Making My Home a Peaceful Place - Part 1 - Rabbi David Kaplan (lecture for women!)

so today we're going to do the where you get into the nitty-gritty of what you have to do up until that we were talking about about you know general more general so the first rule is that your job in life is to please your husband and cause I'll say II Shakira o sir its own baile now we touched out us last time and there's a rule Cassidy begins at home this is one of the distortions of our society people treat their family members in the in the world at large they treat the family remembers miserably and to everybody else on the street they're they're just wonderful and that is a distortion the wave has it works in torah is huset is a series of concentric circles first take care of your inner circle then go to the deck circle and then go to the next circle there's an idea of an EA ear click code when it comes at sucka first you take care of your relatives then you take care of the next level outside then you take care of your friends in Torah we work from the inside out the world at large that's why you have all these people who have you know in the in the vulgar world that we live in so people you have all these incidents taking place at work and people meet people they run off their marriages break up because at work everybody's on their best behavior so you know the same the same woman who gets interested in man or mangas is a woman at work is because oh she's so sweet and he's so in he's so charming that's because neither of them have seen each other at home and work then when they marry each other then again they split up because they say that they are miserable despicable people but it in when you're in the workplace everybody's on their best behavior and it's always easier it's always easier to be nice to people outside why that is you could say you know if you're right why it is it for any one of several reasons and marriage often is because you're expecting something from him also you know I would I gotta do everything for him in the answer is yes the answer is yes anyway he has to do everything for you ed average an average who told me that his marriage his cousin teacher told him that marriage is that marriages two hundred percent his responsibility is one hundred percent his response weight and another hundred one hundred percent his responsibility so that is really the attitude the attitude should be for a woman in a marriage your has said all of your tests at work you have to make sure that your husband is taking care of that is the that is the the rule the house i'll say God Elohim it soo the dosa name is shana tova vosa person who is got it see boy is always got more scar I mitsui the Ossa because when you're a volunteer it's more fun when a person who is a volunteer is horrified I think words give you the example I don't know if I heard it didn't but if you walk into a shoal and you see two men in the show one of them is putting on his filling like this stuff was yawning I was putting on this when he got another guys feeling like like Daddy you know and he and then i say to you one of them is about chillin ones in ffb now if you had a guess which one would it be which one is the bell chuva and which is the FFP and the answer is that you know as well as I do what the answer is the answer is that the guy who looks at Susie Essex obviously about Java and the one who is yawning is an F FB now why is it the answer is because the ffb feels he has to be doing this about Shiva somewhere inside about chuva feels I don't really have to be doing this I chose to do it in at a certain level I'm a volunteer as long as you volunteer with you if it personally if you ever go into a hospital and you see you have the you have the nurses and you have the volunteers right the nurses are all walk around dragging their feet they're tired and they have to do it the volunteers are all snapping their gum just looking for somebody to help young where I get why because I volunteered your national hero when you're a voluntary or national hero so when you make a cake for you for your neighbors kiddush you're all your all into it when you're making a cake because your husband is askew as he left the front as he left the house as your husband you know i'll get another example just imagine you're gonna surprise him you say you know i'm gonna surprise him he's learning good and i really appreciate the roughness he brings into the house I think tonight I'm gonna make his favorite I'm gonna make him a blueberry pie and just as he leaves the house and his way out he says oh by the way maybe you could make me a blueberry pie tonight and what has happened to your enthusiasms just let the air out it right let the air out why why should that be you're gonna make it anyway would say nothing changed just one comment from the person who gave you a kuba all right it's the only change between what you were I'm doing and what and what happen and although the wind has been let out of your sails why is that the answer is because until he opened his mouth you were a volunteer once he asks you to do it then you're in mattoon of us and I have to do kill your husband as we know for a fact that he wants the same thing when a man on a mote say shabbos decides I'm in a surprise sir I'm going to do the dishes okay we're into science fiction though but a man is good I mean I'm gonna surprise her I'm gonna make her I'm gonna go over I'm gonna do the dishes he starts walking towards the sink his wife is in the back room she says like her shock you please do the dishes she takes up all the other I was gonna do with them anyway why don't worry okay we're gonna do for her anyway the answer is up until that point that was a volunteer now I have a gun to my head and goddammit suva gotta lie MetService it means that a person once you're commanded dude it takes the fun out of it when you're married you're in missoula those you have to understand that you're mature he's also been silvassa you are miss Alyssa that takes the wind out of your sails male it's harder me mother that's generally a rule in life when you have a choice of two things which one