Finding the Perfect Spouse - Rabbi Jonathan Rietti

[Music] you last would speak about dating marriage and Shevat so boy meets girl he says will you marry me she said no they lived happily ever after boy meets girl says will you marry me she said yes the end now there's a pure humor in the reflection on reality whatsoever so don't be afraid we're going to talk about dating and marriage the obvious connection to shovel what you tell me what's the connection so there's that there's the cool part of house tonight the Jewish people how did we how did we say yes we're going to marry you and your Torah what what the words we used now seven ish my excellent 10 points for gryffindor excellent so comes along the time tells me not a seven ish ma so not only smarts a very interesting statement we will do and then we will listen in the sense of understanding so really does that sound like we're checking all the details of the contract or we're jumping in with trust the God you would do no wrong to us which one is it we're jumping in with trust so marriage is not a word it's a sentence you can get that oh I'd never mind as in prison jail never mind okay so pure humor so it's very good that you didn't get that that's a very good sign I personally found it very funny so some of us do relate to it okay so marriage is a very serious commitment in Larnaca desh how do you say I will when you want to say I commit you don't say I want or I need to you say I will enlarge our cottage like to go to the perfect language Biblical Hebrew is perfect there are no mistakes so how do you say grammatically I will what letter do you add in front of the to say I will an island our lives as you know represents always represents our gems name it's the first the first time Alice appears in the throughout the beginning of the word is an Elohim so sense the Mahara you'll find this also they've undergone says it's on bava kamma page 55 that the first time appearance of a letter in the Torah at the beginning of word that word is the meaning of that letter the first time an Aleph appears in the Torah at the beginning of a word is an L or Kim so Elohim is the essence of Aleph Elohim means the bollocky hood gulab he is the one power behind all powers when you and I put an alert in front of the word it means I will now there's nothing that you and I can say we will because we're human I will be on time well that's if the traffic allows I will lose weight if the chocolate doesn't speak too loud to me um I will be a better husband father if this child doesn't press on my buttons so there are many things we say I will and we commit but we don't control because if so many other factors so how do we have the arrogance almost Gaza to say I will and the answer is you're putting all up in front of the verb and Alice represents a cottage barkal so what we're really saying is I will with your help accomplish anything so Ruth which is the story we tell on shovel what where's she Satan the army when army explains to her look it's a it's I've got nothing to offer you I'm an embittered mother-in-law at this point and I've got no more sons and you're going to come to hurt us well you're not you're not part of the Jewish people you're not going to be fully integrated and accepted what's not only what would is Ruth famous answer I will go where you go how does she say that in Hebrew a leg she puts the olive in front of the word left I will go what does that mean I want to lose weight I need to lose weight I will lose weight I want to be a better husband I want to be a more loving father mother more giving spouse or I will there's a big difference is it just semantics just work I want to be I need to be or I will I will says no matter how many times this relationship doesn't work out I will keep trying no matter how many times I make a mistake I will start again so the clear connection between shadow world and marriage is that this is a serious commitment no one gets married expecting Hospital on to end up in divorce and I will says I accept that from the moment I'm under the Hupa and the ring goes on my finger I will commit that this is my best yet this is the the book this is the one that was originally intended for me 40 days before I was born before I was conceived and with that I'm saying I will do whatever it takes to make this work there are very few exceptions we'll talk about it soon on the practical level of what a person should allow to get in the way of marriage but marriage is a serious commitment it really means I will do everything it takes to make this work now you and I could argue but it takes two so let me let me share with you we're going to go now into dating and you'll see why it leads into marriage but so far I think the message is very clear marriage is a commitment just like Sinai that there's no turning back what does that mean from one second before Mahmoud has denied one second before MacArthur at the giving of the Torah every single Jew was not born a Jew and that's final you had to choose that lifestyle yesh Morel his mother was a phenomenal today get she was a very very great gr8 and her and his father was Avram Avenal his mother hog I was the top student of sorry Manor and yet Ishmael is not counted as Jewish why not because you have to choose to be Jewish it's not enough to have Jewish parents a sub is the twin brother of Yaakov Eno and he's not Jewish what we aspire do with youth hug his mother was Rivka how cannot be Jewish because until high C night you have to make a personal commitment to your loyalty to God's values but after Iceni there's no turning back it's final it's a one-way street I'm Jewish forever my soul from a Jewish mother finalizes my identity it makes no difference how many mistakes a Jew makes or has mashaallah converts another religion doesn't change the facts on the ground his Mishima is Jewish period