Choosing Happiness - Rabbi Jonathan Rietti

[Music] what I'm going to share with you tonight you've probably heard many times but maybe not always in the same way so here's where I'm really going to begin we're talking about choosing happiness so who is responsible for my happiness just be honest with ourselves who is responsible for my happiness resp I'm responsible do you agree do we all agree I am responsible for my happiness is that accurate thank you for coming are there any questions you see if it's really true and I agree with you that I'm responsible for my happiness I'm going to ask you if you can relate to the following do you remember when you were about 16 17 you saying to yourself you know when I graduate I'm going to be so happy do you remember saying that to yourselves you remember you know uh when I go on my first date I'll be so happy you know when I get out of this date I'll be so happy you know when I get my first job I'll be so happy when I get out of out of this job I'll be so happy you know when I get married I'll be so when I get divorced I'll be so happy you know when I have children I'll be SC us out of the house I'll be so happy one second excuse me excuse me if my happiness depends on my kids showing me more respect you know what of your is more than I had in a lifetime to my parents now I know there's no one here who can relate to any of this some of you have friends know what I'm talking about when I blame my kids for their lack of discipline or respect for me and make me unhappy as a parent who have I defined is controlling my happiness myself or my child if it's my spouse has to show me more affection more love more respect more understanding and then I'll be happy in this marriage who have I set up as controlling my happiness in my marriage it's me or my spouse you hear the problem if it's my bank manager who has to come through on the loan and then I'll be happy if it's my boss has show me more appreciation I bust my TA in this job I do like the five employees working this guy does give me a raas in seven years and who have I set up as controlling my happiness in my career me and my boss you hear the problem we all agree it's so obvious I'm responsible for my happiness then why do I play the blame game of a accusing B blaming C complaining D denying e giving excuses for why it's your fault that I'm not happy in my life with my wife with my spouse in my house with my health in my wealth I'm a poet and I know it no seriously I mean if it's obvious and it doesn't take more than a few seconds yeah of course I'm responsible for my happiness then why am I so easily playing this blame game so this is where we really get to the Crux of What happiness is not and then we can more easily home in very soon on what happiness really is because I think you will all agree that being that there's so much on the subject many of us have SE out all types of different people to give us Clarity in different areas of Our Lives where we're hoping that if I can improve my health or my career or my relationships um especially with my motherin-law um sorry just swallowing sorry just swallowing um and my father-in-law uh my sister-in-law my brother-in-law and my and my my real sister and my parents and my kids you know as soon as I can improve the relation with my boss and my clients and my Kusa and my neighbor have I covered everybody so I'm so busy looking for happiness in in every area of my life is it possible that it's become extremely complex when is it possible that in reality we're going to talk about reality it's extremely simple but because it's simple because it's so deceptively simple it so easily gets missed because it was simple for all of us to agree I'm responsible for my happiness but nevertheless I've got all these reasons why until the relationship changed until I lose wait until I'm making more money until I live in this ZIP code until I build a house like this until I can drive this car until and I keep going on and on and on the question begs well if happiness is simple why is it so complicated why why is there so much written about and even more recently there's psychology um what's it called uh positive psychology it's a it's a whole new trend in the world of psychology that's starting to recognize more and more the role of the Mind in the pursuit of happiness there's one Professor tal Shaha some of you are probably familiar with that name he's actually an Iranian Jew a traditional Jew he's retired now he lives in in ell but he was a professor in Harvard and he had the largest attendance in Harvard University's history for his courses they were labeled happiness one 1 1,400 students that might not sound very impressive to you but I think the whole of Harvard is about 3 4,000 students something like that so so to have 1,400 students out of the 4,000 turn up to your lectures as part of wow that's very impressive but it's also a very big statement we're we we're all in searching for more clarity on this apparently very complicated subject so I'm going to share with you the following and this this is going to be the Clincher so if you want to fall asleep after this you can um everything after this is really going to be explaining why this is reality but you already know it there is no happiness outside of you it's impossible I'm going to illustrate that it's impossible for happiness to exist outside of us I'll illustrate it um I just met uh uh Godfrey tonight we don't support the same team but we're from