How To Ensure Everlasting Marital Harmony: Marriage Workshop - Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier

thank you right uh so I know re denan from um 100 years ago when he was Yi on um it is it gives me such Nas to see him in this position now and you have in front of you a tremendous tremendous person folks make use of him he is a tremendous tremendous individual how welcome back thank you um really he he's a unique person and beautiful I don't have to tell you m do but his learning understanding okay tremendous tremendous person and thank you for the intro and it really is a pleasure I I really say that [applause] pleasure okay so here's what we're going to do this evening we're going to discuss some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make you see a book in front of you hopefully if you were amongst the first 30 you get a you got a copy of it that you got for free if not you could pick up a copy if you didn't get one um but what I'm going to do is just some of them you're still going to have to read the book you're not getting off the hook that easy but I'm going to go through some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make uh and hopefully we'll get a certain understanding of marriage and how to apply it okay so let's begin in 1901 the divorce rate in the United States was about 6% currently the divorce rate in the United States is about 50% and here's a key question what changed what happened that marriages generally used to succeed and now they don't now again in the from Community it's nowhere near that kind of number but certainly in a secular world the idea of a marriage for life is almost unheard of so the question is what changed so I believe there are four reasons why marriage used to succeed but no longer does the first reason is because we live in a world where everything is disposable disposable cups disposable blankets disposable Cutlery and so too is marriage I was sitting with my wife in a restaurant in Manhattan which means the tables were a little bit too close one to the other and we overheard a Two Fellas in the table next to us saying like this one guy said you know I got married way too late I should have got married much younger that way I could have gotten my first marriage over at an earlier age I could have got my second marriage when I was younger the problem was neither fellow was laughing and the idea of a start a marriage seems to be an acceptance and it really is a very sad reality so the first reason why marriages used to succeed and they no longer do is because marriage is now considered disposable the second reason why marriage used to succeed and no longer does is because everyone today listens to a very important radio station it's called Wim W FM is not a radio station it stands for what's in it for me what's in it for me what do I gain what is my benefit and the truth is it's been that way since you're little child first thing your parents ask what what's the best school for you what are the best friends for you what's the best situation for you what's the best camp for you maybe you went to Seminary everything was about you you you and then you get married and suddenly it's a we and suddenly there's another human being who's equally important whose needs are equally insignificant and the ability to stretch and learn to take another person into account isn't so simple that's a second reason the third reason why marriages used to succeed and they no no longer do is because unfort Ely there are so many UNH wholesome and emotionally fragile people now marriage is an institution but folks it's not a hospital and marriage will not cure any of the normal problems it won't cure depression OCD anxiety low self-esteem poor self image marriage will not cure that many people think it does and they get married with the Assumption I have an issue I have a problem I'll get married and everything will be wonderful so I'd like to share with you marriage will cure only one single thing that's called being single but other than that it's not going to cure anything now these three problems we're not going to change these are societal problems these are major issues in life we're not going to change it but I believe there's a fourth reason that we can really affect in a very real reason the fourth reason why marriages used to succeed and no longer do is something we can impact let me share with you what that is I have now at this stage counseled literally hundreds and hundreds of couples at this point probably in the th000 or above and on a regular basis I'll meet with a couple they'll be in my office and when they leave I say to my wife the following there a match made in heaven living in Gehan you see it's not like Hashem used to be very good at this thing called matchmaking and hasm lost his touch uh-uh it's that people no longer understand how to be married they don't understand the relationship they don't understand what's needed and I'd like to share with you a statistic that I don't know if it's 100% accurate but believe it's true 80% of the that are written today should not be written again it's not like hashm used to be very good at matching things and no longer is it's that people don't understand what marriage requires they don't understand what a successful marriage needs and therefore it's really a lack of understanding and that's what we're going to focus on this evening we're going to try to get at Le at least a little bit of an introduction can we turn the lights down a little bit so we can see the screen a little better half the lights down maybe if you could do that without tripping that' be amazing well look at that it's like a movie theater it's great yeah oh yeah oh come on isn't that great yeah oh popcorn any okay yeah oh no I can see the men I can't see the women I don't know if that's good we'll find out we'll find sometimes I'm popular on this side sometimes we're going to find out ra if you get back over there without tripping it be amazing you're really [clears throat] a talent okay so let us begin let us start with some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make let's begin with the following par opens up where Abu opens his eyes he looks up and he sees on the horizon three Wayfarers three Wanderers to his knowledge that just Arabs walking in the desert he runs out to greet them bows down full sand full face in the sand says don't please do not pass he welcomes them in he stands over them he prepares food he prepares beverage and he stands over them like a waiter at a certain point one of the say to where is Sarah your wife AR answers she is in the tent now this point Rashi makes an important observation these were the highest level of they knew exactly where s was why did they ask that question because he was going to respond she's in the ohal she's in the tent by saying that it would make her more beloved in his eyes it would stress the fact that she's a SN she's a modest woman she's not out there in the public eye by asking the question where is your wife he would respond he he she's in the tent it would emphasize to him her modesty it would make her more beloved in his eyes okay now I'd like to ask a very obvious question the man welcomed you in he prepares food he prepares beverage he stand stands over you like a waiter and you start asking about his wife that sounds a little bit rude it doesn't sound like a nice question at all in fact it sounds very inappropriate why did the malim ask this question and if you don't appreciate why this is a very good question I'll share with you one important observation what is the single biggest obstacle to a successful marriage let's put that out as a question what is the single biggest obstacle to a successful marriage anyone yeah at least someone knows I have seveny olds also who are seveny grandkids who know every answer they watch the video book and they know every single one of them down path I have three of them they sit there on the couch and okay anyway if you ask me the single biggest obstacle to a successful marriage is when I'm self-centered when the world ends and begins in my doas my four cubics when I'm the center of the earth I am a difficult person to be married to here's the problem we're dealing with two of the most other centered people you could imagine the Paradigm of his equal two tremendous sikim so dedicated one to the other the morale says in the course of history there was never a bond between husband and wife as there was between ab and Sarah so here's the question why did M feel they had to ask this question which might even be rude overstep their bounds to make her more beloved in his eyes they had the near perfect marriage what was the issue and if this question doesn't trouble you let's follow the