No Room for Complacency! - Rabbi Benzion Klatzko

[Music] let me be very honest about marriage and it's it's tough to hear this but it's so you're gonna hear a lot of advice tonight and it's easy to give advice it's hard when it hits home you find that sometimes you'll have rabbis to speak about kids at risk and they'll teach you how to make sure your kids don't go off the derrick but then they have themselves a kid or two after their and they say rabbi we'll all the advices give everyone about yourself and the answer is as because I'll tell us in college Marty had to move a lesser room it's very hard for a prisoner to get himself out of prison so I can stand here and give you ideas advice from Crizal guidance but sometimes when I'm faced with a challenge in my own marriage I get stuck I'm upbeat um how can I give you advice if in my own marriage I sometimes mess up and the very things that I'm telling you the answer is because it's easy to your advice but when it becomes very personal and if you only know my husband if you only know my wife you'd see it doesn't really apply because we're different we're special he's unique in maybe not such a good way so the best I can tell you is like this marriage is something that you have to be always on guard always vigilant and the moment you're not vigilant is the moment your marriage begins to dissipate kalila you always have to be on guard not once a day but many many times each day and understanding that it's tough and understanding that whatever you hear tonight will be helpful and you're gonna store it in the back of your mind but whether time comes and your husband or your wife didn't speak to you nicely or did something that you weren't pleased with it could be the advice that you hear now is that gonna be the first thing that comes to your mind because you're deep in it so I'm hoping that besides all the advice that we hear just the idea that you have to be vigilant and you have to be on guard at least that you should take away from this session and then if you're on guard then maybe the little advice that we're able to give you will will come and we'll rescue you or give you a hydroxyl when it's needed certainly forcing somebody to take on the camera that you have chosen probably won't resonate with your spouse I want to tell you a little story I just got a call from a lady and she had gotten into breslav Torah which means she was very Pacific on dancing and a sham and I was all dancing and she felt that her husband who's very Hollow College esteem he goes to dive and he does what he needs to do but it's missing the simcha he's missing that the joy that she makes him crazy with you're missing the joy you must and he and and it's it's tearing them apart she says how can I make him feel the joy I want him to feel the same joy and I said how do you know he's not feeling that joy who says that the way you have chosen to be over - M is the only way meaning like this obviously if there are certain things that one one side the husband or wife tries to grow in and you know whether Jewish much about the kashrut you want your spouse to grow as well but we all grow in different things for this man challah ha was his way of serving a Shem and it wasn't the dancing of the singing and even worse the way that she would say to him he felt judged I want you to judge somebody and I'll tell you this for women especially when you judge men men don't like it because men have egos that sometimes go too far but it's true and we don't write a little out of hand men don't like to feel judged and scrutinized and you have to be very with a lot of karma to to get people to grow and if there are value then maybe what you're working on now is beautiful and it's working for you but maybe your man is growing in something different maybe it's getting more taka maybe he's been careful in the Shannara and you can help them grow you can model it but just be aware number one don't come off as judgmental because that's the surest way to make sure that they're not going to follow the the path that you are choosing and number two understand that if you married somebody who is a half decent person they're growing in their way and you have to value how they're growing not just the way that you feel you need to grow the real truth is my wife knows that it's important that when we see each other we're not catching and complaining oh so tired I see couples to do that all the time but they're there conversations aren't all about how tired they are you know at all not and I have what's hurting you and it's just someone healthy so if my wife knows I'll be home that night I'm back from the road she always makes sure to take a nap during the day have you take a nap during the day right there's usually some time the kids are asleep or they're there they're in school you take a nap you're a little bit refreshed some nights she's just exhausted and you know what I get it we have a lot of kids thank God though some are now married but my wife runs a very big big ship and big Shabbat sand law a lot going on so I don't expect my wife to be grinning smiling every time she sees me I don't expect that however there's a difference between not you're not smiling with that kind of open smile and acting like a grouch so you don't act like a grouch because you don't want your interaction with your spouse to be a negative one because negative interactions build up on other negative interactions and they create bad memories you want each interaction to be a positive one but if somebody is tired so my wife sees I'm tired all day long throws like a coffee was like a coffee and I always say yes because that's the halacha so I always say yes to coffee and when I see her I say we like a tea which like to lie down and we're always