should i do i have two mixes that are possible which one should i do the rule is generally that the one that you really want to do is probably one you should the one that you want to do less is really the one you should that's jealous it doesn't it doesn't always mean that but that's generally good because the yates are very rarely is there a Yates ur heart is there a Yates ER hora telling you sorry Yates are told that makes you feel I really enthusiastic about a mitzvah the man's really eager to go to show that means his wife probably needs help at home yeah that's why he's so eager also the olson he's up early and going to show why cuz i know so i don't get out of here I'm gonna have to help her that means they should probably home helping her that's generally that's the general rule so you find this in other areas because for example usually people are sad when it worse where our saddest onion if that's when we get melancholy because that's over supposed to be happy we hear the funniest joke of the year on Tisha buff it's usually how it works because in general that's that that's the way that that's the that's what he called that's the the challenge now there is a med rish no matter says it's a beautiful medicine sure assuring robbed of the metra says there were a couple that was very ten years than any of children so they came to shimon bar yohai what happen was couple in have children for 10 years and the husband said to the wife listed we don't have children unfortunately the hose we have to split up so take your take anything you want to take your most precious precious possession but you have to go back to your father's house we have to split up we have to get it yet so they decided before they do this take this dress except the good eruption bar Yohai with the gun law door so they went to show buddy hi he Ambrose trimmer and I said the cal husband came in he said listen unfortunately we don't have children my wife could have whatever she wants you should take whatever she wants but unfortunately we have to split up she's you're right i said yes you're right but I want you to split up the same way you got married you got buried with a banquet you made a banquet when you got married I want you to get the voice with a banquet don't know exactly how you do that you know you send up I guess miss printed invitations and you serve lousy food you know and have a really bad band right we're just any band nowadays and you know anyway you know whatever whatever it is they whatever it is that you do at a divorce celebration so they got it away caught okay so they're at the celebration the old days used to drink wine you know the brain wine was a common beverage our dreams who drink pop the Uruguay so the drinking wine and the husband is getting already he's had a lot of mine and he's he's a little drunken he's he's ready to fall asleep but he says his life okay this is it we did remember I said he collapses he falls asleep right on the couch so his wife calls over for disturbance and she's okay pick up the couch at follow me they pick up the couch they followed her to her hug her father's house the next morning the husband wakes up and he looks Rises where am i sir wife's I said well you told me to take my most precious possession you are my most precious possession hey you thought you thought the end way well that couch is my my precious possessions i get off well you i want their couch no no she said you are my most precious possession okay they went back to his room are you high or so much i gave them Abraha he heard the story so they give you a brother you should have a child within a year and within a year they had a child that's what the measures a beautiful marriage act doma of sure asharam rabba so far should be asking second the obvious question if you're sure Bert hi could give them a brothel so what you have to put it through their torture for what have to put him through them for hey give them bro you're my bro right away we'd have to go put them through the the torture of having they have a public a public what it cause it is a given brought her right away that's a ton for sure miss the answer is that rib humor you high when they first came to the husband said that unfortunately we have to split up my wife should take whatever she wants but we have to split up so he heard that the husband is totally devoted to the wife he heard the husband's only do it what he didn't know is how the voting is the wife said husband at the point that the wife showed that he is her most precious possession that point said okay I give you a brother you go on you have a baby there are several mooser lessons here and a bigger in a base very interesting because they had a bigger level at a bigger level it is a muscle too cloudy shell and I Kurdish work'll Clay Shaw caveat course replica vehicle is the husband and all the insurer sure because Rob is the husband the husband is fully devoted to the wife which is Clyde show what we don't know is how devoted is the wife SAT husband at the point that the wife demonstrates total devotion to the husband at their point we're ready to go on to the next stage which is the unborn baby which is obviously and she actually they we are in and it's called it's called the heavily later heavily miss you have the birth pangs of mushy have to the point that we are show total of like lies well as a group shows total devotion that we're ready to go on to the next to the next level that's what the that's sort of far should explain in a marriage on a marriage so I didn't understand the mesh wait what does that mean you have the baby first I think one of the lessons here is one of the lessons are not positive well I think one or lessons here is that a person in life is often in a situation where they're not satisfied they always think that up when I have the next thing I got to get to the next stage have not satisfied and a person should know that first be sad if you're satisfied with what you have then you're ready to go to the next stage and have the baby if you're not satisfied with the evident getting into the next agent get help any with you I'm you satisfied of