the same uh part of L uh England so um but I'm going to ask you are you used to the English accent so I'm going to switch now to a southern English accent can you handle that okay so um two farmers in a pub I apologize if you've heard this before but if you even if you have it's good kazara it's good review and and it's quite funny that's my personal opinion um two farmers in the pub enjoying a glass of beer together and one says the other ah I want a million pounds oh that be good no that be but I spint it all oh that' be bad no that' be good bought myself an airplane oh that' be good no that be bad it blew up in me there oh that be bad no that' be good I jumped out just in time oh that' be good no that' be bad I forgot me parachute oh that' be bad no that' be good there was a hay stack below oh that' be good that be bad there was a pitchfork sticking out the hay stock oh that be bad no that be good I missed the Pitchfork oh that be good no that be bad I miss the Hast stack oh that be bad no that' be good I fell into an open grave that' be good no that' be bad the funeral men were filling it in oh that be bad no that be good I told him I was still alive well that be good no that' be bad they wouldn't believe me see life is one long story if that be good that be bad marriage would that be good or that be bad someone once told me he's married 63 years and he wants people to know that marriage is not a word it's a sentence I am so impressed you didn't get that a sentence as in jail never mind wow I am so impressed I've never saw that before you just don't relate okay fine life is one long story if that be good that' be bad marriage that' be good that'd be good children that be good i' be bad someone wants start if I ever hit my kids I said never hit my kids except in self-defense Health that' be good that be bad I had a friend whose doctor once told him he's got six months to live but when he compared doctor Bo gave him last six months I think there might be a lot of doctors in the audience I'm sorry about that one life is one long story that be good that' be bad the question begs so who's more happy the one who's got more good than bad or is that just simply not reality it's not reality there's good and always it's always like this the question is not so much how much less or more good bad one person experiences than the other the question is how will I respond and where is that taking place you see happiness is never outside of us I'm going to illustrate it in another way do you know anybody who loves their job pretend you know someone who loves their job yes good so now let me ask you uh you know someone who really they love their job they really love their job um but they're not making enough money could that sabotage the happiness yes or no because let's pretend you know someone who's making an extraordinary amount of money and and he loves his job but he has a very difficult marriage could that sabotage his happiness yes or no so let's pend you know someone who's got the perfect job and he's making a ton of money has got the perfect marriage but has a real difficult time with the children not going in the same direction as they were raised could that sabotage their happiness yes or no so let's pretend you know someone who's got perfect children and perfect job perfect finan is perfect marriage and has some health issues could that sabotage their happiness yes or no so let's pretend you know someone who got perfect health perfect finances perfect job perfect marriage perfect children uh but has a really difficult time with a mother inlaw could that sabotage the happiness yes or no so let's pretend you know somebody who's got the perfect parents-in-law someone once asked me for a definition of a dysfunctional family so that's really easy the definition of a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one member pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever so let's say you know someone who's got perfect finances perfect health perfect job perfect marriage perfect children and perfect parents-in-law and extended family question do you know anybody who's got all of that I'll make the question much easier do you know anybody who's got all of that all the time never how about I'll make the question a little bit easier do you know anybody in world history who had all of that all the time you see what we've H what we have to face is happiness can never be outside of us because is it possible you could have someone who's not got the perfect marriage and is still choosing happiness is it possible to have a good marriage but Financial pressure stress and still choose happiness is that possible you see what we've got to recognize is that in any situation we've been through there are situations we've actually chosen happiness over and above whatever was the stress or the pressure or the pain of what we were going through is it possible that a person could have a physical condition that's not not easy often in pain and is able to say I'm happy that's who we're celebrating tonight so we got to really get to the real Crux of this I said the Crux before but we got to put it now under the microscope if it's really true there's no happiness outside of me then what I've really got to figure out is so where is that happiness when I do have it where is it taking place is it in my pinky is it in my elbow is it in my kn where where are we experience happiness when we do experience it where is that taking place for those still