Parenting Mistakes: Turning Challenges into Growth - Parshat Mishpatim - Rabbi YY Jacobson

welcome everybody thank you for gracing us with your presence this morning especially those who braved the weather I was yesterday in Florida I went for an event so the contrast between the two weathers is quite dramatic I still have an affinity for New York I like the change of seasons I love when it snows I like to see the world in white but still it's cold so as the airlines say you had many choice is way to be this morning you couldn't you could have even sat on your couch and listened to the class so I appreciate we appreciate everyone who's actually physically here and of course we appreciate everybody who's virtually here as well especially if you're out of town and you couldn't Brave the weather this morning and even if you're in town we appreciate it okay today's class is dedicated by a very dear friend Mr and Mrs rman Goodman in honor of the engagement of their grandson M Hammer to AA kazari ma to the and to the kala ma to the parents of the and kala Leora and Yi hammer and Rifka and schm kazanowski and mazov of course to the Goodman family and to the grandparents mazeltov may it be a a marriage and home over flowing with love and joy and serenity and Abundant Blessings materially and spiritually to you and the groom and the bride and the whole family and thank you very very much for your partnership always I also want to dedicate this class to a young child who actually a relative of mine who fell very ill and I want to dedicate this class also to his and Yuda may have a complete and speedy recovery because of Mish and you're in our thoughts and prayers the boy and the entire family may we hear only good news for everybody pous M this week's portion could seem like forgive my irreverent expression could seem like a let down after uh a book and a half filled with riveting stories portion after portion after portion and you never get bored of these stories even if you read them for 50 years or 40 years or 30 years again and again and again you could still read them again and still see that you didn't understand a single word and there's always more and more and yet after a book and a half full filled with stories and narratives from one extreme to another the whole barus is one long story and then the first half ofm is a long story finally the tus says okay fun is over now it's time to get down to business and pun intended because is all about business literally getting down to business this is how the laws should be organized and taught to the Jewish people and suddenly from extraordinary dramatic profound emotionally charged narratives stories vignettes episodes Diaries and profound existential dramas we in cover aort un we uncover a portion with an emphasis on intricate nuanced detail of very mundane laws what happens if my ax Gores your axe the first time the second time the third time the fourth time what happens if I dig a pit and your donkey Falls in to that pit what happens if I borrow something from you I borrow an animal from you and it dies or I borrow a computer from you and it breaks down what happens if you give me something to guard and it gets stolen etc etc all of the many of the Civil laws of of Jewish law including theft and murder and servitude and what are the obligations of people to each other especially when there are disputes and debates this is all the main thrust of a large portion of par I say at the surface it can be a let down because the truth is as the gor says miles it's not a let down it's actually an elevation it's an elevation because at the surface the laws seem very very technical when you go to a deeper space you see that each law is really a container of very profound ideas the laws are only containers they're they're vessels that house within them very very profound and relevant ideas over the years we have discussed some of these laws what is more the laws grow out of all the stories previously they're not laws that are communicated in a vacuum here's a set of laws rather each and every grows out it emerges it's literally like a tree that grows from a seed from all of the stories and narratives and experiences and dramas and highs and lows and mistakes and errors and triumphs and victories of humanity in the Jewish people in B and and in this classem with God's grace we're going to take one of these laws it would seem pretty irrelevant to most of our lives and thank God it would seem irrelevant to most of our Lives you'll see why and we're going to point out what would seem like to be a technical error of placement but in the Torah these types of Errors quote unquote are always extremely insightful in other words whenever something does not written the way it should be written it's out of place wrong context wrong words something strange that's where you stop that's where you pause because that's where you got to go a little deeper you know would be like if you come into your dining room and there's a t there's a tablecloth over the table and it's smooth and it's flat on the table you go on to the kitchen but when you see that in one place the tablecloth is elevated it's creased it's uneven and one part up it's very elevated so now what do you do you pick up the tablecloth to see what came under it the t is filled with such bumps and creases the tablecloth is never ever flat on the table there's always something wanting why why as somebody once said most stories were intended to put people to sleep it's a good story Cinderella they lived happily ever after and now close your eyes my Malak and go to sleep it's been a long day and there's school tomorrow the stories in the T and tanak are meant to wake people up and therefore they never end with happily ever after never there's always like but but I still don't understand good stay up stay awake the questions of life that keep people alert and alive so when you see ever these mistakes these errors it's the tablecloth that's elevated so we can pick it up and see what's happening credit for today's class I want to give to Rabbi David foran a dear friend a senior colleague from the five towns aliv beta.com whose books Onish and tanak well known and Brilliant and in a wonderful essay and sheer that he gave on pares B is the nucleus and the basis of a lot of what we will teach today although some other sources that uh with God's help I compiled to uh build up the idea and elaborate on it somewhat but the credit of this idea is to Rabbi Forman who also brings out constantly that the laws are uh outgrowth of the stories okay so let's see your First Source it's The Source sheets are always loaded on the yeshiva.net so you can retrieve them afterwards together with theier they're already loaded now I want to thank silur who loads them and uh is the Web Master and edits the videos Etc thank you very very much so this is Exodus chap 21 verse 12 134 it's three talking about one person who takes the life of another person it's three verses dedicated to this here it goes English translation I took from safaria safaria website I corrected a few words that I thought would be a little better one who fatally strikes another person shall be put to death Mak doesn't just mean I hit somebody on their on their cheek or on their back which I'm also not allowed to do but I strike somebody V the person dies it's a fatal strike that can of course be with a fist or it could be with a bullet or it could be with another weapon this person who murdered the other human being shall be put to death okay now the Torah goes on to the next verse versus verse [Music] 13 but what if he did not do it by malice intentional with with with hatred it wasn't done huh oh okay malice okay sorry yeah if it wasn't done by malice meaning it wasn't done with intention premeditated hatred so how did it happen it came about by an act of God the person never intended to kill the other person then he shouldn't be put to death for I will assign you a place to which this person can flee this is the famous Mitzvah that would be later recorded in theti known as AR mikl there were Cities of Refuge on the trans Jordan there were three Cities of Refuge that's on the Eastern side of the Jordan River on the western side of the Jordan River there were another three Cities of Refuge in fact two of them are very very famous Kevon and with two of the Cities Al kades and of course both of these cities today are of Refuge for terrorists and murders that's where they hide out it's called Nabis it's one of the worst fortresses