that either and I think that this is a rule in life this again this parenthetical madness or related only to show him bite so it it certainly does apply and shown by certain players and marriages certainly if couples are waiting for children people have this idea people have this idea right now I'm in limbo right now I'm in limbo people's up late so I've been limbo well I finish them and I'm not yet married so I'm just in limbo I'm waiting to get married now we're married but we don't have kids yet so we're in limbo limbo you could theoretically be at all stages of life I'm in limbo we're waiting for just waiting for our kid to get into hater we're in limbo now we have nine boys but no girls so we're in limbo right you're not Lynn all you're in you're in gunaydin or or whatever it is but you're you're not limbo whichever way it goes i don't on that boys and I girls not sure I know I know a couple has 10 girls and I go his ten girls no voice I know another couple my daughter went to school with a girl they have 12 daughters and one son guess who sits next to Daddy on shabbos yeah 12 girls at once I say you'll get you'll get these situations but a person should never feel right now I'm in limbo right now your eyes in limbo in life right I'm in limbo until I pay my gum at him back I'm in limbo and if I marry off all my children I'm in limbo until I marry off this I have grandchildren limbo so we're never in limbo are never in limbo each day whatever whatever we doing today that's our avodah of the day there's a matter what you're what you're saying so you guys could be only you'll always feel you're missing so once I get it right now I'm in limbo cuz we haven't bought a deer yet so we're only renting so we're in limbo so what does limo mean your putter from home it's it's not your puppy for color typical it doesn't you're never in limbo and you're always in limbo so that means we're never in limbo there I something there another stage in life I mean may look we don't view life that way we take life right now this is my matzav right now this is my avodah and right now this is what I'm doing so that's as far as the rule now go through a few specifics the first is this comes from the Bene sky that a wife always has to take care of her personal appearance personal how she appears her husband now this is she never be underrated and we are realists we are not idealists we are realists in other we are idealist and in an ideal world it shouldn't be an issue in a real world who cares it'll world don't make such a big fuss over it but we are realists and therefore everybody cares and therefore it's something that should never be under emphasized so a wife let's take care of her personal obviously obviously you know you know things are people are different in the home but yeah Thursday a man comes home at the end of the day may comes up the other day so after ten minutes anyway he doesn't notice a but the first ten minutes with a man comes home a wife should be at her best that's that's a rule in life a wife shouldn't save her best for outside which often people do and the husband gets to see the practice uniforms right the husband gets to see all the SH mattes and then once you're going to go to the doctor go out with her friends or go out with everything then a wife puts herself together and she that's also a distortion is a good bar that says Abigail kiya who was a grandson of Honi imago you talk about honey I'm a girl everybody knows her he made the rain and and he got into he got a made the circle he got any time for the rain he had a grandson Abba Hilkiah who went Kleiss trail needed rain they come to him to daven for ray okay so we're talking about a tonna and we're talking about amanda's on the level where call of clyde shell came to him because they needed rented on for rain and the guar says there's an incident there where his wife was dressed up completely should dress up you may put herself is it together as best as she could and they said to her you know wife why did your wife dress up there there's a series of questions in this country why did your wife get all dressed decked out he said well she doesn't want me looking at anybody else let me look at other women so she takes she says you took care of it now we're talk about a ton over but at Anna so your husband's are good i don't know they're tied i am and so a person has to understand this is part of the reality of life it is a responsible there's even cos allah says ain t shaya litleo fee a woman is there for beauty husband wants enjoy his wife's appearance and therefore a woman can't obviously always be at her best on the other hand it could be more often than she is and there has to be a certain amount of conscientious effort that's put into this area heard about its lady and that's just one of these readers digest stories you know the the the the the garbage man come in other collecting in america that collecting the garbage outside the house Luna's ladykillah he's got the curlers in the hair and she's wearing her housecoat she's got her curlers in her hair you know she just woke up she just had her first cup of coffee she comes running out with his bag of garbage the garden is it too late is it to lay so though ma'am jump right in so it's a you know no husband wants to see that and also wants to see that and therefore it should be a certain amount of time energy and effort this foot that's put into that area certainly in the early years of marriage certainly in the early years of marriage after a while it's that it dissipates but in the early years of marriage and it ever totally dissipates by the way but in the early years of marriages are certainly be something that there is time and energy put in the home in the home in the hall the other thing you have to do is you have to contrast the outside world now I feel bad for you because you are living and you are going to raise children in a world which is more vulgar than it was 20 years ago more vulgar than it was 40 years ago it's certainly more vulgar than it was in 60 years ago so the lack of sneeze in the vulgarity in the world which obviously it's crept into our camp as