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Happily ever after...Forever?? Dating and Marriage tips .. at Chazaq Torah talks
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there's always going to be work if
you're not ready to work you're not
ready for
[Music]
marriage today's episode is sponsored by
Boris M Tax planning and advisory
schedule your free tax strategy session
online and get started now call us at
212 430 6881 to learn
more and welcome to
program with special guest we have with
us all the way from welcome thank you
how are you I'm happy to be here and
we're going to be speaking happily ever
after happily ever after right before we
get to the topic if we get a little
background about the rabbi the great
work in background okay
um to help on my life big Merit put me
through a lot of personal challenges and
different things in my life so and I
always learned from every Challenge and
I Grew From it
and he's had all the challenges exactly
it's all about you got live right it's
the we speak about where was and it's
called life yeah the life we celebrate
the the life of yan that's the
says the
is what we learn from the tah it's notat
yes he was n they even mummified
him in Egypt right but his what the
connection that we have to him is still
alive the taret that we learn from his
lifestyle the Legacy and what we have
and that's that's like so we always
Celebrate life even after someone passes
away everybody has challenges 100% yeah
so uh for the last 17 or 18 years I am
sitting all day morning tonight with
people couples uh working show bias
dating coaching
remarriage uh and parenting all day to
help people and you're so skinny Rabbi
how do
you that's a gift a gift from so that's
amazing that's very very important and
uh that's what we're going to be
speaking about happy ever after because
this is what you do with with with
coaching that you you gave me also this
to speak worldwide I've been speaking in
many countries different many shabbaton
uh and weekends and so that's that's
what I do hasem put me to that place and
I I if I may say myself I see a lot of
progress you know people coming to me
with very difficult marriages and uh
just recently had someone was about to
get divorced and was able to put them
together I found the the glue in the
marriage there's always a glue there's
always something that that could hold
the marriage and then the rest is work
and we know that every marriage is work
every relationship requires work and
work meaning work on ourselves and work
on our you know restraints and to know
when to say something not to say what to
expect to someone to work on Mid work in
our traits and and to uh uh it comes to
mind a quick Story the
uh he's one of the that lived about 180
years ago and he was also Carpenter he
was working the olden days the Rabb had
to they worked half a day and then he
was learning whatever he probably
learning all night so he was putting
together furniture and the old days he
didn't have a Home Depot so he couldn't
walk into a place and pick out I want a
4x4 2x4 Woods you need it were logs okay
so it was he was watching someone came
in and he said I I'm building a very
huge room I need to put in two locks
together to hold the roof the problem is
in the olden days a log had stumps right
wherever there was a twig there's a
stump how do you put together two logs
if one of them has stumps it's very hard
to flatten stumps if you do it by hand
it's very difficult now we have machines
you could have a
2x4 and they we say oh how are we going
to do it the two logs are going to be
apart how do you so he said whenever
there's a log in this wood and the other
would you you you dig in carve in so you
can bring it together instead of working
on the lock on the stump on something
that's stubborn on the other one he took
it right away our Reas took everything
as a as a as to learn from to work on
ourselves and he said that this is the
only way of AAS the only way of
relationship ultimately husband and wife
parents and children us and partners and
peers everybody is sometimes a person
has a lum they have something they have
some kind of stubbornness they were born
with a nature that's very difficult ult
it's not their fault they were bornn
that way so if they didn't work on it
they'll say until you work out your
stuff I'm going to be good with you no
I'll make space of myself to have you in
my life and that's the only way a
relationship could happen and that's the
the premise for for marriage 100% And
the rabbi said that you speak all over
the world and we have the to have the
rabbi speak for in dear friend n Epstein
the Talisman shout out to him for also
arranging this uh Torah talk so so we're
going to jump into it for those in right
uh andone always ask the question what
should one be looking for those that are
looking in they're looking for their
marriage uh partner okay that's a very
good question I would love to answer it
and of course I have to
say a tiny uh a tiny um introduction
like a tiny detail before we get into
that I think that people need to realize
that marriage
is you cannot custom design a spouse it
doesn't work the richest king the
biggest narcissist kings in the past
even if they had he was able to get all
the all all the women in the world he
still had to pick one and after picking
one there's still a lot of work to do
you cannot custom design a spouse Hashem
did not made the world that way because
as you said before we need to work on