awake it's taking place in my mind what do we mean by that what do we mean by that the simple answer and it really is simple is happiness is a thought end of lecture happiness is a thought and it's the same thought of happiness that I could switch to interpreting what's happening outside of me as pain or suffering or it's your fault or you're hurting me and what ends up happening my mind goes from whatever it was that I'm thinking that makes me feel happy to whatever it is that's now making me think I'm upset or angry or stressed or anxious or fearful or hurt or pained so I'm going try and make this really I'm really put this together in a way that's it's just because there's so much I've got to untangle because I'll give you an example could I get stressed out from the traffic yes or no so here's the question is it really the traffic that's stressing me how did the cars in front of me get into my mind and start pressing the buttons to get me stressed have you ever been in traffic where it's quite frustrating you really what just want to get home it's been a very long day um but the phone call you're on is so stimulating it's so interesting or just you're just enjoying that person's company who's sitting with you in the car and so the traffic doesn't matter is is that a reality so is it really the traffic that has any intrinsic power to make me feel stressed or is it not the traffic but what I'm thinking about the traffic and here's kind of to put it even I hope more clearly you're not married to your husband you're never married to your wife you're only ever married to who you think he is she is that's simply reality you and I don't experience the world outside in we're living inad a world that is not really real and it is an illusion and God sets it up that way because the only place you and I truly exist is how am I thinking about what I'm going through so happiness can never be outside of me it's got to always be here DAV said it this way you'll find this in chapter 4:8 of tahim he says Natata is a language of the future past or present where is it Natata it happened already Natata you have gifted you have given same language of Natan giving as gifting now unfortunately thanks to Christians I'm not going to go into this in too much detail we only translate the word le as as heart but it doesn't mean that the vast majority of times it can mean heart but the vast majority of time times the word La Means mind means thought literally means and this is not my words Rabbi VI of a blessed man we spoke about this many times but in this particular case I'm I'm quoting from don't hate your brother in your thoughts says whenever the word La is doubled over Le is referring to both types of thinking there's which is that's from number 49 the moment we we go away from the Christian translation of evil inclination and just translate it for what it is a yat is from the language of Yar ysar is a painter a designer is a designer God created in man two Yas when he created us he did he misspelled on purpose the word Yim he spelled with two Ys it's not supposed to be spelled with two Ys so why is it spelled with two Ys so our sages tell us that when mhu said re why am I spelling this with two y has said because I'm I have designed inside of you two ways of thinking there's a y there's good thinking and there's a Yara there's negative thinking I'm not talking about positive negative I'm talking about reality and non-reality so when I hate someone it's non-reality it's not just NE negative thinking it's not true it's not real God says don't hate other people in your thoughts when God tells me love others like you love yourself where does love take place in your pinky your elbow you might feel in some parts of your body but that's that's because whatever we're focusing on is our reality is this making sense happiness is is always over here it's never anywhere else you and I can say look but I'm I've got so many blessings and they're outside of me I've got a marriage got children grandchildren I've got home a career so that means that when you're thinking about the blessings in your life you're experiencing the emotion we call happiness but it's actually not those physical or outside things that's causing the happiness it's what you're thinking you could have someone of the stature of Sara Ean who's Barren without child for 90 years that's a long time to wait every month so next month next month next month maybe next month and this goes on for years years years decades decades decades that's not an easy life she's kidnapped not once but twice she took on a co-wife ladies have you ever considered that she took a co-wife to share with her husband we're still paying the price of that she did ites SAR imanu our matriarch went through not all but almost all the same tests as her husband when they arrived in ER Kanan it was the same R the same famine for both of them how does she stand up to all that but you know here's here's what really doesn't make sense on the surface if she would be here saru and be asked saru could you tell us in one sentence the encapsulation of your entire life well how would you summarize your entire life how what would her answer be it's shocking completely utterly shocking it's in chapter 23 ver one and the life of SAR was sh 100 years sh and 20im and seven years s these are the years of the life of SAR Rashi quoting the M RAB immediately pounces on the grammatical construction of the verse makes no sense you in you introduced