Q&A: How Can I Get Mutual Investment in My Marriage? - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] welcome to marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Sean Bock I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype over the last few months since we've been producing the show there have been many letters we've received from viewers that have questions about marriage about relationship and about their lives and tonight we're going to start answering some of your important questions hi rabbi then listening to several of your online lectures they've been very informative one of the lectures you mentioned that we must invest in the relationship I agree with this how can I get the same commitment to investing in the relationship for my wife I've given their women's books on marriage of the past and she reads a few pages and then puts them away to never be seen again your advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks well that's a great question for those of you didn't watch the video investing in the relationship let me share with you what I was talking about a relationship is like a savings account the more you put into that savings account the more you can take out when is necessary what a people view as deposits in their savings account well it depends on the individual some individuals think that words of affection like I love you and I care about you for investments in their savings accounts other people look at quality time unlike the first people that want quality words some people just want to have a good time like going out in the trip going out for dinner just spending quality time with their spouse other people need presence to feel like they're loved and look at presents as deposits in the relationship others feel that when you do something for them in the house like you clean up for them you take care of some responsibilities that they used to take care of like throwing out the garbage putting the kids to sleep bathing the children making dinner and they feel more loved by you when you do that for them so those things are seen as investments while other things are seen as withdrawals most people see as withdrawals criticism contempt avoiding a conversation with them dissing think from them these are seen as withdrawals for the relationship so the more you put into the relationship the more you can take out when necessary now I understand how difficult it is for you you've been saying that you've been giving to this relationship while your spouse isn't doing it as well and I'm sure that's very frustrating for you but you still have to look a little deeper what are your spouse's love languages what are the things which your spouse views as investments you have to keep on looking I'm sure if you explore this topic with her a little bit more you'd find some answers perhaps she needs a little more quality time with you you know when you said you've given her books to read about marriage she doesn't respond to it because that's not her love language she's not thinking about marriage she may need to feel marriage a little more deeply I want you instead to review with there the five languages of love and they are words of acknowledgement spending quality time giving gifts of presence acts of service or touch just ask her out of those five things did you tell me the number one for two things which you find to be your love language I'm interested to hear what she says and whatever she tells you independent of what you like I suggest you try to give her those important experiences maybe invite around in a date maybe stay up late with the kids maybe give her a break and give her some more free time away from the home these things may be things she might not do with you but things which she may feel more love from you see if you can work on those just for a few weeks and then email me back and tell me what happened I love to hear welcome to this new series of Vita Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel shomba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world we'll start on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and sending your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on this new show