our middles we need to grow and become
better beings but through marriage and
not to make someone to to to to worship
me and to give me everything and then
nothing there has to be some work there
has to be some give and take so if
there's no custom we need to be when we
look into we need to know what am I
ready to Look
Away what what am I ready to deal with
and what am I not ready to deal with so
we're going to change words we're going
to use it values so the most important
things obviously physical attraction and
you know cosmetic you know that that has
to be date number one you have to make
sure you're you know you like the
feeling around the presence of the other
person that's great that's number
one then excuse me then we have to work
on figuring out what is in that person
that both of us share the same value
something that's very valuable to you
and your spouse has a opposite value
that's where most conflicts happen you
see in in the world where people got you
know just just finding their own their
own they usually when they meet up they
try to find everything that we the same
oh we have a c oh we both like chocolate
you know chocolate vanilla ah he's
chocolate I'm vanilla you know we both
like the same Sports we both like it's
exciting it's good it's a lot of fun to
have a spouse that has the same oh you
like sushi I like sushi oh you don't you
very nice but when you get married those
things don't matter too much what
matters most is the values so we need to
sit down and write down on a note what
is my values of course yish K is a value
to us what parts of yish K is a value
how far and you know if to you a value
is a very large family okay write it
down if you a value um uh you know you
want you want your house to be a house
of guests you want every shower that's
one of the most important thing you need
to have when you get married you want a
spouse that after a year after the
wedding you going open the door and
always have guests that's something that
to you it's like a must have write it
down it's I'm not talking about luxuries
I'm not talk about that that's that's
that's Petty things those are things
that we're going to have to work on
anyway you know sitting with couples
just going to retract a second sitting
with
couples I've never met two people
getting married
and and and not having to work on she's
always late he's always on time she
splur his hair and he splur his day and
he says no here you have to save no so
when it comes to money comes to children
comes to we all have there's always you
know I just said a couple who came to us
and they they're working hard they five
six kids and you know he's making parosa
you know just enough time live he
finally saved up money to go on vacation
he's taking his wife to Vacation he went
to Z for two weeks a little under two
weeks they came back this they told me
was a disaster disaster disaster I said
what happened you guys finally went you
took her on vacation you both went he
was able to from his job and her job and
babysitters and I said what didn't work
out he said what do you mean she started
saying he was he want to run around the
whole land he wanted to see
AR from the north to the South and I
wanted to just sit
on and just relax I'm working a whole
year I'm so he want to run around he
said what do mean because we spent so
much money for this vacation can't just
sit
in whole day let's see the place we
weren here for years let's go to let's
go
there two other definitions of how
vacation is supposed to be obviously
what's what's the what's the the proper
way to go on vacation you figure out
what your spouse needs and what you need
you say you know what we're here for
seven Eight Days a few days will run
around a few days compromise compromise
work it out so these kind of things
every marriage needs to work on this is
something you cannot and will not detect
throughout a date you could date someone
for a very very long time there's always
going to be work if you're not ready to
work you're not ready for marriage so
work is I always tell people marriage is
a workshop man the man works in the
wife's shop s a
joke good I call it a mid workout
machine you know it nobody's ready and
all of us need to work in our childhood
all of us healing stuff from our past
there's a lot of work and and and and we
should see it as a as an exciting thing
not not as like all like a pressure oh
no like I'm excited I'm I'm excited to
find out my shortcomings I didn't know
my shortcom till I got married you know
as I felt I'm the best person in the
world and then I realized oh you know so
we all realize marriage is a mirror said
you know we me it's a mirror so you get
to see back so when you dates someone
give up all those Petty silly you know
like this and that and I don't know
what's important is that both of you
share the same values more or less and
if the values are there that's the glue
in the marriage and everything else can
be worked on 100% uh I've always learned
also very important to
mention good character traits to try to
uh you know get that information uh what
what what would you say rabie is um the
only that you deal with marriage
counseling as well and and and coaching
uh the biggest challenge in in a
marriage biggest challenge in a
marriage um in your opinion what what
would you suggest with what you
see I
think you asking where where marriages
go wrong sometimes and how we could fix
it I think that most most
marriages suffer from a very human
condition that all of us suffer and