the verse saying this is the life of Sarah 100 years 20 and seven years these are the years of life why are you saying these are life we know it's the life of SAR he just said at the beginning of the verse and so the madress tells us something quite remarkable that if you ask Sara imenu our matriarch tell us what what your life was all about she would say it in three words K all of them Shin were equally let good whoa talk of Deni it's not a river in Egypt it's when no never mind it's sorry Manu how can you say that your whole life all your years were equally good kidnapped twice Baron 90 years when Arin was thrown into the furnace you you were married him you see AB what do you mean it's being thrown into a furnace you went through what he went through how can you say your entire life was equally good and her answer is very simple there's two ways to look at our life outside in or inside out outside in it's my mother-in-law it's my brother it's my parents you know they ruined my life and I really I've been so traumatized my my childhood and that keeps me believing I'll never be able to recover fully and sarain was telling us well there's two ways of looking at everything there's thinking that what's happening to me is the reality and then there's a whole different way of looking at that and saying what I think is the real me so if I keep thinking about what I don't have in my life whether it's the health whether it's the wealth whether it's family whether it's extended family whether it's marriage whether it whatever it is that I think's missing in my life the more I think and think and think about it I'm going to suffer from my thinking I'm not suffering from what's missing I'm suffering from thinking about what's missing do do you follow it's it sounds like a subtle play on the words it's not it's the it's between reality and non-reality you and I always live over here we never live outside there but when I fall into the Trap of believing that it's you who's ruining my life what I have essentially done is given you power to control what I think and because we only feel what we think it's impossible to feel anything else you and I 100% of Our Lives feel what we think so the emotion of love the emotion of Happiness the emotion of jealousy whether it's positive negative make a difference which the emotion the emotion of anxiety they are all thought in the moment it's impossible for me to feel what I'm not thinking I feel what I think 100% of my time that's why the Torah uses the word LA and it has two meanings it means mind and it means the icon of emotions most of the time it means mind because that is really the starting point of what I'm feeling mAh Le there are many thoughts in the where do you do your thinking in your heart or your mind or you do your thinking up here oh so when I'm focusing on the good in my spouse the good in my children the good in my health the good in the blessings that God has showered upon me oh you're going to experience what you and I will call happiness because that's the thought in that moment but imagine if what I do is most of the time or a lot of the time not always but a lot I'm riddled with feelings of things people have said and done to me that really hurt me and really upset me I don't mean to belittle any of us that would feel this way but here's the problem I would begin when my parents traumatized me in my youth and my my mother and my father my brothers and sisters they bullied me I mean a bully I'm a scapegoat in my family and I I go on and on and on and what ends up happening is that everything I'm telling you is thought in the moment that's coming out of my mouth but the trauma or pain that I experienced in the past doesn't exist now it's impossible it's impossible it's a Memory the only way a memory can come back alive and it can't but the only way it can almost come back alive is for me to remember it so actually what I'm doing when I'm talking about what you've done to me or hurt me or pained me or stressed me out whatever it is what I'm really doing is choosing unhappiness right now I'm not making that bad I'm just sharing reality when I choose to talk about what it is that other people have done that's wrong and unfair or unjust in my life or whether it's the fears that I have or the anxiety that I'm experiencing what I'm really doing is thinking about that right now is this making sense but here's the the irony where do you and I exist in the past present or future where do we exist you and I can only ever exist in the in the present the past mavava that hazal used that language many times what happened happen is history is gone it's finished the future never exists because as soon as I get there it's already the present the only moment I ever exist in is this moment now what we mean by that is not time what we really mean by that is what am I thinking right now that's where we exist so when I'm focused on the good in my spouse in my wife in my husband it's not just positive thinking it's reality thinking I'll explain we have a Mitzvah there's a lot of Mitzvah 613 out of 613 a lot of them have to do with how to think saim counts 51 out of 63 13 relate to your mind to be to judge others favorably where does that take place which part of your body it's your mind this is very this is really interesting you witnessed you heard that person say something very nasty it was an insult degrading and it really painful and it was and it was and is at me in front of other people so I'm