well but you have to understand that a that your husband if he's a in Kyllo so okay so it goes through the home to the coil but if your husband the working man is out there working in the in the workforce so you know there's all sorts of stuff else as a garbage going on out there there for a woman has to do her best there to offset it to the best that she's capable of setting it and again i'm only saying things that some people are afraid to say we're not afraid to admit the truth we are honest people we are not people who try to you know it's like the the i was asked by guy edwards at the shiva you know why do the Orthodox have pizza are they in such a low level they can't Davin without the men looking at the women I said to me you know we're not on the same i leveled it the reforming conservative are you know we're a much lower level yeah the answer is because I'll did it in the base of English cuz I'll didn't put up me to them in another size shape and they tried twice three times so they got it right so that's what we understand what the eight Sahar is we understand what a man's temptations are and therefore that is eight major response away their wife has Ramesh a has a chuva romesha has a fine jean has a chuva a couple that a couple that got married to Hasidic a cynic buffer and Ibaka Rhett got married and she came from a tradition of Hasidim that shaved their heads the women shave their heads for whatever reason I don't think it's because I Keenum but she comes from a wait wait till you have four year olds then you'll find out about Keenum so she kills her about the city's group they have been women shave their heads in the husband comfortable group that then he did that one his wife to shave her head so they assert my everybody said it's certainly a very important union for a wife to maintain her family's traditions and if the family trade shaves her head it's very important for her to maintain a sham families are very important very important in yet but it's a few for the woman to please our husband therefore it's absolutely a surfer to shave her head if her husband doesn't want her to it's certainly very important Union any on them are always important to feel them are more important and therefore other wife has to please her husband that's not a you know science entity we're not playing about a game where we talk about talk about Shawn bites number what number to the so again I think that this has to be certainly emphasized that women often put more care into themselves when they leave the house and this a standard it's a moccasin Medina it's mag of women I was taught years ago by my wife she said to be women dress for other women right which to a certain extent is true nobody suspects our types of B'nai wives of NATO aren't dressing to attract attention of other men so when they're going out of the house they're dressing because they you know they're going to see their friends everything else it's fine it's great that's wonderful but no less int a great extent much more emphasis should be put on your husband number one number two any of the clothing you wear and styles should be what he enjoyed what he likes not what you like but he likes it again I'm talking about I'm talking about if there's a conflict if there's a conflict your other doesn't like a certain type of tickler toes aren't a certain type of color sir know whatever it is that many of their chigan luck but your job shouldn't be your job shouldn't be what you like and get him to like your job is what he likes again we're only talking to people who want to please their husband somebody says I don't care what my legs that's something else the man's job is to try to like what you're like whatever your wife does we're not talking to the man right now so the camera we're talking to talking to the women so those of you that watch this with your husband's you know don't know what to tell you um okay the there's a quote here from the Benishek I just want to read you his quote the beginning of his court there's a bend each kind you talked about in and what he call it in in in in Baghdad quote this is from the Bene shy she must always be dressed well and be particular about the cleanliness of her clothing okay dar days name that issue it is a woman's responsibility to pay special attention to our conduct in her husband's presence she should adorn and beautify herself for him even though he may not show particular concern for these matters she should adorn herself do the best she can in the area of cleanliness tiny pneus and general conduct now sometimes men don't show a response they don't show reaction until it's negative any sometimes a wife is dressed in white and husband I say anything cuz by him that's standard in others the question is what's the average and what's the below is what's above average so man only respect what you're saying well look at the effort I put again otherwise even notice because Jesus very well that's how it should be and that's how it should be in the wife sometimes will once the drops drops below there then the other you know you're not really well where did you get the head at the Salvation Army or you know is that supposed to be the theoretical possibility of matter without form you know you know so all these things that the husband hasn't make the comments but that's only after there's only after things have have have dipped below what he considers the average now what your job will be is by the way you know sit him down again you sent men need to be heading by the way I just want you to know that it takes time and it takes energy to care for myself the way that I do it I you know you should mention it once in a while like every 10 minutes okay i just mentioned this in sheer today because it came up in legume aura this came up in the Gomorrah and i have it i heard of hearing the notes as well when Ezra brought back claw shell after Gullas bubble they came back to Eretz Israel he made several tucanos and one of the tucanos that he made was that peddlers who go from city to city selling women's cosmetics cannot be held out of the city in other words he in certain areas of a lock of a man