Dealing with In-Laws - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] one of the most important questions I get in marriage counseling is about how to build a positive relationship with ones in laws when I talk about in-laws I'm talking about all relationships outside of you and your staff that could mean your mother law that could mean your father in law that could also mean you know brothers and sisters and all these relationships can have a damaging relationship with your marriage or a positive one so how do we build a positive relationship with one in laws well I want to begin by giving you an an example of drawing a circle around you and your spouse that circle can have three different types of lines the first lines are called open boundaries imagine that circle is made out of dots in a dotted circle too many things get in the relationship and too many things out of the relationship in other words people can get inside that circle to easily a mother-in-law a father-in-law will have too much to do with your marriage or you can go outside of your marriage and start having too much a relationship with people like your brothers and sisters or your parents to the detriment of your spouse that's called an open boundary the second boundary imagine a circle which has black lines it's a closed boundary that would be defined by relationship where there's no relationship with people around you you don't talk to your mother you don't talk to your mother law you don't have any relationship with your siblings in your marriage and so on and that is called a closed boundary you have isolated yourself wittingly or unwittingly from relationships around you it's also an unhealthy boundary the third boundaries what we're looking for imagine a circle with streak lines around it and there's little openings between each line that is what we call a permeable boundary not everything gets in and not everything gets out but some things get in and some things get out how do you define that boundary it's all about balance a person needs that make a fine balance between what goes in the relationship and what get what gets out of the relationship I can tell you for sure it's not healthy to talk to your mother or your father too much about your marriage and it's not very helpful to bring your mother and father into your marriage of course that's not true if you're an abusive relationship with your physically abused physically emotionally abused sexually abused then you really need help from other people i'm talking about a non abusive relationship or thinks is this kind of work out you need to talk directly with your spouse about what's bothering you if you don't do it it's called triangulation imagine another image imagine a triangle a B and C a and B should be talking to one another all the time let's say you're a in your spouse's be if you have a problem of your spouse you should talk to them if they have a problem with you they should talk to you but sometimes people involve people outside the relationship let's call them see the third angle the third point of the triangle if you involve AC or third person you're doing something called triangulation so for example let's say when day and wife is home and she's upset at her husband and their child is home and the father walked in the door and the mother turns to the Father and from the child and said here's your lousy father who's always late what just happened in that negative relationship what just happened is something called triangulation really the mother is upset at the father the husband's it says the wife whatever that direct relationship may be in that relationship they have to turn towards one another in that case the mother would have been done best by turning to the father privately and saying I'm upset that you're always late when you come home and the father might have problems with his wife and he could say things stir as well it's very very important to have direct relationship with one another but in that case for example there involving they see a third person the child it's very negative being triangulated that child is going to experience a lot of anxiety a lot of anger here she's not going to know who to support who signed to be on they're going to get very negative feelings about themselves and about their parents as well the same thing happens with in-laws let's say a couple is fighting a lot and may what we'll do we'll start going to the third person they'll start going to a mother-in-law and a father law you know this is what my mother thinks we should do and we you should talk to your father before you make that decision when you do that you're doing something very negative you're not respecting the boundary of the relationship in a healthy permeable boundary certain things hitted and certain things can add and if we have to be very very careful to decide when to break those boundaries of course if you're an abusive relationship you need to break those boundaries but if you're not I would suggest more you limit your interaction with your in-laws about very very personal matters you should also try to find a balance with you and your husband about how much relationship you have with each other's parents and it should be balanced and that's really the key word I would say you try to divide your time if both in laws would like to see you at least half and half one hug you'll go to one family one hog to another family for Shabbat you'll go to one family for another Shabbat you go to another family of course this really depends on many different factors but it's important to try to keep the balance but what's extremely important if we look at another boundary is to not break all relationships with your in-laws I think so many hundreds of hundreds of cases where people are so angry at one set of parents the other and they break off the relationship now of course if they're abused it's another relationship all together but if they're in a non abusive relationship I try to coach couples all the time try to keep some relationship with your in-laws now we all know there are in laws which are too intrusive and invasive in your lives and cause a lot of fighting those type of people you have to spend a little more take a little more distance from them it's important to have a bit of a more of a boundary with them but on the same hand it's important to have a little bit of a relationship even if you're fighting with one of your in-laws I suggest you still call them up at least one so we can say shabbat shalom to them ask them how they're doing just for a few minutes maybe once a week is too much maybe it's once every two weeks or once a month the important thing is try to keep a certain level of politeness with your in-law but don't involve them too much in relationship if they're too much involved in your marriage it's telling you something about your own relationship and master perhaps where your boundary is to open so if you watch your boundaries you don't want to have an open boundary where too much is getting in and out you don't want to have a closed boundary where everything is not getting in and everything is just kept inside you want to aim towards a balanced boundary what we call a permeable boundary when couples work on that balance consistently they're also going to have a better relationship between themselves and their in-laws as well welcome to this new series and he's a brute called marriage matters my name is rabbi daniel shonda and on the licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world the effect on this important series i will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during a family relationship but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on the blue shell