of Terror so that's a different type of City of Refuge but these were Cities of Refuge where these people can escape of course this is still before they come into Isel they were just in the desert they just received the terror there in sin but that's what he's saying I'm going to arrange a place where this person can flee and remain and over there they're protected next verse but when one person schemes against another killing him through treachery meaning this is wasn't a mistake it was YZ this was intentional was premeditated it was done cleverly I figured out how to kill him then theni you shall take the person even from my altar even if he's standing at the altar mean meaning at such a holy space in the Holy Sanctuary what could be Holier take him away from there L to die because he's a murder these are the three verses and then we go on to the other subject do you notice anything strange about the order of these Pim what would you say anybody good very good huh ah very good very good excellent so it says in says is the acronym of very good yes now you want to know what in the world good very good I'm going to give you a standing ovation cuz especially that I'm standing yes I know valid dictorian we have a lot of valedictorians but she's one of them yeah and a special author too is the acronym of you see begins with Al begins with l begins with and begins with l so it's El now what is the word what in the world is the connection between the month of el and this P that's talking about very very sad and tragic fact of somebody who was killed by mistake unintentionally as they would say in the news they were in the wrong time in the wrong place wrong place wrong time here it says it was an act of God meaning the person didn't premeditate it somehow that's connected to El excellent thank you but what is very strange here is the order of the three you see what happens right as you pointed out everybody notices what's the issue here let's let let's let's get to the basic meaning of these verses there's three verses here verse 12 13 and 14 you B in the first the says that if somebody kills another person that human being male or female shall be put to death okay the second verse qualifies that statement and says it's not always the case that the perpetrator is put to death it depends whether it was a premeditated act or the perpetrator was not planning to kill this person it was a tragic mistake it happened by accident and indeed that's a very powerful qualification when we said in the first P he should be put to death wait wait wait not always if it was fatal but it was an accident then we give an opportunity to save himself he could flee to a City of Refuge beautiful over there he's protected if a victim's relative comes to take revenge and kill him that person will have to be put to death because this man is safe he's in a City of Refuge he's in a safe place what if he did plan the murder in advance now comes the third verse the third verse comes to describe the scenario of a planned premeditated murder if the perpetrator plan the murder then he shall be put to death he doesn't have the benefit of running away to a City of Refuge and even if he's holding on to the to the altar he's in a holy place you know he's standing at screaming he's a murderer okay get rid of him he's dangerous but don't they seem out of order what would be the logical flow you started to say somebody who kills another person should be put to death what should come right after that what would you say a murder shall be put to death right huh so what what you like the order so let's see right start off okay so let's see so The Logical flow looks like this right here's the rule a murderer will be put to death there is an exception to the rule if he didn't have murderous intent then he won't be put to death now there's a third verse clarifying the rule he is only considered a murderer if he had murderous intent wouldn't have it made more sense to switch the last two verses meaning do the first rule a murderer will be put to death now let me clarify what I meant by a murderer let me say what I meant I meant not somebody who was climbing up a tree and unfortunately he fell on somebody or he was felling a tree and unfortunately a branch fell on somebody Etc where it was an accident even if he could have maybe been a little more careful it wasn't a complete complete complete unavoidable accident but okay he certainly didn't try to kill him clarify that in that case he's not considered a murderer so wouldn't it make sense say the law you murder somebody else you die now clarify the rule what does it mean you murdered somebody and you die he murdered somebody intentionally right Mur H but then do shouldn't you first no because the first one you mean right means don't murder means don't kill right so for example if the court put somebody on death penalty because they murdered somebody else it's not right even over here we have firste murder seconde Mur even in America even in America we never know in other words before he clarifies the first law he already deals with the exception but the first law wasn't clarified yet you just said somebody who killed somebody else shall die now you need to explain what do you mean by killing somebody else it was a pure accident no I mean he meant to kill him that's what I meant which is the third verse Now give me the exception and what if he didn't mean to kill him but the guy died then not but you see the Torah does not do that the Torah puts in the exception before it even clarifies the first rule so it goes from one and then two and then it goes to three which really is connected to one now you could think what's the difference the point is the same h no of course and there's there's a like that that says in that the the the court is always trying to find in other words our objective is not to kill somebody our objective is the truth so if there's any way to find a way of liberating somebody from a death penalty they try to do that so there's a clear PK like that so it's it's in such things when you see such a change of order it's extremely meticulous in it's extremely precise Rabbi Foreman suggests that if our laws spring out from our history then the order is perfectly sensible why because these laws are not written in a vacuum they're actually an embodiment of a story that happened and in that story the exception came before the rule as we will see meaning the case of killing without intent came before the case of killing with intent so when the laws are presented the turle wants to show you these are not just a bunch of laws these are laws that are embodying a story and the stories are now concretized in law now the question is is there such a [Laughter] story right so we have a we so we don't have a lack of killings in the tanak that's never an issue if you ever learned through tanak you know that right away the first family right the first NAA story in history right you think you're the only ones who want Nas also wanted Nas the first Nas was oh what's new that were two kids in the world and the world was not large enough for both of them so of course Cen killed heav okay you think you were living in Brooklyn and tight quarters Kenne felt that the whole planet he needs the med says that there's three reasons Cen killed he one is because of territory he wanted the whole world another reason was relationships he was born with an extra twin girl Cen said she's mine I'm the oldest and he said no she's mine so he murdered he for a woman another re in the med say they argued where the bikes is going to be Cen said in my place he said in my place basically till today most wars are about these three things territories religion and relationships huh they the Torah doesn't Clearly say why so one way is saying that he was jealous of the offering he was jealous that heaven was closer to God that's one interpretation that's what it seems from some of but this is how the medish puts it there's different it's not so clear in the question so there we have Ken killing he seems like it was an intentional murderer he took him out to the field he was speaking to him it says he stood up and he killed him what about an unintentional murder we go through baras we know Cen killed he that was pretty intentional it says the generation of the flood was filled it was filled withas yeah spell the same huh that was an accident right it's also not C and it's also not clear in Kish Rashi explains it yeah a little blind yeah yeah no no I know the story about I'm saying