Marriage & Polarity - Rabbi Yaakov Altman

[Music] okay today we're gonna speak about incredibly important topic this is probably one of the most important topics you can possibly imagine okay the topic is marriage extremely important today the state of marriage is not too good okay this union is really not as a good situation I would like to give you a few basic keys to make marriage much much much better okay this is just something obviously there's a lot to talk about in marriage but this is a very good start now if you first of all the following the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships the quality of your life - the quality relationships if things are good with your intimate relationship which was your husband with your spouse then things are great if things are not good with him even everything else is terrible even if anything else is good I would say right then it life's not good right if everything's wonderful except with him life is not good if everything is terrible god forbid but with him things are good you can deal with anything very very straight forward it's extremely important and you know today the problem is that people are our marriage is basically breaking apart okay now I want to give you a few fundamental ideas let's start with the following there is a concept in there's a concept which is very important it's hard for us to understand because we are already speaking English when you speak English the word that's very similar to the real concept confuses you so for example if you tell somebody you can't do work on Shabbos right say okay we can't do work on Shabbos that's not true you know how to do with something called melaka melaka is something that you know I was doing javis melaka right but work is different than melaka they translate melaka as work but it's not really the same thing so on Shabbos you're allowed for example technically speaking to take your couch and put your couch on your back and walk up and down the stairs a thousand times in your house and you haven't been makalah Shabbos you haven't broken Chaves right but if you take a feather and you walk out the front door of your house in a lot of situations you will be Macaulay it's called breaking shadow it's nothing to do with the work as to them go along if you tell somebody can't do Malacca they'll listen to you it definitely can't do work Irene no work is and that's not work they're not open to the idea marriage in Western in the Western world is not what marriage really is I used to say that the Western world's definition of marriage is then the tow the tourist definition of were of marriage my wife correctly pointed me out pointed out she corrected me and she said it's not really true their definition of marriage is actually anti-human forget about anti-thyroid it's anti-human I'll tell you why because what marriage really is and this is I'll show you where it comes from the turret the what marriage really is is a is is the completion of a human being there is no word in the Taira for human for person there's no word they say the word in modern hebrew is called the in rate which is different than washing the clay dish which is the the biblical hebrew it's different there's no word in biblical hebrew for a person been adam is modern hebrew Benidorm means person the word Benedum is a phrase that means in the tire and in the biblical language it means a human as opposed to an angel but it doesn't mean an individual person is the word for person the word that's used for person is Adam Aleph valid ma'am Adam yeah now this word Adam if you if you look at it in the Commission the thyroids when this word is used it says a sham called their name Adam Adam and Eve together were called Adam a human determine describes a husband wife a husband is a half a human a wife is a half a human the first blessing they make under the köppen is a marriage they make all kinds of blessings besides we make great priya gulf and a blessing over the wine but the first blessing has to do with marriage directly as to a specific marriage is Yotes Erhard on the formation of an autumn the formation of a human being are you and being in according to the definition the Taira is man and wife together husband and wife husband and wife man will meet together as an wife that makes human being otherwise wife by herself cause my himself separately half human beings are you in this together now very very important now of course they're not the same right they have to be there has to be something like you know they say opposites attract it's not ops they have to be complimentary and yeah the word that's used is polarity there has to be so far which is masculine and and the cable which is feminine if there's masculine and feminine then there can be attraction everything's falling you take two magnets and there's positive positive negative negative you put them together they'll repel you have to have very similar but complementary positive to negative and negative the positive electricity the same thing in the wall electricity is it's a positive flow there's a negative flow you have to have it yes you're half you're preparing yourself to get married yes that's right half human getting getting ready and even if you have a great person a tremendous person she's who knows how great she is and she's married for a long time then her husband dies she returns to the status of half human it doesn't mean she's in the human I mean they said the words in English are they they sound a terrible way doesn't mean the same thing season half human of course not having he's not a mutant you know that doesn't mean that but it means that every person the completion of you and being is husband wife so let's back up okay now the relationship between husband and wife very very important this is critically important okay I just I am very used to using certain terms so I'm gonna just translate them now because I'm gonna probably keep using the term throughout the rest of this class so I'll just say witness yeah the term for a for a bride is Okawa the kala