story line a little bit s is on the other side she's in in the oh and she overhears the conversation one of them saying next year this time your wife will have a child buts inside saying how could this be my husband is too old it can't happen my husband is too old to have children at which point shortly there afterfm says to why did SAR laughs saying that she's too old and that's not what SAR said what sah said was my husband is told Adon and yet Hashem changed it and hasem said why did Sarah laugh saying I S am too old so Rashi picks up on the fact that there's a contradiction here and Rashi explains changed excuse my expression lied why is you're allowed to lie and for that reason Hashem changed the truth Hashem didn't want to hear that s said he's too old soem changed the story saying that SAR said that she's too old I heard my R asked a very significant question on when are you allowed to lie for shom if there's going to be a major m going to be a major fight there's going to be something that really causes tremendous tremendous strip on very unusual very unique circumstances you're allowed to lie let's assume for a minute that Abu heard that SAR said that he's to old to have children what do you think would have happen s call me an old man I don't think he would have even noticed it I don't even think he would have registered abin was at the prime of his greatness every year in AB L's life was another tremendous accomplishment by the way he has another 75 years to go at this point in his life he's one of the wealthiest men alive one of the most powerful men alive and every single year of his life was a tremendous tremendous game tremendous accomplishments I don't think he was embarrassed about the fact he was old what would have happened had AB heard that Sarah said he's too old he gone to Pieces asked what was the reason why at the LI so these two questions why did theim feel that they had to ask this question to make her more beloved in his eyes question one and question two is why did Hashem have to change what was the issue [clears throat] okay now to try to answer these questions let me start with a very important question I want to ask you and I'm asking for an answer over here what is the leading cause of divorce today leading cause of divorce any marriage is the leading cause of divorce yes 100% true not a single single person has ever been divorced that's correct at least currently but other than marriage what is the single biggest leading cause of divorce anyone want to offeral [clears throat] lack of money okay money how about children money religion in-laws right there a lot of reasons right I'd like to share with you none of those are the leading causes of divorce there's only one reason why divorce happens the leading cause of divorce is something called fighting fighting yeah but come on it's about the children the money the in-laws uh-uh it's not true at all you see it's never the issues it's how the couple deals with the issue that determines that their success or failure of their marriage you see my friends it's the climate of the relationship if that relationship is one of love and friendship my [clears throat] way your way we find a way but if there isn't that love that bond that connection C that friendship between them very shortly they fight they quibble and it doesn't take much to burn down the house and I'll show you what I mean 70% 70% of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference an irreconcilable difference means a difference that can't be reconciled for instance he has a business in Manhattan she has severe allergies and needs to live in San Diego Chicago doesn't cutter for either of them he wants to bring the kids up in a Kish way she want to more of a yes Lish way you can't send the kids to Yeshiva with long curly payis on one side right an IR reconcile differ is there's no reconciliation there's no possible way 70% of successful marriages have at least one if not more IR reconcile difference yet they're still successful why because somehow we work it out if there's a bond of love if there's a connection if we're in this together we're friends in this we find a way to find up we find a way to work things out I'd like to share with you what I mean John Gutman is a marriage researcher he can tell with 94% accuracy whether a couple will be divorced within five years and explains his method he brings it them into the lab he puts monitors on both of them he measures everything their respiration their heart rate he videotapes it and he asks them to discuss three topics one topic he calls a neutral topic the other he calls kind of a mutually pleasing topic and the third topic is something that it calls a flasho something that they typically argue about and he's explaining what he explains is he watches for one single thing he plays the videotape afterwards and he's looking for one reaction that's called contempt now contempt is not anger it's not frustration it's a sort of rolling of the eyes he says if he sees one sign of contempt without five positive signs can negate that one that couple is headed for deep deep trouble you see my friends Hollywood got it 100 % right except Hollywood got it backwards you see in the world of Hollywood Boy Meets Girl she looked into his eyes and they fall madly passionately in love they fall into love they fall out of love you fall into love you get married fall out of love you get unmarried it's the mystery of life you see my friends Hollywood got it right the essence of a successful marriage is love love is the blue of the marriage but you see the mistake that Hollywood makes is love doesn't just happen love is built and if You' like to know the the answer to this Rashi I'll share with you that's exactly the answer why did ask a question that was rude the answer was ab and S had the near perfect marriage 99.9% but the Mal felt it could be even more you give us food you give us beverage they want to give back we want to increase the love because that's the essence of the successful marriage and if you want to know why Hashem changed heard s said that he's too old it would have caused maybe maybe a tiny tiny scratch maybe imperceptible and Hashem says it's worthy for me to change the truth it's worthy for me to lie why because even the slightest slightest scratch in a near-perfect relationship is a terrible issue and my friends there are two Yodas two foundational principles that we learn from this number one love is the glue of marriage and number two shom bias is Holy so holy that hasem himself K would change would excuse my expression say a lie to protect shom bias okay I get the phone call and it's only too often that I get the same kind of phone call and it sounds something like this Rabbi I I have a problem what's the problem it's my husband what's the problem well he's responsible he's a good guy he learns with the kids he has a good job he takes care of the bills he T I said so far sounds pretty good what's the problem the problem is [clears throat] the problem is I don't love him I don't love him how long you married 10 years how many kids five kids so folks what do you do what do you do when you get the call and the woman says she's married 10 years she has five kids and she doesn't love her husband what do you do so I'll tell you what I do I do what I typically do I ask her the following question I say Madam tell me this last week how many times did you and your husband go out well go out doesn't mean like to bar mits at the wedding how many times did you and your husband go out to connect the bond we didn't okay how about last month how many times did you and your husband go out just to spend time together just to be together we didn't month before that we didn't month before that month before that by about 8 or 9 I stopped and I say don't you understand you guys are like two ships in the night and if you're not going to work on the bond if you're not going to work on the connection guess what you're going to be distant and very very quickly you guys are going to fight about everything and anything and before you know it you're going to be incredibly incredibly apart my friends this is the number one number one of the 10 really dumb mistakes forgetting that love is the glue of a marriage but you see this is the Point love requires work it requires going out requires spending time together but not just going out many vacations love notes gifts text during the day everything that a couple in love needs to be doing and now I become very unpopular why do I become very unpopular because I turn to the men and I point out something very important gentlemen are you ready [clears throat] it is a husband's role to romance his wife let me say it again it is a husband 's role to romance his wife