Rabbi Yirmiyahu Ullman - Orchot Tzaddikim: Silence - Part 3

okay ready okay the desire shallow device the lawyer's Tire with valve a person should be very careful that he doesn't embarrass another nor cause pain anguish to another image if a person's sitting with somebody who's got some blemish thanks for Translating that word yesterday now it's at the tip of my tongue he's got some blemish in his body and he's embarrassed by this mole on the tip of his nose or there's some blemish in his children or his wife that he is embarrassed of are there some blemish in his family you don't think it means the physical vanish thing means maybe you know something having to do with uh emotional spiritual yeah um of course be very careful sensitive not to speak about this type of blemish or this type of shortcoming ever alive even if he's not speaking about him speaking about somebody else who also has this blemish this shortcoming because you'll always think he's speaking about him even if even if it's I would add it would seem to me even if it's clear to him that that he's not speaking about him but he would simply feel uncomfortable about somebody speaking about another person's blemish when he himself has that blemish I'm trying to think of you know maybe an example of this but um I'm having a hard time coming up with anything other than a scenario where uh you might have let's say a convert now uh girls conversion is a wonderful thing if the person is doing it and he's a sincere Anonymous convert but some people look at it as problematic I don't know if I'd go so far as to say a blemish but uh you know it really is that way some people are proud of it some people publicize it some people feel like uh they wear it like a badge of honor and there's certainly something to be proud of right but other people maybe it has to do with personality feel like they would much rather just smoothly fit in with everybody else and not be different in any way or at least not in that way and uh they don't make a big deal about publicizing on the contrary they might keep it uh private or secret yeah now if a person starts talking about let's say gearing or something like that so that might be a problem for example if you know as a rabbi and Yeshiva sometimes people come to classes they might not even be Jewish that's another example they might not be Jewish it happens for example well the uh the mother's not Jewish and the father is and they were raised Jewish but how long have we speaking they're not Jewish and the persons that they're always in the class and as as obviously this happens often in a discussion about Jews and non-jews can arise that's a problem so if you were to know or the other students knew that there was a person who had an issue about the pedigree is not being Jewish for this reason for example and starts speaking about non-jews so that that could be upsetting to such a person right and uh a more subtle example which is what I started talking about would be one of of conversion as well somebody's talking about Garros or garium and this and that and the other and they do help they don't help they do so this that and the other they're just raising discussion on even if it's clear to the person who's a guard setting they're not talking about him but they're talking about the issue and if he's embarrassed by it uh something he doesn't publicize so that would that could be repented that I think that might be a common example of the type of thing that we're talking about a person did some unacceptable Act and then you should be careful not to speak about that act in front of that person even not in front even not in front of them I don't think you should speak about it foreign two years ago you were doing that and look at you today yeah thanks for the compliment you could compliment me with that reminding me what I heard what I was two years ago I didn't intend to disrespect you so I'm you know I apologize I just meant this you know um so how did they say the the path to hell is paved with good intentions compliment him for where he is fine but you don't have to remind him or let other people know or remind other people where he was here somebody says something to you that you already know be quiet let him finish right oh yeah I know that I know that story oh I know that hello guy he wants to tell you he wants to if he's a show-off you know and he's just trying to whatever and all that stuff so I'm we're more likely to kind of you know put the try and put the person in place by saying you know everybody knows that already but in a normal scenario normal scenario somebody comes to tell you something or somebody Torah and you already know it before so ask act as if you've never heard it before ah that's being deceitful you give the impression that you've never heard it before when you really have the answer is that's not true you have never heard it before you've never heard it from this person in the way that he would say it before so this is the first time you're hearing this you might actually be hearing the original second time around right right right right right right if it's a story it's a divartora and uh particularly if it's advaitorah you know oh I've heard that before yeah I know that but when when they play like your favorite uh Rolling Stones song in the radio these The Beatles song you shut off the radio I know that song no you relish it right yeah so I'm speaking to the camera so the have deal we hear the have deal yeah when you hear about Advantage so you've heard it before but since you relished Torah you're more than happy to hear it again just like an old song you might have a different conclusion as well so what you originally learned from this similar at the end