is the bride yeah the term for the groom is the katana the closet yeah sorry my Eskenazi pronunciation yeah the the cousin so there's a Costin and the kawah the costume is the is the groom and the collar is the bride now in a relationship between husband and wife in order for there to be success there has to be always coming back to hustling and Kawa bride a groom and bride has to come back to the relationship there's other flavors of that relationship there's other flavors that the relationship goes through other modes that the marriage goes through but I have to keep coming back to cost in the columns let's do this right you have for anything less Ray Hassan or that time right and you have kala Kyla's okay now that's the core sometimes the relationship is not in that mode sometimes the relationship is temporarily in a mode of brother and sister what does that mean you see this relationship of Catan Mikayla of Kostas and kala is polarity there has to be some kind of electricity there yeah everybody knows gonna talk about like the the Husson loves the cow the cow loves the Clausen there's that like that that the honeymoon period yeah now sometimes it happens that the Causton is not in that mode and the cow is not in that mode she's he's feeling like a brother and she's feeling a sister that's okay it's normal it happens now on that diesel to each other in a real the--we it can happen before it can well let's say when they're married already now that the matter they're already married right even when they're married it can happen that way it means that the difference between this relationship and this one is the following this one the Causton loves his Karla and what he really wants this is this really important idea what the man wants more than anything else and what the woman wants more than anything else are different if you want to be happy you have to know what does your husband really want as a constant as a as you as a husband and what is the cow what do you really want as a car as a bride as the wife okay you of course you want things but this is fundamentally built into what is a man and what is a woman it's assuming there are differences definitely still major differences okay now what he wants the most is let's start with you what do you want the most now again I'm speaking in very general terms this is female energy what female energy wants the most is they want to be understood and loved understood like fully he gets me he gets me he knows me and he loves me who I am he loves me as I am he loves me totally understands me totally loves me yeah that's what she wants he doesn't want that he of course he wants to be loved and understood but that is not his main desire what he wants is he wants to he wants to reach his wife he wants to give her happiness make her feel good so they said that she responds to him even now it's even more than respect he wants respect but in the core the emotional thing that he really wants more than respect is he wants to be able to reach you that he loves you makes you happy and you respond to him he sees that he can make you happy he sees he can take care of you if he's if he tries to reach you and he doesn't and he doesn't that hurts him yeah if you feel like you want him to see you and to understand you and he doesn't see you or he doesn't understand you it hurts you that's what you want you want to be loved and understood yeah good now the difference between these two relationships is the following the Costin wants to reach the kawah he gives to her and he wants to return a way that she then responds back to him yeah he's giving so that making her happy giving her love and seeing her understanding her and the way that she's gonna respond oh yeah I see what I'm reaching her that's what he wants yeah this relationship between brother and sister is different they can both give to each other but there is no need desire or nor should it be for either one to affect each other that's trying to factor the sisters giving to her brother because he needs something I'll help him out give him a ride or give some food or hub mat right same when the probably helps sister there's plenty of love there that but there's no polarity it's not positive it's not obviously shouldn't it shouldn't be right obviously right it's there's no chemistry there so there's tons of love without chemistry sometimes the relationship shifts from Causton and kala temporarily to being tons of love no polarity there's no passion there's no chemistry there that's okay as long as it doesn't stay there okay we want to talk about this now there are two other ways that you can also get out of polarity the very important out of that causing kala relationship sometimes it happens that you're feeling small scared nervous overwhelmed yeah bingo you're feeling very small you feel like a little girl-daughter father now this is a little strange right the father loves his daughter he gives her what she needs much more active than brother and sister but again the same thing he's not it's unconditional love he doesn't expect to receive anything back from his daughter he's giving his daughter because he wants to give her what she needs but she doesn't have to respond to him so sometimes it happens that the wife is feeling scared overwhelmed nervous whatever and he is taking care of her that's totally normal works the other way also you can see the second right what's the other way too right but we would get that I'll give an example right after she gives birth she's in a motherly mode to the baby right but he's very much taking care of her he's just giving whatever you need I'm here to give to you like I'm not expecting anything back from you I'm just trying to give to you whatever you need that's a fatherly type of love in a certain sense it's like father and daughter a certain sense okay now the same thing works on the other side right it happens sometimes that he is feeling small and not enough he's feeling scared overwhelmed and nervous and who knows whatever like a little boy so now he is like the little boy