looking out for each other so doesn't have to be smiles all the time but there always has to be compassion I want to tell you something that is so beautiful to understand it's a Torah idea and it'll help you make Shabbat beautiful for your family and this is important because I've heard from kids who have gone off to Derick that they haven't kept Shabbat in months or years that they kalila hate Shabbat they hated growing up with Shabbat and how does one do it so we have inside of us a child and an adult it's a child and an adult and the adult enjoys certain things and the child enjoys certain things adults enjoy building things and adults enjoy working towards a cause adults also enjoy honor sort of dogs enjoy what our kids enjoy kids enjoy instant gratification and instant pleasure that's not bad that's what children do now you can't let a child only enjoy instant things because that'll eat candy and cake all day and every vegetables so you don't just allow kid dev instant gratification but we have inside of us a child and the child needs to be spoken to and we can connect the child's enjoyment to all midslope including Shabbat let me give you an example on our at our Shabaab table so I'm gonna take a lunch right before lunch every every Shabbat before lunch we have a gala kiddush in my house and we serve tequila not for the kids and we've got different kinds of cheesecake now we've got all sorts of other cake and we've got herring for those who are more Casa dish we have lots and lots of meats delicious wines and someone will say oh that's that's spirituals not Ruth mute that just gosh mute but you know what the child inside of us will connect gosh mute with relieved you know where we know this from it says there's some October together you should be happy with your cog and because I'll fellows in simcha Elba Buster Frye yayan how would you become a happy eating meat and drinking wine really that's that's real cute the answer is yeah if we make it fun for our children with the gosh mute like the rabbi was saying you have the sour sticks and you've got the cakes and you've got the treats so then they'll connect that in their minds to rock mute like Pavlov's dog like oh gosh Shabbos cereal Shabbos nosh on the streets Shabbos Shabbat it's beautiful it's wonderful I want to say one more thing and I'll finish with that that's just in general how to make Shabbat wonderful for your children don't ignore the treats don't ignore the guys from you the second thing I'll tell you is we have a custom in our own because we have so many people I want to make sure my kids don't lose out and I actually saw this by Rabbi Orla with my Horrell or do this and I we've been doing this and it's so wonderful which is at the end of every Shabbat meal I'll stay a few minutes with the guests and then I'll say to my guests goodbye you remember that right I said goodbye to all my guests and all the guests they were just there my house for Shabbat all the guests they stayed down or they shoes that we put out not and I take all the kids up to my bedroom every Friday night and they all sit on my bed and we tell stories and we're sitting sing songs and they make little plays and they jump up and down and hours hours until I like fall asleep in the middle and it's special time with the parents on Shabbat so no man I saw the rabbi or Allah would do this at the end of the meal he goes to the living room instead of taking out a homage or a safer he sits on the couch and the kids run around and do flips and tricks and they feel ah Shabbat is when I get my attention my parents are so busy all week so sweets during the actual meal of course the excitement as well very much it's got exciting and treats and you have to enjoy it and you can't fall asleep in the middle of the meal you always have to put in a hundred and ten percent of your heart into the Shabbat sometimes I see people doing kaduche [Music] say take it on kids you could sing it out let your voice out that people feel that you cannot feel that the Angels have come dance with them in the room treshelle on my life and like we do that we dance shall on my life and we dance in front of them let it be exciting like like well like it was said but also at the end of the meal at the end of the meal pick some time for your children if you have younger children don't be quick to go to sleep don't be quick to pick up a newspaper don't be quick just spend time with your kids they're gonna connect the head also cautions you do gone shall are them curious young self it is as hard for God this is heart fresh em to make us evoke like splitting the sea so I always used to think that's a strange comparison because when you make us evoke when you make a match you're putting two things together and when you do create a soup you're splitting two things apart so usually usually the Michelle Amanda Michelle they work the other it's it is hard to put two people together as it is to split the sea apart so it must be it's not referring to this she dude but it's referring to them neshama when it was up in Xiamen it was as hard to split up that one neshama and split them and make them they're two different lives with two different tough Kadeem that do not understand where they're supposed to be heading that's it's hard as it is to split the sea it's just hard to split one to Shama and of course splitting the sea wasn't there wasn't the only miracle but the miracle was after they left they got put back together and they midstream drowned and also putting the people back together so I'm just piggybacking what you said it the relationship was so tight it's hard to split I wonder Shama is it as to split the seat I don't have a lot to say about this because first of all I love my mother-in-law in case you're watching I do I