what says clear inish so you have the generation of the flood but there's no specific story over there you have of course n and his children when you get to the next stories you have of course light being kidnapped you have wars but where do you see an unintentional murder in bous we don't see that it would seem like we don't see that so YF they planed to kill him yes but they didn't so YF was approaching one of them one of the brothers told his brothers the the dreamer is coming let's kill him and throw him in one of the pits and sistens and say that a beast a wild beast ate him it's Ru who mixes in and says don't murder your brother instead let's just throw him into a pit ruven wants to save him at the end he ends up being sold into slavery right then of course you'll have in has shiff Pua The Midwives he wants them to kill every male baby that's born they disobey so now he has his troops the Egyptians killing every male infant by casting him into the sea all very intentional premeditated murders yeah so again ASV was killed by yakov's funeral when kushim the son of Don who was death saw that the funeral is being delayed because asov said that the plot is his so this is again not clearly in this is and the med brings a so over there you have killing asov right Al but also not clear in and it wasn't an accident so shim and Ley kill out again there's no stories of death missing in the tanak but shim and Ley obviously did it in an intentional way and also people don't realize that Dina was still abducted when they did this it's not like they got Dena back and they went on a rampage of Revenge Yakov was still upset at shim and Ley he felt that it was wrong what they did because it endangered the entire family but Dino was still kidnapped by according to the and based on many m they all came to defend when shim wanted to take them but in any case over there it was obviously planned they had them circumcised they did it on the third day Etc so let's go a step further here okay when the T wants to describe in verse three the person who kills with intent what are the opening words you see the word is yid there could have been many other words one word could have been y right from the word Rasha or other words but the word that's you used here is yazid this is a term that appears only one other time in the entire anybody remembers when we have such a word yid where it's translated here as scheme somewhere else the other places translated very [Laughter] differently almost almost almost huh very good very good Oh I thought it's K she's valedictorian okay okay fine okay okay it's a 95 not 100 fine P the answer is one more place in the whole Kish you have this term and it's imp told us asov has just come home from a long day of Labor as the tus says he was a hunter in the field the Torah says he was starving and he was exhausted he smell tells his brother's lentil stew simmering on the fire he asks of him to give him some of that lentil yakob says no problem I'll give it to you but there's a deal he's a negotiator you got to sell me your Birthright as of concurs he willingly sells off his Birthright and the stew changes hands so that Yakov can have a delicious and even healthy dinner because lentil stew is pretty good asov asov even gets a healthy dinner now you're going to say what does that have to do with murder it's not immediately evident so it looks like just a coincidence but let's take a look at the words if you take a look not at the next words the one after told this this is Genesis 25: yov Yakov cooked up a dish a pottage a stew a soup comes from the field and he was faint he was tired he was he was very exhausted okay so it's interesting this is the only other time the word Y is in y but it's not connected there he's cooking a pot of soup or a stew or a dish what does it have to do with somebody intentionally murdering somebody else obviously it's just a coincidence but wait once second there's another key verb which appears here in the laws and M somebody who kills without intent in the second PK what does the word say now Rashi struggles what's the word Sada Rashi says maybe some say it's from the word hunting he didn't hunt him it's like when you go hunt an animal you plant it you don't just go hunt an animal by mistake you take your equipment you take your guns you take your arrows right punters have a whole it's a whole sport it's not Hally allowed but it's a whole sport it's very intentional is that what sod means he didn't hunt him down Rashi struggles Rashi says it maybe a different interpretation s means he planned it or was an ambush ambushed or from the word sad this A whole discussion in Rashi but it's a very interesting word to the point that Rashi himself struggles with with three different interpretations what the word s means the question is do we find a similar term in any Saga in the Torah very good be beautiful beautiful the same story Yakov and asov exactly the same story has this word summons asov to his bedside and he asks him to prepare a delicious meal of meat for him the word used for Hunt is the very same word as the same root as take a look in the next one that's Genesis 27:3 says sharpen your implements your sword Take Your Bow say to go out to the field now it's written it's pronounced in a very interesting thing sometimes a word is transcribed and pronounced in different ways it's called and the way it's written why is that it's very mysterious if you want me to pronounce it a certain way just write it that way so there's very always unique Mysteries it's written one way and it's pronounced a different way it's not so often but it's also not infrequent this is one of the examples when the Bal reads it on shabas from the ter they're going to say but it's not what it says it says but what does it mean it's very clear I want that you should Hunt game for me that's what say is sa it is hunting go and Hunt s right s is game or hunt and then he says I want you to make it into tasty food and bring it to me and I'm going to eat it and I'm going to bless you before I die one second this is not the only time we see this term we see it a few verses earlier describing as of growing up the boys grew up this is not just a little coincidence this is what as is known he is he's a master hunter he's a skillful Hunter he knows the art of hunting he's a man in the field yov yov is a whole person a wholesome person who sits in the tents he dwells in the sense it turns out that there are two key verbs in the laws here in yid and S yid and S both feature prominently in the story of yakob and as so maybe it's more than a coincidence comes the fourth source the NV nitv stands for Rabbi naali Yuda Berlin nitv he was the rabbi of a city called valan you heard of valan was one of the very famous communities in Lithuania and he ran a very famous V Yesa considered the father of all yeshivas the Yesa it was closed down by the Russian government in the early 1890s and shortly after the NV passed he was both the rabbi and the rashash of he wrote many including a commentary on called and beautiful beautiful commentary so the focuses on the word and he says when it says you murder somebody intentionally it's exactly go back to Y what's the connection was on the Internet it's a mistake it's test sanedrin page 89 actually the DFI is going to be learning it in a few days so you could test your husband if he learns D if he knows this gamar especially your husband you can test and he'll know the answer the gor asks a question there why does the Torah use the word now we know the word mazed right everybody uses the word ma what does mazed mean on purpose but where does it come from really it means cooking m means cooking so it became part of our vocabulary what's the connection scheming scheming what's the connection of scheming and cooking I mean they rhyme a little bit exactly because I don't have to explain to all of the nas here that it's not like your husband's thing that the food just landed from Heaven how was chabas made it just emerged everything emerged all the dips the sour doala the Moroccan fish the delicious soup it was the the first of all the microwave oven is not healthy that's number one number two you don't make a shabus with a microwave of it number three the Mana does not come down from the ceiling somebody cooked and cooking is a process and it takes time do I have to explain this to this crowd probably not probably not okay so I'm not going to be the fool says the that's what the he says why does the use the word it's a simmering Hot