Do You Really Want a Happy Life Together? - Rabbi Refael Ribacoff

[Music] In terms of what to say to couples that are out there in the secular world, they compare it to a tea kettle on the fire. You put the water into the pot, it starts to boil. It starts to give off a lot of noise. It's very exciting. It's very good. But once you take it off, take it off the fire, put on the counter, it starts to fizzle out. It starts to get cold. So in the secular world, that's what they compare marriage. It's all exciting in the beginning. It's all passion. It's all love. And then after a while, it just starts to fizzle out. But I heard something even better. You want to make the tea. So you grab for the little tea bag. And the tea bag is really cute. Comes in a little package. Smells good. and then you open it up and you see there's some strings attached to the whole thing and before you know it you dunk yourself into hot water and after a while it doesn't make any more sense. But that's a secular view of what marriage is all about and for us within the Bkhar community and beyond we have the rabbis that are here to teach us the correct way. What does the Torah want from us? What does Hashem want in his infinite wisdom when he decided that man and woman should get married to each other? If you ask anybody, it's set up for disaster. And we see the world out there today, 50% plus divorce rate and so on and so forth. And within the community itself, it's it's taken its toll. But we have to understand that the Torah is timeless. The Torah has the answers and the Torah has the guidance that we need. If I can quote Rabbi Kavas is he says it's not the fact that they have that are not successful in their married life. It's because they're not educated enough to understand. He says and he claims I can take any man or woman teach them what they need to know about married life and they'll be able to have a happy life together with each other. I truly believe that if you have the correct education, you have the right mentors, you have the right guidance in your life, you'll be able to succeed in your married life and we should be to have the wonderful marriages that we're supposed to have and we should have and be the examples for our children in order to raise them in the right way. I guess religion is always a tough a sticky subject between the couples. A lot of times the question is uh when you first were going out when you decided to get married to to this individual what level were they holding by? Did you know um that they were on a different level than you to begin with or you're both on the same level and things start to change after you got married? Um so that always plays an important part in terms of you married me this is who I was this is who I am and why don't you accept me it was fine then why is it a problem now? uh when things do change over time um it's never easy because other person has to be willing to accept upon themselves religion whether it's keeping Shabbat or for a woman to dress mine or to cover her hair or for the husband to get up early to go to Davening or to learn. So it's always a challenge but the main thing is to remember you can never force religion on another individual. It has to be done with patience or with time. If they have the proper guidance, if they if you push them, motivate them, encourage them to want to grow or or to give them at least an opportunity to have a support group or to go to classes or to shurim or to sh but they have other people that can influence them as well. So sometimes you can say the same thing over and over and over again and it doesn't hit home. But then when somebody else says something all of a sudden, oh this this person told me something and I know and I've been telling you this all the time. How come you don't get it? So sometimes it doesn't have to come from you. It has to come from somebody else, from a third party in order for them to understand that. But the main thing to remember is don't force it. Don't be upset. Accept them for who they are. And just like even for yourself, the religion aspect of it doesn't happen overnight. It took time. It was a process in terms of when you got to that point. So give them an opportunity as well and work with them. Be patient with them. Try to learn with them or give them the right opportunities that they should have the support group or other people to try to help them and to help them grow as well. The effort is based on whose judgment. um if the husband is doing his best effort that's what he feels is the right thing to do but it might not be what the wife wants or needs and therefore he's I won't say wasting his time but he's not hitting the mark because he's not addressing the problem of the wife um there's a famous um author who came up with what's called the five love languages um I definitely recommend it for everyone to read it and to understand it that everyone has their own love language that they need in their life and everyone is So the problem that you have is that if you think that your love language is whether it's um caring behaviors or or touch or whatever it is. So you judge the other person based on what you need or want for your own love language or what things that you want done to you. So therefore you think that the other person wants that same thing. You cannot use yourself as the barometer to understand what the other person wants based on what it is that you want. You have to learn what is the other person wants and needs. And that's our job. and and and as a guy, you know that the woman they're they're not very open in terms of expressing what they want or what they need. They just want to see if the guy is is listening every once in a while and paying attention at times when she drops a little hint. So, this is what she wants. Does he get it or not? And therefore, you have to understand that that that part of the marriage game will say is trying to nitpick the other person's