Family Matters - Q&A - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] so I said before I'd open this up for any questions you can answer now I'm he de bruit I have a show called marriage matters every week i fill little short videos and we have writers from around the world writing their questions but now's a live opportunity he's of course to ask your questions as hopefully I'll have it I'm going to repeat your question so people can hear more clearly you could ask about marriage you could ask about teams at risk after about a book on statistical at risk never beyond reach these are now available on Amazon as well about Felicity but I could talk about teens at risk Marik's therapy I deal a lot with singles having seducing problems help a lot of singles get married before some trauma they need to do with post-traumatic stress disorder or various other things so please vote for yes any questions in thank you however in Germany Germany from scenarios I'm keeping your valves opening itself 16 progress I can't forget after I forgive but I'll never forget and that bad because I hold that against pension plans would never talk sense of logic and fulfill them only high bids family people that hurt you I try for you to forgive my torture let go yeah well um two things I want to say about that one is I'll give from the Torah perspective and psychology perspective the Turkish money there is a therapy for trauma painful trauma called EMDR eye movement desensitization reprocessing and a wonderful therapist about 33 years ago despite dr. Francine Shapiro developed a system grounded system in psychology where she helps people overcome post-traumatic stress or pain from the past by actually going through the trauma with them and doing something these are movements left right eye movements and it actually turned out to be very successful for many many people around the world her therapy was initially used for soldiers coming back for more it's extensively as the narrative so many people trained in the ng our first degree trauma when they first experience it a long-term trauma you know what post-traumatic stress disorder is put PTSD is when somebody experiences something very painful their lives they've been hurt by people they entron Atty you know overwhelmed by that experience teres accident abuse deaths in the family something very tragic like that and the problem is the court to Francine Shapiro we tend to repress a lot of our feelings to just survive the human being doesn't like to feel pain for a long period of time what do we do we repress our thoughts and kind of push them away and move on but here's the problem our unconscious mind holds on to what we try to forget it stays it forever and she believes it's unsettled in your brain it sits there it never settled the way you never got spot you know on Windows you file your files or in your file and husband's web it never got fouled away properly so it's hanging out there in your unconscious life and that's what PTSD is something triggers that that piece that is unresolved you're sitting down somewhere you're talking to somebody you smell something you see something have a deja of really kind of retrigger back to it so she believed that you actually until you go back to the trauma and you reorganize it with a therapist calmly with them or training licensed therapist support it's going to stay there so she showed that you can actually go back reorganize a trauma by going through with eye movements and actually heals a lot of traumatic experiences that's one thing would be a helpful therapy for forgetting actually not just forgetting to call it organizing it doesn't bother you as much for me was that you'd have yeah she believes you go back into the trauma with a trained therapist who's training the mzr and it helps you reorganize it so if one is painful that would be one to us the other suggestion I write it down the book is the remark moshe cordovero this will directly answer a question for the Turner wrote a book called the Tomer Devorah teller Devore many of you probably heard of and the Tomer Devorah is based upon a soup from me huh it just starts me Kalka mocha toaster oven valve our passion the famous possibly read different times an empty portrait and there are 13 levels of a cutter sparkles rock I mean his mercifulness is compassion for reauthorization and their progressively more compassionate as you read these it it's a fantastic book so somebody is left with a regret or anger or can't forget it can forgive so he brings 500 years ago a psychological system according to karma by emulating how God is compassionate the world we need to emulate God's rockem 'man forgiveness just as one example you know imagine that cutter Sparkle gives us cos he gives us strength he gives us food he gives us free will he gives us a house and we've used it by breaking Shabbat and we don't keep kosher so Hashem gives us something we look at it and we take what he gave us we throw packaging but even so it says the summers of our color Sparkle forgives even people that he gives goodness to that don't give it back to them so we need to also learn to forgive even people that hurt us so I'm just introducing this today I suggest you could look at homeland Aurora but I've asked some of my clients over the years to consider at least in my office for a few seconds experience what it would feel like for 30 seconds even if you don't do it really but just try to imagine it that you forgive somebody that hurt them imagine them so I'm going to give you a chance down think about somebody that's hurt you and to spend a few seconds I would contemplate forgiving them and how much more so to do what the Tomer Devorah says and actually say forgive you to the person I've seen it dramatically reduce depression very quickly for giving somebody the hurry so forgiveness on this level and who could aspire to such forgiveness work we have the Torah which asks us to do this in the summer davara consider forgiving those who hurt us and see how you feel emotionally and see if you can let go of the resentment and help you another question does like and then when I when I decided I encouraged by the present when I recognize that from my cell I went over to everybody I forgive you like in that and I'm saying this out loud because I want to hear we take 2x review and I thought like I don't want to cause like off of it if I feel something against do that [Music] like had something against oh there's a good quote some harm like something connected so when I did that I felt like I felt remember slows all night like I felt slow classical like a weight off my shoulders when I went over them even though like I would turn and I this was needed I didn't let go when I realized it was from Hashem and we just like