Pot Ain it doesn't become burning hot in a moment boom it's burning the fire is on the water is cooked it doesn't work that way it builds up it's not in a fleering moment boom I'm overwhelmed I just kill this person it was B this was planned this was this was a buildup it was pre that's what premeditated means so the clearly based on the quoting the G that's why it says the word it's like a hot pot so the explains what does this mean what the gamar is really saying over there and it says this in the gamar that it comes from the word cooked and then it explains us why so suddenly we see that kazal clearly saw connection between these two stories now you could say it's just happens to be technical cooking is a nice metaphor for something that takes time but then we see the second verb which is which is also in that story of hunting so maybe it's much much more than a coincidence and then we ask another question in that story did anybody premeditate nobody was killed right one second good nobody was killed in actuality but was anybody planning a murder and of course planning not at that moment right but did anybody plan a murder so now you go to the next source of course and we all know the story after yakob deceived his father and took as stole asa's blessings what happens the terus says your next source hated because of the blessing that his father blessed him and said in his heart and this is from the few places Ines that the T quotes a conversation in the heart usually the conversations that are quoted are verbal [Music] Communications right what what did you say yeah or she laughed in we also have it when he tells them to throw Y into the pit the tah tells us what he was thinking he was thinking here we also have what yet what ASA is thinking he didn't say it to anybody B he said it to his heart but what we say to our heart is very significant because that's called an internal conversation internal mental conversation what did he say let the days of M from my father draw near so I can kill my brother Yakov my father's an old man at some point he's going to die right after that another person is going to die but this person is going to be killed by me and that's Yakov my brother so here we have an example of what it looks like to plot a murder in advance the T told the story he's talking to himself he's planning it for weeks months and maybe even years or decades ahead cuz he doesn't know when Yak is going to die in fact it turns out that yak is going to live for a very very long time and ASV knew that the jeans in the family were very healthy because he knew when abam died and Y died and also how holy these people were ASA respected his father tremendously so this was bubbling up this was bubbling up for decades because we know did it start with the stolen blessings did it start with the blessings or it started much earlier when did as's negativity and animosity towards Yakov begin with the blessings much much earlier when did it begin no at Birth Yakov was holding on to as but when did the actual out of the to come out first he didn't push him out he was holding he was holding what says in where does the actual begin up issue huh so in the womb there was a tumultuous issue fine so that's called preverbal subconscious for that you have to do a lot of therapy but ex what happens in the womb there's a lot that happens in the womb yeah pregnancy trauma birth trauma Big Stuff big stuff it's a big bigger issue Than People imagine but uh medical traumas from birth Etc however what's explicit in the when as expresses his G grievance to his father on his brother he quotes two stories what are the two stories H one is the blessings and what's the first thing the story with the soup the story with the stew in fact he tells y first he took my Birthright then he took my blessings he stole everything that belongs to me this man does not want me to be he can't deal with me my Birthright he steals of course ASV gave it away but sure I was hungry I was starving and now he took my blessings so this means he's telling y this didn't start today and right after that it says he hated Yakov and he began to plan his murder so it goes back to that fateful day years before with the lentil stew that's when the hatred begins that's part of the reason that he wants to kill him and that's why he tells y clearly both stories he doesn't just say the story that happened now he's been harboring a story from a very very very long time ago now as you pointed out it never actually happened asov never killed him he wanted to he planned to kill him according to kazal he sent his son alas to chase Yakov and kill him but it never worked out he never went through with the conspir with the with with the with the plan but it's almost like the and not almost the M may be intimating to us do you know what it means to have intent to kill do you know what it means to plan a murder look at the case of asov he hated his brother for decades he harbored this resentment these emotions of negativity and animosity that's what we call in English to lie in weight literally like a predator if you ever watched National Geographics or you ever went to Krueger's National Park 5:00 in the morning to see the real thing like the Mah Mah who wake up before the SI in order to be able to see it happen and the Animals the Predators they lie in weight and it's extremely extremely focused laser sharp Focus yeah yeah Kamas planned October 7th for seven years yeah and the women who were the surveilling the cameras warned of it again and again and again and the arrogance the stupidity the narcissism and mainly the blindness of some of our leaders in Israel caused them to ignore what these women and girls saw clearly and not only that penalized and one of them was told one more time you mention this you're going to be fired and you're going to lose your job so this is what's called murderous reg regimes and movements and groups and organizations that plan things so the t is almost like toying with the idea of Asa and asking us what if what if he did go through with the crime if ASA would have gone through with the crime then this is the case ah it would have been a premeditated murder of course there would be nothing left of the Jewish people right nothing left of the Jewish people because yob was the father of the Jewish people so asov is the embodiment of this p he is literally the example of this and when does it start it starts with that FH of course YZ here doesn't mean he cooks he cooks up an idea here it means he schemes but where did the scheme begin that's exactly why the word YZ it is it didn't happen in a moment ASV got overwhelmed I'm killing him no this was years and years of the making a of living with this livid living with livid anger and res resentment towards his brother for decades once the blessings happened now it was only the final straw that killed the cel's back or in this case asa's back the goat's back and he's like I'm done with him so that's why the word y it this was really really premeditated this took ah very good Arma the word Arma means it's with treacherous it's with cleverness it was it was dece it was thought out exactly and you're adding that it says told asov your your brother came BMA and this encouraged it motivated it finally triggered ASA so deeply that's it I'm I'm not going to kill him right away I'm going to plan this but right when my father is dead right right my father dies ASA is dead I'm sorry yob is dead sorry but now we have the opposite question what about the reverse do we find anybody who produces or actually commits a crime never mind of this nature but without intent a perpetrator who finds himself doing something terribly wrong but he never planned it really it turned out that way that's the question and here we're going to see quite a fascinating medish and the medish says take a look you don't expect this medish because we don't see it that way but that's how the med sees it it's your second to the last Source very very good yeah so this is a medish it's called Med it's one of the M the beginning of and this is how it opens up you have it also in the English translation and it opens up with a very strange question and you're like how does this fall into this med this is how it starts off the student says rebi please teach us could the master teach us when a person unintentionally takes the life of another person where can this person take refuge and you're like it's a good question but why is that in the beginning of a and the answer is this is what our