humiliated as well I'm not taking away from that as a reality but here's what's really amazing the Torah actually tells me that I have a Mitzvah to be to judge other people favorably which means the following even if you witness someone else saying or doing something that's not right it's wrong it's not even accurate but there's anywhere in your creative imagination that you can come up with an interpretation that puts them into a favorable light of those two possibilities one what I heard and s with my own eyes my own ears two option two where in my creative imagination I could come up with a story that never really happened of those two which is the Torah God's mind telling me to select it's extraordinary he tells me to select number two R Master of the Universe why are you doing that I I'm a witness I heard a saw why are you telling me that I should come up with some sort of imaginative story that would put them into a better light what's what's God's answer cuz that's more closer to reality than whatever you and I ever experience in this world cuz this world is it's upside down it's inside it's it's it's an illusion it's deliberately that way it's not the real world the real world is as RAB intimated earlier this is and you know what's really extraordinary about Al you never die your body gets buried in the ground you the real you never dies the real you is not your body the real you is your your your mind there's no difference the and the mind the same thing we actually say in in Sim in in over there it tells us about wearing on the against the same opposite the why because that's where the Nish is even though Nish fills the entire body nevertheless the controlled house so to speak is over here so the real you is your sh the real you is your mind your mind can no one can cut a mind no one can Pierce a mind no one can stab a mind you can't throw a bullet you can't fire a bullet through a mind the brain yes but not the mind the Mind exists forever you're you are Divine intelligence all the time it's always there but you see the same thing that will make me realize oh happiness is a choice that takes place in thought it's what am I thinking what am I focused on it's the same thoughts that will get me in trouble so for example I brought with me some of my thoughts here's one anxiety so I've got a lot of anxiety especially with the the traffic and trying to get here on time and uh dealing with my kids homework and you know I've got a lot of anxiety that relates to my health issues um by the way while I'm on the subject here's one oh my boss oh my boss listen you know he's so unappreciated I can't believe every I work so hard I bust my tail in this company I get paid less and I put in as much work as five employees I Can't Tell You by the way while I'm on the subject worry I've got a lot of worries in my life got you know it's like a lot of them has to do with finances and also getting along with my my mom and dad especially in front of my kids I really have try to control myself I really worry about what type of role model I'm providing for my children and I'm getting ahead from thinking about all this you see these are thoughts that I'm carrying around with me and um I might feel very comfortable with you to talk about the stress in my life so I'm getting a lot of stress I'm actually feeling it over here and actually it's going around my whole body I'm starting to feel like stress everywhere and these are thoughts that I could carry with me I haven't got that many left frustration I'm really frustrated you have no idea I worked so hard for that exam I didn't get a pass Mark I put in almost a year this is killing me I'm so upset I can't believe they gave me a a failure and whatever it is frust it doesn't I'm just making these up as I go along but anger oh this is a biggie you have no idea how many people I'm upset with I got a lot of anger I try very hard not to show it but sometimes you remind me you're just like your mother and I I and I just comes up see here's the problem I carry these with me oh gosh I've still got three to go debt my financial debt oh that really I you know what it's like the moment I start relaxing I start thinking about my debt and it's really really painful sorry it's really painful think about my debt and then my health issues oh my dark teasers I'm overweight and got high cholesterol I'm a perfect candidate for cancer can't I don't know I'm such a slop come to controlling my but and I'm just doing this so much that it's starting to really pull me down my spouse I'll leave that one for some other time don't get now I'm carrying this around and the problem is when I get home I start talking to my spouse about it sometimes my kids can hear it and I'm banging myself with all these hammers and it really is very painful you have I don't think I hope you have no idea and when I do this then I get a call from a friend of mine how you doing and I start pulling out the Hammers now let me ask you if it really hurts every time I talk about it would you call me mentally healthy for bringing up when my my close friends who I feel close enough to talk to about anything they ask me how's things going and I start pulling out my Hammers and beating and do do you understand what I'm the metaphor I'm bringing out here nobody can do this to me unless it's my thoughts there's nobody that's causing me anger or worry it's me who's doing it to myself I'll give you another illustration to kind of bring this home you know