so that's the parallel now let's look at dating and move into marriage and try to understand what's the process over here so ladies gentlemen I'm actually going to ask for your help I was in a hotel a number of years ago with envy her Geffen they have weekends for singles there were 96 singles 48 men 48 ladies and Friday night I had to speak about the subject the Lisp you've heard of the Lisp what should be on your list of what you're looking for in a husband in a wife so the men were actually on this side of the room the ladies were on this side of the room it was in a hotel one visual and I asked them what what should be on your list so they came up with all the right answers so help me what should be on the list of a a man and woman looking for a book looking to marry what should be on their list good me dot good character what else good communicator loyalty befriend a friendly love Hashem what looking for little Aldo sorry compassion sympathy modesty a giving type of personality generous hearted you agree listening empathic yes you agree with that one [Music] motherly fatherly good with children takes care of the health you want to add that to the list considerate sensitive little outer sorry patient yeah we'll give 10 out of 10 for that one has a job financially responsible excellent is anything else you wanna add to the list care for each other looking out for the good of his spouse so we came up with much of what you said maybe there were a couple of others and I said you know is there anything else you want on the list okay now I'm going to play with your imagination I'm not manipulating online size from so I'm going to ask you to play along with this what's what we're going to do you go on a date you know exactly what you're looking for you've got all these items you've got a full list a full criteria and you've got the latest app which on your smartphone underneath the coffee table as you meet this young lady this young man and there there has there your tailored list all the items you just gaze sympathy empathy sensitivity generous kind listening compassionate good MoDOT modest has a good job has it's financially responsible whatever you're looking for is on that list and you've got on this app you have a rating so you give a rating to the young man you're meeting or the young lady you're meeting and the ratings from 0 to 10 do you follow here at least 10 is the most and to your similar your your satisfaction you're very very happy so far everything you're looking for everything you're looking for she has he had and the score giving him the score you're giving her is ten out of ten it is a good date so far do you agree okay so you can't believe your luck I mean it's like the mothers Beyond and so you go on a few more days just to check and sure enough every every scenario you you look at this young man this young lady they they fit the criteria you're looking for and they're scoring ten out of ten on everything no matter what you want to add they still scored ten out of ten question this is a question I threw to this audience forty eight men on one side forty eight ladies on the other would you say Mazel Tov yes or no good okay we got a few yeses anyone who said no what was what might be missing okay so if let's say eruption mine was not on my list now I put it on my list I'd go out on another however many things it takes and you're scoring ten out of ten to give up to mine oh so let's say you add communication now to your list and you go on a few more data and you notice he or she is really very good with communication they're very clear very good lessness they they communicate with a gentle voice not with anger with patience and you give them a ten out of ten would you say Mazel Tov yes or no okay so those who say no what's it what's missing so let's say now you put the word connection you define whatever it means for you okay and you want attraction as well again all I'm bringing out the following look whatever you haven't said add it to your list go out again and sure enough they're storing not one or two or three out of ten not six out of ten not eight it's a ten out of ten without any question in your mind so one gentleman said I still wouldn't go outside why not sit well because you've got a click so okay to fix your click and and you go out and you click ten out of ten would you would you say Mazel Tov yes or no okay goodbye Hashem so now listen very carefully you're scoring 10 out of 10 for this person anyone of you who are in any doubt whatsoever listen to the following you're just so shocked that it that he and she are scoring can I depend on everything you're looking for you decide to do much more diligence and you research you check out where their parents their grandparents you check out with their nursery school teacher on the assistant and the therapist has done regression therapy going back five generations Phil Gil Ghulam and everything 10 out of 10 nobody is giving you the slightest indication that you should doubt your score you understand what I'm saying so she's called ten out of ten on what you're looking for he scored 10 out of 10 for what you're looking for and Mazel Tov you get married question does scoring 10 out of 10 for everything you've ever looked for equal a happy marriage yes or no interesting why not why not bring it out why not she's got 10 out of 10 on everything motherly giving listening and to say I think and he score 10 out of 10 why not why won't it equal a happy marriage why not so this gentleman says you don't need each other but let's say you do need each other but and you're very good at communicating you're very respectful and whatever he needs or she needs they look out for each other and you brought out said that there are obstacles that will come up explained what does that mean you see just because you each thing everyone say differences