masters taught us the med asks this question like a student asking a question somebody killed somebody unintentionally what do they do where do they run so the answer is our teachers said like this how hard you to never if somebody unintentionally kills another person he runs away tol one of the Cities of Refuge there were three cities in the trans Jordan there were three cities in the land of Canan but our patriarch Jacob he took refuge in a place called he was running for his soul and he also was afraid that won't kill him and when God saw him in such distress he appeared to a dream he appeared to Yakov in a dream in the beginning of a offering him and guaranteeing him protection now the question is whoa the med is obviously saying something we wouldn't expect we always understood the story as Rifka told yakob if your brother wants to kill you run run why you running simply you have a brother who's going to kill you even though he planed to kill him after y's passing but maybe Rifka did not know when that is or maybe Rifka thought asov will have second thoughts and kill him before so she says go to my brother love and stay there and I will bring you back there until your brother's asa's wrath relaxes that's how we always read the story The Med introduces a whole other dimension to the story it introduces the dimension of somebody who kills somebody else unintentionally and has to run away and now the question is where does he run and Yakov runs to so the question is one second did Yakov kill somebody unintentionally wow so this this was a man his name was RAB Yuda Aruda AR was known as Yuda rabuda AR alter and he was the third G Reb his grandfather was the may may Al was was a student of the katar when the katar passed away in 1859 he became the first G is not far from wara in Poland andus was a grandson who was raised by his grandfather because his own father died when he was a young child his mother and father died when he was very young so his grandparents raised him so when the kast away in 1866 was still very young he was 19 so there was a second Reb known as of Alexander and then when he passed away was only 23 he became the third G Reb and became one of the very great luminaries in Poland he passed away inat 1905 which is actually 120 years ago right soat exactly that comes from G okay I didn't know how the konet skis come to G I thought you were good to LX okay mixed marriage I see Bas yeah so this has passed away exactly 120 years ago onat and his work on is very well known classic in theic World especially but everywhere and he's he translates what does thism mean where did Yakov kill somebody he never killed anybody is there a story we don't know take a look last didn't only run away technically because Asa was chasing him there's no coincidences in life Yakov ran away because he needed to run away in other words we often look at it it's as's Insanity you got to run for your life the med is saying it doesn't work that way this was something that Yakov needed it wasn't only a response to asov you know often when we go through our Journeys in life I often think it happened because of this one and that one and that one and that one and that one that's maybe how it played itself out but it's actually the journey that my soul needs in order to become the person I'm going to become it doesn't mean the other person is a sadic it just means that it's not just about as it's also about yov where did yov kill somebody says killed as unintentionally this was asov was pushed out he was outcasted he was n he was cast away byov it's a mistake but it happened why should have been brought as of close even though we always learn stay away from lies stay away distance bound inuries stay away why you why you blaming yov says yov was so Anchored In Truth he didn't have to run he didn't have to be afraid he was so Anchored In Truth he could have brought everything close to Hashem even ASA when somebody has some lies inside themselves they need strong boundaries because as says somebody else's lies can trigger my lies and then when your issues trigger my issues we just both become a mess it's like a patient comes to a therapist and the therapist also has unresolved issues and the person's wounds triggers the therapist's wounds and now suddenly instead of the client being a client who's being helped the client becomes a subconscious therapist who's helping the therapist deal with her wounds and his wounds and trust me it's a disaster and I'm not speaking theories here if you are unresolved be careful because the other person's issues may now become yours and now instead of helping them you're actually part of the problem not part of the solution and it's very clever it's very Sly and it's sometimes subconscious person doesn't even know but they want that client to stay in their office for the next 25 years because of their own unresolved wounds they they may even create friction in a marriage that doesn't really exist to create dependency of the client on them because I'm saving you from your crazy husband or your crazy wife in fact I know a woman who went to therapy she has lot a lot of struggles and the it was a female therapist the female therapist without even speaking to her husband has the telling her your husband is in love with another woman he doesn't like you and he's the problem she never called the husband she never met the husband I happen to know the husband very well he's a sadic and he loves his wife very very dearly I mean I don't have R KES but it's quite obvious quite obvious so I asked I asked the husband and the wife did she ever call him did she meet him no and the the client stayed there for eight years and almost got divorced but that's what happens when somebody is unwell and what do I mean unwell unwell doesn't mean that they have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist that's at least they know they're unwell there's a certificate you can prove it I'm talking much deeper you're struggling with something and you don't face it you don't deal with it and suddenly your clients become unintentional instruments in helping your coping mechanisms continue why am I saying this cuz you have to know boundaries if I'm not fully healed and I go into certain situations it may be a disaster that's what he says it says was he doesn't have to be afraid he can go into very difficult toxic situations because he knows who he is when you know who you are and you remain pure you're good you can deal with as you can bring out the goodness in as and it's true for everybody everybody in a leadership position and that's true every father and mother is a leadership position and of course a rabbi and a rebit a when you're dealing with people who have challenges and your challenges become mixed into thems theirs I don't help sometimes it's the exact opposite so that's why he says was but Yakov was humble in his own eyes and therefore he felt he has to stay away he can't show up for asov he was humble in his own eyes and he said I have to stay away because he didn't understand his own power and greatness this is called unintentional murder that's what this explains now what do we huh huh no we're talking before before his mother commanded him to go all the years growing up yakob felt that he needs to stay away from asov because he did not realize his own strength so you can't call this intentional on the contrary he was is he was you can ask you in the he couldn't conect yeah we did a whole class on that that's aov to this it says that Dina ultimately yov hid Dina he didn't want as should see Dina because Dina was a beautiful girl and he knew asov has a weakness let's put it that way and and say but Dina could have transformed ASA okay that's that's we we did a whole share on this once what it mean what does that even mean you're supposed to endanger your daughter cuz she may help this guy right so that means that obviously Yakov underestimated dena's personality and we explained at length that Dina was a daughter of Leia and who was Leia's original sh you remember as right and at this point Dena could have repared asov but here you see again the pattern what did Yakov choose Yakov chose complete cut off and we could understand why it's very very sensitive you're not calling self-preservation you're not calling him aaz so why are we calling him a and here we're introduced to a very very subtle idea both on the Practical level and then on the emotional level on the Practical level what does this even mean what does the medish mean on a very