like the son and she's like the mother and she's giving unconditionally to him now again she's giving to him without any expectation whatsoever of receiving back that makes sense [Music] sure in the same way that he did a little guitar is not capable right she's not expected and that's and she's not expecting it either because that's not the purpose I'm not expecting my son to you know to give me this and this my daughter to give me this and this I'm expecting that's what she needs that's what he needs I give them what they need that's a parent a parent to love is unconditional without the expectations returned now let's back up a little bit let's go back to class on the cowl I'm gonna give you a scenario this is amazing this happens all the time when you first get married when you first get engaged everything is wonderful right you first get married everything's wonderful there's that honeymoon period everything's like up there up there up there up there right and then things drop off a little bit okay now one thing you strap off this that's a big test that's when it gets real that's when you have to really start to think okay how many make this marriage work in a real good way that's when you're building it's not just a freebie from from on high I'm saying now you start building your marriage now listen to this here's a scenario you're sitting in your house you're married like two or three months the honeymoon just stopped yeah whatever that is three months six months whatever that's right and now you say to me you're reading everything's fine he decides he wants to reach you he's gonna reach who's gonna want to interact with you so he makes an attempt to reach you but it's a stupid attempt yeah which happens all the time what I'm talking is so important the stupid at them yeah so let's say I'm now I'm gonna I'm exaggerating because I just want to make it nice and clear right I'm totally exaggerated he's not gonna be it's not gonna be this stupid right he goes up to you and says hi now you probably laugh rightly but let's say he let's say he's actually serious which he won't be of course right but let's say he does that like hi there yeah now in the honeymoon period his father was totally fine and it reached like of course he's not doing that would be get the ideas he reaches you right now he says hello when you're like Hello you're open you're everything's fine yeah so he says wait a second what I did before we used to reach her now it's not reaching her something's wrong so he feels hit he feels attacked now you're not attacking him he says hello and you say hello what kind of attack is that right this is my what are you talking about right I'm telling you it's almost universal it's almost universal listen to this right up till this point when he said hello to you you responded now you're not responding something must be wrong no nothing's wrong the honeymoons over now it's back to normal reality that's okay nothing wrong at all totally normal listen to this when a he doesn't just feel like you're hitting him a little bit he feels like you hit him inside his heart what he says hello I say hello I hit him in his heart what are you talking about listen to this amazing up till now anytime somebody hits somebody hits your husband it's from the outside he gets hit on the outside order his options when someone hits him okay you can push it off ignore it what else good someone hits him in a real way so it comes up use a punch what are his options fight back or yeah defend or the Fed means what was usually to fight instead of fighting back run away fight or flight right run away yeah either hit back or run away that's the options usually now he thinks you're hitting him now his natural reaction is going to be to either fight back or run away he's either gonna get a little bit hostile look what's the matter what's going on like how come you not you know what's why he's so grumpy or he's gonna be all you said was hello yeah you said oh he said hello he said that's all what is going on right or he's gonna withdraw emotionally he may he may physically just disappear for an hour or so you'll see him two hours later or like where was it what happened yeah I said Aloha says hello it's over right what's going on right or emotionally he withdraws now why well what's going on here uh-huh you see why this is important by the way you all like a little bit nervous you should be it's good it's good to be little bit nervous about this beforehand so you can all what's gonna happen right now I'll talk about a good guy you're married to a good guy he's a wonderful husband he's sensitive he's caring he loves you cares about you all of a sudden like what's going on and he doesn't know what's going on either that's why someone's gotta be more intelligent around here yeah and it's gonna be you now this is an amazing thing up till now when someone hits him it's always on the outside this hit is on the inside of his heart I want to want someplace a big was a big simple and they had like foot-high speakers and the playing music very loud we were all dancing right so you can the music was so strong the bass was so strong you could feel the blood in your heart vibrating to the beat of the music now that was like get out of here yeah when your heart wants the beat and it's beating it to a different beat that's the scary feeling yeah it's really intense why is that so because you become one person when you get married you're emotionally connected now you're literally inside his heart now he doesn't realize that yeah yeah well one person would get married you become one like it's actually true yo ter how are than the formation of you and being becomes TV can you become one person you're emotionally connected now so the first time in his life and not only that he wants you to be happy and he's kind of responsible for that a little bit right he wants to read you what he's not being able to reach you so now he feels like someone hit him in the heart now listen to this you have a big advantage over your husband imagine this he is you