are going to come up that you have never experienced before in a marriage example I'm going to give you an example from the real world actually happened I'm not going to give you too many details you should never know who I'm referring to young lady is abused by her father from childhood I'm talking about serious abuse she's now 23 years old she hasn't seen her father in 10 years and a young man is attracted to her for the following reasons she owns her own company with several employees she's doing very well she's extremely loved a she's very outgoing a happy-go-lucky type personality and as he gets to know her he's in shock did this young lady who is so positive and happy has has not spoken with our Father the last 10 years because he's dangerous he physically abused I'm not going into details you can you can read between the lines and the item that attracted him the most in all her virtues was the fact that here's someone who probably had good reason to be bitter or angry or upset with God or an unhappy person and yet she's bouncing off the walls with joy she just loved life besides being successful in her own little business and having several employees that was the main attraction if this is someone who's gone through hell on earth and bounced back and doesn't live with bitterness and anger and resentment that's a very good starting point for marriage where there's always going to be ups and downs they get married in less than a year of the marriage her father dies and she falls into depression he's blown away this is not the lady he married and he's trying to ask her what is the matter you haven't even seen you're feeding him come to the wedding why are you depressed and here was her answer I never realized that deep down I was really hoping that one day he would apologize to me for all the damage and harm and I never realized that till he died I realized he will never be able to say sorry to me and I didn't realize that was missing until he died and I'm broken now could he have known that she didn't know it you see the point to bring up which is perfectly valid is that things will happen that you and I yourself and you could never have anticipated how you will respond until it happens to Story number two young man young lady they get engaged the biggest virtue he was attracted to her form was on one of the dates it was a Shabbat and they were at a family that in the yeshivas that he belonged to in that community this is the family was very close to they had many children he brings the young lady that he's considering marrying and the children are all over her and she is she the magnet she's so good with young children that clinches it for him because he felt that if I'm going to have a wife who's going to be a devoted mother and loves children so much she's the mother for my children they got engaged ten months later first child is born she falls into depression why because she was finding it very hard to feed this child nurse the child the child was rejecting her she felt rejected and she falls into a depression she doesn't want to have children for a few more years could he have known that could she have known that he's exploring ten out of ten isn't very good but guess what what mattered is not what you score or what your spouse scores before you get married what matters is not who you marry what matters is who are you entering the marriage how will you respond to differences that will come up that you can't possibly have anticipated she didn't know that she could have formed depression and reject her own child whom she felt was rejecting her and that's not uncommon it does happen it doesn't mean it's going to continue that way but what matters is not who you marry nearly as much as who are you entering the marriage true story this one has been published but not what not in the full detail that I'm about to share you which I heard from Rabbi Yaakov Greenwald ruled who I believe heard it from the cousin ish the story house of how the hobbit time first married and why it's not published to the full detail I'm just guessing because they worried that it's not going to make it look good but here's here's the way I heard the story the Bianca rabb-ul Maher Kagan is 16 years old he comes home one day from yeshivah he was sleeping away but came home for been Osmani in between term time his mother had remarried she lost her her husband and she was on al-manar a widow in those days you're talking about the 1800s a widow to support herself was close to impossible without agreeing to marry almost anybody and so she remarried someone of much so to speak lower status station in life over more she would say clued personality and with him he brought his daughter from his previous now she was in our money it he had loved his wife as soon as he set eyes on the youngest romea he wanted this boy for his daughter and the Hobbit crimes mother was distraught she was completely upset about this and when you saw Mia came home she started crying and she he said to mother what's the matter with you and she refused to say after well she couldn't control anyone she was birth to uncontrollable tears and he said mother what why are you crying and then she admitted the truth that her new husband has been putting pressure and pressure and pressure that the young israel mayor who's a child prodigies so starting in zone right already and a town become someone who will easily marry someone of status that will help with a dowry and help support he's someone that is grooming for leadership and she didn't want to hear of this it was a terrible suggestion and she knew it was it is the MoDOT and i don't to go into detail it was not for her son so she told him that truth that her new husband is putting all this pressure on her what was every Sonia's response the young covet kyon mother why are you crying I'll marry her and