Raising Children: Equal Love for All - Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein

[Music] according to the in God's world your child is only your child if you show them love but if you favor one child over another child and you don't show that child love as far as is concerned says and it does not say that's how the Torah looks at a relationship between a parent and a child AB ainu had a child named isma isma AB ainu loved very very much was his first child he loved yal very much sahu did not love yal at all and is was ruining so s told abrah to throw him out AB went to hasem he said I don't want to throw him out I will be M of him but my wife wants me to throw him out so he went to the best Shalom bias coach in the world he went to God and he said what should I do and God said listen to your wife and throw him out but that did not make AB love any less so listen to this which is an unbelievable when God came to AB to take his child to bring him on the AA he didn't tell him which child okay he said the following please take your son said to God a I have two sons which son God said to you're only one this one is the only one to his mother and the only one to his mother I still don't know which son you want me to give to bring to the AA so said okay okay okay no games I'm going to tell you which one the one that you love now was bad to the bone a bad guy stole robbed raped did every bad thing you can imagine right soem said okay okay sure I have the one that you love said to God I still don't know who you want me to send I love them both said to the one that you love more your favorite said to God do you have to have a favorite is there not enough love in a person's heart to give all his kids equal love soem was forced said to him okay I'll name him now the rabbis asked what's this game over here wouldn't name him right away what's this whole game tell him right away tell him you have to wait all the way to go all the way through because Hashem wanted us to learn from this that you can have the worst kid in the world but you can love him as much as the other one want us to hear what said my son I got two my only one each one is an only one the one I love I still don't know who you're talking about which means to all the parents in this room and I talk a lot to parents but if God came to you and said I want you to give me the the one that you love I think everyone in this room would have one kid that they love more than the rest we just for some reason have favorites and one of the reasons is that we have favorites is that the kid that's the most like us is the one that makes us the most nervous you see that from from y loved asov not jakov because y was a very quiet person who learned all day and ASA was the exact opposite of him ASA went to the field he went hunting he went to sports he came home to his father his father and this is p I'm not I'm I'm not talking to any of you you all perfect but you have friends that need to hear this so you'll repeat it to them why because we live through our children what we didn't do ourselves so I wasn't good in sports let's say and I have a boy that's great in sports he's my favorite he's exciting I'm living my life that I didn't have through him but the one that's exactly like me I already live that life he's not interesting he's me oh he makes me nervous oh he makes me nervous that's the same thing with a mother and a daughter if she is very much like her and remind her of herself they are going to pull each other's hair out if she's different this girl was a she wasn't good in school this lady she she whove made a lot of trouble and all a sudden she has a girl who's valid Victorious she's walking around telling everyone you know how smart my daughter is because she wasn't smart so she's living her life through her daughter but the girl right who her daughter who's a troublemaker which was she was that's me get yourself straight now why aren't you like your sister why aren't you smart why aren't you learning that's the one that makes you nuts so the Torah is telling us that if God came to you and said I want the one that you love the most your answer should be like Abu what are you talking about I love them all equally so it's the reason it didn't say right away because Hashem wanted to talk to us now it's very very important because this is really a speech about bringing up children but this is very very important for some reason in Judaism we think that the man should bring up our should bring up the boys and the women should bring up the girls now many times I deal with kids from religious Families my I do the hardest I do what's called kir of coven I deal with children from religious families who went off so when you do and you have people who don't know anything about Shabbat don't anything about kosher and they come for Shabbat to a shabbaton they're like wow this is amazing right the people were born religious they're like it's chabas you know wow I sh your table me WR you know we we were born that way me let's get out of here I want to go upstairs and read like come on finish up y'all not new right so we very much we're very much like that so I deal with kids girls 14 15 girl year old girls from very religious families their parents bring up to me and they're like they're Bako girls you're not allow to talk to a boy or anything like that and they come the parents come to me and they're like wson you have to help us we just found on my