are six or seven years old and you have a best friend and you do everything together and then one day you come to school you want to tell her this you want to tell her that and all of a sudden she says to you we're not friends anymore how do you feel hurt rejected does it matter if you sad ask a boy 6 7 8 10 12 14 he's got a best friend his best friend says we're not friends anymore you know what he's gonna say ok can you back my trucks in my cars and I'll be friends with him they don't it's like no they're not I'm not saying that all boys are like this and that thank Olga but generally speaking the relationships that boys have are not inside their hearts girls are not like that again generally some girls are like I'm saying generally speaking I'm speaking very very general terms okay this is the the core feminine or masculine energy okay there are master there are men that are very feminine there are women that are very that are very masculine I'm saying generally speaking that at the general default that's where you start okay of course this not like this for everybody now so this is really interesting now he doesn't have any bet he's never had a hit inside of his heart until now when he's married you started when you're five six seven years old anytime you got a hit inside of your heart because you got some emotional hit like that you had pain and you learned how to deal with it you got stronger you had practice he has zero practice in this area how you tell me wait a second you never cries he never know of course he has emotions but not never inside the heart and not a relationship you see boys what they have is they have bonding boys bond bonding is you you do physical activities together in proximity you spend time doing things together what women do from a young age is they have emotional intimacy now one definition of emotional intimacy is you're mutually vulnerable mutual vulnerability is emotional intimacy you're both open you know exactly I'm talking about guys talking about it like [Music] you know a good friend it's not just like Aquinas's they care about each other they can carry back to the lovebirds on the outside you can get hurt because your best friend is so many years and that friends do anymore definitely can't happen but it's not the same way as what as what happens with women not the same thing and that on the inside I'll give an example my wife says to me please call up the next-door neighbor ask her if she has a pair of scissors scissors call her up you have scissors yes no bye thank you right nine seconds eight seconds off the phone I asked her why don't you call 15-minute conversation why because when she gets on the phone my wife's interested in her in the next-door neighbor's emotional situation what's going on with you has your daughter fell down last week and her toe how's your toe doing like you know you know you have the upcoming wedding you worried about money yeah how's that squeaky window whatever it is is something like you know my wife feels the readout women feel each other guys they don't feel each other's reality they can it's very difficult we have to learn how to do that but it's not natural women naturally feel each other again I'm speaking in very general terms okay there are women not like this there are men that are yes like this as they say but that's the general idea now you get married you share the emotion you're inside his heart now and the first time he gets this hit on the inside he's never felt anything like this in his life he's now more in danger it's the worst hit he's ever had again all you said was hello he said hello you said hello that's it right it's like why is he was funny so he tends to overreact in the eyes of the wife it's like what's the matter what's wrong with you right because he's surprised himself or he withdraws what would you like him to do instead withdrawing or being hostile talk about it please let's talk about it tell me your emotions now here's another scenario I wanted a picture this is why it doesn't work for him so easily he's seven eight years old he's in school and a boy two or three years older than him comes up and starts pushes him and says give me your money so I was bullying him again his choice is our fight-or-flight fight back a run away should he say aye I just want to tell you that I'm feeling really scared and overwhelmed right now should he do that it should not share his feelings because what happens if he does that perceive this week and it's gonna get much worse than it is he's a really good to be on the floor without any money he's finished yeah so a man is taught generally speaking that execution is everything getting the job done I don't care about you Felix friend of mine just told me recently was reading something about the Navy SEALs a Navy SEAL was having a hard time they're like you know this he's doing push-ups he just couldn't do more he's exhausted what he's doing right to him watch as he can they're kicking sand in his face come on do it do it he's like I'm trying it says try this is this world we don't care if I try you don't try to protect you from your your fellow soldiers in the battle you don't try to blow in that blow out that door you don't try to shoot straight you do where you don't yeah in that world that's what you have to do was execution it's not intentions in marriage it's not like that but he doesn't realize that takes him a while to realize that so he'd like to share his feelings but it's hard for him to do it because in most cases when he's vulnerable in shares his feelings it makes him more weak as you said right in this case of marriage it actually makes him stronger but he doesn't realize that but that's the boys class not the girl's class now what will be your reaction if you don't know all this stuff he says hi you say hi all of a sudden he's hostile was withdrawing what would be your reaction you can't ask that what would you naturally do if you don't think about it get upset he's being a little math to me I'll be a little nasty back right if you do that to him it