Internet Addiction #4: How Does Addictive Thinking Begin? - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] my name is rabbi Daniel Shawn box I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based here in New York and around the world via Skype we're now dealing with the question of internet addiction and how to overcome it this is the fourth video in the series and today I wanted to discuss where does addictive thinking actually come from and I like to source one of the most significant sources for information on addiction in the Orthodox Jewish community and that is none other than rabbi dr. Avraham touristy robbing torski wrote a fantastic book called addictive thinking and in his book he asked his question where indeed does addictive thinking come from he believes it comes from early childhood and growing up perhaps in a dysfunctional family or even in a more functional family when we developed a low sense of self-esteem about ourselves he brings us incredible example let's say somebody grew up with a parent whose harsh and neglectful and even abusive and that parent would yell at the child the parent would scream at the child for example one day the child is sitting at the table of his parents and he accidentally spills the milk the father gets up and says you rotten child how dare you make such a mess in this house and smack the kid in the face imagine how that little child feels gråvik Torcy asked his question who does a child think is bad the parent who he idolizes that parent who he believes is like God the world who takes care of him who nurtures him who protects him who gives him a home in putti it's not true the child believes that he himself is bad ladies and gentlemen that abused child that neglected child does not believe his caretakers of that he believes is something wrong with himself he dissolves what a by torski believes is addictive thinking very early on the life he developed something called low self-esteem most self-esteem so powerful I once met a young man who was tall handsome capable very wealthy and people running after him everybody was interested in but I asked him how he felt about himself you know he told me he told me he felt he was ugly he told me he felt people looked at him and laughed at him he actually although he was a multi-millionaire he believed deep down inside he was a miserable failure I asked him where did it come from he told me the story of how his father used to hit him and smack him and abuse him and abuse his siblings for years as went on in his home he grew up believing on the one hand people saying boy you're so successful and then they had deep down inside he thought he was lying he thought he was a faker he thought he was false deep down inside he couldn't stand himself he therefore couldn't get close to people and eventually developed a terrible internet addiction friend Drabek turski is telling us a very very big thing addictive thinking comes from deep deep within ourselves it begins most likely during childhood it forms what we call a low self esteem and a person then reaches out for the internet or any form of drugs or alcohol he reaches out for that to sue that deep deep pain inside right he watches the internet because it brings him enjoyment but he gets addicted to the Internet because it really ultimately makes him numb to the feelings he's sensing inside that himself so many people out there are suffering addictions and for that matter internet and cell phone addictions primarily because they simply feel bad about themselves but I want to just tell you a very beautiful thing I want you to think about yourself as a diamond in the ground you know when you take a diamond out of the earth it's blacked on the outside it doesn't look very pretty it doesn't come looking like the beautiful rings you buy in a store it looks like a dark blemish and ugly Rock all you have to do is begin to polish off some of that dirt off the surface and you start seeing this beautiful diamond emerging from within friends every Jew is like a precious diamond that's taking from the earth and unfortunately if you form an addiction or Internet addiction you're that same precious diamond it's just blackened over by pain by abuse by neglect and I'm asking you to look deep inside yourself and understand you all have this precious soul within you is precious and Shama that's the diamond it's been covered over by abuse by neglect by difficult times but it's time to start taking off that dirt start polishing off a diamond start looking for all those good points within you and the more you focus on your good points the more you start building up your self-esteem to see how beautiful you are your talents your ability your care your love for others you love for God your love for other people you'll start seeing some of that dirt come off your diamond that is the beginning point over overcoming your addiction improving your self-esteem is the first step towards finding Internet addiction welcome to this new series and he's a group called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and on the licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world we effect on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on the future you