that means you guys plan the date your responsibility your wife will take care of the child care take care of the babysitter you're responsible how many guys have I heard say I told her if she wants to go out just plan the date I you blew it you blew it why because there's one key message that a woman has to hear that her husband loves her that her husband cherishes her if a woman hears that she'll be happy and if she doesn't hear that at the core of a Essence she's going to be miserable and gentlemen you know what that means you're going to be miserable because a uh um a happy wife is a happy life an unhappy wife uhuh don't go there okay now this is the number one single biggest mistake that very smart people make they stop working on the love they stoping the connection and they wonder why is it that we're so distant why is it that we're so apart and if you don't work on the bond you don't work in the connection guess what you're going to be distant you're going to be apart and I'd like to share with you an aaras listen to these words the STI G that's what K's father the stier wrote these words the main hope of a woman in her world is to have a husband who loves her when she sees that this isn't so it crushes the spirit and can be close to be gentlemen do you hear this and this is so easy to solve all you got to do is plan the date all you got to do is the love notes the gifts all the thing a couple in love have to be but gentlemen it's your job to plan the dates it's your job to romance your wife ladies we're going to get to l got things they do wrong also we'll get there pretty soon this is not a guy bashing session over here [laughter] but this one the first one is up to you guys now um I get the push back Rabbi come on go out once a week my husband's on a new job and he's so so extensive who could afford it who has a time I have an answer because I've heard that push back by the way once a week one second how often should the couple be going out once a week not once a month not once a YoVille not once a sh once a week once a week RAB you're crazy once a week who has time for that okay you're right it's very expensive and very time consuming here's a quick question how expensive is it to hire a divorced lawyer and the alamon expenses uh you don't have time how about running two households and trying to figure out which kids thing which night or which place it is the best single investment you're going to make in your Shalom bias in your children in your family but here's the single biggest ladies and gentlemen I don't have to tell you that children are the biggest BR that you can imagine but I would also like to share with you something very very frightening the single biggest competitor for the success of your marriage is your children why because children require a lot of attention a lot of resources and if you don't learn to set boundaries if you don't learn to say this is our night out I've heard so many times women especially how can I get my my my rucky will never do her homework and and much she'll never do his work I guarantee you if Ry doesn't know her math equations perfectly and she doesn't know the will be okay but you see you guys are 10 feet tall to your kids you're the center of gravity if the marriage itself starts to come apart it's almost like gravity ceases to work everything starts to be unhinged the single best investment you can make in your children's success is the shom bias in your house if you want to bring up children to be wholesome andal healthy the single biggest best investment you can make is make sure you have a good marriage but folks this is the point they're no shortcuts you really have to do it now [clears throat] it's going to sound crazy but on a regular basis when I say these shocking words that you should go out once a week the push back I get is incredible it's like you how whoever does that who can ever dream and then they come to me with the problems the issues the she's this he's that she's that so let me make it clear [clears throat] all you got to do it's so easy it's um I once had a I once did a marriage Workshop these were 50 couples who had really a lot of trouble a lot of they're married 10 years longer and had a lot of trouble and I gave him an assignment the first week to go out spend the time together how many went out two out of the 50 I gave an assignment the second said you guys got to spend time you got nothing I invented a term it's called relationship anorexia you know what anorexia is it's an inexplicable a woman a young woman especially she stops eating she doesn't want to eat she starves herself to death it's very difficult to understand but it's a serious issue I believe many people have relationship anorexia I don't want to go I don't want to spend time who could okay you're going to pay the price ladies and gentlemen this is the first of the 10 really dumb mistakes and it's so easy to cure but gentlemen this one's on you okay let's go on let's go on to mistake number two here we go to understand mistake number two imagine we have a couple woman's over here young man's over here they're walking down the street as they walk he trips and she said I are you okay are you all right that's case number one case number two same couple walking down the street he trips and her reaction is clutz what's wrong with you can't even walk down the street right what's the difference between case number one and case number two anyone case number one is their and kala case number two they married already for three years [laughter] and my friends this is the second of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make forgetting that respect comes first you see it's love and respect if I love my spouse but I don't treat her with respect it's going to be very very difficult for her to love me and very difficult for her to act as a friend to me and therefore you have to work on the respect but respect means really working on respect on a regular basis I hear a couple say things to each other that makes my hair stand rcky it's the stupidest thing I ever heard that's dumb utterly dumb how can I say something so dumb wait do you guys like each other let love each other but Rabbi you want us to be formal we can't be formal I don't want you to be formal but you have to speak respectfully by the way one of the best tools for sha bias is the telephone is an amazing thing an amazing thing the phone rings oh hi how are you oh sure right absolutely okay thanks calling now if you think I'm making this stuff up John Gutman the marriage therapist the marriage researcher he did another study when he brings his couples into the lab besides asking them to interact one with the other at a certain point he ask the woman to leave and brings in another woman a strange woman who the husband never met and he asked them to discuss a few topics then he brings the wife back in asks the husband to leave and brings in a strange man that the woman never met and here's what he's looking for how do we react to our spouse versus the way we react to strangers and here's what he finds if you're Mar Married 2 years 20 years or even longer we are far more polite to strangers than we are to our own spouse but even worse we argue far less with strangers than we do with our own spouse and if we do argue with a stranger we'll be much much quickly to accept their opinion than we would our own spouse and this is mistake number two not working on the respect in the marriage mean you have to work on love you have to work on everything that a couple in love need to be doing but you also have to work on their spec and by the way I'm a big advocate for breaking the phone but this little device has one app on it that is very very good to use it's called the tape recorder put it on one day at supper when if kids aren't around and listen to way you and your spouse converse with each other but listen for your part of the equation and listen to see if you're polite if you're respectful if you're nice and I've seen this on a regular basis people are good people find me those in their own homes for some reason they feel it's okay to let their hair down it's okay to let your hair down but not if it means being rude not if it means not being nice number one working on the love number two working on the respect okay let's go on to mistake number three I believe that there are three pillars to a successful marriage the first pillar is commitment commitment means knowing that this is the right one for me even though it doesn't look so right now even though it may take some work but knowing that this is the one that's perfect for me commitment comes from a single concept and that is knowing that Hashem doesn't make mistakes Hashem arranged the perfect one for me and because of that