brain to try to understand what it is that they want and they need. And our job over time is that the other person should at least encourage and help the other person understand what they want and need because otherwise you know he he's doing he feels frustrated that I'm trying so hard but it's not really getting anywhere. So the main thing is as was mentioned before in terms of communication sitting down try to understand each other and try to take the opportunity to try to understand the other person better in order for you to be able to give to them and not just do whatever you want and think is the right thing to do and they shall understand even the garra says that the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law. Not for everyone but there is there is a tugof war that's going on over there between the mother-in-law and the wife. The mother raised up the child, pregnant, giving birth, sleepless nights. He is what he is today because of the mother. She fed him. She clothed him. She took care of him. And all of a sudden, this little girl comes around, wraps him around his little finger and wishes him off and takes care of him. And and she knows how to take care of my Sunny Bunny. I know how to make his eggs. I know how to fold up his laundry. I take care of his bed. No, I I I know I'm going to take care of him. She doesn't know anything. I need to teach her. And unfortunately, they grew up in that in that society, that mentality where their mother-in-law took care of them and the little broom and uh she taught her how to take care of it. But it doesn't really work today in America. So, I tell the guys, the hardest question you'll have to deal with in life is having to choose between your mother and your wife. It's Thursday afternoon. Your mommy calls. Hi, Jonah. How are you? How's everything? How's it going? It's been a long time since he's been to our house for Shabbat. What do you say you guys come over for Shabbat? We'll have a nice dinner together or get together. You know, the family, we miss you. And the guy, of course, wants to get away. Wants to go visit his mommy. But he's a nice guy. He tells his he tells his mother, "Listen, wait, I okay, I I I you know, I really want to come, but let me double check with my wife. Let me get back to you. We'll we'll call you back later time." No worry. Call me. I'll wait for you. Make sure it's a yes. Bye-bye. He comes home all excited. Jonah, listen. You don't have to cook tonight for Shabbat. Listen, we're going to our parents house. Don't worry about it. Everything's taken care of. Let's go. She invited us over. Everything's fine. His wife's like, "I really wanted to stay home. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I spent a nice time together with you, a nice candle at dinner, you know, just the two of us alone. I don't want to go to your parents house." What do you do? What's the answer? So if you think about it, we just read last week in the ten commandments number five. It's way up there. You have to honor the parents. You would think that what the Torah says you got to go to your parents house. And even in it says that the wife has to honor respect her husband's parents because by respecting them she respects them. She has to respect him too. So you would think that what the Torah says you have to go, the says you have to go. But what's the right answer? The answer is you go, you stay home, you spend time with your wife. So I asked the guys, how is that possible? Where does it say in the Torah that Shalom trumps and beats out on number five of the ten commandments? How do you know this? Where does it say? So says you know but because it says in the beginning a person has to get married has to leave his parents house has to ping to his wife become one that's very nice I'll give you a different answer if you want I asked the guys when does your connection with your fiance with your wife begin does it start underneath the ka when you put the little ring on the finger does it start by the engagement when you give her the engagement ring does it start on the first date or does it even begin when you make that first phone call to go out with her and every guy will say something else the first date the phone call okay I said you're wrong there's another answer I didn't tell you we know the zor tells us that before you and your wife get married you are one nishama up in the sky you're one soul and when the time came for you to become born and time came for her to be born cuts this nishama up in half and half goes to her and half goes to You you come to this world blah blah blah blah and then you come to get married together with each other in this world. The connection that you have with your life is even older and stronger than is with your parents. How can that be? Because the Torah tells us there are three partners in the creation of a child. There's the mother, there's the father and the parents give you your physical body and Hashem gives you the parents bring you into this world. If you ask the guy a question, when does begin? When does it start? When you're born. They bring you into this world. They took care of you. The rabbis explain comes from the from the idea of showing goodness and respect and honor and and for all the good that they've done for you. They raised you, took care of you, they housed you, they clothed you, they gave you everything you ever wanted. Out of the goodness of my heart, the the least I can do for them is to is to honor and respect them. And the Bahans have a saying, one father can take care of 10 children. 