Our Family, Our Strength - Principle #17: How to Reprimand - Rabbi Yirmiyahu Abramov

you shall we continue the twenty five basic principles of Jewish child rearing based on the book our family our strength we are now in principle number 17 like everything there are guidelines and laws and principles how we do things certainly how do we reprimand now of course reprimand is an integral part of educating especially when a child is growing up and exploring and sometimes doing wrong things sometimes doing things that require reprimand that require sanction there are ways to reprimand if we want this reprimand to be taken seriously then we've got to do it in a very very specific manner so I find that there five major conditions to effect a reprimand and the good way of remembering them are the 5 c's each word begins with a see I'll tell you what they are and we'll discuss them do it calmly calm concise clear current and with compassion now let's discuss them all first one when you're reprimanding a child never reprimand him when you're angry if you do it from anger the child will focus on the anger rather than on the content of the of the reprimand something happened now and he walks in and that parent is flaming angry and from a great position of anger he will probably exaggerated the reprimand he'll probably create tremendous resentment he'll move the focus away from the real issue so therefore when you reprimanding the most important thing is do it calmly now if we incapable of being of calm reprimand on the spot then go and cool down maybe you gonna reprimand the next day maybe go up to the child nas's that was something very bad that you did it needs to be discussed I'm not in a position or a mind frame to discuss it now let's talk later now we shouldn't prolong it too long because the poor child sitting and caring and waiting what's going to come but we certainly can't afford to reprimand and from a situation of anger because anger will completely take the focused into a different place that's the first principle we must be calm when we reprimand number two is concise there's no purpose of going into long repetitive harangues and we over and over again saying the same thing the child will begin to feel well they're really exaggerating so while the child's listening he's hearing the same thing repeated over and over again different tones different levels and you'll feel that they really again here's an exaggeration this is way beyond what was what was demanded over here so the reprimand must be concise zero in exactly what is the issue and don't go into all sorts of other issues the next thing is clear it's got to be clear don't be vague if you want to tell the child you want to remedy something in his behavior you want to fix up something you want to leave no room for misinterpretation say things as clear as possible that was totally unacceptable what you did and spell it out in Clutton in short-term be absolutely precise and be absolutely clear as to what is the issue that you're reprimanding about and keep it that way keep it concise and as we said before when this is done in a clear in a calm manner then the person is given a thought and is able to assemble his thoughts and come in and give a very concise reprimand it's similar to go hand in hand with concise when you concise the usual you are clear but make sure that the child knows exactly what's bothering us knows exactly what is the issue he needs to remedy so let's be very clear about things now the next thing is current something happened and now the child requires a rep and we need to try and adjust his behavior in some other so let's focus on the event at hand don't dig up past history because then the child thinks what are they talking about the past the child will feel the parents being unfair why are you talking about something I did a year ago when you come to a child and say yes you always are doing this always a child birthing terms of no don't always do this why are they saying why are they talking about the past let's the event at hand true there's a pattern that's been systematic but there's no point in digging into deep deep history which is well long should have been forgotten a long time ago true a parent can say this is repeating itself and therefore I need to reprimand you but it's no need to dwell too long on the history let's talk about the current event at hand and the last thing is has I'll kill us are ever tell us that and a person can bring clothes with the one hand and if necessary punish with other hand but you've got to do it in such a manner where the child feels that there's compassion if a child feels that this hospital um hatred or there's anger em so one must show affection even an understanding and say my lovely boy my sweet boy you've done this and this you really shouldn't have done that you're a very fine lad and we love you very much but this is totally unacceptable behavior so you showing the compassion let the child know in no uncertain terms that even if he perpetrated some very great mister meanie did something very bad we still love him there's still going to be that love and I'm sanctioning you from a perspective of love and therefore this negative behavior hasn't inherently affected our relationship true your behavior was very negative but the relationship still remains a loving relationship of a parent to a child and therefore has not has infected so therefore to summarize again the 5 c's calm concise clear current and with compassion you