I said okay like I accept I don't understand why that happened and wrote the wisest person was chosen this to me when I went over and it does actually I liked it really that I felt look it over just sent edited but well in other words I'm going to repeat the question for my microphone but you're saying that when you realize that the person that hurt you that actually came from without a sparkle that message you felt you felt relieved sense of tremendous you did when I was time on the book you went beyond yourself you went to a higher level he couldn't easily from a psychological perspective experience forgiveness but when you went to the higher level you scribe to a higher value system of this God must go to parties when is God in the world you just tear self into that level you found a certain empowerment that perhaps even psychology couldn't offer you so I'm just mentioning such immensely powerful thing you did yeah I'm gonna repeat your question so they can have fun in further many SS cheering there can even sort him in this level that she thing but would she have well if I understand your question correctly is a young woman who was treated very badly by her husband and many years later or several years later she still feels intimidated by him and bad in his presence yeah well exhales I'm sorry well so what exactly is the question could she do that but still well does she have to go back to the person who hurt her you know so what you're saying is that she could forgive somebody and even really did some Licata Sparkle but could she get back to the level that she did we should get back to the person do you mean even a simple relationship uh-huh even though the divorce years later uh well we're not molesting you know I don't think maybe it's the king could achieve such forgiveness and look at a person compounded I think we have to be reasonable if this person or ex-husband was abusive hurt her and was a means all right I would imagine be very difficult and be better for her to to to move on with her life and and late other people more effectively I could say however that this brings up the question about if somebody was abused by their parents also somebody's abused by somebody you know I want to be very clear about this the first thing you need to do if you're abused is protect yourself even if it's difficult a difficult message for the abuser so to speak I am very careful with this in therapy with people you know when I talk about forgiveness when I talk about finding a higher meaning in your life that's all very nice but number one is are you safe so let me make that very clear person who's abused has to distance himself from the user and take care of themselves they may want to go through a process that they may have post-traumatic stress disorder we get healing from a therapist who doesn t are to work through the post-traumatic stress native experience but I don't often say that the the victim should expose himself to the to the perpetrator so if that's what you're hinting at I would caution distance and to move on to something else and not to feel they have to feel good I mean it's very hard and when I was mentioning forgiving people Irish you know mentioned somebody that's insulted he wants you know who took something that they shouldn't have taken from your house and felt bad or somebody wasn't polite to ensure that's what I was talking about but somebody was abused and like to say is in a different level has too much attention yeah I just I'm a little bit confused about what Viktor Frankl says that we must go beyond ourselves we must help others behind a deeper sound the purpose was confused and like I already have a natural tendency to do that I have natural times do you want to tell people too much and my own demise not actually on my own is it my purpose just help ever what is it very much oh you're asking the question is is it a person's purpose to just help other people your own demise so friends are like yeah I know some survivors and I cozy how do you right right oh great question so the question was how do you balance out post-traumatic stress disorder from people versus helping other people too much well let me introduce you to another topic for another book or philosophy or psychology that image and tonight that of a woman in p.m. melody PIAA the word melody with two L's again turner book calls facing codependence and what you're bringing up is a bit of you know codependency it's a little beyond our lecture tonight but let's just spend a few minutes on codependency many of you heard of the term codependent up short the term design either be a melody coin she's one of the people that coined the term or brought it to life in modern psychology what is codependency codependency is a term which emerges from the world of addiction therapy they started noticing many years ago from Alcoholics Anonymous and people then were dealing with a husband or wife or a child a spouse and had an addiction to anything drugs alcohol internet whatever that there's a tendency of their partner or their child to become codependent codependent would be a classic case of codependency would be where a life desperately wants her husband to love her but she knows alcohol is terrible for him but he says Dell justice once honey it's a few bucks another drink is you she's worried he's not going to love her so she gives him the money that's holds codependent she's just desperate for his loves she gives in to his addiction so what they stand with PA melody writes about brilliantly is that they found this exists throughout society even without addictions people that are codependent codependency is really coming down to the level of self esteem codependency means that that I depend on you to feel good about myself that's codependent I'm dependent upon you my own self-worth so to speak so in the codependency movement we try to show people how do you empower themselves or working on their own self-esteem regardless the other person without the other person and I just instruct you to to get this book facing codependence fight by a melody because I think she beautifully works out she works at five core symptoms of codependency so one has to find a balance and the torah talks about this balance the Rambam for example talks a lot about finding balance in relationships and all the things that we did so he talked about finding a she'll as a hub darahannah mote so we call them sensitive got a middle pathway between extremes so if your and this is female initiative if you're never worried about other people that's the opposite of being too worried about other people so being too self-absorbed what we call narcissist very damaging but on the other end what's the opposite of narcissism to worry about other people you just live