I'm committed to this Union committed to making it work that's the first pillar of the successful marriage the second pillar is love love we discuss that's the relationship that's the bond the connection friendship love Etc here's the problem many couples are very very committed and they even love each other but they can't learn to live together and and this is the third pillar of a successful marriage learning to live together it's commitment love and learning to live together and learning to live together is not so simple let me share with you an example Elizabeth Newton earned a PhD in Psychology from Stanford University for a very creative experiment this was a PhD thesis she had an experiment she made a groups called the tappers and listeners she brought in a few hundred people [clears throat] half of the group she made tappers and half of the group listeners the tapper's job it was to tap out a song she took a list of popular songs star stangle banner happy birthday the tapper's job was to tap out the beat of the song and the listener's job was to guess the song okay now if you think about it you quickly realize that it's pretty hard to tell what the beat is to what song here's what you found only 2.5% of the time did the actual listeners guess it and you can see the videotapes the tap will be tapping in the listener doesn't get it only 2.5% of the time did The Listener ever get it but this is the interesting part she asked the tappers what do you think the odds are that the listener is going to guess the song person after person hundreds of people said at least 5050 at least 50% but you understand what you earned the PHD for it was the theory behind it you see when I tap out a song I can't help but play the song in my mind when I play it in my mind it's so obvious so how could you not get it what are you da how can because it's playing in my mind when I hear the song in my head I can't relate to the fact that you don't hear it you don't know it and folks this is the third of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smallart couples make is assuming that my experience defines reality assuming that if I know something obviously you know it if I feel a certain way obviously you feel a certain way this [clears throat] is my experience obviously this is reality and I'll show with you two examples of this one a small minor example the other one is a big deal example um to this day one of the interesting things in my life is shabas morning I typically get up very early the house is quiet I learn it's m a few hours later I bring my wife a coffee in bed she likes having coffee and to this day I go through the following experience as I'm preparing the coffee I reach for the creamer and have to stop because my wife [clears throat] doesn't like coffee with cre she likes it with skin milk but I know it doesn't taste good it tastes horrible with skin milk at least 4% fat at least something and to this day I reach for the Crea and I stop and I have to pour the skin milk begrudgingly why because I understand that skin milk and coffee doesn't taste good but here's the problem that's not the way my wife experiences it and understanding that the way I experience things is the way I experience it it doesn't mean my spouse experien it the same way is one of the keys to growth in any relationship but especially in marriage understanding that I feel one way doesn't make it reality this is a small example of coffee cup let me share with you a much bigger example here we go a young man gets married and it's he's um he's learning Cola [clears throat] at 6:30 at night he comes home he's about to put his key in the apartment door and he says to himself ah I married such a sober grounded woman not when he's flighty Dames puts his key in the door opens the door walks in and sees his wife up on the chair what is it what what what what cockroach a cockroach kill it me [laughter] what a cockroach do something [laughter] okay he says [clears throat] himself grounded huh okay anyway doesn't think much about it but listen that's what life is all about so hey two weeks later [clears throat] he gets a call he's in the Bas medish he's learning he zamas he doesn't even take a phone into the Bas medish a friend of his brings a phone and says your wife's on the phone you better take the call what's up what's come home please what's the matter dear please come home whoa what there there are two of them there are two of them go what what she wants me to leave the B stop learning to kill two stupid bug steam coming out of his gets in his car drives home about to put his key in open the door this where are they [laughter] I [snorts] hope you're satisfied turns back heads right back to his car ladies and gentlemen here's the question who was right who was right was she right after all she was terrified was he right after coming home to kill two stupid bugs who was right who was right is an excellent question to ask in a court of law maybe a divorce court but who was right is a terrible question question to ask in a marriage a far better question to ask would be what was she experiencing what was going on now I don't know why this is but I happen to have four daughters and two sons why I can't explain this phenomena but the girls that were afraid of bug since they were born and the boys weren't in fact when there was a bug in one of the girls' room they call that baby brother by they just have to make sure he didn't eat the bug but okay I don't know why it is but the boys were not afraid of bugs girls were okay here's the point the problem is what he didn't relate to was the fact that she was experiencing something very real at that moment when she was up on that chair what was she experiencing something called Terror now the problem is in his world bugs are not scary in his world it's a stupid bug step on it and stop it [clears throat] but he judged her based on his experience if he wanted to be a little bit more fair we change the case a little bit let's imagine it wasn't her alone imagine it was him alone home in the apartment and imagine it wasn't two cockroaches imagine it was two German Shepherds would he be up on the chair uh-uh he'd be down the fire skape down the block why because German Shepherds are scary bugs aren't but that's your experience but your experience doesn't Define reality and understanding that my experience doesn't Define reality is a key to any human relationship but especially in marriage and this is one of the biggest of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make forgetting that my spouse experiences things differently understanding my spouse has a different emotional world and when he says he's really bothered by this don't just dismiss it when she says she really really bothers by the way my wife we have BR have a great marriage I love my wife married 36 years now coming up on 37 and to this day she still asked me the following please close the closet doors what's the big deal it's a jar a little bit what's because it bothers and I always sorry why does it bother you it's just a closet door it's not a mess in the and understanding that it bothers her and she's legitimately troubled by it and it's not a mishas it's not a craziness that's who she is and learning that requires an awful lot and again this is 36 years into the game and I'm still learning it okay okay ladies and gentlemen are you ready what are the two most important words in your marriage two most important I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry a good words I'm sorry they're good words two most important words in your marriage yes you're right you're right by those important two most important what who is wrong I'm wrong those are the most difficult words to say I know I was wrong she knows I was wrong I know she knows but I was I was I can't say the word okay very hard to say but not the two most important words I'm sorry [clears throat] thank you thank you yes dear I was wrong please I'm sorry thank you good no I love you by the way it's three words I did the math I'm mathematician okay every scientific experiment was preceded by an expression most people think before the scientist made the big Discovery he said the words Eureka I've discovered it actually it's not true almost every scientific discovery was preceded by the words that's strange a fellow took Chemical X and chemical y expecting Z and got a that's strange he researches and discovers penicillin research discovers a new type of rubber almost every scientific discovery was preceded by the words that's strange and then the person stepped back looked with some scientific curiosity and understood what was going on my folk my friends these words that strange are the most important words you could say in a marriage why because