practical level what does it mean he murdered asov he didn't physically murder ASV just like ASV didn't physically murder yov and that's what's so interesting about these laws in mtim they're not describing a physical case they're describing things that happened in the heart asov planned to murder Yakov what happened with Yakov and asov a part of asov died what does it mean a part of ASV died ASV has two parts in him ASV has one part which we call a Russia who wants to kill Yakov who's doing whatever he's doing out there in the fields but asov has another part the part of him that cries why yob is not M of him asov himself is disconnected from himself he doesn't know who he is if asov would know who he is if all his parts were integrated he wouldn't be asov he would be yov is means you're an integrated person you know all your parts and they're working together in cohesiveness when you're in the field and you're a hunter represents disintegration that's why you need people in your life who can hold space for who you are but can also hold space for who you can be they have a vision of who you are but they also have a vision of your greatness and they don't fall prey to who you are right now letting go of the vision of your greatness right it's one of the most important things in parenting and education I want to hold space for my children where they are but I also want to hold space for where my children can be for their ultimate greatness and I can't compromise one or the other cuz if I only see the future and not the present I'm not connecting to the person I'm just denying who you are and there won't be trust there won't be attachment but if I'm only in the present and sucked into the present reality and there's nothing else now instead of becoming a source of Hope and encouragement and love and healing I just can become another problem and frustration and resentment so it's a very very sensitive process between seeing who the person right now is in their own mind but also see see their pus also seeing what is deep deep deep inside of them and not getting confused by the two for this the main work is inside of myself inside of myself holding space for my pain having empathy for my pain and at the same time not allowing that to shut down the valve of love because what often happens is the pain produces resentment which produces shame which produces chaos which now produces anger of how you single-handedly destroyed my perfect family and that's the end of a relationship now even if I'm smiling good Chavez good Chavez drop dead good Chavez good chabas I wish I never had you good chabas good chabas you want to eat something you Mak sorry for being blunt but you know what I mean this is all in the heart nobody knows this you're smiling you're all smiling oh but our children I always say our children have rues they know what you're thinking you're looking for people who have rues go to your kids they know what you thinking they know what your subconscious is you don't have to go to some grave of a holy Hol I mean it's good to go to Holy people's resting places but most kids today have rues if you listen to how they describe you you'll hear oh how did you know that how did you know that the point here is this is a very deep energetic work with a person and what we're learning here is I could sometimes kill somebody unintentionally I had very good intentions I meant well I was actually trying to protect myself and maybe protect other people and in the process I never tuned into to my power I was always a victim Yakov because of his humility he became a victim rather than a leader he didn't understand how much of his presence could have healed yob could have healed asov now that's very very profound words the gar says very famous G that was one of the great sages and he didn't allow them to offer the calf that the Roman Caesar sent to be offered in the B because there was a blemish Kam made a blemish so they said we have to sacrifice it anyway because the Roman Caesar needs to be appeased and it's and he said no people will think you're allowed to sacrifice a blemished animals they said then we have to kill the Informer he's going back to Rome and he said you're not let to kill somebody who makes a blemish that's not a death penalty that's not murder so they let him be and he went back to Rome and he instigated this whole story about the Jewish Revolt that's what the gar says page 56 so the gar says said the word is not goodness you remember the word the piety the humility of destroyed our now what do you want from him he was just a sadic he was just trying to say the right thing and why is he called humble H as well the humility what does this mean this you mean means that sometimes destruction happens because of humility what type of humility isn't humility an amazing feature mha is praised by being the most humble person there's two types of humility this humility that empowers you and makes you one of the strongest people on Earth there's humility that paralyzes you depletes you from your energy and you become a shmat what's the first type of humility is the humility that I'm A Channel Of God I don't own life I don't own my oxygen I don't own my neurons cells atoms I don't own my body or my soul I'm a channel but who am I a Channel of I'm a Channel of the creator of the world that's powerful humility let's call it powerful humility there another type of humility and that's the humility of garnished I'm a nobody and look wow and I did this I look at the mistake I made yesterday what an awful person I am how can I do this I'm in a defensive place I'm in a weak place I feel paralyzed I feel so small I can't take initiative I can't be proactive I'm always doubting and questioning myself to the point of emotional paralysis and stagnation and there's a humility that depletes me and just makes me feel so small now the the difference between the two is very very subtle because it can easily you know powerful humility can morph into arrogance it's really being truly open and present to what is my mission right now and how I could show up with true heing and love and connection not with fear and self shame and self-loathing camouflaged as humility now even from a practical level what happened with the blessings Yakov sat for decades and meditated to take away yakov's blessing asa's blessings it was at the moment right Rifka heard a message she called in Yakov she's like go take the blessings it's not even clear exactly if it doesn't even Rifka never even told Yakov to tell y that he's ASA she just said go go and go in and take the BR it was yob who then identifies himself as as it all happened so fast and asov was very very hurt by that he was hurt and it created a trajectory of his life and kazal are so sensitive they call it a form of death there was a part of ASO that died there was a part of asov that felt so rejected I'm done I'm finished he was cut off h I don't know if Rifka she asks if Rifka ever re reconciled with Asa it's interesting that when Rifka sends Yakov away the tah identifies her as the mother of Yakov and asov and Rashi says I don't know why it says that we know that she's the mother of yakob and and it may be that what the PK is trying to say is that Rifka should have thought to herself let me send away asov not Yakov but Rifka was the mother of asov and she knew how how much ASV needed his father because she's so close to his father right right so that's the point that Jakob is considered unintentional because he didn't for he asked he told y ASA I want your Birthright remember the then of the before the was with with the first born and and as told him I don't need my Birthright it's it's just a burden I don't need it here take it and then again he takes the blessings so it's considered that he took something from ASA very very precious you could see asa's tears and asa's sobs but it's still unintentional spiritually also this says it was his own humility rather than an intentional idea that ASV has to be cut off and it happens so often in life how many of our kids and our students have been rejected emotionally have been thrown under the bus not because God forbid intentionally parents or teachers or principles or rashish or Educators or therapists or Mas want to hurt somebody but it's unintentional but unintentional doesn't mean that the consequences didn't happen how much emotional neglect occurs unintentional if a mother or a father are dealing with their own wounds or they have challenges in the family with other kids and they can't be