Cupcakes & String Beans: Don't Take it Personally - Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein

[Music] I'm going to tell you something which will help you very much in your marriages and will also help you very much in bringing up your children and actually the lesson is not mine she's not sitting here right now but the lesson came from my wife so I am I was a teacher I started teaching when I was 20 years old I was very young I loved my students to the end of the Earth I fed them I took them for shabas I took them on trips I took them to games half a day I'm a businessman so I had money and they were like my boys and they still are today they still are so every morning I bought them timman I don't know if they have that here but I bought them timman cupcakes chocolate cupcakes that had white filling inside unbelievable cupcake at that time I I was still eating kakum and I would give every single boy a cupcake every single day they get a cupcake after ta they ate their cupcake and I love Chocolat so I also had a cupcake but I didn't I I didn't have it after TAA I had it for lunch with my coffee my tea so one day I came up from gym at 11:00 and after the recess and I come walking into the room and my cupcake that was on the table that was always on the table the rapper was there but someone ate my cupcake so it was just a rapper so the M who ate my cupcake didn't even throw out the rapper it was like in your face Rabbi I'm going to eat your cupcake and leave the rapper I'm a Cain I don't put up with this stuff so I I sat down and I'm thinking to myself this I I gave them tests gave them 20 points extra just for smiling I I I I took care of these kids like like nobody took care of that who in my class would do this so I I sat down and I said guys it was four months before the end of school I said you will never go to research again until I know who ate my cupcake so at lunchtime a boy walks out to me re I need to talk to you I said what's going on now this is the kid it's always like this I gave the most love to he came his father walked out on him when he was a little boy he much lived in my house I bought him clothing I bought him sneakers this is the guy who ate my cupcake it's always the guy you no good deed goes unpunished the one you give the most is the one that throws it in your face right so he says I'm really sorry Rabbi but I ate your cupcake I said what said what what was going on in your stupid stupid head why don't you just come over to me and ask me I would have bought you a truck full of anamin donuts you know me why would you eat my cupcake why don't you ask me what give it to you in a second what kind of are you to eat and leave the rapper you're you're a c you don't appreciate anything I can't teach you anymore the ra says if you don't like a student you are not allowed to teach him you have to leave or he have to leave you're not allowed to teach someone that you don't like my teachers would have never been able to teach me that's for sure so cuz they didn't like me I was a wise guy so I said to him listen to me carefully I said you want I want you to know what you did you took your hand you stuck it in my throat into my stomach and you pulled the cupcake out of my stomach because I'm supposed to be eating this right now could you just explain to me like what were you thinking and why did you leave the rapper there I can't teach you anymore I'm leaving you back in seventh grade I never left back anyone I never threw out anyone I was so angry I'm like I'm not teach it's not that I don't like you I just can't teach you right now it's just just what you did is I left them back he said seventh grade till the end of the year I'm going to let you graduate I'm an eighth grade teacher you'll come back a day before if I can look at you and I'll let you graduate but you're not in my class anymore so the Bell Rings school's over old kids are murmuring I walk out of course I sent a note to the principal the principal says Robert wallstein you never left anyone back what happened what did he do thinking who knows what he did right I said you you can't you Rabbi you you you cannot understand I cannot even explain to you what this kid did he said no just try tell me what he did he ate my cupcake rabbi's looking at me what did you say I said he ate my cupcake you're throwing a kid out of class cuz he ate your cupcake I told you Rabbi you don't understand I I didn't want to talk to him I'm going downstairs to my car kids begging me Reby please I'm so sorry it was just stupid I thought it' be funny for the class to leave the rapper I promise I'll never do it again my you do not exist in my life you are done I come home I'm a fire I'm a CO you don't do that to your Co you don't take a kurm [Laughter] away I come home my wife sees I used to come home from school happy she seeso something happens she says what happened in school you look like you're going to have a heart attack I said SD I said the boy's name I said you're not going to believe what he did today she like what did he do he ate my cupcake she looked at me so so so are you kidding me the kid ate my cupcake the one thing I have for for lunch and you know what I give to this kid so my wife's very smart she mag me I sound like that comedian right she says to me something amazing and this is a lesson if you come out of this shabbaton with this lesson you gain a new life said I want to ask you a question if a rabbi in another school would call pull you up and say Rabbi wall I had a situation I don't know what to do see every day I eat a cupcake and today I came up from recess and my cupcake was gone and there was a wrapper what should I do Rabbi W my wife said Z what would you tell me I thought for a minute I said I would tell him that if a kid that you love so much and loves you so much ate your cupcake he probably has no food at home the first thing I would do was go to his house and see if he has anything in the refrigerator and talk to his mother because if he loves me why would he eat it your poor child is so hungry she said did you do that with this kid he threw him out why don't you take the advice that you would have given someone else she said let me ask you another question let's say it wasn't your cupcake let's say another boy in the class decided to save his cupcake for lunch and you would have come up and there would have been an empty wrapper on that kid's desk what would you have done and you caught the kid that did it I would first say that it's very cute that you left the rapper that's pretty funny I would I would have done the same thing as a kid high five baby that was good and two you ate somebody's cupcake tomorrow you give me your cupcake to him you're not going to have one she said would you have thrown him out of course not it's a cute thing a kid ate another kid's cupcake that she said so why are you throwing him out because it's your cupcake not because it's a cupcake you took it personally and when you take something personally you cannot think normally so she was 100% right it wasn't you took a cupcake and left the rapper it's you took my cupcake we do you have a right to mess with my cupcake somebody else's cupcake just buy him another one buy him a box cannot take it personally the kids are our family our children when they do something wrong you tell your daughter to come home at 11: she shows up at 12 you're going crazy I'm never letting you out again I'm locking the doors I'm taking away your shoes and your sneakers how could you come right if your friend would call you and say you know my daughter's supposed to come home at 11:00 she came home at 12 what do you think I should