he did and he still became a comment volume that I was told to me you see the point is really the following who you marry it's not nearly as important as who are you entering in the marriage because if I try to talk if I try to change my husband if I try to change my wife yeah very funny do you know anybody who successfully changed their husband or their wife by trying to change them or make the question much easier do you know anybody in world history who succeeded in changing their husband or their wife I hoping to change them and the answer is it never happened nobody changes anybody the only way to truly change someone's not by force cajoling Nega therapy as I call it no it doesn't work the only way that works is when we change ourselves they respond to a different F when we become more respectful listening empathic patient giving generous understanding when we become more forgiving that's a biggie when we demonstrate our loyalty through thick and thin or for sambar through thick and thick that's when they change in response to a different us so therefore even if someone does score 10 out of 10 it doesn't equal a perfect marriage because there's no such thing the only thing that you and I control is how we you'll with the differences and this brings us to marriage itself Shalom buy it what an interesting expression Shalom you know translates correctly as peace but what is the word Shalom a tional cottage is perfect that means when you you put the word under the microscope turn up the magnitude of the letters and you put the letters together they will reveal to you the mechanics of Shalom of real peace see what's a three-letter root of Shalom Shalom whoo - a lemming whole complete when if it was complete now now it's whole what was it before it was complete incomplete Oh so Shalom Shalom really means different parts complementing each other till it becomes completed do you follow that's a clear Shalom this is important many spare him likutey maja run from rebbe nachman of breslev interrup a I think he brings it the Eco solemn is when your macabre sneha fake him you fuse together you combine together two opposites he brings from the Torah which when it first talks about two opposites coming together Rashi brings his wife is beginning the Torah some Mayan oseh Shalom be me Roma I then you make peace up there above simple meaning is you bring two opposites together and create peace between ash fire from the ball of fire called the local son and my and water on the ocean and you bring them together through gravity and wind and you bring the evaporated water in the form of rain clouds and now sham maíam sham I'm is made up of three combination of words the word ish has letter Aleph at the beginning and there the olive is a silent letter sha maíam say is the Gemara in cardiga dump you'd bet that sure mines made up of two words shammai ms h & maíam you got fire and water frying water how do you get fire water to coexist oh there's a cottage bar oh cool that's making Shalom solemn is when you put two opposites together and you create a whole new entity sure mine how do you get it up there Sean mind's made up of another two words over there is water how'd it get there Sam I am it lifted up from what elevates summons elevate so this these this one word shall mine was made up of three combinations of Asia mine and charmed mine and South my him or say Shalom he makes peace between them the real peace is when we're the same and similar and that's real peace or is real peace when people are not the same not the similar very different and still get along because they're respectful live listening understanding compassionate sensitive everything that you said is what I have to strive to bring to the marriage and no matter how many times I fall and I will make lots of mistakes I will Arlis in front of commit to making this marriage work also marriage is not about how similar we become and less different and I'll prove it to you I was speaking about as most about seven eight years ago in Kutcher's you've heard of Kutcher's I love a solemn so encouragers in the Catskills yeah no it's no longer there Gateway's had seminars for piss off and in column ID rabbi Becker and by tax myself we would rotate going to the Kutcher's from Stanford Connecticut because they had they were holding two programs so in Holland wide Pesa we went to coaches and there about 400 people in the audience I think the average age was about 107 I don't know whether there was one lady there by way whose various coochie 104 years old really all there someone asked what's special about your age she said no peer pressure so I would say the average age was probably close to 75 80 but you know what's interesting I think there's 400 people in this room and let's say the average ages is 50 the ladies are quite happy with that so any accountant taken or if you've got your smartphone if you could quickly do the math what is 400 times 50 but if you want to take a vote one thing about in people 20,000 ladies and gentlemen here was my question I asked an audience of 400 people I tipped them do you realize in this room there are 20,000 years of a cumulative life experience that's amazing and she was much more but I was pretending it's 50 as the average age you're 50 or 50 or 50 times 400 is 20,000 so my questions them and they're people in that room who've been married 60 plus years there were people in the room have been through the first world war ii world war there are they've been around there's nothing that you're going to shock them with they've seen everything pain and suffering everything you can imagine and when I asked them what will make two people happy in marriage and their 20 thousand years of a curative life experience I gave them two options will it be that over many years of marriage we become more and more similar like each other and