if you step back and actually try to understand your spouse with scientific curiosity to try to dig in and understand why does it get so bent out of shape when I do X Y and Z why does it bother her so much when I said this if you step back and say the words that's strange you actually can look into the inner World understand understand them and you might understand your Stouts but a very important caveat you say the words to yourself [laughter] you do not say them to your spouse that's strange you say to yourself that's strange why did she get so upset all I did was and then you climb into her inner world and you begin to understand it really matters to her when your husband gets all bent out of shape for no reason what whoever it's just being a guy well guess what you're right he's being a guy but it really bothers him and if you're a ble to actually dig in and learn the inner world of your spouse you'll have a much easier time being successful marriage and this is the third of the 10 really dumb mistakes assuming that my experience defines reality and not learning to understand the inner world of my spouse okay let's move on to number four okay here we go ladies this question is for you ladies what is the single most important ingredient in a successful marriage I'm sorry communication communication trust anyone okay now um it's interesting I've asked this question to thousands of thousands of couples and I've gotten the answer from women communication interesting enough Ted Houston is a psychologist University of Texas he studied 264 couples in depth and he asked them this question what is the most important issue in the S satisfaction of relationship and here's what he found almost all the women said communication almost none of the men said that same line as a matter of fact the most common claim you hear marriage therapists say what they hear from women is we never talk and almost all marriage therapist say what they hear from men is all we do is talk talk talk talk talk now somebody's got it right somebody's got wrong what's going on would you like to know the answer to this sociological phenomena I'll show with the answer go to a kidish go to a kid sh's morning and listen to the men talk and listen to the women talk okay let's go we go to the women's side of okay I go to the women's side and this what it sounds like oh oh great talking to okay now let's go over to the men's side men's side conversation sounds like this [laughter] hey great talking guy okay why is it that when make all women make all those noises the oo the A's oh you need a lexicon to just understand what they're saying what are those noises about validation okay Deborah Tannon is a [laughter] professor of linguistics at Georgetown University she wrote a number of very important books and here's what she say she says if you listen to why women talk and you listen to why men talk you'll understand what the listening nois is are about why do women talk women [clears throat] talk to to create a relationship to bring you into their world to bring themselves into your world to to connect that's to uhhuh oh o ah ah so what do women talk about they talk about people occurrences what happened what she said what he said ah oh oh oh okay why do men talk men talk to communicate communicate maybe ideas Concepts doing may talking learning so what do men talk about they talk about politics Sports business money okay so gentlemen are you ready anyone here want to be happy okay we have three people want to be happy okay good [laughter] okay four people want to be happy um this is a serious question gentlemen who would like to be happy yeah five people six people all not bad we're getting seven no no you don't want to be happy is your wife here you go straight to G if you're not happy oh but you live in geham here [laughter] and it ain't worth it believe me and by the way I got bad news to you you know I let women especially say my husband's going to geten I got bad news to you you go together as a couple [laughter] yep you spend this world together and the next World too so let's hope your husband's not going to get him let's hope okay so do you want to be happy yes happy wife is a happy life so you got to learn the big big yod you have to learn how to talk to your wife you have have to learn how to listen to your wife you have to learn to communicate but gentlemen this is the point we communicate all the time amongst guys but the way we communicate amongst guys is very different than women talk and it's very very good to pay attention to the way your wife talks to her sisters to her girlfriends I know a woman who tells the same story to five different women every night every night every night she set goes this one and that one that one five different people and she Sayes the same things over like okay I don't know why but okay anyway so let me tell you rule number one I'm going to give you some tips for talking tip number one is listen listen means listen the average person listens for 17 seconds before interrupting 17 seconds is not a long time now [clears throat] what you have to do is you have to listen but listen to understand listen to relate listen to feel what is she going through what is she experiencing and then you have to learn to share so tip number one is learn to listen tip number two this one I learned the hard way I was a rebi uh in Rochester New York High School Reby for uh about 15 13 Years anyway um I felt a big part of the re's job was obviously teach the had a learn but more important I felt teaching guys about life guys who come over to me with life questions issues that have very good relationship with them and years later 20 years later guys will come over sh for the advice you gave me back in high school I use it today thank you so much okay so I thought I did a decent job of reading the situation and giving advice and guy after guy would be very satisfied very happy and I thought I had a decent handle on this and then an odd thing would happen when I'd go home my wife was never happy with my advice it was like the minute I crossed the threshold my IQ dropped 40 points I me like it made no sense and I made the Great Discovery after 10 years of marriage you know why she didn't like my advice she wasn't asking for advice she was asking to share to communicate to bring me into her world to let her know let me know what she was feeling so here is the big you so gentlemen if you don't know this already don't fix a problem just listen just listen just listen just share communicate try to hear try to empathize with her empathy empathize what does it mean empathize empath validate validate anybody invalid over here we validate what invalid we need inv validate validate oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you know what I'm talking about you know what I'm talking about no yeah yeah it's a hard thing it's a hard thing to learn because I talk all the time in the male World we'd speak one way and learning to communicate with your wife means learning how to listen learning how to speak and learning how to share so how to listen so your wife talks and how to talk so your wife listens so you do things like how was your day by the way I got married when I was 24 years of age from Zer to 24 you know how many people ask me how was my day [laughter] zero not a single person asked me my wife get we get married my wife says how was your day I don't know why what happened somebody died how my day I don't know what you mean how my day it's okay you know whatever wait what something supposed to be car like how's the day mean nothing happened no nothing happened nothing no Ian we learned sh whatever like I don't know what you nothing you don't talk to me was but [laughter] how would your day is is a bid for communication for connection She Wants by the way this is not a joke after 20 years of marriage I realized that I owed my mother Allah Shalom bless memory and apology I went [clears throat] to Yeshiva and on a regular basis I called my mother and my mother would ask me that question that every Yesa fears the question is what's new what's new I don't know my learned the new to we learn we learn the what's new I nothing's new what do what's new and for 20 years is I didn't get it you know what she was asking her son left home she wanted to connect she wanted to be in my world she wanted to be a part of my life and she was asking me what's okay you hear what I'm saying okay happy wife happy life learn to communicate Lear to talk okay that's it now it's time to get even gentlemen I bashed you twice here tonight right are we going to do something on this side of yeah we're GNA the next seven mistakes what next seven mistakes next seven mist [laughter] someone's counting someone's counting we're up