He never met his father

Hello, Rabbi. Hello, Mr. Garland. >> Hi, Mosha. How you doing? >> Good. Thank you for having me on the call. >> My honor. Okay, what are we talking about tonight? >> So, I have two questions. I'll start with my background and go start the first one. Basically, my entire life, I've had no connection with my dad. He hasn't been present from before I was even born. I've never spoken to him. I don't know anything about him. And a few years ago, I found out that he has a son-in-law, my brother-in-law, who runs a yeshiva in Jerusalem and who does share him online. So, >> being curious, I happen to Huh? >> I'm I'm just translating for everyone. He gives classes online. >> Yeah. >> Okay. So, he's sort of like a prestigious uh scholar. >> Yeah. And now you're saying this is >> the husband of your sister. >> Yes. From my dad's side. >> Now this is a half sister. This is a half sister. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Different mother. >> Yeah. >> Do you know this sister? >> No. >> Okay. All right. Continue, please. I'm sorry for interrupting me. >> So I started watching a lot of his classes and I started getting really into it. I started resonating with it. And I often hear him saying in his classes, if you have any questions, you could email me, talk to me, whatever about. And I feel like this very weird position where on the one hand, >> I like this rabbi. He happens to be my brother-in-law, right? But on the other hand, he doesn't know anything about me. And if I try and make any connection with him, it might blow up in all of our faces and cause a lot of drama. >> I hear you. Okay. Um, do you mind if I ask you questions and if you don't want to answer, you can just tell me to back off? >> Yeah, sure. >> Okay. So, it'll kind of help me to understand this a little bit better. Obviously, you know, the situation where you've never met your father is an unusual situation. So with I mean you don't have to you can divulge [clears throat] as much or as little as as you're comfortable doing so. Um like what's the background? Why why do you why are you estranged from from your father? >> Um I don't want to like withhold. I don't know myself. Like I've asked >> you ask your mother >> and nobody's told me. Not even my other half siblings, not my grandparents, not my mother. Nobody's told me about it. >> Um, did you grow up with a stepfather? >> No, I grew up with my grandfather before he passed away. >> That was like your your father figure >> in a way. And then there's people from Shul that I had a good connection with. >> H So you didn't have your father and you didn't have a main father figure. you had some people in different times, in different capacities stepped in and um I'm so I'm I'm assuming you're like you're in your 20s now or >> Yeah. 21. >> Uhhuh. Okay. So, you know, before we even get into this whole the question that you're asking me because it's a it's a it's a real question. And again, if if I'm like going somewhere you don't want to go, you just tell me, you know, to back off. You know, a connection with a parent is one of those essential things. It's like it's like food and water and air and sleep. It's like it's not a luxury. It's like one of these people who have abusive parents. The reason it messes them up so bad is because a normal abusive person, you walk away from them. Eventually, you get rid of them. The parent is abusive. even a parent who's an awful parent, it's almost impossible to completely tear yourself away from that because the connection is so deep. So, when you don't have a relationship, when there's this void, like that's a that's a I'm not calling you broken. And I'm not, you know, I'm not saying that you're you're messed up for life, but I'm saying that's a big void to not have your father and not even a That's why I asked you, did you have like a stepfather? Cuz sometimes sometimes stepfathers are just, you know, your mother's husband, but sometimes stepfathers really step up and um take on that role. Um, but you know, to not have that at all, how you how you've taken it and what you've done with it, you know, I I don't know. But there's no question that that's like a lifedefining type of void in a person's life. So, as I'm saying this, do you you relate to this or you're like, h, no, I don't I don't necessarily agree. Happened to me and it's no big deal. Um, I definitely relate to it. I think over the years I've gotten better at it, but I relate to it. >> So, I'm I'm assuming, you know, at some point you want to get married. >> Yeah. >> And then be a father. >> Yeah. That would be a very nice dream, a goal to have. >> Yeah. So, like to me, the whole question of like your brother-in-law is almost like a red herring. It's like it's not to me it's not a life-changing we can talk about it. We'll get back to I'm not trying to you know uh squirm away from from that issue. But I'm saying to me I'm I'm hearing you talk. I'm hearing your backstory. And to me the most important thing like if I never speak to you ever again and I and I want to feel that we we accomplish something in our conversation for me I would like to feel that at least we touched upon the idea that the most important thing I who am I to know I don't know your mission in life but like just knowing what I know like it would appear to me it would be logical to me that a big part of your purpose in in in life is to be a cycle breaker. to be the father that you never had. And to me, like that's the most important thing is like not whether or not you have a brother-in-law, but it's like whether or not you're ready to be a father. Um it's almost to me like the brother-in-law thing is almost like a distraction. It's almost like it's almost like