very hard for a person to admit his faults and even if he admits his faults he says yeah it's my fault but it's because my my husband is like this and if I was more relaxed I wouldn't have done this and if I didn't have my children I wouldn't have done this and it's because of that there's always excuses for why you do what you do you don't say 100% yes this is my fault comes from a good place because inside of you there's a God and God says I am perfect and when you say I am perfect it's very hard for you to accept deficiencies faults mistakes I'm not accepting anything wrong it comes from the soul but we have to understand that this Soul was given with some what we call cipot shells these shells on top that we have to take off these shells that are separating between us and Hashem the the separation between us and God is our bad character istics I always say to my students in the Yesa there is no such a thing as a good person or a bad person what do I mean by that every human being has all the good inside of him and every human being has all the bad inside of him anger you get angry jealous you get jealous I know desire you have desires lie you lie everything bad you have inside of you it's only a question of how how much you exercise the good and how much you exercise the bad so don't think of yourself I'm better than you you're better than me I'm like this you like that we're all good and we're all bad we all have everything we all have 50% of the good and we all have 50% of the bad what do you exercise do you exercise 50 lb or do you you exercise 1,000 lb based on what you exercise that's what you are that's why it's called Mida in Hebrew Mida means Mida means character istics characteristics means measurement you measure who you are based on how you exercise your characteristics if you act nicely then your measurement is bigger if you act very bad then your measurement is very small I'll finish with a story there was a rabbi that lived in Turkey about 200 years ago I told you guys the story in the past I'm not going to repeat the whole story but basically he met a woman that a soul came into her body and he was able to talk to the soul and he asked her what did you see up there when you died the soul when was a child from a previous lifetime he committed suicide he came to this woman's body so he asked the soul what did you see and he told him I saw Souls that were giants and I saw Souls that are small like ants because based on what you accomplish in this world based on what you exercise in this world that's the size that you're giving yourself that's the greatness that you're giving yourself you know so a guy could be 6ot tall you know like this in comparison to an angel like this comparison to the great beings it says that one Angel the size of one Angel it's not for us to be able to imagine 60,000 kilm the size of one angel of God 60,000 kilm is one angel that that stands in front of God to serve God and there's different levels Angels different size angels we can't even begin to imagine the end and the capacity of what the creations of God are we we're standing in front of God like like a little dust ball and feel like I run the world I control the world you know it's my world the highway you're you're a little dust ball I remember one time when I was ding I was looking down when I was dingra and I saw a little piece of paper on the floor I remember this many years ago and I was doming to Hashem with a lot of intensity and I said wow you see that little paper on the floor couple of feet down imagine how God looks at me from all those millions of miles up there imagine how God looks at me I'm looking at this piece of paper now and I'm ding to God imagine what am I standing in front of God I'm nothing not even a small little Dust Bowl but it same time when you feel that you're nothing you understand that your greatness comes from God you yourself is nothing the greatness comes because God is within you and therefore there won't be G and there will be self resect and there will be Shalom bite and may Hashem give us strength to be able to build a true home with with with respect and and dignity and honor to each other by the way this this is pretty much the successful marriage just you have to respect each other