wants to go sell leisa he wants to sell candles and he goes to a certain city so then the candle merchants could say what do you ready would he come into our city selling your candles are you know you're you're you're you're in for hurting our / NASA Ezra made at econo women's peddlers peddlers who are selling cosmetics and well sort of whatever it is at women women do so then uh they cannot be held out of the city they cannot lsi women have to have cosmetics Cosmetics is aleph bais for women for a women cosmetics as is basic and fundamental as a sports page is for a man there for women here so sorry about the analogy women have to have women here they have cosmetics available all the time because that is such a fundamental part of the of the marriage ok now we're comes the food so first of all men again I'm generalizing and generalizing men do not want to take food on their own and do not like the idea of walking in two thousand taking food and it personally and I don't mean to be overly harsh here it is certainly unless you have little babies to take care of their early years of marriage even in later on a wife has the distributor time and such weight that she has food ready for her husband when he comes home that is part of the normal relationship as part of the expectation and it creates the band between the husband and wife the band is created over the food and a wife out of the you know they'll even the say await a man's heart is through his through his stomach a wife yes that is part of her basic responsibility don't worry she'll serve use or so don't worry see I told you men don't like everything when they like waiting for food so so oh what a man do men do not like taking food and they're on it's one thing if you have to be out of the house you leave a note or something but as much as you can don't leave him to on his own when it comes to food number one number two if you're gonna experiment with new recipes right just make sure you know who your husband is really well you know there are some men who doesn't matter whatever you make that's fine you know they'll they'll take it on it doesn't matter as long as they're full and they're good about it they're good sports by the other men who are not such good sports oh if you're going to experiment with a new recipe just make sure you have the safety the safety waiting waiting you know in case it doesn't work in case he just is it into some sort of new onion spinach souffle your night as I just make sure you do have some fried chicken or something waiting for them just in case it that doesn't do it for him number number number three and again I I tried it sounds humorous and almost sounds childish but you know yourselves how many fights there could be in a marriage simply be over over food over things like that men do not like leftovers and forget that music about yeah well leftover is taste just as good as fresh right they don't I know your mother's told you and my mother told me leftovers is just as good as fresh they're not as good as fresh that's why it's called leftovers and when you put it in a freezer on motzei shabbos that is that cold frozen fresh I've been through this I really that is not frozen fresh it is frozen motzei shabbos frozen fresh means you took it out of the oven and you put into the freezer that's frozen fresh and it's going to taste fresh there's no se cheap women are big belly emunah women have tremendous tremendous belief they believe if you take food on Tuesday and you freeze it Shabbos chicken on Tuesday and you freeze it they believe that after two weeks of the freezer is gonna come back to life and it's going to taste just like fresh because the freezer has magic qualities and it doesn't it doesn't you put it in the freezer round Tuesday it's gonna taste like Tuesday three-day leftover food oh so it's a sight just gonna be colder and then take it out of freezer freezer that magically cure the food I do not like leftovers i had this out with my mother for years my mother always told me that her daughter loves are gonna curse her because i was an incredibly finicky eater in kroner which I still am people in neighborhood think that were very from cuz we never ate I met a roll right when we got married we do not eat out we do not eat out the reason I don't eat out is because I don't like other people's food I don't like people cooking I don't want to have to guess what it is at the table I don't know what if I have to ask what it is I don't eat it I don't like fish so all it is is a series of insulting the hostess and I can't just sit there table so I'm just not hungry you know that doesn't work so i made a roll it we eat at home I could my wife's cook it we'd at home right there parents that's it so people think we never accepted invitations you go out you know what you want to be my from where I'm not mock me at all if I'm hungry it's kosher but but but but only the food that I like so the EF to know who your husband is you really have to know who he is leftovers I made a deal with my wife after she tried that music about well left over States just like fresh I said you're absolutely right give the kids the leftovers and I'll have the fresh because every way that all tastes the same so it might not give me know so I don't you know that's a booty call so that i get to pull rank on that once in a while you have to fair in a budget and so on and so forth but don't think don't think that that's considered a fresh meal the husband says oh good nice fresh supper and you're serving i know my wife told me she has friends who frees chilled right his friends a free show and they think out of the freezer during the week and that you know they were warm it up in the microwave they serve during the week so i guess it's whatever you trained your family I think he could be arrested for that actually heard about a woman is sitting in a shabbos table as a ballast chua for a potential boss to a city from family in a brother in our neighborhood she sees the table and shabbos of a you-know-what in his 20th century 21st century potential balls two of us and I daresay the shelves able and say at some point the seven-year-old