Marital Harmony: It's Just the Way He Is - Rabbi Neriya Aminov

[Music] [Applause] [Music] so today i wanted to talk a little bit about the differences between men and women and if we get to understand the differences between men and women i think it'll help us solve probably 75 percent of our marriage problems probably 75 in other words if you understand each other many times many times the reason for why people have do you ever think about it how many partnerships does men usually go through in his lifetime men i'm saying in business how many partnerships last how many men have partnerships that last every man has a partnership for a couple years and then it falls apart right very rare very rare for a man to have a partnership for life with a businessman very rare thing but for women for some reason partnership is much easier women are able to have lifelong friends much much easier than men men sometimes in their life that separate from their friends the men and women are built very very differently i think if we get on you know they say they made a study about children actually truth is even in my block i live right by baitiacom on my block i see girls coming out from the school all the time when you notice girls walking out of school every girl is talking to another girl there's almost never ever a girl walking by herself when you see boys running out of tiffare's motion every boy is running on his own while pushing shoving running jumping up and down there's no there's no like bonding time walking and talking all day you are in school in classroom you don't want to talk to your friends a few minutes older you try to talk in class how come you don't want to talk so men's personality and hold their whole being is different than women and if we get to understand that i think we'll be able to solve a lot of the problems i'll bet you anything if i'll ask you guys why do you think women talk so much the gemara says there are ten um ten portions of speech was given to the world right ten portions of speech was given into the world nine of them was taken by women now why is it that women feel the need to talk so much why is it that men don't want to talk so much i think if we understand the difference and the makeup the buildup of a man and the buildup and the makeup of a woman it'll be much easier for men and for women to be able to to connect with each other now i have some bad news for the men over here the way god created men is not so good for marriage men were not really created for marriage as i said how many partnerships does a man go through in life in business friends very difficult for a man to be committed to a relationship so men has a certain shortcoming a certain disability in marriage that women don't have women have i think like 110 of what they need for marriage and therefore they butt heads with their husbands trying to make marriage work and it's not just not working they're not understanding what's going on over here if i'll ask you why do you think women need to talk so much you said because they're emotional they talk that's what people think but it's not true the maraudi prague explains that god could have gave the torah to the jewish people without talking he could have gave all the torah to moshe benu and moshe urbain would have gone down to the jewish people would have taught them the torah and finished why did god choose to speak with the jewish people why did god speak why does god say i need to talk to the jewish people why the maraud says because which means speaking means connecting the way you connect another human being is through your mouth through speaking the most powerful connection to your children is if you talk to them your daughter is going to get to be the age of 15 16 she's gonna lock herself in her room and be on her phone all day talking and connecting to her friends but not having time and energy and patience for you if you don't train her from the age of three if you don't train her to have a conversation with you on a daily basis for 15 to 20 minutes when she gets to be 15 60 years old she doesn't want to look at you she's not going to she's not going to have patience for you many girls want to talk to parents when the parents call themselves they can okay i heard you're okay fine i'll do it take care of it because it's very very important to connect your children to connect your spouse to speaking now in the western civilization and the different parts of the world they have different understandings of a woman's job in a relationship and a woman's job in the world if you go if you travel in the world you see women in different countries do different things in some countries women are not allowed to do anything and some countries they even paving the roads you know some countries that the big ceos are big massive companies so i looked into the torah as much as i can based on my ability and i didn't find anywhere in the torah that says that women are not capable to do everything and anything that men do women have the same capabilities in some ways in some areas in higher capabilities than men for some reason don't for some reason we're having a problem of taking the capabilities and the strengths of women and the capabilities and strength of men and making it make a relationship work for some reason it's very hard for us i think the main reason is is because we don't understand each other most of the time when a woman talks if you ask her what you do today she starts talking things are out of order sometimes she starts telling about all the problems which she can't do anything about and you're thinking to yourself why tell me all this it's over there's nothing i can do about it and when you give her advice she doesn't want to take it she tells you i have a headache you tell her to take time and all she's thinking this guy's as an evil man i know i could take time i don't know there's a lot of misunderstanding miscommunication between men and women it's just because i think we don't understand the need of each other we understand the needs we understand where each other are coming from as i said the main reason why women need to speak because women were created to build a relationship men were created to be left alone if you think about it i think i spoke about it in the past you guys when you ask a woman where are you going after work what does she say i'm going to my home what does she mean when she says i'm going home i'm going to my other responsibilities i have four more jobs to take care of at home when you ask men and you ask them where you're going after work because i'm going home and if you ask him why are you going home i'm going to rest we want to have dinner spend some time with the kids the rest relax a little bit why why is that a woman understands her purpose in life is to create a family to create a bond to create a relationship she knows that her responsibilities don't end with her job it only begins with her four other jobs at home men says my responsibility is to bring parnassa i'm not here about building a relationship that's not his goal it's not his purpose it's not what is his mind in his head and therefore he says i'm going home to rest so now we have two people going home for two opposite reasons it's going to create a problem she asks him to do