fully present for the children who need it most it's these are all unintentional things nobody meant it nobody meant it it was my own responding to my own Survival Instincts you know how many of us who grew up in our own challenging homes and we couldn't we didn't know what certain things are we didn't know what certain emotions look like we didn't know that you could deal with things without running away from them we didn't know is this somebody's fault I mean there's people sitting here in this room who have been around the black a couple of times you know how your parents dealt with things and survivors who had to deal with things people didn't know they did the best they can with the tools they had I have a son who's very funny he's 14 years old so when he wants to make fun of me a little bit he says tati you did the best you can with the tools you had tati you did the best you can with the tools you had and he's joking like sure good excuse good excuse soob was so yeah that he didn't realize the repercussions yeah he didn't realize the repercussions ish the t is saying he was Ish you have the wholeness show up with your wholeness asov has a soul that's tortured is that a good enough excuse I don't know that it's about excuse It's just about it's it's just about seeing the reality and the complexity of reality you know things are not black and white and ultimately the T uses three words God caused it to happen and that's a very powerful term in other words don't delete God from the picture this was not random huh oh that's very good intelligent women we have incredible bunch of valedictorians realiz no no when we say Yakov couldn't realize it it's a lesson we are his children so what we do helps Yakov everything is retroactive we are the continuation of Yakov it doesn't work that way the the we we are it says we're midgets on the shoulders of the Giants the midgets on the shoulders of the Giants could see further not because they're Giants but because we stand on their shoulders of course we learn we learn we grow that's true but he still has to do chuva yeah for sure for sure for sure yeah exactly exactly now take a look at something fascinating here okay before we get to El say when yov ran away from ASV and now we learn he wasn't only running away from ASV he also had to run away for himself he had to go to Exile there was something that was happening in that he had to go away in in fact in fact the holy and they write when RKA told Yakov to run away she said run away till your brother's wrath goes away from you until your brother's wrath goes away from you in a second PK so they asked what's the redundancy Rifka was saying till your brother's wrath goes away from you in the sense that he's not angry at you but till your brother's wrath goes away from you that you can also heal from your anger even if it's subconscious so Yakov in Exile has to go through a lot the whole story of RA and Leia the exchange of RA and Leia is really the story of Yakov and ASV being repeated in the marriage Ra was supposed to marry Yakov Leia was supposed to marry asov Yakov is deceived and he ends up marrying Leia before ra this is yakov's own inner work in Exile in galus now later he's going to say to God I came to only with a stick and Rashi says couldn't give him a couple of dollars he was a rich man you don't send your son away you can't give him a couple of dollars he only had a stick and what does Rashi say famous story he had a lot of money but what happened ASA sent his son alas to kill Yakov so why didn't he kill Yakov because he grew up in the bosom of alas was y's grandson and helped him grow up but he had him in his bosom he had him on his lap constantly so how can he kill Yakov he couldn't so he told Yakov I can't kill you I know you I know I can't kill you what should I do but my father said kill you and by us K is everything you know it's Godfather the mafia they say kill you kill you don't ask questions so you know what Yakov did brilliant he said alas let me give you a sheer and he gives him a she the gar says it's a few thousand years before the was written if you're poor you're like a dead man why don't you make me poor and I'll be dead so alas takes everything away from Yakov so now he's a poor man he's dead so he fulfilled the Mitzvah interesting elifas killed Yakov how by buying into his Shear that if you take away my money I'm like dead and Jakob survived now who was Al who was ala's son anybody knows Al was the father of amik amalik wow alas alas was a son of asov and he was a son of a woman named timna who was a concubine of asov a not even his wife and us every relationship there and every child there was born from crazy amount of incest and they graphically show it from the P this one was with his mother and with his daughter it was a disaster now if you were okay if you were and you had a son like asov so asov he loved but how long how much does the love extend now you have a grandson alas who was let's put it this way he wasn't the valedictorian of the is quite the opposite okay he's the father of amik and say where did keep him right there in his bosom right there in his bosom so you would say what a waste of time yet it turns out and the styleon is the one who said this that that act saved the Jewish people Yakov wasn't killed because y held AAS close to him so we look at it as okay you're a nice guy but you know what wrong grandson it turns out every Jew who's alive today is because y kept alas close to him right that's the Shia we discussed a few weeks ago told a few years ago told us Y is the Digger of Wells this Earth this gravel this dirt this filth and dig deeper and you're going to find Living Water this was y's power and that's why he kept Friday night at the meal is singing andas was just in the room on his phone and when comes to the dining room say m get out of my house you sick boy you're an embarrassment for the M instead and they said Is Blind he's naive was not was not naive you know your kids you think didn't know his kids people think was just Mr na he wasn't M he knew everything he takes alas he puts him on his lap so you saying it was a waste of time it was ridiculous no this is thousands of years before kesi thousands of years before AI fish I wonder where they got their ideas said the styler gone the stier okay tell us tosk he writes it he said because of that every Jew is alive today that's the only reason yob wasn't killed because y kept alas close alas didn't become the godor it's true he didn't do the best Lakewood or Tom's River but Yakov was saved without that there would be no Yakov there would be not one Jew alive today don't underestimate the power not only that I'm going to add if you go to the book of I I think it's chapter 4 it says that I had three friends who spoke to him and one of them was elifas and he speaks to him with divine inspiration asks Rashi how did Alas getes and Rashi says because he grew up in the bosom of so it turns out that this kid as he got older he found suddenly not only did he not become a murderer but he actually found so here you see the exact opposite as wanted to kill yov he sended alas What stopped the murder holding alas close Yakov had an opportunity to be M of asov which was not an easy task but in yakov's humility he kept the boundaries he wouldn't do that and then when Dina does it could do it he also doesn't want it that's what it means so the says also goes to G so now when we come to the laws are not just laws they're representing the story that happened so first you have a general law M now we ask the question first clarify the rule and then give me the exception of the rule but if the laws are just manifestations of the story what happened first what happened first was a he was not hunting him yov was not hunting as this is not the that asked for go hunt now there's a City of Refuge that happened early on already all the years of yakov's relationship with asov and then taking the blessings the next story is after the blessings when ASV now plans the murder and it's y it because it started off with the dish that was cooked it was already he was lying in weight for decades this was built up a pot that was simmering and simmering and the heat building and building momentum until the Heat exploded and he decides to kill him now comes [Music] what's this is so important because what's the casualty of making mistakes in life the casualty of making mistakes is you end up thinking you are a mistake there's not a person who doesn't make mistakes and in our generation