less different and that's what going to make us happy in our marriage or is it option number two not how similar we become and less different over the years but rather how we deal with the differences how we respond to the differences when there is a difference will it be with love appreciation admiration understanding gratitude love respect empathy sensitivity everything that you said plus how many people in that room said happiness in marriage is number one how similar my husband becomes like me how less different I am to him and that's what can make it happy how many people zero is that extraordinary 20,000 yes yes that's that's four times more 95 five times more than human history there's nobody on planet earth who's going to say after looking back on their lives the what matters the most is how similar we are and less different because that's not where it's at cuz sharland doesn't mean same it means Charlaine it means differences Kol existing Asian Martin could be opposite and still people Shalom so now here's the question we're living in a time in history where there's probably never been more information about dating and marriage than any other time in world history books tapes CDs seminars professionals am i exaggerating there's never been a time in world history with so much information on the dynamics of male/female am i exaggerating was that absolutely accurate wouldn't you think that logic would dictate that since we have so much information so many seminars so much in print so much to listen to on the subject of dating and marriage we must be experiencing the best marriages in world history and I think that would be a fairly logical expectation but does that bear true in reality no we probably never in world history have so much pain associated with manage how is that possible how did that happen so there there's lots of reasons and a lot of them are really seriously valid one of them is commitment Shuttleworth marriage is not an option of our make it work if it's not too hard I'll make it work as long as he doesn't press my buttons too much or she doesn't press my buns too much because now where's the focus on what I'm bringing to the relationship or your performance and what we're saying is even if they score 10 out of 10 on everything that we're looking for in the ideal imagination it still is not reality because the reality is always not you but Who am I in the relationship so comes long Hakadosh barukh who and he gives us the clue that this is the truth right at the beginning of creation of man because that's where you can get all the clues to the whole profile of man and woman marriage because that's where he describes the creation of man and woman and right there you're going to see the words scream' out what we've just concluded the marriage for it to be happy is more about who i am entering the marriage not who's the other person so someone of the caliber of the javert ayam is capable of saying I'm not worried about marrying someone who's not like me of of the same because guess what if I treat her with a lot of love and admiration and appreciation and giving and respect guess what's going to happen what will happen will that person starts muttering and take advantage or will they feel oh my gosh you genuinely appreciate me even when I make mistakes you're forgiving and listening and give another and we done have good and you're always looking for a favorable interpretation for my mistakes what's going to happen come I'm a Panama Panama just like waters reflect your facial expressions without any deviation cane leather Arden Adam so is the mind and heart of one person to another if you really want to change your spouse says Lamar malar cane labor Adam Ladd um if I really want to change you then guess what just like waters reflect my facial expressions what I'm thinking and feeling is what you're going to think and feel so if I really want to change you where should I begin what am I saying to myself up here that affects what I feel about you that's where I need to begin because that's the only starting place and as long as I blame my wife my husband I gave you the one and I start giving you a list of all that you messed up it's all your fault your shirt your favor so didn't mean to wake you up I'm sorry a big bun so when when I accuse and blame when I complain and deny when I give excuses a accused be blamed see complained Eden ie give excuses it's the ABCDE of getting out of responsibility for changing the only person I was created to change and God says it right at the beginning of the Quran muttered hayaat Adam livid or it's not good for man to be alone SLO is their connect Don I will therefore make for him and Ezer a partner someone who's going to assist in their growth connect go against him opposite him comes along the Torah look carefully it does not say Lata's Liat Azam livid on what hayaat mean verses ling of liya means to be alone hey OTT you can translate as lonely but actually hayaat is a verbal noun that means to say it's what you're being right now the difference between Li hot livid or to be alone that's referring to when I don't have company I don't have people to share my life with my dreams my disappointments to emphasize with me to be joyous and celebrate with me when things go right and cry when I'm in pain that blue yacht livid or but God doesn't say that he says Lord hey hey up means I'm alone without myself I don't know me and the only way I can really know me is if God helps me by giving me a spouse a husband a wife that's going to be like a mirror so I get to see me oh close up with all the kinks in my armor and the slight deviations in my personality are going to show up in the mirror it's not good for a person to be alone where he doesn't know himself that's terrible not to do myself I can't be alone myself I got to be connected to my text and my