things and he says uh i had a long day i'm so tired she asks him 10 times until he finally does something and he says i did it for you honey i do i took out the laundry from the dryer for you it goes she goes to the laundry and she checks and she sees all the shirts and all the socks and all his clothes and he did it for her and she gets very very mad very upset what do you mean for me we have children who have a family we are we're together he doesn't understand where she's coming from why she upset i'm volunteering over here he doesn't get it i came home to rest i didn't come home to uh to take another responsibility another job and she's saying i came home to build a family to build a relationship that's where i'm starting so she doesn't understand where he's coming from and he doesn't understand where she's coming from now all this stuff is happening in our subconscious we don't even realize it's happening all this stuff is happening while many other things are going in our minds you know what's the reason that that a woman needs to share with it's very interesting they made a study trying to understand the brain of a woman and they realized that women share everything with their husbands they talk about their whole day and they bring up information that our husbands are totally not interested in and they're trying to understand you know why is it that women do that and figured out that a woman needs to be connected to her husband and the way to connect her husband is to imagine as if he was with her all day as if he as it says if he experienced what she experienced so she starts telling him how she parked the quarter didn't work she went to the bank this didn't happen that didn't happen and all he did is he asked her about her job and she started telling the whole background of the whole history of from since the united states of america was was born he doesn't understand what's going on so the answer is women share whatever is in their minds in order to make it that her husband is with her in her life she wants a man by the way he goes through the whole stuff that the woman goes through so all the things that she wants to talk about he doesn't want to talk about so he buries it in his mind it's not important so when he comes to his wife his wife says honey you don't talk to me anymore she goes what do you mean i asked you how was your work how's the kids the bills taking care of that this that's what you call talking that's what you have to do in order to make the house run what about talking you know woman comes to her husband goes honey want to sit down talk a few minutes so he was like oh my god he was like talk she was like she doesn't feel comfortable talking anymore talk okay talk go ahead talk it's a whole it's a whole dif it's like it's like a it's a so what am i trying to say what am i trying to say the way to resolve this problem is for a woman to understand that a man was just created messed up a woman has to understand a man was not created for relationship what was he created for then that's a good point it's a good question we have to figure that out we have to figure that we have to figure that out but it's a good question but but we have to understand that the purpose if a woman understands what i mean messed up obviously i mean not for a relationship right a man is man man is pretty much created to you know honey if you need me i'm there for you if you need me tell me what you need a you need b you need to i'll take care of it no problem don't finish leave me alone that's the way men are that's where men are built that's how men are built that's why a lot of things make sense in your relationship now if you think about your day and how your husband doesn't have patience for you talking and how your husband just get to the bottom line let's what do you want talk to me i'm here to listen he doesn't understand where you're coming from so i think the way to resolve this problem mainly is if you get into your hand you get into your mind my husband is billed differently than i am and obviously same goes for men men have to get into their head have to get into their minds that my wife has a strong need for connection a strong need for bonding a relationship for building a relationship when she comes and she tells you about her troubles throughout the day that's the strongest and the most powerful way for her to connect to you by you listening to her by you hearing her out that's the strongest way that you can make a connection between you and her just listening to her and caring about the information that she tells you that are not relevant to your life at all except for the fact that it connects your wife to you and asking her honey really that's what happened how did you handle this what did you think about it and make it make it look like you care about it if you'll try to do your part to let your wife connect you know what's going to happen i'll tell you a secret you know what's going to happen if you listen to your wife she's going to want to talk less you want to know why you know why she's going to want to talk less because now she feels connected she doesn't feel the need to build a relationship because she sees her husband is looking to connect to the more you listen to her to her the more you show her that you care the more that you show her that you're interested in the informations that are totally not relevant to your life at all the more she will feel my husband cares about me and the more she will feel connected to you and the more she will feel like she wants to talk to to let you rest don't you relax remember i told you when your husband walks into the house what are you supposed to do i told you you're supposed to you know drop the phone drop everything give a big smile run to your husband treat him like a king sit him down let him eat tell him honey tell him honey relax take it easy give him 10 15 minutes to relax and then he's going to have patience to listen to you then he's going to have patience to care about what you have what happened to you throughout your day but it's also very important for the husband to understand that all the difficulties and all the hardships and the five jobs that the wife had to go through while she was coming home taking care of the kids doing the shopping and cooking and cleaning and and all after after helping out with the pronunciation so i think that's really the number one answer i i'm on there's all these all these group chats of how to fix your marriage and how to help your marriage and all these people give all this advice unfortunately um i don't know i think the whatever i think that the simple simple simple advice to fix a marriage is really try to learn about each other try to understand the needs of each other try to see what is it that why she's doing this why is she thinking like this not don't go crazy don't lose your temper over the fact that you don't understand where she's comfortable you have to understand a woman is built different than men and women have different needs than men they have different desires than men because of that we think the women are butting into our business we think that like she wants to know where did you come from where'd you go what you do are you connected to my gpc i can see where you are at all times