Q&A: Dealing with an Overstressed Mother - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] the next question comes from a man who says he's 40 years of age and although he's a grown up adult his mother can stop calling him and bothering him she's constantly worrying about him and he's so overwhelmed with his mother's interest he doesn't know what to do and the writer writes dear dr. Shawn Bock your videos are truly amazing so much information in such short clips my mother is always worried when she's not worried it seems as if she's looking for something to worry about I'm over 40 years old she keeps calling and asking the most obvious questions for example did you eat today did you sleep good was it too hot or too cold at night etc if she knows I'm traveling she calls me every few minutes asking did you get home when you're getting home drive carefully don't fall asleep on the wheel don't give a lift to strangers please fill up gas they alert when you're driving she repeats the same questions and remarks over and over I feel like she's treating me like a baby and it was so annoying and stressful I tried explaining respectfully that I'm not a baby anymore and I don't need to be reminded to eat sleep stay awake when driving etc when I tried talking to her about her being so worried she does not accept what I say and gets defensive is there any advice to overcome the stressful situation thanks in advance dear viewer it sounds like you have an overly anxious mother and you're not the only one in the world that has this but there are certain things you may do that may be helpful however there's other things you may have to do that may be unpleasant to make your life more bearable it's hard for a lot of parents to realize that their children have actually grown up I once heard it said that when the most difficult things for mother is cutting the umbilical cord she has to give the child freedom to allow that child to make mistakes in his or her own life it sounds like your mother is having a lot of difficulty just letting things go now I'm not sure why she has it it's very possible that she as a child had unsupportive parents or grew up in a difficult family and she is overly fuzing or meshing with you and shouldn't be involved in your business the reason that she's doing this is perhaps she is suffering on a personal level maybe there's things in her life which aren't healthy that she's not talking about maybe she's struggling with depression anxiety either way it would be interesting to find out if there's any issues behind her anxiety and perhaps it you could suggest her to try to get help for those matters the second thing I want to suggest to you is your family may need some counseling to discuss boundaries let me talk to you about different types of boundaries there are about three different types of boundaries one boundary let's call it a solid line where there's no connection with one's family member there's another boundary which are little dots which we'll call an open boundary where people are involved with each other's lives all the time neither of these boundaries are healthy boundaries it's not healthy to cut off from a person totally and the other side it's not healthy to have open boundaries where people are just talking each other constantly about private matters or invading their privacy what we need to develop in relationships is what we call a healthy or permeable boundary where certain things get in and certain things can add but there's a respect for those boundaries now it sounds like with your mother she does not respect your boundaries and you're saying you need to have those boundaries therefore I would suggest you in the kind of ways that you have a discussion with her and say listen mom I know you're feeling anxious I know you're feeling overwhelmed at times but I get overwhelmed when you get too overwhelmed we need to set more of a boundary between us and let's limit our phone calls or text messages to once a day or once every other day I want you to introduce this concept that this constant contact is not healthy for you or your relationship try to see if we can do some exposure therapy meaning expose her to accepting a little more distance but do this gradually we don't want you to develop this solid boundary or all where there's no relationship I'm sure she'll be pretty upset try to first see if you can limit your overwhelming break of boundaries and limited to a few days at a time and then gradually increase the distance by let's speak once a week I'm going to speak to err of shabad in which you should watch alone but don't get too involved in my life everyday it makes me feel more nervous and the third technique I want to suggest you to see if perhaps this will reduce your anxiety is do a lot of validating so when your mother asks you where are you now instead of instinctively getting defensive and finding her to say oh I hear your concern about where it might be and I'm safe that must be pretty scary for you and ones you're not really answering your question defensively you're just validating her feelings and I find this to be extremely effective with somebody who's worried it's okay to validate them but if you contradict them they get more nervous and try to read the emotions behind your comments if she says to you something like are you sure you have enough gas instead of saying yes or no instead saying I hear how concerned you are that I might not get there in time and thank you so much for asking what you're doing there is a laying her fears and making her feel that somebody listens to her without getting defensive against her I would suggest you try one or three of these things you'll find more success in creating a healthier boundary with your mother welcome to this new series of legal brief called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue dealing with family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michelle you