daughter got foot spit econo she said some of the other mothers so my mother got up gently across the table just slapped her across the face so this girl gets up says I saw that I'm reporting you to the authorities she stormed out at us I don't know whatever happened in the end right but if I was at a house where they serve frozen schuldt right I would do the same thing you know i saw that i reporte you've the fact if we drug administration you could go to jail for a long time for that the last in the last thing over here is don't tamper with successful recipes ever under any circumstances if you have a good recipe if you have a good recipe don't play around with recipes and I advise women it's not difficult leave raisins out of the house raisins are bad for shell of ice right unless you know you that your husband is a raisin guy don't put raisins and you could destroy thing you know oh good a fresh go go crunch did did you put raisins in yeah why praises I despise race don't put it there brownies with ribs yo out they go you got a successful recipe a great artist they say a great artist knows when to stop it's a sign of great odds great artists those when I'm finished with the painting it's working leave it don't tamper with success now even more importantly let's say there's an extreme scenario and you know wives would like to know what does a husband like to eat your husband says burgers and fries what else roast beef and fries what else chicken and fries what else that's it that's your job that becomes your done yeah but I'd like you know especially if you're the creative type it you know what about French words you know souffle you know all those aux words so we know all those you know that you read about doing forget it forget it save it for somebody else you the winner what's point so if you could sneak it in there somehow you know you sneak in some sort of green vegetable that he's ever heard of you know before nobody other okay but in it's not a joke because that's what he wants a Shiksha rose or its own baila that's what your otherwise that's what's going to please him as long as it's nice it's fresh that's what husband wants ok now we're going to get to a few a few doubts in marriage so first of all don't do anything that irritates him and stop right away so for example and again I'm I using example women sometimes sit around snapping their gum this is a minor thing you know I'm stamping the gum they could drive men Betty and some to the husband said oh I don't do that that's just a small a small example sometimes men around the phone and the wife is talking in the back trying to coach him from the background there's certain things that drive people crazy and I advise you that if you're ever going to do something I have an agreement with my wife some people work great together some people work better independently by delegating responsibilities and some people think they work well together and it's a disaster so regret but you gotta buy tickets because you're making a trip so husband gets on the phone and the wife ascenian husband says ok it was it yeah she's helping him to back guys are just wait i'll tell you now sometimes women like getting up-to-date reports husband has a call Sarah What did he say so I've always made a deal with my wife listen I will answer all your questions after i'm done with the whole thing i'm not going to tell you after efforts talks first talk to the travel agent and then i talked to a second when they ask what the Pricer i'll let you know at the end when I've got it all done and we work great together ogre I do my thing she though that she could ask you all to go when I take the kids away or I take my kids so do we do chef at owns whatever did I take my kids we have a rule I take my kids okay I'll tell you especially the sun's the semi sons really did not like this but they knew that was a snide cut on them I said anytime I took up the shabbaton or took him away anywhere the guys we're going and I were a little at the time they were little you know hey guys were going one condition when you come home you have to sit down and answer all of Miami's questions right those two all them all that okay and then he'd take her out here what did they serve but did you see what 80 that although the whole range of questions now that being the case I mentioned this last time and and uh the the anything that you find your husband is irritated by try to avoid try to why don't try to get him not to be irritated by it you have to try to avoid it if I had to pick one thing that drives men Betty when your husband is talking personal whenever your husband is talk you try to look at him with admiration men love that and love that the wife is all right and it dissipates very quickly because when you were dating when you were going out you know she you were like wow he's just yet on then after you're married for a short time or a long time like 10 minutes a day in realizing I know the other there there there's some work to do over here you know it's like wait huh and men are disappointed why she's contradicting me she's arguing she has an opinion she didn't say she's not laughing at everything I say look like when we're going out and she's actually she actually go like on me and men don't like that man they liked it especially so I didn't write this on this I should have bedded us a list first of all when your husband is telling you something don't interrupt to ask for insignificant details it's a tremendous vota for women it's a difficult I mentioned this last time and it's not a joke it this amount yet when you're talking to your friends so the problem is that when women are talking women could talk to each other you both talk at the same time and you both hear each other how you do that I don't know but you're able to do that and as you're talking area and you're adding your kites like a running commentary when men talk men like I you listen that's how it work then you talking than I listen much watch six women sitting on a bench six women at the park you know so ol6 could be basically talking at the same time and all six are hearing with each other is say