tends to escalate that's not good right what else would you do in case if you wouldn't be nasty what else would you do if he gets a little bit nasty would you do yeah okay that could be that's yeah that's what is probably could be communication what's a negative thing that you could do it's really not the best thing instead of being hostile what besides half there what else would you do pass it could be withdraw when you get hurt you put yourself out there and like you get hurt then like now I'm not saying you're scared it could be do what with like could be like this can be power also but you tend to with pull away from what things that hurt you something hurts you move back from yeah so this is very important if you do either one of those it makes it worse I'll tell you why if you get hostile he gets hostile gets worse the worst big argument you don't want that right that's obvious if you withdraw let's talk about this you're on this level everything's fine it's ground level and he's on this level he's trying to reach you and he comes up with some poor attempt to reach you he picks two dandelions off the front lawn he says here I got this for you like huh you're not reaching me emotionally right if he says it nice get down on one knee said I wish I could ask you to marry me again and like I do the most that's a different thing but he doesn't reach you like that he reaches you in Detroit doesn't reach you at all he falls short of where he's gotta be right and then you withdraw you go further up the mountain now the next time when he calms down he's tried to reach you again he tries better instead of trying down here tries up here but now you're further up now it's harder for him to reach you it's harder for him to reach you so if you can avoid either one of those reactions you're much better off so what you do is you have to understand he's not being bad he's not being mean he's just being an underdeveloped boy that's okay it's okay I hate when they explain it doesn't justify it I'm not justifying it doesn't justify it but what you what you're doing is you're assuming good intentions and you're swimming ignorance that's different then he knows better he's still doing it the first time he's getting a hit on the outside it's hard for him gets a hit on the outside a big hit very hard fight or flight fight or flight he's trained for that and now all of a sudden getting hit on the inside really fight and really run away like he doesn't know what to do talking is not an option of course it is but most guys are not emotionally developed enough to be able to talk about it it takes you they will get that way best as a sham God willing to help they'll get there you have to have patience they'll get there but literally speaking since you practiced since the age of six or seven and now you're 20 you've had 14 years to practice Plus yeah and he's had literally two weeks two months or two days or two hours to practice he's never had this before he does know what it is of course he cares about his sisters in his mother he cares what his brothers in his father kids but everything is for not the same way not on the inside if the patients with him oh he's just being a boy it's okay it's not gonna stay there I can't stay there now there's another way you keep this these things you can do instead of staying you try to stay open it's gonna get better okay there's no what he's doing assume good intentions he doesn't know he just he's ignorant doesn't know right try not to withdraw what's the worst thing that happens what's the worst thing he'll figure it out he'll apologize you know you feel to just get married so like things are pretty goodness got one right yeah now you can sometimes give him a freebie you can act like he can't do this all the time but now and then you can throw him a bone yeah boy yeah yeah it's all about sound like okay you can act like he reached you even though he didn't reach you you can't do it all the time it's not fair to you it's not fair to him but now and then you can do it I'll tell you why if you try with your girlfriend's to fake your emotions they can usually tell your husband I don't know about that yeah at least at the beginning he won't be able to tell if you're faking your emotions so if you act all excited good chance he won't actually be able to figure it out he can't fool you but you can fool him at the beginning yeah so you can throw him a freebie now on that yeah oh I'm so high yeah you give a nice high wait everybody's exaggerating for us you get the idea now why would you want to do that because sometimes if you do that he feels stronger now and he actually will reach you he actually will reach you if you do that sometimes you can't do it all the time it's not fair it's not fair to you it's not fair to him but now they can do it the other thing you could do it this is very important is look at this remember we said before that the sometimes he's feeling like a little boy right so you're like his mother and you're like the son I'm say the way you like his mother he's like the son yeah so you're giving to him in an unconditional loving way there's no polarity there there's no attraction there obviously just you just give me them cuz you feel small this is an amazing thing I'm gonna tell you now there are two big fears that everyone asks everyone has a deepest fear that people have the first fear is that I'm not enough I'm not enough no matter what I'm not smart enough I'm not pretty enough I'm not intelligent enough not friendly enough I'm not you know good enough I don't work hard enough and I've enough resource and I've written out whatever you maranatha yeah very very common if he's out there in the world which everyone has really is this to feel like from his boss from his friends from his from the environment that he's not enough he's not thought it's not cutting him right that puts him at the little boy mode if he's not careful calms Alma's little boy now if you're willing and he's willing which is a much bigger idea which is much bigger novelty than you being willing if