struggle with it's
called we we
forget what we have we don't realize
what we have we are unappreciative we
take things for
granted taking things for granted is the
first ingredient for losing a
relationship with a partner child any
and and we talk specifically in marriage
where it m matters
most you see I I was one of the founders
of a huge cish Organization for divorced
men it's called Brothers on the way we
opened it I think like n years ago it's
a huge organization unfortunately with
hundreds and hundreds of people that are
currently
divorced my wife is very involved sister
to sister shout out to them also I speak
many
times
needs I always sit with table
speak he was one they introduced us to
this
sisters I meet him there I meet him
there and I meet him other shabat as
well so and so we're very involved we
know what's going on sometimes married
couples you know should should should
find out what's going on in the divorc
world how and try to help people yeah
and and no and to realize what they have
that also but to realize what they to
realize that that that's it meaning to
say it's not like oh you're divorced or
you not of course everybody wants to be
happy married not just to marriage like
like like just 50 60 years ago I don't
know postwar I don't know what different
cultures different areas but from where
I grew up a marriage was if two people
were nice to each other they were kind
and they were not fighting that was a
good marriage nowadays we want to have a
real loving marriage we want have good
deep meaningful relationships and we
deserve it and we need to work on that
and that's what we're trying to get you
could have everything you could have the
best spouse when you get married when he
met that girl the first time with the of
the guy the boy and and you got married
everything he does for you you open up
your drawer and you take out your socks
the first time you think like wow she
had a mind when she went to shopping to
get detergent she's standing on a taking
care of the laundry washing the laundry
folding it and later when children come
along and she's
still don't take it for granted you're
taking out a clean pair of laundry from
your draw you have a husband that goes
out to work he he he faces I know yeah
he has to work he he does something
appreciation I'm not even talking about
appreciating and telling the other that
of course even in yourself many times I
work on myself and I have reminders I'm
lucky because I work with marriage all
day with couples and learn from reminds
it reminds me I have reminder and and I
learn from mistakes but it reminds me
I'm lucky I open my drawer even my
wife's still sleeping and I like she did
she cooked she made whatever she does I
could focus on all the things she didn't
do and I could focus on if I if I go
down the the the wrong route I could
start seeing what other people are
that's if we have something don't take
it for don't take it for granted that's
the of a marriage so what brings love a
re a deep when you have a deep
meaningful relationship you develop a
feeling and that feeling is called love
and that feeling is loving someone and
being loved by someone aav is have is
giving right is giving and and and it's
both ways so when I feel that someone
cares for me and someone appreciates me
I have a feeling of love and when I care
for someone and I appreciate them I have
a feeling of love for them so love is a
come and go so whenever you want more
love in your marriage be before you
start thinking what could my spouse do
more for me start thinking what are they
already doing for me and really really
be
grateful being grateful is something
that we have aara we have evil in
inclination does not let us be
uh appreciative why because when if I
appreciate you I appreciate what you do
for me on a daily basis I owe you ah we
don't want to live like that different
time like it's it gratitude to being
grateful to saying thank you meaning I
owe you and really yes I do owe I owe my
wife and my wife you know it's it's
something that we need to work on the
mid of understanding that what is the
blockage of really really really being
grateful and and and and and thanking
and and and just owing our our spouse
that's
AA so if you want to love our spouse
more that's what we need to work on I
want to say one more thing
sure this is an AEM as well everything
is related Hashem gave us relationships
on this world he could have created the
world the way he want it in in many
other ways that we should as a human the
way I relate to others give and take I
could relate to Hashem it's all a musle
it's all it's all an example otherwise
how do I how do I connect to Hashem the
way I connect to you that's all I have
you know
so how do we love Hashem how do we love
Hashem question is first of all we don't
always understand why he does things
there's a lot of mean and painful
moments in this world and let's say
everything would be awesome but still
how do you love someone that you don't
know you don't see them you don't you
have no connection how how do you
connect and how do you love a have to
it's one of the mits that we need to
love
with the whole heart I have a a story
that actually I someone gave me the and
this is going to explain everything in a
second I have a friend of mine he needed
he unfortunately both his kidneys
went and he was on is for a very very
long time unfortunately people should
not know what it is it's very it's very
painful a few times a week connected to