nothing wrong with it though that goes rogue creating watch six men sitting together usually you get six men one guys talking everybody's listening and also neo burst out laughing that's not work then the next I take sister that's how we're only one talks at a time now the women it's like luck luck luck everybody's talking together now men don't want a wife interrupting when they're talking especially when i'm trying to know when you tell a story sometimes you kind of build up you know you build up you build up to it so everybody's their human nature is human i like to kind of dramatize it and build it up a little bit so the man is building up the wife interferes boy if interrupts with something insignificant you defuse him and he could change the mood in the house that's why so serious the husband's in is a great mood he's bubbling he really wants to tell you about something him in the hood of Russa they they really did something great today and they accomplished everyone say says you know I got to the Shiva today what time well 915 I got the you know in some I carissa you know we're learning about become who do you learn with you know I told you it's a guy is Israeli your American you know you know and I boom you know I don't feel like a ruined it you just ruined it in its a Nevada it's a no vote occurs because I'll say cuz I'll say I did did I mention diminish last time there's a medicine McGillis Esther that says that when that she gave them a the medicine y'all cuchi mami says that when Vashti was taking the women through the palace so cuz I'll say she gave them a guided tour says what was vast she doing by the men's by usher hotel says she's showing the women that sort of King Gates's where he sleeps in swear he drinks his right and cuz I'll say base from here we see women need to know everything so cuz I'll women need to know everything now it's a gift it's a gift because that's the gift that's going to help you to take to supervise your husband and your son's because by doing that you're going to then keep tabs by asking question being curious and your natural suspicious nature that your husband's are hiding something from you that will help you to possibly you know husband comes in it's got that glow in his eyes husband sometimes walks in I told euro-crime she loved it said the wife's knows everything the husband comes into the house how was your day great wife is looking and he's got that glow in otherwise you gotta glow the house you'd a great house learning really good yes what's going on what do you mean I mean what something going on no what's for supper you sit down at the table starts eating shrews II what's going on what do you mean gothic wife's no sauce is gonna rock yes yeah didn't you know finally said something going on her while I was thinking about something yeah well were you thinking about I had an idea it's a really good idea well what is it well I figured that if we put on two of the children and we get the money and I have a good friend who we're gonna make an investment we're going to go for the big one right and the wife got it out of him finally and then the way says we're not going pretty big ones we're not we're going to keep the children right where they are and you're going to just go back to work tomorrow you know and we're not going for any big ones in brush and that keeps them out of jail right that otherwise otherwise he would go broke it we got an end up in jail so I course rojo gave you that curiosity in the sense to know when your husband is up to something in order to keep them out of trouble now never ever into that's why I say in its in a voter because it's not your nature you're going totally against your nature over here it's totally gets good your nature it's not your fault because this is a way when used positively can find out who the neighbor needs help who in the neighborhood needs help when the neighborhood is struggling financially that's what your curiosity as far as you could do pestered with it if you misguided it'll be used for lush and hard because you got to find out all details so in your when it comes to your husband and your husband is talking don't but don't upset him number one number two when your husband comes home at the end of the day two very important things have to happen two very important things have to have it the first is that he needs to eat supper and the second is you need to tell them how difficult your day was now if you do this in the proper order you will have gunaydin and if you do that do it in the proper order it will be the opposite of Canada so when you're president kevin says hi how are you uh-uh you're not gonna believe on he'll be honored your boobs are all good your husband's just kind of looking at past your shoulder just trying to see the kitchen table you know hope hoping against hope that there's food waiting there he's starving hungry and you're sitting there with it with your with your you know all the terrible things that happen and I can't leave what happened you know shafiq altered I just can't believe she said that in the air husband you know he's looking at home if he is I know they're three ship is in your life each one worse than the next just where you know he's looking over in his looking past your shoulder so what you want to do is get him to the table soon as possible get him down sitting in front of a table he's got meat and potatoes in front of him now you can talk then you could fetch and he could go boom which is the only sound you want to hear anywhere when you catch and you what you know what you just want him to go who it was so horrible i hate when that happens yummy to whom and so if he's sitting in front of the table city and you think it's a joke aside a joke because you want to have a good bone your home your husband sitting there and he's eating good fresh meal that was cooked that day or taken out of the freezer and it was frozen fresh in the freezer and now you're able to tell about how frustrating it's could he had a wait for the bus and you forgot your person had to go back home and get it anyway he's out here here where you're saying and and he's ago oh oh