daughter's phone that she's talking to a boy and I think she might have even met him so Bak that's it's tragic it's catastrophe it's the end of the world okay I speak to these girls every day so this little 14-year-old little girl comes into my office and she sits down she's a little nervous and I'm like relax so um I hear that you're talking to a boy I don't know who he is we don't know who he is I said but I can tell you how old he is she goes how do you know how old he is I'm like just tell me if I'm right he's about 16 and a half she's 14 what you know who it is my friend told you I'm like nope I said I'm going to tell you something else you don't really get along with your dad you don't have a real good relationship with your father how do you know that I'm like I'm going to tell you something else he doesn't really get along with his mother she bothers him all the time she says you you know I'm like no it's very simple the way God created us so I I'm assistant principal I was assistant principal for 30 years in a co-ed school boys and girls so I used to train teachers and Coach them specifically for PTA PTA is when the parents come to talk to the teachers about their kids I was as a kid was the worst day of my life I knew that the night that I went to sleep very early that night when they came home I was sleeping but it was never good never good so a mother has unconditional the relationship of a mother and a son she gives him unconditional love the relationship of a mother and a daughter gives her conditional love the relationship of a father and a son is conditional love the relationship of a father and a daughter is unconditional love why Hashem do that why he create us that way because first of all the father he can't judge his daughter he was never a girl so if she's misbehaving he doesn't understand it he doesn't understand girl hormones he doesn't stand anything so he's like I can't criticize her cuz I'm not a girl I was never a girl but my boy he better get up for I used to get up for he better have I had so when you bring up your son the man brings up the son he's Contin continuously telling him why can't you learn I used to learn why can't you be like me why can't you get up in the morning when I was a child I was up at 6 o'cl you get up at 9:00 you kill him kill your daughter so flow stay away everything is good she never do anything wrong I'll tell you a very cute story about my first son-in-law she you know you'll kill the guy who marries her right it's my girl right and a mother she kills her daughter you have no you don't clean up your room you're fresh I was never like this ask my mother how I treat but her son do anything he wants and many times it affects sh bias because the mother will be yelling at her daughter and the father will defend his daughter and he'll say take it easy she's not so bad and the mother gets insulted wait you married her you married me who' you marry you want to marry her I'll leave let her cook let her clean let her do your laundry right and the other way around the mother is being nice to the son you got up late come on don't be so angry right he's like what what are you getting involved for SCH is my business what are you getting involved for what you're married to him okay I'll leave let him pay the bills and they start fighting and then sometimes it gets really really bad sometimes it really gets bad and the children know how to manipulate to get between the two parents because if they can break them both down then they're so busy fighting they forget about what they wanted to do to him so kids are very very smart so in PTA when parents come to school never tell a father something bad about his daughter and never tell a mother something bad about her son I can tell you from my experience parents they have two kids in the school one's a boy one's a girl they're sitting in front of me and they're asking me how is my son doing and I'm like your son is the biggest Troublemaker in my class he doesn't learn he doesn't do his homework right and the father's like Rabbi Wallin give me two weeks you will see no Sports no friends no food no water no sleep you give me two weeks you will see my son and the mother's sitting there she goes mayor just keep can you hold on for a second W did you know why my son misbehaves no cuz you don't know how to teach and you want know the truth I don't I don't like this whole school I don't think you're a good school at all and it was up to me he wouldn't even be in your class two parents about the same child totally different now let's go to the daughter by the way how's our daughter in sixth grade doing oh wow she is impossible you know she put a she put a nail on the teacher's chair she she she we C her cheating she's she's a terrible student mother's like I knew it Rabbi don't worry she will never ever be on the phone I'm taking the phone I'm pulling the phone out of the wall she will not and you know what she had the BM this week she's not going she's not going and we have a family trip she's not going to Florida and this Mother's ranting and raving right and when she finished the father's like you have my daughter in your school you people have no idea how to teach you should not have girls in School Rabbi you know nothing about the he ranking me out the same man that the father right that his son he's going to kill him because that's how we are now why Hashem do that the answer is that God knows that when we get to a