machine filtering the blood it's it dis
ass
it's finally he had a very rare blood
type finally he found someone to donate
another yid to give him a kidney he got
his kidney the story is the problem is
that the other guy gave it anonymously
he did not want this recipient to know
he or she did not want the recipient to
know he want to do really for hashem's
sake he want zero recognition Hashem I
gave a kidney to Aid I don't want any
recognition so this person is telling me
I'm living already two years with a
kidney I got back my life I'm a husband
I'm a father I'm I'm working again I'm
this person gave I love that person even
if I I never seen that person I love
that person
every day I D for that person I get Saka
for that person I would give away my
house I would sell my shoes I would do
everything the world to that person I
just love that person I wish it would
reveal itself to
me our Kidney donor is AEM everything we
have everything we have our eyes our
nose taste
hearing how could you not love someone
just because you need to see them he is
so appreciative of his
kidney if we are really
really appreciative to the that he gave
me the ability to drive him from mon to
at to meet his first like to speak atak
and and
whatever able to see and listen and talk
I Remember by Co I I lost my my sense of
smell like many people and The Taste
never came back
perfect but you know it didn't really
it's not perfect I know hopefully but
I'm so appreciative I smell the
Su okay you know some of my smells are
still warped I know any case wow I'm
able to come and go I just got an email
yesterday from a girl in B Park
Brooklyn and she sent me a whole email
that's she's thanking me for my shum
that I give out there's a lot of
different lectures on online and
different things she Sayes she wrote to
me a whole email how she's
so physically disabled
she could really move her fingers the
only thing she has in this world is her
tablet so she's able to see she has
specialty glass I don't I don't know if
I should read the email but just and and
how much it gives her and I'm like wow I
you know all of us are walking around
the streets
and so if you start living like it's not
just a nice thing to do That's essential
it's a must it's it's the only
ingredient the only way to be happy this
world is by being grateful for the small
things which are so huge they're not so
small when do you appre something
something when you unfortunately lose it
when you a person doesn't have that uh
that's the moment start to realize
that's amazing so let's bring it back to
marriage so how do I love
Hashem yeah he does things that I don't
understand fine what what does it take
away so my spouse has certain things
that irk me you know when you get
married to someone of course you do your
do diligence when you're dating and once
you get
married you you realize a few things you
realize certain things you'll never
change in your spouse it's just okay
never going to change I have things that
I never told my spouse ever because I
know it's not she can never change tiny
things she's awesome tiny things every
person world needs to why why should I
tell the person if they can never change
then there are things that you could
tweak you could change a little bit so
you have to pick and choose how to do it
and how to is us to realize things that
are important you know and then there
are things that you could right away say
you know this is important to me oh I
didn't know okay you want me to make
your sandwich every die it's it's easy
but certain things will never change and
you know what and we all live like that
happy marriages are not the ones that
don't have to work on it happy marriages
are not the ones that that that
everything is perfect happy marriages
are based on people that are able to be
emous appreciate and be thankful and
grateful for all all the things they get
out of this SP let alone just living
alone I just the car right coming in
here I had someone left me message a
divorced guy he wants to come for shabas
to my house a few guys have come for
shabas they're so lonely every
shabas you been on vacation without your
spouse a few days not recommended but if
it happens you miss them it's not just
having a
spouse had aunt that her husband was my
uncle was very sick for many years he
was in a wheelchair
oxygen and there was a 70 yearold couple
and when he passed away she was crying
like a little
child
like and I remember I I said what why
did
you you know of course it's you know you
lived this for 50 years just him being
here just having my
spouse you know just you married your
wife said yes your husband said yes just
that how about that of course we're not
talking about people that are living
with with spouses that are unhealthy and
and and they don't want to help
themselves or personality disorders and
people that struggle we're not talking
about that you need to go to
professional you know some people are
living with abusers no no no don't be
appreciated first figure out if you want
to live with that abuser because some
people are are just very unhealthy
unfortunately the childhood whatever it
is that made it you know work it out
with the professional we talk about two
healthy people that have healthy
issues that's what we're talking about
so very important the importance of
being appreciative and grateful uh how
could one take that and you know they'll
be appreci but to improve the marriage
it shouldn't just be uh okay you know
she she's alive he's alive and that's it
