Parenting: How to Discipline a Child - Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer

there was a lady that went on a city bus and the bus driver looked at the lady she was actually holding her little baby and the bus driver said my I've never seen such an ugly child and the woman was aghast she was appalled she ran to the back of the bus sobbing uncontrollably so there was a man who's also at the back of the bus and he says what happened he sort of she was just beside herself in grief and devastates is what happened she said something terrible so the man said listen give me your monkey and on you'll go ahead and you'll tell off the bus driver the meantime kids sometimes are monkeys kids are very very difficult sorry giggle bunim raising children is not easy and it probably was never meant to be easy but there's no greater reward for raising children and seeing them turn out to be angels precious precious jewels the question is how do you discipline how do you guide how do you rebuke and criticize a child when necessary the fact is is that just like a building is only as strong as a structure and foundation your relationship with your child is only as strong as the guidance and discipline that you provide to that child very very very important every child needs discipline and every child needs guidance if you raise your child without necessary limitations and boundaries that is akin to planting a seed and never watering it it's disastrous and it is lethal it's horrible you must tend to your child and you must provide the necessary limitations boundaries structure and learn how to guide and criticize your child but there are two very important prerequisites before you could embark on criticizing or disciplining your child what are those who prerequisites those two prerequisites are having a healthy nurturing relationship with your child a and B earning the respect of your child hmm what does that mean what does it mean to nurture a relationship with your child that means that the only way you could criticize your child if the child feels loved validated dignified respected Barrio as a matter of fact the baal shem tov said that when the torah charges and mandates us okay are taking our Kisame seto which literally means rebuke you shall rebuke your friend Paul Sheldon observes a very pithy and salient observation he says it doesn't say effects took here as someone else and outsider a foreigner an enemy it says I myself I meself he says means there's a couple rather a there's a kinship there's a relationship there's a friendship there's a diet there is a true kisser he's because if you're gonna rebuke if you're gonna criticize someone who feels threatened then that person views it as something menacing and malicious harmful and hurtful and the person will not respect anything as a matter fact it's counterproductive as a matter of fact and once happened that it was a cuddle Hodor we don't know the identities got older because the Baal Shem Tov never named who this girl older was who was severely critical about people in the Baal Shem was generation he castigated a lamb bastard he wanted to malign them and the Baal Shem Tov was very strident and strict and about shunned him said how could you how dare you he said to the called or berate and criticized these people they are not only self but they're not your people of course they're part of the same nation I'm clear al but he was saying was he said you're a recluse you're holy of holies you're ensconced in a bubble of kedusha you had to besmirch he says but you don't understand the pain and struggles you don't understand the vicissitudes you don't understand the turbulence that these people are going through in order to rebuke in order to discipline it has to be on me self that you've got to know who are you talking to and you have to have a bond you have to have a relationship as a matter of fact I'm still cozy so cal interprets the Kamara bum and see it the flama dollop that says okay I've told ya rebuked I shall rebuke the gomorrah dharshan Sukumar extrapolates that a means that even a hundred times it's your obligation to really to towing that person that's sinning even if it means a hundred times says earth simple cecil cover doesn't mean that you have to settle off and you have to be derogatory rather what it means is is that you have to do it in increments even if it means many times packaging it and bite size proportions strategize and really thinking clearly on how to get across but it has to be predicated the basis in the car of it has to be a relationship a loving relationship and therefore it's incumbent on us to nurture a relationship with our children that we are their closest confidants that we are their biggest admirers they have to know their they have to feel really loved and they have to feel exceedingly appreciated by us I want to share with you something was sounding that I personally found astounding and this is the the words of our labor / Michelin our our labor Michelin said there were nothing or nothing nothing the Prophet came to admonish and chastise mm Elath for his King David for his indiscretion with bat Sheva so the posix airs in capital in an olive in Psalm 51 and to Hillel and says that when us in her nothing approaches dove it were nothing a prophet approaches though it says CarShare ba l ba Sheva like David went to Russia but not really what it means is that he went to dump it on the account of the fact that dove it did this indiscretions by Sheva but says Ravana bleep Ramesh lon you know what it means it means that how did he approach King David aa Tamela to discipline him and to criticize him to rebuke him to correct him he did it in a sweet way the same way dumb and went to Bosh evan and endearing way in the loving way so too did nothing go to Devon and this is mm Ella photonic atomic welcome the greatest and yet there had to be a sensitivity you have to be sensitive you don't know the struggles of the other person you don't know the struggles we child you don't know what happened to them at school that day maybe they were bullied maybe the child suffered from something shame remember the child had a really difficult day do you know no there for you go to the child in dear and loving and if you're not going to do that better not to do it and then there's another present the second prerequisite is earning the trust of child and basically what that means is in simple terms don't be a hypocrite because if you're a hypocrite there's absolutely pointless to try to discipline to try to rebuke or correct that child as a matter of fact the Camorra says it's a Gomorrah but Mencia that Gomorrah says above let's see them deaf coops on page 107 think Maura says hopefully I could tell here what does me healthy octal here I'm a Porsche I'm explaining that it means that in order to give to Huffer in order to give rebuke in order to discipline okay at first you should go ahead you should make sure that you are clean that you are clear of that same type of condition or sin cache I add smoker that before to adorn before you embellish before you correct before you try to beautify others beautify yourself because if you are suffering from that same condition if you are suffering from that same indiscretion you are suffering from that same sin and you go to your child and you try to discipline your child your child will look at you and your child will never be receptive or accept so for example you tell your child you know you're spending too much time playing games or on your phone or online if the child has access to online and the child looks at you and Sean says but mommy or patottie you're Louise when your and if the child doesn't verbalize articulate the Charles thinking about that mentally and Charles thinking what a hypocrite you know each other's an anger issue ain't child really gets irate and blows a fuse and you discipline child and child's look thinking one was the parent to criticize me he or she always gets angry and of course the old story you wanting child to behave in shul and to be quite a sure when the child sees you talking to talk you can't be a hypocrite Kishan smoke her first year for the door and first you have to correct yourself okay off and then till here and finally Nick Moore in Nouveau mr. Tom Wood says attractive almost stop summer favorite sixty-five that sometimes it's better to be quiet and not to rebuke one has to know the time in the place and really in order to know when to rebuke and went to discipline it's very hard for us to be objective and sometimes we just don't have to know how much and that's why it's important to have a relationship with the rough with a more real wrong or with a therapist or maybe in conjunction with the therapist to guide and how to discipline a child you