10 children cannot take care of one father. Because what a parent does for a child, the the children will never have to pay it back because you give it from your own heart because they're a part of you. So therefore, your wife comes first. Your obligation is to her and your first priority as mentioned before as well. It has to be number one on the list is your spouse. Number two is maybe the children and everybody else comes afterwards. But you have to understand it's time to grow up and and to understand what the Torah was expects from you that you have to think to your wife and leave the parents alone. Don't worry about it. They'll live. They'll survive. Getting to question number two. One time I had a couple that came over for counseling and they're sitting there and the wife tells me, "Rabbi, don't ask what happened last week." I said, "What happened?" I said, "We're sitting by his parents' house Friday night dinner and the whole family is there anda they're all attacking me." It's the wife talking. I said, "Really? Where was your husband?" She's like, "He was right there next to me and just nothing. Nothing. oblivious to everything. I tell the guy, "What do you want your wife to do? If she's going to get up and answer back to your father, they're going to put a big X on her and your life is over with her. She disrespected the parents. God forbid. It should never be heard of. She can't say really say anything." That's where you come in. As again was mentioned before, you have to be the one to get up and to stick up for your wife. If if you don't feel that your wife is an extension of you, she is a part of you, she is your other half, then you have a problem because only you can answer back to your parents because they'll they'll accept it from you. It's okay if it comes from you and there's a way to deal with it. And if it doesn't end, you can get up and say, you know what, guys, if it's not going to stop and end, we're going to get up and leave. That's okay. You can do that. She can't. So, it's your responsibility to make sure that you stick up and defend your wife because that's what she wants and that's what she needs. Of course, there has to be boundaries between the in-laws and and and the couple. Okay? It's very difficult sometimes for the wife because of the way the dynamics and society is set up with the community. So, we have to understand that how to play the game properly. You have to get your w your husband on board to make sure that he understands his responsibility. And it's not a disrespect to the parents by you sticking up for your wife and understand that you need to have your own space and your own time. They can't just walk in whenever they want. They can't just do whatever you want. They can't just say whatever they want. It's your responsibility as the husband to make sure that you're together with your wife and as a concerted effort as a team you'll be able to overcome everything that everything should work out as well. The problem that we have today is that the only way we know how to discipline is by yelling and screaming and hitting is because that's the way we learn from our parents how that's how they disciplined us and that's what's been ingrained within us and that's the only way we think is the way to discipline our own children. But as we see today, that's not the way to go. In the days of old, you would just look at the child and he'll be just be embarrassed, put his head down and maybe do other things in his pants. But but today, the kids are they look back at you, they'll answer back at you. They're they're a little bit more I won't say, but a little bit more brazen than they are the days of old. So the ways of parenting of old doesn't really work today. And and a lot of the rabbis have said over the years is that the only way to discipline a child today is through love. It's through with a nice way by not being so hard on them and difficult and disciplining in ways that you have to expose yourself to other methods and techniques and and strategies that are out there today in terms of how to discipline a child. Somebody mentioned to me before the tells us you have to educate the child according to his needs. And every child, as you see within within families that have multiple children, every child is different. And some children are very obedient and some children are very offensive and you know positional and and problematic and and and that's fine. And God decided to give you this special child for you to take care of because you and your spouse are the ones that will be able to educate the child in the best way that's possible. Of course, you have to be an example of what it is to be a mench and a woman in terms of having values and ethics and morals and behaving the right way. Working in yeshiva, you see children that are very angry and and also resort to hitting. You know, what do they learn it from? I mean, you might you might argue they're learning from the TVs, from the movies, and whatever is out there today, but a lot of times a lot of the the curse words that they come with and and the hitting aspect of it, they learn it from their parents. from from daddy will say because the kid knows that when daddy gets angry he hits somebody and therefore when I get angry in school somebody's going to bother me I'm going to hit him because that's what daddy taught me so is that is that the education that you want to give over to your own children so you have to like I said try to try to learn read up on other methods speak to other rabbis other mentors therapists um in terms of understanding the different ways that there are to educate and to discipline the children it doesn't have to be you losing your temper, losing your patience and and resorting to hitting it. It's for yourself as well to learn how to control your anger, which is an important aspect for for everyone. Anger management is definitely a problem for a lot of couples today and they have to definitely work on it. But the kids job is to press your buttons. That's what they're here for. Okay? So, we have to understand that we don't let them press the buttons and we're the ones that try to discipline in the right way. And as well should open up your eyes and give you the clarity to understand how to educate the children and to raise up a beautiful family as well. [Music] [Applause]