and a woman a woman feels a woman feels this strong need to share her life with you to be connected to you and you feel like stop butting in leave me alone you know my mother wasn't like that even like like my mother didn't do these things to me what's going on well you don't understand by the way it might look it looks like making me making fun of women maybe it looks like it but it's not women are built for a relationship marriage is all about relationship men is the ones as i said before men's were the ones who created with the deficiency that's why the torah says god created a woman to help men it says in the torah god created a woman to help men to be his helper why is she the helper the answer is she has the tools that is needed to build a relationship and man just doesn't have these tools you could be the best carpenter in the world if you don't have the tools you can't really do what you need to do they won't have this beautiful creation so it seems like because we don't understand each other there's a lot of discourse and disagreement because we don't really understand where we're coming from you think she's butting into your business while all she's trying to do is build a relationship with her husband that her husband really cares about her it's very difficult for us to understand that very hard for men to understand that why she wants to know everything why she's asking everything what's going on with this woman she's so jealous she's so bad but we don't understand to her to build this relationship is the mission of our life so if women would understand where men are coming from and men understand where women are coming from i think like 75 of all problems in marriage will be taken care of agreed yes i think i think now we understand by the way if a husband um tells you you know i did this for you or i'm doing this for the kids or the house or whatever it is and he's not like making it sound like it's his obligation we shouldn't be upset in him because a man is not built to build a relationship he's not doing all this to make this relationship happen he's here to do his part he did this part he's happy finished leave me alone i'm not i'm not saying you shouldn't ask him to do more but there should be a way of how you ask a man if you're talking to a volunteer you talk to them differently than if you're talking to somebody who's responsible to do something right if you have a guy volunteering in your office are you do this do that why don't you do it oh it's about time you did this already is that how you're going to talk to him or if you're talking to a volunteer you're going to see you're going to understand i can't push him to do things that he doesn't want to do i have to talk to him in the language that makes him feel like i appreciate what he does i make you have to make him feel like i i'm indebted to him men need that men have this attitude you know why is it that when his mother asks him to do something in the house it gets done right away it gets done sometimes before she asks because his mother says oh dear my she makes him feel like he's the top engineer nasa over there you know like she makes him feel like he's like this special man just by talking to him and oh my you're my breath when i'm gonna die for you that's what she makes me feel like when your wife asks you to do something ah it's your responsibility why is it not done yet how many times i have to ask you to change your light bulb finally when he does this oh it's about time do this one also because we ask them as responsible that's right but the problem is that the volunteers [Music] now the reason for by the way think about it why do why do women feel a lot harder to commit to a marriage than men men usually okay let's get married no man it's hard for them to to to agree to be to be stuck to somebody but because like i don't want to be committed i want to have another wife i want to have more fun i want to have you know a good time but women it's hard for them to accept this responsibility nor if a woman is very not sure is this the guy not the guy she's very uncertain about it because she commits that's it she's stuck with with being pretty much giving her life to this relationship a man he says to himself what am i going to do with this relationship i'm going to go to work bring the check everything will be okay i do that anyway a man doesn't have that feeling oh my god a big responsibility now there is something that men have over women there is something that men have a woman the responsibility to pay the bills the the pressure of being able to be a husband that supports the ego of saying to his wife i'm able to provide everything that you want men have that women don't have that so much god didn't give that to them didn't plan that program inside of them as much so there is something to say for men we'll get to that topic to that point a little bit sooner a little soon but i just wanted to i want to focus on this one thing that men and women are made so different that women feel their responsibilities and men don't feel the responsibilities so men feel like they're volunteering so a woman has to talk to them like they're volunteering you're right they're not your children okay but but you know you don't talk to them you don't talk to them like your children because you know it's not they're not children you have to respect them but you have to talk to them in a way that in in a way that they feel that you appreciate them and you understand like a volunteer in your office how are you going to talk to your volunteer in the office can you please do that like you know what i'll ask you a question when you go to your neighbor next door when you need let's say your neighbor is a plumber right and you need some plumbing next door well how do you how do you ask them to come to do some plumbing work in the house first you apologize first thing you do say oh i'm so sorry is this the wrong time uh this is the wrong time i'm so sorry whenever you're ready when you finish dinner if you could just give me a minute i'll appreciate it i'll come back no no no lady what do you need oh i have a sink clogged over there and my husband you know he doesn't know how to do these things maybe maybe you can help but whenever you have time it's okay you know i don't want to why why to the neighbor we talk like that [Music] that's exactly my point i'm not saying no no no no no i'm not saying that men don't owe you anything i'm not saying that men don't owe you anything what i am saying what i am saying is that men don't feel if i pay my bills i give you i bring parnassa i feel i did my part that's how they feel that's how god made them it's not right obviously it's not right they need to build a relationship over here but that's the way god made him so you have to deal with the facts you understand what i'm saying you have to deal with the fact the facts are men are volunteering in your house and you need to deal with them to talk to them like you're talking to the neighbor next door how can you get them on the payroll how do you get them on the payroll that's a good question let's get to that let's get to that i wanted to talk about that how do you get them on the payroll let's learn a little torah rosh hashanah keeper is coming let's learn a little torah