iPhone and my smartphone and a screen and on the phone and on Shabbat if it wasn't for prayers and the rituals of kaduche and the meal and socializing maybe what would happen if I was really alone for a few minutes when I get fidgety or would I enjoy my company enjoy myself and in that enjoyment sense gratitude for who we are as Jews lo told hey Adam love our door means God says I have put you in this world to become a tad eek it's a decade and I decided I'm going to make it easy for you I'm gonna give you a coach who's going to help you along the way and here's her name is husband and wife and if we're really blessed to get a few more coaches to help us become Sonny Kim he sends us children ah miracle marriage was hard oh my god anyone here who has teenagers will understand why some animals eat their young a pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever please I really love kids don't get me wrong I just made my finish making my entire house childproof but they're still getting in no don't get me I read to like kids someone was awesome to ever hit my kid never never ever hit my kid except in self-defense look if you thought marriage was not easy ha ha ha try raising children comes along a cloud a sparkle and says I'm going to make your life a bit easier now I'm putting you in a world where you're going to go for a gold medal in the righteous Olympics because the moment you're Mishima was about to enter your body it refused point-blank I'm not entering and God says why not and then the Shema says because if the body I enter does I've erupt I might come back to you when I die when the body dies I'll come back to you worse than when I came because what I'm entering puberty I'm going to come out with all sorts of stains on my don't send me and the chances of me coming up you're less likely and God says um you have to go in and he makes me make a shovel 1 a promise an oath TSR dick the Altea russia be righteous don't be not righteous and so Cara Sparkle says but I'm going to help you along the way marriage children not always an easy boss not always easy neighbor not always easy grandchildren not always easy father or mother in-law so just swallowing just swallowing sorry father-in-law Hebrew da friend co-worker clients have you covered everybody I Gladys bar who is in the business not of hurting us but helping us become the best we can become and when I blow it losing my patience I blow it not being as loyal as I should be I blow it with anger I blow it with not listening and being empathic what does God do says you know don't worry I'll give you another chance so he sends into the room a few seconds later the same person who just press for my bottom to give me another chance to flex my righteous muscles and become thr deke we're in this world to improve ourselves and marriage is an accelerator and it's not about who I marry nearly as much as who are we entering the marriage I'm going to close on a few practicals much of which I took actually from the 10 commandments of marriage from rabbi victor miller of blessed memory and he told us and his very this is really important to know number one stay focused on what matters the most we're up here famous story he quotes from the gamer up in nearby Mott Sam Gilliam where appear the great rib here repear was was considered greater even than our Bane Ricardo's Robby no goddess admitted that the deeds of repeal was greater than his Raveena colas wrote the Mishnah he saves the doors of our breath and yet he would say that up here it appear was a phenomenal personality he's once walking through the marketplace with his nephew the famous rub rubbles was his nephew they mentioned in the camera all the time rapira had a wife who was very abusive in public she would disdain put him down embarrass him frequently and it was to the Chadron and and and humiliation of his own students and his children and yet while he's walking through the marketplace repear is busy finding something that he knows his wife would enjoy he buys it wraps it up in his scarf takes it home and Rob his nephew and student says remaineth everyone knows that my aunt your your wife is really really tough why are you looking out for some what why why are you buying her something do you know what his answer was his answer by the way was generic he didn't give an answer for how he deals with marriage he gave an answer that's generic to everybody he said there are two reasons to virtues my wife has that for those two alone I owe her my love and respect and therefore everything else is drowned out by these two virtues they're so big what are they daiei no it's enough she got lean with bunny know that she go through childbirth pregnancy childbirth I was not always easy labor and Sajid upon him and raising that child she's the one who's the most affected by bringing children to the world most connected to the child that is emotionally connected to the ups and downs of that child now II know it's enough for us to love our wives alone just because they go through what they go through and bringing our children into the world or Marcille a Newman ahead and they save us from looking at other women that I might otherwise do because my wife provides what the famous expression pad pistol or bread in the basket because I'll tell us many times our sages remind us that someone who's hungry because he's fasting and has no food in the refrigerator to break his fast is suffering much more than someone that fasting but there's food in the fridge rate of when he breaks the fast it's an expression that a husband and wife - even though they've got differences but in the bedroom they are loyal to each other they don't use the bedroom as leverage against each other that's it their bedroom no such thing comes along rub here and says for these two items alone raise our children and number to provide that a