of it he did yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he said he says it a different way he might add a separate twist to it he might add a detail he might you know say it in a way which somehow affects you in a way which is different than the way you heard it differently you might be a different person now than when you heard it then I mean there's all types of ways in which this can be a kiddish even without all of that you should still listen and not cut the person short in order not to use your words in a way which would be harmful all the more so when like I said you can find all types of Novelties in something which you might think you know already what we're gonna say yeah a few days ago you're talking about the example of the soft Pond yes I don't know I was really excited I was like yeah I don't know if I said anything or it's about to do but you realize that you're like oh you've heard this before it turned out that the one that I read actually in this book is a similar story but a little bit different how is it different um well what was the story in the book the rabbi said uh was serving time to the students and told them just like you take the soft part of the tongue and you eat it you should speak softly with your time but the story in this book was this this the servant bringing saftan and heart right and uh right there's just two different things right right right right right so similar idea right but they're actually different right huh a good example um so therefore let him speak let him finish speaking because in the end of the day maybe he will give you some new spin which you didn't know initially and he also gets the drives benefit from telling you something so why not do him the hesitate letting him feel good about telling you this thing which you might be excited about because for him it is new foreign even if you know right like I said even if there were no novelty in it still you should be quiet and let him finish and then they made up of neither of them should say you did remember you you did that to me so I did that don't really don't don't remind him and don't accuse him and don't stir up the pot even if it's not his intention to go back and argue about it so why raise it why point it out since he says this is what are you talking about you remember it was your fault um so the whole the whole final got to start all over again it happens among couples often you know they have some difference of opinion they get a little tit a little argument somehow they folded over they make up somebody apologizes or explains or whatever and often each side will kind of feel like oh well he or she accepts that you know what they did was wrong and uh hopefully they won't do it again all of a sudden they do it again and you said you were going to say that you said we're going to do that right I said I was going to do that again you're the one who do you don't remember you're the one who was wrong and you said yeah your apology no I didn't say that and then before you know it the whole thing goes spilling out of control again don't bring it up don't make an issue out of it if I feed him light and even if the fight the Flames of arguments are not kindled still yeah it's still you know going to possibly embarrass him if in fact he was the one who was wrong so there's no point in reminding people of past misdeeds and things like that well just hurt a person there are those who will sit before a wise person and be quiet and they'll receive reward for example if he's intending to listen and there are another scenario where a person would also be sitting quietly before the wise man but that would do the concert of doing an Avera transgression why because if he's thinking of what I'm going to say before him Kevin really since he doesn't know how to respond to me properly anyway connect the clue he doesn't know compared to me anything so why so what's the point of asking again you have to say this time at a specific scenario because if for example somebody's saying something and you have a question but you have every reason to believe the person can't answer you so then why ask and risk embarrassing the person that's true here he seems to be saying um the reason why I'm being quiet is it's not even worth asking him what what can he possibly answer that I don't know yeah that that that I think that's the type of scenario that he's describing memory said seven Matters by basically a log a lump a person who just doesn't have any any any any knowledge at all seven by wise men a wise person doesn't speak in front of somebody who is wiser or older than him and he doesn't cut a person off in the middle of speaking and he doesn't answer immediately why because it deliberates before giving an answer and another reason that's given why a wise person deliberates before the answering is because if he answers like right off the cuff so it might make the person feel like he's asked the stupid question so obviously shouldn't have asked but if the wise man makes a second so it gives the person feeling he's asked a good question the wise person also asks On Target and he answers according to the romance and he also answers an order he talks in order right person asks question one two three he answers one two three unless he wants to answer the other way around then he'll say I'll answer you but I'd like to answer in Reverse for a reason three two one but generally speaking address the points as they were dressed and that which he doesn't know he didn't hear he should say I don't know you can't just Mudge it make it up you're asking a very good question I can think of several possible answers but none of them seem satisfactory to me so I don't really have a satisfactory