mean okay I I will say I will say two quick things essentially to the mother-in-law's of the world we've already spoken for the sons if you are a mother-in-law back up back up please this is why you want your mother was watching this you the your job that our son gave you was to raise the child to Kupa the job now changed it's a different job it's not the same job and if we are doing what's supposed to make a sham happy what's making a sham happy now is to take a few steps back and let the couple experience life and mistakes on their own and yeah you know better but that's not your job and I got a very good you know both from my in-laws and my parents that as soon as the kids get married Knight mentioned I have a son getting married bizarre thought she'll next week and of course it's hard and he grew up and we're very close to him the moment they get married and even really engaged my wife and I take ten steps back and we give them all the space that they need and we never Carlito say well you've got to live in my neighborhood you got to live around the block you're too far away but they want to live in Australia like you've ever hooked this is them we enjoyed having our freedom and if we did and we do not enjoy not having our freedom and we give so this is for the mother in law's out there give your kids the space to grow as individuals human beings and for the children please be aware that there is such a thing called an unhealthy relationship and an unhealthy person you could have a healthy person that has an unhealthy relationship and you could have a person who the person themselves is unhealthy and we know as we've grown up and we understand that our parents are not perfect when we're young we think our parents are perfect we're all that we realize they're just they're like us they're human beings and they've struggled their struggles and some people even parents on are unhealthy people they're not healthy and what we need to do is we need to move away when we need to make sure that that unhealthiness does not smother what must become a healthy relationship between you and your spouse so don't be upset if a therapist or Rob says you know your parents they did a great job with you but they're not healthy people you need to step away you need to move away it's the best thing you could do then tomorrow here is that it says well in my second condition there are times they just have to move away and not be there and have the unhealthiness poison what needs to be healthier relationship when you got engaged when you got married you were attracted to that person it's not fair to let yourself go after marriage it's just not fair if you and that person were in love with each other with all the that entails it's not just physical attraction but physical attraction was one of the things and then now that you've bagged your man or now that you've gotten the lady you then let yourself go physically and now the person is quote-unquote stuck with you even though now look I did my best unfortunately I meet too many couples who have that attitude and it's not a healthy attitude whatever it is of course we you all grow old and we got wrinkly and we lose our hair but to the best of our ability to look so radically different than we did when we were married it's not fair to the person they thought they were marrying something and that it's evolved it's not I know you have to understand having children can change a person and so on work and change but to a degree okay I hope I'm out of place saying this but I know it's all in your minds you know something like what you got married to it shouldn't be unrecognizable two years later right knock on something something you know don't let yourselves go plus when you let yourself go usually it's less healthy not more healthy very very rarely as a person come more healthy when you let yourself go it means you're either putting on weight or you're beginning to not shower like or whatever it is I don't want to say but you have enough for you that's it's partial autumn I have zero that the person it's it's are you've to look a little something like we did for an extended period of time it shouldn't just okay now I'm married now I don't care anymore it's not nice as far as raising children since I just used it half my time with that I will tell you that the kazakh organization sponsored a shear that I gave a few years ago called the ten commandments of raising extraordinary children I believe that Torah any time said it is one of the most watch your room on Terra anytime I want to recommend if you're raising children instead of me giving over this year now you should watch at your the ten commandments of raising extraordinary children and especially the first about 20 minutes we speak about a concept called the showdown at the end of the day while in principle we can believe in a strong discipline at time the reality is that if we love our children and can show them love that a lot of the discipline goes out their window and what happens is and this is a problem especially with men not so much with women men we forget that we can physically show love to our kids by hugging and kissing not just when they're babies but when they're seven and eight and nine and ten and there comes a time you should know that your kids feel like they're teenagers and then they pull back or they don't want to be hugged don't let them get away with that keep on rocking them and they stop I don't know I'm I'm the Abba of the email I need to argue you may feel like it's whatever like you're too grown-up you're never too grown-up for my hugs and kisses and if you show them that love they'll break down they'll feel that connection and possession not gonna have to resort to any kind of violence [Music] you [Applause]