and learn a little bit how to get each other on the payroll how to get a wife to just want to do things for you and how to get your husband to just want to do things for you that he should foresee with his great wisdom what what are your needs and how to fulfill them how do we do that so listen to this god loves us jewish people right why does god love us why does god love the jewish people he loves everybody but he loves the jewish people as the firstborn son why does god love every human being and especially the jewish people the torah says like this in devaleem in chapter 7 7-8 god chose you not because you guys are the greatest nation not because you're the biggest nation not because you guys are the most powerful and most you know the the you know the most the biggest nation but rather the verse continues on skipping to the end because god loves you the ramban is bothered by question it doesn't say why it says god didn't love god didn't pick you because of a b and c but rather because he loves you he didn't pick you because of this reason he didn't pick you because of that reason but he picked it because he loves you so the ramban one said okay so why does he love us he doesn't say why he loves us why he picked us so the ramban says like this i'll read you the words of the ramban writes by the way when you read the words of the holy son that lived eight nine hundred years ago just by reading their words it adds holiness to your soul and connection to god just by reading the words so that's what the fine writes when he wrote his book he wrote his book in such a way that he doesn't change their words he doesn't summarize the words he just brings down their opinion and word for word quoting them so this way you'll get the connection to those people who are connected to the great rabbis of eight nine hundred years ago so the ramban says like this god loves you so much and that's why he picked you up he saw the jewish people appropriate to fall in love with them how did he see that is the jewish people are appropriate to fall in love with them they're the chosen people to be loved more than all other nations didn't tell us the reason why hashem chose us because who who do i pick to love i'll only pick to love somebody who's willing to endure and to suffer whatever i bring with me whatever i bring to the table he's willing to endure it he's willing to take it and the jewish people are the most appropriate for that in all nations on the world like it says there are three people there are three beings that are very very audacious very um like they say you know stiff naked and the jewish people are the most stiff-naked people of all people that's a good thing and it could be a bad thing the dog is known to be the most audacious of all animals you know the dog will go find a lion for his owner or go find a bear for his owner and the ramban says that the jewish people will be willing to take any test die as a jew and die as a when they're crucified you know when in a spanish inquisition whatever happens to you no matter what the jew will never give up hashem the jewish people will be willing to die for hashem you know there's a story in in germany where there is a group of children marching out with the safety tower in the hands singing a song about how we're lucky that hashem chose us while the nazim were marching in our concentration camp the jewish kids kids children were holding the safer torah and we're singing the song of how we lucky we are that hashem chose us from all the nations so the ramban basically is telling us that god chose us and he loves us because we are the most appropriate nation that will be willing to accept no matter what god puts upon us we'll take hashem we'll take god with whatever it comes we won't throw hashem away because it's too difficult so the rashishi says the torah didn't have to tell us why hashem picked the jewish people why he loves them so much because a lover who loves somebody he loves somebody who is willing to to endure whatever difficulties and hardships and and challenges and tribulations are coming with him and the jewish people were more appropriate than all the other nations the third animal by the way that is the most audacious is the chicken i don't know if you guys ever had chickens when i was in israel i grew up in israel i had chickens and my neighbor's dog came to eat them and the chicken ate the dog the chicken those was their arab chicken arab jig arabic chicken the black ones the chicken was poking him in the eyes was not afraid of him you know was it was biting him until the dog killed her but but the chicken was like fighting with him i was like what are you doing get out of here but the jewish people are very audacious and therefore hashem loves them very much so says how can you make it that other people should love you true love the love of flesh and blood comes from the love that hashem has for the people since a human being was created in the image of god which we spoke very extensively about last time what it means to be an image of god and how the love of a human being because it's made in the image of god just like god loves the jewish people because they are loyal to him forever for eternity they're willing to suffer and endure from anything that comes upon them so to flesh and blood loves other people when they're loyal to him when they're willing to suffer for him when they take the hard the good and the bad also okay so basically you asked how do you get them on a payroll the way i married barack hashem for a little bit over 21 years and i realized this one thing keeps on happening again and again in my mind i realize how my wife is willing to sacrifice everything for me i realize how my wife is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy and to make me successful it took time we weren't like this in the beginning right it took many years of work and hardship it was difficult but the last few years i'm realizing more and more and more how much i'm madly in love i don't know if it's inappropriate to say but i'm madly in love with my wife because of this because i see no matter what we go through through fire through water through yes money no money through problems through headaches she's always there for me never ever willing to give up and always willing to do for her husband whatever it is that makes him happy and always talking with kindness and patience and even though when i put hardships on her you know for example today she just finished work about eight o'clock so she texts me i don't have a ride home can you can you pick me up because she gave my car to my daughter and her car to my daughter so i said no problem but i knew i had some meetings and difficulty was difficult for me but i like in my head no problem of course i'm not gonna let make it take a cab i drove to to pick her up and things were getting delayed and i was gonna miss my meeting and i told her can you be on time whatever it is so she made sure to wait outside two minutes before i get there not to have to go out from her office once i get there to wait for me outside over there to make sure that i'm gonna make it late for my meeting now a lot of and you know she know i always have meetings i always meet people i always you know she gets sick and sick and tired of it