Making Small Investments in your Marriage - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] couples asked me all the time what's the best thing they could do for the relationship and I answer them they need to invest in the relationship you know people that are good at saving put a little money away each day let's say somebody puts away a dollar a day 30 days later thirty dollars two months later sixty dollars a year later 365 dollars but i can tell you something when you put that dollar way you don't necessarily see how you're benefiting you have to invest for an awfully long time before you see what's really good about your investment let me tell you a true story i was once on the subway in manhattan and i was what you call a strap hanger hanging on to the side of the trade trying to get through my trip and there were these people talking there and one guy turns to the other and said you know I just came back from a trip from Florida and I go there every year and his friend said to me said well how do you save enough money to go on this trip every year so let me tell you a story every night before I go to sleep I checked for coins that fell from my pockets into the couch and I brought home from work one of those big water cooler bottles and every night I gather all this change together and I put it in this jug and I do this for a few weeks a few months and every year just before I want to take a trip and I'm planning it I go to this big jug you know what I do I count it and I find this hundreds of dollars I've saved just by putting a little way every day the exact same thing is true in marriage if you make small investments in your marriage you're going to see something really special happen but you have to wait a little bit so what I want you to do is to learn how to make small investments in your relationship I'm going to give you a list of four simple things you can do and I want you to do these small simple things every day the first thing I want you to do to make that investment is make small little gestures to your spouse what are those gestures that you make to somebody I believe there are things which are really unexpected some people go to the same restaurant every time with this bath other people come home at the same time stay the same things do the same things with the family let me make a suggestion do something different do something out of the ordinary for your spouse surprise them perhaps you bring them one type of flowers before shabbat once a week bring them something different bring them something special perhaps you used to going to one type of restaurant all the time i want you to change it up try something different with your spouse i guarantee you that your spouse will feel like it's an investment in that relationship when anybody does something which is special for you which is little out of the ordinary you feel hey they're really thinking about me the same thing is true about your spouse they're going to view that and as an investment in their savings account the second small investment i want you to make in your marriage is compliments and not criticize you might be married for a few years you might be fighting about little things that bother you about your spouse if you want to make that small little change that small little investment I guarantee this will work just complement them even if you have a list of things which you want to criticize them about forget about it throw the list away just find those little simple things and compliment them about that I guarantee you success I guarantee your spouse is going to say hey my husband or my wife is complimenting me that feels really nice that person really likes me so every time you make a compliment I promise you you're investing an emotional savings account you're going to see the benefits for a long period of time afterwards number three another way to make a simple investment in your marriage is make a list of your spouse's positive points go ahead and do it take a few minutes think about all the special things that your spouse does and the special qualities may have even if you've been fighting about sort of thing even if there's tension about children about money or a bad in-laws go ahead and make that list the next thing I want you to do with your list is I want you to put it in your wallet or you can put it on your smart phones you have a record of it and I want you to read that list every single day before you see your spouse think about all those positive points the nice things they do for you they're nice personality traits have a take care of your family how they pick you up from work when you couldn't find a ride home how they stayed up late for you at night when you thought everybody was sleeping and they were there waiting for you how they called you just at the right time and you were so thankful they called you make the list of all those special things if you fill your mind with all these positive thoughts just before you see them you're going to be more positive with them and they're going to register that as a deposit in their emotional savings account the fourth step is to thank your spouse and the third step you already made a list of all the special points now share an appreciation with them thank them for all those little things they do for you or have done for you in the past there's not a person in the world that will reject you when you make a little tiny compliment everybody loves little compliments maybe a person or a bit shy and aren't used to your gestures but after a while if you keep it up a bit when the person is complemented they really start feeling good inside about themselves and if they feel good about themselves with you they're going to want to spend more time with you and they're going to give to you more of what you want as well those are four simple steps that you could use every single day to improve your marriage the most important thing is to learn like that wise investor who puts a few pennies or a few dollars away each day by investing in the long-term you're going to reap tremendous benefits welcome to this new series and he's a brute called marriage matters my name is rabbi daniel shonda and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around world will sign on this important series i will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationship but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on the blue shell