we're living in such incredible world of technology and advancements that I don't think it's too difficult to imagine the following that technology has reached a point where your emotions are wirelessly connected to this technology it's the size of the face of a watch and it's it's so it's so advanced technology that um if you press the H on the front of this technology which stands for happiness every happy thought you ever experienced in your life every kind word that was ever said to every compliment and every every time someone just it's just nice and all those memories start coming flooding into your mind you really experience ecstasy on the other side of this technology is a DB button for depression every unkind word every pain anything I ever experienced in my which was hurtful is on this side God really hurts I God would you give this to your mother-in-law would you give this to your spouse to your kids why would I give the power of controlling my happiness or lack of to anybody that's not healthy and here's I keep calling it The Clincher we're always healthy because the moment I know the real truth that the happiness is never outside of me and if I do have happy children happy spouse healthy children healthy spouse happy marriage extended family those are more blessings reasons for me to think about and pay attention to but it's possible you could have someone who's got lots of blessings in their life and they're unhappy and the problem is not the lack of blessings the problem is that he's not paying attention and this is where i' pay attention I'm not thinking about it Howard Hughes they made a movie out of him I remember in Time Magazine when they reported the week of his passing he died with $1.2 billion to his name that may not sound like a lot by today's standards but he was the wealthiest man who had died a self-made billionaire he had $1.2 billion to his name and in the last entry in his diary the last day he lived he wrote I never remember a day in my life where I woke up and said I'm happy today OMG he had 1.2 billion reasons to be happy but if he's not counting it's not going to work for him how many reasons do we have to be happy well when we're counting them they'll count you mean you can have a serious condition and people will ask you in an interview um what's your relationship to this condition and he says it's great because it makes me unique that's amazing see that's thought you don't have to agree with that thought but it's his reality and in doing so he's found a way to turn it into happen and most of the time the words I heard was were his smile and his happiness was infectious those of you who knew him know the reality and the accuracy of that but you and I might say but how could you be happy in your physical disposition and uh the particular condition that you have and here's you see here's the answer he wasn't thinking about it all the time s Manu wasn't thinking about all the time what she doesn't have she was busy with her husband being M of thousands of people eventually when she was blessed with a child she was busy raising the forefather of the Jewish Nation yadik in jail for what an accusation that wasn't true he's 17 years old and this beautiful woman is dressing three times a day to get his attention and he refuses to give it and then finally when she's completely alone with him no one else is around he runs away and what's his reward 10 years jail sentence God added another two because he actually relied on someone else instead of God for getting him out so he's in jail for 12 years is that a long time to think about how I got here well I've been thinking about it my brothers my brothers their first plan was to kill me his second plan was to throw me into a pit 40 ft deep 20 arm 40t deep and plan C was let's make a buck on him and sell me so I arrive and I'm completely isolated totally cut off from my father my beloved father my mother and here I am in Egypt and I'm staying from not easy and what does God do I do the right thing and he puts me in jail for 10 years would you and I say hey uh I understand you I think you and I would say hey I understand but that's not what he was busy thinking about he dropped all those thoughts he got rid of them his mind wasn't there if you didn't go through your mind with a turmoil on Friday afternoon saying shall I keep shabas or not shall I keep shabas or not if you didn't go through that shabas is not a ision for you you know why because you don't think about it if you're not thinking about putting on fill in yes or no tomorrow morning it's not an ass sign it's not a test for you because you don't think about it AR ainu had three days to think about what God just told him take your son I've got two no your only son but they are both only sons from two different wives the one you love I love both of them Yak the son of Sarah okay what should I do and bring him up as an AA as a offering on the mountain I'll show you took three days to get there no it was he didn't have a Rolls-Royce and didn't have a a Maserati he walked or went by camel that's a long time to think what was he thinking so ladies and gentlemen when you get a popup on your iPhone or Android or smartphone not you personally your non-jewish neighbors when they get a a on on their iPhone a popup what options do you have two options what are they explore or ignore delete delete your thoughts are popups literally the first popup you don't have that much responsibility for but what you do next