reading i'm barely ever home but she always makes sure to make make it her business to make sure that i don't get unhappy even though i wouldn't have gotten unhappy i think i think you never know pressure there's that you know you can't judge what would have happened but the point is that she goes out of her way now i'm talking about she she because it's easier for women to go out of her way for men why because what what did i speak about before the whole time a woman was built for a relationship so that comes with a responsibility you have to understand you know men have to understand women's needs but at the same time women have to understand their own strength women have to understand their own strengths women were given the power were given the strength to build a relationship to build to sacrifice for the family for the children a baby waking up in the middle of the night her husband becomes a second baby doesn't matter she'll sacrifice her husband because women were built like that so a woman has to understand her own strength he has to understand her own capabilities and live up to them but the way to do this i'm not saying men don't have to do the same thing for women you know through thick and thin through fire water no matter what you go through to be there for them to understand where they're coming from the emotions their feelings to you know to hear them out to listen to them by the way and on levels it could be for men to listen to his wife yap and talk for about 45 minutes about information that are not relevant to anything is the same sacrifice level for a woman for a woman to wake up in the middle of the night and change a diaper after a long day at work and then you know all the hardships that she went through wasn't it okay i'm saying if you would understand man if you would understand men i'm telling you men are built different for men is like what are you doing there are men who are willing to to pull their hair out when women do that and especially if they have a busy schedule and they're used to like running here running there it's very difficult i say all our problems are coming you know you said not really it's difficult i think all our problems are coming because i don't understand where my husband is coming from what is he doing what's wrong with him and her husband has the same feelings about his wife i understand where she's coming from as i said the strongest bond building relationship between husband and wife is for a woman to talk to her husband and for a man that's the least needed thing i don't want to talk to anybody just leave me alone so we have such opposite needs and such strong needs that are opposite it's very difficult for us to build a relationship why get married it's too late to ask that question [Music] women no well she's asking she's not asking why i get married she's asking why did god make us in such a way that we had to get married could have made us like an apple tree he bares his own fruit you know he doesn't need a woman he bears his own fruit she's asking why did god make us in such a way now i explained in different lectures in the past that we really are one people a husband and wife are one it's one soul that hashem split up and the soul's job is to be able to connect and build a bond to become one to become happy we need to be married we need to be united we need to find our other half and make it happen make it build women have much more of a need to get married than men because their their women have this feeling that i need to build a relationship a woman needs to have a relationship you know but she's not happy being alone she's not happy being not having somebody that you could you know cry to you know put her shoulders on i know many marriages by the way i deal with a lot of shalom bite and things like that i know many marriages that got destroyed and got ruined just because the husband was not willing to listen to his wife she looked she looked for a different shoulder to cry on yeah she looked for different shoulder decrying because a woman has a need she needs to talk to somebody and the man doesn't understand that man just leave me alone already you know it happens a lot happens a lot and one thing that i spoke about a little bit about the need for women to speak right so i don't know if there's such a thing as you know you could train him for it but as i said you can you can make the environment in the house such a such an environment this thing that we just said if you show your husband then you'll always be there for him not just say it you have to live life like that and you make the environment that when he has his needs you satisfy his needs like you know making you feel like a king when he comes home and giving him mistakes so he satisfies his hunger if you make him feel like that that makes him want to give back now even though now now that you guys hear this it's easier to want to give back until you'll forget it until next week you'll forget it it's easier to want to give back but but if men understand this by the way that's what you have to show your children also that's another reason why you have to do this when your children will grow up they'll have the same marriage problems because they'll see in your house that there is no conversations between the husband and the wife you know your children has to see that you and your wife once a week you go out to talk and not to talk about the children and the bills and the problems you go out to look into each other's eyes and to talk about each other and build a relationship and now crazy in our crazy time in our crazy day and age people don't have time for each other you know even when they go out to go out with their wives they talk about their problems and their difficulties and stuff like that your children have to grow up seeing that my husband my father and my mother are working on building a relationship and that's how they're going to do it when they grow up also but if they see you come home you clutch on the couch and she gives you food and how hey you know like the classic home so that's what your children will end up having also so the way you should think about not only that you're trying to make a better marriage you're trying to make better children and the way to make better children is being a good example number one tip for raising good children is being a good example there's a very holy rabbi that passed away about six seven years ago probably the greatest rabbi alive in the world at the time he writes he wrote a whole book about raising children it's a book that maybe we'll cover one day we'll discuss one day called planting planting the seed and watching it grow and that's talking about children and he says the main concept of the book is he says that the way to have good children is put good environment around them you don't have to a seed grows by itself a tree grows by itself what you need to make sure the tree has around them there's good sunlight on the outside and the stick that it's grown with on next to it to make sure it's going to grow straight now the stick is not even touching the tree it's just connected to the tree through with a string there has to be a very small connection a very small push a very small pull but something on the outside connecting to the