answer to your question better ask her you know someone else perhaps yeah that's five I think well she doesn't know you should say I don't know the Ms and you should agree the truth so he said he says something it's proven wrong right Atomic hawkam says you're right I was wrong I got up to six it should have been seven um and the opposite goes with the with the foolish person right that what he speaks in front of he speaks in places people who are older and wiser than him he interrupts people he answers haphazardly he asks questions which are totally irrelevant Off the Mark right he doesn't answer or address the points in order yeah and things that he doesn't know he makes it out as if he knows it yeah and even if you prove him wrong we're up to seven now he'll never admit you're right sounds like politicians yeah Omar it was said by the wise man the mission page a person who speaks with white wisdom intelligence that's like salt to food it brings out the good flavor the good time in something foreign pleasure for those who understand like a stone which is properly set you know probably set in a in a piece of jewelry you find that idea sometimes in Torah teachings like what's the significance of that a jewel that's properly set I suppose relax something as precious as gold and something as precious as a diamond and you go through all of the necessary work you need to because of the value of these things to to Fashion the metal and to burn off the draws and to to you know put it make the proper shape and to take the stone and to Hewitt and to to cut the fast and all that right the final finishing touch is to set it in its setting if it's off even just a little bit it like loses all of his value what's what's the whole point of taking those precious metals in that pressure Gem and going through all of that and then setting the stone askew it just doesn't look right so something's not right here that spins or something's out of shape so the same thing here you know if you have all the value and the beauty of Torah to kind of ugh not and set right it just loses its purpose the wisdom of a Miskin it could just mean a poor person a person who's destitute are despised and his words are not heard they're not listened to that's what it says does he have wisdom the only problem is that he's poor that's the point what does it mean I'm not sure I mean he's poor of knowledge that yeah you're saying let's say a poor person or a simple person a person who doesn't have any particular let's say um uh recognition in in the community should really avoid saying things of importance because nobody's going to listen to him he would actually it would be better if he whisper his words into the ears of the rabbi what the rabbi say like the politicians they say if the opposition whatever crisis people in power can't use it because they would be admitting but their opposition is correct right so anything that they do is actually worse for the country and then I heard that somewhere once yeah it was a similar idea because because they're just refrain from using it yeah yeah Ah that's interesting point okay you're adding a a layer to it which I didn't see initially which is and not only is there a possibility that people won't listen to him because of his station but if it came from him it must not be right and therefore and that's what people think that's not necessarily true but that's what people think so it's actually better to tell somebody else to say it so that people will because if it comes from him then they're going to think it's wrong sure and therefore it says such a person should put his words in the mouth of the wise man or of the wealthy person in order to make them hurt but he should be quiet that's interesting huh what's wrong with his uh spousing the idea no if he's not in a position that people will respect what he says so he's actually doing uh a disservice to the community by saying it let me be cool and quiet it's assuming what he's saying is very wise yeah yeah I mean you have to say that yes what he's saying is worth being said it's just right the worth of it is going to be diminished if it's said by him so that's a scenario where a person should be prepared to be quiet and let it be communicated by somebody else who's more likely to be taken seriously for example we're not used to thinking that way what kind of things are they well look it's a good idea on contrary this might be my foot in the door that's a time to demure and have somebody who's already in a position of power gain more recognition from my idea on the contrary right we would rather say no I'm going to keep this idea quiet to myself and said when it's appropriate in order to get the recognition for it and and I think from a tour perspective that would be acceptable so perhaps what he means here is when it's let's say something there's going to be something of value not necessarily for himself but for the community right for the community so out of his interest in the benefit of the community he's going to get more for the mileage of his words if it's said by somebody else but not necessarily that he would have to forego some opportunity or benefit to himself for this general rule of thumb here is the Pisco a person who makes a door for his entrance their times of course where it's appropriate to open the door at times when you should close it so he should know when to close the doorways the doors of his mouth his teeth his lips there are two doors the lips and the teeth be very careful when you open your mouth like your guard silver and gold umargolios or pearls in your room in the house inside a box yeah so just like you would protect your pearls in a box within that within a room so your Pearls of Wisdom