is your is your free will most of us you you know you and I can't stop thinking try stop thinking 10 seconds 20 seconds you can't there'll be popups all the time what you do with a popup oh that's that's your free will oh so when you got a popup life's hard Life's a battle God wants me to pay attention to what I'm thinking cuz that's where I exist how much of a complainer am I how much do I spend my mind thinking about it's her fault it's his fault that's why I didn't get ahead in my life and as real as painful as trauma may seem to be it doesn't equal me now your mind can change in a second because no matter how how much pain I'm carrying around and it's heavy and it hurts every time I think about it it doesn't equal the next moment because you and I you and I live in thought all the time and how long is the life of a thought as long as you think it so how far away are you from the next thought one thought Away really yeah really I could be in the middle of tremendous Rage with my spouse I can't stand it when you say that oh Michael yes oh really yes what in 5 minutes yeah I'm I'm just finishing up a I'll be there in five minutes oh amazing really I'll be there bye I don't think you appreciate this is Michael I've been working like months and months is a client that that he the first time he's called me I've been trying to close on a deal with him it'll be the biggest commission I've ever made and right in the middle of my rage with my wife or my kid or whoever it is I'm upset with I see his name come up and he never calls me and he says say hey I'm ready to close the deal can you meet me in 5 minutes around the corner I'm saying I'm saying yeah I'll be I'll be there one second if my anger has really consumed me how do I switch so quickly to this phone call and I'm happy to hear from him and even more ecstatic to hear that he wants to close the deal why don't I just say I can't I'm angry I'm so angry right now because that's not reality reality is you live one thought at a thought you live one thought at a time which means you're only ever one thought away from changing your mind so no matter how many reasons for me to be unhappy I've been carrying those are all memories that's not who you are today it never will be I can change in a second literally and as crazy as it sounds yeah but I've got this track record of unhappiness I've got a track record of anxiety that's true but the moment one starts to realize I exist over here happiness is never outside of it's never outside of me happiness is a thought and that's why it's a choice and because it's a choice I'm never far away from making a different Choice it might not be easy for me because I've got this track record or momentum of carrying these thoughts that around it's really hard for me to let go of them but as soon as I start to realize one second this worry I have is thought in the moment and it's hurting me I'm getting headache when I bang myself about my talk about my boss and when I think about my boss in the ways I speak about him uh it really gets me down and when I think about my debt it doesn't make me in a place where I can talk to myself about so how can I spend less than I earn and free up the difference to pay down more of the debt instead of just servicing my debt with the minimum or somewhere close to the minimum every month and the stress I experience is really thought in the moment so the moment moment I start realizing one second these hammers are thoughts that are banging on my mind and hurting me they really hurt this one has to do with my health and when I keep thinking that it takes me away from the most obvious thought I should be focusing on which is okay what can I do differently what one item can I eat less of or what can I do to improve my exercise so that I can expect a healthy and longer life but as long as I'm thinking negative about whatever it is I'm going through in my life anger oh these are biggie then all it's doing is making me believe that outside is doing this to me and it's never outside because you and I only exist in one thought at a thought so there's much to be said on this subject um I'm going to close with a joke but the the bottom line is happiness is a choice and when we say it's a choice we mean it's a thought in the moment it doesn't mean there's going to be something that's going to make me unhappy later on I can still experience anger and I can still experience frustration and anxiety and fear but knowing where it's truly coming from self-generated enables me to make a recovering decision if you want to call it that or a different thought much sooner is going to help me let go of the Hammers that are banging on my mind and my emotions and making me feel unhappy so before I get to my joke any of you know or knew survivors of the Holocaust were they known for going around all day talking about the Holocaust talking about the trauma that they lived through survived for 1 2 3 years four years five solid years of constant death torture trauma isolation loss of family and why weren't they talking about it you know isn't it incredible that two survivors who didn't know each other before during the war but after the war they married and both of them had been through the Holocaust didn't talk about it with each other and sometimes they would joke in the mornings they would both remember each other hearing the other one having nightmares and horrific memories and they would they would shepher with each other which Camp were you in