yeah I me too i hate when that happens what do you mean you forget your purse though no I mean I hate with a template i went bad things are all good good i z is paying attention right whatever it is you get in the proper order you i can eat it if it's not done in the proper order than the house the whole mood in the house is ruined for the corset evening don't ask him to do things that that that he's not good at some men are great with their hands around the house they fix things they do things they both a don't ask him he's not good at it don't ask him do it makes her nervous make sure there's a men who are not good fix it guys they get it on don't ask him just get justjust hires LBJ ask your husband what should i do we need that you know the overhead chandelier which is imperiling all of us needs to be fixed now who should have shied do you want to do a check all electrician just tell me what to do is get instructor let the husband make the decision how's it sometimes are unreasonable man cook again well you know you live here too we both turn on the light switch it's not like it's my fault over here men can be very unreasonable out there just get him to tell you what to do I don't want to fix it just call the guy I'll pay for it I'd rather pay for it than heaven sometimes women just want to feel that the mean is contributing don't don't worry about his country as long as it contributions a credit card is the only contribution you need don't don't worry about contributing it's just that good at it makes her nervous that he doesn't enjoy doing um don't rearrange his stuff without asking him I would say don't look through his stuff but I know that that science fiction women look through their husbands stuff I don't know what you're looking for but but women are always looking you could tell i once got my daughter my teenage daughter i got her good because she's also like roughly may know you know i was touching you know so I once put a note on my desk with my son's name on it I just wrote my son's name private and on the back side of it I said I wrote her name when she on the other side which he'd pick it up to look at open the note and I Road inside what are you doing reading this note you know Saudi because I was tell you and she kept my daddy you really got me yeah yeah so wives I yeah I know you're going to look through husband soft trying not to be try not to leave any evidence that you have been and then you must suppress the curiosity you know when you went when your husband comes home say you know hi amazon man you know why do you have a gun in your drawer yeah yeah how do you know hey try to suppress the curiosity don't rearrange your stuff don't rewrite it though you want to look through a look through don't start don't start oh well I think this should be here leave him is doll Adonis even though sometimes wives if you're the type of wife who loves your house you're like a perfectionist on house being really clean George says you know you got to clean your stuff why what we're you know he knows that leave his socks on the floor you you gotta clean your stuff which stuff well your third desk drawer needs to be straight and I'll be bothered by his third leave him as dala thomas / they let him do what he wants don't you start tampering with it and a little more seriously that's when I say seriously I don't mean it's a joke I mean a little more a prominent in the home don't ever compare your husband's to other men ever ever ever don't compare yours with other men if you do you are likely to end up there's a very good chance you're going to end up crying because if you compare your husband to other men that opens up the door for him to compare you to other women and men could be nasty Menken men can be downright nasty and the next thing you know you're going to find out that he doesn't think your collars are as good as plone Issa scholars they will you ate last week and you're devastated and worse and therefore it's not fair you married him you didn't marry anybody else and to compare him well how come her wife is always how come her husband is always at minion anti how come her husband always learning on motzei shabbos like her husband is spending so much money on it not fair it's not fair you wanted to spend more money you want them to be at minion deal with that individually don't stop bringing up other people because you're crossing a red line which if he crosses the red line you're going to end up regretting that you did and therefore it's not fair it's not fair to him and it's not fair to yourselves don't ever discuss your marriage with anybody outside of you're your husband unless you have express permission from your husband I know a couple unfortunately ended up getting divorced this was one of the causes I don't say it was the only cause when the primary causes was the wife could not restrain herself from discussing the marriage with her sisters and her mother to a certain said was mostly the sisters and it's that fair the first rule of marriage is your marriage is only between you and your husband every single detail of it whether person whether whether whether insignificant or or you know there's certain lines where you could talk about talk to your mother we got it we got a new chair in the house but anything having to do with the inherent relationship he yells at me a lot he's not considered he doesn't help me does give me enough money whatever it is unless it's something good less is something good you are not allowed to discuss your marriage with anybody else you're breaking the most fundamental rule of marriage and you cannot to do that means you are being disloyal to your husband your first loyalty of your husband you could ask your husband and if you have your husband give you grind guidelines ground ground rules what you could talk to your sisters about waked our sister and while his mother whatever it is but anything that he has said I don't want this getting out and I don't want this discuss with anybody you are violating the first principle of marriage if you go out without without his permission and you can do serious serious damage to the marriage you