we're all becoming more and more aware of mistakes but we have to be careful the moment mistakes morph into and devolve into endless self-blame and self shame it's much worse than a mistake now it becomes a death sentence the accident ultimately is attributed to who hasem why bring God into the picture it's so important to bring God into the picture cuz it me means true my father was this my mother was this my brother was this my sister was this my teacher was this my was this my re with this and you know what sometimes it has catastrophic consequences even if unintentionally but now I have to go a little deeper and say ultimately I'm not a victim of anybody this is not to whitewash criminals you know from this Pulpit we don't do that this is not not to minimize tragedy and this is not to undercut or mistrust victims who speak on the contrary this is for people to understand their inner power and fortitude and resilience that your soul is so gigantic It's So Divine nobody has ultimately the power to Snuff out your life and vitality nobody has the power to crush your spirit and eliminate your joyful presence and serenity from life I there was an un intentional murder and God knows how many unintentional murders there are on one level or another level and an unintentional murder doesn't necessarily look physical it could be an emotional death and it could be people who decades later are struggling with a part of them that died and death also looks like numbness and disassociation and part of my heart is non-existent and I don't know how to be present and I don't know how to be vulnerable and I don't know how to show up in a relationship these are all forms of emotional death and we say my soul went on a journey here but it's not destined to remain trapped and closed this is the journey that if I will confront it and work it through with a grief with patience with empathy and with a lot of love and understanding not bypassing and not minimizing and not denying and not repressing but if I work it through I will become the human being I need to become and then from Yakov if your name changes to is only after you wrestle the one inside who would did Yakov wrestle that night you remember s shov it was the as of he could never make peace with inside of himself that he wrestled with and he tried to kill him he said you want to kill me and he's limping and then ultimately he said you need a name change you're not a victim of as anymore you wrestled with God and with men and you prevailed Yakov has a name change Yakov is and each person we go through that name change what that means in our life and therefore the order of these verses literally embody the story and they also give us a sequence to the story because when you stay in par saes you don't know the Torah doesn't say who who is right who is wrong is asov right is Yakov wrong is Yakov right is asov wrong the it's such an interesting story with the blessings the T keeps everybody in suspense does God agree with Yakov asov is sobbing everybody FS with asov he's like my father why did you do this to me I want a blessing and he's crying and you're crying with Asa and you're like who's right who's wrong why did Rifka do this come on it's not a way to do it and the T like wants you almost to remain in that ambivalence and ambiguity andish it's very very unclear how we look at it and here in M we have like the sequence but not in the story in the law it's like ultimately yeah what Yakov did Yakov did and there was a lot of pain that was caused it was unintentional asov intentionally plotted a murder everybody in their own way needs to find their tick their growth their repair so the t is telling us you know asov ultimately he became disconnected and his mindset was how am I going to kill akov Yakov went to Gus exile for his unintentional stuff and learns to grow from it and in each of us we go through all of these processes until we can make peace between all of our parts and that's where ell comes in what's the whole idea of ell is not a month of guilt and shame is a month of saying as much as you want to blame yourself for your mistakes you could but realize God had big part of them many of the things we did or did not do to quote my son you did the best you can with the tools you had that's why he makes fun of it when he hears me lamenting something regretting something T you did the best you can with the tools you had right but there's a truth to that said when we say aamu it's in the plural why we sinned we who's we I you want your husband to come home to you and make a confession and say we sinned who's we who's we me and who else who else Obama Biden Clinton who who Who's we aamu of was a student of he said it's a very Dearing Insight he says you're talking to Hashem we were in it together I know I need to take responsibility but let's face it you're also partially responsible you set up the pieces okay I made the move I know that I was half dead I was stressed I was overwhelmed I was anxious I was numb I was disassociated or whatever you'll ask your friend for the details I need to show up I need to take accountability but when remorse turns into I'm such an awful Godless sick human being now from sh I turn it into amaz it now I become amazed now I'm cooking up a dish that's unnecessary don't cook up a dish that's unnecessary okay the food was burned that's the end of the story don't say I'm a schl I'm a I'm a nudnik my mother told me I'll never know how to cook my mother-in-law tolds me I don't know how to cook that's it we're just going to a restaurant which is not a bad idea maybe let's not cook up a dish a mistakes are mistakes they're meant to ask myself what caused the mistake what can I learn from it how am I going to correct it tomorrow make an appointment with your guilt if your guilt is there 24/7 it's not healing it's a that wants to destroy you your guilt comes into your brain why well you know you should have said this in the class you didn't say this you didn't say this no problem come to me 1:00 I have five minutes for you we're going to discuss it from 1:00 to 10:5 you'll tell me what a wretched loser I am and 105 go jump into the h you could choose the Pacific it's a nice day for you that's it you'll see your guilt will never want that your guilt doesn't want a 5minute appointment your guilt wants a 247 appointment like rabi says why allow your enemy live in your mind rentree 24/7 your guilt wants to live in your brain no problem charge them rent charge your rent and today rent is pricey charge your guilt rent let them pay you don't want to pay out the guilt doesn't allow that because the guilt is so deep it's like I know the truth this is where we have to become aware energetically to be able to breathe into our bodies and surrender even our guilt to our truth and then you have an El that's not based on guilt it's realizing yes I need to take responsibility but there's a story that's larger than everybody here and therefore the focus is not how bad you are the focus is how I can escape now from being in a prison expanding my heart and my mind to be able to show up with love right here right now have a beautiful week thank you next week we're on be Hashem 9:30 Tuesday a.m. first time I came I said I'm in school actually like push iar PE and of course things I learned in school I he over here is like amazing counter transference in a good way counter transfery when you put your the therapist puts their on Cent wow and it's not just when the therapist puts the thought on the client sometimes it's unconsciously the therapist's unresolved wounds become a major factor and it's not her fault even it's not her fault really yeah so that's what this says it's true asov is Allah and you have to stay away but when you're an ISS don't stay away go into the trenches because you could help it's such a powerful idea cuz it tells us when we have to stay away if there's too much going on inside of me if I'm being triggered like crazy by this person I need to go back to do my work because I'm going to become part of the she on the other hand if you know who you are and you know your pieces and you could watch them and you could put them in their place and you can empathize with them and they don't wreak havoc and control you then go there go there you'll save lives ASV needs you he's desperate he's tortured and if not I may kill somebody unintentionally I may allow them to die unintentionally powerful huh thank you thank you thank you we try try to be a channel thank you yeah th yeah we're going to