husband and wife are in the area of intimacy they are giving to each other and not holding back and therefore God forbid the husband doesn't get starved and has to look after Shalem elsewhere he would be wrong for doing that but says rupiah those two items alone drown out completely anything else she might do wrong and therefore it's not he's in denial of when she's not that nice even in public is so focused on the good that matters the most so number one says rabbi a big Tamila never use the bedroom as leverage against one spouse never say that's it I'm not going to the mixer this month never say I'm so angry with you I'm not sleeping in the same room says arbic de Mello no matter what the differences are stay in the bedroom because it has such a long husband wife separate from that room it has to some could be the beginning of a bigger separation don't go there and if one has done it apologize and don't do it again so it's rabbi Victor Miller I'm just going to say it once keep parents-in-law out of your marriage don't share with them information about differences between you it's very hard for a father or mother to stay impartial neutral without taking a position and it's usually only a matter of time it might be months it might be yours and then they they take aside and they can take a side way way too far don't invite other people including Aran's and parents-in-law into what's going on in your marriage marriage whatever differences are belong between husband and wife if they can't set up between them so go to your local rabbi go to someone who's got a reputation as a professional but don't share with neighbors don't share with friends unless these are friends who you know are going to be there to support both of you but not take sides it's very hard not to take sides comes along rabbi victor miller he says no matter what the differences are don't let the routine of marriage stop what does that mean don't let in don't let differences mean right that's it I'm not going to work today well the routine of marriage you go to work for a family that's it no more bedroom that's it I'm not making meals no the routine of marriage continues says not by Victor Miller where do we learn this from we are supposed to emulate a cottage barkal Hashem now does Hashem ever have reason to be slightly upset with us we're happy I can't believe it how many times you read yourself don't speak loshon hora and then who is where are your mouths you know what that's it I can't take it anymore no gravity for you for a week well now why why does God wake me up the next morning why does he keep giving us another chance why didn't he just wrap up straight away no sunshine no gravity no rainfall no it's because Hashem said look I've got a contract it's called a marriage and in my marriage contract gravity rain fall sunshine are given that's the routine of life so even when you mess up I'm going to keep my part of the contract now second paragraph of Gretsch map you'll see that there is such a thing as it has to show up collectively the Jewish people don't keep our same timeit's what but it could affect the rain but I'm just bring out a very simple point here the routine of marriage bus continue comes along rabbi Victor mill any offers if I make a mistake I apologize when not if when I make a mistake what should I do ASAP as soon as possible apologize appease the other person and what should that other person do when we apologize or bring a gift or try to appease them what should they do forgive accept the appeasement says rabbi victim Allah where do we learn that from from a college bar cool where do we learn that so he quotes the Gemara in you ma da sam octets which tells us hama that'd be a no shell kuvira someone who is appeased by the wine of his friend they got into a tip they had a sixth look a conflict between them and the one of them felt bad and brought a bottle of wine to appease his friend what should you do take the wine draw two drinks make Lahaie in and Biba Shalom me a success the Gemara hama started be a no-show cavero someone who allows himself to be appeased by the wine of his friend yesh loan me dhadkan or he has the mindset of his creator shanem are as we learned from Noah Noah came out of the tipper he came out of the ark he sees total destruction and he falls on his knees onto the ground in uncontrollable tears and says to the banila master of the universe why didn't you have rather him on your creation there was total silence no tweets of any birds there were no noise of any animals no children playing complete utter silence of destruction and a chorus policies back to Noah well sure tear you foolish Shepherd when I first told you I'm going to destroy the world you were at the peak you did what you were told built an ark you want houses you didn't go beyond being a Sadiq you didn't beg me to save the world why now I'll start destroyed it now you're saying why didn't I have raka mean so the insinuation the hint was who was responsible for the destruction the highly prayed then arson would have saved the world you understand the the insinuation no off by the way had a very good self-esteem and he responded Virgil I'm I thought about that but it appeared to me that the generations were the generation was so wicked they would not have deserved your Ottoman so I didn't I didn't pray for them you know oceans on to us you're right they were so wicked that your tepee lot would have not helped to save the world but there's no such thing as wasted Kapila I would have held your prayers in escrow for a future generation and you as a Saddiq of that generation should have prayed for them now what does not do what's the next thing he does Parrothead what does he do before he got drunk that imperative what did to impair okay he makes them his bear and he brings Cod by not to appease Hashem what is a Shem say Hashem smelt