right right I'll tell you number one
everybody should go on a date highly
recommended go on a date once a week
once a week is the I I never I'm telling
you if if we miss me and my wife Mar
quite a few years we'll we'll make up
for for it a date let me line out what a
date is a date is not a it's not a time
to discuss heavy conversations a date is
not to go out and all the problems how
do we pay the mortgage what do this and
this child made this issue and that
issue I'm upset at you for this that's
not the time that make all the times a
date is just the American word is Chill
just chill relax relax chill relax chill
go out it doesn't have to cost money
it's nice to go out to eat every and
then just on a walk go on a drive walk
in the mall go in a park alone time the
cell phone closed not a vibrate
closed just you and me time there's so
much going on our life we're deal with
so much stress and stuff from daily and
marriage has to be rekindled so dating
is number one once a week once a week
but second thing is what I would say to
to rekindle a marriage I have a game
that I give for
couples uh I tell them take a paper and
write
down tell me I do some my couples are
like you
know
when tension than than than I I do it
with them in my office but it's just a
nice idea you so I I tell the husband
write down a list of the 10 green
buttons things that you could say or do
for your spouse for your wife that's
going to make her very very happy it's
make green buttons green button with Eco
press or red button so the red button
tell me 10 things I I then B down to
five write down five things that what
you say or you do really irks her dries
up a wall she does not like when you say
or do it and what are the three the five
green
buttons and then write down your green
buttons and your red buttons okay right
so hers and his his and I tell her to do
the same you write down his green and
red and then I exchange the
paper I'm telling you the scene that I
see in my office I do this very
often it's it's just wow people are
living together for 15 years he never
knew by him doing this small thing irks
are like M takes her out of a out of or
or the other way this all you need and
that's what makes you
happy people don't know we're living
with a
spouse for so many years and we still
don't know it
so if one wants to do this game we'll
call it they the the husband takes a
piece of paper five green five red his
five green his five red and her what he
thinks her hers is got it and you know
what happens he figures out that he
doesn't know yet his own five green I
don't want to give it away I want people
to actually try it at home try it at
home okay okay usually people say don't
try this at home we're saying try this
at home try this at home what happens
and you can redo it once a year because
things change things this is at a date
or not on a date you could do this at a
date for fun you could do it other
night and in order to to keep a marriage
we have to deal with our issues together
communication communication
communication but obviously how do we
communicate I think one of the things
that I see in marriages where things
erupt is when conversations happen as a
by Way
D those are the worst that's where
everything goes wrong you know I I'll
talk to this electrician he's he's
working on a light he's standing on a
ladder and his wife calls him in about
the heaviest question in the world like
what do we do about that or yesterday
ignored me I wasn't sure and he answers
whatever he called like holding the
phone and whatever he's going to say is
going to be wrong he's going to be held
accountable he said this he said that he
didn't
say a conversation has to be by
appointment a heavy conversation so a
light convers mean a husband and wife
need to make it important for each other
yeah I want to explain so this is a
light conversation heavy conversation a
light conversation is something
technical pick up the milk uh take out
the the garbage for supper what's for
supper regular stuff you could even text
I don't recommend text I could recommend
voice talking you can't you want to send
your your SP a list on the grocery you
text okay fine but text only technical
stuff pick up the kids whatever what the
babysit come home anything more than
that for sure has to be on the phone and
things like that could just be all the
time it's okay whenever you have a heavy
conversation
a heavy conversation meaning something
has do with with with that bother you
about your spouse or something that
heavy for both of us how we deal yeah
Financial issues whatever it is kid got
school by appointment only and say my
dear wife my dear husband I want to talk
to you and say what you want to talk
about I want to talk to you about ABC
when is a good
time he'll say yeah great okay fine but
I I I'm coming on from work soon I I no
problem could be tomorrow night when can
we have and the time you sit down and
you have that
conversation W it avoids so many
issues it's an official and you tell
them what you want to talk about so they
just have time to prepare to think and
and if you don't finalize that that
meeting you okay we'll talk about it
tomorrow it's not it's never an
emergency we think it's an emergency
it's never if it is the
911 if it's if it's not a light
conversation you could always have you
know you could there's many more
categories I teach five levels self
communication different things and we
talking you know personal stuff and non
personal let's read more details but the
