How to Deal with Overly-Critical In-Laws - Rabbi Ilan Meirov

okay we're not getting through like a shelling by a panel without addressing the mother-in-law so we're gonna we're gonna have our first mother-in-law question yes guys I'm talking about your mother's no one in particular of course okay so the question is my in-laws let's let's make it both as my in-laws we don't want to say the mother-in-law because we don't want to make anyone feel bad so the wife asks my in-laws are overly critical and do not treat me kindly or with respect at all and you know otherwise we have a good marriage my I really I love my husband but I want to cut off my in-laws a hundred percent and and my husband really doesn't want me to how do we deal with this issue let's let's start with Rabbi Meir of probably heard this question before you know Muzzin was that's re-really Nemechek as soon as possible that's one of the reasons but uh you know I always ask people before they get married wouldn't you want that after the wedding you could just go with your wife or your husband go to Disney World you know Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh just get away from your family but no we have several the hot every night you gotta see your mother and your father and your in-laws and your brothers and your uncle's fix your tie with your makeup why do you do this right every single night for seven days why can't you know they were driving me nuts to get married for 25 years your father married and every night to see them again what's up music what's idea behind this very strong custom that we have or we celebrate some of the home with family and friends so one way of understanding it is you see if you get married and he goes straight to fantasy life then you're getting the wrong perspective of marriage is all about why are you laughing begin the game the wrong perspective of marriage life is all about you know marriage is all about family life that's how you get married boom every day you're sitting with their father and the mother and the uncles and the rabbi's are the community members because we're here to build cloudy slayin marriage is all about building cloudy stroll it's not about fake vacations that's why it's all about that with that being said there's no such thing as saying I don't want to see your mother your father your brother your sister are there extreme cases where yes the separation is needed yes hundred percent but not for you to decide you have to get a professional to help you out with this but in most cases in most cases we take things to heart a little too much and we blow things out of proportion and we must learn how to understand that is her mother that is his mother that is her father that's his father and we got to do it for the sake of shallow right I'll give you an example you know yourself a dick was in prison for for over a decade forever it for 12 years could you imagine it wasn't like that some of the prisons you have today where you have you know men crying out of a tin shall Halik that black culture food yep TV you play basketball there was a third world country with a rat hole he had nothing and that's after almost being killed by his own brothers and it's told numerous times and it's like he did something wrong to be put in prison he didn't steal money he wasn't a Madoff that he enjoyed for 25 30 years he did nothing he was innocent I put in prison as a teenager and he came out a hundred percent normal that is normal he was a second to the king he was running the country rabbi Shimon bar Yohai think about it he was in a cave over a decade with his son he was the most wanted and he had nothing but some dried fruits and water came at a hundred percent normal he wrote the ZOA Kadosh how do they pull that off it's an unbelievable concept that having teachers there's a rule that a damnum tap in the combination of tubs out what does that mean imagine you had for example a Holocaust survivor and he's at the wedding of his granddaughter he's at a hall in Brooklyn and everyone's walking down the hall and as is happening he's thinking about he's thinking about when happy time in Nazi Germany how he saw some of his relatives a semi rock him brutally murdered and he saw shrews being burned down he's at the Copa but he's thinking about this where is he right now is he at the Cowboys back in Germany because his mind thinking about that he's really there Adam name's Abby mcComish a massive hotel you thought you are where your thoughts are the key of yourself it's addicted ever shown by us I was even in their tough situation they can't see had ammo 9b2 Hornish am I'll be out of here soon I'll make the best of the situation I'm gonna just live with it with the current myself and not get depressed and I'll lose my mind in that and that's how they came out over a decade later a hundred percent intact so now when we talking about in-laws I don't want to see him I don't want to see her Shabbat yom tov what are we telling you live with them for firfer 365 days a year you have one weekend but you may have to sleep over is it far away or you may have it for two or three hours if we tell yourself you know what I'm being meek I'm the mid-south kid whatever M I'm respecting my husband's parents I'm expecting my wife's parents I'll be there for two or three hours I'll smile I'll eat delicious box pull out whatever maybe and then move on to your home afterwards you know you're saving yourself so many heartaches you're saving so many shallow by tissues it's all a matter of perspective what's the worst they could do take a couple they could comment on your shirt they don't like your shirt your kids may be running around too much yeah they're wrong and your husband or your wife should always take your aside no question about it but to make it hmmm excommunicate each other's families I don't recall of any cases where you came out victorious usually everyone comes out a loser card oh shut up again there are situations like I said if you have a professional saying listen you must cut off you have to cut off but 99% of the it's a matter of just tying yourself you know what I can handle it I'll go there I'll smile I'll take the compliments and I will ignore the criticism and you'll see the Shalom bite that you have with your husband and what your children see afterwards where you're not bad-mouthing their grandparents it's gonna take you a very very long array in the future [Music] [Applause]