to four already okay mistake number four is this mistake forgetting I talk mean something different to women let's move over to mistake number five okay here we go now ladies I'm sorry to say this but I think you guys are much more um guilty of this mistake it's much more on this side of but here we go it is my firm belief that every young woman as she walks down Thea has a 10-point home improvement policy in place and it's that guy under who is going to be the recipient of that 10-point Home Improvement policy first of all the ties got to go and the sloppiness and the coming late the dumb jokes now she's got it all planned out now we'll give her credit she behaves herself she doesn't say a word but after they settle in you know about 10 days into the marriage she starts on her home improvement policy You Know M your mess is a your desk is a mess okay no I mean you'd be much more efficient if you if you would need it okay and and he doesn't get like all warm and fuzzy even though she's only doing it cuz she she loves him so it's clear that she he doesn't get it m i mean you know it's it's a big mess and you'd be much more fishing you'd get much more done if if it was neater and he doesn't get all wow it's so nice and feels so l so obviously he doesn't get it so she uses sense hum much mean you mess so messy how do you even find yourself in that mess [laughter] and he doesn't laugh after for the life of her she can't figure out what the problem is so ladies let me make it clear if you would like to improve your husband make your husband better change your husband you're making a fundamental error that will cost you tremendously let me share with you what I mean I get the phone call the phone call is only too typical it sounds something like this sha you got to help me okay what's up what's up it's my husband what's the problem he's 40 years old okay good and he leaves his socks on the floor so what's the problem I yelled yell he still leav the socks on the floor what's wrong the guy I said Madam tell me something Have you ever [clears throat] mentioned this to him before yeah about 10,000 times so why doesn't he pick up the socks that's my question what's wrong with the guy I say okay man let me ask you a very very important question is he a nice guy yeah is he responsible yeah so why doesn't he pick up the exactly my question what's wrong with the guy I said Madam don't you understand we all have strength and we all have deficit your husband is a put together guy with many strengths many talents many abilities and he also has Kronos he also has shortcomings and if you're going [clears throat] to recognize there shortcomings and you're going to accept that you'll be happily married but if you're going to try to change him you're not going to be happy at all and I told her a story not long before that phone call I've been speaking at a show by's seminar and a fellow comes over and says Rabbi you got to help me I'm a doctor I work in the ER and I'm around these thin young pretty nurses all day long I'm trying not to look but my wife you know she had her first kid she put on some weight she didn't lose that weight she had her second kid she put on some more weight she [clears throat] had a third kid she put she's 40 PBS overweight and I don't know what to do I offered her nutritionist I offered her an exite plan I offered a guy to come to the and she just won't lose the weight Rabbi what am I going to do to get it to to finally lose the weight I said young man I want to ask you a question have you ever met a woman who wakes up one day looks in Mir and says oh 40 lb overweight just what I always wanted to be that's great that's right why doesn't she just use a nutritionist use the exercise plan I said I'll explain to you why right [clears throat] now for whatever reason there's just a little bit too much on a plate three kids might be a big part of it but you have to recognize one reality she is who she is and she's not going to change you either Embrace her as she is or you suffer she's not going to lose the weight you either Embrace her as she is or your suffer I said to this woman with the socks you have a choice to make you either accept your husband as he is or you suffer should your husband work on being needer absolutely but at the same time you have to recognize who all have strengths all have weaknesses and guess what that's his weakness okay now folks this became like a a mantra [clears throat] I told the story so many times that at one a little while back I was in Chicago and I was speaking and a woman [clears throat] raised her hand and says RAB sh do you remember you were here two years ago I said I do she said do you remember what you spoke about I said I don't she said well you told the socks on the floor and it changed my marriage I said what do you mean she said well in my case it wasn't socks on the floor but it was jackets on chairs Sunday night my husband would wear a suit he'd take that jacket off and leave it on the dining room chair Monday night he'd be wearing a different suit put that jacket on the chair Tuesday night another jacket on the chair by Thursday his wardrobe was entire wardrobe was around the dining table I said where you stoping I said scream I said yell I said well what happened well you told the socks on floor story so now Sunday night he brings his jacket leaves him on a chair I take it upstairs Monday night takes another jacket I take it upstairs I said How's she show them bu now she said it's wonderful I asked the women in that class to stand up and clap why because she got it but why doesn't he just pick up his stuff what we all should be better it [clears throat] all should improve um I just need a little bit of water oh I have a little water here look at that [clears throat] so if you are ready to change your spouse I have a little exercise the single most important self-growth exercise you'll ever experien ladies are you ready are you ready this takes courage yes or no yes yes ready okay here we go if you would like to improve yourself improve your [clears throat] relationship improve you as a human being I have an exercise I want you to go home tonight when no one's around I want you to [clears throat] look in the mirror I want you to point and I want you say these words I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with mean I'm obnoxious I'm a difficult listen we all got stuff I'm either too late or too early or too on time or what we all have idiosyncrasies quirks that's just the reality so why do I need to change him so much because his problem could be so solved I once had a woman these ladies you'll forgive me for saying this I once had a woman who is ragging on her husband he's this and he's that and he's this and that didn't take me long to realize this woman was like a a real work of art over here okay so um [clears throat] and at a certain point I said M I hear a lot of complaints about your husband I recognize a lot of shortcoming but tell me could it be [clears throat] that there are some things that you do that maybe bother him as well she thinks and says yeah probably but listen me I have to live with him I could change oh it's brilliant I love it I love it so ladies let me make it clear don't change your husband it doesn't work don't change your husband it doesn't work now why am I beating up the ladies men do it also you know why I'm beating up the ladies for one reason if I stand up in front of a group of men and for 45 minutes say don't do it it never works don't do it it never works don't do it never eventually they say I get it and they stop doing it never once have I succeeded with women never once never but if I love them how can I know you think got to love him I guarantee he he'll know that you love him even if you don't change him even if you don't make him better so let me make it very clear ladies don't do it okay now how do I know there's such a problem I was once giving a sh bias by the way the Sho Is Not Just sh bias just of late I went into this little kick because because I wrote this book so I have to go on book tour but um sh deals with all issues of life okay anyway bottom line is speaking in a uh in in Brooklyn did a five-part sh um uh seminar it was each month in shs for five weeks and because it was a very large audience we worked it was after when I was done speaking someone brought around cards and people write questions on the cards and they bring the [clears throat] cards up for me to read okay so in any case um I sent the the cards came up and um the cards really first came the women's group um okay let me try to get these slides up here watch this okay okay oh we just did that I'm a difficult person to live with I remember that one okay watch this anyway so the cards come up this was