certain age right we're going to have a a girl a wife who were supposed to give unconditional love to so it's in our Bria in our genes to to give and to get from a woman which is our mother at that when we were born unconditional love and the wife who's going to give unconditional love to her husband she got that from her father so we're just changing who the male is until I was 18 the male in my life was my father and he gave me unconditional love and now I'm getting married because I want to get the same thing from someone who is my age it's called in Psychology it's called the plus syndrome plus syndrome a plus so you have a vertical line so when you're young your parents are on top your teachers God and your line you're on the bottom that's the relationship as you get older you start moving up you go to a horizontal line where you have you're on one side and the ones that you love are on the other side your peers a husband and a wife okay and then you go to at the top of the plus you have children it's amazing that's how it's supposed to work so if you have a good relationship with your father a girl that has a good relationship with his her father she naturally when she's 18 she says you know it's time I got to move on she has a good relationship with her husband and a boy who has a good relationship with his mother is now looking for a female unconditional love relationship but the father who does not give his daughter unconditional love he's busy working and playing ball with his boys and taking them to a baseball game and learning the with them but he doesn't even talk to his da he has nothing to do with her because she's a girl so she does not get the unconditional love that naturally she's wants and she supposed to get from her father so she looks for it in the wrong places but she will never look for it in a boy her age because she's looking for a father so if she's 14 I know the boy she's going out with is not 14 that happens at the top when she's 18 now she's looking for a daddy she's looking for a boy the problem is that boys 16y old boys don't give unconditional love there are many conditions that really will hurt that poor child on the other hand what's the deal with this guy he's 16 and a half why is he going out with a 14-year-old girl why doesn't he go out with a more mature physically and emotionally 16 and a half year old girl or why does why is he going out with a little girl and the answer is that if he's 16 and he's going out with a 16y old girl she's going to make him crazy why were you late why didn't you call me he's not going to get unconditional love but if he goes that with a 14-year-old the girl's going to be like oh my gosh he shaves he's older than me wow so she gives the 16 and a half year old boy her unconditional love and he is doesn't have that from his mother so he's looking for that so he's taking it from a 16 a 14-year-old girl so we're messing our kids up if we don't give our daughters guys if we don't give our daughters unconditional love they will find it in the very wrong place and mothers if you don't give your boys that love they will find a girl but it's not going to be healthy so very important I have spoken even in schools that a father takes his daughter out alone him and her for dinner or to even to a ball game and he talks to her so that when a boy texts her she going to go Dad look at this this guy just texted me isn't that cute if I was like cute I'm going to break his head I'm going to send my Israeli friends and we'll break his legs but she talks to him and it's very important mommies you have that relationship with your sons because boys are very scared to tell their fathers a lot of stuff their comfort who they want to whisper in their ear is their mother and sometimes it's a very big question I have a Shabbat home and during our shabbaton we have questions from 11:00 at night till shakar till 8:00 in the morning hundreds of women firing at at six rabbis a whole night one of the biggest arguments and I'm not going to even answer it you'll have have to answer it in your own head one of the biggest questions that we had that lasted for hours and most of the rabbis did not agree on the answer was what happens a father has a daughter and she comes to her father and she says Dad ABA I want to tell you something very important but I can only tell you on one condition you don't tell Mommy what is he supposed to do so half the rabbis felt that if you teach your daughter that she can get you to keep a secret from her mother from your wife you are teaching her that you agree that a husband should have secrets from his wife it is very bad and this girl is going to walk around sort of with a back that I beat my mother you see I tell my father something and my mother will never know so it's like me and my father gets my mother very bad on the other hand if it's really something important and you don't let her tell you she's going to tell it ask it to someone else and that person might give them a really wrong answer so what of the therapist that was at the shatone said Rabbi Wallin if the the kid is willing to talk to her father that's already good most kids are not willing to talk to their father he has to keep the secrets I come from a school and my parents brought me up that a father and a mother of one and that if my daughter came to me and said you can't tell this to Mommy I want to tell you something but you can't tell to Mommy that means that there's