he's willing to receive motherly love from you you nurture him at that moment it heals him and it can switch him from being the son the little boy back to being the cost of Binger your man again it can happen in seconds in seconds it can happen yeah I'll give you a very personal example I was gonna kill me it's on video you know yeah very personal example I was supposed to take my wife out for dinner it's happened a few years ago I was feeling very much not enough in all kinds of ways I was feeling physically down I was alone to the web there and that was all kinds of all kinds of issues going on at one time right so I sought to take her out for dinner great we're all excited by going and I was clearly in little boy mode she could tell and I knew it I was trying to do everything I can it was clearly not going right so at a certain point no it was it's not it's not really you can go out with your little boy if you want to take him out for ice cream but it's not the same thing as your husband taking you out to dinner it's not the same thing right so she says to me in a certain point very wise words she said to me what would you like me to say or do right now she said to me to me now like you know what was it that was a good question someone's getting more intelligent around here my wife is certainly being the more intelligent mature one it's not the first time will be the last time right anyway so she said so I thought that's a good question that already made me feel a little more comfortable right yeah so I said that I'd like you to say this totally embarrass I'm gonna tell you anyway like you say it's okay it's okay that is total little boy mommy mode yeah now I thought to myself how effective could it be I'm feeding her the lines to tell me how effective good at bay it's not gonna work but she said it in a real way she said it with LAIV with heart it's okay okay which basically means like I love you anyway rather even if you act like a little boy it's all good that's motherly love right as soon as she said that and she meant it instantly back in Philly flipped back to be Mikasa instantly easily I couldn't believe it I couldn't believe it yeah because here's a great phrase not my phrase I didn't make this up yeah he'll the boy and the man will appear that's a hundred central if you heal the boy quickly the man appears one of these days if I have a chance to write a book one of my books is gonna be the millimeter war the millimeter war very often you're in a situation where you think the situation is impossible I tried this I tried that I tried everything I spoke to people different approaches different angles nothing's working it's a black wall of barrier that I can't get through it's over I failed no no sometimes a little millimeter change can totally flip the situation on its head a small difference when it comes to marriage that's exactly what it is because we're talking about emotional states you can quickly switch from being the the boy to be in the class and the same thing works with you sometimes you're feeling scared you're a little girl you feeling a little like a daughter and he's probably to you he can heal the girl and the woman will appear same exact thing yes the first fear is I'm not enough the second fear is because I'm not enough I won't get love that's exactly the story I told you is my wife I felt like I wasn't enough I'm not gonna get love I wasn't getting loved because I wasn't acting like the Causton obviously right it wasn't that was giving put you know but I don't want I don't want to be married to my mommy only married to my wife right she said it's okay which means you're enough I felt like it was enough boom the other fear disappears it's amazing you both have to be willing to do that we have to don't be afraid of it now I would make a little bit of a suggestion I know this true seems to me seems to me this is the case even the strongest warriors out there need their wives to sometimes be motherly I remember seeing some recent clip of a Superman movie yeah where Superman kills the bad guy but he didn't want to kill the bad guy we just want to put the bad guy else didn't want to kill him but yeah I eventually don't realize if I don't kill the bad guy he's gonna kill her people so he kills the bad guy and then Superman big strong tube man falls down to his knees exhausted and emotionally exhausted obviously right and Lois Lane comes out and gives him a hug yeah Superman has knees Lois Lane is taller than him even though he's pretty big tall guy so that's a motherly that's a motherly thing she's giving a motherly hug yeah Superman is a manly man if he's not nobody is right he's a manly man but even a manly man now and that needs a little bit of nurturing from his wife it's totally normal and the truth is listen to this this is the other big thing I want to tell you this class this was very very important yeah one the Taira describes the reason that God separated the original human the original human was man and wife together and he separated them why do you make a separation so tired ascribes because if you separate them the woman can be an AZ connect they either connect oh that's right that word anything isn't easy you know what connect goes into something but our connective should be a nazar for him connect that just means absent the word days there the word a sir is incorrectly translated into English all the time it's incorrectly translated you speaking Hebrew a little bit yeah what is what a xemina help so a nazar is a helper this is not what it means is wrong this I was translated it's wrong yeah let's see how this amazing powerful woman that helped the whole Jewish people in all kinds of things and changed the world right and when she dies people were speaking about her she was amazing like this would you say she was a really big helper yeah like do they me want to be a hat when I grow up want to be a big helper does it excite you that term that's power yeah it's not what it means the word azer comes from the word oohs this word oohs means power it means power she's