Q&A: Where to Spend the Passover Seder - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] the next letter comes from a parent who's struggling with his married daughter's choice of where she wants to spend her pace applications and you know today that a lot of people want to wait for Pesach it cost a lot of money but many people are also saying there's a lot of problems connected with these Passover experiences do you Rabbi shown bus I would like to ask you about a family matter my daughter belongs to a group of twenty thirty year olds that want to go out for Passover every year recently there's been a trend with these and up and coming almost completely financial successful modern from kids to go away during out the hotels resorts or friends homes instead of going to family there seems to be a need to go anywhere different other than spending quality ups of time with parents and so things even though they do not pay for their fare or have to put in work we are a regular Hamish from family that always have their children together with us first symptoms my daughter does not want to spend Pesach with us but it's quote looking for something different end quote and she explained to us we cannot seem to reason with her that this is not the masoor of Pesach but to no avail because all of her friends go to exotic places and we don't she does not seem to care about the helices seder or cost route just as long as she can tell her friends she went someplace else and so she decided to go to a young cousin in New Jersey because he invited her without considering parents or the meaning of her actions she has two young daughters ages five and three can you please discuss this to perhaps shed fine light as to how to respond dear listener you're asking a very important question and I think it's a matter that many people are dealing with today just some background history this whole phenomenon of everyone going for a way for Pesach vacations to these resorts or hotels is really a new phenomenon when I was growing up as a kid I don't remember anybody going away for Pesach Seder --zz even in my twenty twenties or thirties I don't remember people going away very few people actually went on vacations during those but over the last 10 years or so it's become a phenomenon in the Jewish community and there's several problems I'm finding with it one is simply the cost of going away if you bring a relatively small to medium-sized family I've heard people spending anywhere from ten to fifteen to twenty thousand dollars that's fine if you have a lot of money what if you don't have a lot of money there are people out there are struggling but want to do like the Joneses are doing so they go in tremendous financial debt in order to go any vacation so there's a lot of social pressure which is causing as well a lot of financial pressure the second problem I'm finding with a lot of these pay specifications is what happens to your children because you're not exactly sure who your children are playing with and there's a lot of unsupervised play taking place some kids get affective negatively some kids find out about things you don't want them to find out about so realize if you're going into certain Passover programs you're actually losing control of your children and it's something you may not want I call it an unintended consequence and there's a third problem the Pesach Seder is a very intimate experience with your family it's something that we've been doing for thousands of years together it says we got to lavenza you shall place your child upon your knee and tell them over the storing of Passover it is so important to have that special quiet time and where else can you have that other than in your own home I know it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy but if parents will work a little bit harder in building that experience in their homes for their children I think the children will remember it more deeply than just a vacation I don't want children to think of Passover is what water slides they went down to what resorts are in spending time and I want them to remember the beautiful experience of sitting on their father's laps or sitting around the Seder eating their mock sod drinking the four cups of wine telling the story of my triumph but in the intimate way where everybody gets to express their feelings to one another and enjoy the depth of our most beautiful holidays in the Jewish community I'd like to make a suggestion to you that you share some of these ideas of the importance of Passover with your child and instead say after the Seder perhaps even the summer I'm going to take you on a special vacation somewhere then you could go to resort together then spend a weekend somewhere with your children and perhaps your grandchildren enjoying their times together so therefore your daughter will get some of the fun that she wants feel that she went in a nice vacation but her and her children meaning your grandchildren will also experience the beauty of being at home in one of the most important holidays in the Jewish calendar welcome to this new series in Hebrew called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world you'll start on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this new show