idea the general concept
is so many times you get hurt and turned
off so to speak when because it happened
to SP the moment even you scream at the
child or he said something tough and I
say why you doing that just be nice to
him yesterday had a hard day and
tomorrow you'll scream and it's not it's
that important you don't have to tell
his spouse right now you don't have to
tell your spouse right now you you know
later you'll discuss you know yes
yesterday he said this to the child was
that the right thing was it not let's
discuss it it's never an emergency it's
that that that feeling of urgency that's
where things go go wrong so by
appointment by an official time I think
that's amazing very very good advice so
advice to improve marriages the Rabbi
says once a week go out and it shouldn't
be heavy topics it should be lighter
topics and when things are a little bit
heavier to set an appointment with one
another love that love the device love
this Torah talk everything that you're
saying Rabbi we have a we have a custom
and our kak Torah talk a final message
final message for our broad
audience ah the final message is to know
um I know whatever going to put to my
head I
think I've been doing that lately I've
been going to places to speak yeah I'm
just off the cuff many people are
against that
things that come out of the heart
whatever
um I think when a child has a very
healthy relationship with a parent and
the child grows up knowing my
parents really love me they feel safe
secure seen and soothed they
feel and then when the parents does
something to them that they don't like
then I'm going to say my parent doesn't
love me they're going to say I don't
understand but my parents you know I
have like a cook example my my son was
10 years old he needed one more vaccine
one of these not not one of the shots
and he's a he fright so for two weeks he
was every night going to sleep on time
and nice to Sibling that can't tell it's
not going to help he still have to go
I'll give you extra credit somewhere
else but you have to get that chat
Hashem sometimes gives us chats I don't
know we don't we don't know
why
and if we have that healthy relationship
we understand like like the child is the
parents to us our parent B there are
moments when even things we don't like
we don't understand or we could still we
can still connect in love and what
happens in the spouse in a marriage is
when a spouse does something wrong she
did something wrong she she said
something in front of your family she
said something that you would never want
to say or or you said in front her
family so naturally a lot of people most
people get turned off like they're cold
now in the marriage they they can't look
them in the face they're like sometimes
they keep a garage for two days or three
days depends how unhealthy they are so
how how do we do that I think
that we are able to have dual feelings
at the same
time and we're able to love someone and
be upset at them at the same time I
can't love and hate someone I could I
could love someone and be upset so I'm
very so right away when your spouse does
something you
say I'm upset I did that and I need to
figure out why they did it I'm going to
confront them I'll decide how maybe
we'll make a a an appointment to talk
about it but I still love them and think
that automatically 50% of your pain goes
off you don't get turned off and the
same thing with we need to remember that
everything is is related relationships
that's we're humans we're
connectors and just just hold on a
little bit longer MH is coming very soon
and hem is putting us through and kazal
told us already 2,000 years ago it's
going to be tough times we're actually
living it there's G be one Sor one issue
over the other we're gonna forget I
forgot that every Torah is going to make
you forget we forgot what happened the
last five years we can't even you start
writing it down you'll get
depressed so just hang on hang on trust
your and whatever he puts us through
it's for our good for ultimate we're
getting there we're getting there we're
almost there let's be patient patient to
the to ourselves and to others and our
spouses shut up we should all we should
all amen
beautiful words inspiring words happily
ever after beautiful amazing Torah talk
we just had want to thank the rabbi for
coming and giving us the the inspiration
want to thank everyone for joining us
8:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time Tuesday
nights kazak tour talks with special
guest this is episode number
182 amazing feedback and we appreciate
the feedback please continue sending us
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suggest session future guests are always
welcome as well and I want to thank all
the various different platforms that are
hosting kazak Torah talks with a special
thanks to our friends at T any time
special shout out to our friends at
Daily giving a dollar a day goes very
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with kazak media we are up and coming a
massive kazak campaign we want to get
everyone to get involved uh the
revolution is happening bar over
1,800 kids from public schools to Yesa
have already been transferred thousands
of more have been coming to have school
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lot more but we can't do without your
supportting your involvement so get
involved with the
revolution we to see said it very very
soon the complete
Redemption our days
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