do they'll say listen got to talk to her find out where she is where she was find out why it happened maybe work on your relationship maybe go into therapy would you say I'm taking everything away would you go crazy would you yell at her of course not so take the advice what to do with your children if somebody else would have called you what to do with their children the advice you give them take that advice with your children y you'll have the best you'll have the best any mother and father that ever happened since that day no matter what it can I've got some guys that did some nasty things to me right I I don't get angry because I know they didn't say she didn't sit there at 11 o' look at her watch and say it's 11 I'm going to stay out till 1200 I'm going to make my mother miserable she was having a good time I didn't look at my watch I was with my friends the movie with but she never said I'm doing this to hurt my parents the the problem is that when it's our kids we think that they're doing it to hurt us we take it personally when it's someone else's kid and they're asking you what to do so they didn't do it to me so I'm not telling you personally so I could think like a normal person and give them the right advice and it's the same thing in marriage when a husband doesn't do what he's supposed to do he said going to come home he didn't come home he's not saying I want to if he wants to aggravate his wife get rid of her but he's not doing that he's just a schlump schlamazel whatever he comes late all the time not doing it to agitate you he's not saying and now I'm going to be late to the wedding because I know she hates that I'm going to make her angry for and if your friend would say you know my husband he always comes late you're like but but he have so many good things about him don't worry about it so why don't you take the same advice your husband has so many good things but no how could you be light and vice versa so I have I teach boys also and a lot of my boys get married you know I have this year of boys and they get married and one of my boys got married to a really nice girl and like three months after his marriage he comes to my Shure after class I get sh from every Tuesday night from 10:30 till 12:00 there's a place there's a website called Torah anytime.com every Tuesday Wednesday is a new Shir there's about 700 of my classes on there it's a video it's video every single Tuesday and Wednesday night anyway this guy comes I know him very well he comes to my after my Shear 12:00 I'm like uh oh sh the first year you married I don't let them come to my Shear they have to be home so at sh 10th year they have to come to my class CU they don't want to be home okay but anyway so he comes and he says Rabbi I want a divorce I need you to get me a a rabbi and a bezon I want to divorce I'm divorcing her I'm like sh d now what happened I knew them both this was not what happened she's crazy okay I say so that's not a reason to get a divorce we're all still married guys right that's that's definitely not a reason number one that's for sure right I said translate crazy he said she asked me to bring home it's a true story she asked me to bring home four cans of string beans for supper I went to the store I came home she takes the cans out of the bag and I made a mistake I didn't buy string beans I bought asparagus so she takes the can she goes asparagus if your friend sent you for string beans you would never come home with asparagus what when you went shopping you were talking to your friends like you have no respect for me I asked you for string beans and you bring asparagus you think this marriage is going to work if your friend said you be stream me would you come up with asparagus oh your friends you pay attention to me you come up with a spar three months so he's a nice boy so he turns to her and says I'm sorry I made a mistake I will be back in four minutes he puts the things into the B he's going to run to to switching it's the big deal it's down the block it's a flaish right she says no I don't want no more string beans I don't want to make a salad he says I made a mistake I'll be right back four minutes I'm not interested don't don't go buy the stream be cuz I'll throw them at you he like Reby I cannot live with such a person I said I got to ask you something you're a pretty smart guy stram means asparagus how did that [Laughter] happen you know what he tells me he says re I I do the shopping his his father passed away a long time ago so he whena he used to help his mother he used to do the shopping my mother told me a long time ago when you buy canned goods take the ones from the back cuz the ones in the front are expired so they what they do is they rotate them so the owner of the store wants to get rid of them before they expire so my mother's very smart so we take the cans from the back he said whoever put the string be in the front the guy whoever stocked it I didn't look who strings in the front I took four can in the back I didn't look he's probably on his phone anyway but he didn't look so he he wanted to do his wife a favor and bring the freshest string beans and she threw it in his face so he's done so I called her down and I said you know that the reason you got asparagus is because he wanted to bring you the freshest string beans in the store you never gave him a chance to explain you just ripped his head off I said this I told her what I'm telling you I said to her can I ask you something ra if your best friend would have called you on the phone and said I sent my husband for string beans and he came home with asparagus what should I do what would you have told her would you have told her he doesn't love you he doesn't care about you he came about his friends more you would have told her come on that's so cute you H such a cute guy he doesn't know differ stream with in asparagus you should be happy you know what you were told him you should be happy that he went to the store for you said so why aren't you saying the same thing about your husband the advice you give your friend about her husband take that advice for yourself and by the way just try to do the right thing one of the biggest secrets in relationships is not to take it personally because the person most of the time is not doing it to hurt you you will have a different marriage you will have a different relationship with your children the problem is that the advice we would give others because then it's not personal it's other person that advice we don't take to ourselves and this I learned from my wife because she totally deflated my anger when I realized that this poor kid for whatever reason he was hungry didn't think that re's going to be so angry that re's going to flip out right and instead of treat him and going to find out if he's hungry which I should have done I didn't do I didn't do the right thing so I want to tell you that the next morning I um I came to school and I apologized to this boy in front of my whole class because I embarrassed him in front of the whole class I apologized to him and actually the next morning I brought him a box of edin donuts cuz I said I reacted really the wrong way but don't you ever touch my donut again [Music] I learned a very big lesson and and it's helped me it's helped me through life because when you don't take things personally you just think so much smarter and so much straighter and if you take your own advice you give to others you'd be the most loving husband and wife because I'm sure that everyone here if your friends called you and asked you what to do you'd give a very loving answer the reason we don't is because we take everything person