his power source fill up the room of a thousand men ask them I'm gonna ask you a question I want you to blurt out the answer all at once with that I just blurt out things the first thing comes do you mind yeah how do you feel when your wife's not happy with you and what's this garbage they all say the same thing they offer like garbage dead inside absolute garbage why it's not happy to me yeah garbage let's make them it's what's going on the rest it could be the wealthiest most successful giving loving caring people that husband-wife not good yeah she's the energy source she's the heart and lungs she gives us power that's not a small thing he has no power otherwise no power he's he's empty outside now you could say there are people that accomplish a lot in the world without without relationships right imagine what they would accomplish if they had actual good relationship you have no idea they're literally shadows of themselves so it's not a strange thing that he's in the situation where where she's nurturing him sometimes it's a strange thing you just have to look at his not strange thing and they say it's not strange because it can flip in a second the same way you're not around someone she's feeling small and he's nurturing her totally fine and then she'll switch back now one last thing very important sometimes it happens that there's a problem here there's no polarity not because he's doing something wrong because she's in a different mode she's in a masculine mode now when I say masculine feminine I'm not talking about duty as women and men I'm talk about a general mode to be in I'm speaking in very general terms yeah a general term of masculine is a masculine is someone like is it it's explosive and new ideas again this could be a women can do this also it's a masculine idea explosive and new ideas but can't carry it out yeah when it comes to having a child the man is the initial start but the woman takes that and builds it into a baby yeah he's the initial inspiration and he's like all kinds of possibilities a man could have many children yeah a woman takes one child child nine months there she has a baby now in order for there to be proper polarity he's got to be in masculine modus she's got me in feminine mode if he's feeling masculine and she's feeling masculine there'll be no polarity she's feeling feminine right there can be polarity if he's feeling feminine and she's feeling masculine that can have it can't happen it's usually against the grain of what a man is what a woman is but can happen it can be that way yeah it can't be but it's that usually the default mode now with let's say he's feeling very masculine she's why should she feel masculine maybe she's got a business she's the head she's the CEO of a company she's making things happen blahblah right or she's running a school or whatever she's running her own house she's like okay you do this sit down over here bleona thank God we have 11 children - IO 11 kids yeah my wife is warned in that house like a ship has to be that way yeah the 21 year old 21 year old the house that yesterday and the four month old in the house yes it's a lot of action going on and everybody in between all the personalities all things going on right so they do this they'll uh you know she's that's it but that's a masculine mode you could say it's a feminine mode also it's a feminine if the masculine within the feminine of like being a mother okay it is but it's a certain aspect of like the mover in the shaker it's not a receiver Makeba takes the idea and builds into something yeah so if she's in a masculine mode even if he's being the perfect husband she won't receive it that way or if she's totally open and loving and well in perfect college she's the feminine and he's also feeling feminine cuz he got it over the head the whole day from the boss and who knows where else so it's not gonna be polarity so if you want to be successful marriage you have to learn as a wife how to make yourself feminine and he's gotta learn as a husband how to make himself masculine for a man it could be a number of things depends on him his personality what he's like someone's into exercise Symes it's business time someone was mowing along whatever it says it's learning or diverting or whoever it was something whatever he's doing could be painting fixing up that whatever he wants yeah a woman I asked my wife has one make herself feel feminine she said I'll tell you the classic things everybody knows this right I have no sisters I'm learning this now Yeah right personal care including bathing like shopping for yourself oh let's depe stuff right could be it's eating candles again I tell you very classic things everyone's different of course I'm just giving you like the basic idea right right okay so you have certain women and naturally more masculine I've noticed in my experience my limited experience there's someone I know very well actually is an old student of mine that got married about a year or so ago and he's a very feminine guy and he married a masculine woman and that's fine works great yeah or if you're a fit if a woman is very masculine she needs that a super masculine man and that will flipper into into feminine she could be she could be herself she could definitely be herself and be a but there are there even biologically speaking the very fact that they are that like she's a woman and she's gonna eventually have a baby that is a very feminine type of thing obviously right by definition is feminine right it's a you know so she can't and there's definitely mold she's gonna be by definition she's gonna be feminine so that means by definition he needs to be masculine it has to be able to flip it's possible to have the other way around sure it certainly is possible it could be it doesn't have to be it doesn't have to be could be if the ASL works for that particular couple what's fantastic can be yeah there's nothing essential about has to be there otherwise just that's usually what happens yeah I'm Sam okay the more talked about will stop question no okay all the best you