the session where I did the socks on the floor don't change your husband don't do it it never works it get ruins a relationship just get people angry okay the very first question I get it read like this and it's from a woman he says um what [clears throat] if I try to change him by being nice I said no no no don't do it it wrecks the relationship it just gets him angry it never works anyway because you're trying to change his nature you're trying to change something that's the essence of him it's not going to work all it's going to do is get him angry get upset and it's not going to okay so next [clears throat] question I get the card says what if I try to change him by having a sense of humor I said no no no don't do it it never works it gets him angry gets him upset it's not going to change anyway it's his nature it's his temperament that's the way he's Bor born that's what he created you're not going to succeed don't do it the next question is I'm not making this stuff up next question is what if I try positive reinforcement no no no don't do it it doesn't work the next question B Guzman not a joke the next question read like this what if I try to use consequences oh that's very good like musi you're not getting lunch tomorrow unless you pick your socks [laughter] up that'll get you real far lady okay now I thought I made my point very very clear you could see the videotape this a video tape I thought I made it incredi clear that nobody could not get it however I made a mistake this was in Brooklyn I live in Muny it's an hour and a half drive when I got back M [clears throat] I made the mistake of opening my emails and the very first email that I read go something this Rabbi if I don't try to change by being nice s positive reinforcement or consequen how am I going to change them okay very good the next email I read this like I like a comedy routine the next email reads something like this Rabbi sh after all the time you spent on this topic isn't it clear we understand what you mean but we disagree [laughter] oh and she's going to do everything she can to change him whe it kills him her and the marriage which it will and so ladies make it clear it doesn't work but you know why it doesn't work because you're trying to change his Essence his nature and if you need to change him look in the mirror and say I'm a I'm not difficult I'm so he's got oh yeah I bet you I bet you if we ask your husband or a team of jury of your peers they okay anyway this is the point you either embrace your spouse as they are or you try to change them by the way what does it feel like to be loved right what does it feel like to be loved so I have a bunch of words I use what does it feel like to be loved respected accepted approved cherished right what does it feel like to be changed ah not respected not accepted not approved not cherished so here's the point I'm going to make it very clear cuz I don't know if I made it clear yet not changing your spouse means your will against their will why doesn't he change right he's 40 years old why does he change changing is really bullying okay so don't do it okay so I made it clear right okay no no I disagree with you ra I'm sorry I know I know I but you know why cuz if I love them how can I let them be that way how can I let them continue it's so important I'm sorry but I feel like change is important and yes everybody should everybody should change and I want you ourselves [clears throat] right I want you to change you I want you to work on all your issues and I want you to stand in the mirror and say these are my issues 1 2 3 7 10 24 work on and perfect them and when you're done then we could continue but why you know why because it's very e I'm going to be this is not nice Rabbi you're not being nice Rabbi you're being too straightforward be polite I know I what I'm saying is like this listen the reason why it's so easy to look at him and change him is because why doesn't he just look I'll give an example I have a guy who said to me like this I can't respect her she she's not into health food she doesn't work out with the kids she's not into I I just can't respect her I explained to him that he had a very real problem he was one of the most disciplined people I ever met in my life he WS wakes up 5:00 every morning jumps into a freezing cold shower just to master himself then works out for 45 minutes plans his day then goes to doin he's one of the most Str structured disciplined people I ever met and his complaint about his wife is she's just not not so disciplined not so structured I said it's very unfair why because your strength is a great strength it's a great talent but you can't expect your spouse to have that same Talent if you have talent strength ability that's great you should continue to flourish with them use them the [clears throat] best ability the reason why it's very easy by the way invariably what is the one thing that you have to change in your spouse it's always I guarantee it's always going to be your strength and your spouse's weakness let's say I'm very very neat it's going to be invariable I can I can't help but notice that my wife would be much much better if she was neat if I'm very punctual I can't help but notice that she's late that's the problem it's always my strength and my spouse's weakness that I noticed and by the way we become experts at what a spouse does wrong we can't help but notice it we can't but see it and we can't help but point it out and guess what it doesn't work but you know why it doesn't work why why doesn't work strength because that's his nature it's his temperament ladies and gentlemen here's an honest here's a little moment of honesty over here again I'm bar very happily married I love my wife she's not here to disc to debate it okay but we bar we have a great marriage okay however I am a natural born slob I am I'm I'm just very un I'm just uncamp I'm all over the place now it's interesting because I'm very disciplined but for whatever reason that's my temper that's my nature now how easy do you think it is my wife not easy At All by the way every one of these 10 mistakes I could not write a book like this without trying every one of these mistakes and make sure that they worked I tried every one of them and made sure that every one of them is bonafied as a really dumb mistake one of the really dumb mistakes I made was assuming my wife has to put up with my sloppiness now it is true that I worked on myself and it's now 36 years and I do try to be needer and I do try but she still has to put up with me so here's that sort of balance do I have to work on it absolutely but there's a suit in reality it's not my strength it's not my strong suit and she has to learn to embrace that you know meaning I can't just be Cavalier I can't be callous I can't just say I don't care I have to work in it but at the same time she has to recognize that it's not my strength and by the way as great as my wife is there are things that she could use work on do I do I mention them to her uhuh but why not I should help her if I loved her I want to point it out yeah right try that one at home right you know say saying yeah you he what I'm saying no still disagree all right we'll talk after no we won't talk after cuz I I know if you it's only out of love and concern if I one second I was talking in um bet gavriel it was a large group and it was T anytime was doing it a live stream and a guy brings me his text afterwards he was talking to his wife he was texting back and forth his wife was watching him and the wife sends him message like this well my rabbitson said that if you see your husband doing something wrong and you don't point it out you're not doing your job as an as and you have to point it out so I said first of all I doubt the Ritson ever said that if she did maybe her husband's Towing divorce lawyer I don't know I doubt she ever said that because that is the worst advice you could ever give to any human being why because we human beings don't like being criticized we don't like being bossed around we don't like being changed and okay I made my point right yes I am no I am I'm what's called spitting in the wind I this is called you know I know it's like talking to death W okay anyway let's do a recap the first point [clears throat] you guys agree with I think right number one the first of the 10 D mistak is not working on the love the bond the connection that's the essence of the marriage and you got to go out you have to spend time together but it's not just going out it's a text it's a love notes it gifts all the things that a couple is your wife text your wife is here she's texting you now she's on that side oh no oh I don't want don't show it to me do not show it to me my rabbit rabbit Me by way as um what as con his