Our Family, Our Strength - Principle #16: Label the Action, not the Child - Rabbi Yirmiyahu Abramov

well we continue the series of twenty five principles of Jewish child rearing we're now entering into principle number sixteen based on the book our family our strength we should realize that our kids take us very seriously and especially at a young age before maybe negative things are crept into relationship they take us very seriously after all father and mother are the most important figures in our child's life and therefore of course they take us seriously so when we say things we should be most careful what we are saying because every word is being registered and every word is taking very seriously so when we say to a child something so common you bad boy the child did something bad but we've called him a label we're saying you are a bad boy now we don't mean that of course we don't mean the child is bad he's our child we love but we've called him bad the tire the child takes that label very seriously we've called him a bad boy that's a tremendous error that people make because the child accepts what we say at face value and of course the parent didn't mean it when he says you lazy child or you oh you such a clumsy person you knocked over the milk you clumsy yeah you look at that you couldn't get up in time this morning you're lazy child so we've given an identity to the child he's lazy he's clumsy he's even bad oh that's an evil that you're evil child you actually smacked your sister that's evil you're not saying that that's you're an evil person that has for sean that's a terrible thing for children to internalize that these negative labels so what do we do we label the action not the person never the person you're a good boy who did a bad thing that's a different thing completely the child doesn't get it's not a long term definition of who he is you did a bad thing okay good boys can sometimes slip and do bad things but they basically nerdly good you're you're you're you're a fellow with lots of strength energies but now you're not waking up with a lazy thing to do not being careful when you walked into the dinner table and you knocked over the pot that was standing over there you're not a clumsy person you did a clumsy thing because people a they take us seriously and they also live up to the labels and titles that we're giving them let's not hand out labels and titles if we do let's only give them like great titles you're my angel you're an angel you're a lovey-dovey are you you are such a lovely fine good boy good boy good boy that you can say levy shun good boy methodical you little pious little fella everything that's all fine but don't ever give negative labels because we don't really mean them and we certainly don't want the children to live up to them so we don't say you're a foolish boy we say that was a real foolish thing to do that action was a foolish thing to do it was it was lacking in judgment because the last thing we want this child to perceive himself as a foolish person he'll live up to it he'll then begin to perceive the person who he honors and respects and takes most serious in his life has just called him and labeled him you are a foolish boy so he'll walk out there thinking okay I'm a foolish boy I suppose I better live like a foolish boy so therefore the child isn't we're going to constantly harp you are inherently good sometimes you do foolish things so rather than label the child bad lazy clumsy label the action stealing is bad aggressive behavior is bad that's a bad thing to do especially for its being done by such a good boy you