street the same thing with your children your example and how you talk on the phone and how you talk to your husband and what you say and what you watch and what you let them watch all the surroundings around them is what makes them what's builds them so if you want to have good children the most important thing is to have sheldon bite is to have good relationship respect last time we spoke about respect between a husband and a wife that's probably the most important thing for children to watch between husband and wife tremendous amount of respect when children are very mean and cruel to their friends is because they see how the husband talks to the wife without care and how the wife responds with that care and they think look these mean people that's what ends up what's coming into their heads it's very very important for us to learn not just for ourselves even for our children some people don't care about themselves so much you know but for for the children they'll do anything so husband has to remember the needs of his wife if not for himself and not for her even for his children and slowly it's going to snowball it's going to become for for the right reason now because of the differences between husband and wife another point that i made over here many things happens on a daily basis that he just can't take it and she just can't take it in most circles you know since a woman is very built for connections for a relationship it's also very difficult for her to detach herself to separate if you notice if you ever go to a party how difficult is it to feel for you to pull your wife out of the party or wedding she has to say bye to this woman send her kiss to this woman oh i forgot to say bye to her i'm not going to see but but honey didn't you tell me that where it's late already you yourself told me it was late and it's time to go because yeah i know i'm going i'm on my way and on her way is to she has to detach herself from one person to the next person to the next person she doesn't even understand what she's doing but that's the way she's doing it because that's where she is she has this emotional bond to people that she goes into a room you notice a woman sitting in a waiting room by a doctor most of the time she'll find somebody to talk to a child an old man a young man somebody talk to him find out about him what's his information and your husband is like sitting there stop being so nosy why are you butting into everybody's business that creates that type of attitude creates just because we don't understand each other creates difficulties and hardships on a daily on a daily basis but if you understand your wife is the type of woman that needs to connect another human being and it's very hard for it to disconnect because women are very into connection into building a relationship you understand when your wife says it's time to go you have another 15 minutes no it's a very simple thing the basic way to understand to make marriage work is just to understand each other just to be able to understand where she's coming from and where it's coming from take this concept and apply to all your hard times in life and marriage and you see how your questions will be answered if i see eyes rolling i'm serious it's very simple any questions um i don't know i'm pretty sure this doesn't pertain to anybody in the room but you said that a guy's um the guy's built to bring the money in to pay the bills to provide there are cases where the woman would make more money than the husband very rare but yeah my wife is one of those cases here absolutely okay so how like why is it that the men go crazy yeah you know it's very difficult for men's ego to be able to you know a man feels that that's his job like i said if a man understands a woman's need to connect and to disconnect it'll be easier for him to live if a woman understands the need for a man to feel that i am the provider in this house and to have that ego and to have that feeling that i am the man in this house if a woman understands those needs she won't rub it into his face that that she's also providing and she's also working and if you're not the only one who's working you know sometimes even if you say things just as a hint he takes it the wrong way already because you're touching up on my ego you know even if you just say no i'm also working so it's hard for me with the kids and this and again you bring up the fact that you're working i didn't i didn't mean anything about now that you've a wife and a husband they're both working but the wife is now making a lot more you're talking when the wife is making more mates it's yours right some men some men the way they take care of it is in their ego they say i own my wife and everything that she owns you know so whatever it's whatever she's making it's mine so whatever it is but no the point is it's very very difficult to their ego if their wife makes more than them [Laughter] you notice by the way i noticed in my i have boys and girls hashem i noticed when my friend my son has friends over and his friend david tells them okay i'm going home so my son's okay go i said myself go so you just spent two hours and just go take him to the door say goodbye thank you for coming just go i didn't get it i see my daughter when her friend comes over she's okay i have to go now she goes mommy can i go with her take her you know halfway home and then you know she's okay one more block there's that look it's so hard for her to disconnect from from what's her name from her friend and like i'm like going crazy mommy needs to get home why are you going with your friend mommy needs you at home yeah but my friend is leaving i don't get it it's the nature of the human being is so different we're so so different it's very hard for us to understand each other now i'm not touching over upon all the differences between men and women but what i'm trying to show you is what i'm trying to make you understand is whenever you have questions like that why why am i like that why women like that it's a very simple answer because that's how god made them very simple answer that's how god made them it makes it very very difficult but that's why hashem made us hashem made us in such a way in order one guy told me oh i never have any fights or arguments with my wife he's a regular working guy so i said to him then you're not married he said what do you mean i said because god made us in a way that we have to rub shoulders and we have to have you know heat between us and fighting between us and arguments between us god made us in such a way that was the program the program is that there should be a fight in the marriage the only difference is is it going to be a fight with respect do you care about what she feels do you can you make her feel like her opinion is important to you woman is much more emotional than men men have a lot more ego than women women have to make them the men feel you know like a king in all your opinion oh genius you know your opinion is like wow without you i don't know what it would have thought that's what men need to hear women need to feel oh i care about your opinion i care about your feelings you know so god made us in such a way that there should be constant conflict because conflict is what makes us grow and makes us change this heat