the rear knee hoorah the sweet smelling fragrance of the offering and a Shem makes a promise on the spot what's the promise I will never destroy the world again says the Gemara what is that Shem teaching us because I shall have no nose HM doesn't it smell a Shem doesn't need other people's offerings says run bum whenever the Torah describes God in human terms it's always describing how we're supposed to get along with each other because God doesn't have any description of an outstretched arm God doesn't see with eyes he sees without eyes as doesn't need ears to listen he hears everything without ears he knows what's going on in our minds without any other technology Hashem describes himself in human terms so we can learn how to be with each other Hashem smells the sweet smelling fragrance of this barbecue steak and he says I'm never going to bring a mobile again destruction to the world through a flood says rabbi Vic de Miller next time husband and wife have a slight difference between them and a few sharp words go between them and then the wife what does she do makes his favorite space and he comes into the kitchen ok so just pay the stick oh ok ok and he starts eating it what what is reaction be don't try and bribe me I know this is just sick I'm not an idiot says I gotta Sparkle if someone makes a gesture of Shalom to come together with the differences don't reject it accept the appeasement so what he should do is eat the steak oh the little you know what I I really apologize for those sharp words I said before I'm still writing you're wrong but I really apologize for you think it's not about right or wrong you can still believe what he wants to believe that he's got to apologize and mean it and want to get back to Shalom and if she's the first one could she smarter for making the gesture and providing his favorite food he should immediately take advantage of that appeasement and be appeased because God says if you accept the gesture of someone else to make Shalom you've got my mindset because that's what I promised Noah I didn't need a stake it means nothing to me to smell but I'm teaching mankind whenever there's a difference look for the first opportunity to be appeased and the other person should grab it make peace as soon as possible Shana is Jonah first year of marriage says rabbi baba of blessed memory last 15 years the first year marriage last 15 years it takes a long time to iron out the differences and even then it's not the differences it's how well we respond how listening giving respectful apologetic kind less sharp less accusative less blaming less complaining less denying less excusing until eventually we don't use the ABCDE accusing blaming complaining denying accusing to get out of responsibility for changing the only person you and I were created to change our very selves there's more to be said on this important subject I will share with you you may have heard this one before I'm not sure the Mossad was looking for a new assassin who's going to be going to dangerous places and getting rid of our one or two enemies and a thousand candidates our screen amongst them out some ladies as well and finally it comes down to three people two men and one lady first man walks in and the Mossad secret police give him a gun and they say in that room over there sitting on a chair is your wife go inside shoot and kill her he looks at them to your mind I don't when you don't kill my wife didn't get out of here I just don't have what it takes they call in a second candidate to be the top assassin for the Mossad and I give him a gun and they tell him in that room as your wife sitting on a chair take this gun go inside shouldn't kill her he takes the gun he walks about three steps because was it what my mother by children up I can't do this you don't have the metal get out of here so they calling the lady and they give her a gun just they say sitting in that room on a chair is your husband go inside and she'll kill him she takes the gun walks inside the room closed door bang aah crash bang ah oh it's great she came down on screaming this feeling gun was filled with blanks I had a beat him to death with a chair now what they go to do a marriage don't ever let it get that bad marriage is a sham design for us to grow with our differences it's not about changing anybody it's about being more loving appreciative giving even when not if anyone when you don't like their parenting the way they ran the finances choice of clothes hairstyle or whatever it is it makes no difference it's not the differences that force people apart it's not being able to handle the differences that force people apart in the hood in the merit of knowing that Shalom is coexistence of the differences it's not being the same and in the mayor of knowing there's no such thing as ten out of ten all the time the person I have to be focused on is not my husband wife changing or my teenager or my kids the person I need to be completely focused on is Who am I in this marriage Who am I in the dating process because that's the person who's bringing value to the relationship that eventually the other person will say oh my gosh this husband this wife is so good to me and so loving and giving even when they make a mistake and I apologize or I appease he accepts and we learn to get along with the differences in that hood maybe the ones who fulfill the Zohar which says one show of Chillon is enough to bring the Machir it's a sad statement the sad statement it oh it would only take just one jewel of ten people to be bhushanam could bring Michelle who knows maybe maybe it's this sure but in the suit of knowing that we're making Shalom in our own home with our children with our spouses we should be so head to all Hashem blessings who says I want to bless you with everything I've got but three-masted bracha is Shalom God that you're [Applause]