should be stored within a box that's your closed teeth right in a room with your with your lips closed make a frame for the frame a boundary for the boundary so you should do with your mouth as well and see how the early Pious would be careful and to avoid uh unimportant speech all of their days and this is also if it's very very helpful for learning to pray Havana with intention because most of a person's difficulty in in concentrating in prayer has to do with the fact that um his mind and more importantly according to what he's saying here his mouth is all over the place during the rest of the day so in your scattered brain and you're talking about a million different things then when it comes to prayer it's known it should be no surprise that the person's mind is is very difficult for him to focus but if he is controlling himself and he avoids talking about all types of nonsensical unimportant things then when it comes to prayer time his mind is free and unoccluded from all this other stuff yeah that's true that means quiet people have more kavana one day right it depends on why the person's being why the person is quiet but yeah I guess that's true that I mean you can have a quiet person whose mind is racing among you know a mile a minute so but I guess the point is uh in general that when a person's involved in many different things and he's speaking about these types of things perhaps it's just the power of doing and speaking engraves these things within him even more so than than if he was just thinking right let's say let's say he really was thinking about these things but he wasn't actually doing them or speaking about them just thinking about them so maybe he would be less under the sway of those thoughts than somebody who's actually acting on the thoughts by saying or doing something about it but I think for the context here he's talking about if a person refrains from speaking about him these things it's the understanding is because he doesn't want to be engaged in so he won't be thinking about them either I think it's it's fair to say we're talking about the case where yes a person is quiet and doesn't talk or think about these types of things so when it comes to prayers mind is going to be much more clear on occluded and focused silence is also very good for uh attaining the the attribute of of the archimaim yes because you can't be your mime if your heart is all full of other things that's very interesting so let's say he loves God he loves the Torah he likes learning Torah as well but he also likes music and he likes literature and he likes fine whining and dining and restaurants yeah so so his uh his interest in involvement and all these other things is going to inevitably distract him from from his tour in his prayer yeah you got a call spade a spade the more interest and involvement a person has in things which are outside of the Torah so the more these this interest is going to encroach on his uh his interest his ability to be engaged in Torah too does that mean a person has to um cut himself off from all these things ideally perhaps yes if you can but most people are likely to become neurotic if they were to do that some some are able to do that and if they're able to that would perhaps be the ideal but realistically you have to maintain some type of a balance for most people you know the balance is going to be different from person to person a person might need a little bit of a break if he likes music to listen to music if he likes literature as long as it's clean literature to perhaps read a little bit of literature or if you might likes a fine restaurant so when it's his birthday like it is mine today then he might decide to God if you want to give me a cake and a present today as well I want to know I want I won't refrain from taking it yeah uh you know but the point is we want to take his wife out to a restaurant right that would be a nice thing for her birthday for their engagement or something like that yeah but to avoid uh uh you know indulging in these things and the truth is since for many people uh it's a lot easier to to let's say Enjoy find more instant gratification in these types of things if he if he dabbles in them or just a little bit and from time to time he has to be very careful that he's not slowly but surely drawn into them because they're let's say immediately more interesting or gratifying sometimes and let's say learning about your vamos you know which is one of the most difficult track dates of the talmud you know so to be careful and find the proper balance which doesn't necessarily mean 50 50 it just means finding the proper measure of each yeah foreign now it's time to introduce you to four different categories of groups of folks who do not Merit to gaze upon the divine presence hmm I think this is the paragraph that he referred to earlier where he said he will elaborate them on a at a later point letsana he says they'd tell him those are the scoffers those are the people who just uh make nonsensical right comical thing of everything God withdraws his hand from those who are scoffing and mocking and so forth and so on so you see from here right God has no nothing to do with these Pope these people in which case they'll never they'll never see God that's the first category are the second category are those who speak falsehood one who speaks lies will never be established before my eyes the third category are the no no the you know the flatterers Yes dear Steve not before him will the flatterer come so a flatter will not come before God will not be brought before God we spoke we spoke in detail about what that means regarding the flattery Cosmos operate the fourth category are those who speak Russians you are not a God