last night but they wouldn't talk about it not until decades and decades and decades later when the kids all married and if you ask them why not so some people might say it was too painful to talk about but you know what the most amazing answer is I was busy building my life again I was busy building family I was busy building my business I was build busy building Community yes she vot wow I wasn't thinking about it interesting you see what we think about is our reality so if I really want to experience more happiness where should I begin by trying to change my teenager very funny change my spouse yeah how many of you know of someone who successfully changed their spouse by trying to change them I'll make the question much easier how many of you know of someone in world history that succeeded in changing their spouse by trying to change them nobody ever changes anybody you might be able to inspire give them information they can make a better choice based on your role modeling but the only person you and I were ever created to change was the only person we're capable of changing and that starts with what am I thinking and when I think differently I end up feeling differently because what you think is what you're feeling all the time you feel what you think all the time it's impossible to divorce the two that's why the word La actually means both primarily thought because that's the Genesis that's the starting point so I'm going to close and I do mean it on a joke about three mothers and I apologize again if you've heard this before but um if if you have uh I hope the way that it's said is uh entertaining enough um three mothers on uh boardwalk and they they're sitting there in Florida um boasting to each other about how much their son shows them respect on their birthday so Mrs koseski is speaking to M hor is speaking to Mrs Ken and Mrs Koski says to M hor you won't I tell you what my son does for me on my birthday you don't want to know but I tell you anyway my son on my birthday I get a knock on the door I open the door and there's my son 6'4 tall so tall he gives me a hug happy birthday destroy my hips I open my eyes and I see this stretch limo how they stretch it so far I don't know how they stretch it he takes me to the stretch limo to the most expensive koser restaurant in Miami and they're waiting for me all my friends and family we the birthday buts my son he loves me so much and Mrs Mrs harv how does your son show you respect on your birthday ah you don't want to know I tell you anyway my son on my birthday day he texes me to Miami Beach International and Charters the Concord just for me it takes me on the Concord we arrive in London uh 2 hours and 58 minutes later and there he texes me to the rich Hotel the rich Hotel this is for kings and queens and princes takes me to the rich Hotel I arrive at the rich hotel and they're waiting for me and all my family friends from the whole world we had a py party get my such respect on my birthday and they both turn to Mrs Cohen who everyone knows has no relationship with her son they haven't been speaking for over a decade and Mrs Cen how does your son show you respect on your birthday birthday SM respect my son doesn't need no birthday to show me respect my son pays $300 an hour five times a week to his therapist and all he talks about is [Music] me I can spend my life my mind about who hurt me and why I'm not completely functional and what when the reality is we're always healthy the only unhealthiness is carrying this all look it may sound simple but you see you and I can't live in yesterday it's impossible you and I can only live in the thought in the moment which means we're always one thought away from letting go and moving forward and cherishing memories about someone who got it life is joyful full of joy focusing on what's good hey does that mean there wasn't pain no there was pain and he was real about when it was painful but he was still happy I heard from minty that even when he was in pain he was still happy is that right isn't that extraordinary even when you're feeling down but doesn't suddenly cancel the happiness because feeling bad about myself hey that can just be the reality for now but the moment you let go you're back to God is good life is good saru honestly meant my life is extremely meaningful because she was talking about what was going on over here not what was going on over there that's not what she's thinking about all day long that's reality reality happiness is a choice because it's a thought which we control nobody controls our thoughts when we fall into the Trap of thinking you're making me mad you're making me angry you're making me frustrated you've been doing this for years that's because I've given them the power to press this technology don't give it away you can't even if you try it's just I'm not being honest with myself when I say it's your fault cuz it isn't it's never it's always what I'm thinking right now the greatest Minds can have been even having had the biggest adversity in their lives were able to get beyond the adversity not because they had the support and finances it's because of what they're thinking that is who we always are and it's never too late to go to the next thought in the Merit of knowing that may all our efforts to choose more happiness deliberately in our lives be as a to FAL F thank you Ben David and Mindy uh and may we all be Z to much happiness in our lives and our families amen amen [Applause] [Music] [Applause]