giving yourself just enough to like tide yourself over, but it's not it's not the real thing. I mean, maybe your hope is that you'll connect with him and that'll lead to something else and you meet your sister and then from there maybe you'll meet your father. But I don't know. I mean, would did you consciously think that through? Like did you have a in the back of your mind a hope like where this would lead? >> Yeah, I think you're hitting it on the nail. >> Okay. Tell me tell me where like Yeah, >> use it as a red herring. go through my brother-in-law and then maybe I'd have a relationship with my father, which is something I've definitely wanted for years. >> I'm going to say something really rude and that is I'm sure this guy gives great classes. I bet you that you're not entirely objective about how good his classes are. Did At what point did you know he was your brother-in-law before or after you started watching his classes? I found out when I was very young. >> So you knew this guy. You knew who he was before you started watching his stuff. >> Yeah, I knew him. And then I like other I knew and they're all like, "Oh yeah, that's a really good rabbi." >> Right. And you're like, "I can't tell them. This is really my secret brother-in-law." Um, I'm going to tell you something. I was talking to my friend Jeff upstairs, Reb going to call him. >> [clears throat and snorts] >> and [laughter] [gasps] and um whatchamacallit. So, we're saying I asked him a question. I had a reason why I asked you this question >> because like all people, I'm selfish and I really asked you the question that I'm interested about myself. But I said, "What is the thing that people come up to you and compliment you on and it bothers you because you don't like that thing?" I asked you that because I have things that when people come and I like I don't don't Okay, at any rate. So, one of the things you said, Daddy Daycare. >> What are you outing me with that? People made No, everything's okay. I'm laughing. >> It's not anything against the people who made Daddy Dayare. >> Fabulous film. I just but my point to you was the thing I said was >> really out of some Pixar movies and a few other great directors that I've worked with I would say 90% of what's on my IMDb I am not >> there's nothing specific about Daddy Daddy click here you just said give me an example and I gave you an example >> it's you don't feel good about your work maybe they felt good about it and then maybe it was a fantastic I I heard it was >> no I don't ruin it I say thank you to them I don't I I I at no point do I make them feel bad or why or anything. >> Okay, but you said something to me profound. >> What' I say? >> Well, [laughter] okay. I'm going to tell you now. You said when somebody comes over to you and they praise you for Daddy Daycare, which you feel was a fantastic film, but you don't particularly like your work in it or you're you don't feel >> No, I was great. The movie stunk. [laughter] >> Everybody else is so unprofessional. No, it was all it had moments of loveliness and I enjoyed making it. But no, I the whole thing >> they were all fantastic people to work with. >> No, they were. Yeah, but >> Eddie Murphy is an absolute mench. >> He was to me. [clears throat] >> He was so great. And >> he grew up around here on Long Island. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. >> Okay. At any rate, my my point is you say that people come up to you and they say they love this film and you're like >> in your mind you're like that's the thing you like. Okay. >> But you don't react that way. You re you react graciously always. And what you said to me was very interesting. You said, >> I don't know. I think to myself, how old were they when they saw it? Maybe they were 8 years old. >> Right. Exactly. >> Okay. Meaning to say >> it doesn't necessarily have to have been such a great film, but for this person, >> for an 8-year-old who saw it. Yeah. Cuz I look back on movies that I love when I was eight and they're all classics. No, I look back on ones when I was younger, and some of the things that I loved are really terrible. >> Doesn't hold up. No, but I love them still. >> The Oh, you even love them now. Comfort viewing. >> Comfort viewing. Yes. >> So, what I want to say to Mosha here is that sometimes we like things not because the actual quality of the material, but because of the emotional significance that it holds for us. >> Mhm. >> So, somebody who thinks that Daddy Daycare is like Citizen Kain, >> right, >> maybe because of what it means for them. >> What it means to them. And that's the something and that's also none of my business what it means to them. I just need to be gracious and talk to them and what picture, get to know them if I have time. Yeah. Yeah. That's um >> So my theory here is that he he knew who this guy was, >> right? >> He saw his classes in his mind, whether it was conscious or not, he knew that that could be a stepping stone to get closer to the father he never knew. >> All of a sudden, oh, this guy's brilliant, >> right? >> I got to watch all of his stuff. >> Yes. >> I don't know. That's just a theory. I just totally made that up. What do you think about that? >> I think for me it's very hit or miss because on the one hand I've had a weird relationship when it comes to like all his work like as far and on the one hand I'm like I don't want to learn anything by him like it's kind of a slap in my face in my mind. The other hand I'm like oh he knows his stuff I might as well. And it's weird for me because even my mother watches his sharim. >> Oh, really? >> And Yeah. >> And your mother obviously knows that he's married to >> Yeah. No, my mother is the one who told me. >> Oh, your mother is the one who told you. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Mosha, this is what I'm thinking here. Okay. >> Mhm. >> Really? [clears throat] Like you said, you you yourself told me that there's a possibility of drama if you reach out to this guy. Um, >> yeah. >> I don't think it's like such an important relationship that you must have that it's worth the drama. You know, we have to be we have to be considerate of others. So, you know, we don't even know what it could do to your to your halfsister. You know, we So, it's like she's an innocent party to all of this as well. So, um, so here's the deal. I think and and I could be completely wrong. You could tell me this is just completely off base. Your your desire, this quest to meet this guy or to reach out to this guy, to connect with this guy. I'm suggesting that maybe that's your desire to connect with your father and you're kind of like writing it, rewriting it in a safer way that's a few layers removed from the, you know, the danger zone. Um I don't know if it's So that's first of all is just to identify the fact that you you still do yearn for your father and that's a real thing. Yeah, I think you're on the ball. >> And and that may not be possible because, you know, he's a person of his own and he has his own free choice. And for whatever reasons, we don't know, he may not be capable. And you know what? The older that I get, the more I realize that a lot of a lot of behavior that I used to think of as like inexcusable, it's still not great behavior, but I can't really hate the person for it because usually they behave that way because of deep and grave emotional wounds of their own. And so, I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's good behavior. I'm just saying it's very hard for me to resent the person or hate the person. So I'm saying I don't know what his reason is. You know, it's unnatural to not have a connection with your own children. So there has to be something pretty big, some hurt in his life that's big enough to make a person do something as unnatural as not having a relationship with his children. But what I'm saying is this. You have this yearning. Forget about the the the guy giving classes online. You need to have this connection. Your father may not be the one who's ready to provide it for you. Um, I'm going to say something that's a little bit cheesy, but I I I believe it wholeheartedly and it's easy for me to say because I had a close relationship with my father. Thank God. I was very very fortunate. Um, but here's something that I'll say and you know, if it's again, if I'm off base, I apologize in advance. I have found with a lot of cycle breakers, meaning people who decide here's where it ends. you know, my parents didn't give me what they they should have. Um, but I'm going to be the one to give I'm going to I'm going to start a new cycle from me. um that I've seen a lot and um again I I if this resonates great if it doesn't you know that people in this position often end up becoming deeply spiritual specifically their relationship with God is much more than an abstraction. It really really does come to fill the emotional void of that that father wound or that mother wound. Um, and it's like, you see, I see for myself people who had an absent parent, either they're really awesome parents themselves or they, you know, or they're awful. The ones who are really awesome generally they have a very personal relationship with God that is really like >> like a like like a father. And what do I what do I mean by that? What do I mean like a father? Like hey dad give me 20 bucks so I can uh you know go out uh for dinner with my friends. What I mean by that is really what's a father? And I'm sitting with him is here. My son is here and he's he's going to judge whe whether or not this is a true statement. A father is the guy that you call when there's something that you're dealing with in life. And not necessarily do you expect that he could get you out of it because you know who who knows if that's his his wheelhouse. But you know, I mean, a real father, a real father, archetypical father that whatever it is you're going through, you can take it to him and he's he's big enough. I'm saying emotionally big enough to be able to hold that for you and hold it with you. And just seeing I mean, that's why I always tell fathers, the most important thing for you to give to your children is your calming presence. that a father's role in a home is a mother's role is to pro provide nurturing and warmth. Father's role is to provide strength. Strength doesn't mean discipline. Strength actually means self-discipline. That he needs to be in check. He needs to keep his his own emotions in check. Not to be hysterical or reactive. To be and and but but also conversely, the easy way out of not being hysterical is just to shut your emotions down and be one of these cold fathers who, you know, shows zero feeling. but to be someone who's alive and has feelings, but who can hold space, someone who doesn't freak out, someone who's able to be that stabilizing um presence. So, it's like that's what I would suggest to you is like this this yearning you're having right now is sort of like a a thinly [laughter] veiled uh quest for the father energy. And what I'm saying is explore your relationship with God and see if you can find it there. And specifically what to look for is that place where you go with the vicissitudes of life, life's challenges, life's ups and downs, and you feel that there's a non-judgmental stabilizing solid anchor. And to do that, I'm not trying to scare you, but do that and get pretty proficient at that before you get married, so you're ready to be a father coming right out of the gate.