who desires evil evil will not dwell with you and here the understanding is that the evil is referring to the evil tongue yes Russian horror yesterday is now we should elaborate on this because there is great benefit in elaborating on working on these things because we're all subjects to this type of a thing mocking during making fun of or of for example flattery speak English and horror right falsehood lies even if they're white lies these are all things that we kind of are presented with all the time why those are not a period what's that no I mean white white lies white white lies are are still lies are there any instances where they are appropriate there are instances where a person is allowed to lie and it might even be a Mitzvah to lie but in general um you know saying falsehood is wrong what's that yeah a person's allowed to lie you know for for certain things for example uh what's that one um um if a person you know more discusses for example uh if a person says um how many in seconds have you learned you know you know you know service well no no that's not you know again you can really have in mind that it's not a lie because because how can you really gauge what learning is have you learned all of shots not are there like three instances with others like when you go to dinner with someone's house how's the meal yes right right right another example is pizza like he says you know if you're a guest at somebody's house yeah you're not allowed to go yeah how was it it was okay yeah you shouldn't say it was bad you know yeah that's okay yeah and then everybody starts knocking on your door calling you up yes yes yeah yeah yeah yeah if it shouldn't say it was really good you have to be careful of the of the context but the point is that that you're you're allowed to um is it called dissemble to lie um if if that is going to protect the interest of the you know of the host what are the possibilities Chinese or Korean what is Friday Spicy Sweet yeah yeah very good yeah but it depends what type of like that they take advantage yeah I don't know I don't know because even if it's a good person but if you got as a result of this 100 good people coming knocking the person's doors for Hospitality problem so you know you guys are probably familiar with uh you know this type of a situation but there are other examples of it um for example um you know people collecting money yeah wait hey did you get any good donations today yeah yeah house 52. two blocks down 100 bill right so now he goes and the words out or passing lists of people who have given right that's very problematic that's this type of a thing right you're actually by spreading a list of people who are giving charity you could be causing harm to these people because they can't afford to give everybody and now many more people are going to come that they you know were expecting and they won't be able to give to everybody they have to give less or whatever so you're really not allowed to do that unless the person unless you have permission you're not allowed to do that what's that yeah yeah yeah um and you know it's a real problem if you have organizations for example that pass lists of donors one to the other what's that some people come collecting they have drugs yeah yeah so you know so you know that would be a scenario where I suppose um you know it it it it is a problem that's also a problem you know the driver you know the driver is is doing a service for the person who needs but he's getting paid for that as well so the driver is obviously interested in taking him to the most expensive addresses and he gets and he gets it so his cut is going to be larger of course um so he's going to want to know who you know who's giving out the big bucks um and um if you have more and more drivers on the scene then they're gonna be bringing more and more people around it's a problem some communities might regulate you know how many drivers you can have in the community because you know everyone hop around and start bringing people around all the neighborhood all day long day and night people have no privacy right no the depletes their resources and everything like that it's a problem right so that's uh the first one is Torah the second is Pisa and the third one is purya Korea is uh one's bed this is allowed to lie in order to conceal what's going on in his uh private life all right yeah so that um you know if somebody asks something or says something and in a way even you know which would result in his kind of revealing that he was with his wife or he will be with his wife or whatever so he's actually allowed to lie in order to you know keep that away from the other people's attention and uh those are the three uh categories that I mentioned one Gamora and another Gamora might be talk to talk about in terms of uh to be um to preserve shalom um um uh North preserves peace and one example of that would be Sheldon base for example and that's what you guys were talking about mentioning in the Parsha yeah I'm sorry yeah um so um it's what Sarah says uh I'm gonna have children and my husband's an old man and the angel says to avram um your wife is concerned you're not going to be out of children because she's because of her age right so right she said that avram is all the angel presented her words as if she was concerned about her age so you see from here um she says Adonis again and the angel said she said so um where are we holding oh we're holding by the Bell um okay all right we're gonna have to stop here um and the next time we meet Mr Shem tomorrow we'll cover these four things I see the paragraph by paragraph first is late Sonos then going right oh you know let's try and finish the chapter tomorrow by the end of the week