this friction makes us grow and makes us become better people the tests and the challenges and all the problems that we go through is what makes us who we are makes makes us stronger what binds us what connects us what makes us united if you don't have it if you have god would have made you in a way that your husband will just say yes honey everything is okay and you will do the same thing you're not married the challenges are there to make us better people to make us stronger a guy that learns torah and learns musa about how to change himself when he has a discourse or argument with somebody he is happy about it it's the test that god gave him to make him a stronger person to make a better person to make him more connected to hashem a person doesn't want to change he doesn't want to grow he doesn't want to become better when somebody disagrees with him he's very upset it's very unwelcoming to this agreement and and to the argument and the what do you mean if a person learns how to work on himself and change and grow he'll be very very happy with whatever comes whatever challenges come his way it's difficult it's not easy don't worry i'm not saying it's easy oh now everything will be fine you'll listen to whatever your husband wants and you'll understand where he's coming from it's gonna be very difficult because you are who you are and he is who he is but our job is to try to little by little try to see the other person from who they are and so you have to see from who your husband is where he's coming from i'll give you one last advice for men okay men have a very hard time when they come home and their wives don't treat them like kings and the house is a mess and dinner is not necessarily ready and if it's ready it doesn't taste the way i want it to taste or you'll order it out again you know always ordering food men have a very hard time so what should men do to be able to handle their wives a little bit better and show them a little bit more feelings and compassion and understanding what should men do how come the women sound look like they're more interested to hear this than the man what men should do is like this a very simple thing men have to prepare their minds before they walk into the house they sort of have to like say i'm ready for anything i'm going to open the door i'm going to see kids jumping up and down food is not ready my wife is on the phone trying to do this in the meantime while she's doing that she's not going to give me attention she's not going to make me feel like a king i'm ready to accept anything that is in there why because hashem put me in this situation god put me in the situation is testing me to see if i can handle it if a man comes home hungry if he's smart he'll stop off in the local store and buy himself a little snack so he should be able to have patience with his wife rather than i expect dinner to be ready on time it should be more like honey maybe when i come home i can help you a little bit to get dinner maybe i can help you a little bit uh that's what what should be if you if you that's what i'm saying men have to what do we say how do we get how do you get your wife to want to do everything for you if you show her that you're willing to sacrifice yourself for her you're willing to endure anything for her yes dinner no dinner yes food no food yes money no money whatever happens i'm here for you if you show her that she will show you 10 times more that's the way it works so men before they come in where do we learn this from when god was telling kind in heaven you know kind killed heaven and just telling him you know how can i fix my sin he told means at the opening at the doorway the sin is crouching the tahara is crouching at the door waiting for you to open the door and jump on you which means basically that when you're not ready for a situation it's a heart is going to get you the satan always gets you when you're not when you're not prepared if you're well thought out before the situation happens if you prepared if you remove doubts from your mind your bts are this are as dead any time you do a sin is because they sahara convinced you that it might not be a sin in your mind is it really bad to do this is really bad to cheat is it real i'm just talking i'm just looking i'm just doing i'm just you're always rationalizing why it's not really bad you never say yes it's bad i'm going to go against my creator i'm going to sin nobody does that nobody's nobody does that the it's hard mind game the trick game is to try to find doubt in your head the more you learn torah the more clear what right and what wrong is the lesson sahara is able to trick you the ram khal writes this in the safer he has a safer introduction to kabbalah he writes over there the safer that the way to beat the sahara is get clarity in the torah so the same thing before you walk into the house don't walk into the house with all kinds of doubts and all kinds of expectations and things that might happen might not happen you have to walk into your head into your house understanding very clearly this is a test from god to see if i am willing to accept his will or not am i going to get angry or not am i going to get upset or not this is a test from hashem that is about to put me in get your mind ready for it and you'll be able to beat any challenge any test any it's a horror coming your way very simple trick any questions if let's say um you're in a situation where you feel like it's not going the right way you're misunderstanding each other and you're already in it how do you get yourself like out of it before it's too late to get into like an argument you don't want to continue on that path like change the subject like look at like what are you going to start over for safe if you're having a misunderstanding right you're not seeing eye to eye on something he's saying his opinion you're saying your opinion you're not agreeing you don't wanna but you don't wanna have a full-blown fight you just wanna like okay i will agree to disagree i don't wanna continue this further what's a good way to just turn around like make a u-turn and stop where it's going i don't know it's a good question i don't know how to deal with marriage problems i don't know i know how to deal with issues before they happen i'm just joking but um that's a good question we'll put in the recording also i think the way to deal in a situation like that to deal with your uh you know husband is first of all if you understand whenever people argue when you say something to him when she she says something to you it's very very hurtful that moment you have to understand he has his ego it's very difficult for him to accept rebuke to accept something that is doing wrong or something like that if you see got to the point where conversation gets heated obviously tell me listen i really love you so much i don't want to hurt you i don't want to you have to express yourself i really love you so much i don't want to hurt you and i know that we're going to get an argument i'm going to hurt you i'm going to say things that i don't mean and you're going to say things that you don't mean how about we we take five and we talk about a little later when we're more calm that's the best way to do it tell them straight out nothing to hide there's nothing to be ashamed