first year first year AO AO what does a cono mean help help me right I've searched and I've reached researched every [clears throat] re Aron not once did I see a single pay say [clears throat] means police lady boss bully bearder corrector not once AO means helpmate all right anyway enough number one work on the love and marriage that's the first really dumb mistake number two working on respect because there has to be love and respect number three is understanding that my experience doesn't Define reality the way I experience things is the way I experience things it doesn't make my spouse experiences things the same way and learning to say the words that's strange to myself and then climbing into the inner world of my spouse allows me to understand mistake number four is not understanding that talk means something different to women than it does to men gentlemen this one's on you you got to talk to your wife you got to take her out you got to spend time with her but ladies I beg you please please please don't change him just accept him Embrace him as he is or suffer Embrace him as he is or suffer by the way I have a theory it's a 20 30 many [clears throat] marriages if not most marriages have this first 20 years kind of then suddenly they take off and much better why is it for 20 years she tries to change him change him change him finally he's a stubborn ax he's never going to change and some he's a ni nicer guy and some they get along so much better so don't do it but gentlemen don't do it either don't change her ladies don't change husband don't do it okay good now one last little punch line over here oh yeah bully don't bully don't bully don't do that okay um I'm going to go through really quick I just want to leave one point if I could scoop these slides be better W look at this whole review this review here we go oh wait wait wait wrong way wrong way stop that stop that stop that go in okay here we go here we go gentlemen I'm going to make it as simple as pie if you treat her like a queen she will treat you like a king if you treat her like a servant she will treat you like a slave [laughter] got that ladies I want to make it very very clear ladies very clear treat him like a king they'll treat you like a queen treat him like a slave uh I am going there you know what I'm saying but that's the point work on yourself work on [clears throat] your by the way I have a 30-day challenge if your marriage is good and you want to make it great if your marriage is you want to make it good or if your marriage certainly is bad I have a 30-day challenge I guarantee it's going to change your marriage dramatically two parts to it number one make sure that you're spending time together you're going out gentleman it's more your responsibility plan to day but as a couple you got to spend time you got to be together number two find one of the 10 really dumb mistakes that you do and work on it stop doing it don't look at what your husband does wrong don't look what your wife does wrong look at the issues if you we only went through five you take the book there are five more go [clears throat] through one find one and for 30 days work on not doing that dumb mistake if you work in a relationship and stop the dumb mistake I guarantee your marriage improves dramatically it's tremendous tremendous change okay let me close with one last thought and the last thought is I'm going to share with you a story um probably the most romantic um story I know of um [clears throat] my re she is um he was about seven years older than the Ritson and he was Ill especially towards the later years and everyone understood what was going to happen the was going to pass away and leave the rabbitson as an Alman as a widow anyway that's not what happened the reiton took ill and very quickly passed away and Thea got up to say a hpit of eulogy at his wife's funeral now we were B had no children we were B were in the house all the time we saw a marriage the respect that the re had respect represent it was unparalleled it was incredible incredible thing to watch by the way I never once heard the represent call the Riva anything other than the rashash Shiva she was spoke to thir at least when we were around the spe was uncanny anyway gets up and he says as follows everything we did we did together we built the yiva together went there St together everything we did we did together I didn't have to worry about my food I don't have to worry about my medicine everything we did we did together she more concerned about my health than I was she was more concerned about me than I everything we did we did together he must have said that expression 12 maybe 14 times and then he said these words I set a hpit I set a eulogy for my father I said a hpit over my mother I cannot say a hpit for my wife saying a hpit over my wife is like saying a hpit about myself I can't do it he sat down and with those words he defined a Torah relationship one unit bonded connected it takes a lot of work it takes a lot of self-improvement not improving your spouse but self-improvement you work on it you do that Hashem helps and eventually you get there that's the goal um vinon son I want to thank you again it's a pleasure to be here pleasure to see you in this role take advantage of him he is a a tremendous tremendous person um please take a copy of the book and one more thing also if you are anyone here under 30 yeah you're under 30 okay good here we go I made an interesting Discovery people under 30 are illiterate [snorts] no it's true no I a question I had guys come over it's a great book I love it what page you up to page 30 how long you had it three months either guys say to me I'm up to page 12 now wait a minute there's table of contents this introduction it starts in page 10 he's up to page 12 okay so I made the discovery if you're 30 years young you are illiterate so therefore what I did was I came out with something called the video book basically I did battle and as I came out with the video book the video book is exactly that it's a it's a video book it's um it's really he read each osyn our own particular [laughter] way of do things making for and recogniz that those are still leg I hope be an engaging journey of first one this one and relationships along the way we're going to meet some very smart couples doing some very dumb things and hopefully we'll learn how to avoid the 10 really dumb mistakes that very SM made watch this first one I love this first one this is a tale of sha and VY K sha and V are your All American couple both bright talented and successful both brought up in good homes both confident and goal oriented and both a bit surprised with what marriage has brought them here's Shane's version dating beny was exhilarating he was full of energy always moving he gave me a sense of excitement and Adventure but after 3 years of marriage his ADHD is driving me crazy he's always late he never puts things away and he's constantly forgetting he forget the baby at the store if I didn't remind him why can't he just get it together and see has his own take when we were going out I felt like her night in shiny armor she would get nervous and I would step into smooth things over if something happened between her and one of her friends I would Cal her down I felt mobile and Gall rescued him with Dam distressed but now I feel like her anxiety is over the top every a shab is is high and she's the queen why can't she just calm down Shane and beny spend the next 20 years trying to change each other but neither of them are successful all right you got the point it's it's anyway um how much how [laughter] okay they're on so if you buy them here the $25 you buy them online the $49 um I have a few copies here and you could PayPal zel or venmo um and but either way please take a book if you're if you're literate and you could read take a book but if not no either way the video book is a lot of fun I again I have seveny BR three the whole thing there all [clears throat] it's it has all time to say it's the content of the book basic essence of it not as detailed as the book but it's pretty good um but it's very entertaining bring it for your kids I have three my daughter has twins and my other daughter has a seven-year-old so they're both they're all three the same age they no they're not marriage [laughter] anyway no no watch this all three of them are on the couch watching listening to different parts I have a video tape each one is has one oh you got to watch this one zes and this one this one good got [laughter] they give their parents marriage advice s okay anyway thank you very much thank you [applause] anyone please thank you so mucher for coming all the way from in the weather and really dispensing this very very helpful and experienced advice this