for other people that's called codependent if you find yourself in any poles or extremes you need to find a balance between the two that's what the Rambam was talking about hook-up days you talked about finding balance in two extremes so we all have to watch ourselves so we too dependent or are we not caring at all for other people so I think your answer would come in that realm not specifically in Viktor Frankl I don't think he was referring to it I would refer you more to the codependency ideas psychology the help works through too much you know feeling too responsible enough we see people getting too responsible when they've experienced problem that's an often a symptom of people that have experienced abuse tend to be codependent they tend to become dependent on their abuser at times they can't break free from the abuser they may also be too dependent on their spouse let's say their father abused them and now they become too dependent on their spouse you know self-actualize differentiators we call Family Therapy so these problems exist in human relationships what else we'll watch them and find the balance between being to self-censor or the opposite being to so much caring that they forget themselves the real answer exists in finding a balance between the self and the other the question I'm not clear liquidy has become a medieval war like super care that you learn and they treat a lot of better I'm not clear when to carry other is like well I don't think a rabbis necessarily codependent it is good to help everybody I'm sure many ravening may suffer if they don't take any time for themselves so even a rabbi need to take a vacation to exercise eat well and to take breaks yes make a zone Chaves I guess as you can make it on Thomas because he's working on Thomas the cage me collect people have to find even the Rambam I would refer to the run by me postulate exercise and dieting game fairs oneself as well finding balance at some point because if you don't nurture yourself if you don't renew yourself you can help anybody else in life so even givers acceptor study came that could give and giving kids everybody else it's high falutin themselves to renew themselves you know like Isabel suck up and like action you know no way else is there to another idea well we know that begins at home and life you have to help others right the language well we know that we know that tested can be distorted and we know that gerak can be distorted so according to the Torah the distortion of classes licentiousness and the distortion of Gabor is murder so we have to be careful not to distort what we need is a balance between right and left and see ferret beauty is balance we find between these two Colgan to keep in the money I yeah I mean no cuff it's the oil still heavily I mean Camila reddit so we have to find a balance and we see that in parenting as well we see we have to find that these concepts of balance emotional balance everything between husband and wife parent and child parents and teacher and students and so everything has to find it a right balance intestine and Uemura find psychological balance we'll take one more question yeah I'm connected to degree would never answer my question I tried hard what do you do it so hard boy this is the hand how much time do I have I think I can answer that in another lecture I'll give one on to the fame if you want because one of the things I deal with as a psychologist as a Family Therapist are people having difficulty getting married and I deal with something called attachment theory which is a study of attachment people find it difficult to get close to one another how they distance one another and I think most of the studies would but I would refer you to a psychologist named sue Johnson where the book called hold me tight and actually train with her he's one of the world's leading marriage therapist and she bases her writings on this idea of something called attachment theory created by fella named John Bowlby in England it's one of the most profound theories in family therapy and extremely helpful for individuals there's also a fantastic book that I give out to singles they're having trouble getting married it's called attached attached simply the website is called attached to the book calm a fantastic read on how singles have wife singles have difficulty getting attached married and two film named levain and Israeli psychiatrist who wrote the book in an American social worker so the short answer on one foot I would suggest we look into the book attached and perhaps in future lectures I'll address more about you to think well the website is called attached to the book calm but the book is simply called attached by a mere levine but antastic work on question will have difficulty in the silikal sooo Johnson's book is called hold me tight it's a great book on marriage therapy based upon what she created called emotionally focused therapy which I've been trained in which I do with couples okay it's a girls and boys but girls read it more than boys unfortunately the truth is the guys need the book more the girls understand that intuitively guys I don't right women tend to have a greater intuitive sense of relationships and that's the work zone but then I don't read the book so I wonder little job I won I still love the book my book is talking about the ideas of Viktor Frankl and the Torah had to use them to achieve a greater sense of happiness that's my entire book I have two parts rubric I have the books about overcome depression and anxiety using the ideas in the Torah and psychology Viktor Frankl and I also the second part of the book I have a translation of hobo pavlovo duties with a heart sharpie to hone the gate of trust and they broke it down as a daily reader and I ask people to study sharbat Dehon every day a little part of it whatever you say strange everything I said is did you I wrote a book called getting closer about marriage I wrote a book called mattress never beyond reach and teens at risk and now I have a new book well think it will be good on positive psychology I'm actually writing another one on marriage right now take another two years yeah another - the way to watch my videos again and my writings my website is it will be good calm it will be good calm it will be good calm is my website I have lots of videos and information on what I do and I'm on he's a brute every week amazing books a book on flesh thankfully clapping thank good book and I'm on my focus now it's out of print now can you just sort of us if the book is available by mine yours still my book so I'm not probably just telling you if you want to get the book available on Amazon I think that it will be good Daniel Shawn boskie cannot copy the ice with a horse flappers also have some copies left