of i love you and i don't hurt your feelings and i don't hurt you and i'm angry now i'm going to hurt you and i don't want you to hurt me so let's let's let's talk about it in an hour or two or whenever when we relax most of the time i know men like to do that women don't like to do that because women like to resolve the problem i need to resolve the problem i need to make my bond my connection with my husband good and there's the wires and they're not connected something is wrong so men have a problem women have a problem with that but that's what women should do women should say this is not the right time it's not the right place the same way when you rebuke your children when you get upset in your children you want to punish your children almost never ever punish your child when you're upset because your child is going to get the message and you're punishing him because you lost it and what is he going to do in school when somebody bothers him when he loses it he's going to punish somebody also you need to punish your child only when he feels that you love him when you're not angry when he does something wrong you tell him i'm disappointed this is not something that i expected from you to do i will have to deal with you later and relax about it think about it what's the best way to teach him a message that he did something wrong over here it's the same thing with men and women same thing with husbands same thing with relationship you know i one one other thing i wanted to mention i wanted to talk about one other thing but the same type of a point you notice men get very hurt when you cut them off in the middle of the conversation when your husband is talking to you and you cut him off in the middle often he gets very upset especially when there's an argument when he talks to you you cut him off in the middle of the argument women i don't know if you notice women sitting and talking in the same room five women will talk at the same time you cut me i cut you i cut each other because i cut myself it doesn't make a difference we'll just talk at the same time right most women except for one or two special ones right why is that for men a conversation is there's a point to the conversation i'm talking about i need to figure something out you're cutting me off it doesn't let me get to my point you you killed my conversation there's no need for me to talk anymore a woman's conversation has nothing to do with what i need to get to my goal is to talk so i could build a relationship talking it's a long-term girl goal it's not i need this now there's a long time where you listen to me just listen don't worry everything will be okay you just listen to me and i'm talking you talking we're talking we're all talking it's fine but for men it doesn't work like that i need to talk for one point you stop me in the middle i can't get to my point you just killed the whole conversation so that's also getting back into understanding the difference between men and women but you hear what i'm saying if there is some sort of problem right there and then the best thing is to to to disconnect and say let's talk about this when we're not angry that's the best thing to do i know one lady that when her husband does that she doesn't let him leave the house he wants to i need to go to get some fresh air she stands in front of the door i think i told you guys this last time she holds him back from going out of the house poor guy like i'm not i'm going to come back honey i'm not going to run away no you're upset you can't go here's the question let's say you do that that's not good okay let's take you know a break from this argument or whatever the next time you revisit you get all heated up we have both of you right so you have to be smart about it are you ever gonna if you can't resolve it then what's the point of screaming and yelling about it maybe it's worth it to just you start off nice and big and eventually and eventually right there's different ways of doing it if you feel that you cannot do it talking then maybe writing it down sending him a text i don't say i'm going to get upset if i talk to you about it i don't tell you my feelings are you supposed to um god forbid you're not supposed to you're not supposed to yeah men men all right men like to do that [Laughter] men like to do that because it's very difficult for men to say i'm sorry very difficult for men to say i'm sorry i noticed you know i think i told you guys last time also i'll put this in the recording also i think i told you guys last time also it's very very important for your children to see you apologize to each other and to see you apologize to them when you make a mistake when you do something wrong if your children don't see you ever apologizing they'll never apologize when they grow up also when they get married also it's very important to say i'm sorry i made a mistake i didn't realize this or i should have done this but most of the time when you apologize it's very important not to come up with an excuse for why you're okay why most of the time when a person apologizes you know i'm sorry i i i didn't know this i didn't know that whatever it is and then you give excuse where the apology is not really an apology because you didn't do anything wrong because you didn't know the apology has to be sincere and you have to make the other person feel like you really feel bad but you messed up over here after you do that later on just to make them feel like i didn't mean to mess up you could tell them you know by the way i made this mistake because a b and c whatever it is but if you just apologize right there and then and you tell them that it's not really my fault then it's not really apologizing and men do that all the time and happens to do it all the time because i don't want to feel guilty because a man needs to feel like a god by the way it says that god created a woman to help men rashi says this in the beginning of partial spirituals god created woman to help men to make him understand that he is not a god that's what she writes that you treat him like a volunteer volunteer gods no last lecture he said you have to treat him like the image of god he said not only because it's in their heads not only because of course inside of us there's god god is inside of us so let me look him but we have to treat him like volunteer gods why because you know men feel god said it's not good for men to be alone why because if he's alone he's going to feel a unique being it's only me then i'm like a god that's what he's going to feel so god gave him a woman who is similar to him but different in many ways to make him understand dude before you feel your god put your socks in the hamper you know before you feel your god before before you feel your god before you feel your god you know pick up your plate your dirty plate after you eat you know uh you know that's what one was given to to make a man realize and he thinks like he's a god but he can't he can't even do the basic necessities of whatever i want you to understand when you do shalom bite for other people's houses you're being bringing a tremendous amount of holiness into the world tremendous amount of kedusha into the world and i hope that it's going to pay you guys back uh you know 10 times full by the ship thank you for having me