Q&A: How to Reduce Fighting - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] the next question comes from a couple that spends a lot of time fighting and they want to learn ways to reduce their fighting and stress in the relationship Dear Abby Sean buff I've been watching the videos with great interest and although you've given us a lot of techniques on how to communicate better I'm still finding that we're fighting an awful lot is there anything we could do to reduce the stress in our home dear listener you're asking a really important question but I want to emphasize with you that the goal of marriage counseling is not necessarily all about communication communication is sometimes overused but what's really important is often to focus on the emotions behind the person's words so it's not just about what people are saying is about getting their inner feelings behind their words I've seen over the years that many people fight about all types of things the most silly things sometimes they fight about spending money sometimes they fight about cleaning up after dinner sometimes they fight about things like throwing out the garbage and cleaning up the dishes and other times they can find about the silliest things like toothpaste or people leave the toothbrushes on the bathroom counters so but what I find to be very important it's not often about the thing they're fighting about it's about something much much deeper for example let's say a couple is fighting about money and a wife says the husband is miserly and the husband says my wife wants to spend too much money and they're constantly fighting about money and I've had couples like this over the years and I try to talk them about making a budget about spending more wisely not being kind to one another but no matter what I say to them no matter how I get them to communicate they keep on fighting and in these cases I have to go much deeper and in the case like this I found that it's not about money they're finding it might be about their affection they share with one another it could be that deep down inside both the individuals are feeling that the other person is neglecting them emotionally they're feeling alone and because of this loneliness they're feeling sad or perhaps their spouse is not present when they're home some people are so busy on their cell phones so preoccupied with their work and their jobs they kind of start neglecting the relationship that's so incredibly important to them and therefore I think it's very important for couples like this that are fighting for a long period of time try to find out one of the things that are really stressing your spouse and you can even play a little bit of a game together write out a few questions one question to be one of the things that is stressing my spouse out most in their lives right now write out their stressors and worked stretches with family members stressors with their children or stressors with friends in their life they may not be getting along with it's very important to feel out what is the person truly experiencing what are they deeply longing for in their life perhaps behind that fight over money is really a feeling of loneliness or sadness or something deeply bothering them in another area in life and it's so important to realize this because so many times I watch couples fight because one person is just in a bad mood and it's very easy to think that because they're in a bad mood it's because of you and sometimes you don't have to communicate with them they're like shut off from you you can't reach out and get close to them so you just start fighting about things like money when it's never actually really about money so therefore if you tried a lot of communication techniques and try to work things out but it's still not working I want you to go a little bit deeper and try to explore some of the deeper emotion that it perhaps hiding behind some of the things you're finding about maybe it's loneliness maybe it's sadness or perhaps in many cases it's fear motivating people's behaviors the most important thing therefore to do is try to go out of the home with your spouse go take a walk bring them to an interesting environment which is peaceful and without stress and just try to listen to what their feelings are try to glean from their words is there something bothering them there's something bothering them and start exploring those feelings with them but be their friend don't try to criticize don't try to control them try to hear what's really hurting you there's a famous story of two people that were drinking one fellow says to the other drunkard he says I love you so much that the person says you don't really love me if you really love me you'll tell me where I'm hurting the same is true right here to really love somebody is dead to know what's really truly bothering them inside I'm suggesting if possible get out of the house have a good time together and then try to find out what's really bothering your spouse and I hope your spouse reciprocate by trying to find out what's really bothering you if you can get to that deeper level I believe you'll see much more success in your relationship welcome to this new series in HIDA Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world we live on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during a family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michelle you