a problem between my daughter and Mommy and I need to work on that because if my wife found out that my 16-year-old daughter came to me and told me that she's talking to a boy and I didn't tell her and then she found out later she would feel that I sort of cheated her behind her back she would feel that me and my daughter have a relationship that has left her out and it will definitely affect my marriage so I can't give you the definite answer because it was a huge argument the place the girls were screaming and yelling it was crazy it was crazy I don't know the answer to this question I'm just telling you that in my opinion you can't you can't one parent can't keep a secret from another parent there's probably people in here that don't agree with me I can't tell you that you're wrong or you're right but we create that so so fathers have to give their daughters attention and I don't mean taking out the whole family it's another mistake that a lot of people make they they what do you mean I took my all my kids out why why am I not a good father and the answer is because when you take all your kids out your kids look at it as a family trip you didn't take me out you didn't take me out you took everyone out very important private focused time no phone when you take your kid out but it's very important that a father takes out a daughter and it's also very important that a that a mother takes out a son or else your kidss are going to look for that unconditional love in very bad places and they're going to be fooled because they're so hungry for it they're so hungry for that unconditional love that they will give up a lot of things that they should not be giving up and I'm talking to you from a lot of experience so the torah's picture here seems to be that number one you must give a lot of love we see from and number two you must give equal love I one read you and then I'll tell you a story I want to read you a um it's from a very holy safer about when y was thrown out abam wanted to visit him he loved him he was his son was his son he loved him so there's an unbelievable piar and the P says the following he said that isal was 27 years old when he left AB and is left and he married a woman from Moab and her name was is and after three years he missed him so it was is's 30th birthday said I got to go see my kid just because I threw him out doesn't mean I shouldn't see him I love him so butu said I'll let you go she was alive I'll let you go visit him but you can't get off the cam you talk to him you cannot go into his into was bad I don't want you you're too holy of don't get off the camel you want to talk to him you want to hug him but don't get off the camel and he understood this he swore okay he went it took him a half a day to get there and this woman Isa was standing outside the tent he said to her where's my son him and his mother went to the desert to gather dates okay so said to this wife can you give me a little bread and some water I'm tired I'm hungry now you knew AB stood for so he asked her for some bread she said to sorry I have no bread or water for you this is who you married where would she come from Moab what's Moab mid when the Jews went by we asked for food they they didn't give us this is who this is who Moab was okay so she hases know who she never saw him so she doesn't know who he is he doesn't introduce himself she says to her do me a favor when your husband comes back give him a message that there was Z an old man who came from Canan to see him right and tell him that I said that in the end his house will collapse that was the message okay SCH comes back his wife says there was an old man he came here he said I should tell you that in the end your house is going to collapse he understood who the old man from Canan was of and he understood that what's a person's house his wife that he understood that this wife is no good for him she didn't do he came from a house of so immediately he said he threw her out his father said no good he threw her out and he remarried someone called Puma okay what does Isa mean in English D before you bake it before it becomes something R her name was Issa she didn't give any food it was raw married a woman called puma and actually in Arabic it's Fatima okay that was her name which come through Puma to stuff okay so he married this woman fatuma a waited three more years he comes again to visit he comes there and the wife of is standing there where's doesn't say who he is mle he went with his mother he's in the midbar de feeding the the camels he said I'm very hungry I'm very tired could you give me something to eat she said sure she she brought him food and water and everything that you could imagin got up for his child and that Year's house was unbelievable the woman said this man came he gave a big blessing to the house he understood that his father was always thinking of him that his father had pity on him why he didn't forget and after he sent him he went to visit him and he gave him a criticism and he told him get rid of your wife and when saw this that his father did not forget about him he totally did chuva and we know that died at what caused him to do chuva because he realized but even though his father had to throw him out of the house in the end his father never forgot him so even the child that causes all these problems show that he never lost his love for him these are different proofs from the Torah on how we need to treat our children